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Odd Girl Out
From early childhood, Laura James knew she was different, but it wasn't until her mid-forties that she found out why. A successful journalist and mother to four children, she had spent her whole life feeling as if she were running a different operating system to those around her. This book charts a year in her life and offers a unique insight into the autistic mind and the journey from diagnosis to acceptance. Drawing on personal experience, research and conversations with experts, she learns how 'different' doesn't need to mean 'less' and how it's never too late for any of us to find our place in the world. Laura explores how and why female autism is so under-diagnosed and very different to that seen in men and boys and explores difficulties and benefits neurodiversity can bring.
226 pages, Paperback
First published April 6, 2017
390 people are currently reading
7,561 people want to read
About the author
Laura James
2books43followersLaura James is an author and journalist and the owner of a communications agency. Her writing has appeared in many national and international newspapers and magazines. When not frantically fighting deadlines, she can generally be found hiding under a duvet with a stack of good books and lots of chocolate. She is the mother of four adult children and lives with her husband their dogs and cat in North Norfolk. Since her autism diagnosis she has campaigned for autism awareness and acceptance and written Odd Girl Out, a powerful memoir about dealing with a diagnosis of autism in womanhood.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 436 reviews
June 16, 2018
Having been diagnosed with autism as an adult, I thought I would find more to relate to in this book. But reading this showed me again that the phrase, "If you've met one autistic person, then you've met one autistic person" is true: we may share some traits, but we are not all the same. My dissimilarity to James is not the problem I have with this book though: it is simply not very well written. James was diagnosed with autism in 2015, and this memoir chronicles the following year of her life. So it was written very swiftly after her diagnosis, and I think this may be part of the reason it feels so rushed and poorly analysed: James did not give herself time to really reflect on what had happened, and so everything in the book feels very surface-level. Her writing is repetitive -- she talks again and again about how she struggles when her sons leave home for university, and spends a lot of time talking about the Brexit referendum, often writing one paragraph and then following it with another paragraph that repeats exactly what she said in the preceding paragraph in slightly different words. She has worked as a journalist and I think that also shows in her writing: she rapidly gets across facts, but does not analyse anything in depth, in much the way a short article is written.
In some of the most interesting parts of the book, she talks to autism experts, but she rarely talks to other autistic people. At times, I felt this was damaging -- James' own experiences of autism seem to be relatively lacking in trauma, and if a book sets itself up to be an explanation what it's like to be autistic, I felt she needed to explore further how frightening living with autism can be. Yes, there is certainly a place in which to celebrate the advantages autism gives us, but it's also important to explore the ways in which living in neurotypical society can traumatise us and lead to abuse. James does not really touch on this. Overall, this book felt like an expanded article to me, rather than a clearly conceived memoir, and as such did not work. While I felt some of the information it provided about being autistic was good, it lacked depth, and I ended up frustrated. I would strongly recommend reading Songs of the Gorilla Nation by Dawn Prince-Hughes if you wish to get a fuller understanding of growing up with undiagnosed autism, or are simply seeking solace.
In some of the most interesting parts of the book, she talks to autism experts, but she rarely talks to other autistic people. At times, I felt this was damaging -- James' own experiences of autism seem to be relatively lacking in trauma, and if a book sets itself up to be an explanation what it's like to be autistic, I felt she needed to explore further how frightening living with autism can be. Yes, there is certainly a place in which to celebrate the advantages autism gives us, but it's also important to explore the ways in which living in neurotypical society can traumatise us and lead to abuse. James does not really touch on this. Overall, this book felt like an expanded article to me, rather than a clearly conceived memoir, and as such did not work. While I felt some of the information it provided about being autistic was good, it lacked depth, and I ended up frustrated. I would strongly recommend reading Songs of the Gorilla Nation by Dawn Prince-Hughes if you wish to get a fuller understanding of growing up with undiagnosed autism, or are simply seeking solace.
May 2, 2017
Odd Girl Out: An Autistic Woman in a Neurotypical World is a raw and startlingly honest account of what it is like to be on the autistic spectrum. Laura James always felt that she was different, bit it wasn't until her mid forties that she finally got her diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder, (ASD). Odd Girl Out chronicles Laura's memoirs from when she was first diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome in August 2015, through to December 2016. This book was incredibly insightful and informative, and once I started to read I couldn't stop. It made me nod in agreement, it made me cry. This is also an uncomfortable read at times, but an important one. I feel that everyone who is affected by autism, individuals themselves, parents and professionals, should all read this book.
I wanted to read this book as my youngest son has ASD, he was diagnosed at the age of three in 2011. I like to read books on the subject of autism so that I can better help and enable him to live as independent life as possible. Knowledge as they say is power. I have read many parenting books and autism books by professionals, such as Tony Attwood, Simon Baron-Cohen, Steve Silberman (NeuroTribes was such an interesting read) and Temple Grandin. I do find that books written by individuals on the autistic spectrum, are by far the most helpful to me. They explain candidly about what it is like to be autistic. Odd Girl Out is one of those books. But never before have I read a book that is so raw, that has been stripped to the absolute bones so that all emotions are exposed, and all with the intention of helping indivials who are on the spectrum, and in particular, women. I felt that I was hugely privileged to be allowed into Laura's world, to read her innermost thoughts and to share her experience in the world as an autistic woman. In doing so I felt like I learned so much more about my son's condition and that now, some of his behaviours make more sense to me. I feel that it is very hard for a neurotypical person to fully understand what autism is, in fact scrub that, I will never understand what it is like to be autistic, but by reading such book's as this, I now have more underrating.
This book is also such a breath of fresh air. I am sick to the back teeth of reading about 'cures' and how we need to find a 'cure' for autism. I agree wholeheartedly with Laura when she says that we need to put more resources in place, to have early intervention and help available to parents, rather than ploughing money into researching a cure. Autism is simply different, not less, once again I agree with Laura when she says that autistic brains are wired differently. Just as I find it difficult sometimes to understand my son, he too in turn, most probably finds it difficult to understand me.
Books such as Odd Girl Out are vital. We need voices from the autistic community. This is a fascinating read that features Laura's opinions as well as voices from leading autism professionals such as Tony Attwood, Sara Wild (head teacher at Limpsfield Grange, a school for girls on the autistic spectrum) and Dr Judith Gould, a Consultant Clinical Psychologist. and the Lead Consultant at the Lorna Wing Centre for Autism. All of these factors make for an incredibly informative book, but one that I also read as a story. By the time I had finished the book, I felt terribly sad. I wanted to carry on reading, to learn more about Laura's life. It felt like she had become a close friend, I knew her that well.
I would like to thank Laura for writing such a powerful and emotive book. It brought a lump to my throat while reading it because of her sheer honesty. She definitely pulls no punches and I liked this. Laura James will help so many autistic individuals and their families by sharing her personal story, and in particular she will help so many women, who for too long have been misunderstood and misdiagnosed.
This book really is a must read... for everyone.
With thanks to Bluebird Books for Life who sent me a hardback copy for review purposes.
I wanted to read this book as my youngest son has ASD, he was diagnosed at the age of three in 2011. I like to read books on the subject of autism so that I can better help and enable him to live as independent life as possible. Knowledge as they say is power. I have read many parenting books and autism books by professionals, such as Tony Attwood, Simon Baron-Cohen, Steve Silberman (NeuroTribes was such an interesting read) and Temple Grandin. I do find that books written by individuals on the autistic spectrum, are by far the most helpful to me. They explain candidly about what it is like to be autistic. Odd Girl Out is one of those books. But never before have I read a book that is so raw, that has been stripped to the absolute bones so that all emotions are exposed, and all with the intention of helping indivials who are on the spectrum, and in particular, women. I felt that I was hugely privileged to be allowed into Laura's world, to read her innermost thoughts and to share her experience in the world as an autistic woman. In doing so I felt like I learned so much more about my son's condition and that now, some of his behaviours make more sense to me. I feel that it is very hard for a neurotypical person to fully understand what autism is, in fact scrub that, I will never understand what it is like to be autistic, but by reading such book's as this, I now have more underrating.
This book is also such a breath of fresh air. I am sick to the back teeth of reading about 'cures' and how we need to find a 'cure' for autism. I agree wholeheartedly with Laura when she says that we need to put more resources in place, to have early intervention and help available to parents, rather than ploughing money into researching a cure. Autism is simply different, not less, once again I agree with Laura when she says that autistic brains are wired differently. Just as I find it difficult sometimes to understand my son, he too in turn, most probably finds it difficult to understand me.
Books such as Odd Girl Out are vital. We need voices from the autistic community. This is a fascinating read that features Laura's opinions as well as voices from leading autism professionals such as Tony Attwood, Sara Wild (head teacher at Limpsfield Grange, a school for girls on the autistic spectrum) and Dr Judith Gould, a Consultant Clinical Psychologist. and the Lead Consultant at the Lorna Wing Centre for Autism. All of these factors make for an incredibly informative book, but one that I also read as a story. By the time I had finished the book, I felt terribly sad. I wanted to carry on reading, to learn more about Laura's life. It felt like she had become a close friend, I knew her that well.
I would like to thank Laura for writing such a powerful and emotive book. It brought a lump to my throat while reading it because of her sheer honesty. She definitely pulls no punches and I liked this. Laura James will help so many autistic individuals and their families by sharing her personal story, and in particular she will help so many women, who for too long have been misunderstood and misdiagnosed.
This book really is a must read... for everyone.
With thanks to Bluebird Books for Life who sent me a hardback copy for review purposes.
November 4, 2017
I love this book for its gritty realistic description of the obsessive, disorganised and chaotic daily life a lot of us with Autism live with.
I could have done with a little less Tony Attwood said x,y or z and a little more from actual autistic women on the reality of how horribly hard it is to find Services or professionals who's focus or research is on Autistic Adult Females rather us being an after thought.
However this book also made me realise something. I feel as marginalised & ignored by the autistic community as I do by the neurotypical community. I've tried contacting the clinic Tony Attwood runs asking where to find help & support for single autistic females trying to live independently and got no response. I contacted Autism Queensland and got told there are no services available for people like me. I want online and found stuff for girls 6-13, Autistic mum's, parents of autistic kids and so on but nada zip zero zilch for single autistic adult females. So where do the 14 & up females go to ask about dating, sex, periods, Oh shit I might be pregnant, dealing with housemates, buying a car, avoiding abusive or toxic relationships, what exactly does HR mean by other admin duties, finding a bra you don't hate, where can I find Autistic friendly corporate clothing for women and all that other shit call real life
I could have done with a little less Tony Attwood said x,y or z and a little more from actual autistic women on the reality of how horribly hard it is to find Services or professionals who's focus or research is on Autistic Adult Females rather us being an after thought.
However this book also made me realise something. I feel as marginalised & ignored by the autistic community as I do by the neurotypical community. I've tried contacting the clinic Tony Attwood runs asking where to find help & support for single autistic females trying to live independently and got no response. I contacted Autism Queensland and got told there are no services available for people like me. I want online and found stuff for girls 6-13, Autistic mum's, parents of autistic kids and so on but nada zip zero zilch for single autistic adult females. So where do the 14 & up females go to ask about dating, sex, periods, Oh shit I might be pregnant, dealing with housemates, buying a car, avoiding abusive or toxic relationships, what exactly does HR mean by other admin duties, finding a bra you don't hate, where can I find Autistic friendly corporate clothing for women and all that other shit call real life
January 20, 2019
This is a tricky book to review as the author really poured her heart out when writing it - it feels almost personal to criticise it. Also, it's about her experience of being a woman with autism, and I'm aware that her autism may be the reason some elements of the book didn't "work" for me (for ex., I think her style would have been better suited to presenting this information in a blog or article format, I don't think she managed to connect the different strands that well). I did learn some things about autism from it - notably about sensory overload and executive function issues (it's a topic I'm already interested in though so someone newer to it would no doubt learn more). The format of the book wasn't what I was hoping for - instead of being a straightforward birth-now memoir it is more of an account of the author recieving her diagnosis and reacting to that, with a lot about empty nest syndrome and the issues her marriage faces (some of which was a bit uncomfortable to read about as she went into detail about her husband's own MH issues - was that her place to share? I guess he agreed to it, but still, that wasn't why I picked up the book!). I was most interested in hearing about her childhood, teen years and how she coped with the early years of motherhood, but there wasn't much about those (especially motherhood, though this could have been to respect her children's privacy) at all. Finally, Laura James seems to be quite a privileged woman in many ways, yet she doesn't acknowledge at any point how these privileges have shaped her experience of being a person with autism in a neurotypical world (again this could be part of her autusm, so I feel a bit bad for complaining about it...)- the biggest case in point where she talks about how her autism makes it hard for her to budget so she and her husband draw up a meal plan and he pops out to Waitrose... (for those not in the UK, Waitrose is not the supermarket you associate with anyone on a budget!).
July 21, 2022
Nossa que dificil terminar essa leitura. Quase desisti varias vezes. Tem varios insights interessantes sobre autismo, particularmente mulheres com autismo, mas achei bem cansativo de ler. Pra mim pareceu um memoir meio sem estrutura, meio bagunçado.
October 3, 2017
I don't have autism (or at least I don't think I do), but I do have people in my life who have Asperger's (aka high-functioning autism).
My friends and family with Asperger's are wonderful, intelligent, often successful at work and sometimes have lifelong partners, but most people, including me, simply do not comprehend some of their behaviours or challenges. And in many cases, I don't think they even do!
This personal account resonates so much. I kept finding myself thinking, 'Oh yes, that's just what XXXX does', and then Laura often goes on to explain the WHY behind the behaviour.
So it's not just a personal account. It's also informative, helpful and, yes, the cliched inspirational. The inspiration comes from the fact that Laura learns to accept and deal with the diagnosis, and that both she and those in her life learn that just because people with Asperger's do things differently, that doesn't mean it's wrong. In fact, it can be often enlighteningly right.
This has certainly helped me gain perspective on my friends and family with Asperger's, but I also feel that it would help women who may not have Asperger's, but who have always felt slightly on the fringes of life, not quite sure why they don't fit in. So in that regard, it's not just about Asperger's so much as society's need to crowbar women into preconceived ideas of how women should act.
Thank you so much for writing this, Laura!
My friends and family with Asperger's are wonderful, intelligent, often successful at work and sometimes have lifelong partners, but most people, including me, simply do not comprehend some of their behaviours or challenges. And in many cases, I don't think they even do!
This personal account resonates so much. I kept finding myself thinking, 'Oh yes, that's just what XXXX does', and then Laura often goes on to explain the WHY behind the behaviour.
So it's not just a personal account. It's also informative, helpful and, yes, the cliched inspirational. The inspiration comes from the fact that Laura learns to accept and deal with the diagnosis, and that both she and those in her life learn that just because people with Asperger's do things differently, that doesn't mean it's wrong. In fact, it can be often enlighteningly right.
This has certainly helped me gain perspective on my friends and family with Asperger's, but I also feel that it would help women who may not have Asperger's, but who have always felt slightly on the fringes of life, not quite sure why they don't fit in. So in that regard, it's not just about Asperger's so much as society's need to crowbar women into preconceived ideas of how women should act.
Thank you so much for writing this, Laura!
April 9, 2024
Original Review (March 2018):
This is an autism memoir, of a woman with autism. Laura is married and has four children, she gets diagnosed later in life (when her children are teenagers-ish). I quite liked reading this book. I recognised quite a few things (even if some might work a bit differently for me). I of course didn't recognise the motherhood parts, I have no children and I have no intention of ever having any (though I do have animals). I also didn't recognise the parts to do with EDS and POTS, as I don't think I have these.
I liked that Laura spoke with some experts and quoted them in the book. The story spans a period of Laura's life but sometimes goes back in time and describes an earlier time period. A couple of times I was a bit confused but mostly this format worked for me and it was nice to find out things about Laura in this way.
One small thing I missed, was that nowhere in the text it was mentioned when Laura decided to write the book / memoir. Unless I missed it, of course! (Which is totally possible, concentrating is hard for me and sometimes I do miss things). It's not a big thing or anything, but I was expecting for it to come up some time in the text and it didn't.
Overall I enjoyed learning about Laura and her life and I enjoyed recognising some things from my own life. I am amazed at how Laura managed to deal with all the things she did. I enjoyed this memoir and found it a nice read.
This is an autism memoir, of a woman with autism. Laura is married and has four children, she gets diagnosed later in life (when her children are teenagers-ish). I quite liked reading this book. I recognised quite a few things (even if some might work a bit differently for me). I of course didn't recognise the motherhood parts, I have no children and I have no intention of ever having any (though I do have animals). I also didn't recognise the parts to do with EDS and POTS, as I don't think I have these.
I liked that Laura spoke with some experts and quoted them in the book. The story spans a period of Laura's life but sometimes goes back in time and describes an earlier time period. A couple of times I was a bit confused but mostly this format worked for me and it was nice to find out things about Laura in this way.
One small thing I missed, was that nowhere in the text it was mentioned when Laura decided to write the book / memoir. Unless I missed it, of course! (Which is totally possible, concentrating is hard for me and sometimes I do miss things). It's not a big thing or anything, but I was expecting for it to come up some time in the text and it didn't.
Overall I enjoyed learning about Laura and her life and I enjoyed recognising some things from my own life. I am amazed at how Laura managed to deal with all the things she did. I enjoyed this memoir and found it a nice read.
October 20, 2018
An interesting first hand account of the autism spectrum written from the point of view of one living with the condition herself. We don't see too many reports from the female side so this was a great read.
December 21, 2022
whenever i read a memoir i try to not judge the author as if i would if i knew them irl or think if i like them as a person or not - but in this case i kinda couldnt help but notice something that made me dislike the author a bit. i was very surprised to find out like 1/3 into the book that she had two daughters before her two sons, and thats because from the start she only described her children by describing her sons - and throughout the whole book it seemed like she only really treated them as her kids. even the whole emotional turmoil she went through when they went to uni - i get that they were here youngest kids but still it sounded like she completely ignored her daughters. like her sons get these big descriptions of them but the daughters are barely mentioned, a complete afterthought. idk as a daughter "from first marriage" it lowkey gave me the ick. also sorry but if i were her daughters i would be salty as fuck if i knew that my mom had an affair a month after giving birth to me cmon
but well aside from that the book was just okay i guess? they were some nice insights about nd women and some relatable descriptions, but its definitely more a memoir than book on autism - not really what i was looking for this time around
but well aside from that the book was just okay i guess? they were some nice insights about nd women and some relatable descriptions, but its definitely more a memoir than book on autism - not really what i was looking for this time around
August 20, 2021
I'm not sure I've ever read a non-fiction book which focuses on living on the autistic spectrum, and if so I've definitely never read one from a woman's perspective. I am keen to read more from authors who are neurodivergent to gain a better understanding of what this is like. Though this book does offer an insight, it does not delve as deep as I'd hoped. I would've enjoyed a linear narrative of James' life and a discussion of how autism has shaped itself in various stages. Instead the insights we got tended to be repetitive, and the non-linear narrative sometimes confused me. In spite of that, I did learn a lot from this book. I was particularly surprised that James wasn't given diagnosis until her mid-40's, in spite of the potentially tell-tale signs she discussed leading up to this. I've definitely developed a new intrigue into why women's issues struggle to be vocalised in this area.
April 7, 2023
I went into reading this in the hopes that it would enlighten the key struggles that women regularly face in an allistic world but nope. Despite there being a small handful of related issues and feelings, I felt like this book was loaded with self-pity, and her narrative regarding her husband seemed rather passive aggressive, and severely highlighted him as an arsehole. Yet she dedicated the book to him�..
the writing was choppy, jumpy and the back and forth between present and past, and jumping from one subject to another within chapters/paragraphs was annoying.
the writing was choppy, jumpy and the back and forth between present and past, and jumping from one subject to another within chapters/paragraphs was annoying.
March 24, 2020
Odd Girl Out charts Laura’s life pre- & post-diagnosis: diary entries transport the reader through her early life and memories, intermingled with navigating her life as “newly� autistic accompanied by wise words from Steve Silberman, Sarah Wild (Head of Limpsfield Grange school for girls) and more. �
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So much of my experiences mirror Laura’s: the unknowable emotions, the frustration of others at your disconnect between capability and intelligence, the growing knowledge of burning out from trying to be neurotypical.�
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Alongside repositioning her experiences as autistic, Laura revisits her past as a child adopted at a young age, and looks for her birth mother, while also dealing with her children leaving home and going to university.� It also explores her difficulties with coping with the news cycle, particularly Brexit and several recent elections in the UK -- very relevant to many autistics struggling with the covid19 news and uncertainties right now.�
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I truly recommend this book to any autistic, especially those late-diagnosed, and to partners of autistics � I’m planning to pass this to my own Tim to read about Laura and her Tim’s experiences in navigating a life together.�
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I am extremely lucky that Laura is writing for Stim and that we shared a phone call last year where gushed about all our similarities. Really, do yourselves a favour and read this tremendous, insightful book.�
�
So much of my experiences mirror Laura’s: the unknowable emotions, the frustration of others at your disconnect between capability and intelligence, the growing knowledge of burning out from trying to be neurotypical.�
�
Alongside repositioning her experiences as autistic, Laura revisits her past as a child adopted at a young age, and looks for her birth mother, while also dealing with her children leaving home and going to university.� It also explores her difficulties with coping with the news cycle, particularly Brexit and several recent elections in the UK -- very relevant to many autistics struggling with the covid19 news and uncertainties right now.�
�
I truly recommend this book to any autistic, especially those late-diagnosed, and to partners of autistics � I’m planning to pass this to my own Tim to read about Laura and her Tim’s experiences in navigating a life together.�
�
I am extremely lucky that Laura is writing for Stim and that we shared a phone call last year where gushed about all our similarities. Really, do yourselves a favour and read this tremendous, insightful book.�
August 19, 2021
I regret not writing a review for this book immediately after I read it, because I cannnot remember like 99% of this book...
But I remember thinking it was okay and it dragged a bit sometimes. I'm not gonna change the rating that I gave to this book tho, just because I don't remember it, because I feel like that would be mean.
But I remember thinking it was okay and it dragged a bit sometimes. I'm not gonna change the rating that I gave to this book tho, just because I don't remember it, because I feel like that would be mean.
February 8, 2024
I didn’t enjoy the style of writing. Did not like how her daughters were barely mentioned. Like they did not exist or matter.
April 28, 2018
My funny, beautiful, smart, beguiling granddaughter lives on the Autism Spectrum, and while her parents have chosen to be very open with her about it, at only 8 years old she lacks the personal introspection and awareness to be able to fully articulate when her responses to the world are driven by her ASD challenges. We're pretty good at figuring it out most of the time, but we have all surely thought at one time or another, "What are you thinking? Why did this set you off?"
Because Laura James was diagnosed with ASD as an adult, she’d had a lifetime of wondering those things about herself, so when she offers us an unflinching look at life through her own windows, she shed great light on some of the mysteries we encounter regularly with our granddaughter.
Reading the passage below, which comes very early on in James� memoir, I felt as though I might be reading my granddaughter’s thoughts, because this is so much like her:
I thought of the feeling I sometimes get in my legs from a very mild case of what I presume to be restless leg syndrome. I can be sitting quietly and be suddenly overtaken by a gentle sort of undulating feeling in my legs, accompanied by the growing sense that if I don’t get up and move right away my leg might just explode. I had never connected this feeling to the physical/visual/auditory responses my granddaughter must deal with constantly, but now that I have it feels like someone has just handed me a wonderful new tool to help me understand this person I love so very fiercely. Will this make a difference in how I respond to her when I think she’s just being “antsy?� You’d better believe it.
Further, when James describes her rich inner life, I gleaned a sense of comfort from imagining that my granddaughter’s might have some striking similarities.
I highlighted dozens and dozens of passages reading this book because they either gave me some insight into my granddaughter’s way of experiencing the world, or because they sent up caution flags that might be helpful to address as she moves into her teens, or, most happily, because it is wonderful to know that, while James� has struggled mightily with many challenges, she has a full life, complete with her own family.
James relates her experiences with marital strain and mental health crises with great honesty, and in such a way as to be useful for readers who may themselves be on the spectrum.
For the rest of us, Odd Girl Out is a fascinating and educational read.
Because Laura James was diagnosed with ASD as an adult, she’d had a lifetime of wondering those things about herself, so when she offers us an unflinching look at life through her own windows, she shed great light on some of the mysteries we encounter regularly with our granddaughter.
Reading the passage below, which comes very early on in James� memoir, I felt as though I might be reading my granddaughter’s thoughts, because this is so much like her:
I need words. If I’m not reading words, listening to them, or saying them out loud I feel jittery. Not anxious, more of a kind of scared. A sense of unease, as if something is going to happen. Like the rumble on a track that speaks of a train about to whiz by.
I thought of the feeling I sometimes get in my legs from a very mild case of what I presume to be restless leg syndrome. I can be sitting quietly and be suddenly overtaken by a gentle sort of undulating feeling in my legs, accompanied by the growing sense that if I don’t get up and move right away my leg might just explode. I had never connected this feeling to the physical/visual/auditory responses my granddaughter must deal with constantly, but now that I have it feels like someone has just handed me a wonderful new tool to help me understand this person I love so very fiercely. Will this make a difference in how I respond to her when I think she’s just being “antsy?� You’d better believe it.
Further, when James describes her rich inner life, I gleaned a sense of comfort from imagining that my granddaughter’s might have some striking similarities.
....I would create imaginary worlds in my head and would sit still for hours coming up with the rules for this parallel universe. In this new world in my head�.Mealtimes were optional...At school, you could choose what to do...Every day the library was stocked with new books. No one shouted or raised their voices. If you ever broke a rule, a proper grown-up explained why it was a rule and why it mattered, and then you were simply told - kindly - not to do it again.
I highlighted dozens and dozens of passages reading this book because they either gave me some insight into my granddaughter’s way of experiencing the world, or because they sent up caution flags that might be helpful to address as she moves into her teens, or, most happily, because it is wonderful to know that, while James� has struggled mightily with many challenges, she has a full life, complete with her own family.
James relates her experiences with marital strain and mental health crises with great honesty, and in such a way as to be useful for readers who may themselves be on the spectrum.
For the rest of us, Odd Girl Out is a fascinating and educational read.
February 11, 2018
I picked up ‘Odd Girl Out� from a library display of new acquisitions, as had intrigued me. Laura James� memoir focuses on 2015 and 2016, just after she was diagnosed as autistic, with interludes recalling the past. She is a really engaging and thoughtful writer, conveying with humour and pathos her difficulties dealing with the world. I read the whole thing in one sitting and found it involving and thought-provoking. In fact, I was vaguely unsettled to find how much I related to James, particularly her problems with food, reaction to Brexit, and obsession with reading. (Perhaps fittingly, I read ‘Odd Girl Out� on a day when I didn’t feel like going outside so read library books on the sofa for 12 hours.) This is a really great memoir, as she shares her experiences while placing them in a wider context to promote better understanding of autism in women. My only real complaint concerns the title, another example of the ‘girl� trend. I find it annoyingly infantilising how often adult women are referred to as ‘girl� in book titles at the moment. Why? Does girl scan better or something?
December 6, 2017
For my full review:
Laura James was an ordinary woman - married, four children, successful career. But then she was diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome.Odd Girl Out is in parts memoir as she looks back on her life and re-examines how her long unnoticed autism has stalked her along the way, but the book is also an attempt to understand better what it means to be on the autistic spectrum. Female memoirs have become increasingly common in recent years but James engages with her subject with a great deal of intelligence and with a clear desire to look not for sympathy but for solutions, not for a cure but for improved consideration. No matter one's relationship to autism, whether or not one is within the spectrum, James' perspective is an interesting one and well worth the heeding.
Laura James was an ordinary woman - married, four children, successful career. But then she was diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome.Odd Girl Out is in parts memoir as she looks back on her life and re-examines how her long unnoticed autism has stalked her along the way, but the book is also an attempt to understand better what it means to be on the autistic spectrum. Female memoirs have become increasingly common in recent years but James engages with her subject with a great deal of intelligence and with a clear desire to look not for sympathy but for solutions, not for a cure but for improved consideration. No matter one's relationship to autism, whether or not one is within the spectrum, James' perspective is an interesting one and well worth the heeding.
February 20, 2021
I’m in my twenties and I’ve just found out I have autism, after being (unknowingly) misdiagnosed for years. A pal recommended this book to me and honestly, I felt like Laura was in my head.
Reading Laura’s experiences was so interesting, not only because she articulated them so well (in ways I haven’t been able to yet) but because I finally felt like “there are people who understand me!� Of course, all of our experiences are slightly different but to see similarities was quite an emotional and exciting thing.
If you’re an autistic woman, or know someone who is, this book is a wonderful insight into what the autistic brain. As I said, not everyone has the same experiences, but to know that other people see some things the same way I do was so refreshing to read when autism is usually presented through boys and men.
Reading Laura’s experiences was so interesting, not only because she articulated them so well (in ways I haven’t been able to yet) but because I finally felt like “there are people who understand me!� Of course, all of our experiences are slightly different but to see similarities was quite an emotional and exciting thing.
If you’re an autistic woman, or know someone who is, this book is a wonderful insight into what the autistic brain. As I said, not everyone has the same experiences, but to know that other people see some things the same way I do was so refreshing to read when autism is usually presented through boys and men.
December 10, 2024
Odd Girl Out chronicles Laura’s journey pre and post autism diagnosis. I think this would really resonate with autistic women diagnosed or realising later in life, especially mum’s, as it covers a lot about her marriage and experiences of motherhood.
September 10, 2021
The story of a life experience that should be valued for its uniqueness like any other.
Undoubtedly identified with some aspects and listening with empathy, the rest.
Undoubtedly identified with some aspects and listening with empathy, the rest.
September 4, 2024
Sentirse comprendida y menos sola� qué suerte tenemos de tener libros como éste.
January 31, 2018
After wondering all her life why she seemed different from other people, in her mid-forties Laura James was diagnosed with both Ehlers-Danlos and Asperger’s (and I suspect she may have synesthesia, too, although she doesn’t say so). Over the course of a year, she learns all she can about these disorders, and things start making sense to her- and to her husband. It’s not that she’s been a failure- she was highly successful, with four children and a career as a journalist. But there had always been situations that caused extreme discomfort, sometimes even leading to a meltdown. Crowds, uncomfortable clothing, sensory overload- even some colors- are all things she tries to avoid.
Highly intelligent, she and her second husband created a life that allowed her to succeed and still be protected from things that stressed her. Getting her diagnosis explained so much about her, but she’d already gone a long way towards accommodating her problem. The diagnosis meant she could find out how other people dealt with having autism and allowed her to be in contact with people who faced the same problems.
The book follows her over a little over a year’s time, with sections of current time alternating with her past. It’s a really interesting read, but I could never quite get invested in her story. There is a dryness to her prose that seemed somehow stand-offish, even though she talks about some really painful events. Perhaps part of being autistic, perhaps part of being a journalist, used to presenting facts. A four star read; I recommend it to anyone with a person with autism in their circle, because it might really help them to understand that person.
Highly intelligent, she and her second husband created a life that allowed her to succeed and still be protected from things that stressed her. Getting her diagnosis explained so much about her, but she’d already gone a long way towards accommodating her problem. The diagnosis meant she could find out how other people dealt with having autism and allowed her to be in contact with people who faced the same problems.
The book follows her over a little over a year’s time, with sections of current time alternating with her past. It’s a really interesting read, but I could never quite get invested in her story. There is a dryness to her prose that seemed somehow stand-offish, even though she talks about some really painful events. Perhaps part of being autistic, perhaps part of being a journalist, used to presenting facts. A four star read; I recommend it to anyone with a person with autism in their circle, because it might really help them to understand that person.
September 5, 2022
I originally wanted to give this book 5 stars because when I was first reading it I felt so understood. Laura could’ve been writing about me, her childhood experiences and anxiety towards life is something I’ve never heard anyone else express and it is exactly how I have always felt.
However towards the end of the book for some reason I found it quite uncomfortable to read. I think this is where she started discussing her mental blocks to logical thinking which was making her anxieties spiral out of control. But it prompted me to have intrusive anxious thoughts of my own that I sometimes struggle with. However her tactics to better understand herself and create an environment in which her autism can be comfortable rather than the other way around is a beautiful way to look at the way the world should see neuro-divergent people. The ending was well rounded and gave a beacon of hope.
However towards the end of the book for some reason I found it quite uncomfortable to read. I think this is where she started discussing her mental blocks to logical thinking which was making her anxieties spiral out of control. But it prompted me to have intrusive anxious thoughts of my own that I sometimes struggle with. However her tactics to better understand herself and create an environment in which her autism can be comfortable rather than the other way around is a beautiful way to look at the way the world should see neuro-divergent people. The ending was well rounded and gave a beacon of hope.
April 2, 2018
Rounding up. I don't feel like the sections about politics really added anything to the book.
April 28, 2023
This book definitely has a distinct storytelling narrative style. It was quite interesting to learn about Laura who has had a fairly interesting life even if there was not an autism diagnosis involved. Reading this was very much a walk a mile in their shoes experience as opposed to feeling educated specifically about autism. I think this might be a good read for those who have been diagnosed/self diagnosed as adults, specifically woman or for someone who believes they may need to seek a diagnosis as an adult.
March 20, 2018
What a read. In her memoirs, Odd Girl Out, Laura James tells of her life growing up and living as an autistic person, and of finally getting a diagnosis at 40-something and dealing with it.
As a teacher, I had some training on learning needs, part of it was on how to help children on the autistic spectrum cope with learning in the classroom. Although I understood what I had to do, I never really connected with the ordeal autistic children have to go through at school as I simply didn't understand it - I say children here as this was my line of work, but autistic adults can also struggle with society as it is. Laura James makes you feel it and live it as if you were in her shoes. And, oh my word, how overwhelming it all is. Parts of the books had me in tears I was so emotionally invested in in. I felt like reaching out to Laura and tell her I heard her. I finally understood.
Laura, what an amazing book you've written. Mental hug to you!
Disclaimer - I was contacted by the publisher for a review. Thank you for the copy of the book.
As a teacher, I had some training on learning needs, part of it was on how to help children on the autistic spectrum cope with learning in the classroom. Although I understood what I had to do, I never really connected with the ordeal autistic children have to go through at school as I simply didn't understand it - I say children here as this was my line of work, but autistic adults can also struggle with society as it is. Laura James makes you feel it and live it as if you were in her shoes. And, oh my word, how overwhelming it all is. Parts of the books had me in tears I was so emotionally invested in in. I felt like reaching out to Laura and tell her I heard her. I finally understood.
Laura, what an amazing book you've written. Mental hug to you!
Disclaimer - I was contacted by the publisher for a review. Thank you for the copy of the book.
September 10, 2018
3.5 stars.
May 1, 2023
As the mother of an adult daughter on the spectrum, I was drawn to this memoir as a way to better understand some of the ASD struggles my daughter encounters. I recognized her so much in this book. Obviously not everything - as the old saying goes, 'if you've met one person with autism, then you've met one person with autism'. It's not like people on the spectrum are identical but there are commonalities, of course. The sensory/interoception issues are a big one for my daughter and a big one for this author.
The parts of the memoir that focus more on the author's job and on the author's obsession with Brexit were rather dull for me. I she'd written more about parenting and how her autism impacted those relationships. On the whole though, a solid memoir that read very easily.
I highlighted about a bazillion parts on my Kindle:
The good feelings can be as overwhelming as the bad. They are just as big.
I can't name my feelings. I don't recognize them. Don't know what they look like. I know all the words that describe them, of course.
No one uses the word neutral when it comes to emotions, but that's how I want to live. I want to experience life in neutral. Not feeling anything much. For me, the absence of sensation is better than experiencing anything too jarring, too unexpected, too new. I want to move through life with no sudden movements. Sameness is my anchor. I want each day to unfold quietly and predictably.
All I want to do is quash the fear that envelops me and takes over my mind at times. If I can just achieve neutral more often and learn to do the things that come easily to others, then I think I may finally be content.
The world is an alien place to me. One full of dangers. I need to make sure they don't catch me out. I am aware of my fragility. Does everyone feel this? I'm not sure. If they do, how do they live with those feelings? I need something to distract me.
I try hard to observe others, to notice how they behave. If I don't do this, most people-even those to whom I am closest-can become blurred outlines in my head. And when I am not with someone, I struggle to form a mental picture of them-even Tim or the children. If I don't focus on people, they fall into the background of my world.
My experience of the world is at odds with how most other people see it. As Morticia Addams once said, "What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."
"I don't know which bits of my personality are down to the autism and which bits are inherently me." "Why does it matter?" "I don't know," | reply. "But for some reason it really does."
I reel off facts. "Did you know 87 percent of people with an autism diagnosis are unemployed? Or that 42 percent of autistic women have been misdiagnosed. Can you believe that the vast majority of research has only looked at boys?
This is a classic autistic info dump. I have all these thoughts in my head and I have to get them out. Even if my listeners are so bored they are contemplating throwing themselves off a cliff to get away from my incessant chatter. I simply cannot stop.
I want to ask whether he would be OK living with the kind of fear I feel much of the time. I want to know how he would feel if he were incapable of feeding himself three meals a day. I want to know how he would cope with not knowing what emotion he was experiencing. I want to know what it would be like if it took him hours to psyche himself up to do something as simple as run a bath. How he would cope when inertia sets in and whole days can be lost sitting on the sofa trying -and failing-to make a slice of toast with butter.
I live with an all-pervading fear of the future. Of what the next five minutes hold. The next five hours, five days, five years.
I'm not afraid of flying in the usual sense. I don't fear a crash. I don't worry the plane will burst into flames or disappear from the radar never to be seen again. I'm afraid of myself. Feeling different is so intense that I worry what it might do to me.
Temple Grandin wrote "Fear is the main emotion in autism." That is certainly true for me. Everything new | encounter-even if it is simply the beginning of another week- is seen through the prism of fear.
I enjoy reading a book much more the second time around. A first read can be filled with apprehension. What if I don't like the way the story goes? A second read is a joy. I know exactly what is going to happen, so I can immerse myself in the words and the subtleties in a way that would have been too stressful the first time.
Childhood is often a hugely difficult time for autistic people. The rules can be confusing and make little sense.
In terms of how autistic girls react, I think one of the common ways is to observe, analyze, and imitate and create a mask, which delays diagnosis for decades until the wheels fall off. The girl will say, I don't get it. I don't understand it, but I will observe it. I will look for patterns....This often means that a teacher, for example, doesn't see the problem because often the girl is a goody-two-shoes at school. Still, she may escape into her imagination, so she is diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder.
It's often more of an issue in the secondary school years, when socializing is more complicated.Girls can be more bitchy and mean, and Aspie girls don't play that game. They are loyal, trustworthy, and kind. They just don't do bitchiness, and they find it very hard to understand why girls would actually enjoy being so cruel to each other and so destructive. The other thing is girls are often expected to be touchy-feely, affectionate, very much engaged in talking about feelings and things like that.So there is a higher expectation of social engagement and empathy. These expectations can be difficult for girls with ASD.
I would create imaginary worlds in my head and would sit still for hours coming up with the rules for this parallel universe. In this new world in my head, mealtimes were optional. Everyone would wear the same clothes every day, and they would be made from soft fabric that felt good against the skin, not itchy, scratchy, or harsh. No one shouted or raised their voices. If you ever broke a rule, a grownup explained why it was a rule and why it mattered, and then you were simply told kindly not to do it again.
My life is full of paper that seems to multiply on a daily basis. I cannot tame the flow. I don't know how to keep on top of it. Am I supposed to keep my electricity bills, and if I am, for how long? Is it really necessary to keep paid parking fines from 1996?
I didn't enjoy playtime because I didn't know what to do.
As a child I would see everything. If I looked at a lawn, it was as if I could see every blade of grass. It was too much. Too overwhelming. I learned to blur my eyes, so everything became softer. So I didn't have to process so much information.
I like food you can crunch. Like potato chips and carrots and french fries. Soft food tastes so horrible it actually makes me feel sick.
I hate uncertainty of any kind. I like to know exactly what is going on in my world and what will happen next.
Mostly I want to do nothing, to make no decisions, to just sit here.
If a place was in some way making me feel bad, I wouldn't say anything. I would find a reason to leave, or I would suffer in silence.The consequence would be that the experience, whatever it was, would be diminished. I wouldn't be able to concentrate, only able to think about getting out as quickly as possible.
I want to learn how to do all the normal things people do, like manage their money, remember to eat, have friends, be organized. I want to know what | like and what I don't. I want to stop being so confused by the world. I want it all to be easier."
I'm struck by the sheer number of feelings shown. I just don't feel any of them. Apart from fear. What does responsive feel like? Valued? Or insignificant?
Tony Attwood believes autism and a degree of anxiety are, sadly, common bedfellows. "I'm trying to seriously think if I've met someone with Asperger's for whom anxiety was not an issue," he tells me."It's hard to find one. He believes anxiety in those with autism may also be influenced by an altered interpretation of physical sensations.There is a strong association between autism and anxiety. It particularly seems to be physical anxiety. Some of that may be to do with awareness of internal bodily sensations and bodily focus. It's called interoception. There is a mismatch between the subjective experience of their own internal bodily sensations and how accurate they are at interpreting them.
I was always on the edge, always getting it slightly wrong, never quite feeling part of things. I was on the outside looking in on these female friendship groups. I didn't have that one special friend the others seemed to. I drifted in and out. I wasn't hated, but I wasn't loved.
I don't cope well with the emotions of others. I would like to live in a world where we all went along on a straight emotional line, never feeling anything too strongly. I don't do drama. I can't have a screaming row. It feels wrong and destabilizing. I can't even defend myself if I am wrongly accused. I will do anything to keep things quiet and stable.
My therapist asked me questions about food. She said I have "issues" with it. I told her I didn't, I just liked the food I liked and didn't like the rest.
When I am anxious, I cannot eat. It is as if my throat constricts and I cannot easily swallow.
"What do you feel if I surprise you with a new gray sweater?
And God help me if it's not gray."
"It makes me feel overwhelmed," | say. "I think it's because I haven't had time to accommodate the idea of this particular sweater into my life. It's different when I buy it myself because in the shop, I will have considered how it will with my other gray sweaters."
I am a prisoner to my routines. Why can't I be like normal people and go to the coffee shop at different times? It has to be this way, otherwise I cannot get on with the rest of my day.
It takes a while to accommodate anything new into my life, and it's better if it slowly finds its way in.
When something new happens, it knocks me off balance.
I can accept change when it happens incrementally. In baby steps. I can accommodate new situations if they change bit by bit.
I list the things most people don't even have to think of. I schedule baths, food, and breaks to go out-side. I write down calls I would like to make or messages I would like to send. I limit my time online and mainly look at things that are nurturing.
(Interviewing a successful autistic woman)She told me about the multiple systems she has in place, because she knows that if she doesn't write things down, she will forget. She has a diary, a weekly planner, and an online calendar. She explained how to delegate to the future. She told me, "I sit down and think, Does this actually need to be done this week? If the answer is no, the act of writing it somewhere else-a week or a month ahead -gets rid of it so it is gone and it doesn't bother me anymore."
One area where I need help is with executive function, which in me is sorely lacking. I find it difficult to structure my day and impossible to plan tasks or to estimate how long something will take to finish. I find it difficult to organize myself.
one of the reasons I struggle so hard to deal with change that happens or to bring about change is because I lack the ability to imagine what life would be like if it were different.
One of the gifts of being on the spectrum is that the connections you can make are totally different. When you look at it from this perspective, you can start seeing autism as an advantage, because we need people to think differently; otherwise we'll never make any evolutionary leaps. Sometimes people on the spectrum can think so far outside the box that it's really important.
I briefly had a best friend, Helen, it didn't work out. She was too needy for me. I felt subsumed by her, drowned out and confused by the intensity of what she wanted from me. I needed much more alone time than is usual for a teenage girl.
Where was the time for me to daydream, to think, to read, and to be alone? When could I just be me? I like set routines, but I need to be in control of them.
Autistic special interests are often also a net. Being able to escape into something we love protects us from the harsh and confusing outside world. In girls, these interests are often not that different from those of their peers.
I don't like books where people suffer in a realistic way, or where there are real-world problems that have no understandable solution. I need to know that all will work out OK in the end.
What I find in girls with autism-in comparison to boys - is that they are much more intelligent and creative in trying to resolve the challenges they face.
Girls can sometimes make friends but not keep them, because of the intensity problem: either she hardly ever contacts her friend or she sends her twenty texts a day, and when the friendship ends, she feels betrayed and can be very black and white in her thinking. The other side of the coin is when someone seems too intense to the girl with autism. This is why I see autism almost splitting into two groups. There's the extrovert intense, what I call the Italian drivers. They don't read the signals, and they get upset because it's not working. And there are the introverted, with-drawn, shy types. In other words, it's either the person choosing solitude and being alone, or being highly motivated to socialize, but very upset when it doesn't work.
Neurotypical people have to stop projecting their concepts of happiness are onto the autistic population because autistic happiness is not the same.
I am a cat, judging myself by dog behavior.
My autism means I struggle to imagine a future -any future-but what choice do I have? The future is going to happen one way or another. I can't live a Groundhog Day life. I must take courage and move on.
The parts of the memoir that focus more on the author's job and on the author's obsession with Brexit were rather dull for me. I she'd written more about parenting and how her autism impacted those relationships. On the whole though, a solid memoir that read very easily.
I highlighted about a bazillion parts on my Kindle:
The good feelings can be as overwhelming as the bad. They are just as big.
I can't name my feelings. I don't recognize them. Don't know what they look like. I know all the words that describe them, of course.
No one uses the word neutral when it comes to emotions, but that's how I want to live. I want to experience life in neutral. Not feeling anything much. For me, the absence of sensation is better than experiencing anything too jarring, too unexpected, too new. I want to move through life with no sudden movements. Sameness is my anchor. I want each day to unfold quietly and predictably.
All I want to do is quash the fear that envelops me and takes over my mind at times. If I can just achieve neutral more often and learn to do the things that come easily to others, then I think I may finally be content.
The world is an alien place to me. One full of dangers. I need to make sure they don't catch me out. I am aware of my fragility. Does everyone feel this? I'm not sure. If they do, how do they live with those feelings? I need something to distract me.
I try hard to observe others, to notice how they behave. If I don't do this, most people-even those to whom I am closest-can become blurred outlines in my head. And when I am not with someone, I struggle to form a mental picture of them-even Tim or the children. If I don't focus on people, they fall into the background of my world.
My experience of the world is at odds with how most other people see it. As Morticia Addams once said, "What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."
"I don't know which bits of my personality are down to the autism and which bits are inherently me." "Why does it matter?" "I don't know," | reply. "But for some reason it really does."
I reel off facts. "Did you know 87 percent of people with an autism diagnosis are unemployed? Or that 42 percent of autistic women have been misdiagnosed. Can you believe that the vast majority of research has only looked at boys?
This is a classic autistic info dump. I have all these thoughts in my head and I have to get them out. Even if my listeners are so bored they are contemplating throwing themselves off a cliff to get away from my incessant chatter. I simply cannot stop.
I want to ask whether he would be OK living with the kind of fear I feel much of the time. I want to know how he would feel if he were incapable of feeding himself three meals a day. I want to know how he would cope with not knowing what emotion he was experiencing. I want to know what it would be like if it took him hours to psyche himself up to do something as simple as run a bath. How he would cope when inertia sets in and whole days can be lost sitting on the sofa trying -and failing-to make a slice of toast with butter.
I live with an all-pervading fear of the future. Of what the next five minutes hold. The next five hours, five days, five years.
I'm not afraid of flying in the usual sense. I don't fear a crash. I don't worry the plane will burst into flames or disappear from the radar never to be seen again. I'm afraid of myself. Feeling different is so intense that I worry what it might do to me.
Temple Grandin wrote "Fear is the main emotion in autism." That is certainly true for me. Everything new | encounter-even if it is simply the beginning of another week- is seen through the prism of fear.
I enjoy reading a book much more the second time around. A first read can be filled with apprehension. What if I don't like the way the story goes? A second read is a joy. I know exactly what is going to happen, so I can immerse myself in the words and the subtleties in a way that would have been too stressful the first time.
Childhood is often a hugely difficult time for autistic people. The rules can be confusing and make little sense.
In terms of how autistic girls react, I think one of the common ways is to observe, analyze, and imitate and create a mask, which delays diagnosis for decades until the wheels fall off. The girl will say, I don't get it. I don't understand it, but I will observe it. I will look for patterns....This often means that a teacher, for example, doesn't see the problem because often the girl is a goody-two-shoes at school. Still, she may escape into her imagination, so she is diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder.
It's often more of an issue in the secondary school years, when socializing is more complicated.Girls can be more bitchy and mean, and Aspie girls don't play that game. They are loyal, trustworthy, and kind. They just don't do bitchiness, and they find it very hard to understand why girls would actually enjoy being so cruel to each other and so destructive. The other thing is girls are often expected to be touchy-feely, affectionate, very much engaged in talking about feelings and things like that.So there is a higher expectation of social engagement and empathy. These expectations can be difficult for girls with ASD.
I would create imaginary worlds in my head and would sit still for hours coming up with the rules for this parallel universe. In this new world in my head, mealtimes were optional. Everyone would wear the same clothes every day, and they would be made from soft fabric that felt good against the skin, not itchy, scratchy, or harsh. No one shouted or raised their voices. If you ever broke a rule, a grownup explained why it was a rule and why it mattered, and then you were simply told kindly not to do it again.
My life is full of paper that seems to multiply on a daily basis. I cannot tame the flow. I don't know how to keep on top of it. Am I supposed to keep my electricity bills, and if I am, for how long? Is it really necessary to keep paid parking fines from 1996?
I didn't enjoy playtime because I didn't know what to do.
As a child I would see everything. If I looked at a lawn, it was as if I could see every blade of grass. It was too much. Too overwhelming. I learned to blur my eyes, so everything became softer. So I didn't have to process so much information.
I like food you can crunch. Like potato chips and carrots and french fries. Soft food tastes so horrible it actually makes me feel sick.
I hate uncertainty of any kind. I like to know exactly what is going on in my world and what will happen next.
Mostly I want to do nothing, to make no decisions, to just sit here.
If a place was in some way making me feel bad, I wouldn't say anything. I would find a reason to leave, or I would suffer in silence.The consequence would be that the experience, whatever it was, would be diminished. I wouldn't be able to concentrate, only able to think about getting out as quickly as possible.
I want to learn how to do all the normal things people do, like manage their money, remember to eat, have friends, be organized. I want to know what | like and what I don't. I want to stop being so confused by the world. I want it all to be easier."
I'm struck by the sheer number of feelings shown. I just don't feel any of them. Apart from fear. What does responsive feel like? Valued? Or insignificant?
Tony Attwood believes autism and a degree of anxiety are, sadly, common bedfellows. "I'm trying to seriously think if I've met someone with Asperger's for whom anxiety was not an issue," he tells me."It's hard to find one. He believes anxiety in those with autism may also be influenced by an altered interpretation of physical sensations.There is a strong association between autism and anxiety. It particularly seems to be physical anxiety. Some of that may be to do with awareness of internal bodily sensations and bodily focus. It's called interoception. There is a mismatch between the subjective experience of their own internal bodily sensations and how accurate they are at interpreting them.
I was always on the edge, always getting it slightly wrong, never quite feeling part of things. I was on the outside looking in on these female friendship groups. I didn't have that one special friend the others seemed to. I drifted in and out. I wasn't hated, but I wasn't loved.
I don't cope well with the emotions of others. I would like to live in a world where we all went along on a straight emotional line, never feeling anything too strongly. I don't do drama. I can't have a screaming row. It feels wrong and destabilizing. I can't even defend myself if I am wrongly accused. I will do anything to keep things quiet and stable.
My therapist asked me questions about food. She said I have "issues" with it. I told her I didn't, I just liked the food I liked and didn't like the rest.
When I am anxious, I cannot eat. It is as if my throat constricts and I cannot easily swallow.
"What do you feel if I surprise you with a new gray sweater?
And God help me if it's not gray."
"It makes me feel overwhelmed," | say. "I think it's because I haven't had time to accommodate the idea of this particular sweater into my life. It's different when I buy it myself because in the shop, I will have considered how it will with my other gray sweaters."
I am a prisoner to my routines. Why can't I be like normal people and go to the coffee shop at different times? It has to be this way, otherwise I cannot get on with the rest of my day.
It takes a while to accommodate anything new into my life, and it's better if it slowly finds its way in.
When something new happens, it knocks me off balance.
I can accept change when it happens incrementally. In baby steps. I can accommodate new situations if they change bit by bit.
I list the things most people don't even have to think of. I schedule baths, food, and breaks to go out-side. I write down calls I would like to make or messages I would like to send. I limit my time online and mainly look at things that are nurturing.
(Interviewing a successful autistic woman)She told me about the multiple systems she has in place, because she knows that if she doesn't write things down, she will forget. She has a diary, a weekly planner, and an online calendar. She explained how to delegate to the future. She told me, "I sit down and think, Does this actually need to be done this week? If the answer is no, the act of writing it somewhere else-a week or a month ahead -gets rid of it so it is gone and it doesn't bother me anymore."
One area where I need help is with executive function, which in me is sorely lacking. I find it difficult to structure my day and impossible to plan tasks or to estimate how long something will take to finish. I find it difficult to organize myself.
one of the reasons I struggle so hard to deal with change that happens or to bring about change is because I lack the ability to imagine what life would be like if it were different.
One of the gifts of being on the spectrum is that the connections you can make are totally different. When you look at it from this perspective, you can start seeing autism as an advantage, because we need people to think differently; otherwise we'll never make any evolutionary leaps. Sometimes people on the spectrum can think so far outside the box that it's really important.
I briefly had a best friend, Helen, it didn't work out. She was too needy for me. I felt subsumed by her, drowned out and confused by the intensity of what she wanted from me. I needed much more alone time than is usual for a teenage girl.
Where was the time for me to daydream, to think, to read, and to be alone? When could I just be me? I like set routines, but I need to be in control of them.
Autistic special interests are often also a net. Being able to escape into something we love protects us from the harsh and confusing outside world. In girls, these interests are often not that different from those of their peers.
I don't like books where people suffer in a realistic way, or where there are real-world problems that have no understandable solution. I need to know that all will work out OK in the end.
What I find in girls with autism-in comparison to boys - is that they are much more intelligent and creative in trying to resolve the challenges they face.
Girls can sometimes make friends but not keep them, because of the intensity problem: either she hardly ever contacts her friend or she sends her twenty texts a day, and when the friendship ends, she feels betrayed and can be very black and white in her thinking. The other side of the coin is when someone seems too intense to the girl with autism. This is why I see autism almost splitting into two groups. There's the extrovert intense, what I call the Italian drivers. They don't read the signals, and they get upset because it's not working. And there are the introverted, with-drawn, shy types. In other words, it's either the person choosing solitude and being alone, or being highly motivated to socialize, but very upset when it doesn't work.
Neurotypical people have to stop projecting their concepts of happiness are onto the autistic population because autistic happiness is not the same.
I am a cat, judging myself by dog behavior.
My autism means I struggle to imagine a future -any future-but what choice do I have? The future is going to happen one way or another. I can't live a Groundhog Day life. I must take courage and move on.
December 11, 2022
This was quite an easy read about a complex subject. The book is written as a brilliant reflective piece on the author’s experience of finding out they are autistic with very personal thoughts and memories being shared with the reader to help them see how things just “clicked� after being diagnosed.
I think this book could be quite validating to autistic adults (especially women) who have been diagnosed later in life and now have an explanation of sorts to help them understand why they have navigated the world in the way they have in the past so many years of their life. It is equally a valuable text for family members or friends of autistic people to give them an insight into how they may process the world in different ways and how the simplest accommodations can vastly increase quality of life.
I think this book could be quite validating to autistic adults (especially women) who have been diagnosed later in life and now have an explanation of sorts to help them understand why they have navigated the world in the way they have in the past so many years of their life. It is equally a valuable text for family members or friends of autistic people to give them an insight into how they may process the world in different ways and how the simplest accommodations can vastly increase quality of life.
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