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Let us begin this post with a disclaimer: I don't normally do chain mails things. Not if it's blogs or Facebook status updates that read "� I bet most of my friends won't copy and paste this to their own status�" Even if it's about cancer or kitties, or kitties with cancer, I don't give a shit. I just don't do them and generally despise reading them.

SAVE TUMOR CAT - Pass this along or you'll go to HELL!

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I'm going to break that vow right here, in the name of promoting fellow authors and other shit I like. All of that being prelude to this: has bestowed upon me, for reasons that can only lead to a conclusion of brain damage on his part, the . If it had come from anyone else, I might have just ignored it as Internet nonsense, but I do love me some A.J. Brown, so the exception has been made. Now, let's get it on.

What the fuck is the Versatile Blogger Award? Dude, click the link above for more info.

What does one do once they've won the award? Besides holding a party in their own honor, getting totally shitfaced, and passing out facedown in the bathtub, they're supposed to do this shit:

* Thank the award-giver and link back to their blog in your post. (check)

* Include a link to the original blog, The Versatile Blogger Award. (checkerino)

* Share seven things about yourself. (I'll always talk about myself. See below)

* Pass this award along to fifteen blogs you enjoy reading. (er, no)

* Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award. (still undecided about this part as it seems pretty lame�)

* There is no deadline for responding, although I would imagine that being "fairly prompt" would be the polite thing to do. (DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME TO BE POLITE, I GOT POLITE RUNNING OUT OF MY ASS, I'M SO OVERSTUFFED WITH POLITE YOU SONOFABITCH!)

Before we go further, I already know I can't name 15 blogs I enjoy reading, whom I would also pass this thing along to, nor would I do that anyway. That would be the chain-mail aspect about this that makes me break out in a rash. But I will contact the person whom I name as my Versatile Blogger (if I end up doing that) and let that person do with this as they wish. And besides, most of the blogs I like have a large readership and are probably inundated by similar stuff all the time, and I have no interest in spamming them with this. But I will link to them and spread the word and the love around like it was fucking peanut butter. Oh yeah, baby, peanut butter love�

First, I'll share seven things about myself that you, Captain Reader, may not know:

1. I hate oranges. Hate those fuckers. Can't stand the taste, can't stand the smell, don't like orange juice or orange soda or orange candy or orange julius. Add some vodka and make it a screwdriver? You just ruined perfectly good vodka. Nice going, ass.

2. In January, I self-published a novel under a pen name. I've been trying to decide how to market the thing since it's, you know, published under a pen name, but I might as well announce it here. It's most decidedly not bizarro, which is why I didn't put it out under my own name, and I confess to being curious about the whole self-publishing deal. I thought I'd try it myself, if for no other reason, than to get a better idea of a different facet of the publishing world besides just the writing side. The novel is Mr. Flashback by Son Porter (). Don't ask where the name came from, there is no real significance to it. It's just easy to remember.

3. Speaking of books, I will have a new one coming out soon. will publish my novella King of the Perverts sometime this summer. I can't tell you how stoked I am about this book, and also about working with Grindhouse. They put out great pulp horror and bizarro and their books look, and are, utterly fantastic.

4. For you horror fans, I make this admission: I absolutely hated Richard Matheson's book Hell House. Just hated it. I found it to be dumb, cheesy writing and not at all scary. I spent the whole book yelling at the idiot characters. Flame away.

5. That's two things I hate, so I better list something I love: severe thunderstorms. It doesn't matter if the tornado sirens are going off, branches are flying through the air, rain is pelting my face, lightning is exploding all around � I'm that dumbass who stands out in the middle of a thunderstorm, hoping to glimpse for myself a tornado. If I had the money, I would take one of those tornado chasing vacations in Kansas or Oklahoma.

6. The first thing I ever wrote was a fully-illustrated fanfic of my favorite cartoon when I was about 6 or 7, ). I loved their spaceship, the Phoenix, and always wished I could have found a toy version of it. I never did, .

7. I spent nine months of my childhood inside an iron lung.

OK, that last one is not true. I'm actually just a big fat liar.

Now, on to the blogs I regularly check out:

1. AJ Brown's : Lots if introspective stuff about writing and fatherhood, being a husband, and juggling all those things. And as I mentioned, AJ and I have a little long-distance bromance going on, so� (blush)

2. John Skipp is !: No, this has not been around long, but the few posts Skipp has up so far have been so inspiring and helpful over the past month that I find myself checking regularly to see if he has a new post up yet. That's why it's here.

3. John Scalzi's : I can't not read whatever Scalzi posts, because more often than not, he writes exactly what I'm thinking about a particular subject. GET OUT OF MY HEAD, SCALZI!

4. The Cubs-centric baseball blog : I'm gonna throw a change-up here (PUN!) and add a sports blog, because goddammit, I gots me some roots in sports writing. And this is my list, so blah.

5. The something of Andersen Prunty, : Not exactly updated regularly, but when it is, it is always interesting and entertaining. Currently, he's holding a contest for readers to create a cover for his upcoming book, Fill the Grand Canyon and Live Forever.

6. : More of an occasional read for me, but regularly updated with interesting news and insights into publishing and writing. Worth the time.

7. JA Konrath's : The always interesting but equally annoying Konrath expounds on sticking it to the man through self-publishing. I like his transparency and willingness to share numbers and info, but am equally enraged by his insistence on posting in the third person. That just bugs Lowe.

8. Caris O'Malley's : There is never a time when Caris fails to make me laugh. A great majority of that time, I'm laughing at him, but still, you can't argue the results!

9. Kirk Jones's : Kirk likes to examine bizarro and horror art and literature through a scholarly, professorial lens. I like to read Kirk and pretend I'm smart like him.

10. Redneck bizarro robot genius, : Goofy fun from a bizarro son of the south. God Save Us, George W. Foxworthy!

11. College football fun from : OK, one more sports blog. If you're not a college football fan or observer, you probably won't get much of what's here, but if you are, and you do, then this shit is gold, more often than not.

12. Um� hmmmmmmmmm� There are other blogs I occasionally read, but I think I'll stop this list here. I will reserve the right to come back and add to this list when I inevitably remember the ones I forgot to include.

If you made it all the way through to the end of this, then I now have one question: why? If you can answer that question in no fewer than 200 words, I will email you a free copy of Son Porter's dynamic debut novel Mr. Flashback. Send your essays to: [email protected]

OK, bye bye!

A Town Called Suckhole by David W. Barbee

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Love is a strong word. I've met David W. Barbee in real, non-Internet life. I've quaffed beers shoulder to shoulder with the man and his wonderful wife. I've marveled at the awesome vision of David reading from his masterpiece, A TOWN CALLED SUCKHOLE, and how people lined up afterwards to get their hands on this book.

I mention all this for transparency's sake, but I also want you to know that I love David W. Barbee. I love him in the bromantic way that two men can love each other without the risk or promise of orificial penetration. And I love this book he has written.

Love it.

You've read a million times in reviews where an author has "rendered a rich world filled with depth and layers" and all that sort of jazz, right? Well, David Barbee's world of SUCKHOLE is deep-fried in a batter of bizarro ingenuity and served up on a stick of post-apocalyptic Southern gothic weirdness that you won't be able to resist sucking down. (I swear, I'm not gay for David Barbee.)

Barbee fully imagines SUCKHOLE, which makes it so easy to get lost in that world of nuclear fallout mutated rednecks and swamp monsters. But then he does what so many authors of the fantastic struggle to do, and he peoples SUCKHOLE with actual characters who have depth, emotion, dimension, and story arcs that we want to follow through to the end and screech out a rebel yee-haw for.

Did I mention I loved this book? Because I do. And I love David Barbee's sweet, Southern, robot-bizarro-writin' ass. Still no homo here, just some good ol fashion man love.

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Some of this is very recent and some of it is old news, but rather than tossing out a bunch of separate posts, I decided to combine things.

Commence ADHD-style update of a blog post written as a handy numbered list � now:

1. Until further notice, Muscle Memory will be $0.99 on the Kindle. () I think maybe I'll keep it there until I publish my next book. What that book will be and when it will happen is still unknown at this time, but stay tuned�

2. The sequel to Muscle Memory, which is very aptly title "Muscle Memory 2: More Muscle More Memory" is abso-fucking-lutely free and can be downloaded  in a number of ebook formats. as well in four parts, but then I realized I never updated this site about where to get the whole story in one place. Duh.

3. Here's some flash fiction for you, from me, courtesy of Bizarro Central: , along with another Gary-centric short story by Daniel Vlasaty.

I'm also very excited about two new anthologies that include my work: a humorous short story called "Praise the Lord and Pass the Parmesan" is in the Eraserhead Press anthology , which also includes pieces by John Skipp, Stephen Graham Jones, S.G. Browne, and a lot of other big names. I also sold a dark, extreme horror story called "Every Day a Holiday" which appears in the Pill Hill Press book "". That one boasts an amazing lineup that includes stuff from Jack Ketchum, Joe Lansdale, Bentley Little, Wrath James White, Lee Thomas, and a bunch more.

These books are both extremely cool and a lot of fun to read.

4. Some friends and acquaintances outside of the Bizarro world have seen new books come out recently and I wholeheartedly recommend them to you:

- AJ Brown's is a collection of three dark, short novellas, including the outstanding story "The Woodshed".

- How about werewolves? You like werewolves? Dig you some Graeme Reynolds then:

- While we're talking pulp, this is a must-read based on the dedication alone. Vernon D. Burns writes at the beginning of his pulp-tastic romp : For Diane - I hope his dick falls off, you cheating whore.

That's fucking beautiful right there.

5. My most recent Amazon purchase, which takes full advantage of the 4-for-3 deal that's still happening (is this newsworthy? Maybe it's nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt at pointing out the 4-for-3 deal from Amazon once again, but this is seriously a cool thing and I got four books that aren't available in my library for the price of three, which to me is quite newsworthy): by David W. Barbee; by Cameron Pierce; , by S.D. Foster; and by Tom Piccirilli.

Now, to quit my job and just write and read books all day long.

What? Bad idea?

'Tis the season for creating lists and such, and yes, I'm here to add another one, but I thought I would simply list the books of 2011 that I suspect I'll still be talking about after this year is over. (How's that for a lazy snappy lead-in?) I settled on four of them, with a few more honorable mentions. The first book listed here is technically from 2010, but I don't care because it was published in December of '10 and I say it's close enough for rock and roll. And I didn't read it until this year. So there.

1. , by J. David Osborne

This is the book voted mostly likely to send you swirling down the toilet bowl of depression. . And it's fucking cold, too. Set in a Communist Siberian gulag, you should consider throwing on a  before reading this, lest you catch your death of cold. But goddamn, is it beautifully written. Osborne's style is as clipped, considered and no-nonsense hardass as the world he creates, and that's why this works so damn well. If you want something original, compelling, smart, violent, and yet beautiful at the same time, I implore you to grab a copy of this one.

2. , by Ernest Cline

And now for something completely different, Cline's first-person love letter to all things 1980s. I was never the biggest gamer back in the day, and even less so now for that matter, but I was very familiar with the Atari and video arcade staples of my youth � Qbert, Pac-Man, Missle Defense, Galaga, etc., so there was enough here I could recognize. There are also several old school game references in this one that didn't resonate with me, but enough '80s movie minutiae to make me do a little pee-pee in my pants. I really dug the nostalgia and consider this to be a perfect read for an '80s child like myself. Good times.

3. , by Tom Piccirilli

Back to the darkness, this is a story of a guy with dissociative identity disorder who tries to solve his wife's murder while juggling his multiple identities in his head, each of which is written as a separate character. In lesser hands, this would be a mess, but Piccirilli does a marvelous job of making each identity their own person, with an arc that fits into the puzzle of a plot. Great writing, great characters, and a tense, violent crime story that has me wondering why it took me this long to read something from 'Pic'.

4. , by Bradley Sands

Another personality disorder type story wherein a popular action movie star can't suppress his ultra-macho, throat-ripping asshole of a character, the eponymous Rico Slade. Funny, but with some surprising heart for what initially appears to be a simple Bizarro weirdfest. ()

Those are the four books from 2011 that I dug the most. Other releases from this year that I enjoyed, are worth mentioning, and definitely worth your time are: , by Dan Simmons; , by Mykle Hansen;  , by John Rector; , by Carlton Mellick III; , by Dan Abnett

By The Time We Leave Here, We’ll Be Friends by J. David Osborne

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Fanfuckingtastic.

Of everything that I’ve read and reviewed over the past 2 or 3 years, this is the one book that deserves to be read by a larger audience. It won the Wonderland Award for best novel of the year, and there’s no doubt it was an honor well-earned.

Dense, dark, parasitic, drug-infused nightmare set in a Stalin-era Siberian prison camp. Cormac McCarthy fans take special note of this one � it’s bleak both in its subject matter and its stingy use of language. Nothing extraneous in here, and each word feels as though it was carefully chosen after an intense interviewing process that left those unworthy eviscerated and discarded along the side of the road. J. David Osborne kills this shit.

And it’s the fucker’s first novel. Amazing.

View all my reviews

By The Time We Leave Here, We'll Be Friends by J. David Osborne

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Fanfuckingtastic.

Of everything that I've read and reviewed over the past 2 or 3 years, this is the one book that deserves to be read by a larger audience. It won the Wonderland Award for best novel of the year, and there's no doubt it was an honor well-earned.

Dense, dark, parasitic, drug-infused nightmare set in a Stalin-era Siberian prison camp. Cormac McCarthy fans take special note of this one � it's bleak both in its subject matter and its stingy use of language. Nothing extraneous in here, and each word feels as though it was carefully chosen after an intense interviewing process that left those unworthy eviscerated and discarded along the side of the road. J. David Osborne kills this shit.

And it's the fucker's first novel. Amazing.

View all my reviews

By The Time We Leave Here, We'll Be Friends by J. David Osborne

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Fanfuckingtastic.

Of everything that I've read and reviewed over the past 2 or 3 years, this is the one book that deserves to be read by a larger audience. It won the Wonderland Award for best novel of the year, and there's no doubt it was an honor well-earned.

Dense, dark, parasitic, drug-infused nightmare set in a Stalin-era Siberian prison camp. Cormac McCarthy fans take special note of this one � it's bleak both in its subject matter and its stingy use of language. Nothing extraneous in here, and each word feels as though it was carefully chosen after an intense interviewing process that left those unworthy eviscerated and discarded along the side of the road. J. David Osborne kills this shit.

And it's the fucker's first novel. Amazing.

View all my reviews

I woke up at 2:30 AM today and really couldn't get back to sleep, so I'm feeling a bit philosophical right now. If the following makes it seem as though I'm under the influence of some mind-altering pharmaceutical, it's not that. I'm just a little punchy. But I promise, every word of this post is completely sincere�

I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. Specifically, I've been thinking about my future as a writer. I've spent the past year marketing and selling my first book, focused almost to a fault on reaching a specific goal. After spending so much time among the trees, now that this year has passed, I've had occasion to step back and look at the forest again. I won't know for certain what the future holds until next week when I head out to Portland for BizarroCon, but until then, I've been able to refocus on and reaffirm a number of things.

I've also put to words what I want. What my goals are. I wrote some of those things down, and those words have been stuck in my mind since. It's easy to think you know what you want, what you're about, what your goals are, but it's another thing to actually put those ideas to words. To crystallize them in your mind and lay them down on paper, as if you're making it official. Until then, you're subject to change, maybe a little unsure of the specifics, that what you think you want might turn out to be different from reality. I thought I'd share these with you because the more I read these words, the more firmly I believe in them, and the more resolute I am to prove them true.

First, some thoughts on what I try to accomplish with my writing:

I tend to focus my writing around interesting characters, first and foremost. I think strong characters trump everything else when it comes to what makes a book entertaining and memorable. I understand and agree that title, cover art and concept play a huge part in catching a reader's eye and opening their wallets, but if you don't deliver a story that holds their attention, gives them characters they can believe are real, and entertains them, then you don't gain fans or build a readership that will run out to buy your next book. Story and characterization must be as strong as concept, otherwise a writer's readership won't grow.

That leads into the next point, the specific reply to something I've been asked many times, and perhaps never given as succinct an answer as this until now � What are my goals as a writer?

My main goal as a writer is to entertain and connect with readers in a meaningful way. I want readers to come away with something that stays with them after they've finished reading my stories. I want them to remember the characters and wish their time together did not have to end.

Pretty simplistic, really. But there's not a whole lot more to add, at least not at this point. People change, life has a funny way of altering your opinions and perceptions, but at this point, it really all boils down to that statement for me. If you believe in what motivates you, what drives you to succeed at whatever it is you're going after, it doesn't have to be a long-winded dissertation. Goals can be simple and clear. At least mine are. No extraneous bullshit needed. I want to write books that you have to read, and I want them to be books that you will remember.

I hope to continue doing this for a very long time, and I look forward to sharing the experience with all of you. To everyone who has read my stories, bought my books, told people about my work, and especially, told me personally about what they took away from it, I want to again thank you.

You are why I do this.

Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

It was� you know� eh. Don’t get me wrong, well written, with some solid Palahniukian things to say about� things and stuff. But overall? Shit, I don’t know.

I didn’t really go into this book with any kind of expectation. It seems two camps have emerged in the Chuck Palahniuk fandom world � the group that’s tired of that “Chuck� voice that every main character seems to have and wishes he’d branch out, and the group that’s tired of Chuck trying to branch out and do something that doesn’t read like a Chuck book. I fall in between I suppose. I liked PYGMY until the end, but my problem with that book didn’t have to do with the voice or the “Chuckitutde� of it, more with the copout of an ending.

I guess this is Chuck’s curse, to have all of his work forever compared to his first, great breakthrough. Either it’s not enough like it, or it’s too much like it. I think my problem with DAMNED is, Chuck’s heart just doesn’t seem to be into it. To put it another way, this felt like book writing instead of story telling. Felt like fiction manufacturing instead of yarn spinning. By the time I got to the TO BE CONTINUED� at the end, I really didn’t even have the energy to be annoyed. I laughed a few times, kind of got to like the Madison character, wondered why all the candy in Hell didn’t melt, but mostly just felt really noncommittal by the end.

All I really want is to read a good, entertaining story. That’s all I’m looking for at this point. If I get something more out of it, then that’s just the unexpected gravy atop the mashed potato. (The yellow kind they served with school lunch, that seems so delicious and magical now that I haven’t had it for 20 years.) It’s not you, Chuck, it’s me. Will I read the sequel(s)? Yeah, most likely. But, again, I won’t go into it with any kind of expectations. I grew up rooting for the Chicago Cubs. I’ve learned not to have expectations. I am broken.

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Damned by Chuck Palahniuk

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

It was� you know� eh. Don't get me wrong, well written, with some solid Palahniukian things to say about� things and stuff. But overall? Shit, I don't know.

I didn't really go into this book with any kind of expectation. It seems two camps have emerged in the Chuck Palahniuk fandom world � the group that's tired of that "Chuck" voice that every main character seems to have and wishes he'd branch out, and the group that's tired of Chuck trying to branch out and do something that doesn't read like a Chuck book. I fall in between I suppose. I liked PYGMY until the end, but my problem with that book didn't have to do with the voice or the "Chuckitutde" of it, more with the copout of an ending.

I guess this is Chuck's curse, to have all of his work forever compared to his first, great breakthrough. Either it's not enough like it, or it's too much like it. I think my problem with DAMNED is, Chuck's heart just doesn't seem to be into it. To put it another way, this felt like book writing instead of story telling. Felt like fiction manufacturing instead of yarn spinning. By the time I got to the TO BE CONTINUED� at the end, I really didn't even have the energy to be annoyed. I laughed a few times, kind of got to like the Madison character, wondered why all the candy in Hell didn't melt, but mostly just felt really noncommittal by the end.

All I really want is to read a good, entertaining story. That's all I'm looking for at this point. If I get something more out of it, then that's just the unexpected gravy atop the mashed potato. (The yellow kind they served with school lunch, that seems so delicious and magical now that I haven't had it for 20 years.) It's not you, Chuck, it's me. Will I read the sequel(s)? Yeah, most likely. But, again, I won't go into it with any kind of expectations. I grew up rooting for the Chicago Cubs. I've learned not to have expectations. I am broken.

View all my reviews