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Fragile: A heart-breaking story of a lifelong battle with anorexia
From the age of eight until she was nineteen, Nikki battled anorexia nervosa—but few cases have been quite as extreme as hers. At just seven years old, Nikki began feeling that she was overweight. A remark about her being fat from a fellow pupil at a gymnastics class along with insecurity brought about by her parents' separation and he beloved grandfather's death, were the catalysts for Nikki's long-term eating disorder. Aged just eight and weighing just under three stone, she was diagnosed as anorexic. For the next eight years, Nikki was in and out of institutions—seven in total—during which time she attempted suicide twice and had to be sedated up to four times a day so that she could be force-fed. At one point, she was sedated for fourteen days while doctors sewed a tube into her stomach, through which she was fed in order to get her weight out of the critical range. Nikki admits that she knew every anorexic's trick in the book: from breaking into hospital kitchens to water down full-fat milk, altering her diet sheet and switching name tags on food to ensure that she received smaller amounts, to even stuffing a door-stop down her trousers before a weigh-in. The extremes that she went to in order to avoid eating and find ways to exercise excessively shocked doctors who have worked in the field for years. As Nikki says, “I've always wanted to be the best at everything I do, so I had to be the best anorexic—and I was.� This is the heart-rending and powerful story of a girl who lost her childhood but was brave enough to finally admit that she wanted to live again.
338 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2012
75 people are currently reading
566 people want to read
About the author
Nikki Grahame
4books16followersBetween eight and nineteen years old, Nikki Grahame was in and out of hospitals and institutions as she battled with anorexia nervosa. At one point, her weight was so dangerously low that she went into a coma; one of the doctors treating her said that hers was the worst case of anorexia he had seen in 32 years.
In 2006, Grahame appeared as a contestant in Big Brother 7. Following her time in the house, she wrote columns for OK!, the Sun and More magazine and was a presenter on Big Brother spin-off BBLB. Nikki Grahame also devoted time to increasing awareness of eating disorders in the hopes that her life story could help others.
Grahame died of complications of anorexia nervosa in April 2021, at the age of 38.
In 2006, Grahame appeared as a contestant in Big Brother 7. Following her time in the house, she wrote columns for OK!, the Sun and More magazine and was a presenter on Big Brother spin-off BBLB. Nikki Grahame also devoted time to increasing awareness of eating disorders in the hopes that her life story could help others.
Grahame died of complications of anorexia nervosa in April 2021, at the age of 38.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 59 reviews
March 21, 2014
I gave a low rating because as a fellow ED sufferer, I feel like Nikki's disorder is exploited in this book. She speaks of the competitive nature of anorexia nervosa within, which is funny since the whole book feels like a brag about how ill she has been with her disorder. If you have personal experience with anorexia reading this book is probably not a good idea.
April 11, 2021
RIP Nikki Graham 2021
Sadly, she has just passed away from her Anorexia.
Sadly, she has just passed away from her Anorexia.
October 6, 2013
Very insightful into the background of her life, why she acts the way she does now. Obviously this isn't promoting an eating disorder making her a 'celebrity' this started from a very young age, it is a very no-holds barred book, if you want the honesty, truth and heart-breaking, sometimes tragic insight into having an eating disorder. It begins with the person thinking they are in control and start to enjoy the 'control' until actually it's the complete opposite, the eating disorder controls them and recovery is a very difficult battle.
As I said, insightful, honest and heart-wrenching, but also very well written.
As I said, insightful, honest and heart-wrenching, but also very well written.
October 15, 2022
Trigger warnings for graphic descriptions of eating disorders and eating disorder treatment as well as lots of numbers (both weight and calories).
Such a devastating but relatable read.
Such a devastating but relatable read.
September 15, 2015
This left me with a WTF-did-I-just-read sort of aftertaste. I should admit from the get-go that I chose it because:
1. I like eating disorders/mental health/recovery stories; and
2. it was available through kindle unlimited so I didn't have to pay extra for it.
and also
3. Despite the author's frequent references to her fame (as a reality TV star) in the last quarter of the book, I had never heard of her, and probably wouldn't have read it if I had been familiar with her (as I would be unlikely to read anything that Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian--who I have been subjected to purely by some evil form of cultural osmosis--might ever choose to write.) Yes, I am a snob that way. I simply do not understand the appeal of reality TV.
But to judge this purely by its own merits--it was OK. I commend Grahame for her honesty in presenting her struggles in a ruthless and frequently unflattering light. She became severely anorexic at a very young age (eight or nine, I think), and spent years in various institutions, being fed through tubes in her nose and stomach, and yet still trying to think of ways to beat the system and starve herself to the brink of death. She freely admits to being a "demon child" and throwing tantrums continuously to get her way; honestly, I wanted to pray for her long-suffering mother and sister. Although she states she wrote the book to help other sufferers know there is hope, there is a self-congratulatory tone throughout that left me unsurprised by the afterword where she admits to relapsing and struggling with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I would suggest that maybe looking for lasting worth in reality TV stardom, fame and clubbing is a fragile foundation to build upon, but what do I know?
Honestly, I do feel sorry for her. By her own admission, she's ruined her health, some of her relationships, and a large chunk of her life with her illness, and seems to have little insight about what might have gone wrong. (Family stress and genetic predisposition, but that's not really an answer.) As I said, the book seems very honest and is more horrifying than triggering, but on the whole, I would have to recommend it only to the author's fans.
1. I like eating disorders/mental health/recovery stories; and
2. it was available through kindle unlimited so I didn't have to pay extra for it.
and also
3. Despite the author's frequent references to her fame (as a reality TV star) in the last quarter of the book, I had never heard of her, and probably wouldn't have read it if I had been familiar with her (as I would be unlikely to read anything that Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian--who I have been subjected to purely by some evil form of cultural osmosis--might ever choose to write.) Yes, I am a snob that way. I simply do not understand the appeal of reality TV.
But to judge this purely by its own merits--it was OK. I commend Grahame for her honesty in presenting her struggles in a ruthless and frequently unflattering light. She became severely anorexic at a very young age (eight or nine, I think), and spent years in various institutions, being fed through tubes in her nose and stomach, and yet still trying to think of ways to beat the system and starve herself to the brink of death. She freely admits to being a "demon child" and throwing tantrums continuously to get her way; honestly, I wanted to pray for her long-suffering mother and sister. Although she states she wrote the book to help other sufferers know there is hope, there is a self-congratulatory tone throughout that left me unsurprised by the afterword where she admits to relapsing and struggling with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I would suggest that maybe looking for lasting worth in reality TV stardom, fame and clubbing is a fragile foundation to build upon, but what do I know?
Honestly, I do feel sorry for her. By her own admission, she's ruined her health, some of her relationships, and a large chunk of her life with her illness, and seems to have little insight about what might have gone wrong. (Family stress and genetic predisposition, but that's not really an answer.) As I said, the book seems very honest and is more horrifying than triggering, but on the whole, I would have to recommend it only to the author's fans.
January 28, 2019
I have mixed feelings about this book.
Fragile is the second edition of the author's first book, "Dying to be Thin".
This book has an updated forward and epilogue which for me saved this book.
The first 2/3rds of the book where about Nikki Grahame's life in institutions to treat her eating disorder. Her anorexia consumed her and her desire to be the thinnest and beat the system was her life from ages 8 to about 16.
This portion of the book is honestly, I think, a guidebook of how to beat the hospital (which I am sure have changed since her time in hospitals was in the 90s, when anorexia was still not well known as it is today). It seems to me the author is proud of what she accomplished and at the time she wrote the book, probably still in love with her disorder.
The remainder of the book is about her time on the show Big Brother. Her recovery, at this phase in her life, was very glossed over. And I believe that is because she never truly recovered.
The epilogue of this book is what I liked best. She talks about her struggles since Big Brother and her relapse with anorexia.
I think anyone who is young should probably not read this book - I can see it to be triggering. If it had been out when I was young and in the beginning of my eating disorder, I know it would have triggered me.
But as an adult it just irritated me because as I said before, it just sounded like she was bragging.
Fragile is the second edition of the author's first book, "Dying to be Thin".
This book has an updated forward and epilogue which for me saved this book.
The first 2/3rds of the book where about Nikki Grahame's life in institutions to treat her eating disorder. Her anorexia consumed her and her desire to be the thinnest and beat the system was her life from ages 8 to about 16.
This portion of the book is honestly, I think, a guidebook of how to beat the hospital (which I am sure have changed since her time in hospitals was in the 90s, when anorexia was still not well known as it is today). It seems to me the author is proud of what she accomplished and at the time she wrote the book, probably still in love with her disorder.
The remainder of the book is about her time on the show Big Brother. Her recovery, at this phase in her life, was very glossed over. And I believe that is because she never truly recovered.
The epilogue of this book is what I liked best. She talks about her struggles since Big Brother and her relapse with anorexia.
I think anyone who is young should probably not read this book - I can see it to be triggering. If it had been out when I was young and in the beginning of my eating disorder, I know it would have triggered me.
But as an adult it just irritated me because as I said before, it just sounded like she was bragging.
July 15, 2016
After watching Nikki on Big Brother Canada, I fell in love with her silly nature and her freakouts. When I found out that she had written a book, I was expecting it to be a silly story or something, I never even guessed she had an eating disorder, especially a severe one.
I very rarely step out of my comfort zone and read a book like this, but I found myself curious of Nikki's history and decided to give her book a try.
This book is very well written and goes into lots of detail. Included in the book are pictures of Nikki when she was growing up, and the moments after she was released and trying to get healthy. The pictures really help you visualize how she looked exactly during her struggle with her weight, and her detail to the story makes you realize just how sick she really was.
My favourite part of the book, was once she got released. I loved reading about how different she felt and how she could never really shake her disease. Especially in the epilogue when we realize that she has checked herself in for help multiple times after her release, it just made her seem like a real person who has issues and not just the silly girl on TV.
While I do recommend this book to everyone who is interested in such a story, I would advise you not to read it if you've had eating disorders in the past or you see someone reading it who could have the potential of having an eating disorder. For the average person, we would read it and feel sad for Nikki and her past, but someone who could easily succumb to an eating disorder, I feel like this book might be a bit a challenge. The way its written is almost as if the character was bragging and challenging you to being skinnier than her (which is what Nikki was thinking at the age), so it might not be the safest read.
Hopefully you enjoy the book, and if you've watched and loved Nikki, you will definitely find her biography interesting.
Happy Reading,
Aneta
I very rarely step out of my comfort zone and read a book like this, but I found myself curious of Nikki's history and decided to give her book a try.
This book is very well written and goes into lots of detail. Included in the book are pictures of Nikki when she was growing up, and the moments after she was released and trying to get healthy. The pictures really help you visualize how she looked exactly during her struggle with her weight, and her detail to the story makes you realize just how sick she really was.
My favourite part of the book, was once she got released. I loved reading about how different she felt and how she could never really shake her disease. Especially in the epilogue when we realize that she has checked herself in for help multiple times after her release, it just made her seem like a real person who has issues and not just the silly girl on TV.
While I do recommend this book to everyone who is interested in such a story, I would advise you not to read it if you've had eating disorders in the past or you see someone reading it who could have the potential of having an eating disorder. For the average person, we would read it and feel sad for Nikki and her past, but someone who could easily succumb to an eating disorder, I feel like this book might be a bit a challenge. The way its written is almost as if the character was bragging and challenging you to being skinnier than her (which is what Nikki was thinking at the age), so it might not be the safest read.
Hopefully you enjoy the book, and if you've watched and loved Nikki, you will definitely find her biography interesting.
Happy Reading,
Aneta
August 12, 2013
Couldn't put this book down from day 1! Such a sad but inspirational story
May 18, 2023
looking back to the house at 37 stanley road before everything went wrong, it always seems to have been summer.
a truly saddening and extremely raw autobiography, detailing years upon years of suffering. there is rarely a moment in her life that seemed to be okay. nikki is honest about her actions, criticises some of her old behaviours or wrongdoings, and tries to rationalise why the things that happened, happened the way they did.
because, despite all the good things that have happened since, that ball of hurt and sadness of a little girl so incredibly alone remains buried inside me. and i think it will probably always be there.
reading this knowing that she eventually died of her anorexia in 2021, so very recently, makes the book feel so harrowing and tense, like hearing the words of a ghost, or knowing the end to a tragedy that the protagonist hasn't yet realised.
the following quote was the one that made me almost want to cry. in a recent documentary, nikki's mum talked about her last few months, and mentioned how the covid lockdown, and nikki not being able to visit the gym (although she did have an exercise bike in her flat) really affected her mentally.
i know i won't make myself sick again. the only danger is if for some reason i can't train as often as i want [...] there is no way i'll ever starve myself to death now as i enjoy life too much. i've seen how much there is for me out here and i want to remain a part of it.
a truly saddening and extremely raw autobiography, detailing years upon years of suffering. there is rarely a moment in her life that seemed to be okay. nikki is honest about her actions, criticises some of her old behaviours or wrongdoings, and tries to rationalise why the things that happened, happened the way they did.
because, despite all the good things that have happened since, that ball of hurt and sadness of a little girl so incredibly alone remains buried inside me. and i think it will probably always be there.
reading this knowing that she eventually died of her anorexia in 2021, so very recently, makes the book feel so harrowing and tense, like hearing the words of a ghost, or knowing the end to a tragedy that the protagonist hasn't yet realised.
the following quote was the one that made me almost want to cry. in a recent documentary, nikki's mum talked about her last few months, and mentioned how the covid lockdown, and nikki not being able to visit the gym (although she did have an exercise bike in her flat) really affected her mentally.
i know i won't make myself sick again. the only danger is if for some reason i can't train as often as i want [...] there is no way i'll ever starve myself to death now as i enjoy life too much. i've seen how much there is for me out here and i want to remain a part of it.
April 29, 2021
I believe the people who should read this are those who wish to understand just how pervasive and extreme an eating disorder can be, but I'm not sure I'd recommend it to anyone who's experienced one, unless they're in a very healthy state of mind, as the book is filled with triggers. This was a brave, heartbreaking story ultimately made even sadder by the author's tragic passing.
I hope you're free at last, Nikki.
I hope you're free at last, Nikki.
July 5, 2022
Such an honest account of a terrible illness that claimed the life of the author just over a year ago. Absolutely heartbreaking that the last paragraph of this book reads “I choose life…never give up hope� ❤️💭
August 24, 2021
Personally, I do not like to give any less than 5 stars for a real life account about something the author themselves has experienced.
This is the second (maybe even third) time reading Nikki's book and she is brutally honest about her experience with anorexia over years, from in-patient experiences to moments when she physically attacked family members when they tried to make her eat. For some readers, this honesty may make the book shocking or hard to read and for others, it may be something to relate to. I have such respect for the courage it would have taken to not only write this book and relive some of the worst moments and experiences of her life but to actually publish it for the world to read.
Some people may also view Nikki to be bragging about how serious her anorexia became and how thin and ill she was but this is simply how the disorder works. Nikki has managed to portray how the disorder makes you think through her writing style. The disorder did make her competitive and it did make her strive to be the best anorexic and the thinnest she could be and yes, there were times she outsmarted many doctors and was the best anorexic they had seen so far in their career and she was proud of that. She has written about those times in a way that allows the reader to see just how powerful the eating disorder can be, how much it alters your thinking processes and even allow some insight into her mental state at those times. She writes about how proud she was to out smart many, many doctors but when writing about those times, she uses past tense because that was the eating disorder talking, not her as she is no longer dominated by her eating disorder, she recognises that is not something to be proud of now.
I will no doubt re-read Nikki's book again at some point. However I do note that due to the brutal honesty of the book, it may be very triggering to those who have experiences with eating disorders and unfortunately, even helpful.
This is the second (maybe even third) time reading Nikki's book and she is brutally honest about her experience with anorexia over years, from in-patient experiences to moments when she physically attacked family members when they tried to make her eat. For some readers, this honesty may make the book shocking or hard to read and for others, it may be something to relate to. I have such respect for the courage it would have taken to not only write this book and relive some of the worst moments and experiences of her life but to actually publish it for the world to read.
Some people may also view Nikki to be bragging about how serious her anorexia became and how thin and ill she was but this is simply how the disorder works. Nikki has managed to portray how the disorder makes you think through her writing style. The disorder did make her competitive and it did make her strive to be the best anorexic and the thinnest she could be and yes, there were times she outsmarted many doctors and was the best anorexic they had seen so far in their career and she was proud of that. She has written about those times in a way that allows the reader to see just how powerful the eating disorder can be, how much it alters your thinking processes and even allow some insight into her mental state at those times. She writes about how proud she was to out smart many, many doctors but when writing about those times, she uses past tense because that was the eating disorder talking, not her as she is no longer dominated by her eating disorder, she recognises that is not something to be proud of now.
I will no doubt re-read Nikki's book again at some point. However I do note that due to the brutal honesty of the book, it may be very triggering to those who have experiences with eating disorders and unfortunately, even helpful.
April 15, 2015
Nikki Grahame's Fragile tells of the former big brother contestant's life long struggle with anorexia. As a former anorexia sufferer myself, I was interested to read another's detailed account. I found Nikki's story to be a harrowing and unflinching description of her illness and the impact her anorexia had on those closest to her. We often forget that serious illnesses do not affect only the sufferers but a whole circle of people close to them and it can be equally if not more devastating to them. I am unsure whether Fragile would immediately appeal to everyone aside from fans of Nikki Grahame however to any former sufferer of anorexia or indeed anyone who has suffered from a serious illness, you may find it a compelling read. My only concern with Fragile is that it may encourage those who are still suffering from anorexia to become more entrenched in their illness since there is an air of prideful competiveness when describing her eating disorder which I feel pervades throughout. I would also question how fully recovered Nikki is having seen recent photos of her looking very emaciated and therefore how qualified is she to speak of recovery and having overcome her disease; that aside, I was incredibly moved by Fragile and able to resonate with the vast majority of the book having gone through most of it myself.
October 28, 2018
This was such a sad story. Practically a whole childhood ruined by anorexia and stays in hospital.
Comparing this to eating disorder memoir Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, the only thing setting that apart from Nikki Grahame's story really was that it was more eloquently and shockingly written. In actual fact this was a much worse story. This wasn't teen angst -- Nikki was an 8 year old child who had just lost her beloved grandad whilst her parents were divorcing.
She wrote quite matter-of-factly, I thought, which probably helps prevent readers and other anorexia sufferers latching on to and romanticising the book as may otherwise be the case. There was no glamour here and, although there were some less-awful moments in her childhood, Nikki didn't idealise her situation.
I watched the Big Brother series with Nikki and she was my favourite housemate that year, as many people agreed. I remember there being headlines about her anorexia at the time, but I don't think anyone could have guessed it was this bad. Although I'm late to be reading this, Nikki has published a new update with this version which revealed that sadly anorexia is still part of her life and I believe it always will be.
Very brave to be so candid about her past and if it resonates with other sufferers then that can only be a good thing.
Comparing this to eating disorder memoir Wasted by Marya Hornbacher, the only thing setting that apart from Nikki Grahame's story really was that it was more eloquently and shockingly written. In actual fact this was a much worse story. This wasn't teen angst -- Nikki was an 8 year old child who had just lost her beloved grandad whilst her parents were divorcing.
She wrote quite matter-of-factly, I thought, which probably helps prevent readers and other anorexia sufferers latching on to and romanticising the book as may otherwise be the case. There was no glamour here and, although there were some less-awful moments in her childhood, Nikki didn't idealise her situation.
I watched the Big Brother series with Nikki and she was my favourite housemate that year, as many people agreed. I remember there being headlines about her anorexia at the time, but I don't think anyone could have guessed it was this bad. Although I'm late to be reading this, Nikki has published a new update with this version which revealed that sadly anorexia is still part of her life and I believe it always will be.
Very brave to be so candid about her past and if it resonates with other sufferers then that can only be a good thing.
May 29, 2024
Wow. Speechless.
August 26, 2014
I like alot of people remember NIkki Grahame from Big Brother and her who is she statememnt if it wasnt for that breakdown I i doubt she would have been so well remembered !!
I think Nikki gave an insight into anorexia but that is her story everyone who suffers from this will have a different story what interests me is the trigger points and how she was before and after her parents split everyone has an off/on switch with regards to stress and when a childs life begins to fall apart they want to have some control back and before they know were they are they are caught in the web of eating disorders and difficult to escape from I know because suffered from this for a few years in my teens more because felt had no control over my life !!
My life today is much happier than my teen years but would worry about someone reading this book if it might take them on the wrong path !!!
I think it is good that Nikki u has come out about this and come out the otherside but speaking from experience it never 100 % leaves you !!! umm need a biccy !!!
I think Nikki gave an insight into anorexia but that is her story everyone who suffers from this will have a different story what interests me is the trigger points and how she was before and after her parents split everyone has an off/on switch with regards to stress and when a childs life begins to fall apart they want to have some control back and before they know were they are they are caught in the web of eating disorders and difficult to escape from I know because suffered from this for a few years in my teens more because felt had no control over my life !!
My life today is much happier than my teen years but would worry about someone reading this book if it might take them on the wrong path !!!
I think it is good that Nikki u has come out about this and come out the otherside but speaking from experience it never 100 % leaves you !!! umm need a biccy !!!
June 18, 2016
What a story! I have read quite a few books about eating disorders & this one was the best. It was raw, real & in your face. I will admit, the competitive nature as her eating disorder was & the somewhat bragging about it could cause some triggers for some. Very quick read. A whole other side to Nikki Grahame than what we saw on Big Brother UK. The book put all of her tantrums & meltdowns into a new perspective.
April 9, 2016
This biography shows the extremes of an eating disorder and the manic emotions that go with it, the obsessive thinking, and how lost you get in it and how callous the medical society can be and how people just don't get it. It shows the truths of an eating disorder and the repercussions of living with an eating disorder.
January 16, 2017
Felt this book gave a good insight into what it would be like to have an eating disorder and how they think. Could not put it down. However as a mental health nurse i feel this would not be helpful in anyway and would be giving others with an eating disorder hints and tips due to the competitive nature of it.
Read
September 9, 2012i enjoyed this book and thought it was well written.
June 16, 2016
Most honest and moving autobiography i've ever read
March 3, 2014
When you read this book, Nikki is nothing like the girl on Big Brother...
April 15, 2021
The book ‘Fragile� is a terrifying testament to the power of the subconscious mind. A power that strangely goes unacknowledged by Nikki despite her many years of therapy. Reading it was all the more poignant knowing that she eventually lost her battle to live.
I have no formal training in psychology, but I’m fascinated by how very early childhood experiences are absorbed by infants like ink into blotting paper and often remain unseen - like a permanent stain - throughout their lives.
Nikki only briefly describes her first years, saying that her older sister Natalie was jealous of her from the moment she was born. ‘The unspoken agreement in the house was that Natalie had Mum, and I had Dad.� I believe this is what lies at the core of her future tormented life. Babies and toddlers need the unconditional love and validation of their primary caretaker which in this case was her mother.
Nikki tells us that as a small girl she ran around after her father who was mostly away at work, presumably seeking from him the love and approval she so desperately wanted from her mother. Deep in her inner psyche she felt abandoned by her Mum, and to me, that would explain her constant need as she grew older to earn her mother’s love by being the ‘best�. She often talks of achieving and winning as being the driving power in her life.
The tragic thing about children is that they always blame themselves for their parents� mistakes. In her mind, her Mum loved Natalie more so she had to PROVE she was worthy of her love. That quest started out as striving to be the best in her gymnastics club and ended up by her striving to be the thinnest in the club in order to BE the best.
Her mother isn’t to blame � she had a dysfunctional upbringing too � but the fact is that a child deprived of unconditional maternal love doesn’t develop an intrinsic sense of self-worth and that can quickly lead to self-loathing. This is evident throughout the book with poor, damaged Nikki insisting that she was a ‘brat�, a ‘loser�, ‘tricky�, ‘tantrummy� and ‘mean�. And she keeps reiterating how she tortured her parents with her anorexia.
Children soak up what they are told by their parents like sponges and deep down believe that they are always the ones at fault when adults invalidate them. Being at fault means trying to fix yourself.
Nikki talks about not eating as being her way of taking back control in a world that was falling apart as her parents� marriage fell apart. But the sad fact is that she was already being controlled by her almighty subconscious programming, a powerful voice that repeatedly told her she had to EARN love by being perfect. To earn it by pleasing, by being skinny when her slim mother valued thinness and her father shamed her by calling her Fatso and Lump.
The early programming of her mind was a personality adaptation to ensure she got the nurture she needed to survive as a helpless infant. But ironically, it ended up almost killing her as a child of nine when it instructed her not to eat or drink for almost a week. As I say, the power of that programming is terrifying.
Eating disorders are now known to frequently be a symptom of an underlying personality disorder. I only know what Nikki writes in her book, but it seems to me that she may well have had Borderline Personality Disorder, evidenced by her mood swings from euphoria to depression, her self-harming by biting, slapping and stabbing herself with a fork, her suicidal tendencies, her lack of self-worth, her difficulty controlling intense anger and her fear of abandonment. All classic signs of BPD.
I kept turning the pages of the book thinking that at some point, surely, she would mention how the doctors, therapists and psychiatrists, or even her parents, would attempt to address the root of the mental illness she was suffering from instead of simply force feeding her to keep her alive.
But that never happened.
It’s so ironic that deep down all she wanted was her mother’s approval and yet that poor, long-suffering woman was angered and saddened beyond belief at having to watch her beloved daughter trying to starve herself to death.
When Nikki applied to be on Big Brother (impulsivity being another sign of BPD) she subconsciously believed her success on the show had finally won her that maternal approval. But celebrities fade and so the monster in her mind took over again, telling her to keep up the fatal fight.
She was torn in two by her logical brain that told her she should get better, marry a nice man and adopt a child and the booming voice deep inside her head that starved her and drove her into the arms of a succession of abusive men.
Having read the book in almost one sitting I was incredibly impressed by Nikki's raw honesty but also saddened by her lack of awareness that she WAS unaware. But then that too is one of the hallmarks of harmful personal adaptations. I hope that her book WILL bring awareness to others suffering from similar internal demons and help them find a way to heal. Rest in Peace Nikki.
I have no formal training in psychology, but I’m fascinated by how very early childhood experiences are absorbed by infants like ink into blotting paper and often remain unseen - like a permanent stain - throughout their lives.
Nikki only briefly describes her first years, saying that her older sister Natalie was jealous of her from the moment she was born. ‘The unspoken agreement in the house was that Natalie had Mum, and I had Dad.� I believe this is what lies at the core of her future tormented life. Babies and toddlers need the unconditional love and validation of their primary caretaker which in this case was her mother.
Nikki tells us that as a small girl she ran around after her father who was mostly away at work, presumably seeking from him the love and approval she so desperately wanted from her mother. Deep in her inner psyche she felt abandoned by her Mum, and to me, that would explain her constant need as she grew older to earn her mother’s love by being the ‘best�. She often talks of achieving and winning as being the driving power in her life.
The tragic thing about children is that they always blame themselves for their parents� mistakes. In her mind, her Mum loved Natalie more so she had to PROVE she was worthy of her love. That quest started out as striving to be the best in her gymnastics club and ended up by her striving to be the thinnest in the club in order to BE the best.
Her mother isn’t to blame � she had a dysfunctional upbringing too � but the fact is that a child deprived of unconditional maternal love doesn’t develop an intrinsic sense of self-worth and that can quickly lead to self-loathing. This is evident throughout the book with poor, damaged Nikki insisting that she was a ‘brat�, a ‘loser�, ‘tricky�, ‘tantrummy� and ‘mean�. And she keeps reiterating how she tortured her parents with her anorexia.
Children soak up what they are told by their parents like sponges and deep down believe that they are always the ones at fault when adults invalidate them. Being at fault means trying to fix yourself.
Nikki talks about not eating as being her way of taking back control in a world that was falling apart as her parents� marriage fell apart. But the sad fact is that she was already being controlled by her almighty subconscious programming, a powerful voice that repeatedly told her she had to EARN love by being perfect. To earn it by pleasing, by being skinny when her slim mother valued thinness and her father shamed her by calling her Fatso and Lump.
The early programming of her mind was a personality adaptation to ensure she got the nurture she needed to survive as a helpless infant. But ironically, it ended up almost killing her as a child of nine when it instructed her not to eat or drink for almost a week. As I say, the power of that programming is terrifying.
Eating disorders are now known to frequently be a symptom of an underlying personality disorder. I only know what Nikki writes in her book, but it seems to me that she may well have had Borderline Personality Disorder, evidenced by her mood swings from euphoria to depression, her self-harming by biting, slapping and stabbing herself with a fork, her suicidal tendencies, her lack of self-worth, her difficulty controlling intense anger and her fear of abandonment. All classic signs of BPD.
I kept turning the pages of the book thinking that at some point, surely, she would mention how the doctors, therapists and psychiatrists, or even her parents, would attempt to address the root of the mental illness she was suffering from instead of simply force feeding her to keep her alive.
But that never happened.
It’s so ironic that deep down all she wanted was her mother’s approval and yet that poor, long-suffering woman was angered and saddened beyond belief at having to watch her beloved daughter trying to starve herself to death.
When Nikki applied to be on Big Brother (impulsivity being another sign of BPD) she subconsciously believed her success on the show had finally won her that maternal approval. But celebrities fade and so the monster in her mind took over again, telling her to keep up the fatal fight.
She was torn in two by her logical brain that told her she should get better, marry a nice man and adopt a child and the booming voice deep inside her head that starved her and drove her into the arms of a succession of abusive men.
Having read the book in almost one sitting I was incredibly impressed by Nikki's raw honesty but also saddened by her lack of awareness that she WAS unaware. But then that too is one of the hallmarks of harmful personal adaptations. I hope that her book WILL bring awareness to others suffering from similar internal demons and help them find a way to heal. Rest in Peace Nikki.
March 28, 2024
Firstly, this book is immensely triggering for anyone suffering from anorexia , OCD or really for a lot of disorders. It’s an uncomfortable read throughout, particularly reading with the knowledge that Nikki died in 2021 with a BMI of just 10.
I think Big Brother 2006 was the first civilian series I properly watched; to give context, it came after the fantastic celebrity series with Pete Burns and George Galloway (would you like me to be the cat now?) and it was back when BB had the power over the tabloids and the reality world. It was also the last series before the 2007 race row , which undoubtably began the end for BB. Therefore, Nikki got a lot of attention throughout her series; due to her tantrums and general personality. She was evicted around half way through , but due to her general popularity, she was brought back in the house with eligibility to win - something which caused a lot of outrage at the time. She didn’t win, but she remained closely affiliated to BB throughout her life - this edition touches upon her uncomfortable experience in Ultimate Big Brother , which I had no idea about! But she also appeared on the Canada edition, and that terrible C5 series with Helen Wood and Brian Belo �
Anyway, I mainly read this book due to being familiar with Nikki from BB , but the book is really not about that at all - The main bulk of this book is Nikki soeaking on her experiences in various hospitals and units from a very early age. She is very honest about her mindset throughout her childhood , and doesn’t shy away from mentioning details which paint her in a less than ideal light.
The book is desperately sad and the epilogue in this updated version in particular shows Nikki has not recovered. A few reviews have touched on the self-congratulatory nature of the book; her winning against the system by hiding food etc, and while I do agree - I don’t feel qualified as someone who hasn’t read a lot of experiences of anorexia , or dealt with it myself, to comment on this. Likewise, I did at parts find Nikki a difficult person to root for - what she put her friends and family through ,but it’s important to remember it’s not her being selfish - it was her awful illness. She goes in a lot of detail, which concerns me that it may become a help guide for some, but then I’m sure it’s nothing which can’t be found on the internet for desperate people.
Going back to BB , I’ve always believed Big Brother saved Nikki - it gave her something to focus on, a career and you only have to watch her last ever diary room appearance to know she loved that show with every fibre. On reading this, I’m not so sure anymore - we know she kept quiet during the selection process , but it sounds like there were red flags that should have made production give her more support , particularly for Ultimate BB which was in 2010; long after BB’s fall from grace. I suppose this is denying Nikki her agency though, she had free will to go on that show and it is possible her relapse would have happened without BB - in fact, very little detail is actually given on her recovery or what she was doing between 18-24.
In conclusion, a very emotional read which I would urge people to be careful before choosing to read , but ultimately I am very glad I did to understand more of Nikki’s past.
I think Big Brother 2006 was the first civilian series I properly watched; to give context, it came after the fantastic celebrity series with Pete Burns and George Galloway (would you like me to be the cat now?) and it was back when BB had the power over the tabloids and the reality world. It was also the last series before the 2007 race row , which undoubtably began the end for BB. Therefore, Nikki got a lot of attention throughout her series; due to her tantrums and general personality. She was evicted around half way through , but due to her general popularity, she was brought back in the house with eligibility to win - something which caused a lot of outrage at the time. She didn’t win, but she remained closely affiliated to BB throughout her life - this edition touches upon her uncomfortable experience in Ultimate Big Brother , which I had no idea about! But she also appeared on the Canada edition, and that terrible C5 series with Helen Wood and Brian Belo �
Anyway, I mainly read this book due to being familiar with Nikki from BB , but the book is really not about that at all - The main bulk of this book is Nikki soeaking on her experiences in various hospitals and units from a very early age. She is very honest about her mindset throughout her childhood , and doesn’t shy away from mentioning details which paint her in a less than ideal light.
The book is desperately sad and the epilogue in this updated version in particular shows Nikki has not recovered. A few reviews have touched on the self-congratulatory nature of the book; her winning against the system by hiding food etc, and while I do agree - I don’t feel qualified as someone who hasn’t read a lot of experiences of anorexia , or dealt with it myself, to comment on this. Likewise, I did at parts find Nikki a difficult person to root for - what she put her friends and family through ,but it’s important to remember it’s not her being selfish - it was her awful illness. She goes in a lot of detail, which concerns me that it may become a help guide for some, but then I’m sure it’s nothing which can’t be found on the internet for desperate people.
Going back to BB , I’ve always believed Big Brother saved Nikki - it gave her something to focus on, a career and you only have to watch her last ever diary room appearance to know she loved that show with every fibre. On reading this, I’m not so sure anymore - we know she kept quiet during the selection process , but it sounds like there were red flags that should have made production give her more support , particularly for Ultimate BB which was in 2010; long after BB’s fall from grace. I suppose this is denying Nikki her agency though, she had free will to go on that show and it is possible her relapse would have happened without BB - in fact, very little detail is actually given on her recovery or what she was doing between 18-24.
In conclusion, a very emotional read which I would urge people to be careful before choosing to read , but ultimately I am very glad I did to understand more of Nikki’s past.
October 4, 2022
Sooo, I did some research after reading this book and I discovered that the author has passed away from Anorexia.
This makes this review more delicate, but after reading this book, I was so full of anger. I read a lot of eating disorder memoirs, mainly on anorexia because for a long time, it seemed like anorexia and bulimia were the only two eating disorders that mattered, in fact the only two that were officially recognised by the AMA. Thankfully, that has changed and we now have categories and sub categories of eating disorders. I have one of those other categories so I believe I am quite equipped to write this review.
First, I want to say that eating disorders are horrible, regardless of the one you have. Although, some are "considered" more dangerous than other ED.
This book confirms the above. This read was so harrowing. I had to stop several times because it was so intense. Part of me knew how Nikki felt and part of me wanted to smack her upside the head.
Anorexia hits in a very particular manner ----- many (not all) seem to share common traits. They are totally proud of their anorexia and almost wear it as a badge of honor. They throw horrible tantrums and often have to be physically held down. This book has so much of that. Nikki was quite brave in sharing her story so honestly. Addicts are quite selfish (I know I can be) but I have never read a book with so much of it. While smack in the middle of her ED and as Nikki proudly plotted on yet more clever ways to "hide" food, her entire family and friends were dealing with the emotions and the fallout - both things that Nikki did not recognize for many years.
As soon as I was diagnosed with my ED, I immediately started looking for recovery because I could not live the way I was living as it was so bad for my body. Even now, I spend countless hours working my recovery. I share this because the most angering part of this book is the fact that Nikki was so PROUD. Recovery never even enters her mind well into her addict career as an active user.
Recovery is so hard, but it seems that many people who suffer from ED, especially anorexics do not want to let go of their addiction, whereas I couldn't wait to get rid of mine. Mind you, its never rally gone, hence the need to work a program of recovery. In fact, when Nikki does FINALLY ask for help, you can see how many times she comes close to relapsing and unfortunately seemed to relapse one final time.
The way she talked to those around her - my mother would have made sure I only said it once before washing my mouth with soap! (so not kidding).
Finally, one of the side effects of this book is to point out how, despite so many people having ED, finding qualified places to go to recover is harrowing and Nikki's story so clearly shows us this and it is still a problem.
Nikki's writing was honest and touched me deeply and when I tried to look her up and learned that she had passed, it just made it all even more horrible.
I hope she has found some peace and I recommend this book to people dealing with eating disorders.
RIP Nikki.
This makes this review more delicate, but after reading this book, I was so full of anger. I read a lot of eating disorder memoirs, mainly on anorexia because for a long time, it seemed like anorexia and bulimia were the only two eating disorders that mattered, in fact the only two that were officially recognised by the AMA. Thankfully, that has changed and we now have categories and sub categories of eating disorders. I have one of those other categories so I believe I am quite equipped to write this review.
First, I want to say that eating disorders are horrible, regardless of the one you have. Although, some are "considered" more dangerous than other ED.
This book confirms the above. This read was so harrowing. I had to stop several times because it was so intense. Part of me knew how Nikki felt and part of me wanted to smack her upside the head.
Anorexia hits in a very particular manner ----- many (not all) seem to share common traits. They are totally proud of their anorexia and almost wear it as a badge of honor. They throw horrible tantrums and often have to be physically held down. This book has so much of that. Nikki was quite brave in sharing her story so honestly. Addicts are quite selfish (I know I can be) but I have never read a book with so much of it. While smack in the middle of her ED and as Nikki proudly plotted on yet more clever ways to "hide" food, her entire family and friends were dealing with the emotions and the fallout - both things that Nikki did not recognize for many years.
As soon as I was diagnosed with my ED, I immediately started looking for recovery because I could not live the way I was living as it was so bad for my body. Even now, I spend countless hours working my recovery. I share this because the most angering part of this book is the fact that Nikki was so PROUD. Recovery never even enters her mind well into her addict career as an active user.
Recovery is so hard, but it seems that many people who suffer from ED, especially anorexics do not want to let go of their addiction, whereas I couldn't wait to get rid of mine. Mind you, its never rally gone, hence the need to work a program of recovery. In fact, when Nikki does FINALLY ask for help, you can see how many times she comes close to relapsing and unfortunately seemed to relapse one final time.
The way she talked to those around her - my mother would have made sure I only said it once before washing my mouth with soap! (so not kidding).
Finally, one of the side effects of this book is to point out how, despite so many people having ED, finding qualified places to go to recover is harrowing and Nikki's story so clearly shows us this and it is still a problem.
Nikki's writing was honest and touched me deeply and when I tried to look her up and learned that she had passed, it just made it all even more horrible.
I hope she has found some peace and I recommend this book to people dealing with eating disorders.
RIP Nikki.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 5, 2024
Having recently watched the documentary Channel 4 made to celebrate the life of Nikki (Nikki Grahame: Who Is She?) I really wanted to read her story some more and to educate myself more on anorexia and eating disorders.
I read her first book ‘Dying to be Thin� years ago and I didn’t realise ‘Fragile� was simply an updated version with a further chapter, whoops! Nevertheless, it served as an interesting read and reminder.
While her story is shocking, the reality of her experience is one which will be felt by many people, as an understanding of eating disorders becomes clearer throughout society.
I really liked that this was necessarily an autobiography in the event of fame and fortune. Nikki’s purpose was to raise awareness and tell her story from both her angle - and those within her family. She lays bare the trauma the illness inflicted onto her family and how it left her parents and sister struggling to cope with the constant worry and how they exhausted every avenue possible.
But most of all, Nikki wanted to provide hope from this book. Hope to anyone suffering or to anyone watching someone suffer. By laying bare the very harsh truth of how she’d suffered - but managed to get better, she was providing a glimmer of light that life can get better. Of course it’s even more poignant given how she lost her battle due to complications of the illness in the end; but her bravery shines in this book.
It’s an incredibly powerful story and deeply moving and upsetting. It is however an important story of a woman coming to terms with serious illness, and using her platform to speak out and help others who are suffering. Nikki and her legacy will not be forgotten.
I read her first book ‘Dying to be Thin� years ago and I didn’t realise ‘Fragile� was simply an updated version with a further chapter, whoops! Nevertheless, it served as an interesting read and reminder.
While her story is shocking, the reality of her experience is one which will be felt by many people, as an understanding of eating disorders becomes clearer throughout society.
I really liked that this was necessarily an autobiography in the event of fame and fortune. Nikki’s purpose was to raise awareness and tell her story from both her angle - and those within her family. She lays bare the trauma the illness inflicted onto her family and how it left her parents and sister struggling to cope with the constant worry and how they exhausted every avenue possible.
But most of all, Nikki wanted to provide hope from this book. Hope to anyone suffering or to anyone watching someone suffer. By laying bare the very harsh truth of how she’d suffered - but managed to get better, she was providing a glimmer of light that life can get better. Of course it’s even more poignant given how she lost her battle due to complications of the illness in the end; but her bravery shines in this book.
It’s an incredibly powerful story and deeply moving and upsetting. It is however an important story of a woman coming to terms with serious illness, and using her platform to speak out and help others who are suffering. Nikki and her legacy will not be forgotten.
July 3, 2022
This was a hard read. Nikki seemed like such a sweet person underneath it all, and my heart breaks for her family having read the back story.
Fairly well written, which surprised me somewhat. The only thing that I would point out is that this book could be very triggering for those in similar situations - often she seems to be driving home the point that she considered herself "the best anorexic" and reiterating how little she ate, while going into step by step (at at times overly graphic) detail about how she avoided food at all costs while in treatment.. at times it came across as competitive, and a little skite-y (which I know are by-products of the disorder, I only mention it because it can be triggering).
All in all, a good read. She explained herself well, and you got a real sense of who she was throughout the book. Absolutely heartbreaking to read it years after it was published, and finding out she later succumbed to her illness.
Fairly well written, which surprised me somewhat. The only thing that I would point out is that this book could be very triggering for those in similar situations - often she seems to be driving home the point that she considered herself "the best anorexic" and reiterating how little she ate, while going into step by step (at at times overly graphic) detail about how she avoided food at all costs while in treatment.. at times it came across as competitive, and a little skite-y (which I know are by-products of the disorder, I only mention it because it can be triggering).
All in all, a good read. She explained herself well, and you got a real sense of who she was throughout the book. Absolutely heartbreaking to read it years after it was published, and finding out she later succumbed to her illness.
April 15, 2021
Oh wow.
For the past few months, I've mostly read true crime serial killer books, but none of them could have prepared me of the shocking story in this book. Phew. It was a hard read, and more than once I thought to myself "How ill can someone's mind be to make them even refuse water because it'll make them weigh more for not even a long time?" I'm suffering on and off from a form of ED myself, but I never could imagine being the way Nikki was - and at just 8 years old already! It was a heartbreaking read, but so, so informative, and I could not put it away for more than one night when I was sleeping.
It's horrible Nikki's illness won in the end when lockdown hit her hard, but I hope that wherever she is, she doesn't have to struggle anymore. Rest in Peace, Nikki, thank you for this amazing, heartwrenching book.
For the past few months, I've mostly read true crime serial killer books, but none of them could have prepared me of the shocking story in this book. Phew. It was a hard read, and more than once I thought to myself "How ill can someone's mind be to make them even refuse water because it'll make them weigh more for not even a long time?" I'm suffering on and off from a form of ED myself, but I never could imagine being the way Nikki was - and at just 8 years old already! It was a heartbreaking read, but so, so informative, and I could not put it away for more than one night when I was sleeping.
It's horrible Nikki's illness won in the end when lockdown hit her hard, but I hope that wherever she is, she doesn't have to struggle anymore. Rest in Peace, Nikki, thank you for this amazing, heartwrenching book.
August 19, 2021
Not well edited. A nightmarish memoir cataloging numerous stays at different inpatient facilities where each chapter ends with ‘I won� (I refused to eat and they didn’t make me/get me to/I gamed the system). It’s truly ironic that Grahame closes the book with two seminal comments - a friend tells her � it’s not all about you Nikki� - which throws her into her next bout of depression and her recounting her therapist telling her that anorexia is a slow form of suicide.
Grahame wrote this book, perhaps, to confront her demons. At age 38, dying one day after being released from a rehab facility for ED treatment, and at 66 lbs, her demons won. In her book she claims she wanted to be the ‘best anorexic.� Tragically, she was. Not a fun read, not insightful into this terrible disease. Just sad, and very empty.
Grahame wrote this book, perhaps, to confront her demons. At age 38, dying one day after being released from a rehab facility for ED treatment, and at 66 lbs, her demons won. In her book she claims she wanted to be the ‘best anorexic.� Tragically, she was. Not a fun read, not insightful into this terrible disease. Just sad, and very empty.
April 19, 2021
TW for review: eating disorders
TW for book: eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, abusive relationships, self harm
This autobiography tells the story of Nikki's battle with anorexia from childhood into adulthood. Its deeply personal, and really feels like a friend is talking to you. Its a desperately sad story of a child trying to find control when the life that she knew came crashing down, and how the emotional comfort that controlling her food intake never really left her.
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder. There was definitely a sense of the present tense in the way Nikki talked about her relationship to her ED, even the highs of her TV career chronicled in the final chapters were touched by it.
TW for book: eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, abusive relationships, self harm
This autobiography tells the story of Nikki's battle with anorexia from childhood into adulthood. Its deeply personal, and really feels like a friend is talking to you. Its a desperately sad story of a child trying to find control when the life that she knew came crashing down, and how the emotional comfort that controlling her food intake never really left her.
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder. There was definitely a sense of the present tense in the way Nikki talked about her relationship to her ED, even the highs of her TV career chronicled in the final chapters were touched by it.
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