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HELP! A Bear is Eating Me!
Trapped in a remote Alaskan forest, pinned under his own SUV, gnawed upon by nature's finest predators, Marv Pushkin -- Corporate Warrior, Positive Thinker, Esquire subscriber -- waits impatiently for an ambulance and explains in detail the many reasons why this unfolding tragedy is everyone's fault but his own.
132 pages, Paperback
First published February 26, 2008
43 people are currently reading
4,655 people want to read
About the author
Mykle Hansen
14Ìýbooks295ÌýfollowersMykle Hansen has been "keeping it realism" on Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ for over ten years. He will gladly consider your friend request if (only if) you have read at least one hundred books.
Mykle Hansen's inability to have a normal reaction is key to the popularity of his surreal fiction and neo-gonzo journalism. He is the author of the acclaimed short-story collection EYEHEART EVERYTHING, several dozen 'zines, a religious self-help column in the Portland Mercury, and over fifty thousand lines of Perl. HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! is his first novel. RAMPAGING FUCKERS OF EVERYTHING ON THE CRAZY SHITTING PLANET OF THE VOMIT ATMOSPHERE is his first anthology of satirical novellas. His latest novel, "I, SLUTBOT," tells the story of the first robotic porn star, and how she became the ruler of Earth.
A jack of all trades since birth, Mykle Hansen still tries to spend most of his time writing. He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife and child, in a orange castle surrounded by a moat of man-eating chickens. He writes all of his author biographies in the third person.
Mykle Hansen's inability to have a normal reaction is key to the popularity of his surreal fiction and neo-gonzo journalism. He is the author of the acclaimed short-story collection EYEHEART EVERYTHING, several dozen 'zines, a religious self-help column in the Portland Mercury, and over fifty thousand lines of Perl. HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! is his first novel. RAMPAGING FUCKERS OF EVERYTHING ON THE CRAZY SHITTING PLANET OF THE VOMIT ATMOSPHERE is his first anthology of satirical novellas. His latest novel, "I, SLUTBOT," tells the story of the first robotic porn star, and how she became the ruler of Earth.
A jack of all trades since birth, Mykle Hansen still tries to spend most of his time writing. He lives in Portland, Oregon with his wife and child, in a orange castle surrounded by a moat of man-eating chickens. He writes all of his author biographies in the third person.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 301 reviews
June 16, 2021
let's be honest—this is a book you buy for the cover. but behold: it's actually well-written!! this is the most unsympathetic character i've read since dostoevsky's the adolescent, but it's a hoot, and i didn't want to throw the book even once, which i did with the adolescent. that's a lot of commas to just say—yes—read this book.
this is a p.s.—a customer asked me for a recommendation for someone who liked camus and chuck palahniuk. this is perfectly centered between the existential and the bizarre. thanks, mykle!
this is a p.s.—a customer asked me for a recommendation for someone who liked camus and chuck palahniuk. this is perfectly centered between the existential and the bizarre. thanks, mykle!
June 22, 2008
I read this on the way to the airport and then I read more of it at the airport and then I finished it on the airplane. When I have to deal with the TSA, airline personnel and large numbers of my fellow humans, I often experience deeply felt misanthropy. Reading this book complicated that. You see, the narrator of the book is a smug, entitled, dumb, greedy yuppie douche bag who's deeply irritated by the extent to which this getting-trapped-under-an-SUV-and-eaten-by-a-bear thing has fucked up his opportunity to boink his mistress and murder his wife this week. Generally, I feel I am in a very good position to mock and belittle such people, and why not? They make loads more money than I do, and don't get eaten by bears nearly as one would hope.
But as I'm barely able to contain my rage at how damn difficult it is to mail the contraband I forgot to leave at the office to myself (WOULD IT KILL YOU TO OPEN A STORE IN THE AIRPORT SO I CAN SHIP MY POCKET KNIFE TO MYSELF INSTEAD OF HAVING IT CONFISCATED, FEDEX?), as I grumble not just at the indignity of having to remove my shoes to go through security but at the stupidity of the woman in front of me who is NOT AWARE OF THIS REGULATION, as I try to tune out the teenagers behind me whose command of English and their own vocal instruments bears a startling resemblance to that displayed by Luke Wilson's attorney in Idiocracy, I find myself yearning for an iPod and a personal masseuse to make it all go away. Then I remember why I'm at the airport in the first place: I'm traveling to a public relations workshop. I can't laugh at the entitled, misanthropic yuppie douchebag Marv Pushkin because I AM THAT ENTITLED, MISANTHROPIC YUPPIE DOUCHEBAG.
Unlike this novel's narrator, I suspect I would have been overjoyed had a bear appeared on the scene to deliver me from my mortal coil. Instead, Mykle Hansen delivered me from my intensely foul mood with jugular-piercing HILARITY. By the time I touched down in LAX, I was in the best spirits ever -- not just because I drank a lot of gin on the flight, and certainly not because I was in Los Angeles.
But as I'm barely able to contain my rage at how damn difficult it is to mail the contraband I forgot to leave at the office to myself (WOULD IT KILL YOU TO OPEN A STORE IN THE AIRPORT SO I CAN SHIP MY POCKET KNIFE TO MYSELF INSTEAD OF HAVING IT CONFISCATED, FEDEX?), as I grumble not just at the indignity of having to remove my shoes to go through security but at the stupidity of the woman in front of me who is NOT AWARE OF THIS REGULATION, as I try to tune out the teenagers behind me whose command of English and their own vocal instruments bears a startling resemblance to that displayed by Luke Wilson's attorney in Idiocracy, I find myself yearning for an iPod and a personal masseuse to make it all go away. Then I remember why I'm at the airport in the first place: I'm traveling to a public relations workshop. I can't laugh at the entitled, misanthropic yuppie douchebag Marv Pushkin because I AM THAT ENTITLED, MISANTHROPIC YUPPIE DOUCHEBAG.
Unlike this novel's narrator, I suspect I would have been overjoyed had a bear appeared on the scene to deliver me from my mortal coil. Instead, Mykle Hansen delivered me from my intensely foul mood with jugular-piercing HILARITY. By the time I touched down in LAX, I was in the best spirits ever -- not just because I drank a lot of gin on the flight, and certainly not because I was in Los Angeles.
December 15, 2008
For years (thousands of them actually) great thinkers have pondered the question, if a total asshole is trapped under something heavy and their legs are being eaten by a bear is that ok, or should we feel sorry for them? Plato in the original manuscripts for his allegory of the cave dealt with his exact problem when the know-it-all shit who had gone out in to the real world came back and got himself trapped under a boulder and a bear started to eat his legs. Plato said it was the danger of leaving the cave, and suggested that it is an Ideal of justice manifested in a lesser form of reality that took the form of the bear eating the know-it-alls legs. This was cut out of The Republic by I think Aristotle who in his third ethics book (the one we sadly lost when St. Augustine and his neo-platonist followers went on a wine-drunk spree of destroying manuscripts after a particularly exciting discussion about some ontological proof of God existing) said it is never right for man to be eaten by a bear, because even if the man is an asshole, he is still of more perfect moderation than the bear. This argument went on for years and years and years. Different philosophers saying different things about the rights of the asshole versus the rights of a bear.
But now in 2008 we finally have the book that really gets to the bottom of his primordial philosophical question. Told from point of view of the asshole trapped under an SUV while a bear eats his legs, we are able to judge for ourselves if it is ok for the asshole to be eaten. Should we feel sorry for him? Do we want him to live? Is the bear right? If you found an asshole with his legs sticking out, trapped, under an SUV would you consider eating his legs? These are the kinds of things you can think about while reading this engaging and at times quite funny novel. Or maybe you can think about other things. The great thing about living in this country (or maybe yours too if you aren't living in mine, or maybe not) is that you can think about anything you'd like while reading a novel. Seriously, it's kind of awesome. If you want you can even think about something totally off topic, like say kittens, and what do kittens have to do with the novel your reading, which if it's this one I can assure you not very much on a surface reading, but who knows what you'll find if you're really looking for kittens in a close reading.
So in conclusion, this book is funny and it looks at a very serious ethical problem, and you can think about anything you'd like when you read it, although if you think about other things too much you'll probably miss a lot of what is going on in the book, which could be bad.
But now in 2008 we finally have the book that really gets to the bottom of his primordial philosophical question. Told from point of view of the asshole trapped under an SUV while a bear eats his legs, we are able to judge for ourselves if it is ok for the asshole to be eaten. Should we feel sorry for him? Do we want him to live? Is the bear right? If you found an asshole with his legs sticking out, trapped, under an SUV would you consider eating his legs? These are the kinds of things you can think about while reading this engaging and at times quite funny novel. Or maybe you can think about other things. The great thing about living in this country (or maybe yours too if you aren't living in mine, or maybe not) is that you can think about anything you'd like while reading a novel. Seriously, it's kind of awesome. If you want you can even think about something totally off topic, like say kittens, and what do kittens have to do with the novel your reading, which if it's this one I can assure you not very much on a surface reading, but who knows what you'll find if you're really looking for kittens in a close reading.
So in conclusion, this book is funny and it looks at a very serious ethical problem, and you can think about anything you'd like when you read it, although if you think about other things too much you'll probably miss a lot of what is going on in the book, which could be bad.
April 26, 2008
Conflict of interest warning: I ate the author of this book.
August 12, 2023
I'm dnf'ing at 52%, this just isn't my book.
May 3, 2018
Never before has a book done more to discredit the notion that protagonists should be likable. Marv Pushkin is probably about as irredeemable as characters come, and yet... You can't help but feel a little sorry for the guy. Not because he's in the process of dying a slow, gruesome death, but because, over the course of his ordeal, we come to learn much more about him than he's willing to let on. Through a series of flashbacks and hallucinations, we discover a man so awesomely awful that he actually ends up seeming kinda alright in the end!
Marv of course remains oblivious to it all, allowing his foolishness to ultimately overshadow his greed, narcissism, and generally assholish nature. He's also a lot funnier than , so at least he's got that going for him.
Just when you find yourself starting to feel a little sympathy for the fucker, however, he effortlessly launches off into previously uncharted realms of douchebaggery. This cycle repeats itself all the way up until the very end, leaving readers to wonder whether being eaten by a bear is really such a terrible fate after all.
Marv of course remains oblivious to it all, allowing his foolishness to ultimately overshadow his greed, narcissism, and generally assholish nature. He's also a lot funnier than , so at least he's got that going for him.
Just when you find yourself starting to feel a little sympathy for the fucker, however, he effortlessly launches off into previously uncharted realms of douchebaggery. This cycle repeats itself all the way up until the very end, leaving readers to wonder whether being eaten by a bear is really such a terrible fate after all.
June 12, 2011
While corporate sleazeball Marv Pushkin is on a bear-killing/team-building trip in Alaska, he becomes trapped under his Range Rover and a bear begins eating him. Hilarity ensues.
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! reads like Jim Thompson's The Killer Inside Me if it were written by Christopher Moore and Lou Ford was an ad agency executive rather than a small town sheriff. Making the reader care about a douchebag of Pushkin's caliber is a rough job but Mykle Hansen accomplishes just that. Pushkin's dialogue is pricless and it's clear that he's totally oblivous to the reality of his utter douchebaggery.
Not only is HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! a hilarious tale of an asshole getting what's coming to him, slowly and painfully, it's also a commentary on the inane corporate culture. I could easily see Marv Pushkin being in management where I work.
That's about all I have to say. If you think a corporate scumbag getting eaten by a bear for 120-ish pages is funny, this is the book for you.
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! reads like Jim Thompson's The Killer Inside Me if it were written by Christopher Moore and Lou Ford was an ad agency executive rather than a small town sheriff. Making the reader care about a douchebag of Pushkin's caliber is a rough job but Mykle Hansen accomplishes just that. Pushkin's dialogue is pricless and it's clear that he's totally oblivous to the reality of his utter douchebaggery.
Not only is HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! a hilarious tale of an asshole getting what's coming to him, slowly and painfully, it's also a commentary on the inane corporate culture. I could easily see Marv Pushkin being in management where I work.
That's about all I have to say. If you think a corporate scumbag getting eaten by a bear for 120-ish pages is funny, this is the book for you.
December 13, 2010
I liked Help! A Bear is eating me! a lot. I loved that Marv had the same two devils on his polar (bear) same shoulders- both with enormous chips on them. He's an asshole in the best way he could've been. He's the kind of asshole that anyone with sense would know to stay far, far away from (like Scarlett O'hara). Like he admits himself, his climb to the top was made easier by smiling faces waiting to get stepped on. He's not harmless in the grand scheme of things, but definitely not in my personal sphere because, frankly, I know better. Anyway, I was really impressed that Mykle Hansen showed what could've easily been a stereotypical jab at satire of "What's wrong with America" jerk into the opposite of your bumper sticker hate. It's the misery of living in your own asshole mind. The drugs, pain, rage and mind numbingly asshole-y flashbacks of his past and fantasies were like the anxiety you feel in your gut no matter how good you are at thinking about something else. Well done, I say. It really is a good skill to write the cell deep hate on his shallow molecular level and not sound bumper sticker. I hate bumper sticker hate above many things. It's the kind of deliberately missing the point message! and seizing on something most obvious for generic approval. Everyman-jerk Marv may be, but generic he is not. It's not moralizing, or warning or anything but a head trip through a douche bag. (See how the other half lives.)
I identified with the bear 'cause for once the paranoia of the outside space included me. (And I cheered the bear on.) I would have started having fantasies daymares of being inside the bear's head too. (Hell, I'd probably have developed stockholm's syndrome.)
The bear was starvin' for the Marv.
I identified with the bear 'cause for once the paranoia of the outside space included me. (And I cheered the bear on.) I would have started having fantasies daymares of being inside the bear's head too. (Hell, I'd probably have developed stockholm's syndrome.)
The bear was starvin' for the Marv.
January 18, 2013
I have a longstanding marital bias in favor of bears. What started out as affectionate joshing -- that my outwardly imposing and initially intimidating husband is really just a big teddy bear (which I’m sure is exactly the kind of private commentary he wants me spreading around the internets) -- has, over the years, spiraled out of control to the extent that swapping "bear" for any even remotely similar sounds (e.g.: bearriage, libeary, husbearnd, et cetera ad nauseam) is the overriding hallmark of our spousal language. So I have a certain fondness for all things ursine, which made me initially wonder how objectively I could read about some self-entitled scumbag raging against a bear whose only sin is curious hunger.
This is an unconventional little book, even by bizarro standards (and it's not even all that bizarre, really, in the sense that William Shatner doesn't make a single appearance, let alone as a dozen simultaneous incarnations). Let’s talk about it.
Its narrator, Marv Pushkin, is a designer-drug-addicted yuppie asshole (possibly an ass hole, even) who’s trapped under his luxury vehicle. Its antagonists are everyone who isn’t Marv, except for maybe Marcia from Product Dialogue, the coworker with whom Marv’s carrying on an extramarital affair; chief among those who are making life undeservedly insufferable for Marv is the titular beast (referred to as "Mister Bear" in I’m assuming a decidedly unaffectionate tone) who’s intermittently snacking on Our Hero’s lower extremities.
That’s the entire plot.
And it works. By God, does it work.
As Marv prattles on and on and on and on and on and on and on about all those who are responsible for his arrival at these most unenviable circumstances �- his mind is clearly a Rolodex of all those who have shown him just a fraction less than the full respect and awe his general mastery of the world commands �- it becomes obvious that this is a man whose identity is built upon the unshakable belief that he is better, smarter, craftier and more deserving of all the best that can have a price tag slapped on it than positively everyone else ever. The world lives to serve Marv and it should smile and wipe his ass for the privilege of playing even a minute role in his existence.
But what also emerges is a backstory that renders Marv sympathetic in a way that made me hate myself a little, first for feeling badly on behalf of such a raging douchenozzle and then for totally writing him off as a terminal jerk without stopping to consider that people like him usually are hiding oceans of personal damage beneath their vile facades. What starts out as a finger-pointing marathon necessitating an entire army of hands slowly yields to the discovery that this guy really had no other choice but to be in love with himself for survival's sake: Marv is his own biggest fan because he'd be crushed under the weight of allowing himself to become his own worst enemy.
It's a pretty neat take on Man vs. Nature, with layers of Man vs. Self slowly peeling away to a surprisingly connected, successful result.
This is an unconventional little book, even by bizarro standards (and it's not even all that bizarre, really, in the sense that William Shatner doesn't make a single appearance, let alone as a dozen simultaneous incarnations). Let’s talk about it.
Its narrator, Marv Pushkin, is a designer-drug-addicted yuppie asshole (possibly an ass hole, even) who’s trapped under his luxury vehicle. Its antagonists are everyone who isn’t Marv, except for maybe Marcia from Product Dialogue, the coworker with whom Marv’s carrying on an extramarital affair; chief among those who are making life undeservedly insufferable for Marv is the titular beast (referred to as "Mister Bear" in I’m assuming a decidedly unaffectionate tone) who’s intermittently snacking on Our Hero’s lower extremities.
That’s the entire plot.
And it works. By God, does it work.
As Marv prattles on and on and on and on and on and on and on about all those who are responsible for his arrival at these most unenviable circumstances �- his mind is clearly a Rolodex of all those who have shown him just a fraction less than the full respect and awe his general mastery of the world commands �- it becomes obvious that this is a man whose identity is built upon the unshakable belief that he is better, smarter, craftier and more deserving of all the best that can have a price tag slapped on it than positively everyone else ever. The world lives to serve Marv and it should smile and wipe his ass for the privilege of playing even a minute role in his existence.
But what also emerges is a backstory that renders Marv sympathetic in a way that made me hate myself a little, first for feeling badly on behalf of such a raging douchenozzle and then for totally writing him off as a terminal jerk without stopping to consider that people like him usually are hiding oceans of personal damage beneath their vile facades. What starts out as a finger-pointing marathon necessitating an entire army of hands slowly yields to the discovery that this guy really had no other choice but to be in love with himself for survival's sake: Marv is his own biggest fan because he'd be crushed under the weight of allowing himself to become his own worst enemy.
It's a pretty neat take on Man vs. Nature, with layers of Man vs. Self slowly peeling away to a surprisingly connected, successful result.
November 19, 2009
As a survivor of a horrific bear attack myself, I can vouch for this book's authenticity in its description such a life-changing disaster. First of all, manners, such as not playing with your food, don't appear to be too highly stressed within the bear community. In fact, they love to play with their food. It starts, innocently enough, with a little swat to the ass here, a little nibble on the arm there, but before long, their food-play gets increasingly complex, creative and, dare I say, excruciating.
During my own ordeal, I was repeatedly punched in the face by a male kodiak. I can only surmise that he had caught the scent of my wildberry lifesavers and was merely trying to crack open my skull to get at all the wonderful berries that surely resided within. Failing in that, He then tossed my body prostrate onto the grass and took to steamrolling me. He'd roll over me foot to head, then head to foot, then back again. Tiring of this game, he then threw my shattered corpus into a nearby tree. I landed back first onto a fallen log. There was a branch crossing the log and, my legs no longer useful, I tried to pull myself along the branch to escape any more vicious mauling. The bear saw through my pathetic attempt at escape and ran over to stop me. As he approached my now nearly lifeless body, he accidentally stepped on the opposite end of the branch, which lay propped up over the log, which sent my end of the branch up sharply, catapaulting me into the air as if I had been launched from the end of a teeter totter. The bear took great amusement in this and began retrieving me to set me back down onto the branch so that he could again step onto the other end, repeatedly sending my powerless flesh sprawling skyward.
It wasn't long before his joyous howling brought in other bears from the woods and they joined in the fun, taking turns jumping onto the branch and sending my broken body flailing into the air like a ragdoll. One of the other bears had with her another barely alive human victim she had found a few miles over. The bears traded us back and forth like we were packs of cigarettes. Finally, they began propping us up to make it look like we were interacting with each other in what was, by all appearances, a crude production of A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen. Then they made us kiss. After a while they were distracted by a school bus that rolled by on a lonely road at the bottom of the ravine. The bears went to investigate this strange yellow creature and quickly forgot about us, leaving us lying there like forgotten toys in the rain.
Anyway, I'm glad somebody has the guts and the insight to finally delve into the reality of bear attacks and tell it like it is.
During my own ordeal, I was repeatedly punched in the face by a male kodiak. I can only surmise that he had caught the scent of my wildberry lifesavers and was merely trying to crack open my skull to get at all the wonderful berries that surely resided within. Failing in that, He then tossed my body prostrate onto the grass and took to steamrolling me. He'd roll over me foot to head, then head to foot, then back again. Tiring of this game, he then threw my shattered corpus into a nearby tree. I landed back first onto a fallen log. There was a branch crossing the log and, my legs no longer useful, I tried to pull myself along the branch to escape any more vicious mauling. The bear saw through my pathetic attempt at escape and ran over to stop me. As he approached my now nearly lifeless body, he accidentally stepped on the opposite end of the branch, which lay propped up over the log, which sent my end of the branch up sharply, catapaulting me into the air as if I had been launched from the end of a teeter totter. The bear took great amusement in this and began retrieving me to set me back down onto the branch so that he could again step onto the other end, repeatedly sending my powerless flesh sprawling skyward.
It wasn't long before his joyous howling brought in other bears from the woods and they joined in the fun, taking turns jumping onto the branch and sending my broken body flailing into the air like a ragdoll. One of the other bears had with her another barely alive human victim she had found a few miles over. The bears traded us back and forth like we were packs of cigarettes. Finally, they began propping us up to make it look like we were interacting with each other in what was, by all appearances, a crude production of A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen. Then they made us kiss. After a while they were distracted by a school bus that rolled by on a lonely road at the bottom of the ravine. The bears went to investigate this strange yellow creature and quickly forgot about us, leaving us lying there like forgotten toys in the rain.
Anyway, I'm glad somebody has the guts and the insight to finally delve into the reality of bear attacks and tell it like it is.
November 29, 2010
Normally I'm not beguiled by first-person narratives, especially when the voice is that of an obnoxious boorish narcissist. Mykle Hansen's HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is an honorable exception. Despite having a protagonist of unparalleled loathsomeness, unblemished by even a hint of concern for others or a scintilla of self-awareness, this book charmed the pants off me. The title is sheer genius, and completely accurate. As the story opens, its truly despicable antihero, Marv Pushkin lies pinned under his all-terrain vehicle somewhere off-road in Alaska. The rest of the 120-page story is structured as an ongoing monolog from Marv to the reader.
If you think about it for a second, you realise that Mykle Hansen set himself a nearly impossible challenge. A first-person narrative in the voice of a complete jerk that still manages to engage the reader is a pretty tall order. I'm happy to report that the author rises to the occasion, magnificently. I read H! ABiEM! in a single afternoon. It was hilarious. And written so smoothly that you ask yourself "how did he do that?"
Lying trapped and helpless isn't the only trial Marv has to survive. There's that angry bear whose cub he ran over with his Rover who takes revenge by gnawing off his extremities. He also suffers several hallucinatory visitations, both human and ursine, as he self-medicates to counter the mounting pain. This makes him the quintessential unreliable narrator.
The character of Marv works as a (hilarious) caricature, but the thought does occur that Hansen may have sacrificed the potential for greater emotional impact by making him so relentlessly loathsome. Most readers will be ambivalent on whether to root for the bear or for Marv. Scrooge's four ghostly visitors ultimately cause him to undergo a change of heart. Lear's misadventures in the storm teach him compassion and effect a reconciliation with Cordelia before he dies; Gloucester learns to see more clearly as a result of his blinding. HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is not a story of growth and redemption. But so what? It's brilliantly realised and genuinely funny.
If you think about it for a second, you realise that Mykle Hansen set himself a nearly impossible challenge. A first-person narrative in the voice of a complete jerk that still manages to engage the reader is a pretty tall order. I'm happy to report that the author rises to the occasion, magnificently. I read H! ABiEM! in a single afternoon. It was hilarious. And written so smoothly that you ask yourself "how did he do that?"
Lying trapped and helpless isn't the only trial Marv has to survive. There's that angry bear whose cub he ran over with his Rover who takes revenge by gnawing off his extremities. He also suffers several hallucinatory visitations, both human and ursine, as he self-medicates to counter the mounting pain. This makes him the quintessential unreliable narrator.
The character of Marv works as a (hilarious) caricature, but the thought does occur that Hansen may have sacrificed the potential for greater emotional impact by making him so relentlessly loathsome. Most readers will be ambivalent on whether to root for the bear or for Marv. Scrooge's four ghostly visitors ultimately cause him to undergo a change of heart. Lear's misadventures in the storm teach him compassion and effect a reconciliation with Cordelia before he dies; Gloucester learns to see more clearly as a result of his blinding. HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is not a story of growth and redemption. But so what? It's brilliantly realised and genuinely funny.
August 31, 2008
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! Great title! Great book! Wow, look at that! The period key on my keyboard keeps producing exclamation marks instead of periods! WTF* My question mark key makes that asterisk thingy that looks like a puckered asshole! Speaking of assholes, Marv Pushkin, the narrator/protagonist of Bear, is an asshole! But that’s information that’s given on the back of the book, so there’s no need to repeat it here, is there* Marv’s narrative is misanthropic, misogynistic, condescending, vulgar, and rude! And that’s what makes it compelling and funny as shit! At 129 pages, Bear is just as long as it needs to be to get the point across and keep the reader entertained! Anything more would have been filler and anything less would have been insufficient! This is one of the few “humorous� books that I have read lately that have actually been funny enough to make me laugh (one of the others is Andersen Prunty’s The Overwhelming Urge)! I highly recommend checking it out.
January 21, 2016
5 Stars
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is first and foremost a very funny tale about getting what is due to you. This is a short novel that will have you laughing out loud and cringing…not so much from the bear that is eating our protagonists legs, but from the fact the he is such a complete asshole. You know our main character Marv Pushkin, we all know people like him. He is the bad boss that is so full of himself that he cannot see things that are right in front of his face. He is the type ‘A� personality that literally thinks the world revolves around themselves . He is a DOUCHE!
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is just that, a story about a successful business man a being eaten by a true man-eater. The novel works by being so damn funny. I originally gave this book only 4 stars but changed it because it really stayed with me. I cannot wait for my wife to read it so that I can talk about it.
Here is a little taste of what you will find in this book. No, it is not human flesh and it does not taste like chicken.
“Drugs are just one reason why I could never cast myself as one of those outdoor/nature/environment types. Technology treats me too well. Technology is so much better than nature at everything that nature’s supposedly good at, I just don’t see the point. Who needs scenery when you’ve got special effects? Who needs flora and fauna when you’ve got the Flora Channel and the Fauna Channel, not to mention the Woodland Park Zoo and a talented team of Latin-American landscapers delicately sculpting the front yard of your estate into a shapely oasis, year-round, pest-free? Who needs bracing wind and sea spray when you’ve got four independent climate control zones? Who needs a campfire when you’ve got a George Foreman Grill?�
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is first and foremost a very funny tale about getting what is due to you. This is a short novel that will have you laughing out loud and cringing…not so much from the bear that is eating our protagonists legs, but from the fact the he is such a complete asshole. You know our main character Marv Pushkin, we all know people like him. He is the bad boss that is so full of himself that he cannot see things that are right in front of his face. He is the type ‘A� personality that literally thinks the world revolves around themselves . He is a DOUCHE!
HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is just that, a story about a successful business man a being eaten by a true man-eater. The novel works by being so damn funny. I originally gave this book only 4 stars but changed it because it really stayed with me. I cannot wait for my wife to read it so that I can talk about it.
Here is a little taste of what you will find in this book. No, it is not human flesh and it does not taste like chicken.
“Drugs are just one reason why I could never cast myself as one of those outdoor/nature/environment types. Technology treats me too well. Technology is so much better than nature at everything that nature’s supposedly good at, I just don’t see the point. Who needs scenery when you’ve got special effects? Who needs flora and fauna when you’ve got the Flora Channel and the Fauna Channel, not to mention the Woodland Park Zoo and a talented team of Latin-American landscapers delicately sculpting the front yard of your estate into a shapely oasis, year-round, pest-free? Who needs bracing wind and sea spray when you’ve got four independent climate control zones? Who needs a campfire when you’ve got a George Foreman Grill?�
June 6, 2014
4.5 stars
Very funny little book about an elitist Yuppie named Marv Pushkin who gets trapped under his SUV while bear hunting in Alaska with his fat wife, his mistress, and some of his yes-men employees.
Almost every page is lough out loud funny as Marv dopes himself up to handle the pain of being chewed on by Mr. Bear. To keep boredom at bay he goes inside his mind and opens up about his love for his Rover; his love of things and his hatred of nature; the Mexican and his illegal kids who don't detail his car right; his marriage to his fat wife, Edna; his affair with a buxom subordinate; and even the unusual death of his kid brother and father.
The scene where he choreographs spilling liquid bear bait on his wife as she sits on an inflatable couch is hilarious.
Very funny little book about an elitist Yuppie named Marv Pushkin who gets trapped under his SUV while bear hunting in Alaska with his fat wife, his mistress, and some of his yes-men employees.
Almost every page is lough out loud funny as Marv dopes himself up to handle the pain of being chewed on by Mr. Bear. To keep boredom at bay he goes inside his mind and opens up about his love for his Rover; his love of things and his hatred of nature; the Mexican and his illegal kids who don't detail his car right; his marriage to his fat wife, Edna; his affair with a buxom subordinate; and even the unusual death of his kid brother and father.
The scene where he choreographs spilling liquid bear bait on his wife as she sits on an inflatable couch is hilarious.
January 23, 2009
Marv Pushkin is an asshole. He is a greedy, drug-addicted, nature-hating, member of middle-management who cheats on his wife. He is also pinned beneath his SUV, loaded up with pain-killers, while a bear is eating him alive. So begins Mykle Hansen’s comedic bizarro novel, “Help! A Bear is Eating Me!�
The ambicious premise of the book is that it takes place totally in the mind of Marv Pushkin while he is being eaten. There is very little action that takes place during the story but the character of Marv makes the book completely absorbing. Marv may be a jerk, but he is a charming, talented story-teller. This is a difficult literary trick to pull off, but Hansen succeeds with impressive ease.
Hansen has a strong and engrossing writing voice. In the hands of a lesser talented author, a book with this premise would totally fall flat. Instead, Hansen tells an addictive story that the reader will not be able to put.
Hansen also gives the reader much to think about. Marv is a charicture of those corporate losers which everyone encounters. Using this kind of person as a main character, Hansen satirizes many aspects of modern living. Be it money, sex, or friendship, Marv is never satisfied with what he has and is completely consumned with a desire for more material wealth.
“Help! A Bear is Eating Me!� is a unique and memorable work of absurb humor. Mykle Hansen has crafted a fascinating character study of a thoroughly unlikable person. While the reader may not sympathize with Marv, it is hard to pull away from his plight.
The ambicious premise of the book is that it takes place totally in the mind of Marv Pushkin while he is being eaten. There is very little action that takes place during the story but the character of Marv makes the book completely absorbing. Marv may be a jerk, but he is a charming, talented story-teller. This is a difficult literary trick to pull off, but Hansen succeeds with impressive ease.
Hansen has a strong and engrossing writing voice. In the hands of a lesser talented author, a book with this premise would totally fall flat. Instead, Hansen tells an addictive story that the reader will not be able to put.
Hansen also gives the reader much to think about. Marv is a charicture of those corporate losers which everyone encounters. Using this kind of person as a main character, Hansen satirizes many aspects of modern living. Be it money, sex, or friendship, Marv is never satisfied with what he has and is completely consumned with a desire for more material wealth.
“Help! A Bear is Eating Me!� is a unique and memorable work of absurb humor. Mykle Hansen has crafted a fascinating character study of a thoroughly unlikable person. While the reader may not sympathize with Marv, it is hard to pull away from his plight.
July 7, 2014
JERK WARNING!
Marv Pushkin, our MC, is a DICK, straight up.... not a nice person, AT ALL!!
...but does he deserve to be eaten by a bear?
I loved this story! Recommended and provided by the wonderful karen, HELP! A Bear is Eating Me! is a wonderful exploration of the limits of compassion -- mine for Marv -- and the answer to the age old question, If a jerk is being eaten by a bear in the woods of Alaska does anyone give a shit?!
Dangerously funny and deranged :)
March 20, 2014
Mon dieu! Vive le bears!
I do not speak French and can't even read this translation, but I still own TEN COPIES. That's how good it is!
I do not speak French and can't even read this translation, but I still own TEN COPIES. That's how good it is!
January 4, 2024
Marv Pushkin is despicable. He thinks he's better than anyone, he's misogynistic, he's scornful, he's vulgar,... I hate that guy!
The thing is, he's stuck under his car. He's being eaten by a bear.
And it serves sodding him right! This ends my review, thanks 😇😆
The thing is, he's stuck under his car. He's being eaten by a bear.
And it serves sodding him right! This ends my review, thanks 😇😆
July 29, 2010
I can’t even describe what a scumbag Marv Pushkin is. He is the product of everything wrong with modern civilized human beings. His life is defined by corporate wealth, mind-numbing pharmaceuticals, and chauvinistic douchebaggery. He is the epitome of consumerist arrogance. He’s built himself a colossal ego decorated with material possessions, each more vulgar and expensive than the last. Marv Pushkin is an arrogant, self-absorbed, self-righteous, and downright horrible man.
But does he deserve to get eaten by a bear? That’s Mykle Hansen’s take, and I have to admit that it’s really really brilliant. Hansen does a perfect job showing us the absolute worst sort of human being that our consumerist culture can produce. The entire story is told by Marv, who’s trapped under his SUV in the wilderness of Alaska when he and his corporate underlings are on a team building exercise. Marv hates nature, by the way, just like he hates everything else. Everything that happens to him is rationalized so that it becomes someone else’s fault. Marv’s mental gymnastics always prove him to be the exceptional hero, and the people around him the idiots who bring him down, victimizing him with their stupidity.
Do you want to kill Marv Pushkin yet? There were moments when I sure did. But Mykle Hansen, just to prove how awesome a writer he is, makes Marv sympathetic. As the story goes on, Marv remains stuck under the SUV, getting dirtier and smellier, slowly being eaten by a bear. But Marv and the bear bond through their time together. Slowly but surely, Marv goes from hating the bear and everything around him to going on a weird psychedelic spirit quest that shatters his twisted thinking and allows him to actually empathize. He’s knocked down from his high horse, and it’s quite beautiful to watch him fall. And this awakening is all thanks to a hungry smelly bear. Read this book. Give it to your friends. It’ll make you think of bears in a totally new way.
But does he deserve to get eaten by a bear? That’s Mykle Hansen’s take, and I have to admit that it’s really really brilliant. Hansen does a perfect job showing us the absolute worst sort of human being that our consumerist culture can produce. The entire story is told by Marv, who’s trapped under his SUV in the wilderness of Alaska when he and his corporate underlings are on a team building exercise. Marv hates nature, by the way, just like he hates everything else. Everything that happens to him is rationalized so that it becomes someone else’s fault. Marv’s mental gymnastics always prove him to be the exceptional hero, and the people around him the idiots who bring him down, victimizing him with their stupidity.
Do you want to kill Marv Pushkin yet? There were moments when I sure did. But Mykle Hansen, just to prove how awesome a writer he is, makes Marv sympathetic. As the story goes on, Marv remains stuck under the SUV, getting dirtier and smellier, slowly being eaten by a bear. But Marv and the bear bond through their time together. Slowly but surely, Marv goes from hating the bear and everything around him to going on a weird psychedelic spirit quest that shatters his twisted thinking and allows him to actually empathize. He’s knocked down from his high horse, and it’s quite beautiful to watch him fall. And this awakening is all thanks to a hungry smelly bear. Read this book. Give it to your friends. It’ll make you think of bears in a totally new way.
December 12, 2010
I have to say that this is the purest sociopath that I have ever read. I actually like the main character in a non-commital way. I want to hit him, but I understand why he is the way he is. Also, I hate all the people who he hates.
I enjoy the conspiracy theory.
I enjoy the conspiracy theory.
June 14, 2010
This is very funny book, filled with a slew of excellent one-liners that made me chortle. Because it made me laugh, I wanted to like this book more, but there were a couple things that bugged me about it.
1. As the back cover tells me, the main characer, Marv Pushkin, is an asshole of the highest order. A drug-abusing, selfish, vain, rude, philandering asshole. I have no problem with that at all, but I was expecting something to change by the end. To set up such a character, and stick him in a situation like this (stuck under a broke down Range Rover in Alaska, a bear eating his legs, slowly dying...) I would think there would be an arc, that he would learn a lesson, develop a new perspective. Grow, change, be in some way different by the end. But that really didn't happen.
2. I felt like the author was doing the old wink-and-nudge too often, especially by the end when Marv goes off on a pro-Capitalism and anit-terrorist screed that just didn't ring true. It made him seem like a caricature, or a cardboard cutout of the 'Ugly American'. Maybe I'm just reading this at the wrong time, maybe I'm being too touchy here, but it feels old and played out. Yeah, I get it, Americans are big, fat, loud, racist, obnoxious assholes who hate the environment and love themselves some guns and gas-guzzling cars and chicks with huge tits. But Marv is little more than a stereotype, and never really developed past that. There were portions where he could have, some intimate details about his life and insight into how he maybe got to be the way he is, but it's too brief and not really explored. And because he doesn't change or grow or develop into more than this stereotype, well, that's what he remains.
The idea here is great, the cover art is awesome, and as previously mentioned, there are some really funny lines in this that definitely made it worth the read.
1. As the back cover tells me, the main characer, Marv Pushkin, is an asshole of the highest order. A drug-abusing, selfish, vain, rude, philandering asshole. I have no problem with that at all, but I was expecting something to change by the end. To set up such a character, and stick him in a situation like this (stuck under a broke down Range Rover in Alaska, a bear eating his legs, slowly dying...) I would think there would be an arc, that he would learn a lesson, develop a new perspective. Grow, change, be in some way different by the end. But that really didn't happen.
2. I felt like the author was doing the old wink-and-nudge too often, especially by the end when Marv goes off on a pro-Capitalism and anit-terrorist screed that just didn't ring true. It made him seem like a caricature, or a cardboard cutout of the 'Ugly American'. Maybe I'm just reading this at the wrong time, maybe I'm being too touchy here, but it feels old and played out. Yeah, I get it, Americans are big, fat, loud, racist, obnoxious assholes who hate the environment and love themselves some guns and gas-guzzling cars and chicks with huge tits. But Marv is little more than a stereotype, and never really developed past that. There were portions where he could have, some intimate details about his life and insight into how he maybe got to be the way he is, but it's too brief and not really explored. And because he doesn't change or grow or develop into more than this stereotype, well, that's what he remains.
The idea here is great, the cover art is awesome, and as previously mentioned, there are some really funny lines in this that definitely made it worth the read.
January 16, 2011
This book is a wonderful example of Karma at work. Payback can be fun, if you are at least a little sick in the head. I happen to love revenge movies. They can be extremely fulfilling, kind of rewarding. Maybe because real life does not work like that. This book gives me a similar feeling.
Some of my recent reads have been classified as humorous and I have griped in a few reviews that I did not connect with the authors in terms of what is funny and what is annoying. This book is funny. For others it may be annoying or insulting so consider this a warning.
The main character is the asshole you love to hate. I also have to give the author props or making me feel a twinge of guilt for feeling so, with Jimmy's story.
"Use your anger tools!"
Some of my recent reads have been classified as humorous and I have griped in a few reviews that I did not connect with the authors in terms of what is funny and what is annoying. This book is funny. For others it may be annoying or insulting so consider this a warning.
The main character is the asshole you love to hate. I also have to give the author props or making me feel a twinge of guilt for feeling so, with Jimmy's story.
"Use your anger tools!"
January 18, 2010
This book is rawr!
More comedy than tragedy, the main character Marv Pushkin is the biggest douche nozzle this side of the apocalypse has ever seen and he totally gets his just desserts.
I guarantee that you will hate, abhor, and want to take your hostilites out on this character, while laughing at his stupidity all the while. But don't take my word for it, check this book out (and the audio files on Mykle's website) and enjoy the carnage. Trust me you'll be glad you did!
More comedy than tragedy, the main character Marv Pushkin is the biggest douche nozzle this side of the apocalypse has ever seen and he totally gets his just desserts.
I guarantee that you will hate, abhor, and want to take your hostilites out on this character, while laughing at his stupidity all the while. But don't take my word for it, check this book out (and the audio files on Mykle's website) and enjoy the carnage. Trust me you'll be glad you did!
February 1, 2009
A very silly and entertaining novella that asks the question, does an asshole deserve to be eaten by a bear? After reading this book, I'm thinking yes, yes he does.
January 1, 2011
When I was twelve, a ranger at Yellowstone National Park asked me if I knew how to tell a black bear from a grizzly. I didn't. The ranger replied, "You kick him in the butt and climb up a tree. If he follows you up the tree, it's a black bear."
Now to the review...
First the bad news. The protagonist of this novel is an greedy misogynist asshole who loathes humanity and hates the environment. He embodies every evil facet of the corporate type you can think of. He is totally unlikable and undeserving of our sympathy.
Good news. He is being eaten by a bear.
And that is where we enter this very funny novel. Mykle Hansen's novel can be read as a social commentary on where our cultural and social greed has gotten us and an indictment of the corporate mentality. Or it can be read as simply a grossly sick and funny book about an asshole being eaten by a bear. Either way, this book had me laughing hysterically from the opening line, "You think you got problems? I'm being eaten by a bear" to the ending which I dare not reveal less the author sends a bear to my house to eat me. If there is any weakness in this tale, it is in the fact that Marvin Pushkin is maybe too much of an asshole. It might have been nice to empathize with the character a bit rather than seeing him simply as a symbol of where our corporate society has gone wrong. On the other hand, if I did empathize with him I would probably feel guilty reading about him being eaten by a bear. What kind of fun would that be?
In summarizing, Mr. Hansen's brief novel is side splitting funny. It is the perfect short read for the time you need to forget your problems and laugh at another person's misery, of course a fictional other person's misery. After all, I'm not heartless.
Did I mention he gets eaten by a bear?
Now to the review...
First the bad news. The protagonist of this novel is an greedy misogynist asshole who loathes humanity and hates the environment. He embodies every evil facet of the corporate type you can think of. He is totally unlikable and undeserving of our sympathy.
Good news. He is being eaten by a bear.
And that is where we enter this very funny novel. Mykle Hansen's novel can be read as a social commentary on where our cultural and social greed has gotten us and an indictment of the corporate mentality. Or it can be read as simply a grossly sick and funny book about an asshole being eaten by a bear. Either way, this book had me laughing hysterically from the opening line, "You think you got problems? I'm being eaten by a bear" to the ending which I dare not reveal less the author sends a bear to my house to eat me. If there is any weakness in this tale, it is in the fact that Marvin Pushkin is maybe too much of an asshole. It might have been nice to empathize with the character a bit rather than seeing him simply as a symbol of where our corporate society has gone wrong. On the other hand, if I did empathize with him I would probably feel guilty reading about him being eaten by a bear. What kind of fun would that be?
In summarizing, Mr. Hansen's brief novel is side splitting funny. It is the perfect short read for the time you need to forget your problems and laugh at another person's misery, of course a fictional other person's misery. After all, I'm not heartless.
Did I mention he gets eaten by a bear?
June 23, 2009
Holy crap, what a politically incorrect, downright disgusting, and thoroughly enjoyable read! We all know people like the narrator of this story, one Marv Pushkin, a deeply despicable human being who deserves to be eaten by a bear... this is a fun, quick read which you will remember for a long, long time... I loved it!
February 3, 2010
What do you do with a messed up jerk who refuses to sit for psychoanalysis?
Why, you pin him under the weight of his SUV in the wilds of Alaska while a bear gnaws off his legs, and you watch the hilarity ensue!
Why, you pin him under the weight of his SUV in the wilds of Alaska while a bear gnaws off his legs, and you watch the hilarity ensue!
Read
March 13, 2024not a bad lil novella. lasts about as long as the G train if you take it start to finish in both directions. consider it perhaps a gory book-length explication of the misfit's famous line from "a good man is hard to find."
December 10, 2010
When I began reading “Help! A Bear is Eating Me!� I was so frustrated with the narrator that I almost wanted to stop reading it, just out of spite. Who would create such a terrible person? There was no way I was ever going to sympathize with this douchebag. But, try as I might, I could not stop reading this book. I tried everything. But the writing was so engaging, and so amusing, and the story kept getting better and better.
For a novel in which 90% of the story takes place under the carriage of an SUV, this story feels like it spans an entire lifetime.
And in the end� I sympathized with that douchebag.
I worried about the conclusion as I was approaching the end of the book, loving it more and more and suspecting that the ending would disappoint, but once again Mykle Hansen proved me wrong.
This book is a masterpiece. Once I stopped protesting the douchebaggery of the narrator, I was able to appreciate the awesome feat of writing an engaging, meaningful story from under an SUV.
Mykle Hansen will change your life.
For a novel in which 90% of the story takes place under the carriage of an SUV, this story feels like it spans an entire lifetime.
And in the end� I sympathized with that douchebag.
I worried about the conclusion as I was approaching the end of the book, loving it more and more and suspecting that the ending would disappoint, but once again Mykle Hansen proved me wrong.
This book is a masterpiece. Once I stopped protesting the douchebaggery of the narrator, I was able to appreciate the awesome feat of writing an engaging, meaningful story from under an SUV.
Mykle Hansen will change your life.
May 14, 2025
Başından sonuna kadar ilginç, ironiyle dolup taşan, sürükleyici ve bir bakıma sert roman. Komik mi komik ama öncelikle insanlığa dair (özellikle de Amerikan insanına) söyleyecek, bağırıp çağıracak çok şeyi var. Doğa ve insan ilişkisine dair eleştirilerini Alaska'da bir ayı saldırısına uğrayan beyaz yakalı üzerinden yapıyor. Kahramanımız da sevimsiz mi sevimsiz, gıcık mı gıcık. Ama okurken anlıyorsunuz; ava giderken avlanan bu adam hedefimizdeki adam zaten. Kitabın epey ilginç bir finali var. Son cümleye kadar gülmeye devam ettiriyor. Kitabı okurken aklıma Shameless dizisinden sahneler geliyor derken bir yerde kahramanımız başına geçen olayın filmi çekilse ayıyı William H. Macy oynar diyordu. Yeraltı edebiyatı dedikleri şeye yakın sayılabilecek bir kısa ama kuvvetli bir roman. Adı dahil pek enteresan ve ilk cümlesinden itibaren keyifli bir okuma, güçlü eleştirel bir izlence vaad ediyor. Phone Booth filmini sevenler ve biraz daha mizah isteyenler bu kitabı sever arkadaşlar.
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