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Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More
In 2011, Marie Claire magazine published a profile of Janet Mock in which she stepped forward for the first time as a trans woman. Those 2300 words were life-altering for the People.com editor, turning her into an influential and outspoken public figure and a desperately needed voice for an often voiceless community. In these pages, she offers a bold and inspiring perspective on being young, multicultural, economically challenged, and transgender in America.
Welcomed into the world as her parents� firstborn son, Mock decided early on that she would be her own person—no matter what. She struggled as the smart, determined child in a deeply loving yet ill-equipped family that lacked the money, education, and resources necessary to help her thrive. Mock navigated her way through her teen years without parental guidance, but luckily, with the support of a few close friends and mentors, she emerged much stronger, ready to take on—and maybe even change—the world.
This powerful memoir follows Mock’s quest for identity, from an early, unwavering conviction about her gender to a turbulent adolescence in Honolulu that saw her transitioning during the tender years of high school, self-medicating with hormones at fifteen, and flying across the world alone for sex reassignment surgery at just eighteen. With unflinching honesty, Mock uses her own experience to impart vital insight about the unique challenges and vulnerabilities of trans youth and brave girls like herself.
Despite the hurdles, Mock received a scholarship to college and moved to New York City, where she earned a master’s degree, enjoyed the success of an enviable career, and told no one about her past. She remained deeply guarded until she fell for a man who called her the woman of his dreams. Love fortified her with the strength to finally tell her story, enabling her to embody the undeniable power of testimony and become a fierce advocate for a marginalized and misunderstood community. A profound statement of affirmation from a courageous woman, Redefining Realness provides a whole new outlook on what it means to be a woman today, and shows as never before how to be authentic, unapologetic, and wholly yourself.
Welcomed into the world as her parents� firstborn son, Mock decided early on that she would be her own person—no matter what. She struggled as the smart, determined child in a deeply loving yet ill-equipped family that lacked the money, education, and resources necessary to help her thrive. Mock navigated her way through her teen years without parental guidance, but luckily, with the support of a few close friends and mentors, she emerged much stronger, ready to take on—and maybe even change—the world.
This powerful memoir follows Mock’s quest for identity, from an early, unwavering conviction about her gender to a turbulent adolescence in Honolulu that saw her transitioning during the tender years of high school, self-medicating with hormones at fifteen, and flying across the world alone for sex reassignment surgery at just eighteen. With unflinching honesty, Mock uses her own experience to impart vital insight about the unique challenges and vulnerabilities of trans youth and brave girls like herself.
Despite the hurdles, Mock received a scholarship to college and moved to New York City, where she earned a master’s degree, enjoyed the success of an enviable career, and told no one about her past. She remained deeply guarded until she fell for a man who called her the woman of his dreams. Love fortified her with the strength to finally tell her story, enabling her to embody the undeniable power of testimony and become a fierce advocate for a marginalized and misunderstood community. A profound statement of affirmation from a courageous woman, Redefining Realness provides a whole new outlook on what it means to be a woman today, and shows as never before how to be authentic, unapologetic, and wholly yourself.
263 pages, Hardcover
First published February 4, 2014
593 people are currently reading
24.5k people want to read
About the author
Janet Mock
7books719followersJanet Mock is a writer, TV host and advocate whose work has appeared in Marie Claire, The New Yorker, and Lenny. With a Masters in journalism from New York University, the Honolulu native worked as an editor at People.com, produced HBO’s The Trans List, hosted a series of specials for MSNBC, and appeared on OWN’s Super Soul Sunday. Oprah Winfrey has called her a “fearless new voice� and “trailblazing leader,� who “changed my way of thinking.� In addition, she’s been honored by the Ms. Foundation for Women, Planned Parenthood, the Sylvia Rivera Law Project and Time magazine which named her one of “the most influential people on the Internet.� She is the author of the New York Times bestseller "Redefining Realness" and "Surpassing Certainty."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,457 reviews
February 20, 2014
I'm not the biggest fan of memoirs per se, and many trans memoirs are pretty dry, redundant, and focused on white trans men. I even *am* a white trans man but most of them exhausted me. I transitioned about 14 years ago, have worked around the queer community for nearly 20 years, and have recently felt a bit jaded and exhausted by the work. But in the past year, Janet Mock has really exploded into the cultural landscape and I couldn't be more grateful for the passion, kindness, and strength she's brought to the conversation. I've been following her on twitter and was excited for the release of her memoir - I knew she was a talented writer so it wouldn't be hard to read, but I wasn't expecting to be so moved, to have my heart expanded, to laugh at the recognition of myself and friends and family on the page, and to even have old fears and hurts dug up and transformed within myself. This is a book I wouldn't hesitate to give to cis-folks to help understand the journeys of trans people, but I also would encourage trans folks to do themselves a favor and spend a few hours with Janet Mock's book, it could help reinvigorate your heart and transform your own story.
October 3, 2020
Appreciated this honest and courageous memoir about a Black and Indigenous woman’s transition into womanhood. Janet Mock writes with candor about growing up in a dysfunctional yet loving family, her pain and then acceptance about her gender identity, and the difficult yet powerful steps she took to claim her true identity. I liked that Mock writes about the hard, complicated emotions present within her experience, such as the ways her family both let her down and tried to care for her, as well as her nuanced feelings related to engaging in sex work. She acknowledges her privileges like attainment an advanced degree. I hope we get more narratives like these so that Mock does not feel the weight or burden of being one of the only well-known “happy� trans women.
I have a couple critiques of this memoir which Jessie articulate well in her review. I found Mock’s focus on her romantic relationship a bit stifling, especially in contrast to the depths of insight and emotion she acquired through other parts of her life journey. While I get that a lot of women and more feminine people are socialized to value a man’s romantic love, I wish that she had named that more on a meta level than describing more of the surface of her relationship with Aaron. I also wish she had named more of the systemic factors that might affect someone’s decision to accept money from someone else to complete their transition (e.g., white supremacy, capitalism, etc.) While I totally respect and honor her perspective on how she worked and paid for her own gender-affirming surgery, my sense is that another person who may accept money from someone else to pay for a gender-affirming surgery isn’t any less valid in their gender identity.
Overall, recommended reading for those interested in the perspective of a Black and indigenous trans woman who reflects on some pretty intense life events with honesty and a quiet yet firm belief in herself.
I have a couple critiques of this memoir which Jessie articulate well in her review. I found Mock’s focus on her romantic relationship a bit stifling, especially in contrast to the depths of insight and emotion she acquired through other parts of her life journey. While I get that a lot of women and more feminine people are socialized to value a man’s romantic love, I wish that she had named that more on a meta level than describing more of the surface of her relationship with Aaron. I also wish she had named more of the systemic factors that might affect someone’s decision to accept money from someone else to complete their transition (e.g., white supremacy, capitalism, etc.) While I totally respect and honor her perspective on how she worked and paid for her own gender-affirming surgery, my sense is that another person who may accept money from someone else to pay for a gender-affirming surgery isn’t any less valid in their gender identity.
Overall, recommended reading for those interested in the perspective of a Black and indigenous trans woman who reflects on some pretty intense life events with honesty and a quiet yet firm belief in herself.
April 19, 2018
I've been interested in by for quite some time, so much so that I bought the book in paperback (a rare thing for me). I was hoping that the book would blow me away, and it truly did.
I consider myself well-educated on trans issues, though obviously I'm approaching them from an outside perspective. I've read at nearly three dozen books with transgender main characters, fiction (romance, mostly) and non-fiction, and countless articles in an effort to learn and grow in my understanding of sexual expression and sexuality. However, this book really showed me some biases I didn't even know that I had and helped me see things from a really fresh, powerful perspective.
Parts of the story were very hard for me to read, mainly dealing with Janet's childhood sexual abuse and neglectful parents (though perhaps neglectful isn't the right word, though their behavior horrified me), but it also gave me a necessary understanding of where Janet came from.
Janet really blew me away. She is a powerful woman, and she made some points that resonated deeply with me, mostly about not viewing "passing" trans people as somehow more successful or closer to a "goal" (which I didn't even realize was a bias of mine before reading). She also really changed my view of sex-workers forever, especially those in the trans community. I was really blown away by the fact that Janet was a star student and merit scholarship winner, yet still had to do things she felt ashamed of to survive, something that challenged my viewpoints a great deal.
Though this review seems to focus on my take from the story and my personal growth as a reader and human being, I think that this book is essential reading for anyone who wants to know more about a LGBTQIA icon and inspirational human being.
I consider myself well-educated on trans issues, though obviously I'm approaching them from an outside perspective. I've read at nearly three dozen books with transgender main characters, fiction (romance, mostly) and non-fiction, and countless articles in an effort to learn and grow in my understanding of sexual expression and sexuality. However, this book really showed me some biases I didn't even know that I had and helped me see things from a really fresh, powerful perspective.
Parts of the story were very hard for me to read, mainly dealing with Janet's childhood sexual abuse and neglectful parents (though perhaps neglectful isn't the right word, though their behavior horrified me), but it also gave me a necessary understanding of where Janet came from.
Janet really blew me away. She is a powerful woman, and she made some points that resonated deeply with me, mostly about not viewing "passing" trans people as somehow more successful or closer to a "goal" (which I didn't even realize was a bias of mine before reading). She also really changed my view of sex-workers forever, especially those in the trans community. I was really blown away by the fact that Janet was a star student and merit scholarship winner, yet still had to do things she felt ashamed of to survive, something that challenged my viewpoints a great deal.
Though this review seems to focus on my take from the story and my personal growth as a reader and human being, I think that this book is essential reading for anyone who wants to know more about a LGBTQIA icon and inspirational human being.
February 9, 2017
Note: It has been three years since I read and reviewed this book. Re-reading my review and the comments now, I think there are a couple points where I was bit too relentlessly critical, even a bit petty. For the most part I still hold my disagreements and opposition. But for context, I would like to add that at time of reading, I was homeless. And the best thing people could offer me were useless transgender memoirs, rather than something practical to me like money and safe housing. Part of my criticism is influenced by this, and yet my viewpoint is no less valid as a criticism of misdirected narratives and conventional ways of thinking about transgender people, and the typical disregard for our population as one in constant, increasing crisis. I have a problem with how assimilation afflicts and fractures my community when those who could be radical representatives and are in a position to lift up their community members, instead accumulate capital for themselves and abandon the rest of us.
Furthermore, the negative reactions I have received for this review simply delve into character attacks, transphobia, and transmisogyny against me. I'm sure there's a way to disagree with transgender people on certain issues without perpetuating the same attitudes and dynamics that are killing my people.
-
I first heard of Janet Mock many years ago from her article. I read it around the same time CeCe Mcdonald was kidnapped by police, so it was an awakening time for the politics of my then-vague transness. Now, though, when reading this for my studies in college, I realize my fears: that Janet Mock wrote a bourgeois memoir.
From the very first sentences advertising about buying dresses she didn't need and reading things on her Iphone, I knew I was delving into a rich-people's book. Now, I hoped she had presented this beginning to suggest she grew out of it, yet she hardly develops to oppose the materialization of her world. Soon, all the way to the end, I found she is shallow, weak, materialistic, body-shaming and body-policing, and hardly the trans-radical this community needs. She wants to get married and be subservient to men, while others like her are fighting for their very lives. At one point she says "I wish he'd just lean over and kiss me already" - how about you tell him you want to kiss, to practice common consent, and if affirmed then do so yourself!
There are repeated slurs throughout this book, which she is self-entitled to exploit as a way to show everyone how offensive these slurs are. There's loads of repetition, wherein she talks about the slurs used against her (mostly words which don't apply to her and therefore she has no right to use), about how her perception of women is that they are subservient (to which she suggests has changed, and yet is proven false with how she acts around men), and every once in a while trophy-mentions something about intersectionality and racism.
At one point, she even suggests that only transwomen fought in battles like in compton and nyc. This is extremely offensive, and copies the same behaviour of rich gay white cis-men who say only THEY fought there. The point is WE ALL FOUGHT. Why? Because no matter how many reforms we fight for or how many of you get married, we're all targeted for being different and will always be attacked so long as we're different, and we'll especially be attacked by those in power (police).
Another thing I find particularly insulting as a transperson is her perpetuation of and support for the idea that "it's a transition for us/others/the family too!" This is a pathetic loathsome thing a transperson can hear from others trying to justify their misgendering and misnaming. And yet, she remains subservient to her patriarch father who has never respected her, and she believes she should feel bad about how she avoided her (abusive, addicted, ignorant) father and gave him an ultimatum, for her safety. She feels bad about how her father and the rest of her family are "mourning" her old self. She has clearly internalized transphobia.
A simple reason I dislike Janet Mock and her book so much is that Janet Mock is bourgeois. She has had many privileges despite her background and identity, most importantly an accepting family (except her father). She mentions queer/youth homelessness (the most important issue for me) once at the end, and this as with her mentions of intersectionality and so on, are just an afterthought. She fixates on trans-bourgeois issues like surgery to the point of endangering her own life just to get it, only to perpetuate hierarchy and transphobia by feeling 'better' than the 'non-transitioned' folks who don't pass in the system of oppression like she does.
She does what I've found many transwomen (and any person-of-gender with dreams of assimilation) seem to do - create a hierarchy of self-entitled attention wherein her group is said to be the most oppressed and most important, when this is destructive and untrue. Her views of body-shaming, transphobia, classism, her wealth and attention, all distract the community and the world from the ongoing crises of homelessness, violence, and death happening against these amazing and variant people. I don't care about the life of ignorant rich people - be they trans or cis. I care only about the lives of those who struggle most - the youth these people abandon as they pull the camera closer to their selfish faces. This book is not radical enough, Janet Mock is not radical enough, and many queer people and young people as a whole will continue to suffer in devastating poverty because of it.
Furthermore, the negative reactions I have received for this review simply delve into character attacks, transphobia, and transmisogyny against me. I'm sure there's a way to disagree with transgender people on certain issues without perpetuating the same attitudes and dynamics that are killing my people.
-
I first heard of Janet Mock many years ago from her article. I read it around the same time CeCe Mcdonald was kidnapped by police, so it was an awakening time for the politics of my then-vague transness. Now, though, when reading this for my studies in college, I realize my fears: that Janet Mock wrote a bourgeois memoir.
From the very first sentences advertising about buying dresses she didn't need and reading things on her Iphone, I knew I was delving into a rich-people's book. Now, I hoped she had presented this beginning to suggest she grew out of it, yet she hardly develops to oppose the materialization of her world. Soon, all the way to the end, I found she is shallow, weak, materialistic, body-shaming and body-policing, and hardly the trans-radical this community needs. She wants to get married and be subservient to men, while others like her are fighting for their very lives. At one point she says "I wish he'd just lean over and kiss me already" - how about you tell him you want to kiss, to practice common consent, and if affirmed then do so yourself!
There are repeated slurs throughout this book, which she is self-entitled to exploit as a way to show everyone how offensive these slurs are. There's loads of repetition, wherein she talks about the slurs used against her (mostly words which don't apply to her and therefore she has no right to use), about how her perception of women is that they are subservient (to which she suggests has changed, and yet is proven false with how she acts around men), and every once in a while trophy-mentions something about intersectionality and racism.
At one point, she even suggests that only transwomen fought in battles like in compton and nyc. This is extremely offensive, and copies the same behaviour of rich gay white cis-men who say only THEY fought there. The point is WE ALL FOUGHT. Why? Because no matter how many reforms we fight for or how many of you get married, we're all targeted for being different and will always be attacked so long as we're different, and we'll especially be attacked by those in power (police).
Another thing I find particularly insulting as a transperson is her perpetuation of and support for the idea that "it's a transition for us/others/the family too!" This is a pathetic loathsome thing a transperson can hear from others trying to justify their misgendering and misnaming. And yet, she remains subservient to her patriarch father who has never respected her, and she believes she should feel bad about how she avoided her (abusive, addicted, ignorant) father and gave him an ultimatum, for her safety. She feels bad about how her father and the rest of her family are "mourning" her old self. She has clearly internalized transphobia.
A simple reason I dislike Janet Mock and her book so much is that Janet Mock is bourgeois. She has had many privileges despite her background and identity, most importantly an accepting family (except her father). She mentions queer/youth homelessness (the most important issue for me) once at the end, and this as with her mentions of intersectionality and so on, are just an afterthought. She fixates on trans-bourgeois issues like surgery to the point of endangering her own life just to get it, only to perpetuate hierarchy and transphobia by feeling 'better' than the 'non-transitioned' folks who don't pass in the system of oppression like she does.
She does what I've found many transwomen (and any person-of-gender with dreams of assimilation) seem to do - create a hierarchy of self-entitled attention wherein her group is said to be the most oppressed and most important, when this is destructive and untrue. Her views of body-shaming, transphobia, classism, her wealth and attention, all distract the community and the world from the ongoing crises of homelessness, violence, and death happening against these amazing and variant people. I don't care about the life of ignorant rich people - be they trans or cis. I care only about the lives of those who struggle most - the youth these people abandon as they pull the camera closer to their selfish faces. This book is not radical enough, Janet Mock is not radical enough, and many queer people and young people as a whole will continue to suffer in devastating poverty because of it.
September 21, 2021
|| || || ||
I've had this book on my Kindle for ages but never got around to reading it until now and I am kicking myself for that because this book was so good. I tore through the pages feeling an incredible emotional investment because the way Janet Mock writes really sucks you in. REDEFINING REALNESS is Janet Mock's memoir about womanhood, and, more specifically, womanhood as told through her own unique perspective as a BIPOC/Native Hawaiian transwoman.
There were so many passages in here that I wanted to quote. Her writing is gorgeous and she brings up a lot of really good points. She writes about what it was like for her to be raised as if she were a boy and her gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. She writes about sexual assault (TW!) and the ways it psychologically damaged her for years to come. She writes about sex work, and the male gaze, and how the whole framing of "passing" is harmful because it holds up cis-gendered people as this lofty ideal, while also enforcing toxic beauty standards. She also writes about coming out, self-love, and what it was like for her to get her various therapies and surgeries.
At times, this was a very difficult read because she goes to some very dark places. But juxtaposed against every painful section is a friend or group of friends who supported her or a passage of self-affirmation about how she likes who she is. I also thought it was interesting about how she wrote on privilege, and underscored how no woman (trans- or otherwise)'s experience is going to be the same. Many things for her were difficult, but as someone who is conventionally attractive and had a family who mostly (with mixed success) supported her transition, she automatically has certain advantages that made her situation easier than someone who is not as conventionally attractive, doesn't fit the Western gender norms for what is considered feminine, and doesn't have familial support.
I would recommend this to anyone who is looking for a solid memoir that deals with important subjects pertaining to feminism, trans issues, coming of age, and womanhood in a fresh and engaging way. Less topically but perhaps most endearingly, I kind of fell in love with all of the early 2000s cultural references. Destiny's Child, perfumed lotion, Lipsmackers, TRL. My childhood.
4 to 4.5 stars
February 15, 2018
I’ve been interested in this book ever since hearing Janet Mock talk on The Colbert Report (segment here). I loved her willingness to laugh at herself, her attempts to focus the disconcerting Colbert, her willingness to articulate identity issues on a show that specializes in sarcasm. Only in her late twenties, she’s written the story of her process of gender identity to date in Redefining Realness, an autobiography that is occasionally as telling for what is included as minimized.
Redefining Realness starts with an Author’s Note, an Introduction, and finally an untitled preface of New York City, 2009, and her decision to share her past with a boyfriend who has become very close. As she takes a deep breath into disclosure, the narrative dives into her past, transitioning to Part One, Honolulu, first grade 1989. Having been born with male genitals, Janet was named ‘Charles� after her father, but recalls feeling female gendered since her earliest years. She relates a story where a childhood friend, Marilyn, dared her to put on a dress hanging on the clothesline. It became a Big Deal, with Grandma catching her, her sister tattling and her mom having a Conversation. The anecdote becomes a point to begin educating the reader about the process of gender definition, the cultural norms that assign items as gendered (hair, clothes, walk, etc.) and how they are reinforced through our daily acts. The juxtaposition of the intellectual deconstruction with her life events foreshadows a pattern continued through her narrative.
Janet segues into her parents� history, her witnessing of her dad’s ongoing affair, her mother’s discoveries leading to suicide attempts and dissolution of the marriage. The separation precipitated Janet’s dad moving to Oakland and, once her mom was pregnant with a new child and in a new relationship, Janet joining him. The rest of the narrative covers time in Oakland with her dad and his addiction issues, and the move to Texas and his family. Part Two begins with Janet’s return to Hawai’i in 1995. Throughout her moves, Janet relates moments where her gender identity was a struggle. Part Three begins with her claiming the name ‘Janet� out loud to her high school as a sophomore, and the steps that followed as she became more out about claiming a female identity and seeking to make her identity a biological reality.
Two completely random observations: Interestingly, though Janet doesn’t overtly discuss it, many of those early gender moments are centered around hair, whether admiring the silky long hair of her mother, or her father punishing her by taking her to the barber for a short haircut. I found it particularly interesting as hair is a powerful touchstone in African-American culture, and Janet seemed to seize on it as part of establishing her femininity. Second, Hawaiian culture (and perhaps culture of the late 90s?) seems to be far more comfortable with gender ambiguity than most areas in America.
What can you say about someone’s heartfelt autobiography? I’m not qualified to judge anyone’s life; what I look for in autobiography are the moments of emotional honesty that cut to the heart of human experience, that acknowledge the complexity of what it means to be human with all of our good intentions and sad mistakes. Mock’s autobiography largely succeeds here, although with an emotional brevity that somewhat limits the feeling of engagement.
I appreciated Mock’s attempts to transcend the specifics of the individual experience, reflecting on the larger social issues that contextualize her experience. For instance, in the section where she discusses her childhood sexual abuse, she also relates some facts about sexual abuse offenders. In the section on sex work, she also integrates discussion of defined womanhood as well as the economics of survival sex work. At times, the deconstruction provides excellent insight into the situation from a cultural perspective; at other times, it makes for sweeping generalities that minimize the emotional complexities. Occasionally, the pieces also feel a little bit Gender Studies 101, although I acknowledge my intellectual exposure in the genre is greater than many readers�, it lacked some of the subtlety and finesse I expected from someone blurbed by bell hooks.
More disappointing are a couple sections that are minimized, particularly the less than one-page mention of losing her virginity at the age of sixteen. I don’t think it is voyeurism as much as wanting to know how she negotiated an emotionally loaded experience in any human’s life, beyond a passing note of, “weeks later, I lost my virginity…� But memory is tricky, and in my own case, what I think I remember about my own experience is no doubt different than my memories of it in my twenties, and then again in my thirties. Is it fair to ask that Mock share it? I don’t know, but for most of us, gender is tied up in sexuality, and in Mock’s own story, she makes it clear that while it is related, it is also complicated. I think I wished for more of those sorts of discussions than experiences of buying her first lip gloss or hanging at the MAC makeup counter.
By the end, I admired Mock’s willingness to share so much, to acknowledge the times she was perhaps (understandably) focused on her survival at the expense of others (the very definition of adolescence), and to recognize and celebrate her multiple identities. Very briefly, as part of her narrative of the sex trade, Mock acknowledges with amazing honesty “kindness and compassion are sisters but not twins� to have compassion for these men would mean that I’d have to know them and they would have to know me.� It proved a telling line, although likely not quite in the way she meant it. I found at times she was very self-critical, sounding unforgiving for perspectives I’d attribute to the arrogance of youth. I give her credit–I don’t know that I’d ever publish an entire book exposing my childhood as well as innumerable coming-of-age vulnerabilities. I hope she can find some compassion for herself.
Redefining Realness starts with an Author’s Note, an Introduction, and finally an untitled preface of New York City, 2009, and her decision to share her past with a boyfriend who has become very close. As she takes a deep breath into disclosure, the narrative dives into her past, transitioning to Part One, Honolulu, first grade 1989. Having been born with male genitals, Janet was named ‘Charles� after her father, but recalls feeling female gendered since her earliest years. She relates a story where a childhood friend, Marilyn, dared her to put on a dress hanging on the clothesline. It became a Big Deal, with Grandma catching her, her sister tattling and her mom having a Conversation. The anecdote becomes a point to begin educating the reader about the process of gender definition, the cultural norms that assign items as gendered (hair, clothes, walk, etc.) and how they are reinforced through our daily acts. The juxtaposition of the intellectual deconstruction with her life events foreshadows a pattern continued through her narrative.
Janet segues into her parents� history, her witnessing of her dad’s ongoing affair, her mother’s discoveries leading to suicide attempts and dissolution of the marriage. The separation precipitated Janet’s dad moving to Oakland and, once her mom was pregnant with a new child and in a new relationship, Janet joining him. The rest of the narrative covers time in Oakland with her dad and his addiction issues, and the move to Texas and his family. Part Two begins with Janet’s return to Hawai’i in 1995. Throughout her moves, Janet relates moments where her gender identity was a struggle. Part Three begins with her claiming the name ‘Janet� out loud to her high school as a sophomore, and the steps that followed as she became more out about claiming a female identity and seeking to make her identity a biological reality.
Two completely random observations: Interestingly, though Janet doesn’t overtly discuss it, many of those early gender moments are centered around hair, whether admiring the silky long hair of her mother, or her father punishing her by taking her to the barber for a short haircut. I found it particularly interesting as hair is a powerful touchstone in African-American culture, and Janet seemed to seize on it as part of establishing her femininity. Second, Hawaiian culture (and perhaps culture of the late 90s?) seems to be far more comfortable with gender ambiguity than most areas in America.
What can you say about someone’s heartfelt autobiography? I’m not qualified to judge anyone’s life; what I look for in autobiography are the moments of emotional honesty that cut to the heart of human experience, that acknowledge the complexity of what it means to be human with all of our good intentions and sad mistakes. Mock’s autobiography largely succeeds here, although with an emotional brevity that somewhat limits the feeling of engagement.
I appreciated Mock’s attempts to transcend the specifics of the individual experience, reflecting on the larger social issues that contextualize her experience. For instance, in the section where she discusses her childhood sexual abuse, she also relates some facts about sexual abuse offenders. In the section on sex work, she also integrates discussion of defined womanhood as well as the economics of survival sex work. At times, the deconstruction provides excellent insight into the situation from a cultural perspective; at other times, it makes for sweeping generalities that minimize the emotional complexities. Occasionally, the pieces also feel a little bit Gender Studies 101, although I acknowledge my intellectual exposure in the genre is greater than many readers�, it lacked some of the subtlety and finesse I expected from someone blurbed by bell hooks.
More disappointing are a couple sections that are minimized, particularly the less than one-page mention of losing her virginity at the age of sixteen. I don’t think it is voyeurism as much as wanting to know how she negotiated an emotionally loaded experience in any human’s life, beyond a passing note of, “weeks later, I lost my virginity…� But memory is tricky, and in my own case, what I think I remember about my own experience is no doubt different than my memories of it in my twenties, and then again in my thirties. Is it fair to ask that Mock share it? I don’t know, but for most of us, gender is tied up in sexuality, and in Mock’s own story, she makes it clear that while it is related, it is also complicated. I think I wished for more of those sorts of discussions than experiences of buying her first lip gloss or hanging at the MAC makeup counter.
By the end, I admired Mock’s willingness to share so much, to acknowledge the times she was perhaps (understandably) focused on her survival at the expense of others (the very definition of adolescence), and to recognize and celebrate her multiple identities. Very briefly, as part of her narrative of the sex trade, Mock acknowledges with amazing honesty “kindness and compassion are sisters but not twins� to have compassion for these men would mean that I’d have to know them and they would have to know me.� It proved a telling line, although likely not quite in the way she meant it. I found at times she was very self-critical, sounding unforgiving for perspectives I’d attribute to the arrogance of youth. I give her credit–I don’t know that I’d ever publish an entire book exposing my childhood as well as innumerable coming-of-age vulnerabilities. I hope she can find some compassion for herself.
September 27, 2015
This would actually make a great introductory book if you want to learn more about trans issues or want to give it to someone you know. Mock is careful to explain concepts and doesn't assume the reader is familiar with vocabulary or basic premises. It's also, of course, well written and honest even in extremely vulnerable, difficult moments. Definitely recommended.
July 6, 2016
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We can all benefit from educating ourselves more about what it means to a Trans person in our society. Janet details her evolution from being a boy who knows she's a girl, to living in her truth and learning what that is. It was really jarring to imagine having to hide facets of your personality, because society doesn't believe you should have them. The violence that is committed against Trans people shows the high intolerance our society has for difference. Janet weaves her life's story with educational statistics, and quotes that help highlight the lived experiences of Trans youth.
Janet's life was not an easy one, but she was determined to be successful despite the many challenges she faced. Growing up in Hawaii where she was fortunate to have a Trans community that offered her support, she took advantage of the resources that were available. Janet's family reacted to her transition in varied but ultimately supportive ways. In addition to her discovering who she was gender wise, she also had to grapple with the challenges of being a person of color. The use of humor and a very honest description of who Janet is, was refreshing and kept me engaged in the narrative.
This book tackles very serious topics including substance abuse, poverty, sexual abuse and domestic violence. Janet was able to use her lived experience to find success, but it was clear that she paid a high cost to exist as herself. The story line did jump around a bit, but overall it worked well. For those of us who aren't marginalized in our society, the story telling of the often ignored, should fuel us to create safer spaces for everyone. This book definitely offered me that inspiration. I would recommend this book to readers who enjoy reading about diverse lived experiences and learning more about Trans community's of color.
We can all benefit from educating ourselves more about what it means to a Trans person in our society. Janet details her evolution from being a boy who knows she's a girl, to living in her truth and learning what that is. It was really jarring to imagine having to hide facets of your personality, because society doesn't believe you should have them. The violence that is committed against Trans people shows the high intolerance our society has for difference. Janet weaves her life's story with educational statistics, and quotes that help highlight the lived experiences of Trans youth.
"I didn't have the words to define who I was, but I recognized me and often chose to dismiss her with the one question that pushed me to put the mask back on: Who will ever love you if you tell the truth?"
Janet's life was not an easy one, but she was determined to be successful despite the many challenges she faced. Growing up in Hawaii where she was fortunate to have a Trans community that offered her support, she took advantage of the resources that were available. Janet's family reacted to her transition in varied but ultimately supportive ways. In addition to her discovering who she was gender wise, she also had to grapple with the challenges of being a person of color. The use of humor and a very honest description of who Janet is, was refreshing and kept me engaged in the narrative.
"To embody "realness," rather than performing and competing "realness", enables trans women to enter spaces with a lower risk of being rebutted or questioned, policed or attacked."
This book tackles very serious topics including substance abuse, poverty, sexual abuse and domestic violence. Janet was able to use her lived experience to find success, but it was clear that she paid a high cost to exist as herself. The story line did jump around a bit, but overall it worked well. For those of us who aren't marginalized in our society, the story telling of the often ignored, should fuel us to create safer spaces for everyone. This book definitely offered me that inspiration. I would recommend this book to readers who enjoy reading about diverse lived experiences and learning more about Trans community's of color.
January 17, 2015
Who thinks Janet Mock could pass the Bechdel Test? Not me.
While I appreciate and respect the vulnerabilities she shares in this book, I find it really hard to swallow that the premise of this books existence was basically built on the support (and need for romantic love) of a man.
While I appreciate and respect the vulnerabilities she shares in this book, I find it really hard to swallow that the premise of this books existence was basically built on the support (and need for romantic love) of a man.
January 6, 2020
In Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More, Janet Mock opens herself up, exposing her most vulnerable memories and struggles, to provide encouragement to those going through similar situations and build understanding and empathy in those who aren't. ** spoilers and sexual themes ahead ** She doesn't hold back on the details of repeated abuse as a child, which she is clear to disentangle from her sexual identity and attraction: those were both fixed well before the abuse took place. She talks about growing her hair out and taking on the experimental identity of Keisha at 10. There's the first boy who shows interest in her as a girl, followed soon thereafter by cruel retribution when her father cuts her hair. She befriends Wendy, a fellow traveler who tells her about hormone injections, and connects Janet (her new name, chosen as an admiring nod to Janet Jackson) with a helpful doctor. After that, it's a challenge to find money to afford the regular injections and their steep $10 price tag. It's not the kind of thing insurance covers, were that even an option. Not wanting to burden or include her family in the process, Janet finds a community of trans sex workers who accept her. They share their knowledge and affirm her changing body, and after much resistance she also begins to sell access to her body. Janet shares the memorable stories: some positive, some banal, and one particularly terrifying (I'm filled with a spirit of vengeance just thinking about it). She details the steps she took to avoid some of the most common pitfalls, and where she learned to put her foot down.
This all begins as Janet is still an under-age high school student. The money helps pay for her needs and niceties (and occasional help to her suspicious family), but her primary goal is to save up for gender affirmation surgery. Janet makes clear that this is not for everyone, but it's right for her: she wants a body to match her identity. The fact that she passes easily as a woman is a point of reflection and even struggle for Janet: she is attractive, and often feels set apart from others within the trans community by her actions and theirs. It's complicated, and Janet shares the challenges of perception and expectation coming from all directions. There's also the fraught process of dating men, and she talks about her relationship with Aaron. She is thrilled when this handsome man falls instantly for her, but then struggles with when and how to reveal her truth to him. The desire to be honest with him conflicts with the fact that she doesn't owe apologies for who she is. The march toward intimacy conflicts with his expectations. The typically vulnerability of establishing a relationship is heightened by the fears of a negative reaction, which in many situations can be violent. I won't spoil how that one turns out, but it's a fascinating, multi-stage process.
At this point in the story, Janet is maintaining a 3.8 GPA, and wins a scholarship that positions her to move to New York and get a master's degree in pursuit of a writing career. She crosses the finish line in her financial goal by accepting a role in a pornographic film, something she regrets and wishes she could expunge from this story and her past. Instead, she soldiers on and gives us the details, and reflects on how our actions follow us in the age of the internet. She also shares the details of surgery, which I will also leave for the book to detail.
The story ends shortly thereafter, but Janet carries on as a confident and successful woman sharing her experience and advice in writing and on screen. I'm thankful for her candor, and learned a lot from her story. The beauty of books is that they allow us to vicariously sample another's life, and this is a sterling example of that principle. Janet narrates the audio book, so I recommend that as a great way to dive in.
This all begins as Janet is still an under-age high school student. The money helps pay for her needs and niceties (and occasional help to her suspicious family), but her primary goal is to save up for gender affirmation surgery. Janet makes clear that this is not for everyone, but it's right for her: she wants a body to match her identity. The fact that she passes easily as a woman is a point of reflection and even struggle for Janet: she is attractive, and often feels set apart from others within the trans community by her actions and theirs. It's complicated, and Janet shares the challenges of perception and expectation coming from all directions. There's also the fraught process of dating men, and she talks about her relationship with Aaron. She is thrilled when this handsome man falls instantly for her, but then struggles with when and how to reveal her truth to him. The desire to be honest with him conflicts with the fact that she doesn't owe apologies for who she is. The march toward intimacy conflicts with his expectations. The typically vulnerability of establishing a relationship is heightened by the fears of a negative reaction, which in many situations can be violent. I won't spoil how that one turns out, but it's a fascinating, multi-stage process.
At this point in the story, Janet is maintaining a 3.8 GPA, and wins a scholarship that positions her to move to New York and get a master's degree in pursuit of a writing career. She crosses the finish line in her financial goal by accepting a role in a pornographic film, something she regrets and wishes she could expunge from this story and her past. Instead, she soldiers on and gives us the details, and reflects on how our actions follow us in the age of the internet. She also shares the details of surgery, which I will also leave for the book to detail.
The story ends shortly thereafter, but Janet carries on as a confident and successful woman sharing her experience and advice in writing and on screen. I'm thankful for her candor, and learned a lot from her story. The beauty of books is that they allow us to vicariously sample another's life, and this is a sterling example of that principle. Janet narrates the audio book, so I recommend that as a great way to dive in.
August 28, 2017
Fantastic memoir of a woman who was confident in her gender identity from a young age but struggled with family dysfunction, poverty, gender dysphoria and racism. Am absolutely brilliant study of trans living in the United States. I learnt a lot about trans phobia, appropriate language and everyday acceptance.
January 2, 2016
It was great getting to know someone I admire so much on a deeper level. An incredibly raw story of finding one's own most authentic self.
October 28, 2021
loved. read for my gender studies class.
November 9, 2014
Read this book. It tells about Janet Mock's journey to self acceptance and womanhood. The way her family learned to cope. She realized she was different from an early age. Her family tried to stop her from being feminine, especially her father. She tried to repress it to be the perfect son, but it didn't work.
Soon she was able to get hormones and get closer to who she really is. It's interesting to finally see a book from a transgender perspective instead of a parent or a sibling bemoaning the loss of someone who isn't lost at all. They're right there. They haven't died. They've only become closer to who they've always been.
So, yes, you must buy this book and read it!
Soon she was able to get hormones and get closer to who she really is. It's interesting to finally see a book from a transgender perspective instead of a parent or a sibling bemoaning the loss of someone who isn't lost at all. They're right there. They haven't died. They've only become closer to who they've always been.
So, yes, you must buy this book and read it!
February 13, 2014
This is a story of triumph over adversity. Of being true to one's self in a culture that devalues the lives of ALL black women. Mock stands tall, shines bright and demands RESPECT. If that bothers you, well, go read Fifty Shades of Grey.
May 28, 2020
4.5 - Janet Mock’s memoir is an excellent exploration of womanhood, being trans, and the violence that especially impacts trans women of color. Redefining Realness mostly focuses on Janet’s life growing up, coming to understand her own gender identity, and the complicated relationships she had with her family.
She is extremely open, sharing stories of childhood sexual assault, her parents� struggles with addiction, and her experiences with sex work. She also emphasizes that her own transition and the route she took doesn’t represent all trans women, this is just her own story.
My only criticism of the book is that I thought it got a little bit rushed at the end. We spend so much time seeing her childhood and teen years, then the book mostly cuts off when she’s 18. I guess her twenties are covered more fully in her second book. But the opening of the book seeing her in her late twenties in New York made me think this memoir would show more of how she got to that place.
She is extremely open, sharing stories of childhood sexual assault, her parents� struggles with addiction, and her experiences with sex work. She also emphasizes that her own transition and the route she took doesn’t represent all trans women, this is just her own story.
My only criticism of the book is that I thought it got a little bit rushed at the end. We spend so much time seeing her childhood and teen years, then the book mostly cuts off when she’s 18. I guess her twenties are covered more fully in her second book. But the opening of the book seeing her in her late twenties in New York made me think this memoir would show more of how she got to that place.
February 3, 2014
It just didn't seem well written to me. Too many sweeping statements about life lessons that she conveyed in grandiose sentences. I feel like what is unusual about her story is that she came out post-transition, after establishing herself as an adult woman, rather than most trans celebrities I can think of for whom coming out meant announcing the start of a transition. It would've been more interesting to read about her adulthood than her childhood, which mainly differs from other trans memoirs I've read in the fact that she had so much support. (I mean, I know it was a difficult childhood, but for reasons other than her gender.)
April 6, 2016
TW for child sexual abuse, drug abuse, dysfunctional family junk, forced sex work, and of course transmisogyny, cissexism, and racism!
Janet Mock is not a perfect writer. I grimaced my way through the first quarter of the book, which is full of unnecessary descriptions and awkwardly overstuffed phrases. I was puzzled by her professed love of storytelling and professional writing experience when her prose was so distractingly clunky. Those concerns fell away, however, whenever she switched gears from setting her scenes to actually telling her story. It is compelling and swift, and she makes her most important points with clarity. Her more novelistic moments aren't great, but as a journalist reporting on her own life and dearly held issues, she earns all five stars.
Her background is a lot rougher than I had gathered from the Marie Claire profile and her twitter, which I've followed for some time. She was sexually abused as a young child, abandoned and neglected by both her parents at various times, and lived in poverty throughout, including five years at the epicenter of Oakland's crack epidemic. She is frank, and remarkably forgiving, about the fact that her parents were unreliable and selfish and cared more about getting laid and getting high than taking care of their children. Her father berated her constantly for her early evident femininity. She did transition successfully during her teen years, but that was made possible partly by her mother's indifference, and funded almost entirely through underage prostitution and a humiliating foray into porn. None of it sounds easy or fun in the slightest.
And yet the thing that stuns me is that Janet Mock is a success story, an exceptional example of a trans woman who's had a relatively easy time of it. She is healthy and happy and even during her high school years while transitioning in public and feeling forced to resort to sex work, she managed to avoid arrest, violent hate crimes, drug addiction, and depression, while earning a full scholarship to university. She "lucked out" all over the place. I wish everyone could understand what that means, for a story like hers to be one of the better ones available to trans women, especially poor trans women of color. It is intense and humbling and terrifying.
Throughout the book she periodically stops and explains the context of her experience as a trans person, a mixed-race woman, an abuse survivor, a sex worker, a human who embodies all and more of these struggles. I definitely recommend for more detailed deconstruction of transmisogyny/antifemininity in general, but this book is so much more intersectional, and I think a reader who didn't have much background in the issues she's discussing would still benefit and understand a great deal just from this.
Now I am inspired to own my truth and vulnerability and read Zora Neale Hurston and be a doper person. Which is all you can really ask from a book, IMO.
Janet Mock is not a perfect writer. I grimaced my way through the first quarter of the book, which is full of unnecessary descriptions and awkwardly overstuffed phrases. I was puzzled by her professed love of storytelling and professional writing experience when her prose was so distractingly clunky. Those concerns fell away, however, whenever she switched gears from setting her scenes to actually telling her story. It is compelling and swift, and she makes her most important points with clarity. Her more novelistic moments aren't great, but as a journalist reporting on her own life and dearly held issues, she earns all five stars.
Her background is a lot rougher than I had gathered from the Marie Claire profile and her twitter, which I've followed for some time. She was sexually abused as a young child, abandoned and neglected by both her parents at various times, and lived in poverty throughout, including five years at the epicenter of Oakland's crack epidemic. She is frank, and remarkably forgiving, about the fact that her parents were unreliable and selfish and cared more about getting laid and getting high than taking care of their children. Her father berated her constantly for her early evident femininity. She did transition successfully during her teen years, but that was made possible partly by her mother's indifference, and funded almost entirely through underage prostitution and a humiliating foray into porn. None of it sounds easy or fun in the slightest.
And yet the thing that stuns me is that Janet Mock is a success story, an exceptional example of a trans woman who's had a relatively easy time of it. She is healthy and happy and even during her high school years while transitioning in public and feeling forced to resort to sex work, she managed to avoid arrest, violent hate crimes, drug addiction, and depression, while earning a full scholarship to university. She "lucked out" all over the place. I wish everyone could understand what that means, for a story like hers to be one of the better ones available to trans women, especially poor trans women of color. It is intense and humbling and terrifying.
Throughout the book she periodically stops and explains the context of her experience as a trans person, a mixed-race woman, an abuse survivor, a sex worker, a human who embodies all and more of these struggles. I definitely recommend for more detailed deconstruction of transmisogyny/antifemininity in general, but this book is so much more intersectional, and I think a reader who didn't have much background in the issues she's discussing would still benefit and understand a great deal just from this.
Now I am inspired to own my truth and vulnerability and read Zora Neale Hurston and be a doper person. Which is all you can really ask from a book, IMO.
Read
April 23, 2015Janet Mock lives for Beyoncé…and I live for Janet Mock! I’m the exact same age as Janet, and I had such a blast getting swept up the late �90s pop-culture backdrop of her memoir: Destiny’s Child, Janet Jackson, Aaliyah, RuPaul, The Real World, TRL. But the real joy came from her frankness and openness about her experiences becoming the woman she is today � from her childhood spent in poverty and her family’s struggles with drug addiction, to her sexual abuse as a child and her harassment when she came out as a proud trans woman to her high school teachers. Janet Mock’s memoir is shockingly candid and beautiful, and her journey of reconciliation with her family made me sob. I also loved her references throughout to Toni Morrison, Zora Neale Hurston, Maya Angelou, and Oprah. I can’t believe she’s exactly my age and has already survived and accomplished so very much in her life. I’m a new fan, and I recommend this book to literally everyone! � Rachel Smalter Hall
from The Best Books We Read In March:
from The Best Books We Read In March:
May 16, 2020
I read this book because I thought I would enjoy it. I had no idea that I would relate to it. At the crux of this story, we can all relate to hiding some part of ourselves and being afraid of what will happen if someone finds out. Although this can be viewed as a heavy topic, this book had me laughing throughout. There certainly are many parts that are not laughable, but Mock does a brilliant balancing act with the content in that regard. Tenacity and resilience may be an understatement when referring to Mock.
December 6, 2015
I tried this one on audiobook: Janet Mock narrates her own memoir, and she's wonderful.
Mock was born a girl in a boy's body, and this is her story. I'm from Hawaii, where Janet came of age, and I learned so much about the trans community in Hawaii, and what it was like for a trans woman of color to grow up there.
Mock's story is breathtaking. I don't have the words to describe how great this book was or how much I got out of it. I would recommend this to anyone.
Mock was born a girl in a boy's body, and this is her story. I'm from Hawaii, where Janet came of age, and I learned so much about the trans community in Hawaii, and what it was like for a trans woman of color to grow up there.
Mock's story is breathtaking. I don't have the words to describe how great this book was or how much I got out of it. I would recommend this to anyone.
February 5, 2017
A raw and touching memoir, Janet beautifully intersperses basic knowledge of the trans experience with her own personal narratives. It's impossible not to be moved by her story.
December 25, 2021
In my review of
The Transgender Issue
, I said I was more interested in manifestos than memoirs when it comes to trans people. This remains the case. However, as Redefining Realness demonstrates, memoirs can still be powerful and useful. I read this as part of the same book club that got me reading
White Tears/Brown Scars
. I was initially apprehensive to be one of the few if only transfeminine people in a group of predominantly cis people discussing this book—but I chose to participate firstly because I have made a promise to myself not to let my fears hold me back, and secondly because the organizer of the book club is a rad person and I knew I would feel safe. I wanted to have good conversations about gender and also race, which is an important factor in Janet Mock’s life and this book.
My initial reaction to Redefining Realness was that Mock’s gender journey is quite distinct from my own. This is fine, of course—no two trans people are going to have the same story of transition, and Mock and I are separated by nationality, race, time period, sexuality, and career choices. There were definitely some more general observations about gender that resonated with me—I will get to those in due time—but overall, little of Mock’s experience matches with mine.
The most obvious point of departure is simply the age at which Mock began to realize she was different from her siblings and peers. At first she thought she might be gay, since language like trans, etc., wasn’t as common when she was a child. But she knew she was different early on, knew she liked feminine things. She recounts how much she enjoyed spending time in the kitchen around her grandmother and aunts, observing that “this is womanhood� and it was something she wanted access to. Although it took me a much longer time frame to realize I’m trans, I can identify with that observation, for it was something I articulated very early in my journey: I didn’t want to be treated like one of the girls; I wanted to be one of the girls.
Mock eventually discovers, through meeting other trans people her age and older, that trans applies to her, and that she wants to express herself differently and start hormone therapy. I hope that the cis people who read this book will grasp how lack of reliable and affordable access to gender-affirming care is still a serious issue for trans people, both in the States and here in Canada. Mock’s frank discussion of how she turned to sex work out of neither pride nor trafficking but rather the sense that as long as she had a body, she could make the money she needed for gender-affirming surgery belies the simplistic narratives we often tell about sex work. She is not apologetic for her actions, yet she does not celebrate what she did either. For her, it is another example of a chapter in her life that was made harder by her circumstances.
As always, I am more interested in the social rather than medical aspects of transition given the latter’s over-emphasis in our media (something Mock also laments). Mock’s social transition is interesting because she begins by coming out in high school before ultimately “living stealth,� as we say, when she moves to New York. When she initially comes out, she faces challenges that are all too familiar to me: people using the wrong name or pronoun (intentionally or not), and an unevenness in how people accept or react to one’s transition. I’d like to say my experience was “better� than Mock’s, but again, I can only really settle on different. I had some challenges she didn’t as a result of my age and embarking on transition at the start of a pandemic; she had challenges I didn’t as a result of her age, her economic circumstances, and the time in which she lived. It’s difficult to compare, but part of me is sad I can recognize so much of my struggle in hers despite our separation of over two decades.
I appreciated Mock’s commentary on race as well. In particular, she observes how she was racialized differently depending on where she lived, Texas or Hawai’i—in the former she was Black; in the latter her connection to her heritage was far more nuanced. Again, she undermines simplistic stories we like to tell about race, particularly race in America.
In book club, we were discussing how race and gender differ in terms of marginalization despite both being social constructs that can be used to oppress. Mock’s description at the intersections of race and gender led me to conceptualize it thusly: race is weaponized; gender is pathologized. White supremacy uses whiteness as a way to reward or punish through inclusion/exclusion—we see this in how the definitions of whiteness have changed throughout history. Whereas with gender, if you do not conform to the roles set out through your assigned gender at birth, something is wrong with you in a pathological sense. Cis women who don’t have kids have been, and sometimes continue to be, told that something is wrong with them for lacking that maternal urge. For trans people like myself, we have always been at the mercy of a diagnosis to be legally recognized in various circumstances—the fact that it has changed from “gender identity disorder� to “gender dysphoria� doesn’t erase the pathologization of my gender identity. Hence, while both race and gender are social constructs that can create conditions of oppression, the differing ways in which our society wields those constructs to promote conformity influences how we perceive them as ideas.
Mock’s writing style is clear and simple in a good way: her descriptions are candid and forthright. Whether she is sharing her joy or discussing a truly horrible experience, she tells her story without embellishment. Despite the detailed accounts of sexual abuse, sex work, and other potentially triggering experiences, this book is very easy to read.
If I could change anything about the book, it would simply be to add more about the contemporary events surrounding Mock coming out and what that was like. (I’m guessing she has addressed this in her subsequent books, I hope.) But as far as a memoir of this part of her life goes, it’s pretty good, and I hope for some, eye-opening.
A couple of other quotations that resonated with me.
From the introduction:
This resonated with me because I carry a lot of privilege aside from my transness and count myself somewhat fortunate in my transition. Moreover, I appreciate that Mock emphasizes that one’s identity is not by itself revolutionary. Neither my transness nor my aceness automatically make me a revolutionary. I need to consciously and consistently fight for liberation.
Much later in the book, in Chapter Eleven, Mock notes:
I feel this too. Mock chose Janet in part because of Janet Jackson. I chose Kara because of the CW Supergirl portrayal of Kara Danvers—the show is so progressive, and Kara herself tries so hard yet, mostly because of her whiteness, makes a lot of mistakes. I chose the name to remind myself that I will make mistakes too in the fight for liberation, but I can learn and keep fighting.
Originally posted on , where you can easily browse all my reviews and subscribe to my newsletter.
My initial reaction to Redefining Realness was that Mock’s gender journey is quite distinct from my own. This is fine, of course—no two trans people are going to have the same story of transition, and Mock and I are separated by nationality, race, time period, sexuality, and career choices. There were definitely some more general observations about gender that resonated with me—I will get to those in due time—but overall, little of Mock’s experience matches with mine.
The most obvious point of departure is simply the age at which Mock began to realize she was different from her siblings and peers. At first she thought she might be gay, since language like trans, etc., wasn’t as common when she was a child. But she knew she was different early on, knew she liked feminine things. She recounts how much she enjoyed spending time in the kitchen around her grandmother and aunts, observing that “this is womanhood� and it was something she wanted access to. Although it took me a much longer time frame to realize I’m trans, I can identify with that observation, for it was something I articulated very early in my journey: I didn’t want to be treated like one of the girls; I wanted to be one of the girls.
Mock eventually discovers, through meeting other trans people her age and older, that trans applies to her, and that she wants to express herself differently and start hormone therapy. I hope that the cis people who read this book will grasp how lack of reliable and affordable access to gender-affirming care is still a serious issue for trans people, both in the States and here in Canada. Mock’s frank discussion of how she turned to sex work out of neither pride nor trafficking but rather the sense that as long as she had a body, she could make the money she needed for gender-affirming surgery belies the simplistic narratives we often tell about sex work. She is not apologetic for her actions, yet she does not celebrate what she did either. For her, it is another example of a chapter in her life that was made harder by her circumstances.
As always, I am more interested in the social rather than medical aspects of transition given the latter’s over-emphasis in our media (something Mock also laments). Mock’s social transition is interesting because she begins by coming out in high school before ultimately “living stealth,� as we say, when she moves to New York. When she initially comes out, she faces challenges that are all too familiar to me: people using the wrong name or pronoun (intentionally or not), and an unevenness in how people accept or react to one’s transition. I’d like to say my experience was “better� than Mock’s, but again, I can only really settle on different. I had some challenges she didn’t as a result of my age and embarking on transition at the start of a pandemic; she had challenges I didn’t as a result of her age, her economic circumstances, and the time in which she lived. It’s difficult to compare, but part of me is sad I can recognize so much of my struggle in hers despite our separation of over two decades.
I appreciated Mock’s commentary on race as well. In particular, she observes how she was racialized differently depending on where she lived, Texas or Hawai’i—in the former she was Black; in the latter her connection to her heritage was far more nuanced. Again, she undermines simplistic stories we like to tell about race, particularly race in America.
In book club, we were discussing how race and gender differ in terms of marginalization despite both being social constructs that can be used to oppress. Mock’s description at the intersections of race and gender led me to conceptualize it thusly: race is weaponized; gender is pathologized. White supremacy uses whiteness as a way to reward or punish through inclusion/exclusion—we see this in how the definitions of whiteness have changed throughout history. Whereas with gender, if you do not conform to the roles set out through your assigned gender at birth, something is wrong with you in a pathological sense. Cis women who don’t have kids have been, and sometimes continue to be, told that something is wrong with them for lacking that maternal urge. For trans people like myself, we have always been at the mercy of a diagnosis to be legally recognized in various circumstances—the fact that it has changed from “gender identity disorder� to “gender dysphoria� doesn’t erase the pathologization of my gender identity. Hence, while both race and gender are social constructs that can create conditions of oppression, the differing ways in which our society wields those constructs to promote conformity influences how we perceive them as ideas.
Mock’s writing style is clear and simple in a good way: her descriptions are candid and forthright. Whether she is sharing her joy or discussing a truly horrible experience, she tells her story without embellishment. Despite the detailed accounts of sexual abuse, sex work, and other potentially triggering experiences, this book is very easy to read.
If I could change anything about the book, it would simply be to add more about the contemporary events surrounding Mock coming out and what that was like. (I’m guessing she has addressed this in her subsequent books, I hope.) But as far as a memoir of this part of her life goes, it’s pretty good, and I hope for some, eye-opening.
A couple of other quotations that resonated with me.
From the introduction:
Being exceptional isn’t revoultionary, it’s lonely. It separates you from your community. Who are you, really, without community? I have been held up consistently as a token, as the “right� kind of trans woman (educated, able-bodied, attractive, articulate, heteronormative). It promotes the delusion that because I “made it,� that level of success is easily accessible to all young trans people. Let’s be clear: It is not.
This resonated with me because I carry a lot of privilege aside from my transness and count myself somewhat fortunate in my transition. Moreover, I appreciate that Mock emphasizes that one’s identity is not by itself revolutionary. Neither my transness nor my aceness automatically make me a revolutionary. I need to consciously and consistently fight for liberation.
Much later in the book, in Chapter Eleven, Mock notes:
There’s power in naming yourself, in proclaiming to the world that this is who you are.
I feel this too. Mock chose Janet in part because of Janet Jackson. I chose Kara because of the CW Supergirl portrayal of Kara Danvers—the show is so progressive, and Kara herself tries so hard yet, mostly because of her whiteness, makes a lot of mistakes. I chose the name to remind myself that I will make mistakes too in the fight for liberation, but I can learn and keep fighting.
Originally posted on , where you can easily browse all my reviews and subscribe to my newsletter.
December 27, 2018
How do you review a book that is so impactful in so many ways, but one in which you didn’t particularly take to the writing style and took issue with the way that some things had to be laid out? It’s tough. This book tells an important narrative about a young racialized and indigenous woman transitioning into womanhood in the face of significant obstacles, transphobia being just one of many. It tells the story of a dysfunctional and abusive family that finds a way forward (Mock is WAY more forgiving than me, I was pretty mad at both of her parents). It tells a survival sex work narrative that falls into the middle of a polarized spectrum. It tells of a Hawaii that I want to live in. It references Britney Spears songs with self awareness. But. The writing did read a bit like an editorial to me. And the overarching theme of finding love was reductive; Aaron, who is Mock’s now-husband, is an important part of her life, but he’s not the bookends of this book for me. I also bristled at the amount of social justice 101 this book had to have to explain the structural oppression that racialized trans youth face. I’m tired of a world so hostile that Mock, through no fault of her own, had to break down the facts of her humanity and the unfairness of the world. I did take issue with the way that Janet described bodies, I found her catty at times, and did not see any liberatory body politic in this book. I also did not like the implication that because Janet paid for her own surgery, that she felt that she could say that others who took the money as a gift from someone did not fully own their transformation, and that their identity was forever tied to a donor. Janet did Janet and should have left it there. This book had to be both a memoir and a guide to cis folks and that wasn’t fair to the author. Lots of it was excellent but some of it was problematic in it’s own right. I’m fond of Mock and I’m happy for her journey, for her survival of the hard parts, and also for the things that went well for her. This book was a good read for a mom trying to do her best for her babies to raise them to be themselves freely.
March 26, 2017
Honest, open, unabashedly raw account of one transwoman's journey from awareness, through her evolution into womanhood. She also isn't afraid to reveal all the pitfalls and traps for young woman with little to no resources and very little family support or understanding. You will want to weep for her even as she details how much worse things could have been. This audiobook was all the better for being read by the author & told in her own voice.
June 11, 2019
This book. I am incredibly grateful to @definitelyRA for choosing it as our June title for the @nonfictionwomen book club on Instagram because it had never crossed my radar until then. And now it will live on as one of the most important and compelling books that I have ever read.
I’m seriously unable and unqualified to write a review, so all I can say is that you should read it if you haven’t yet ❤️ 🌈
I’m seriously unable and unqualified to write a review, so all I can say is that you should read it if you haven’t yet ❤️ 🌈
October 13, 2017
Honest, compassionate, fascinating and well worth the read.
May 17, 2015
"Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love and So Much More" authored by Janet Mock, boldly explores her coming of age as a transgender female in a large blended family, and coping with the adversity that occurred during her transition. It was obvious that her largest challenges weren't related to her being transgender, but rather poor parental choices (that included revolving unstable romantic partners), drug abuse, domestic violence, frequent moves, and homelessness.
Although her father once shaved off her beautiful long hair when she was a young teen, her family didn't always fully understand her due to conforming societal pressures. Both parents unconditionally loved and accepted Mock related to the female gender, knowing from childhood she was quite different from typical boys.
Mock also refused to be permanently scarred or victimized by the molestation that happened to her as a child, and was concerned that her being transgender would be associated with it, which was not the case. Mock carefully explained (from the book):
"Gender and gender identity, sex an sexuality are spheres of self discovery that overlap and relate but are not one and the same. Each and every one of us has a sexual orientation and gender identity. A trans person can be straight, gay, bisexual etc; a cis gay, lesbian, or hetrosexual and can conform to gender norms or not. A woman can have a penis and a man can have a vagina."
Mock identified strongly with her female essence and sought out other transgender teens which has resulted in two lifelong friendships. As a teen living with her mother in Hawaii, Mock began hormone treatments, and engaged in prostitution to pay for the cost of gender reassignment surgery, which she scheduled for herself in Thailand. Gender reassignment surgery is now recognized and federally mandated to be covered in health insurance policies since 2014.
This is a welcome addition for LGBT memoir and literature, and highlights the liberating power of family love and acceptance. Janet Mock is a journalist and editor, her work is associated with many notable publications also featured on HBO. This is her first book.
Although her father once shaved off her beautiful long hair when she was a young teen, her family didn't always fully understand her due to conforming societal pressures. Both parents unconditionally loved and accepted Mock related to the female gender, knowing from childhood she was quite different from typical boys.
Mock also refused to be permanently scarred or victimized by the molestation that happened to her as a child, and was concerned that her being transgender would be associated with it, which was not the case. Mock carefully explained (from the book):
"Gender and gender identity, sex an sexuality are spheres of self discovery that overlap and relate but are not one and the same. Each and every one of us has a sexual orientation and gender identity. A trans person can be straight, gay, bisexual etc; a cis gay, lesbian, or hetrosexual and can conform to gender norms or not. A woman can have a penis and a man can have a vagina."
Mock identified strongly with her female essence and sought out other transgender teens which has resulted in two lifelong friendships. As a teen living with her mother in Hawaii, Mock began hormone treatments, and engaged in prostitution to pay for the cost of gender reassignment surgery, which she scheduled for herself in Thailand. Gender reassignment surgery is now recognized and federally mandated to be covered in health insurance policies since 2014.
This is a welcome addition for LGBT memoir and literature, and highlights the liberating power of family love and acceptance. Janet Mock is a journalist and editor, her work is associated with many notable publications also featured on HBO. This is her first book.
February 10, 2016
Janet Mock's memoir of growing up trans is certainly compelling, extremely brave, and undoubtedly important -- and while I'm glad I read it, I found myself struggling throughout with how little I enjoyed doing so. There are moments when the story really comes alive -- for example, the vivid scenes of hanging out with her friend group of young trans women and Mock's fascinating exploration of the fluidity of gender in Hawaiian culture (I'd read a whole book just about this). But just as often, the prose feels clunky or repetitive. A more discerning and/or assertive editor might have made a big difference.
That said, there is much here to admire -- in Mock's story and character, if not always her writing. She's fearless in revealing even the darkest parts of her journey and in using her own stories to put a human face on her discussion of the transgender experience.
That said, there is much here to admire -- in Mock's story and character, if not always her writing. She's fearless in revealing even the darkest parts of her journey and in using her own stories to put a human face on her discussion of the transgender experience.
February 5, 2023
Janet Mock is a Hawaiian/Black trans woman who transitioned as a teenager. She also mentions she is abled and a binary trans woman. I am a white disabled nonbinary trans man who is just starting to transition in my 30s. I mention all that to point out yes, we're both trans, but we have very very little in common. Trans people are not a monolith after all.
I enjoyed (wording?) hearing her story. I mean I hate shit she went through but I appreciated hearing her story and life. She went through a lot of shit, but there's also a lot of hope to. Definitely recommend this memoir and I enjoyed listening to her narrate it.
I enjoyed (wording?) hearing her story. I mean I hate shit she went through but I appreciated hearing her story and life. She went through a lot of shit, but there's also a lot of hope to. Definitely recommend this memoir and I enjoyed listening to her narrate it.
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