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220 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 29, 2018
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He was lust and heat and power and I fucking loved it.
Theo had burrowed deeper than I’d realized, dug barbs into me. And when he’d ripped away—when I’d pushed him away—it had felt like they all tore loose at once.
His tongue was an instrument, and he kissed me like he was playing a song, coming on strong, easing off, building to a crest, changing the rhythm.
Theo had a way about him that got people in the palm of his hand. He was human but glamorous; effortlessly cool but vulnerable.
Out of nowhere, I felt my chest tighten and my throat seize, suddenly close to tears. In all of this, somehow, Theo had managed to remind me of who I was. Who I wanted to be. Who I could be again.
Caleb told himself the story that no one could depend on him because he’d break their trust.
And what stories had I told myself? That I was unlovable. That I had to earn the right to be cared for. That unless I made myself indispensable, I would be tossed away.
I turned to him and watched him listen to the song I��d written for him. The song that had gathered inside me, that I’d held tight all these months and finally unspooled for him in the early morning light. The song that told him all the things he already knew, but in the language we both felt deeper than words.
"There was this moment before, the first note left my mouth, when everything changed. There was the before and the after, the quiet and the noise; the off and the on. It was the moment when I felt like I appeared, pushing everything that I was out of myself like the notes I sang were a strong-currented river, able to disgorge me."
I couldn’t deny that it was satisfying� amazing, even, to have people love our music so much. I was so gratified whenever I saw people touched by what we made. And the performances themselves, I loved. But I felt like I’d waded into calm waters only to be pulled out to sea by a powerful undertow. Choked breathless, unprepared, defenseless, looking around in panic as the shoreline receded farther with each wave.
Everything about him worked its way under my skin, like a bullet slowly making its way to my heart.
“If you’re looking for a prize, you ain’t lookin� for love. Love isn’t a reward. It’s not something you deserve or don’t deserve.�
“I don’t need the world to love me and I don’t need my parents to love me. I just need you to love me. Because I love you.�
"I opened my arms, threw my head back, and shattered myself to pieces for them, until there was nothing left. �"
"I was used to being looked at, but being seen was something quite different. And I felt like Caleb saw me."
I wanted to be at the center of my own life again. I wanted to matter. For the music to matter. I wanted all of it. And I wanted it with Theo.
Everything about him worked its way under my skin, like a bullet slowly making its way to my heart.
The crowd. They thundered around me, their stomps and screams like my own heartbeat, their energy coursing through me like blood. These were the moments I lived for. These were the moments that made every other miserable bit of fame worth it.
I opened my arms, threw my head back, and shattered myself to pieces for them, until there was nothing left.
Ghosts of the past and hopes for the future were a dangerous cocktail.
As my voice came in, I saw Caleb's eyes widen. I turned to him and watched him listen to the song I'd written for him. The song that had gathered inside me, that I'd held tight all these months and finally unspooled for him in the early morning light. The song that told him all the things he already knew, but in the language we both felt deeper than words.