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Waiting for First Light: My Ongoing Battle with PTSD
Longlisted for the RBC Taylor Prize: In this piercing memoir, Rom�o Dallaire, retired general and former senator, the author of the bestsellers Shake Hands with the Devil andThey Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children, and one of the world's leading humanitarians, delves deep into his life since the Rwandan genocide.
At the heart of Waiting for First Light is a no-holds-barred self-portrait of a top political and military figure whose nights are invaded by despair, but who at first light faces the day with the renewed desire to make a difference in the world.
Rom�o Dallaire, traumatized by witnessing genocide on an imponderable scale in Rwanda, reflects in these pages on the nature of PTSD and the impact of that deep wound on his life since 1994, and on how he motivates himself and others to humanitarian work despite his constant struggle. Though he had been a leader in peace and in war at all levels up to deputy commander of the Canadian Army, his PTSD led to his medical dismissal from the Canadian Forces in April 2000, a blow that almost killed him. But he crawled out of the hole he fell into after he had to take off the uniform, and he has been inspiring people to give their all to multiple missions ever since, from ending genocide to eradicating the use of child soldiers to revolutionizing officer training so that our soldiers can better deal with the muddy reality of modern conflict zones and to revolutionizing our thinking about the changing nature of conflict itself.
His new book is as compelling and original an account of suffering and endurance as Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking and William Styron's Darkness Visible.
At the heart of Waiting for First Light is a no-holds-barred self-portrait of a top political and military figure whose nights are invaded by despair, but who at first light faces the day with the renewed desire to make a difference in the world.
Rom�o Dallaire, traumatized by witnessing genocide on an imponderable scale in Rwanda, reflects in these pages on the nature of PTSD and the impact of that deep wound on his life since 1994, and on how he motivates himself and others to humanitarian work despite his constant struggle. Though he had been a leader in peace and in war at all levels up to deputy commander of the Canadian Army, his PTSD led to his medical dismissal from the Canadian Forces in April 2000, a blow that almost killed him. But he crawled out of the hole he fell into after he had to take off the uniform, and he has been inspiring people to give their all to multiple missions ever since, from ending genocide to eradicating the use of child soldiers to revolutionizing officer training so that our soldiers can better deal with the muddy reality of modern conflict zones and to revolutionizing our thinking about the changing nature of conflict itself.
His new book is as compelling and original an account of suffering and endurance as Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking and William Styron's Darkness Visible.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published October 25, 2016
36 people are currently reading
1230 people want to read
About the author
Roméo Dallaire
22books219followersLieutenant-General The Honourable Roméo A. Dallaire, O.C., C.M.M., G.O.C, M.S.C., C.D., (Retired), Senator, has had a distinguished career in the Canadian military, achieving the rank of Lieutenant-General and becoming Assistant Deputy Minister (Human Resources) in the Department of National Defence in 1998. In 1994, General Dallaire commanded the United Nations Assistance Mission for Rwanda (UNAMIR).
His book on his experiences in Rwanda, entitled Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda, was awarded the Governor General's Literary Award for Non-Fiction in 2004.
It has garnered numerous international literary awards, and is the basis of a full-length feature film released in September 2007.
Since his retirement from the military, Senator Dallaire has worked to bring an understanding of post-traumatic stress disorder to the general public. He has also been a visiting lecturer at several Canadian and American universities, and has written several articles and chapters in publications on conflict resolution, humanitarian assistance and human rights. While a Fellow of the Carr Center for Human Rights Policy, Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University, he pursued research on conflict resolution and the use of child soldiers.
As a champion of human rights his activities include:
* Advocacy for the Canadian Forces mission to Afghanistan;
* Speaking engagements on issues relating to human rights and genocide prevention;
* A Senior Fellowship at Concordia University's Montreal Institute of Genocide Studies;
* Membership in the United Nations Secretary General's Advisory Committee on Genocide Prevention;
* Leadership in a project to develop a conceptual base for the elimination of the use of child soldiers;
* Leadership in activities aimed at the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons.
His book on his experiences in Rwanda, entitled Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda, was awarded the Governor General's Literary Award for Non-Fiction in 2004.
It has garnered numerous international literary awards, and is the basis of a full-length feature film released in September 2007.
Since his retirement from the military, Senator Dallaire has worked to bring an understanding of post-traumatic stress disorder to the general public. He has also been a visiting lecturer at several Canadian and American universities, and has written several articles and chapters in publications on conflict resolution, humanitarian assistance and human rights. While a Fellow of the Carr Center for Human Rights Policy, Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University, he pursued research on conflict resolution and the use of child soldiers.
As a champion of human rights his activities include:
* Advocacy for the Canadian Forces mission to Afghanistan;
* Speaking engagements on issues relating to human rights and genocide prevention;
* A Senior Fellowship at Concordia University's Montreal Institute of Genocide Studies;
* Membership in the United Nations Secretary General's Advisory Committee on Genocide Prevention;
* Leadership in a project to develop a conceptual base for the elimination of the use of child soldiers;
* Leadership in activities aimed at the non-proliferation of nuclear weapons.
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February 7, 2017
A piercing memoir
Most of us are well acquainted with Roméo Dallaire (especially Canadians) and how he devoted his heart and soul to his work. This former Canadian senator, humanitarian and lieutenant-general who was the military commander of the UN during the Rwanda genocide in 1994 reminds us in his account how he will seek to explore what the events have done to him since he came back. The genocide is fully described in an early book “Shake Hands with the Devil� and a subsequent book “They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children� are a must to read.
In “Waiting for First Light�, Mr. Dallaire takes us from the point he was relieved from his command through his released from the Forces on medical ground (PTSD) in 2000 till today as a civilian. He also served from 2005-2015 as a Liberal senator and how he tried desperately to influence the ways Veteran Affairs operates�.and impossible task he later confirmed�.
Traumatized by witnessing genocide his nights are invaded by despair and nightmare he simply couldn’t sleep. In 1994 no one saw PTSD for what it was. At any moment he was pitched into a living memory back in Rwanda. He struggled day and night with visons. His mental and emotional anguish lead him on a path to alcohol abuse, overeating and many suicide attempts. Although his PTSD left untreated for too long became permanent but with medication and therapy he managed to push forward the many causes he had at heart and helped to comfort the others walking a similar path. He has risen from the depths and returned as an inspiration.
This book is quite an emotional journey: sad, heartbreaking and soul-wrenching. It is terrible to know that the Canadian government and military authorities do not recognize the negative impact PTSD has on its service personal and are slow they are to provide all the help needed. Well maybe there is hope things will change�..
Most of us are well acquainted with Roméo Dallaire (especially Canadians) and how he devoted his heart and soul to his work. This former Canadian senator, humanitarian and lieutenant-general who was the military commander of the UN during the Rwanda genocide in 1994 reminds us in his account how he will seek to explore what the events have done to him since he came back. The genocide is fully described in an early book “Shake Hands with the Devil� and a subsequent book “They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children� are a must to read.
In “Waiting for First Light�, Mr. Dallaire takes us from the point he was relieved from his command through his released from the Forces on medical ground (PTSD) in 2000 till today as a civilian. He also served from 2005-2015 as a Liberal senator and how he tried desperately to influence the ways Veteran Affairs operates�.and impossible task he later confirmed�.
Traumatized by witnessing genocide his nights are invaded by despair and nightmare he simply couldn’t sleep. In 1994 no one saw PTSD for what it was. At any moment he was pitched into a living memory back in Rwanda. He struggled day and night with visons. His mental and emotional anguish lead him on a path to alcohol abuse, overeating and many suicide attempts. Although his PTSD left untreated for too long became permanent but with medication and therapy he managed to push forward the many causes he had at heart and helped to comfort the others walking a similar path. He has risen from the depths and returned as an inspiration.
This book is quite an emotional journey: sad, heartbreaking and soul-wrenching. It is terrible to know that the Canadian government and military authorities do not recognize the negative impact PTSD has on its service personal and are slow they are to provide all the help needed. Well maybe there is hope things will change�..
September 2, 2020
Romeo Dallaire, a Canadian, served as the commander of U.N. forces in Rwanda during the genocide in 1994 (see also his book ). Since then he has been suffering unremitting guilt for what happened. He has PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) � and it will stay with him relentlessly for what he witnessed in Rwanda. He feels extreme guilt for what occurred under his watch. The guilt being helpless for not saving people � the failure of his mission. As one can imagine this is a very intense, personal and compelling book.
It describes his long arduous journey � his relentless schedule, his constant flashbacks reliving Rwanda, visits to psychiatrists, his medications, his inability to sleep�
Page 90
This extreme horror had finally made itself known to me, burrowing up from whatever part of my brain in which I’d hidden it. It invaded me, and I could not get away from it. It was there, inside me, every time I closed my eyes. I didn’t have to find a way to replicate the horror: I carried those indelible images inside me.
� I wanted the horror to crash my brain…causing a complete shutdown
Page 172
Rwanda will never end and I will never be free. I know there is no remedy for what I saw, what I did and did not do, during those three months of hell. There are no painkillers for the angst, the guilt, and the excruciating vividness of that time and place� Each night I take my pills, and try to sleep with the hope that I will not awaken again amidst the roaming souls who still wander the hills of Rwanda, asking me to join them.
This is a book about extreme torment, so beware.
It describes his long arduous journey � his relentless schedule, his constant flashbacks reliving Rwanda, visits to psychiatrists, his medications, his inability to sleep�
Page 90
This extreme horror had finally made itself known to me, burrowing up from whatever part of my brain in which I’d hidden it. It invaded me, and I could not get away from it. It was there, inside me, every time I closed my eyes. I didn’t have to find a way to replicate the horror: I carried those indelible images inside me.
� I wanted the horror to crash my brain…causing a complete shutdown
Page 172
Rwanda will never end and I will never be free. I know there is no remedy for what I saw, what I did and did not do, during those three months of hell. There are no painkillers for the angst, the guilt, and the excruciating vividness of that time and place� Each night I take my pills, and try to sleep with the hope that I will not awaken again amidst the roaming souls who still wander the hills of Rwanda, asking me to join them.
This is a book about extreme torment, so beware.
February 19, 2017
Rwanda will never end and I will never be free. I know there is no remedy for what I saw, what I did and did not do, during those three months of hell. There are no painkillers for the angst, the guilt, and the excruciating vividness of that time and place. The annual ritual of Rwanda in its foulest of times is the curse of the survivor.
Each night I take my pills, and try to sleep with the hope that I will not awaken again amidst the roaming souls who still wander the hills of Rwanda, asking me to join them.
In his latest memoir, retired Canadian general and senator, Romeo Dallaire describes his twenty year battle with post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) and his tireless efforts to bring the Rwandan Genocide, the plight of child soldiers, and mental health support to Canadian military personnel to the eyes and ears of his reading audience. Those who have read Dallaire's previous books or listened to his interviews can expect the same blunt honesty. Critical of those who were in charge of the United Nations and the Canadian government, this is not an easy book to read.
Each page had me sobbing and I hope those of you will forgive me because I am still reeling from the impact from 184 pages. See, in Canada, you either know someone in uniform or you don't. Born and raised in the Maritime provinces, I can list the number of men(and women) that I am related to or sat in high school or university classes with or invited to speak to my students on November 11th that have served or are still serving our nation in uniform. All of them have dealt with their service in one way or another. When Dallaire lashes out in his book about military cutbacks in the mid-90's, I once again mourn the closure of my community air force base and saying goodbye to a number of classmates as their fathers were re-assigned or "retired" because of government reduction.
Often I see critics claiming that an author has bared their "soul" to the reading audience and in this memoir it certainly rings true. One sentence uttered by Dallaire continues to play over and over again in my mind like a record, Are all humans[human? Or are some humans more human than others? [book:Waiting for First Light: My Ongoing Battle with PTSD|29236272] is such a powerful book, one which deeply moved me and educated me. PTSD is something that Romeo Dallaire wants us all to understand, that it isn't going to go away. It is also something that must be discussed, no matter how painful of a subject it is. We must treat our veterans as soldiers throughout their lives, and give them and their families the care they need for the rest of their lives.
Each night I take my pills, and try to sleep with the hope that I will not awaken again amidst the roaming souls who still wander the hills of Rwanda, asking me to join them.
In his latest memoir, retired Canadian general and senator, Romeo Dallaire describes his twenty year battle with post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) and his tireless efforts to bring the Rwandan Genocide, the plight of child soldiers, and mental health support to Canadian military personnel to the eyes and ears of his reading audience. Those who have read Dallaire's previous books or listened to his interviews can expect the same blunt honesty. Critical of those who were in charge of the United Nations and the Canadian government, this is not an easy book to read.
Each page had me sobbing and I hope those of you will forgive me because I am still reeling from the impact from 184 pages. See, in Canada, you either know someone in uniform or you don't. Born and raised in the Maritime provinces, I can list the number of men(and women) that I am related to or sat in high school or university classes with or invited to speak to my students on November 11th that have served or are still serving our nation in uniform. All of them have dealt with their service in one way or another. When Dallaire lashes out in his book about military cutbacks in the mid-90's, I once again mourn the closure of my community air force base and saying goodbye to a number of classmates as their fathers were re-assigned or "retired" because of government reduction.
Often I see critics claiming that an author has bared their "soul" to the reading audience and in this memoir it certainly rings true. One sentence uttered by Dallaire continues to play over and over again in my mind like a record, Are all humans[human? Or are some humans more human than others? [book:Waiting for First Light: My Ongoing Battle with PTSD|29236272] is such a powerful book, one which deeply moved me and educated me. PTSD is something that Romeo Dallaire wants us all to understand, that it isn't going to go away. It is also something that must be discussed, no matter how painful of a subject it is. We must treat our veterans as soldiers throughout their lives, and give them and their families the care they need for the rest of their lives.
February 5, 2017
It is impossible not to admire, even revere, Romeo Dallaire. Witness to the Rwandan genocide as the leader of UNAMIR, the peacekeeping mission to Rwanda in the early 1990s, Dallaire tried to convince the rest of the world to intervene to stop the killing before it had begun. The world refused to listen or respond, preferring to dismiss the problems in Rwanda as evidence of ongoing African (primitive) tribalism. Still, Dallaire worked tirelessly to save the lives he could . . . until it became clear that he was no longer functioning normally and he asked to be sent home to Canada. Back home, the psychological problems, the sleeplessness, mood disturbances, and vivid sensory flashbacks persisted--even intensified--and held him in their grip. Dallaire's PTSD continues to plague him--he is maintained on psychoactive medication and psychotherapy--to this day.
Dallaire's memoir largely focuses on the workaholism that consumed him once he was back in Canada. Upon his return, he fairly promptly threw himself into major initiatives (associated with the Canadian military) in order to keep his demons at bay. He lived apart from his family for long stretches--ostensibly because of work, but possibly (the reader infers) because he really could no longer function well as a father, husband, and member of a family. Many Canadians are familiar with the episode in which he was found inebriated and suicidal in a park near the Canadian capital, which brought the issue of PSTD to the forefront of public attention.
I had hoped that Dallaire's memoir would deal more with the internal, psychological, personal experience of the disorder than it did. Instead, the book focused on the many projects and commitments (external details of Dallaire's life) that he has taken on since Rwanda. Work and service clearly are Dallaire's raison d'être. As well as shining the spotlight on mental health issues of the Canadian forces, and striving to get veterans the help they need, General Dallaire has done much to educate the public on the matter of child soldiers.
Dallaire's memoir largely focuses on the workaholism that consumed him once he was back in Canada. Upon his return, he fairly promptly threw himself into major initiatives (associated with the Canadian military) in order to keep his demons at bay. He lived apart from his family for long stretches--ostensibly because of work, but possibly (the reader infers) because he really could no longer function well as a father, husband, and member of a family. Many Canadians are familiar with the episode in which he was found inebriated and suicidal in a park near the Canadian capital, which brought the issue of PSTD to the forefront of public attention.
I had hoped that Dallaire's memoir would deal more with the internal, psychological, personal experience of the disorder than it did. Instead, the book focused on the many projects and commitments (external details of Dallaire's life) that he has taken on since Rwanda. Work and service clearly are Dallaire's raison d'être. As well as shining the spotlight on mental health issues of the Canadian forces, and striving to get veterans the help they need, General Dallaire has done much to educate the public on the matter of child soldiers.
July 18, 2020
As the commander of a lightly armed and supplied peacekeeping force who suddenly had to be solely protecting the Rwandan people during a genocide, Commander Romeo Dallaire is one of the greatest living heroes of our time. Yet, he was abandone in Rwanda, and he was abandoned when he came back. The UN, under Bhoutros-Bhoutros-Ghali, Commander Dallaire says, studiously ignored his reports and insights in a bid to dismiss their culpability in the genocide. When he came back, he was treated as if he just came from a refreshing vacation in Africa. He received intense media scrutiny and persecution for choosing to prioritize the plight of Rwandans. His psychological isolation mirrored the increasing diminution of budgetary support for the military in Canada, despite their increasing workload. Throughout his next years, he saw the isolation and lack of support provided to missions, and he became increasingly aware of the mental hurt and depression he could no longer ignore. This is a very honest, no-holds-barred book by one of our greatest heroes.
January 25, 2018
In the closing chapter of his book about how he has battled PTSD since returning from his hellish UN mission--a mission that was tasked to supervise the Rwandan genocide without be able to stop it--retired General Dallaire asks his reading audience if they can still respect him since now he has revealed how far he has fallen from his original image of the ideal soldier. Monsieur Dallaire, as a Canadian citizen who has observed your dedication to Canada and the international community, who has noticed your untiring efforts to prevent child soldiery, who has seen you reach out to stop injustice in the military and raise awareness of PTSD, and who has now finally learned the gory details of the demons you have battled for over 20 years, I truly believe that you are the image of the ideal soldier. These efforts to make the world a better place should be the goal of all our military personnel. Canada is so proud of you!
July 20, 2022
Reading Roméo Dallaire's book about his experience of excruciating trauma and its relentless aftermath: I wonder if there is an after. The torment doesn't end, within. And after the Rwandan genocide of 1994, Roméo was further broken by his own strength ... paradoxically, by his principles and the tormenting resilience that held him so taut, so duty-bound, present to the end and beyond. Most of all, he was betrayed by the military and humanitarian institutions that he had served for most of his life, abandoned to command a patchwork force of about 400 courageous soldiers, all under the auspices of the UN, who could only witness a massacre of about 800,000 people while planes flew in and out of Rwanda to rescue elite ex-pats and other "important" people. Everyone else in Rwanda was left to die of thirst, starvation, and mass murder. The UN peacekeeping force was ordered to do nothing to stop the genocide, even when a reliable informant gave an accurate forecast of what was to come. When supplies arrived -- intermittently, at best -- they included useless items like flashlights without batteries.
Waiting For First Light gives a brief and devastating account of the Rwandan genocide (which Dallaire detailed in his first book, Shaking Hands With The Devil), while focusing more on the moral and existential injuries that Dallaire suffered -- and continues to suffer to this day ("I now accept that my injury will never heal. For me, treatment came too late."). His account of how the trauma mauled his spirit is heartbreaking. He worked himself nearly to death after returning to Canada ... and blamed himself for the mission's failure, when he was one of a very few people who acted with integrity through the carnage. He was, at first, judged harshly for his conduct through the genocide ... and eventually cleared of all judgment by all but himself. Such is the ruination that interpersonal trauma can cause -- the worst being betrayal. We blame ourselves for the heinous choices that others make, and for our own failure to act when we are entrapped and cannot act. Daillaire was nearly undone, in part, by his own moral fibre -- a paradox of trauma, that goodness and a strong moral constitution can nearly kill a person while at the same time sustain him. It is the agony of a strong conscience that cannot overcome evil.
Dallaire has since devoted his life to eradicating the use of children as warriors, as well as bringing the light of awareness to military institutions about trauma. The last chapter of his book is a passionate plea for governments and citizens to tend to our soldiers both during engagements and when they return home:
"Because veterans do not shy away, because they carry the moral norms of our society into immoral situations and then suffer the consequences, we all have a shared responsibility to care for them when they come home. They have performed a duty for the nation and for the world, and we all must acknowledge, not deny, what they have had to experience on our behalf, and on behalf of all humans."
As long as humans insist on going to war, there will be soldiers (and generals -- Dallaire was a three-star general on retirement) whose primary choice to enlist is a moral one. The paradox is terrible -- they are called to do battle, but also called to shelter and save lives. The best of them are characters of ethical magnificence, as is Roméo Dallaire. More than 20 years after the massacre, he still lives with horrific flashbacks, night terrors, explosive emotions. Certain existential injuries never heal; Dallaire is brutally honest in spelling out what extreme trauma leaves us with. At the same time, he emerges as an unstinting advocate for his fellow soldiers (his mandate includes trauma-informed veteran care, and advocacy for soldiers who have died by suicide to be considered with the same honour ascribed to soldiers who have died in battle), for children who are forced into slavery as soldiers for the most heinous of "leaders" (his Child Soldier Initiative is operant in more than 60 countries), and for all people to be more educated about PTSD.
Dallaire asks the reader toward the end of his book, "I wonder, will you now hold me in contempt, knowing as you do how far I fell? Or will my story help you empathize with others who hurt, or better understand your own pain?" This reader weeps for his torment, feels astonished at what he has accomplished, and is humbled by his massive heart. I am reminded of a verse from poet Mark Nepo as I ponder Roméo Dallaire, whose account, despite all, appears to arrive at this conclusion:
And what if we're meant to discover
that caring for another is the summit?
Waiting For First Light gives a brief and devastating account of the Rwandan genocide (which Dallaire detailed in his first book, Shaking Hands With The Devil), while focusing more on the moral and existential injuries that Dallaire suffered -- and continues to suffer to this day ("I now accept that my injury will never heal. For me, treatment came too late."). His account of how the trauma mauled his spirit is heartbreaking. He worked himself nearly to death after returning to Canada ... and blamed himself for the mission's failure, when he was one of a very few people who acted with integrity through the carnage. He was, at first, judged harshly for his conduct through the genocide ... and eventually cleared of all judgment by all but himself. Such is the ruination that interpersonal trauma can cause -- the worst being betrayal. We blame ourselves for the heinous choices that others make, and for our own failure to act when we are entrapped and cannot act. Daillaire was nearly undone, in part, by his own moral fibre -- a paradox of trauma, that goodness and a strong moral constitution can nearly kill a person while at the same time sustain him. It is the agony of a strong conscience that cannot overcome evil.
Dallaire has since devoted his life to eradicating the use of children as warriors, as well as bringing the light of awareness to military institutions about trauma. The last chapter of his book is a passionate plea for governments and citizens to tend to our soldiers both during engagements and when they return home:
"Because veterans do not shy away, because they carry the moral norms of our society into immoral situations and then suffer the consequences, we all have a shared responsibility to care for them when they come home. They have performed a duty for the nation and for the world, and we all must acknowledge, not deny, what they have had to experience on our behalf, and on behalf of all humans."
As long as humans insist on going to war, there will be soldiers (and generals -- Dallaire was a three-star general on retirement) whose primary choice to enlist is a moral one. The paradox is terrible -- they are called to do battle, but also called to shelter and save lives. The best of them are characters of ethical magnificence, as is Roméo Dallaire. More than 20 years after the massacre, he still lives with horrific flashbacks, night terrors, explosive emotions. Certain existential injuries never heal; Dallaire is brutally honest in spelling out what extreme trauma leaves us with. At the same time, he emerges as an unstinting advocate for his fellow soldiers (his mandate includes trauma-informed veteran care, and advocacy for soldiers who have died by suicide to be considered with the same honour ascribed to soldiers who have died in battle), for children who are forced into slavery as soldiers for the most heinous of "leaders" (his Child Soldier Initiative is operant in more than 60 countries), and for all people to be more educated about PTSD.
Dallaire asks the reader toward the end of his book, "I wonder, will you now hold me in contempt, knowing as you do how far I fell? Or will my story help you empathize with others who hurt, or better understand your own pain?" This reader weeps for his torment, feels astonished at what he has accomplished, and is humbled by his massive heart. I am reminded of a verse from poet Mark Nepo as I ponder Roméo Dallaire, whose account, despite all, appears to arrive at this conclusion:
And what if we're meant to discover
that caring for another is the summit?
May 13, 2020
I struggled to get into this book, not because of the descriptions from the genocide (which are horrific) but because of the shallow and indifferent and dismissive comments and responses when Dallaire had returned from his “holiday in Africa�. “Did you see any elephants?� he was asked.
“The homicidal hatred, from which I and my force could offer little protection, was one horrifying form of evil, but no less lethal was the calculated disregard with which the international community responded.�
Our Canadian veterans are lucky to have such a strong advocate for their cause. He has fought to have PTSD recognized by the military and continues to ask for cradle to grave care for our military personnel. He is an inspiration. “Peux ce que veux. Allons-y.�
“The homicidal hatred, from which I and my force could offer little protection, was one horrifying form of evil, but no less lethal was the calculated disregard with which the international community responded.�
Our Canadian veterans are lucky to have such a strong advocate for their cause. He has fought to have PTSD recognized by the military and continues to ask for cradle to grave care for our military personnel. He is an inspiration. “Peux ce que veux. Allons-y.�
December 29, 2016
This is a must read, though it is highly challenging book to read. It is raw, real and I am so grateful for the level of honesty and vulnerability Dallaire demonstrated in these pages. This book - and the wisdom he shares has the potential to change lives. PTSD is real. It can be a deeply misunderstood condition but there is a tremendous number of people researching it, creating treatments and creating change. The stigma needs to go, and we as a community need to make trauma-healing a priority. Lives depend on it.
Thank you Romeo Dallaire. You have my deepest respect. I support you're values and aim to help make a difference in whatever way I can. How could we not.
Thank you Romeo Dallaire. You have my deepest respect. I support you're values and aim to help make a difference in whatever way I can. How could we not.
March 12, 2017
This book made it to the Canada Reads long list, but not the short list. But it should be required reading for every Canadian - about the effects of trauma on the "peacekeepers" we send to war zones, and the effects of trauma on their families as well - and about how little we are doing about it. Change is coming slowly, but ever so slowly.
October 19, 2016
Simply, we should be proud to call Roméo Dallaire Canadian. A great Canadian, who, in this book, has publicly fought a personal battle in the hopes that others won't have to.
July 10, 2024
I can't remember exactly when I read but I suppose it was within a few years of that book coming out - so maybe twenty years ago. Maybe less. I don't remember there being much, if any, news coverage of the Rwandan genocide back in 1994. Granted, I was just a kid and probably pretty narcissistic. That said, I do remember a lot of news coverage about Bosnia...which makes you wonder if one received more airtime than the other, and if so, why (though one can guess). So, while, I did KNOW about the Rwandan genocide by the time I read Dallaire's first book, I didn't really KNOW. Never have I read such a visceral, heart-wrenching but unflinching account of the trauma of war (from a commanding peacekeeper's perspective) not to mention a scathing indictment of the complete impotence/indifference of the international community. The Dallaire we meet in Dallaire's third book, is the Dallaire he would have been in and around the time I read his first book. He was a senator by then, but I had heard the whispering/had seen the CBC news articles. You knew he was suffering from PTSD, but of course, you didn't really know. Well, now I do. As with the first book, I am just amazed how forthright, candid and direct Dallaire is, this time about his own experiences with PTSD (though a little bit about the bs of politics too). Every Canadian should read this book. Every literate person who wants to understand the damage caused by PTSD should read this book. If ever they do another season of The Greatest Canadian, in my view Dallaire is #1. I am on the wait list at the library for his latest book (which is why I went back and read this one) and look forward to meeting Dallaire as he now is in 2024. His life has been extraordinarily difficult, but also extraordinary. Also, I am reminded how much the UN and the international community failed Rwanda and am incensed and heartbroken all over again. Then again, it happens over and over and over again.
December 17, 2016
I thought I had some understanding of the causes and effects of PTSD. This book very much broadened it. That Romeo Dallaire has been able to accomplish so much, throughout his suffering, in his advocacy for better care for mentally and morally injured veterans and for an end to the use of child soldiers, and yet laments that he has not and will never be able to do enough, is astounding. One thing that surprised me about this book (the first I've read by Dallaire but it won't be the last) is how very readable it is - a heartbreaking and powerful call for understanding, not just of this one man's injury, but of the suffering endured by many as a result of a different kind of mission from what soldiers have endured in the past (not to diminish that in any way). Quotes from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner enhance the impact.
Like many Canadians I turned a blind eye to what was happening in Rwanda during the genocide - we become numb to the many stories of atrocities that occur far from the comfort of our homes - but Dallaire appeals toward the end of this book to our better selves, who we believe ourselves to be as Canadians and as caring citizens of the world, in hopes we will not ignore the issues of child soldiers and traumatized veterans, or despair that nothing can be done. Something can be done. Few are in a position to do what Dallaire has done but I am hopeful that one impact of this book will be a rallying of effort among readers to do what they can. Support for Wounded Warriors and the Romeo Dallaire Child Soldier Initiative wouldn't be bad places to start.
Like many Canadians I turned a blind eye to what was happening in Rwanda during the genocide - we become numb to the many stories of atrocities that occur far from the comfort of our homes - but Dallaire appeals toward the end of this book to our better selves, who we believe ourselves to be as Canadians and as caring citizens of the world, in hopes we will not ignore the issues of child soldiers and traumatized veterans, or despair that nothing can be done. Something can be done. Few are in a position to do what Dallaire has done but I am hopeful that one impact of this book will be a rallying of effort among readers to do what they can. Support for Wounded Warriors and the Romeo Dallaire Child Soldier Initiative wouldn't be bad places to start.
November 22, 2016
It's fairly impossible for anyone who's met or cared for someone battling PTSD symptoms to write an unbiased review of this book. Add to that, I've had the pleasure of meeting Dallaire at one of his innumerable talks. That disclaimer aside, Dallaire writes with the brutal honesty that he's known for - an honesty that's critically important for what the book takes on. The gut-wrenching emotion of it comes and goes, but it hits hard when it does, and I suspect all the more so the closer the reader is to PTSD. His perspective is very much that of his command level, but the majority of his points behind it apply to most. Frankly, the man should get credit just for having the courage to write it, let alone the actual content.
June 4, 2017
I read the last third of this book with tears in my eyes.
The struggle that Dallaire went through upon his return with Rwanda is heartbreaking. He vividly accounts his fight against depression, PTSD, suicide attempts, overworking, and the frustration at "the system" for how much it underestimates mental trauma in our Armed Forces.
Talking about his anger at politics during his time in the Senate was particularly touching me to - as I've been on the front lines there and see how frustrating it is to get things done in an ever changing political environment.
If you've read Dallaire's first book, please pick this one up as well. It's a necessary epilogue to an already tragic story.
The struggle that Dallaire went through upon his return with Rwanda is heartbreaking. He vividly accounts his fight against depression, PTSD, suicide attempts, overworking, and the frustration at "the system" for how much it underestimates mental trauma in our Armed Forces.
Talking about his anger at politics during his time in the Senate was particularly touching me to - as I've been on the front lines there and see how frustrating it is to get things done in an ever changing political environment.
If you've read Dallaire's first book, please pick this one up as well. It's a necessary epilogue to an already tragic story.
December 3, 2016
This is a hard book to read but absolutely worth it. It's brutally honest and is his recollection of events immediately following his return from Rwanda. My heart broken many times and I cried. How this brave man is still alive I have no idea but clearly he is here for a purpose. We need to do better to support our military and first responders after they have been through occupational stress. The times are changing and it is no longer a requirement to 'put it in the past and never speak about what is wrong'. It's no longer seen as weak to need support. PTSD not only affects the person but their families suffer to, with long lasting consequences. I highly recommend this title.
July 9, 2017
I could not put this book down. I was shocked by Mr. Dallaire's courage and frankness in outlining the effects that PTSD had on his life. The absolute chaos of his nights and the organized frenzy of his days was heartbreaking. At several times during my read, I had to just stop and absorb what he was shining light on. I know I will think back to this book and his experiences in life many times. He left me wondering what on earth I was accomplishing with my life...I know this was not his purpose. He is such a huge man and a great Canadian hero.
February 14, 2017
While this book was an incredibly interesting account of Dallaire's life since the Rwandan genocide, I had hoped that it would focus more than it did on his struggles with PTSD and PTSD more broadly. While this was woven in throughout the book, it focused more on a chronology of everything Dallaire has done since he returned from Rwanda. While this was all very interesting, I didn't learn as much as I had hoped about PTSD.
November 23, 2016
Excellent book. Romeo Dallaire is an amazing man. He has witnessed autrocities that we can't possibly comprehend. We need to listen to this man, both in terms of the realities of PTSD and the Rwandan genocide. Shedding light on these issues is an important step towards helping individuals and the world community.
February 27, 2017
"I am still and always mired in the anguish of the genocide, and heartbreak over a world that still doesn't seem to care much about its most vulnerable people."
This book resonates for so many different reasons and topics. Regardless of what your interest was in picking it up, you will get so much more out of it.
This book resonates for so many different reasons and topics. Regardless of what your interest was in picking it up, you will get so much more out of it.
November 21, 2017
I couldn't putthis down and cried all the way through. Romeo Dallaire has always been a hero to me........ understanding the enormity of his illness is very sobering. The last part of the book speaks to why we are peacekeepers "We just Re and do the right thing". That is what I am proud of as A Canadian. He is my hero as he keeps on striving for what is better despite the difficulties.
October 25, 2020
There's a moment at the end of this book when Romeo Dallaire asks the reader whether he will be condemned for how far he has fallen because of his PTSD or whether his experiences will help to engender empathy. That anyone could choose the former is unthinkable when the answer is so clearly the latter. Dallaire is heartbreakingly, brutally honest in describing his experiences; it would be almost impossible not to feel moved by his account. I also very much think that the use of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner as a parallel for his experiences was expertly done; this book perfectly describes Dallaire's albatross. His work to help others when he is still struggling so much himself is admirable and inspiring and the sheer volume of important work he has taken on is staggering.
I'm glad I re-read before delving in, as it enriches one's understanding of Dallaire's torment. Against all odds, Dallaire manages to end on a hopeful note, offering a glimpse of the "first light" that he so desperately seeks.
I'm glad I re-read before delving in, as it enriches one's understanding of Dallaire's torment. Against all odds, Dallaire manages to end on a hopeful note, offering a glimpse of the "first light" that he so desperately seeks.
March 12, 2021
Roméo Dallaire is a national treasure. He has been fighting for our veterans and others for years. He has been honest and outspoken about his experiences. We are very lucky to have him.
His books are important to understanding what military life is really like for our soldiers. I suggest that everyone educate themselves about what PTSD is. It does not affect just those who go to war but those at home as well. by is another that discusses PTSD in our forces.
It is time that we support those who represent us around the world. They are giving their mental and physical health to do so. To less than helping them regain it is inhumane.
His books are important to understanding what military life is really like for our soldiers. I suggest that everyone educate themselves about what PTSD is. It does not affect just those who go to war but those at home as well. by is another that discusses PTSD in our forces.
It is time that we support those who represent us around the world. They are giving their mental and physical health to do so. To less than helping them regain it is inhumane.
April 17, 2019
Sometimes books don't grab me the same way they do others ...
I was doomed from the start of this one I think because I knew some of what the images that I was going to manufacture in my head were going to do to me ...
The horrendous sights that the author was undoubtedly going to describe were going to make me want to turn off the outside world and bury my head in the sand ... ignorance is bliss, right?!?
I read the entire book and I can easily see how it relates to the oftentimes horrible events that have and are currently happening in this phenomenally messed up world in which I chose to bring my children into ...
This is probably one of the most IMPORTANT non-fiction books to break down the misconceptions surrounding mental health illness. PTSD is real ... new cases of it are in the news on a monthly basis(if not sometimes daily) it seems ...
Dallaire writes as he journeys along the grim descent into alcoholism, cutting, suicide attempts, and his growing distance from and irritability with loved ones ... “I wasn’t living, only reliving,�
5 little words that are having such a PROFOUND IMPACT on thousands and thousands and thousands of people all over the world ... and why?? ... because of all of the phenomenally messed up sh*t that's going on in this world ...
It's a book that should be read but damn it wasn't pretty ...
KUDOS to Dallaire for using his book to serve as a platform to promote the ending of the use of child soldiers as well as for the many other campaigns he's fighting to rectify.
Any man/woman who strives for the betterment of a nation and its citizens deserves the utmost RESPECT!!
I was doomed from the start of this one I think because I knew some of what the images that I was going to manufacture in my head were going to do to me ...
The horrendous sights that the author was undoubtedly going to describe were going to make me want to turn off the outside world and bury my head in the sand ... ignorance is bliss, right?!?
I read the entire book and I can easily see how it relates to the oftentimes horrible events that have and are currently happening in this phenomenally messed up world in which I chose to bring my children into ...
This is probably one of the most IMPORTANT non-fiction books to break down the misconceptions surrounding mental health illness. PTSD is real ... new cases of it are in the news on a monthly basis(if not sometimes daily) it seems ...
Dallaire writes as he journeys along the grim descent into alcoholism, cutting, suicide attempts, and his growing distance from and irritability with loved ones ... “I wasn’t living, only reliving,�
5 little words that are having such a PROFOUND IMPACT on thousands and thousands and thousands of people all over the world ... and why?? ... because of all of the phenomenally messed up sh*t that's going on in this world ...
It's a book that should be read but damn it wasn't pretty ...
KUDOS to Dallaire for using his book to serve as a platform to promote the ending of the use of child soldiers as well as for the many other campaigns he's fighting to rectify.
Any man/woman who strives for the betterment of a nation and its citizens deserves the utmost RESPECT!!
August 6, 2020
I’m sad to give this book a low rating because my heart wants to give it more. I found it difficult to read, jumping from one time period to the next. The last chapter of the book focuses clearly on PTSD. I found the rest of the book to show flickers of it, throughout Romeo Dallaire’s work and experiences. At one point in the book, he talks about going somewhere with his wife and then feeling like he was being back in Rwanda. That part, as well as the last chapter, are what I hoped for when reading this book.
July 5, 2017
Before picking up this book, I thought I was familiar with PTSD and its causes, but had no real idea what living with PTSD actually looked like. Romeo Dallaire is brutally honest and forthright as he tells us of his return to 'normal life', following three months of living hell as a peacekeeper during the Rwandan genocide. At a time when PTSD was not acknowledged in Canada, war veterans with no physical injuries were expected to reintegrate into society unassisted. Dallaire's story shows the long-lasting effects of this attitude, and how PTSD can appear seemingly from nowhere, even years after the trauma. While he eventually sought treatment for his injury, for him, there is no returning to the person he once was. He has since tackled many humanitarian challenges and spoken at length about Rwanda, but at a very high personal cost.
I also thought a lot about his categorization of PTSD as a moral injury, and completely agree - those with a strong sense of moral responsibility are all the more likely to suffer after a traumatic, immoral experience. If we are truly living in a moral society, veterans should be properly cared for, and the burden should be shared by all of us.
I also thought a lot about his categorization of PTSD as a moral injury, and completely agree - those with a strong sense of moral responsibility are all the more likely to suffer after a traumatic, immoral experience. If we are truly living in a moral society, veterans should be properly cared for, and the burden should be shared by all of us.
April 12, 2017
Raw, vivid, relentless.. this book is an eye opener on the topic of PTSD, its causes, its effects, its affects and its actions on not only the injured but on his social lifeline as well.
Kudos to LGen Dallaire for bringing forth such a personal and difficult topic to the forefront.
Kudos to LGen Dallaire for bringing forth such a personal and difficult topic to the forefront.
May 22, 2018
A must-read. Don’t have words really.
April 9, 2017
A must read for anyone wanting to understand or working with victims of PTSD.
January 20, 2017
This is the fourth book that I have read from the CBC Canada Reads 2017 Longlist, and probably the first one that I can see actually making it into the shortlist. Roméo Dallaire is a retired Canadian Army general, and a former senator. He was in command of a Canadian peacekeeping mission in Rwanda during the genocide in the 90s. This book is about the effect that the horrible, horrible things that happened in Rwanda have had on the rest of his life ever since he came home.
I chose this book because I had no idea what happened in the Rwandan genocide, and I really wanted to have a look at that terrible part of history. Admittedly, I didn't come away from this book with much of an idea about it, since it was mostly about his life after his return to Canada. He has written a couple of other books about the issue, Shake Hands with the Devil and They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children. I liked this book, and I'm going to add those other titles to my reading list.
Even though this book was not really what I was expecting, I liked reading it. It seems that the journey that Dallaire has been on ever since he returned to Canada 20 years ago is not all that uncommon for Canadian troops. Before I read this book, I had the misleading notion that "peacekeeping" missions were peaceful, maybe with some combat, but mostly about handing out aid and making sure that the civilians were safe. OK, I had an uneasy feeling that this was probably not completely true, but I didn't really know what it was about.
Dallaire's book is written from the unusual vantage point of a general. Because he was in charge rather than just there to follow orders, I think this gives the book an important and interesting viewpoint. He talks about his feelings of powerlessness and guilt over what had been done, or not done. And when he came back, so many people had the attitude of "Well, you're back now. Better get on with it." Or, even worse, people couldn't understand why he hadn’t done more to stop the genocide. But, meanwhile, he had sustained a horrible moral and psychological injury that only a very few could see.
It seems that Dallaire's injuries are probably never going to go away completely, just as an amputated leg or other physical injury never goes away completely.
I think the military, and society as a whole, is much more aware now of these kinds of psychological injuries that veterans come back with. Nevertheless, I think this is a brutally honest and vulnerable account of one man's experience, and I would not be surprised at all if this makes it onto the Canada Reads 2017 Shortlist as the book that Canadians need to read now.
I chose this book because I had no idea what happened in the Rwandan genocide, and I really wanted to have a look at that terrible part of history. Admittedly, I didn't come away from this book with much of an idea about it, since it was mostly about his life after his return to Canada. He has written a couple of other books about the issue, Shake Hands with the Devil and They Fight Like Soldiers, They Die Like Children. I liked this book, and I'm going to add those other titles to my reading list.
Even though this book was not really what I was expecting, I liked reading it. It seems that the journey that Dallaire has been on ever since he returned to Canada 20 years ago is not all that uncommon for Canadian troops. Before I read this book, I had the misleading notion that "peacekeeping" missions were peaceful, maybe with some combat, but mostly about handing out aid and making sure that the civilians were safe. OK, I had an uneasy feeling that this was probably not completely true, but I didn't really know what it was about.
Dallaire's book is written from the unusual vantage point of a general. Because he was in charge rather than just there to follow orders, I think this gives the book an important and interesting viewpoint. He talks about his feelings of powerlessness and guilt over what had been done, or not done. And when he came back, so many people had the attitude of "Well, you're back now. Better get on with it." Or, even worse, people couldn't understand why he hadn’t done more to stop the genocide. But, meanwhile, he had sustained a horrible moral and psychological injury that only a very few could see.
It seems that Dallaire's injuries are probably never going to go away completely, just as an amputated leg or other physical injury never goes away completely.
I think the military, and society as a whole, is much more aware now of these kinds of psychological injuries that veterans come back with. Nevertheless, I think this is a brutally honest and vulnerable account of one man's experience, and I would not be surprised at all if this makes it onto the Canada Reads 2017 Shortlist as the book that Canadians need to read now.
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