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209 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 9, 2015
EXCELLENT BAKER: would you like a freshly-baked scone?
ME: no thank you. i do not care for scones. i prefer muffins. do you have any muffins?
EXCELLENT BAKER: no, i only bake scones, but i am an excellent baker and they are full of things you like: cinnamon and blueberries and nuts and everyone else loves them. try one. (hands ME the scone)
ME: okay, fine, but i really do not enjoy scones. (eats of the scone, tentatively) okay, i'll grant you—as far as scones go, this is pretty good, but if these flavors were in a thing that i like very much—say, a muffin—i bet it would be even better. will you make me a muffin?
EXCELLENT BAKER: no, i will murder you instead! (stabs ME)
ME: NOOOOOOOOO! (dies)
FIN
(M’Closky jumps up on his chair, throws money in the air, and makes it rain—perhaps literally, perhaps figuratively—the theater is a space of infinite possibility)
The cicadas? They just go on singing—singing loudly, singing incessantly—a long, enormously complicated, deeply layered, entirely improvised, ancient song, which is mostly about the morning, but also about the evening and the day but also the night and the sun but also the moon and about waking up and flying around and what it is like to fly around and about loving each other and hating each other and fucking each other and hurting each other but also about trying to find each other in order to hurt and/or fuck each other but also about falling asleep and then waking up again and the quiet and the noise that accompany each day and the sounds of each other’s voices and the occasional music but mostly about the noise and the grass and the sky and the air and the water but also the water in the air and the heat in the air and the dry in the air and the birds in the sky and the birds on the grass and the birds on the branches and always birds—birds always—but also the sap in the branches and the sweetness of the sap in the branches of the trees but also the trees themselves on the grass and the grass on the dirt but also the dirt itself and how they miss the dirt and how they miss their homes in the dirt, the palaces where they came from, and the feeling of missing the thing you can never go back to and the mystery of the way one moves away from it and through the present and the mystery of the present and the mystery of the movement itself and the leaves on the branches and the birds in the leaves on the branches and the branches on the trees and the trees on the grass and the grass on the dirt and dying.
And we can’t understand any of it.
MINNIE: You ever thought of running away?
DIDO: Aw, hell naw. What am I going to look like running through this hot-ass swamp? Uh-uh.
MINNIE: I know, right? Grace’s ass always talking about running away now that Massa dead and I’m like, “Bitch, you need to calm your busybody ass down.�
MINNIE: Girl, is it just me or has it been really quiet?
DIDO: You know, I was just thinking the same thing.
MINNIE: Right?
(Beat.)
(As they work) Even all these white people are being really quiet. I wonder what’s going on today. I couldn’t read that sign out front, because I can’t read.
DIDO: I can’t read it, either. You know it’s illegal for us to read.
MINNIE: Yeeuh, but I was hopin� you wuz one of them secret readin� niggas. You know, like Rhonda.
DIDO: Rhonda can read?!
MINNIE: Shh, girl! It’s a secret.
I believe an important part of being a good artist is recognizing your limits.
So I can respect the pussies who pussy out of a project.
I respect it when they get their “people� to be all like, “Well, such-and-such doesn’t really get the stuff about slaves.�
I’m like, “What is there not to get? It’s slavery.
And I’m not even asking you to play the slaves.
You’re playing the goddamn slave owner.�
I mean, God forbid you ask a black guy
to play some football-playing illiterate drug addict
magical negro Iraq vet with PTSD who’s
secretly on the DL with HIV but who’s
also trying to get out of a generic ghetto with his
pregnant obese girlfriend who has anger-management issues
from a history of sexual abuse�
in fact, everyone’s been sexually abused
and it all climaxes with someone’s mother having a
monologue
where she’s snotting out of her nose and crying everywhere
because she’s been caught smoking crack
and fired from her job as a hotel maid�
(Beat)
(I just made that up…Dibs.)
(Beat)
God forbid any actor of color not jump at the chance
to play an offensive bag of garbage
so far from his own life
but which some idiot critic or marketing intern is going
to describe as
a gritty, truthful portrayal of “the black experience
in America,� but the minute you ask a white guy
to play a racist whose racism isn’t
“complicated� by some monologue
where he’s like,
“I don’t mean to be racist!
It’s just complicated!�
he doesn’t return your phone calls?
Then my therapist was like,
“Don’t you think you ought to not shit where you eat?�
and I was like
“Well, what happens if I shit where I starve?�