"THE BOOK THIEF: A Summary.

Liesel: Hi, I'm Liesel. I have no personality, but I'm a cute little girl.

Death: Her name is not Liesel. Her name is THE BOOK THIEF and I shall name her that for the rest of the book.

Liesel: Even though I stole, like, 3 books in total or something.

Death: Shut up, Book Thief.

Rudy: Hello everyone. Have you ever seen a lemon? That's what my hair looks like.

Death: Here is a little information you should know: this books is filled with many interesting facts. Very relevant and everything. We shall kick off with the definition from the dictionary of the word lemon.

Reader: The fuck?

Death: A lemon is a vegetable that is very yellow and acid. That's what the Book Thief's friend's hair looks like.

Reader: That's not a very good description. That's how I picture Rudy now. (view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)]

Death: Shut up and read so you can cry, reader.

*Intimidated reader keeps on reading*

Liesel: Papa!

Papa: Liesel.

Death: Reader, are you crying yet?

Reader: Can you just stop that?

Death: What?

Reader: That. Popping up out of nowhere?

Death: Get used to it. And keep on reading before I killz you! And woohoho, HERE'S A LITTLE FACT YOU SHOULD KNOW: This book is not gonna end well.

Reader: Are you serious? You could have used spoiler tags, man!

*Annoyed reader keeps on reading*

Liesel: Papa, can you play the accordion?

Papa: Yes, Liesel.

*Plays the accordion. Everyone else is bored*

Rudy: Hey, Saukerl.

Death: Listen, reader. Saukerl means bitch, basically, but I suppose it's less brutal if they say it in German. HERE IS ANOTHER LITTLE FACT YOU SHOULD KNOW: A lot of random words will be in German for the sole purpose of making this book look smart and bilingual. But it really is useless as every, and I do mean EVERY word in German is immediately followed by the English translation.

Reader: Errrr. What's the point then?

Death: Who said it has to be useful? I bet you're one of those ridiculous people who thinks a book has to have a plot? Or that characters have to be multi-dimensional? And you probably think that two metaphors per sentence is too much? Well, YOU ARE WRONG. This book will show you exactly how wrong you are.

Reader: Uh. Why did I pick up this book again?

Death: Because everyone luurved it. And you will, too.

*Skeptical reader keeps on reading*

Liesel: Papa!

Papa: Liesel.

Liesel: Mama!

Mama: Shut the fuck up, you slut bitch cunt fucking whore.

Liesel: Okayyy. Rudy?

Rudy: What, Saukerl?

Liesel: I don't know. I'm just bored.

Reader: So am I.

Rudy: Wanna go steal something?

Death: YO, READER. HAD YOU FORGOTTEN ME? HERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW. What the book thief and the lemon are about to do is going to end BADLY. You have the tissues ready?

Reader: What?

*Random shit happens*

Death: MUHAHAHAHA DIDN'T I SAY THAT WOULD HAPPEN?

Reader: I know. That's why I'm not crying. I kinda knew it, because you TOLD me EVERYTHING before it actually happened!

Death: Shut up and keep on reading.

Reader: But I'm already 524 pages in and nothing's happened yet! Sigh.

*Goes back to reading.*

Rudy: Saukerl, wanna play football?

Liesel: Okay.

*They play football and everyone else is bored.*

Death: HERE IS ...

Reader: Oh, man, not you again!

Death: I AM THE NARRATOR OF THE STORY AND THEREFORE I SHOULD BE TALKING AT ALL TIMES EVEN THOUGH I AM ACTUALLY INTERRUPTING THE NATURAL FLOW OF THE STORY.

Reader: Stop yelling at me.

Death: This is an information you should know: This was Nazi Germany and A BOOK WAS SOON TO BE STOLEN.

Liesel: Oh, a book. That's nice.

Death: SEE? IT IS NAZI GERMANY AND YET IT IS FULL OF BOOK THIEVERY.

Reader: Can you just stop glorifying book thievery? It's not that impressive. You make me expect something huge and it's not. So okay, she stole a book. BIG DEAL! It's not that amazing. Stop acting like it is.

Death: *glares*

Liesel: Papa?

Papa: Yes, Liesel?

Liesel: Can you read this book for me?

Papa: Yes.

*They read and everyone else is bored.*

Mama: Hey, you fucking punk ass motherfucking slut, dinner's ready!

Liesel: Coming, Mommy.

Reader: THE FUCK?

Death: Here are two informations that you should know. First, the definition from the dictionary of the word Dinner. Dinner is the main meal of the day, eaten in the evening or at midday. ...

Reader: This is a joke, right? What's the second information?

Death: A JEW IS COMING YOYOYO.

Reader: Thanks. I love to be surprised, so it's pretty cool to see how you spoil EVERYTHING. And practically nothing happens in the first place, so everything that COULD make me care for the book is now ruined.

Max: Hello, everyone. I am sweet and cliché and nice and Jewish. Love me?

Liesel: Yes!

Papa and Mama: Let's hide him!

Rudy: Hey Saukerl, wanna play football?

Liesel: No. Fuck off.

*Goes to play with Max. Everyone else is bored*

Max: Here Liesel. Look at these 16-pages-long drawings I made for you.

Reader: Am I supposed to read that? Hey, Editor!

Editor: Yeah?

Reader: Why didn't you make the words of these stupid drawings bigger? I can't see shit.

Editor: Not my problem.

Reader: Fine. I just won't read it, then.

Editor: 'S fine. You think I actually read them? Ha, ha. *moonwalks away*

Death: HERE IS A LITTLE FACT YOU SHOULD KNOW.

Reader: You better tell me that the story is over, I can't take it anymore.

Death: Fine. I will tell you how it ends.

(view spoiler)[Death: Everyone is gonna DIE. Now there, take this bucket. Fill it with tears. Go on, cry.

Reader: But there are still 532832 pages left! What for?

Death: Dunno.

*Random shit happens.*
*Everyone else is bored*

Author: Dammit. I don't know how to end that fucking book.

Papa, Mama, Liesel, Rudy, Max *all at the same time*: Please, Markus, please, just end it. We're just boring ourselves, kill us, whatever, DO SOMETHING.

Author: Mmm.. I have a brilliant idea!

*Some random bomb just blows up the whole city.*

*Seriously.*

Death: HEY HEY, EVERYONE IS DEAD.


Liesel: Except me! But I still don't have any personality whatsoever though. So it's not like I matter or anything. Go on, ignore me. *mumbles* I'm used to it anyway. *Fades away and everyone looks for a fuck to give, but no one can find any.*

Reader: That's it? That's the grand final? Everyone just fucking dies? Hahahaha.

Death: YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH. *jiggles empty bucket furiously*

Liesel: *goes to her dead mama* Ohh, Mama. I loved you so. You were so beautiful!

Mama: *wakes up from the dead* YOU GODDAMN PUNK ASS MOTHERFUCKING SLUT, DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME.

Reader: Hahaha! Brilliant! (That doesn't happen, though.)

Death: *seethes* How DARE you!

Reader: Whatever. The book's over. I'm exhausted. Ciao.

Death: *all mysterious* I will see you soon...

*Book ends. Everyone is just so fucking relieved.*
(hide spoiler)]

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