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A Practical Guide to Evil #4
A Practical Guide to Evil IV
1595 pages, ebook
First published April 9, 2018
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February 18, 2023
Just wow. So amazing in so many ways.
Quotes:
Vivienne had amused herself by picking a fucking pun she knew I’d despise but still have to use frequently � knave was another name for a jack, in Callowan card decks. Of all my companions, Thief was the one whose sense of humour always ended up screwing me some way or another.
“I was going to ask you when they’d be done, but they don’t seem to be moving,� I said.
“Performance issues,� Archer suggested. “I mean, if they’re going to wave around a big fire dick it’s only fitting.�
Oh Gods, now that she’d put the image in my head I couldn’t unsee it. Fucking Hells, Indrani.
“I thought they were called the Parish,� Archer contributed, because never once in her life had she seen a fire without reaching for a jug of oil.
“Speaking of, I heard this thing about northerners. Is it true they-�
“Every single joke about northerners and sheep has also been made about goblins and goats,� I warned him.
“Calumny,� he protested. “That hardly ever happens unless the goat is shaved and painted green.�
I rolled my eyes.
So my sappers were importing no doubt massively oversized Wasteland scorpions, naming them after old opponents of mine and pitting them in death fights. I truly wished I could say that was the worst thing I’d ever caught them doing, but this was a bad time to start lying to myself.
She’s playing you like a spectacularly dim fiddle.�
The Saint of Swords sighed.
“Fine,� she said. “The honourable Prince of Iserre is displaying the intellectual faculties of an averagely dim fiddle.�
The Grey Pilgrim looked pained.
“Death is death,� Masego dismissed. “But the way you carry yourself now, as if they put stones on your shoulder? This I hold against them.�
I bumped my hip against his side affectionately, then leant against his shoulder. He allowed it without comment, which was as close as he’d ever come to openly returning the affection. I’d never quite get him, would I? How in the same sentence he could display both kindness and utter apathy.
“One swing,� I said. “If you can take that, I’m probably out of luck.�
The heroine laughed.
“Well,� she grinned. “Give it your best shot.�
Ice formed a sword blade out of my knife as I shifted my grip. Steadying my stance, I allowed the power of Winter to gather in me. Motes of blue emanated from my frame. To my surprise, the Saint actually bothered to get into a stance of her own. Huh, she was taking me seriously. That was kind of flattering.
“Welp,� I said, and ran away.
She whinnied, which I definitely hadn’t told her to do, and smugly trotted away.
It was telling that, at this point in my life, even my undead horse was sassing me.
Abigail had bought a sack of leeches in Laure and paid someone to drop them in Tribune Ashan’s bedding when no one was looking.
That fucker was the one who’d recommended her for promotion.
The Black Queen had seen their priestly fuckery and raised them mass slaughter, which had been good for morale.
I probably shouldn’t have gotten sauced and insulted the entire family before leaving, she decided. Now even if I come crawling on my knees they’ll make me marry a cousin before taking me back.
“I just can’t do it,� Tribune Abigail of Summerholm sighed. “They all look like ferrets.�
“What I mean is, I think he does,� she said. “Or did.�
Love me, she meant. In his own way.
“Doesn’t matter,� I said. “He can put it in a box when he acts. It’s not that I don’t think it’s genuine, it’s just…�
“How can it be enough, if it can fit in a box?� she said.
I didn’t have to stop being a � unfairly characterized, I believed � murderous asshole. I just had to be their murderous asshole. Metaphorically speaking. Probably.
“That remains a surprisingly effective trick,� the monster mused. “I really should send her a thank you note.�
“You,� Hanno said. “What have you done?�
“Blown up a rather expensive horse,� the Black Knight said. “With the dark and wicked spell of wick and cheap matches. My coffers aren’t what they used to be. Tremble, White Knight, for my power is truly boundless within reasonable limits.�
“You said, to be exact: ‘Trust me, Masego, she’ll love it. This will have no consequences whatsoever.’�
“And you believed her?� I asked.
“Trust is the foundation of a healthy friendship,� he told me. “I’ve acquired a book on the subject. Very informative.�
Hakram smothered a laugh by faking a coughing fit.
“But why are the trees on fire?�
“Zeze and I had a philosophical argument,� Indrani explained. “He’s a terribly sore loser.�
My gaze turned to Hierophant, who looked vaguely embarrassed.
“She dropped a branch on me,� he admitted. “And she’s quite good at avoiding fireballs.�
My brow rose.
“That’s seven trees, Masego,� I patiently said.
“I am the best at dodging,� Archer boasted without an ounce of shame in her body.
“You don’t even pay us!� Archer protested.
I blinked in surprise.
“Of course I do,� I said. “All of you have been gathering general’s pay since Second Liesse. Indrani, you have a vault in Laure. I handed you the key myself, remember?�
“Yeah, but it was empty,� Archer said. “I thought you were just yanking my chain.�
Slowly, I turned to Thief. Who looked the very picture of maidenly innocence.�
“Vivienne,� I said very mildly. “Have you been secretly robbing one of your beloved comrades for almost a year now?�
The dark-haired woman batted her eyes in lovely confusion.
“All right, you incompetent gaggle of vandals,� I said. “Someone put out those trees. And get me a skewer of that stag, I want to find out how it tastes when you use hellfire to roast it.�
As it turned out, genuinely awful. By that time, though, we were too drunk to mind.
“Awake?� Adjutant said, moving slightly aside.
Ugh, he’d been a comfortable mattress even if he was way too warm. How dare he.
“So, now we take a hard look at our options,� I said. “The name of the game tonight being: is there literally any other option that the Dead King?�
“It would be,� I said slowly. “If they were taken by surprise.�
There was a long moment of silence in the room.
“Are you proposing,� Juniper gravelled, “that we double-cross the Dead King?�
“I mean,� I hedged, “I wouldn’t put it exactly like that.�
“That means yes,� Masego helpfully informed Archer in a whisper.
“So,� I said. “Anyone else have a bad feeling about this?” “Yes,� Hakram bluntly said.
“Haven’t had a good one in years,� Vivienne admitted.
See, the thing is that she acts. Sometimes those actions are mistake, like going after the fae and leaving you to plot under your rock in Liesse. But, most of the time, she improves things. Just by a little bit. And she draws other people who act with her. You think that’s some unearthly trait, like she’s some force of nature, but that’s Wasteland talk. The Tower’s the centre of the world for you, and the most important person in the world is the one that climbs it.�
The other Callowan paused.
“Except she’s not,� Vivienne said. “The exemplar of whatever fucked up Praesi virtues you want to sing about, that is. She’s kind of petty, her temper’s foul and if Hakram hadn’t stepped in she’d probably be a drunk. She ogles every pretty face that shows up even if they’re our enemies, and she cannot for the life of her shut the Hells up even when she really needs to. She’s not unique or irreplaceable, but even if you think otherwise that doesn’t really matter � because she’s part of something greater than her.
It sometimes occurred to me that I wouldn’t like myself very much, if I met me as a stranger. That I’d ended up stabbing one of the doppelgangers in my soul seemed less and less a coincidence as I grew older.
“Which neatly takes us to our next point of order. Today’s lecture: what we want from the Dead King, why, and what we’re willing to give in exchange.�
Hierophant raised his hand. I eyed him darkly. Had he even ever sat in classroom?
“Yes, Masego,� I said.
“Is this a mandatory lecture?� he politely asked.
Archer smothered her convulsive laughter into Hakram’s shoulder, the wretch.
“Yes,� I patiently said. “Yes it is.�
“We so declare the following,� Vivienne read out loud. “That all who took part in the seventy-third conclave of Salia are guilty, of: perverse service to earthly powers, false righteousness for earthly purpose and, declaration of godless sanctions.�
“That first one,� Archer decided, “will be the title of my memoirs. I feel it really captures the spirit of what I’m about.�
We decided in turn, as a family and also Akua, to pretend she had remained silent.
“Callowans as a people can be summed up by the fact that, before the Uncivil Wars had even come to a close, it’d become a common boast among the populace that the Black Queen had not even spent a sennight in Keter before having several counts of arson and murder to her name.” � Extract from the personal memoirs of Lady Aisha Bishara
“Was it locked?� I sighed.
“Is it really a lock if it breaks?� Archer mused. “That’s a question for the philosophers, Catherine. We’re straying off topic.�
“Just don’t blow up my skull, Zeze,� I sighed. “I’m not sure it’d grow back.�
His lips thinned.
“If you’d just let me-�
“We have a rule, Masego,� I said patiently. “What is that rule?�
“We don’t vivisect friends,� he muttered mulishly. “Even when we could learn the most interesting things from it.�
Black had once told me that people could get used to nearly anything, if it happened regularly for long enough. It was one of those little truths he enjoyed that seemed vague but ended up relevant surprisingly often. To demonstrate: arson. No matter what rumours Robber kept spreading, I didn’t actually enjoy setting things on fire. Sure, it was one of the most frequently used tools in my arsenal even if it did have the nasty tendency of collateral damage. But it wasn’t, like, my first resort.
When you tossed a match onto goblinfire, the closest thing there was to control available was damage control. Sadly, as I helped Vivienne pour oil on a wooden frame, I was forced to admit that I had gotten used to arson.
“You look like you’re trying to convince yourself of something very hard,� Thief noted.
“I’m just saying it’s disingenuous to call me a pyromaniac when I have actual pyromaniacs in my employ,� I told her. “It trivializes the word to use it like that. Is that really so hard to understand?�
The other woman cocked an eyebrow.
“I’m going to pretend you never said that,� she informed me. “And hope Hakram fixes whatever is wrong with your…�
She paused.
“� everything,� she finally said. “What’s wrong with your everything.�
“Just pour the godsdamned oil,� I sighed.
“Oh, look,� I said. “Adjutant is sick.�
There was a heartbeat of silence. Hakram coughed into his fist.
“I am,� he loyally said.
“It’s the fire,� I told Athal. “Orcs are notoriously afraid of it. We have to get him out of here before it gets worse.�
I felt Masego twitch and shot him a glare. Now is not the time to be a pedant, Zeze. Do not contradict my blatant lies.
“I feel faint,� the orc added dutifully. “Like a dove. A dove that is sick.�
Way to sell it, Hakram. Glad to have you on the team.
“Look on the bright side, Cat,� Adjutant grinned, ivory fangs bared. “How can they foil our master plan if even we don’t know our master plan?�
I wondered what it said about us as a group that we frequently ragged on Vivienne failing to murder my closest friend in the world.
“It’s all right, Vivienne,� he consoled her. “No one thinks less of you for it. You’re very good at other crimes.�
“I � you � thank you, Masego,� she finally got out, soundly defeated.
Would it be incriminating to thank the Dead King for widening my horizons, do you think?�
“Yes,� I replied immediately.
“Very,� Vivienne added.
“That’s a shame,� the one-eyed mage murmured. “Perhaps just a gift, then. I would not want to be an ingrate.�
“He’s the immemorial undead overlord of a hellscape and a half, Zeze,� I said. “I don’t think fresh apple bread and decent wine are ever really in order with him.�
“Maybe the soul of a minor irritant, bound to an ironically chosen household object,� he mused.
Like proper villains, we put a magic gate between ourselves and the consequences of our actions before silently agreeing to pretend none of it had taken place.
“Does this actually ever work?� I heard Akua ask Masego in a whisper.
There was a beat.
“It got us into Skade,� he eventually conceded.
“Are you trying to lie to an oracle?� the Skein said, by the sound of it genuinely offended
“It’s like watching a demon get loose,� Akua murmured. “You know you should run, but you just have to look.�
“Did you truly expect this to succeed?� the Skein eventually asked.
“I’ve rolled the dice on worse odds,� I admitted, perhaps a little too honestly.
While that was not a high point by any definition of the term, it definitely went downhill from there.
“People went to the streets after your court declared martial law,� Juniper replied. “So she had the palace cellars emptied and every winesink in the city do the same on the crown’s coin.�
“She got rioters drunk?� I hissed.
“Drunk enough they weren’t able to riot,� the Hellhound said.
“I’m not taking culinary trash talk from a drunken vagrant and a woman whose people think poison is actual seasoning,� I replied defensively.
“Succession,� I said, and tried to slap my fingers back on the pile of cards before anyone else could.
Akua’s fingers almost slid under mine in time, but at the last moment she stopped and a wondrous wonderland of no longer having to traipse around this fucking godforsaken countryside for dead wood presented itself to my eyes. Then Indrani’s knife went through my hand, technically touching the cards first and winning succession. There was a heartbeat of silence.
“Archer,� I said patiently. “Is there a knife through my hand?�
She mused over that, then met my eyes.
“No,� she told me. “’tis but an illusion.�
Naturally, I decked her in the face.
Holding it by the tip I pointed it accusingly at Diabolist.
“You could have said something,� I complained.
“I debated saying ‘watch out, she has a knife�,� Akua acknowledged. “But really, that could apply to any of us.�
“Right,� she said, wiping her eyes clear, “So I’ve got good news and bad news.�
“Let’s start with the good news, for once,� I tried.
“The good news is that there’s only one bit of bad news,� she replied with a winning smile.
Akua closed her eyes, looking physically pained.
“I cannot believe I fell for that,� she muttered.
She flipped me off, I mimed drowning her in the pool and with the traditional rites complete we parted ways.
“Worked, didn’t it?� I said. “We played to our strengths-�
“Blatant lies,� she helpfully provided.
�- and their weaknesses,� I finished.
“Expecting sense of us?� she suggested.
“Unorthodox approaches,� I righteously corrected.
“Yours is the laziest, sloppiest form of treachery I have ever countered,� I said. “I can’t believe that’s a mark in your favour, but Gods help me it is. Anyhow, I’m not angry. Surprised? No, surprised is too weak a word. Befuddled.�
“I mean, you left us alone without supervision so when you really think about it who’s really at fault?� Indrani said.
There was a pause.
“You. You are that fault. That was what I was implying,� she revealed.
“I left you two alone for two hours and a half tops, Archer,� I complained. “How the Hells did you end up ‘accidentally� taking over another sigil?�
“There’s a very good explanation for that,� Indrani assured me.
My brow rose, and I gestured for her to speak. Silence persisted.
“I can’t think of a believable lie,� she admitted after a moment.
“Have you considered giving me an actual truthful accounting?� I suggested.
“What is this, a bloody House of Light?� she complained, then her eyes brightened. “Although, if you’re willing to wear ripped up sister robes I’m more than willing to give you my confessions.�
“Fine,� she pouted. “So I was, like, making small talk with Ivah while surrounded by corpses.�
“As one does,� I said.
“Right? We never go anywhere without there being corpses around, we should work on that,� she said. “Anyways, it was all like ‘Archer, you peerless beauty whose charm has moved me, I’m going to brag so you become interested me�.�
“Classic Ivah,� I agreed.
The worst part, I thought, was that she was perfectly aware that the name of the sigil and sigil-holder had been Berelun. She was yanking my chain. I knew that. She knew I knew that. And I knew that she knew I knew that. Yet if I actually corrected her I would lose, and that was just unacceptable.
Masego wondered if it was too late to ask for their names. It probably was. Father had provided him a list with names and descriptions, but he’d needed something to wipe an acid stain and he hadn’t felt like getting up to fetch a cloth. That might have been a tactical mistake of sorts, he reluctantly conceded. In his experience, if you asked people their name after conversing with them for more than four sentences they tended to get angry.
“You want to steal pieces of Creation and auction them off to nations,� she said. “Dearest, this might be the first of your designs I can say I wholeheartedly endorse.�
“It’s not stealing,� I protested. “You can’t own a lake. I mean, legally yes and nobody better take mine, but when you think about it in a religious sense-�
“Sure, but back then we were dealing with everybody’s messes,� she said. “Now we’re everybody’s mess.�
“Truly, you are the great philosopher of our age,� I drily said.
Not that maps were all that reliable down here. I had four different tracings from mosaics, each contradicting each other on pretty major points and one insisting rather boldly that this entire cavern was actually three dozen miles to the west and I was sadly mistaken about what my eyes were seeing.
For once, her ability to pick fights with anything sight could actually come in useful! Deep down I’d always known there would be a payoff for that eventually.
“Quite literally not what I was aiming for, but I can work with this.” � Dread Empress Regalia II, as her flying fortress began falling on Laure
“Fine,� I said. “Obviously you’re a man � drow, I mean � of deep cunning and perception. I’ll level with you, Rumena. I was going to try to murder you again.�
“I am aghast at this unexpected turn,� Mighty Rumena said.
Oh, so Crepuscular could do sarcasm. This was a day for revelations.
“Since murder doesn’t seem to be working out for me, I’ll try bribery,� I continued. “Betray� who is it you’re working for at the moment?�
“You are a surprisingly terrible liar,� Mighty Rumena said, sounding impressed in the worst way. “How have you managed to survive this long?�
“I will cherish the memory of our little talks, after your throat is slit,� Rumena said. “I believe you might be the single most aggressively ignorant creature I’ve ever encountered.�
“It should have driven you mad as well, and you sound no less coherent than usual.�
“I think we hit the bottom of that barrel a few years back, buddy,� I said.
“So, are we there yet?� I asked.
Rumena sighed, and I took perverse pride in the way I was managing to get under the skin of a creature a few millennia my senior.
“Fumbling child,� the Priestess of Night said. “You but delay the inevitable.�
“Hells, Sve,� I grinned savagely. “That’s my life in a sentence.�
Your ignorance shows once more, Catherine Foundling.�
I tried to respond ‘when does it not?�, but I was currently being choked so it came out as more of a plaintive gurgle. So, this was how it ended: literally choking on my own words. Had to give her points for the irony, if nothing else.
Might as well do what I did best: mouth off to entities beyond my comprehension.
“I know you think this is helping,� I began, then paused. “Wait, do you? Are you trying to help?�
“Would you like,� Catherine Foundling cheerfully asked, “to make your two biggest problems go at war with each other?�
There was a moment of silence.
“I am listening,� the Herald of the Deeps said.
Quotes:
Vivienne had amused herself by picking a fucking pun she knew I’d despise but still have to use frequently � knave was another name for a jack, in Callowan card decks. Of all my companions, Thief was the one whose sense of humour always ended up screwing me some way or another.
“I was going to ask you when they’d be done, but they don’t seem to be moving,� I said.
“Performance issues,� Archer suggested. “I mean, if they’re going to wave around a big fire dick it’s only fitting.�
Oh Gods, now that she’d put the image in my head I couldn’t unsee it. Fucking Hells, Indrani.
“I thought they were called the Parish,� Archer contributed, because never once in her life had she seen a fire without reaching for a jug of oil.
“Speaking of, I heard this thing about northerners. Is it true they-�
“Every single joke about northerners and sheep has also been made about goblins and goats,� I warned him.
“Calumny,� he protested. “That hardly ever happens unless the goat is shaved and painted green.�
I rolled my eyes.
So my sappers were importing no doubt massively oversized Wasteland scorpions, naming them after old opponents of mine and pitting them in death fights. I truly wished I could say that was the worst thing I’d ever caught them doing, but this was a bad time to start lying to myself.
She’s playing you like a spectacularly dim fiddle.�
The Saint of Swords sighed.
“Fine,� she said. “The honourable Prince of Iserre is displaying the intellectual faculties of an averagely dim fiddle.�
The Grey Pilgrim looked pained.
“Death is death,� Masego dismissed. “But the way you carry yourself now, as if they put stones on your shoulder? This I hold against them.�
I bumped my hip against his side affectionately, then leant against his shoulder. He allowed it without comment, which was as close as he’d ever come to openly returning the affection. I’d never quite get him, would I? How in the same sentence he could display both kindness and utter apathy.
“One swing,� I said. “If you can take that, I’m probably out of luck.�
The heroine laughed.
“Well,� she grinned. “Give it your best shot.�
Ice formed a sword blade out of my knife as I shifted my grip. Steadying my stance, I allowed the power of Winter to gather in me. Motes of blue emanated from my frame. To my surprise, the Saint actually bothered to get into a stance of her own. Huh, she was taking me seriously. That was kind of flattering.
“Welp,� I said, and ran away.
She whinnied, which I definitely hadn’t told her to do, and smugly trotted away.
It was telling that, at this point in my life, even my undead horse was sassing me.
Abigail had bought a sack of leeches in Laure and paid someone to drop them in Tribune Ashan’s bedding when no one was looking.
That fucker was the one who’d recommended her for promotion.
The Black Queen had seen their priestly fuckery and raised them mass slaughter, which had been good for morale.
I probably shouldn’t have gotten sauced and insulted the entire family before leaving, she decided. Now even if I come crawling on my knees they’ll make me marry a cousin before taking me back.
“I just can’t do it,� Tribune Abigail of Summerholm sighed. “They all look like ferrets.�
“What I mean is, I think he does,� she said. “Or did.�
Love me, she meant. In his own way.
“Doesn’t matter,� I said. “He can put it in a box when he acts. It’s not that I don’t think it’s genuine, it’s just…�
“How can it be enough, if it can fit in a box?� she said.
I didn’t have to stop being a � unfairly characterized, I believed � murderous asshole. I just had to be their murderous asshole. Metaphorically speaking. Probably.
“That remains a surprisingly effective trick,� the monster mused. “I really should send her a thank you note.�
“You,� Hanno said. “What have you done?�
“Blown up a rather expensive horse,� the Black Knight said. “With the dark and wicked spell of wick and cheap matches. My coffers aren’t what they used to be. Tremble, White Knight, for my power is truly boundless within reasonable limits.�
“You said, to be exact: ‘Trust me, Masego, she’ll love it. This will have no consequences whatsoever.’�
“And you believed her?� I asked.
“Trust is the foundation of a healthy friendship,� he told me. “I’ve acquired a book on the subject. Very informative.�
Hakram smothered a laugh by faking a coughing fit.
“But why are the trees on fire?�
“Zeze and I had a philosophical argument,� Indrani explained. “He’s a terribly sore loser.�
My gaze turned to Hierophant, who looked vaguely embarrassed.
“She dropped a branch on me,� he admitted. “And she’s quite good at avoiding fireballs.�
My brow rose.
“That’s seven trees, Masego,� I patiently said.
“I am the best at dodging,� Archer boasted without an ounce of shame in her body.
“You don’t even pay us!� Archer protested.
I blinked in surprise.
“Of course I do,� I said. “All of you have been gathering general’s pay since Second Liesse. Indrani, you have a vault in Laure. I handed you the key myself, remember?�
“Yeah, but it was empty,� Archer said. “I thought you were just yanking my chain.�
Slowly, I turned to Thief. Who looked the very picture of maidenly innocence.�
“Vivienne,� I said very mildly. “Have you been secretly robbing one of your beloved comrades for almost a year now?�
The dark-haired woman batted her eyes in lovely confusion.
“All right, you incompetent gaggle of vandals,� I said. “Someone put out those trees. And get me a skewer of that stag, I want to find out how it tastes when you use hellfire to roast it.�
As it turned out, genuinely awful. By that time, though, we were too drunk to mind.
“Awake?� Adjutant said, moving slightly aside.
Ugh, he’d been a comfortable mattress even if he was way too warm. How dare he.
“So, now we take a hard look at our options,� I said. “The name of the game tonight being: is there literally any other option that the Dead King?�
“It would be,� I said slowly. “If they were taken by surprise.�
There was a long moment of silence in the room.
“Are you proposing,� Juniper gravelled, “that we double-cross the Dead King?�
“I mean,� I hedged, “I wouldn’t put it exactly like that.�
“That means yes,� Masego helpfully informed Archer in a whisper.
“So,� I said. “Anyone else have a bad feeling about this?” “Yes,� Hakram bluntly said.
“Haven’t had a good one in years,� Vivienne admitted.
See, the thing is that she acts. Sometimes those actions are mistake, like going after the fae and leaving you to plot under your rock in Liesse. But, most of the time, she improves things. Just by a little bit. And she draws other people who act with her. You think that’s some unearthly trait, like she’s some force of nature, but that’s Wasteland talk. The Tower’s the centre of the world for you, and the most important person in the world is the one that climbs it.�
The other Callowan paused.
“Except she’s not,� Vivienne said. “The exemplar of whatever fucked up Praesi virtues you want to sing about, that is. She’s kind of petty, her temper’s foul and if Hakram hadn’t stepped in she’d probably be a drunk. She ogles every pretty face that shows up even if they’re our enemies, and she cannot for the life of her shut the Hells up even when she really needs to. She’s not unique or irreplaceable, but even if you think otherwise that doesn’t really matter � because she’s part of something greater than her.
It sometimes occurred to me that I wouldn’t like myself very much, if I met me as a stranger. That I’d ended up stabbing one of the doppelgangers in my soul seemed less and less a coincidence as I grew older.
“Which neatly takes us to our next point of order. Today’s lecture: what we want from the Dead King, why, and what we’re willing to give in exchange.�
Hierophant raised his hand. I eyed him darkly. Had he even ever sat in classroom?
“Yes, Masego,� I said.
“Is this a mandatory lecture?� he politely asked.
Archer smothered her convulsive laughter into Hakram’s shoulder, the wretch.
“Yes,� I patiently said. “Yes it is.�
“We so declare the following,� Vivienne read out loud. “That all who took part in the seventy-third conclave of Salia are guilty, of: perverse service to earthly powers, false righteousness for earthly purpose and, declaration of godless sanctions.�
“That first one,� Archer decided, “will be the title of my memoirs. I feel it really captures the spirit of what I’m about.�
We decided in turn, as a family and also Akua, to pretend she had remained silent.
“Callowans as a people can be summed up by the fact that, before the Uncivil Wars had even come to a close, it’d become a common boast among the populace that the Black Queen had not even spent a sennight in Keter before having several counts of arson and murder to her name.” � Extract from the personal memoirs of Lady Aisha Bishara
“Was it locked?� I sighed.
“Is it really a lock if it breaks?� Archer mused. “That’s a question for the philosophers, Catherine. We’re straying off topic.�
“Just don’t blow up my skull, Zeze,� I sighed. “I’m not sure it’d grow back.�
His lips thinned.
“If you’d just let me-�
“We have a rule, Masego,� I said patiently. “What is that rule?�
“We don’t vivisect friends,� he muttered mulishly. “Even when we could learn the most interesting things from it.�
Black had once told me that people could get used to nearly anything, if it happened regularly for long enough. It was one of those little truths he enjoyed that seemed vague but ended up relevant surprisingly often. To demonstrate: arson. No matter what rumours Robber kept spreading, I didn’t actually enjoy setting things on fire. Sure, it was one of the most frequently used tools in my arsenal even if it did have the nasty tendency of collateral damage. But it wasn’t, like, my first resort.
When you tossed a match onto goblinfire, the closest thing there was to control available was damage control. Sadly, as I helped Vivienne pour oil on a wooden frame, I was forced to admit that I had gotten used to arson.
“You look like you’re trying to convince yourself of something very hard,� Thief noted.
“I’m just saying it’s disingenuous to call me a pyromaniac when I have actual pyromaniacs in my employ,� I told her. “It trivializes the word to use it like that. Is that really so hard to understand?�
The other woman cocked an eyebrow.
“I’m going to pretend you never said that,� she informed me. “And hope Hakram fixes whatever is wrong with your…�
She paused.
“� everything,� she finally said. “What’s wrong with your everything.�
“Just pour the godsdamned oil,� I sighed.
“Oh, look,� I said. “Adjutant is sick.�
There was a heartbeat of silence. Hakram coughed into his fist.
“I am,� he loyally said.
“It’s the fire,� I told Athal. “Orcs are notoriously afraid of it. We have to get him out of here before it gets worse.�
I felt Masego twitch and shot him a glare. Now is not the time to be a pedant, Zeze. Do not contradict my blatant lies.
“I feel faint,� the orc added dutifully. “Like a dove. A dove that is sick.�
Way to sell it, Hakram. Glad to have you on the team.
“Look on the bright side, Cat,� Adjutant grinned, ivory fangs bared. “How can they foil our master plan if even we don’t know our master plan?�
I wondered what it said about us as a group that we frequently ragged on Vivienne failing to murder my closest friend in the world.
“It’s all right, Vivienne,� he consoled her. “No one thinks less of you for it. You’re very good at other crimes.�
“I � you � thank you, Masego,� she finally got out, soundly defeated.
Would it be incriminating to thank the Dead King for widening my horizons, do you think?�
“Yes,� I replied immediately.
“Very,� Vivienne added.
“That’s a shame,� the one-eyed mage murmured. “Perhaps just a gift, then. I would not want to be an ingrate.�
“He’s the immemorial undead overlord of a hellscape and a half, Zeze,� I said. “I don’t think fresh apple bread and decent wine are ever really in order with him.�
“Maybe the soul of a minor irritant, bound to an ironically chosen household object,� he mused.
Like proper villains, we put a magic gate between ourselves and the consequences of our actions before silently agreeing to pretend none of it had taken place.
“Does this actually ever work?� I heard Akua ask Masego in a whisper.
There was a beat.
“It got us into Skade,� he eventually conceded.
“Are you trying to lie to an oracle?� the Skein said, by the sound of it genuinely offended
“It’s like watching a demon get loose,� Akua murmured. “You know you should run, but you just have to look.�
“Did you truly expect this to succeed?� the Skein eventually asked.
“I’ve rolled the dice on worse odds,� I admitted, perhaps a little too honestly.
While that was not a high point by any definition of the term, it definitely went downhill from there.
“People went to the streets after your court declared martial law,� Juniper replied. “So she had the palace cellars emptied and every winesink in the city do the same on the crown’s coin.�
“She got rioters drunk?� I hissed.
“Drunk enough they weren’t able to riot,� the Hellhound said.
“I’m not taking culinary trash talk from a drunken vagrant and a woman whose people think poison is actual seasoning,� I replied defensively.
“Succession,� I said, and tried to slap my fingers back on the pile of cards before anyone else could.
Akua’s fingers almost slid under mine in time, but at the last moment she stopped and a wondrous wonderland of no longer having to traipse around this fucking godforsaken countryside for dead wood presented itself to my eyes. Then Indrani’s knife went through my hand, technically touching the cards first and winning succession. There was a heartbeat of silence.
“Archer,� I said patiently. “Is there a knife through my hand?�
She mused over that, then met my eyes.
“No,� she told me. “’tis but an illusion.�
Naturally, I decked her in the face.
Holding it by the tip I pointed it accusingly at Diabolist.
“You could have said something,� I complained.
“I debated saying ‘watch out, she has a knife�,� Akua acknowledged. “But really, that could apply to any of us.�
“Right,� she said, wiping her eyes clear, “So I’ve got good news and bad news.�
“Let’s start with the good news, for once,� I tried.
“The good news is that there’s only one bit of bad news,� she replied with a winning smile.
Akua closed her eyes, looking physically pained.
“I cannot believe I fell for that,� she muttered.
She flipped me off, I mimed drowning her in the pool and with the traditional rites complete we parted ways.
“Worked, didn’t it?� I said. “We played to our strengths-�
“Blatant lies,� she helpfully provided.
�- and their weaknesses,� I finished.
“Expecting sense of us?� she suggested.
“Unorthodox approaches,� I righteously corrected.
“Yours is the laziest, sloppiest form of treachery I have ever countered,� I said. “I can’t believe that’s a mark in your favour, but Gods help me it is. Anyhow, I’m not angry. Surprised? No, surprised is too weak a word. Befuddled.�
“I mean, you left us alone without supervision so when you really think about it who’s really at fault?� Indrani said.
There was a pause.
“You. You are that fault. That was what I was implying,� she revealed.
“I left you two alone for two hours and a half tops, Archer,� I complained. “How the Hells did you end up ‘accidentally� taking over another sigil?�
“There’s a very good explanation for that,� Indrani assured me.
My brow rose, and I gestured for her to speak. Silence persisted.
“I can’t think of a believable lie,� she admitted after a moment.
“Have you considered giving me an actual truthful accounting?� I suggested.
“What is this, a bloody House of Light?� she complained, then her eyes brightened. “Although, if you’re willing to wear ripped up sister robes I’m more than willing to give you my confessions.�
“Fine,� she pouted. “So I was, like, making small talk with Ivah while surrounded by corpses.�
“As one does,� I said.
“Right? We never go anywhere without there being corpses around, we should work on that,� she said. “Anyways, it was all like ‘Archer, you peerless beauty whose charm has moved me, I’m going to brag so you become interested me�.�
“Classic Ivah,� I agreed.
The worst part, I thought, was that she was perfectly aware that the name of the sigil and sigil-holder had been Berelun. She was yanking my chain. I knew that. She knew I knew that. And I knew that she knew I knew that. Yet if I actually corrected her I would lose, and that was just unacceptable.
Masego wondered if it was too late to ask for their names. It probably was. Father had provided him a list with names and descriptions, but he’d needed something to wipe an acid stain and he hadn’t felt like getting up to fetch a cloth. That might have been a tactical mistake of sorts, he reluctantly conceded. In his experience, if you asked people their name after conversing with them for more than four sentences they tended to get angry.
“You want to steal pieces of Creation and auction them off to nations,� she said. “Dearest, this might be the first of your designs I can say I wholeheartedly endorse.�
“It’s not stealing,� I protested. “You can’t own a lake. I mean, legally yes and nobody better take mine, but when you think about it in a religious sense-�
“Sure, but back then we were dealing with everybody’s messes,� she said. “Now we’re everybody’s mess.�
“Truly, you are the great philosopher of our age,� I drily said.
Not that maps were all that reliable down here. I had four different tracings from mosaics, each contradicting each other on pretty major points and one insisting rather boldly that this entire cavern was actually three dozen miles to the west and I was sadly mistaken about what my eyes were seeing.
For once, her ability to pick fights with anything sight could actually come in useful! Deep down I’d always known there would be a payoff for that eventually.
“Quite literally not what I was aiming for, but I can work with this.” � Dread Empress Regalia II, as her flying fortress began falling on Laure
“Fine,� I said. “Obviously you’re a man � drow, I mean � of deep cunning and perception. I’ll level with you, Rumena. I was going to try to murder you again.�
“I am aghast at this unexpected turn,� Mighty Rumena said.
Oh, so Crepuscular could do sarcasm. This was a day for revelations.
“Since murder doesn’t seem to be working out for me, I’ll try bribery,� I continued. “Betray� who is it you’re working for at the moment?�
“You are a surprisingly terrible liar,� Mighty Rumena said, sounding impressed in the worst way. “How have you managed to survive this long?�
“I will cherish the memory of our little talks, after your throat is slit,� Rumena said. “I believe you might be the single most aggressively ignorant creature I’ve ever encountered.�
“It should have driven you mad as well, and you sound no less coherent than usual.�
“I think we hit the bottom of that barrel a few years back, buddy,� I said.
“So, are we there yet?� I asked.
Rumena sighed, and I took perverse pride in the way I was managing to get under the skin of a creature a few millennia my senior.
“Fumbling child,� the Priestess of Night said. “You but delay the inevitable.�
“Hells, Sve,� I grinned savagely. “That’s my life in a sentence.�
Your ignorance shows once more, Catherine Foundling.�
I tried to respond ‘when does it not?�, but I was currently being choked so it came out as more of a plaintive gurgle. So, this was how it ended: literally choking on my own words. Had to give her points for the irony, if nothing else.
Might as well do what I did best: mouth off to entities beyond my comprehension.
“I know you think this is helping,� I began, then paused. “Wait, do you? Are you trying to help?�
“Would you like,� Catherine Foundling cheerfully asked, “to make your two biggest problems go at war with each other?�
There was a moment of silence.
“I am listening,� the Herald of the Deeps said.
May 26, 2019
Pacing struggles a bit here in that this was originally supposed to be just the first half of the volume and eventually ballooned to the point it had to be broken into its own thing. Overall that's fine though, it doesn't lose the thread on any sub-plots the way a lot of webserials tend to in this type of situation it just takes longer to cover everything than expected, which honestly makes a fair bit of sense considering the scale covered here.
A lot of this does read more as setup for Book V because of it, but we're enough into Book V at this point that I feel comfortable saying that the setup is justified based on how well Book V is going and how much of consequence has been happening already. Still very very much recommended overall.
A lot of this does read more as setup for Book V because of it, but we're enough into Book V at this point that I feel comfortable saying that the setup is justified based on how well Book V is going and how much of consequence has been happening already. Still very very much recommended overall.
June 9, 2024
Generally, just a huge joy to read.
Eventhough I slowly came to dislike somw of the lengthy campaigns in part IV, there is always some epic turnaround to be found.
The characters are very distinguished and everything just feels very believeable. Each has their own drive and ambitions as well as personality.
A huge part at the end was like a fever dream, but very clearly written. And the twist was all the more enjoyable. Errata clearly knows how to write in an epic fashion without ever stimbling over his words. Not a lot of (renowned) authors can do this.
Writing further would just spoil parts of the story but I have to say: This might be the best series that I've ever read.
10/10
Eventhough I slowly came to dislike somw of the lengthy campaigns in part IV, there is always some epic turnaround to be found.
The characters are very distinguished and everything just feels very believeable. Each has their own drive and ambitions as well as personality.
A huge part at the end was like a fever dream, but very clearly written. And the twist was all the more enjoyable. Errata clearly knows how to write in an epic fashion without ever stimbling over his words. Not a lot of (renowned) authors can do this.
Writing further would just spoil parts of the story but I have to say: This might be the best series that I've ever read.
10/10
October 7, 2024
4 / 5
Pretty solid throughout, with some great developments of Catherine's fae mantle and abilities. Also great to see Cat's reflection and introdpections on her journey to this point, and also seeing the world react yo her in all the various threads. The Woe continue to be the absolute highlight, especially Masego and Archer
The ending climax was phenomenal, and I'm very excited to see where things go next.
Pretty solid throughout, with some great developments of Catherine's fae mantle and abilities. Also great to see Cat's reflection and introdpections on her journey to this point, and also seeing the world react yo her in all the various threads. The Woe continue to be the absolute highlight, especially Masego and Archer
The ending climax was phenomenal, and I'm very excited to see where things go next.
October 25, 2022
Before you dive into the review, I want to highlight two points:
1. This is the series that I have rated the highest for the blog till date, and
2. This is a free web novel. There are no eBooks available for purchase far as I know.
Now with that done, here’s my super glowing review of one of the best epic fantasies that I’ve read till date.
It's spectacular and highly recommended.
1. This is the series that I have rated the highest for the blog till date, and
2. This is a free web novel. There are no eBooks available for purchase far as I know.
Now with that done, here’s my super glowing review of one of the best epic fantasies that I’ve read till date.
It's spectacular and highly recommended.
June 25, 2020
Book 4 kind of sucked, especially after the epicness that is book 3. Book 4 is like 2 stories in one, where the first story is clunky and uninteresting and the second story feels too compressed and not satisfying at the end. Book 4 did not have any notable epic moments for me to make it worthwhile slogging through the un-edited, drawn-out plot.
December 22, 2019
A strong continuation of the story, developing in a surprising direction and continuing to entertain.
March 28, 2021
Finally starting to understand the magic system - hooray! I actually love it, now that I’m grasping it. Having multiple “schools� of magic is so interesting and honestly makes lots of sense, just like how there is multiple fields of science or dance or really anything topic under the sun.
I think the ending was so fitting and just v *chef’s kiss*
I’m sure everyone can see where this is hedging... by the end of this Cat’s gonna get into a slugging match with the Gods. I dunno whether or not she’ll break their hold on Creation entirely, that seems a bit too hopeful (then again, she’s killed lesser gods and broken the backs of kingdoms over her knee, so I wouldn’t put that past her).
Curious to see when the elves in the Golden Bloom will finally get involved (I haven’t forgotten about those guys just yet)!
So sad that Vivi is straight 😤 Please can she be a secret bi or something, bc I ship her and Cat so HARD UGH imagine the power they could hold
Indrani and Masego? 🥺 GOODBYE THEY WOULD BE SO CUTE TOGETHER!!!!
Okay ngl the interludes where we saw the Warlock and Tikoloshe interact was ADORABLE in the most violent and Evil (with a capital E) way possible. Their final stand together, Tikoloshe in wonder over his free will, their final goodbyes... all beautifully well done, especially for characters we got so little page time with.
It’s time to end this rambling mess of words that is my stream fo consciousness, me thinks. Cant wait to read the next installment!
I think the ending was so fitting and just v *chef’s kiss*
I’m sure everyone can see where this is hedging... by the end of this Cat’s gonna get into a slugging match with the Gods. I dunno whether or not she’ll break their hold on Creation entirely, that seems a bit too hopeful (then again, she’s killed lesser gods and broken the backs of kingdoms over her knee, so I wouldn’t put that past her).
Curious to see when the elves in the Golden Bloom will finally get involved (I haven’t forgotten about those guys just yet)!
So sad that Vivi is straight 😤 Please can she be a secret bi or something, bc I ship her and Cat so HARD UGH imagine the power they could hold
Indrani and Masego? 🥺 GOODBYE THEY WOULD BE SO CUTE TOGETHER!!!!
Okay ngl the interludes where we saw the Warlock and Tikoloshe interact was ADORABLE in the most violent and Evil (with a capital E) way possible. Their final stand together, Tikoloshe in wonder over his free will, their final goodbyes... all beautifully well done, especially for characters we got so little page time with.
It’s time to end this rambling mess of words that is my stream fo consciousness, me thinks. Cant wait to read the next installment!
April 8, 2021
refer to Book 1 of the series for My review of the series
November 27, 2021
I love this series to death and back, 3 times if I'm recalling correctly. EE has created something truly amazing with the Guide, and I look forward to anything they do in the future
July 28, 2024
ivah my beloved...
March 11, 2025
Characters: 5*
Plot: 4*
Universe: 4.5*
Plot: 4*
Universe: 4.5*
August 18, 2024
I quite enjoyed the hero and villain interactions in the first part the book and the ensuing battles.
January 21, 2021
Maybe more like 3.5. Started out strong, solid 4 stars. Crusade. Fun interesting heroes to fight. A fun scheme trying to outwit an oracle-type. Then stalled in the latter portion, at least in Cat's thread. But thankfully a couple good interludes, and an ending that went in an interesting(?) direction - we'll see where it goes next book.
May 5, 2023
Another great entry in this series. The stakes were raised yet again, there were even more unexpected twists and turns, and the payoffs to certain events were highly satisfying. Good stuff, yet again.
December 9, 2022
Winter Catherine and Everdark! I didn’t like this one as much when I read it for the first time, but this really benefitted from a reread because it has some of my favourite moments in the book, as well as sets the scene for the major conflicts to come.
November 4, 2024
5 stars. Read this. Though the anguish of reading something in progress is un-fun.
March 20, 2023
Its really good, but i still dont get the fanatism over this, anyway, this volume was really entertaining
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