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How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk
AVOID THE JERKS AND FIND “THE ONE� WHO'S RIGHT FOR YOU "An insightful and creative contribution to managing the complexity of choosing a life partner. I heartily recommend it."
--Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find "Don't be part of the 'where-was-this-book-when-I-needed-it?' crowd. It's not too late--read it now!"
--Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy Based on years of research on marital and premarital happiness, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk (previously published in hardcover as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk ) will help you break destructive dating patterns that have kept you from finding the love you deserve:
--Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want and Keeping the Love You Find "Don't be part of the 'where-was-this-book-when-I-needed-it?' crowd. It's not too late--read it now!"
--Pat Love, Ed.D., author of The Truth About Love and Hot Monogamy Based on years of research on marital and premarital happiness, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk (previously published in hardcover as How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk ) will help you break destructive dating patterns that have kept you from finding the love you deserve:
336 pages, Paperback
First published August 28, 2006
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 288 reviews
March 15, 2013
Definitely a Christian view of relationships. This book discourages premarital sex, cohabitation, and any relationship model other than monogamy. It attempts to slip Scripture in the text without being blatant about it. There was a lot of solid advice though about how love and what we perceive as love can blind one to your partner's faults early on in the relationship so you ignore patterns that otherwise would be noticeable. The book did have a lot of solid relationship advice though about ways to relate to and get to know your partner before making a deeper emotional investment. Like most things, I am going to take what worked for me and apply it. It is a book well worth reading and thinking about despite the somewhat preachy tone.
February 7, 2022
If you had asked me in the first chapter or two what I would rate this book, it might have been as high as a four; the author’s writing style and figures tend to obfuscate his meaning. I learned of the book from a YouTube video by someone recommending it—their quick explanation of RAM restated it in an actual clear and useful way. Van Epp could do with some clarity, but I saw a lot of my ex-husband in the anecdotes.
I bought the book in hopes of not getting lost in my own fantasy narrative with the man I’ve been seeing, but as the book moved past identifying red flags in the dating phase and into a very limited perspective in terms of commitment and sex, it grew more and more disappointing. And it’s almost embarrassingly heteronormative and marriage-focused.
I went from underlining meaningful wisdom to yelling at this very old-fashioned, conservative man who clearly looked at a lot of his data in a vacuum.
He talks about the “recent� (30-50 years ago) increase in cohabitation or too many sexual partners before marriage as the reason for so much divorce, and continually draws a line from the mid 1970s as the end of the salad days of solid (miserable) marriages. Hey, Doc: you know why more marriages started ending in the 1970s? Because women were finally entering the work force en made; they could have their own credit cards and bank accounts, could obtain birth control or if need be a legal abortion, and didn’t have to be married to a piece of crap just to stay alive. It’s not cohabitation that is the problem—check out Denmark and the Netherlands. Divorce isn’t new at all; heard of Henry VIII? Modern marriage for love instead of property merger is not even 200 years old, and while women still aren’t legally equal to men in the US Constitution, we can at least have viable lives single now.
This author neglects other reasons for divorce, like discovering one’s non-binary or non-hetero identity, financial abuse, or the death of a child.
I went from inspired to disgusted in the six days it took to read this book.
I recommend it for Christians who are good with waiting until marriage because you’ll have no other tools than this; the rest of us will learn from our mistakes like grownups.
I bought the book in hopes of not getting lost in my own fantasy narrative with the man I’ve been seeing, but as the book moved past identifying red flags in the dating phase and into a very limited perspective in terms of commitment and sex, it grew more and more disappointing. And it’s almost embarrassingly heteronormative and marriage-focused.
I went from underlining meaningful wisdom to yelling at this very old-fashioned, conservative man who clearly looked at a lot of his data in a vacuum.
He talks about the “recent� (30-50 years ago) increase in cohabitation or too many sexual partners before marriage as the reason for so much divorce, and continually draws a line from the mid 1970s as the end of the salad days of solid (miserable) marriages. Hey, Doc: you know why more marriages started ending in the 1970s? Because women were finally entering the work force en made; they could have their own credit cards and bank accounts, could obtain birth control or if need be a legal abortion, and didn’t have to be married to a piece of crap just to stay alive. It’s not cohabitation that is the problem—check out Denmark and the Netherlands. Divorce isn’t new at all; heard of Henry VIII? Modern marriage for love instead of property merger is not even 200 years old, and while women still aren’t legally equal to men in the US Constitution, we can at least have viable lives single now.
This author neglects other reasons for divorce, like discovering one’s non-binary or non-hetero identity, financial abuse, or the death of a child.
I went from inspired to disgusted in the six days it took to read this book.
I recommend it for Christians who are good with waiting until marriage because you’ll have no other tools than this; the rest of us will learn from our mistakes like grownups.
March 31, 2021
I found this read a big source of clarity to empower me in dating. I find myself sharing snippets of what I have learned and hope to encourage others to take the time to read it too. A note, it did feel long at times and there was a lot to digest - but great nonetheless.
March 8, 2023
"The most fundamental identifying feature of true jerks is their persistent resistance to ever changing their core qualities.. If it is possible to reform a jerk, it 'll almost require a major life crisis or life transforming event. But the longer the Jerk's track record, the lower the likelihood for improvement"
In his book, Van Epp discusses how to find your soulmate and avoid jerks. So he started of by talking about jerks and then how to tell if you found your soulmate.
"Three identifying features of jerks is their habit of breaking boundaries, their inability to see other's perspectives and their dangerous lack of emotional controls & balance"
I liked the fact that in contrast with the classical view of relationships. this book discourages premarital sex and cohabitation.
A useful book but still it doesn't come up with a new discovery.
"Love is not a random force that mindlessly guides a person to the perfect partner and that a person is responsible for using one's head in the interests of one's heart"
In his book, Van Epp discusses how to find your soulmate and avoid jerks. So he started of by talking about jerks and then how to tell if you found your soulmate.
"Three identifying features of jerks is their habit of breaking boundaries, their inability to see other's perspectives and their dangerous lack of emotional controls & balance"
I liked the fact that in contrast with the classical view of relationships. this book discourages premarital sex and cohabitation.
A useful book but still it doesn't come up with a new discovery.
"Love is not a random force that mindlessly guides a person to the perfect partner and that a person is responsible for using one's head in the interests of one's heart"
July 17, 2014
By the time I find the unicorn this guy seems to think is just a simple, well thought out, choice away, I'll be 100. Terribly misogynistic, as well.
For many parts, I wanted to yell, "But correlation is not causation!"
For many parts, I wanted to yell, "But correlation is not causation!"
August 1, 2024
The most practical and helpful dating book I've ever come across. Honestly, I think everyone who is single but wants to be in a healthy romantic relationship should read it.
Docked one star for being a tad dry here and there, but the information is invaluable and potentially life-changing. It's not just how to avoid falling in love with a jerk, it's how to pick a parter.
How can you know if you're compatible and how can you pace the relationship to maximize chances of success and minimize risk of getting your heart broken? This book gives you the science on that. Love it.
Docked one star for being a tad dry here and there, but the information is invaluable and potentially life-changing. It's not just how to avoid falling in love with a jerk, it's how to pick a parter.
How can you know if you're compatible and how can you pace the relationship to maximize chances of success and minimize risk of getting your heart broken? This book gives you the science on that. Love it.
April 16, 2018
Came highly recommended as a relationship book --not just pre-marriage.
So far, so good! the R.A.M.(relationship attachment model) explaining the sliding and progressive scale of Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch is very well thought out and the deeper explanations take a complex idea and make it very simple, straightforward, and dead on.
I want my daughters to read this when they're dating age! good advice on proper intimacy and relationship development that is in line with our values and gives a different context and adds more understanding to my testimony of divine laws and commandments as well as proper relationship development
So far, so good! the R.A.M.(relationship attachment model) explaining the sliding and progressive scale of Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, Touch is very well thought out and the deeper explanations take a complex idea and make it very simple, straightforward, and dead on.
I want my daughters to read this when they're dating age! good advice on proper intimacy and relationship development that is in line with our values and gives a different context and adds more understanding to my testimony of divine laws and commandments as well as proper relationship development
June 3, 2021
This is *the* book I recommend to anyone in or interested in a relationship. I started reading it a year and a half ago right as I met a very attractive young lady, and we followed it decently well, and we now plan on getting married in a few months and have a very healthy relationship in no small part because of the advice found here.
Furthermore, Van App subtly exposes weaknesses within your own disposition towards relationships and forces you to get work internally as you wish to become a better significant other for someone else.
Furthermore, Van App subtly exposes weaknesses within your own disposition towards relationships and forces you to get work internally as you wish to become a better significant other for someone else.
May 25, 2021
I would give this book a higher rating probably if it didn’t include stuff about cohabitation and sex before marriage. There were many gems throughout that I learned from. But I can’t forgive the purity BS, having come myself from a very damaging religious background. The authors personal views on these topics prevent this from being a realistic guide for anyone. If you don’t want some purity brainwash crap avoid this book.
October 24, 2007
Very, VERY useful book. I wish i'd read it 5 years ago. Practical information about what to look for, what WON'T change, what you SHOULD change, and how to break some of the patterns you have. Basically the predictor of your future relationships is your past ones, and the only thing they have in common is...you. Depressing thought! Lots of food for thought. I'm hoping i'll do something different in my next relationship!! :-D
February 22, 2024
I had to read this book for my marriage and relationship skills class, and I was surprised at how much I liked it. I have been known to read non-fiction, self-help type books in the past, but I've never really enjoyed them as much as fiction. I like stories, but I also love learning, and this book provided a great mix of both. Every chapter was full of anecdotes and statistics. Maybe it's because I'm currently engaged, but I felt like I was learning something new and useful on every page. The RAM (Relationship Attachment Model) is such a simple gauge for measuring how healthy a relationship is that I've noticed I've begun judging relationships in TV and movies, so whoops.
The only reason this book is four stars instead of five is that I never found myself picking it up for fun. I only read it when there was a reading quiz for class. It was a bit of a drag, but maybe that's because I was reading the ebook version, and I kinda hate ebooks. It was well-written, but there was no real hook or draw for me, even though I was learning so much. I think part of it was also that I was learning a lot of the same stuff in class. Either way, it was good.
The only reason this book is four stars instead of five is that I never found myself picking it up for fun. I only read it when there was a reading quiz for class. It was a bit of a drag, but maybe that's because I was reading the ebook version, and I kinda hate ebooks. It was well-written, but there was no real hook or draw for me, even though I was learning so much. I think part of it was also that I was learning a lot of the same stuff in class. Either way, it was good.
June 7, 2022
This book was shockingly good and full of good advice for people in every stage of romance. I went into thinking it wouldn’t really be applicable to me and that I was going to be bored out of my mind but I was wrong. I highly recommend this for everyone to read.
June 18, 2019
Quite informative. I liked it. The main idea is that you should choose a partner not only listening to your heart, but also your head. Before seriously committing, you need to find out certain facts about them:
� family background (to see what relationship model they saw while growing up, what they think is normal/abnormal, especially pay attention to their relationship with a same-sex parent)
� how they treat other people, not only close friends and family, but service people as well
� how they behave with their friends and family shows how they behave naturally, not when they are trying to put their best foot forward to impress you which happens only at the beginning of a relationship
� what their conscience is like: are they genuinely good or evil, are they capable of doing bad?
� are you compatible? your energy levels, your preferences of spending free time, vacations, views on how to raise kids, religion etc.
� previous relationships: how and why did they end?
The sad epiphany of the book for me must have been the fact that moving on to physical intimacy may interfere with the process of getting to know your partner. Intimacy ignites you, sometimes blinds you and emotions don’t let you see if you are really on the same page.
Know trustrelycommittouch.
Quotes:
Resolving your emotional necessities is the first step to avoiding a marriage to a jerk. It is also an indispensable step to avoid becoming the jerk in your marriage.
Deep-seated patterns of behavior start to become evident after three months.
Intimacy shouldn’t be rushed.
� family background (to see what relationship model they saw while growing up, what they think is normal/abnormal, especially pay attention to their relationship with a same-sex parent)
� how they treat other people, not only close friends and family, but service people as well
� how they behave with their friends and family shows how they behave naturally, not when they are trying to put their best foot forward to impress you which happens only at the beginning of a relationship
� what their conscience is like: are they genuinely good or evil, are they capable of doing bad?
� are you compatible? your energy levels, your preferences of spending free time, vacations, views on how to raise kids, religion etc.
� previous relationships: how and why did they end?
The sad epiphany of the book for me must have been the fact that moving on to physical intimacy may interfere with the process of getting to know your partner. Intimacy ignites you, sometimes blinds you and emotions don’t let you see if you are really on the same page.
Know trustrelycommittouch.
Quotes:
Resolving your emotional necessities is the first step to avoiding a marriage to a jerk. It is also an indispensable step to avoid becoming the jerk in your marriage.
Deep-seated patterns of behavior start to become evident after three months.
Intimacy shouldn’t be rushed.
November 5, 2018
I'm a bit late to the game with this one since I met my husband 19 years ago and we've been married for 14 of those years. My primary goal was to determine whether my choice was luck or if I had actually engaged in the proper thought process required to "avoid falling in love with a jerk". As it turns out, I possess no magical knowledge---this book doesn't either.
I found the final chapters jarring--having sex with many people before marriage increases dissatisfaction? Perhaps sex isn't the problem. Has anyone stopped to think that marriage is the problem?
I could have enjoyed the same intimate relationship with my husband if we hadn't legally married so the "stigma" of divorce wouldn't have been of any consequence. Yet, this book very much relies on the "no divorce=you didn't marry a jerk"....
I've never fallen for a complete jerk because my aim was never to analyze anything except the traits which were important to me. Those traits were intellect, willingness to work and financial sense. That's it. Easy. Everthing else that was positive ended up being a bonus.
I found the final chapters jarring--having sex with many people before marriage increases dissatisfaction? Perhaps sex isn't the problem. Has anyone stopped to think that marriage is the problem?
I could have enjoyed the same intimate relationship with my husband if we hadn't legally married so the "stigma" of divorce wouldn't have been of any consequence. Yet, this book very much relies on the "no divorce=you didn't marry a jerk"....
I've never fallen for a complete jerk because my aim was never to analyze anything except the traits which were important to me. Those traits were intellect, willingness to work and financial sense. That's it. Easy. Everthing else that was positive ended up being a bonus.
January 5, 2017
Should be a companion to The 5 Love Languages as the author has similar values and also spent years counseling couples on their issues. Useful info that goes beyond romance. Since our country just elected a jerk to be President of the United States getting familiar with the qualities of such is useful in spotting all the copy cats & those coming out of the wood work.
August 24, 2024
This book has changed my life more than almost any other piece of literature. I have learned so much about my faults, patterns, and insecurities � and how they impact my relationships. After only thirty pages I was already enlightened about why my past romantic experiences played out the way they did. John Van Epp has given me the conviction I need to improve my issues with vulnerability and relying on others. I feel so clearsighted, prepared, and most importantly hopeful for the next chapter of my life. I, loved, it!
June 13, 2020
Great concepts, the author just takes a little too long to explain them.
Read
April 2, 2024This book is amazing so far BUT I’m not in the right space of mind to read it. I will come back to it later 😁
DNF at 42%
DNF at 42%
May 18, 2024
I was happily surprised by how much I learned from this book! I think it’s a really great resource for learning about relationships. I listened to it but wound up buying my own copy so I could go back and highlight parts and have it as a reference.
July 29, 2013
This is a very informative book based on lots of research that gives many real-life examples of relationship red flags and problems. However, I deducted one star just because it is so long. It requires some work on the part of the reader to go through this book, highlight, make notes, and figure out exactly how to go about putting this information to good use. I personally wouldn't describe this as a "how to" manual. It's more of a summary of lots of academic research regarding what works best when developing quality, long-term relationships.
Some of the main takeaways for me:
1. The good doesn't always last, and the bad usually gets worse.
2. You cannot rush intimacy. Intimacy = talk + togetherness + time
3. You need to observe someone for at least 3 months before patterns of behavior become evident.
4. Chemistry is not always a good judge of character.
5. How someone treats you and makes you feel during dating sets the ceiling for your marriage to that person.
There's lots more good stuff in here. It's definitely worth reading, but you'll be slightly disappointed if you're expecting a step-by-step guide.
Some of the main takeaways for me:
1. The good doesn't always last, and the bad usually gets worse.
2. You cannot rush intimacy. Intimacy = talk + togetherness + time
3. You need to observe someone for at least 3 months before patterns of behavior become evident.
4. Chemistry is not always a good judge of character.
5. How someone treats you and makes you feel during dating sets the ceiling for your marriage to that person.
There's lots more good stuff in here. It's definitely worth reading, but you'll be slightly disappointed if you're expecting a step-by-step guide.
December 30, 2016
Ignore the click-baity title: this is actually surprisingly good and one of the few books on dating that's well-worth reading. While Van Epp's approach to dating can feel a bit too scientific and systematic at times, he offers a lot of really solid advice in this book about what you want to be looking for in a prospective spouse and what sort of questions you should be asking during the dating process. While the book isn't explicitly Christian, my understanding's that the author's a Christian, and his Christian worldview certainly bleeds through at points. My family used this as reading material for a weekly book club and this provided us with ample amounts of discussion material for the subject. Recommended.
Rating: 4.5 Stars (Excellent).
Rating: 4.5 Stars (Excellent).
November 29, 2021
I stumbled upon this book after hearing the author on a podcast. This book could have been incredibly helpful in keeping me out of a relationship with a manipulative sexual predator in my early 20’s. He was profoundly unstable in every way with rocky, unacknowledged psychological, behavioral, family of origin and ex-girlfriend issues. I knew he was rotten but was far too naive and co-dependent to successfully boot him. Since schools, faith groups and primary caregivers aren’t challenging harmful relationship myths or setting up the next generation for healthy and happy relationships, this book is filling an important niche. The principles in this book can prevent relationship disasters from moving forward and keep abusive predators single.
November 30, 2015
Poor Chris. Between the wedding books and the jerk books, he probably has terrified whiplash!
***
Well, after reading the book I feel I can state definitively that I didn't fall in love with a jerk.
This is a pretty interesting book. Like a lot of self-help books, it promises more than it delivers, but it offers real insights into looking at how relationships develop and what to pay attention to under dating situations--including your own behaviors and histories.
I recommend it for anyone who is currently dating. In a way, though I picked it up because of the inflammatory title, I fear the title probably drives more people away than it attracts.
***
Well, after reading the book I feel I can state definitively that I didn't fall in love with a jerk.
This is a pretty interesting book. Like a lot of self-help books, it promises more than it delivers, but it offers real insights into looking at how relationships develop and what to pay attention to under dating situations--including your own behaviors and histories.
I recommend it for anyone who is currently dating. In a way, though I picked it up because of the inflammatory title, I fear the title probably drives more people away than it attracts.
February 20, 2016
Well worth the read, no matter what stage of a relationship you're in. I read this book for a class, and it was wonderful! all of the advice is actually RESEARCH BASED! That's a huge plus in my eyes. This book provides a wonderful outline on how to pace a relationship and why it's effective, warning signs of problems such as addiction or abuse, and just loads of good things that everyone should talk about with a serious commited partner.
September 22, 2017
I wish I was kidding when I say that this book changed my life, but it's absolutely true. I felt as though it was written just for me and found elements of every failed relationship in it's pages. Additionally, I feel as though this book gave the skill set to move into my future relationships with more confidence and better clarity on what makes them healthy.
November 25, 2023
I thought the RAM diagram was an efficient and helpful design for building a relationship. I believe there are different things for different beings, however, it gives a good overall plan for what you should be looking for in a partner, and what you should be doing to build a healthy relationship.
December 3, 2024
The first few chapters are amazing. I really like the RAM model. Theeeeennnn, it starts to feel a little hinky. I finally looked up the author and my suspicions were confirmed- he is a former pastor, and this book absolutely contains a strong Christian bias. I personally don’t think Christians hold a monopoly on ways to have happy relationships, and sometimes, their teachings encourage people to stay in terrible relationships. I rated it 2.5 stars for first bit. I’d rate it zero stars if I was going off the last third of the book. And for everybody who says that research backs up his POV- it’s worth thinking about that research. What was it measuring? What were its assumptions? What did it not measure? When was it conducted and by whom? Who were the participants?
There is some helpful information. I *might* recommend it to some clients- with caveats. One of which is to note the authors bias before the accepting everything he says. But probably I’ll take out the useful bits and ignore the rest.
There is some helpful information. I *might* recommend it to some clients- with caveats. One of which is to note the authors bias before the accepting everything he says. But probably I’ll take out the useful bits and ignore the rest.
April 29, 2025
This book is very practical, and provides clear and tangible actions while also providing research and reasoning behind the points.
This book is pretty aligned with my current views on relationships already, perhaps making it less impactful. But it still provides helpful information like timelines, questions, patterns, etc.
For someone who has struggled in any type of relationship, this book would be even more beneficial by helping people identify potential issues/baggage as well as helping provide a start for breaking any negative patterns.
This book is pretty aligned with my current views on relationships already, perhaps making it less impactful. But it still provides helpful information like timelines, questions, patterns, etc.
For someone who has struggled in any type of relationship, this book would be even more beneficial by helping people identify potential issues/baggage as well as helping provide a start for breaking any negative patterns.
February 18, 2023
Wow!!! This book has made me realize how people are so Willy Nilly about relationships! No wonder why so many Americans are single! The world is blind to the many, many factors that influence a relationship and even how to assess people!
It is very rare that people actually learn to date appropriately , however, if that is what you want to know; this book will provide lots of valuable insight
It is very rare that people actually learn to date appropriately , however, if that is what you want to know; this book will provide lots of valuable insight
July 6, 2021
A very useful tool for people dating in their mid twenties and beyond
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