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How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological And Spritual Integration
Using the metaphor of the heroic journey—departure, struggle and return—the author shows readers the way to psychological and spiritual health.
117 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 1, 1991
504 people are currently reading
3491 people want to read
About the author
David Richo
83Ìýbooks513ÌýfollowersDavid Richo, PhD, is a therapist and author who leads popular workshops on personal and spiritual growth.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
He received his BA in psychology from Saint John's Seminary in Brighton, Massachusetts, in 1962, his MA in counseling psychology from Fairfield University in 1969, and his PhD in clinical psychology from Sierra University in 1984. Since 1976, Richo has been a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in California. In addition to practicing psychotherapy, Richo teaches courses at Santa Barbara City College and the University of California Berkeley at Berkeley, and has taught at the Esalen Institute in Big Sur, Pacifica Graduate Institute, and Santa Barbara Graduate Institute. He is a clinical supervisor for the Community Counseling Center in Santa Barbara, California.
Known for drawing on Buddhism, poetry, and Jungian perspectives in his work, Richo is the author of How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Lovingand The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find in Embracing Them. He has also written When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships, Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side, The Power of Coincidence: How Life Shows Us What We Need to Know, and Being True to Life: Poetic Paths to Personal Growth.
Richo lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 128 reviews
September 6, 2011
What impressed me most about this book is that Richo doesn't offer any kind of objective evidence to back up his statements; he just comes right out and says what he believes to be true about being a mature adult. He often makes bold statements in a very compelling (and sometimes provocative) way. I certainly didn't agree with all of it, but his confident and intelligent voice was compelling enough to make me want to stay with it. This is a literary self-help book. There are no quick fixes, and thankfully, it is devoid of the cutesy kind of humor, anecdotes, and exclamation points that plague many otherwise valuable books on how to be a better person.
I am curious to read some of Richo's other books; a quick glance at his other titles suggest that he goes into much more detail than he does here on any one topic. I was tempted to begin underlining many passages in 'How to Be An Adult', but I stopped myself because I realized that I'd be underlining over half of the book. I do plan to reread it again soon, and read his other books. I'm sure that part of my enthusiasm for the author is because I am a Catholic who has been immersing himself in Buddhist thought/practices for many years; Richo's work integrates Christian and Buddhist ideas into a Jungian archetypal framework.
I am curious to read some of Richo's other books; a quick glance at his other titles suggest that he goes into much more detail than he does here on any one topic. I was tempted to begin underlining many passages in 'How to Be An Adult', but I stopped myself because I realized that I'd be underlining over half of the book. I do plan to reread it again soon, and read his other books. I'm sure that part of my enthusiasm for the author is because I am a Catholic who has been immersing himself in Buddhist thought/practices for many years; Richo's work integrates Christian and Buddhist ideas into a Jungian archetypal framework.
November 28, 2007
This is the best, most concise book on psychological transformation. If you read this and get it and can embody it, you will jump up the learning curve of life. For the rest of us, it's a great companion to any personal growth work.
June 26, 2020
This book should be required reading for people in their 20s. Reading and re-reading every 2-3 years.
November 24, 2023
My two years of therapy could’ve been replaced by this book. The author does a great job at keeping the content concise, actionable and simplifying psychological concepts into plain language.
April 7, 2015
I am not sure how I've missed this book over all these years, but I do believe that books find us. This book is definitely a treasure that I will refer to again and again, both for personal development and a reference in the treatment I provide through psychotherapy. Already many of my clients are tired of hearing about it! This book follows the theme of the hero's journey described by Joseph Campbell-- that in all our lives there is a call to higher consciousness, the struggle in working toward this, and the return home. I love that this book focuses on how our relationships with others are critical to moving through these phases. I also love Riccho's thoughtful and intelligent writing style; particularly toward the end as he describes for us the personal integration we can all hope to attain upon returning to our whole and authentic selves. This is definitely one of the best books I've ever read on living each day more consciously and as an "adult."
March 16, 2017
I like David Richo's teachings. That said, this particular book is like stumbling onto his notes for a class--very straight forward without stories, etc. In some ways I appreciated that, and in other ways, it was too dry for me to feel inspired.
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December 13, 2019If you're only going to read one personal development book (and you don't have a copy of mine) then this is the one. Amazing little book. I recommend this to more coaching clients than any other book.
March 12, 2015
The previous psychological book that I had read, "Staying OK", pointed me to be an adult. But I was not sure what it really means to be an adult and how I can be one. I searched and found this book. It is a great book that gives you indeed a concise definition of being an adult. It is concise because it offers you a list of points without going deep into each point or without giving examples to make the point clear. It is not a self-help book because it borrows a lot of jungian ideas without preparing you ahead. I would suggest this book to a person who is familiar with psychoanalysis concepts and looks for a concise definition of being an adult, or "individuation" in Jung's words.
November 16, 2023
holy fucking shit. instead of this book telling me how to be an adult, it made me properly realize and work through all the grief i've been holding onto from a relationship that ended two years ago, like no other books about break-up ever helped me accurately. it did not talk to me about taxes or finding a proper career path (like i was expecting it to), rather it talked to me about my inner child wounds, boundaries, and intimacy. therapists are expensive, but this book and a huge amount of self-awareness (and self-reflection) can suffice.
July 23, 2012
Very good - however, I can say this for sure: Richo only gets better!!! That is exciting for all of you who have started with this book. Keep reading - Richo is quickly becoming one of the primary motivators in my life. Richo inspires me to create new spins on classic phrases like, "Richo bless you" and, "I believe in Richo" and "Richo-damnit" Okay, the last one went to far, but I freaking LOVE Richo.
July 7, 2017
I stumbled onto this book during a recent silent retreat. I found it very practical in helping me explore issues from my childhood/past that were affecting how I respond to events today and obscuring my true self. I liked it enough that I bought a second book of his.
October 6, 2018
I recommend everyone read this. It contains more wisdom and truth than one could get out of many years of therapy. His integration of accountability, spirituality, and responsibility set this book apart from others. He is direct, concise, and clear.
November 15, 2019
This book is life changing and I keep going back to it, and I expect to keep going back to it.
March 27, 2021
How does a person change for the better? How do you grow as an individual? How much is a person’s growth socially conferred, and then, how much is growth a change of substance: something so deep-down and personal that the change cannot be verbally communicated, it can only be reflected in your actions, in the way you share with others, not what you share.
I have been a hardline skeptic of personal growth stuff since I was thirteen because it promised my mom and me so much more than it delivered. I am perhaps still skeptical, but I am a lot more open to advice. Who wants to be sad and wounded their whole life?
David Richo is a great writer. This is not a workbook. Neither is it a textbook. Neither is it a revolutionary new method to lose weight, get the girl, get the job, and be the Fortune 500 athlete you always knew you were. This is a very lean guidebook to start practicing a handful of therapeutic techniques Richo noticed helped his patients. That, and he responds to the recurring issues that appear in his practice. It is not a great synthesis: it is an excellent tool for beginning to do the emotional and spiritual work we must learn in order to deal successfully with being an adult individual.
The first part is about griefwork. We must learn how to grieve the sort of nurturing and love and trust we missed as children. This is not an indictment against one's parents. Our parents probably did the best they could (I know mine did, given the circumstances). I think the insight here is that we all emerge from childhood with chips on our shoulders (including our parents). No one makes it out unscathed. But we have to learn to appropriately grieve and then accept that we missed out on certain crucial things when we were little. And once we begin this work, acknowledging the hurt, staying with it, forgiving others, "dropping the expectation that others fulfill this need for me now," we begin taking the steps to be our own parents. That is what being an adult means: being a good parent to yourself.
I can imagine some of my friends saying something like, "oh, this is a bunch of silly feel-good hippy crap. Just toughen up. Life sucks. Get over it." Well, yes, I do want to get over it. And here is an instruction manual for doing just that.
Rick Roderick asked a question that has stayed with me for years. He asked, "at what point can you distinguish between genuine personal development and the adoption of a new fad, a new style?" (I'm paraphrasing, but the gist is: how do you know you've grown as a person distinguished from how do you know if you've just picked up a new health craze that makes you feel spiritually advanced?) I don't think this is a question that you can answer generally: it's a heuristic for determining your own journey. Richo is not saying he has all the answers, but he has created a neat little tool to help you identify parts of your psyche that I needed help addressing.
I'm going to reread this and maybe make a more focused review later. One that summarizes my journey with the text.
I have been a hardline skeptic of personal growth stuff since I was thirteen because it promised my mom and me so much more than it delivered. I am perhaps still skeptical, but I am a lot more open to advice. Who wants to be sad and wounded their whole life?
David Richo is a great writer. This is not a workbook. Neither is it a textbook. Neither is it a revolutionary new method to lose weight, get the girl, get the job, and be the Fortune 500 athlete you always knew you were. This is a very lean guidebook to start practicing a handful of therapeutic techniques Richo noticed helped his patients. That, and he responds to the recurring issues that appear in his practice. It is not a great synthesis: it is an excellent tool for beginning to do the emotional and spiritual work we must learn in order to deal successfully with being an adult individual.
The first part is about griefwork. We must learn how to grieve the sort of nurturing and love and trust we missed as children. This is not an indictment against one's parents. Our parents probably did the best they could (I know mine did, given the circumstances). I think the insight here is that we all emerge from childhood with chips on our shoulders (including our parents). No one makes it out unscathed. But we have to learn to appropriately grieve and then accept that we missed out on certain crucial things when we were little. And once we begin this work, acknowledging the hurt, staying with it, forgiving others, "dropping the expectation that others fulfill this need for me now," we begin taking the steps to be our own parents. That is what being an adult means: being a good parent to yourself.
I can imagine some of my friends saying something like, "oh, this is a bunch of silly feel-good hippy crap. Just toughen up. Life sucks. Get over it." Well, yes, I do want to get over it. And here is an instruction manual for doing just that.
Rick Roderick asked a question that has stayed with me for years. He asked, "at what point can you distinguish between genuine personal development and the adoption of a new fad, a new style?" (I'm paraphrasing, but the gist is: how do you know you've grown as a person distinguished from how do you know if you've just picked up a new health craze that makes you feel spiritually advanced?) I don't think this is a question that you can answer generally: it's a heuristic for determining your own journey. Richo is not saying he has all the answers, but he has created a neat little tool to help you identify parts of your psyche that I needed help addressing.
I'm going to reread this and maybe make a more focused review later. One that summarizes my journey with the text.
December 28, 2014
This book is a compilation of cliff notes highlighting basic Eastern philosophies. Yes, it will tell you what to do and how to be, steering you in a general direction, but it never delves any farther than that to give detailed instructions about how to do any of it. So overall, it is a summary of concepts invented by others and transcribed into laymen's terms for the lazy American.
June 25, 2020
This was excellent. So much wisdom packed in so few pages. I underlined and starred practically every other sentence. What they don’t teach you in school. I plan to pick it up again and again. Unassumingly amazing. Highly recommend.
June 29, 2023
Lots of tears shed. That might mean it's done what it intended.
March 3, 2024
Great, super dense book with some beautiful nuggets about self-work. Some that resonated the most were around the importance or self-parenting and using emotions as an anchor to get to know ourselves better and, subsequently, improve.
April 2, 2021
An excellent book that all adults and adult-to-be’s should read. Concise, dense, yet very readable. I like the chapters on fear, anger, and guilt and how to make sense of these three most common emotions.
April 17, 2019
The origin of our identity is love.
In adulthood the needs can be for filled only flexibly or partially since we are interdependent and our needs are no longer connected to our survival.
The adult is satisfied with reasonable dividends of need for filament in relationships.
Knows how to love unconditionally and get tolerate no abuse or stuckness in a relationship.
Changes the locus of trust from others to himself so that he receives loyalty when others show it and handles disappointments when others betray.
If not met and childhood he exaggerates the needs so they become. Insatiable. Let’s feelings go underground. Neurotic anxiousness with solicitude.
Designed false self that met our parents approval and maintained our role in the family.
Such boundaries became the long-standing habits and patterns ever since.
We release our in hidden inner world of unused and unrevealed qualities.
We lighten up and may even noticed that people love us more.
I am free enough to want everything I say and do to reveal me as I am. I love being seen as I am.
In adulthood the needs can be for filled only flexibly or partially since we are interdependent and our needs are no longer connected to our survival.
The adult is satisfied with reasonable dividends of need for filament in relationships.
Knows how to love unconditionally and get tolerate no abuse or stuckness in a relationship.
Changes the locus of trust from others to himself so that he receives loyalty when others show it and handles disappointments when others betray.
If not met and childhood he exaggerates the needs so they become. Insatiable. Let’s feelings go underground. Neurotic anxiousness with solicitude.
Designed false self that met our parents approval and maintained our role in the family.
Such boundaries became the long-standing habits and patterns ever since.
We release our in hidden inner world of unused and unrevealed qualities.
We lighten up and may even noticed that people love us more.
I am free enough to want everything I say and do to reveal me as I am. I love being seen as I am.
August 19, 2017
This is an amazing book for helping to figure out issues remaining from not-having-the-best-childhood-ever and learning 100% of everything that you need to get through life. Even though I am well into my adult years, this book has been an absolute eye-opener to me in so many ways. It is written in a very concise manner, as the author states at the outset, and is extremely straightforward in approach. This book is about growth and it is filled with love, kindness and gentleness! I've invited a couple of friends to read it with me.
March 20, 2008
This book is a bit of a dry read but it was one of the most life changing books I've ever read in regards to understanding myself. It is like the ultimate handbook to feelings. There is a chapter on anger, a chapter on guilt, and a chapter on fear. There is also a section about assertiveness vs. aggressive and passive behavior. It helped me to see that each person is responsible for their own feelings and that betrayal and rejections are not feelings at all, but beliefs.
March 10, 2019
In the category of “books with awful titles�, but some enjoyable chapters. Is a slow read as is dense and takes time for reflection.
In reading it be prepared for spending time reflecting or journaling about how you act, react, or respond in relating with others.
One snippet: “before making any serious or lasting decision, test yourself at wanting it consistently each day for one to six months.�
In reading it be prepared for spending time reflecting or journaling about how you act, react, or respond in relating with others.
One snippet: “before making any serious or lasting decision, test yourself at wanting it consistently each day for one to six months.�
December 26, 2023
I would give this book zero stars if I could.
This book is alien to me. I feel like a gradeschool boy handed a book on graduate level mathematics.
David Richo (DR from now on) makes claims that to me are so far from right that they aren't even wrong. They are nonsense.
​What is unconditional love? I cannot imagine any unconditional bond. What is love?
Preacher man? Used car salesman? WTF is he talking about.
Dualism is too oversimplified. I can have any of the atributes at any time, and can switch from one to another rapidly.
I disagree. I think we can see things before we are ready for them. This can cause us to progress backward, or can just get in the way.
Loving balance between psyche and circumstance makes no sense to me.
The center of our entire psyche (both conscious and unconscious) is the Self. It is our inner archetypal wholeness that creates a constant balance between the opposing forces of ego. For instance, it is the Self that finally reconciles effort and effortlessness, injury and forgiveness, control and surrender, conflict with others and acceptance of them, awareness of defects and unconditional love. The Self does this because it is pure unconditionality, which is all-inclusive love.
Babblings. I see zero evidence of this sort of Self.
Through the rest of the introduction I am taking exception to nearly every paragraph. Far from helping me, this book is a source of irritation and frustration.
Not recommended. I was unable to even complete the introduction.
This book is alien to me. I feel like a gradeschool boy handed a book on graduate level mathematics.
David Richo (DR from now on) makes claims that to me are so far from right that they aren't even wrong. They are nonsense.
In my years as a clinical psychologist, I have come to the conclusion that emotional and spiritual health is based on unconditional love
​What is unconditional love? I cannot imagine any unconditional bond. What is love?
When you are no longer compelled by desire or fear � when you have seen the radiance of eternity in all the forms of time � When you follow your bliss � doors will open where you would not have thought there were doors � and the world will step in and help.
Preacher man? Used car salesman? WTF is he talking about.
He becomes dualistic about ego.
It is functional in that it is the strong grounded activating principle by which we make intellectual assessments and judgments, show feelings appropriately, and relate skillfully to other people.
It can also be neurotic when it becomes attached, addicted, dualistic, and judgmental. It then panics, controls, expects, dramatizes feelings, and believes itself entitled to special treatment. Such deception gives the neurotic ego power to keep us stuck.
Dualism is too oversimplified. I can have any of the atributes at any time, and can switch from one to another rapidly.
This work leads to insight and to change when we are ready for it. We can trust that we will see only what we are truly ready to face. A loving balance between psyche and circumstances lets us know our work only when we have the power to do it!
I disagree. I think we can see things before we are ready for them. This can cause us to progress backward, or can just get in the way.
Loving balance between psyche and circumstance makes no sense to me.
The center of our entire psyche (both conscious and unconscious) is the Self. It is our inner archetypal wholeness that creates a constant balance between the opposing forces of ego. For instance, it is the Self that finally reconciles effort and effortlessness, injury and forgiveness, control and surrender, conflict with others and acceptance of them, awareness of defects and unconditional love. The Self does this because it is pure unconditionality, which is all-inclusive love.
Babblings. I see zero evidence of this sort of Self.
Through the rest of the introduction I am taking exception to nearly every paragraph. Far from helping me, this book is a source of irritation and frustration.
Not recommended. I was unable to even complete the introduction.
May 26, 2021
My review of this book is rather subjective due to the impact it had on me.
On the teachings:
After reading it I felt I had a better sense of how to compartmentalize my feelings. An understanding of my boundaries and vulnerablities. And a forming ability to assert boundaries or simply less of a pull to overdeliver for others out of lack of them/ guilt.
I have more confidence in my ability to handle my own personal grief and less wrongful assertion of my internal problems on others to solve.
If I tell others close to me, it can be as a listening ear but the problem itself is mine to solve.
I learned anger can be expressed openly, without it being required of the other person to do anything to improve it.
And that past experiences don't have to be the determinant of your current mood and life. They can be respected, grieved to better understanding, or even ignored and housed for a separate time when you're ready to process them.
On the exercises:
I enjoy the practical systems in this book
When reading I began writing page numbers of all the excercises to go back to later. I found the
' 1 symbol and 8 words that describe it' chart closer to the end insightful for lower level beliefs.
I also enjoyed the use of the tables to show 2 different ways of being with certain emotions throughout the book because it's a tangible way of refencing ideals to my own behaviors I see in real life.
After reading:
After reading i'm making more of an effort to interrelate to others and not let fear of being engulfed hold me down.
I've not often considered taking care of myself in the way this book shares, overall I appreciate it & feel happier being able to see myself as something to be cared for personally
(like a parent to a child)
On the teachings:
After reading it I felt I had a better sense of how to compartmentalize my feelings. An understanding of my boundaries and vulnerablities. And a forming ability to assert boundaries or simply less of a pull to overdeliver for others out of lack of them/ guilt.
I have more confidence in my ability to handle my own personal grief and less wrongful assertion of my internal problems on others to solve.
If I tell others close to me, it can be as a listening ear but the problem itself is mine to solve.
I learned anger can be expressed openly, without it being required of the other person to do anything to improve it.
And that past experiences don't have to be the determinant of your current mood and life. They can be respected, grieved to better understanding, or even ignored and housed for a separate time when you're ready to process them.
On the exercises:
I enjoy the practical systems in this book
When reading I began writing page numbers of all the excercises to go back to later. I found the
' 1 symbol and 8 words that describe it' chart closer to the end insightful for lower level beliefs.
I also enjoyed the use of the tables to show 2 different ways of being with certain emotions throughout the book because it's a tangible way of refencing ideals to my own behaviors I see in real life.
After reading:
After reading i'm making more of an effort to interrelate to others and not let fear of being engulfed hold me down.
I've not often considered taking care of myself in the way this book shares, overall I appreciate it & feel happier being able to see myself as something to be cared for personally
(like a parent to a child)
July 14, 2021
I could have given the 5 stars, this book is a gem. The style is very 'bones only', meaning the writing style is very simple, the essentials only, and You have to flesh it up, by actually starting introspection. There are some beautiful poems in between. One can cringe to oneself reading this, but Richo seems to have a healthy motivation and self-esteem himself, and his advice is very loving. Because that's what being and adult is all about Being love with healthy boundaries. I have to re-read this. I've been busy,and before writing this I went to the beginning of the book, and thought, what? this is so well put, did I read this? Ah, conditioning.
May 26, 2018
An accessible synopsis of the hero's journey and integration of the self. Richo combines wisdom from Buddhism and Catholicism as well as his decades of experience working as a psychotherapist and retreat leader to instruct on evolving from a neurotic ego to a healthy one. This book is a useful guide for people in recovery from substance use disorders, eating disorders or codependency, as well as mental health professionals and coaches working with clients who have chosen to embark on the hero's quest.
June 22, 2023
A nice slow meditative read (like the author recommends). I literally bought five copies of this half way through reading it to give to roommates and friends.
The part of me that just wants someone to tell me how to be a good person felt satisfied by this book. So many times I had out loud “oooof, that’s so me� moments. But not in a way that makes you feel judged or ashamed but in a way that makes you realize “oh that’s just a very human action/reaction and here’s what I can do next time to be better�.
Highly recommend if you are (1) a person or (2) interact with other people.
The part of me that just wants someone to tell me how to be a good person felt satisfied by this book. So many times I had out loud “oooof, that’s so me� moments. But not in a way that makes you feel judged or ashamed but in a way that makes you realize “oh that’s just a very human action/reaction and here’s what I can do next time to be better�.
Highly recommend if you are (1) a person or (2) interact with other people.
May 16, 2023
I enjoy the first half of the book as I found my current and old-self here. I acknowledged my aggressive trait and learned how to improve my assertive traits. However, maybe this book was old, the way of writing is not really attracting and might be difficult to get by a people from non English speaking countries. The second half about relationship is kinda lengthy, vague and I don't really relate myself to that part. However, I still think this is worth reading.
January 1, 2020
Life-changing and powerful. This book both empowers and charges you to understand yourself so that you are able to take care of you. I'll be re-reading this a few times. Great way to start the new year... A year of continued learning and discovery.
“Wonderful changes are happening in me; I allow them.�
"My life is rich and complete; I am rich and complete."
“Wonderful changes are happening in me; I allow them.�
"My life is rich and complete; I am rich and complete."
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