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The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired
Parenting isn't easy. Showing up is. Your greatest impact begins right where you are. Now the bestselling authors of The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline explain what this means over the course of childhood.
"There is parenting magic in this book."--Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of the New York Times bestselling classic Raising Cain
One of the very best scientific predictors for how any child turns out--in terms of happiness, academic success, leadership skills, and meaningful relationships--is whether at least one adult in their life has consistently shown up for them. In an age of scheduling demands and digital distractions, showing up for your child might sound like a tall order. But as bestselling authors Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson reassuringly explain, it doesn't take a lot of time, energy, or money. Instead, showing up means offering a quality of presence. And it's simple to provide once you understand the four building blocks of a child's healthy development. Every child needs to feel what Siegel and Bryson call the Four S's:
- Safe: We can't always insulate a child from injury or avoid doing something that leads to hurt feelings. But when we give a child a sense of safe harbor, she will be able to take the needed risks for growth and change.
- Seen: Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to his emotions--both positive and negative--and strive to attune to what's happening in his mind beneath his behavior.
- Soothed: Soothing isn't about providing a life of ease; it's about teaching your child how to cope when life gets hard, and showing him that you'll be there with him along the way. A soothed child knows that he'll never have to suffer alone.
- Secure: When a child knows she can count on you, time and again, to show up--when you reliably provide safety, focus on seeing her, and soothe her in times of need, she will trust in a feeling of secure attachment. And thrive!
Based on the latest brain and attachment research, The Power of Showing Up shares stories, scripts, simple strategies, illustrations, and tips for honoring the Four S's effectively in all kinds of situations--when our kids are struggling or when they are enjoying success; when we are consoling, disciplining, or arguing with them; and even when we are apologizing for the times we don't show up for them. Demonstrating that mistakes and missteps are repairable and that it's never too late to mend broken trust, this book is a powerful guide to cultivating your child's healthy emotional landscape.
"There is parenting magic in this book."--Michael Thompson, Ph.D., co-author of the New York Times bestselling classic Raising Cain
One of the very best scientific predictors for how any child turns out--in terms of happiness, academic success, leadership skills, and meaningful relationships--is whether at least one adult in their life has consistently shown up for them. In an age of scheduling demands and digital distractions, showing up for your child might sound like a tall order. But as bestselling authors Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson reassuringly explain, it doesn't take a lot of time, energy, or money. Instead, showing up means offering a quality of presence. And it's simple to provide once you understand the four building blocks of a child's healthy development. Every child needs to feel what Siegel and Bryson call the Four S's:
- Safe: We can't always insulate a child from injury or avoid doing something that leads to hurt feelings. But when we give a child a sense of safe harbor, she will be able to take the needed risks for growth and change.
- Seen: Truly seeing a child means we pay attention to his emotions--both positive and negative--and strive to attune to what's happening in his mind beneath his behavior.
- Soothed: Soothing isn't about providing a life of ease; it's about teaching your child how to cope when life gets hard, and showing him that you'll be there with him along the way. A soothed child knows that he'll never have to suffer alone.
- Secure: When a child knows she can count on you, time and again, to show up--when you reliably provide safety, focus on seeing her, and soothe her in times of need, she will trust in a feeling of secure attachment. And thrive!
Based on the latest brain and attachment research, The Power of Showing Up shares stories, scripts, simple strategies, illustrations, and tips for honoring the Four S's effectively in all kinds of situations--when our kids are struggling or when they are enjoying success; when we are consoling, disciplining, or arguing with them; and even when we are apologizing for the times we don't show up for them. Demonstrating that mistakes and missteps are repairable and that it's never too late to mend broken trust, this book is a powerful guide to cultivating your child's healthy emotional landscape.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published January 7, 2020
1452 people are currently reading
15346 people want to read
About the author
Daniel J. Siegel
187books3,089followersDaniel J. Siegel, M.D., is an internationally acclaimed author, award-winning educator, and child psychiatrist. Dr. Siegel received his medical degree from Harvard University and completed his postgraduate medical education at UCLA with training in pediatrics and child, adolescent and adult psychiatry. He is currently a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, where he also serves as a co-investigator at the Center for Culture, Brain, and Development, and is a founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center. In addition, Dr. Siegel is the Executive Director of the Mindsight Institute.
Dr. Siegel has the unique ability to convey complicated scientific concepts in a concise and comprehensible way that all readers can enjoy. He has become known for his research in Interpersonal Neurobiology � an interdisciplinary view that creates a framework for the understanding of our subjective and interpersonal lives. In his most recent works, Dr. Siegel explores how mindfulness practices can aid the process of interpersonal and intrapersonal attunement, leading to personal growth and well-being.
Published author of several highly acclaimed works, Dr. Siegel’s books include the New York Times� bestseller “Brainstorm�, along with "Mindsight," "The Developing Mind," "The Mindful Brain," "The Mindful Therapist," in addition to co-authoring "Parenting From the Inside Out," with Mary Hartzell and "The Whole-Brain Child," with Tina Bryson. He is also the Founding Editor of the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology, which includes "Healing Trauma," "The Power of Emotion," and "Trauma and the Body." Dr. Siegel currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife.
For more information on Dr. Siegel's work, please visit DrDanSiegel.com.
Dr. Siegel has the unique ability to convey complicated scientific concepts in a concise and comprehensible way that all readers can enjoy. He has become known for his research in Interpersonal Neurobiology � an interdisciplinary view that creates a framework for the understanding of our subjective and interpersonal lives. In his most recent works, Dr. Siegel explores how mindfulness practices can aid the process of interpersonal and intrapersonal attunement, leading to personal growth and well-being.
Published author of several highly acclaimed works, Dr. Siegel’s books include the New York Times� bestseller “Brainstorm�, along with "Mindsight," "The Developing Mind," "The Mindful Brain," "The Mindful Therapist," in addition to co-authoring "Parenting From the Inside Out," with Mary Hartzell and "The Whole-Brain Child," with Tina Bryson. He is also the Founding Editor of the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology, which includes "Healing Trauma," "The Power of Emotion," and "Trauma and the Body." Dr. Siegel currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife.
For more information on Dr. Siegel's work, please visit DrDanSiegel.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 495 reviews
February 29, 2020
Very repetitive writing - this material could easily have been presented as a long-ish article. The substance makes sense though, and strikes me as generally good parenting advice.
July 19, 2021
We all want to become better parents for our children and yet our children did not come with a HOW TO or a book of instructions. Fear not, because this book lays it out in a very clear, no fluff, and easy to read book outlining in an easy to remember guide full of examples and scenarios.
It is no surprise the success of our children is dependent on how present we are for them and will actually serve as a predictor for their success in life as far as their personal and academic success, the development of their leadership skills and their future relationships with others.
Being present does not have to cost a lot of time, money or energy, but to showing up and being there in the moment, and the quality of your presence makes all the difference.
The information Siegel and Bryson present in this book are backed up by science and well-grounded and proven research. I fell that the information in the book is something that I can trust as far as the validity of the information they are presenting.
I enjoy the highlights and pictures in the book to emphasize the topics that are being presented and reinforces the material covered. I also enjoy the real life scenarios and examples on how to handle situations you may encounter from a bad example to the best way to handle certain situations. The writing is easy to understand and the information presented is enjoyable and makes for an easy read.
I loved this book and will be using it as a resource. This is a must read for would be and current parents and grandparents as well as educators. I highly recommend this book and would make great gifts for parents.
It is no surprise the success of our children is dependent on how present we are for them and will actually serve as a predictor for their success in life as far as their personal and academic success, the development of their leadership skills and their future relationships with others.
Being present does not have to cost a lot of time, money or energy, but to showing up and being there in the moment, and the quality of your presence makes all the difference.
The information Siegel and Bryson present in this book are backed up by science and well-grounded and proven research. I fell that the information in the book is something that I can trust as far as the validity of the information they are presenting.
I enjoy the highlights and pictures in the book to emphasize the topics that are being presented and reinforces the material covered. I also enjoy the real life scenarios and examples on how to handle situations you may encounter from a bad example to the best way to handle certain situations. The writing is easy to understand and the information presented is enjoyable and makes for an easy read.
I loved this book and will be using it as a resource. This is a must read for would be and current parents and grandparents as well as educators. I highly recommend this book and would make great gifts for parents.
January 12, 2020
Thank you to Random House for the free ARC. I am not a huge fan of parenting books, but this one is exactly what I needed to read, and wish I'd read 5 years ago when I became a part. The authors' writing style is so accessible and easy to digest, while still packing in so much great information. They focus on how to show up for our kids physically and emotionally, and how giving them the Four S's helped our kids learn healthy relational attachment with us and sets them up for success in life.
Their examples are concrete and easily applicable. Their tone is nonjudgemental but honest about what happens when we don't show up for our kids or repair the relational damage our inevitable mistakes cause with our kids. It has also released me from the voice in my head that tells me I need to toughen up my kids and make them strong and even keep them from relying on me too much. It's such a necessary book for parents, and I've been recommending it to friends even before I finished.
Their examples are concrete and easily applicable. Their tone is nonjudgemental but honest about what happens when we don't show up for our kids or repair the relational damage our inevitable mistakes cause with our kids. It has also released me from the voice in my head that tells me I need to toughen up my kids and make them strong and even keep them from relying on me too much. It's such a necessary book for parents, and I've been recommending it to friends even before I finished.
December 22, 2019
When I saw that authors Siegel and Bryson were releasing a new parenting book, I couldn't request The Power of Showing Up fast enough! Their past writing has been such a formative part of my own parenting.
Siegel and Bryson always share their knowledge, research, and experiences in an accessible and compassionate way. While they have decades of work in this area they make brain development and psychology approachable and easy to understand have the ability to write in a way that makes you feel heard while also empowering you with new tools and ideas.
The Power of Showing Up is another wonderful addition to their collection of books that speak to you whether you are a parent, caregiver, teacher, etc. They take on attachment theory and share the powerful reminder that the most important thing we can do for our children and to be there for them.
Doing this, we can teach and show them the value of comfort, support and unconditional love through both the highs and lows of being humans. They explain how we can do this through the idea of the "Four S's"...being seen, safe, soothed and secure.
As a person who experienced insecure attachment as a child, I often hyper-focus on our children always knowing they are heard and loved, while also dealing with the reality that parenting is never-ending and sometimes I lose my cool.
The reality is, everyone makes mistakes, and it is what we do next that is far more important. While I know this in theory, having it presented in an insightful and accessible manner is something I will always remember. I could go on and on about this book but I will just say that I highly recommend it and got so much out of it.
Thank you to NetGalley and Ballantine Books for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review. You can see my full review at genthebookworm.com
Siegel and Bryson always share their knowledge, research, and experiences in an accessible and compassionate way. While they have decades of work in this area they make brain development and psychology approachable and easy to understand have the ability to write in a way that makes you feel heard while also empowering you with new tools and ideas.
The Power of Showing Up is another wonderful addition to their collection of books that speak to you whether you are a parent, caregiver, teacher, etc. They take on attachment theory and share the powerful reminder that the most important thing we can do for our children and to be there for them.
Doing this, we can teach and show them the value of comfort, support and unconditional love through both the highs and lows of being humans. They explain how we can do this through the idea of the "Four S's"...being seen, safe, soothed and secure.
As a person who experienced insecure attachment as a child, I often hyper-focus on our children always knowing they are heard and loved, while also dealing with the reality that parenting is never-ending and sometimes I lose my cool.
The reality is, everyone makes mistakes, and it is what we do next that is far more important. While I know this in theory, having it presented in an insightful and accessible manner is something I will always remember. I could go on and on about this book but I will just say that I highly recommend it and got so much out of it.
Thank you to NetGalley and Ballantine Books for an advanced copy in exchange for an honest review. You can see my full review at genthebookworm.com
March 17, 2020
My goodness, if you’re like me and struggle with enough mom guilt on a regular basis, don’t read this book. Had some good tips about helping your kids feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure, but it also used weird examples. For example, to help understand what “seen� means the author used an example of a father who didn’t know why his baby was crying and was also getting Mc impatient about the baby crying and interrupting his book-reading (I think we have all been there on both accounts if we are really honest). She mentioned how his attitude and lack of understanding of why the baby was crying could lead to the baby feeling like his or her parent doesn’t get what’s going on inside. She contrasted this with a dad that automatically got up and comforted the child with a bottle, knowing he was hungry. So, this book has great strategies if you a) only have one kid and b) haven’t been pushed to the point in parenting of exposing your own flaws in parenting. Her suggestions are great for a completely ideal world. But I felt like they were guilt-inducing for me, a parent that’s trying to do her best. Maybe I should have picked another book to read right now, haha......
January 28, 2020
I saw this book on a list and I decided to give it a read because this is a book I generally would not read but I was curious about. I don't want to have kids but I am really interested in how one should parent responsible. Even though I don't see myself as a parent, I do have a lot of friends who are parents, expecting or aunties & uncles so this book was very insightful. Also, even though I don't want to be a parent it doesn't mean I don't want to learn how to have a great impact on the children Ill come in contact with.
In The Power of Showing Up Siegel shares with us the different ways we can show up for our children, making them well adjusted adults. He stresses the four S's -SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED and SECURED- in doing these four things he outlines how parents can raise better children.
I highly recommend you give this book a read, even if you aren't a parent. What I absolutely LOVED was that Siegel also worked through how parents can recover from their past and be better parents.
A great read.
November 2, 2019
Wow. SO many parts of this book resonated with me and brought me to tears. I long suspected that I had an insecure ambivalent attachment style, due to the way I was raised and how my mother was with me. This book confirmed it and has renewed my intention to give my son a better life than what I had. Everyone should read this book, even if you dont have excessive amounts of childhood trauma.
January 5, 2020
“When we know our kids in a direct and truthful way, they learn to know themselves that way, too.�
The Power of Showing Up is the fourth in the quartet of parenting books by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.
First things first. I was excited to get my hands on an advance review copy of this book because I have two other books written by this duo and they are top-notch. I’ve read a lot of parenting books but these are the ones that have stayed with me through my entire parenting journey thus far.
TPoSU is about how to create a secure attachment for your child(ren). This is already something I’ve been obsessed with for far longer than I’ve had children. I believe my secure attachment has made an enormous difference in my life and I hope to be able to give the same gift to my children. So this book couldn’t be more timely.
While TPoSU is a parenting book, so much of how we parent depends on how we were parented. Hence, this book has a significant focus on reflecting on the reader’s own attachment style and finding a way to not just understand it but come to terms with it in order to be there for the next generation. This is something that will impact not just parent-child relations but every significant relationship in your life.
Look, we all know people with issues and often time they fit neatly in the avoidant or anxious attachment styles. That’s just life and it’s not fair to judge them for how they were raised. This book provides, for a motivated person, a way to start healing wounds from childhood.
(Side note: Thrilled about Dan’s “attachment� to UCLA. Go Bruins!!!!)
This is an excellent book that I plan to give to several couples I know who are expecting their first child.
The Power of Showing Up is the fourth in the quartet of parenting books by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson.
First things first. I was excited to get my hands on an advance review copy of this book because I have two other books written by this duo and they are top-notch. I’ve read a lot of parenting books but these are the ones that have stayed with me through my entire parenting journey thus far.
TPoSU is about how to create a secure attachment for your child(ren). This is already something I’ve been obsessed with for far longer than I’ve had children. I believe my secure attachment has made an enormous difference in my life and I hope to be able to give the same gift to my children. So this book couldn’t be more timely.
While TPoSU is a parenting book, so much of how we parent depends on how we were parented. Hence, this book has a significant focus on reflecting on the reader’s own attachment style and finding a way to not just understand it but come to terms with it in order to be there for the next generation. This is something that will impact not just parent-child relations but every significant relationship in your life.
Look, we all know people with issues and often time they fit neatly in the avoidant or anxious attachment styles. That’s just life and it’s not fair to judge them for how they were raised. This book provides, for a motivated person, a way to start healing wounds from childhood.
(Side note: Thrilled about Dan’s “attachment� to UCLA. Go Bruins!!!!)
This is an excellent book that I plan to give to several couples I know who are expecting their first child.
February 14, 2021
If you are anxious about screwing up your child (as I always am) this book is a nice antidote. It’s easy to read, clear, and it makes you realize that a lot of the small stuff you do naturally is actually the big stuff in the long run. This is a reassuring place to start reflecting on the parents you had, and the parent you want to be. I would recommend starting this after the newborn haze has lifted, but before the tantrum phase descends.
February 3, 2020
Apply the book 4 A in your parenting style to see the result today and future in your kids.
Read
March 18, 2020In this encouraging and empowering book, psychiatrist Siegel (Aware) and clinical social worker Bryson provide steps for parents and caregivers to help children attain success and “feel at home in the world� ... Thanks to this excellent work, Siegel and Payne will leave readers with an empathetic and helpful philosophy to apply to their own parenting.
Publishers Weekly
At a cultural moment when many kids feel more competition with their parents� devices than with their siblings, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have spun a miracle � The Power of Showing Up is the ultimate guide to family reconnection. Clear, profound, and charmingly illustrated, it unravels the challenges of modern parenting and reveals the simple truths about what children really need from the adults in their lives.
Wendy Mogel, New York Times bestselling author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have written their best book yet � and that is saying a lot. They have distilled their parenting wisdom � based on neuroscience research and a deep empathy for children’s needs � into a profound concept: showing up. It is one of those great ideas that seems so obvious � but only after someone has shown it to you and spelled it out clearly. Best of all, Siegel and Bryson “show up� for the reader of this book. They know parents, know their fears and anxieties, hopes and dreams. They know that showing up for children is harder than it sounds, and they provide an accessible path to seeing and soothing children and providing them with safety and security.
Lawrence J. Cohen, PHD, author of Playful Parenting
This hopeful new book goes to the heart of every parent’s greatest wish: to raise a child who grows up to be a secure adult. In an unpredictable world, that can feel almost impossible. Drs Siegel and Bryson teach us how a parent can make a child feel safe, seen, soothed and secure, even if he or she didn’t have that in their own childhoods. There is parenting magic in this book.
Michael Thompson, PhD, co-author of the New York Times bestselling classic, Raising Cain
Parenting at this moment in time and at today’s pace feels hard. But that makes it all that much more important that we try to simplify the process of parenting and not put quite so much pressure on our own parenting shoulders. The Power Showing Up will help you do just that. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne are master teachers when it comes to helping parents react and respond to kids in ways that communicate “I hear you�. They articulate and quantify how to make your parenting easier � and better!
Christine Carter, PhD, author of Raising Happiness
The Power of Showing Upis an essential book for every parent who yearns to be more effective and present and, simply, better. It shows us that we don’t have to be perfect, but we can make our kids feel more secure and confident (now and in the future) if we are present and aware as parents. This important book gives us the steps to follow to make this happen.
Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, President, Child Mind Institute
Rarely does a book so broad and deep of subject give you the small do-able steps to find your way to success, confidence, and connection with your children. The Power of Showing Upbrings to life the Zulu greeting “Sawubona� (I see you) and the refrain “Ngikhona� (I am here), which are essential for the parent-child connection.
Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting and The Soul of Discipline
Siegel and Bryson provide relatable real world examples and ... specific advice for handling various situations ... Parents looking for solid research delivered in an accessible manner will find Siegel and Bryson getting the job done well yet again.
Booklist
A fitting volume that expands on the authors� previous work, filled with cartoons and straightforward strategies that will appeal to their fans as well as a wide range of general readers.
Julia M. Reffner, Library Journal
Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson have channeled all of their knowledge of child development into perhaps the most difficult yet important aspect of raising a child: showing up. The constant distractions that tempt us away from what is most important in life makeThe Power of Showing Upa necessary book for anyone raising a child in the digital age.
Jeff Stibel, New York Times bestselling author of Breakpoint
Offering strategies in communication, understanding and personal insight, The Power of Showing Up is a clear, compassionate instructional guide to the significant ways a shift in parental behaviour can and will affect a child. Highly recommended for parents, guardians and educators seeking insight for themselves and their children.
Shelf Awareness
Publishers Weekly
At a cultural moment when many kids feel more competition with their parents� devices than with their siblings, Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have spun a miracle � The Power of Showing Up is the ultimate guide to family reconnection. Clear, profound, and charmingly illustrated, it unravels the challenges of modern parenting and reveals the simple truths about what children really need from the adults in their lives.
Wendy Mogel, New York Times bestselling author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson have written their best book yet � and that is saying a lot. They have distilled their parenting wisdom � based on neuroscience research and a deep empathy for children’s needs � into a profound concept: showing up. It is one of those great ideas that seems so obvious � but only after someone has shown it to you and spelled it out clearly. Best of all, Siegel and Bryson “show up� for the reader of this book. They know parents, know their fears and anxieties, hopes and dreams. They know that showing up for children is harder than it sounds, and they provide an accessible path to seeing and soothing children and providing them with safety and security.
Lawrence J. Cohen, PHD, author of Playful Parenting
This hopeful new book goes to the heart of every parent’s greatest wish: to raise a child who grows up to be a secure adult. In an unpredictable world, that can feel almost impossible. Drs Siegel and Bryson teach us how a parent can make a child feel safe, seen, soothed and secure, even if he or she didn’t have that in their own childhoods. There is parenting magic in this book.
Michael Thompson, PhD, co-author of the New York Times bestselling classic, Raising Cain
Parenting at this moment in time and at today’s pace feels hard. But that makes it all that much more important that we try to simplify the process of parenting and not put quite so much pressure on our own parenting shoulders. The Power Showing Up will help you do just that. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne are master teachers when it comes to helping parents react and respond to kids in ways that communicate “I hear you�. They articulate and quantify how to make your parenting easier � and better!
Christine Carter, PhD, author of Raising Happiness
The Power of Showing Upis an essential book for every parent who yearns to be more effective and present and, simply, better. It shows us that we don’t have to be perfect, but we can make our kids feel more secure and confident (now and in the future) if we are present and aware as parents. This important book gives us the steps to follow to make this happen.
Harold S. Koplewicz, MD, President, Child Mind Institute
Rarely does a book so broad and deep of subject give you the small do-able steps to find your way to success, confidence, and connection with your children. The Power of Showing Upbrings to life the Zulu greeting “Sawubona� (I see you) and the refrain “Ngikhona� (I am here), which are essential for the parent-child connection.
Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting and The Soul of Discipline
Siegel and Bryson provide relatable real world examples and ... specific advice for handling various situations ... Parents looking for solid research delivered in an accessible manner will find Siegel and Bryson getting the job done well yet again.
Booklist
A fitting volume that expands on the authors� previous work, filled with cartoons and straightforward strategies that will appeal to their fans as well as a wide range of general readers.
Julia M. Reffner, Library Journal
Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson have channeled all of their knowledge of child development into perhaps the most difficult yet important aspect of raising a child: showing up. The constant distractions that tempt us away from what is most important in life makeThe Power of Showing Upa necessary book for anyone raising a child in the digital age.
Jeff Stibel, New York Times bestselling author of Breakpoint
Offering strategies in communication, understanding and personal insight, The Power of Showing Up is a clear, compassionate instructional guide to the significant ways a shift in parental behaviour can and will affect a child. Highly recommended for parents, guardians and educators seeking insight for themselves and their children.
Shelf Awareness
August 30, 2022
Если коротко, то надо поддерживать детей и быть для них авторитетом.
February 4, 2020
Daniel Siegel has written my favorite books on parenting and this book continues to explain how our growing knowledge of brain science and neuroplasticity can inform and improve our parenting choices and our relationship with our children.
This book gets more into how attachment effects our children’s development and how our own attachment to primary caregivers in childhood shapes our default reactions in all our relationships. The steps presented to help you develop a secure attachment with your children are clearly described and manageable. I also appreciated the message of hope this book sends to parents who did not have a secure attachment growing up.
I love seeing how much the stories we tell ourselves can shape who we are as people and parents.
This book gets more into how attachment effects our children’s development and how our own attachment to primary caregivers in childhood shapes our default reactions in all our relationships. The steps presented to help you develop a secure attachment with your children are clearly described and manageable. I also appreciated the message of hope this book sends to parents who did not have a secure attachment growing up.
I love seeing how much the stories we tell ourselves can shape who we are as people and parents.
October 7, 2020
Extremely repetitive (should be article-length, at a maximum) and relies heavily on outdated studies. Quite condescending to the reader and overly simplistic, and the bottom line advice is to be emotionally available to your child. In my experience, anyone who isn’t already doing the bare minimum as a parent probably also isn’t picking up a book like this to read.
October 20, 2022
Good examples and flowed well.
April 1, 2024
You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to show up.
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I would watch the 30 part TikTok series documenting different ways to show up and the different ways to heal from your parent not showing up. Both are equally important.
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I would watch the 30 part TikTok series documenting different ways to show up and the different ways to heal from your parent not showing up. Both are equally important.
February 12, 2020
The book emphasizes that our ultimate goal as parents is to cultivate secure attachment in our children in order to help set them up for a healthy sense of identity, quality relationships, and academic/professional success—ultimately, resilience and independence. As parents, we must help our children feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure and the book focuses on these ideas. The book asks parents to reflect on their own childhood experiences and examine the type of attachment the parent received, as well, in order to develop and understand their own narratives.
I found the research on secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized attachment to be very interesting.
The book challenges parents to commit to not being the source of fear for our children in our own homes—a true challenge that includes not yelling, threatening, spanking, or even overreacting. (Ch.3 “Safe�)
Ch. 4 (“Seen�) focuses on creating depth in our relationships with our children, something we all hope for in our lives.
Later, the authors focus on PEACE—presence, engagement, affection, calm, empathy (“Soothe�). I appreciated the ideas that parents must provide both a launching pad (support and encourage) and a safe harbor (nurture) for their children.
This book is beneficial to read if you have very young children to start off parenting in a positive way (and be prepared for when those tantrums and big feelings arise), but it is not too late to apply the ideas to older children, as well.
The only negative, in my opinion, is that the book was repetitive at times.
I found the research on secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized attachment to be very interesting.
The book challenges parents to commit to not being the source of fear for our children in our own homes—a true challenge that includes not yelling, threatening, spanking, or even overreacting. (Ch.3 “Safe�)
Ch. 4 (“Seen�) focuses on creating depth in our relationships with our children, something we all hope for in our lives.
Later, the authors focus on PEACE—presence, engagement, affection, calm, empathy (“Soothe�). I appreciated the ideas that parents must provide both a launching pad (support and encourage) and a safe harbor (nurture) for their children.
This book is beneficial to read if you have very young children to start off parenting in a positive way (and be prepared for when those tantrums and big feelings arise), but it is not too late to apply the ideas to older children, as well.
The only negative, in my opinion, is that the book was repetitive at times.
November 18, 2020
Absolutely LOVE this book. Dr. Siegel does it again. Inspiring, practical and rewarding. Must read if you are a parent!
February 20, 2020
The scientific basis of this book is attachment theory, which claims that for proper emotional development children need to develop a "secure attachment" to at least one adult figure.
The theory seems to have pretty strong scientific support.
But attachment theory has been around for a long time, so what's new with this book?
It seems the main goal is to explain how to actually APPLY attachment theory in practise.
The explanations are extremely easy to understand and they even include a lot of cartoons.
In brief, there are 3 main kinds of attachment
(i) Secure -good
(ii) Avoidant - bad
(iii) Ambivalent - really bad
(iv) Disorganized - extremely bad
To get the good secure attachment, parents should make sure their kids feel:
(i) safe - physically and emotionally
(ii) Seen - understood
(iii) Soothed - comforted when they get upset
(iv) Secure - combination of all the above
A couple of points
(1) The subtitle mentions "how their brains get wired" but there was only a single mention of the brain that I could notice. So if you expected to see extensive discussion of the brain you will be disappointed.
(2) They explain very briefly how parents who were themselves not parented well could raise "securely attached" kids by "developing a coherent narrative" (basically understanding better what they missed out on as kids).
(3) I think they went a bit too far in making the book easy to understand. They should have included a LITTLE more detail, such as citations to some of the research and clearer explanation of how the professional opinion on attachment theory has evolved. That would have made the book more convincing.
But still, I'd recommend it.
The theory seems to have pretty strong scientific support.
But attachment theory has been around for a long time, so what's new with this book?
It seems the main goal is to explain how to actually APPLY attachment theory in practise.
The explanations are extremely easy to understand and they even include a lot of cartoons.
In brief, there are 3 main kinds of attachment
(i) Secure -good
(ii) Avoidant - bad
(iii) Ambivalent - really bad
(iv) Disorganized - extremely bad
To get the good secure attachment, parents should make sure their kids feel:
(i) safe - physically and emotionally
(ii) Seen - understood
(iii) Soothed - comforted when they get upset
(iv) Secure - combination of all the above
A couple of points
(1) The subtitle mentions "how their brains get wired" but there was only a single mention of the brain that I could notice. So if you expected to see extensive discussion of the brain you will be disappointed.
(2) They explain very briefly how parents who were themselves not parented well could raise "securely attached" kids by "developing a coherent narrative" (basically understanding better what they missed out on as kids).
(3) I think they went a bit too far in making the book easy to understand. They should have included a LITTLE more detail, such as citations to some of the research and clearer explanation of how the professional opinion on attachment theory has evolved. That would have made the book more convincing.
But still, I'd recommend it.
March 16, 2020
The first part of the book is used to making a case for the parental presence. If you are already convinced, you can skip this part and go straight to "how".
The authors talk about the 4 S - 1) Safe, 2) Seen, 3) Soothe and 4) Secure. For each point, there are pretty detailed discussions of why and how. The discussions are important because the authors want to be sure that readers understand they are not advocating to spoil the children, but to accept who they are. There are examples that help illustrate the principles too.
It is a good book for any new parents. But if I will pick one book for parents in the world, I will recommend "how to raise successful people" by Esther Wojcicki. The principles are similar. Wojcicki comes more from a practioner's point of view, less from a scientist' view, which means her book is more readable. Every new parent should a copy of "how to raise successful people", or this one is acceptable too.
The authors talk about the 4 S - 1) Safe, 2) Seen, 3) Soothe and 4) Secure. For each point, there are pretty detailed discussions of why and how. The discussions are important because the authors want to be sure that readers understand they are not advocating to spoil the children, but to accept who they are. There are examples that help illustrate the principles too.
It is a good book for any new parents. But if I will pick one book for parents in the world, I will recommend "how to raise successful people" by Esther Wojcicki. The principles are similar. Wojcicki comes more from a practioner's point of view, less from a scientist' view, which means her book is more readable. Every new parent should a copy of "how to raise successful people", or this one is acceptable too.
April 1, 2020
This is a really, really important book. But, I think the authors didn't quite give the subject material the right presentation to have the impact it should. I think this is some of the most important science for parenting that is out there. While the authors don't use jargon and the authors use very clear language to say what their research has shown, I think that with the lack of examples of using each step (there are some, but minimal) parents are left a little empty handed on how it feels and how to apply the principles. These are new principles to many parents and it takes a little more hand-holding to process and apply than the authors offer. Other than that, incredibly important and a must read for parents.
March 7, 2025
This book lays out four main ways in which parents/caregivers can consistently show up for their kids. They are called the 4 S’s: SAFE, SEEN, SOOTHED, and SECURE. Lots of food for thought in here. Although it’s not written from a Christian worldview, I appreciated the neurological scientific insights and study they’ve put into brain development and how parents impact it positively or negatively.
If you want a very condensed overview of this book, look up “The Power of Showing Up Refrigerator Sheet� for a summary.
If you want a very condensed overview of this book, look up “The Power of Showing Up Refrigerator Sheet� for a summary.
April 11, 2023
A wonderful and indepth description of different attachment styles and ways in which we can show up for our kids (and also for ourselves), making them feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.
I absolutely love Daniel J. Siegel and the work he has done in helping parents and educators work with our children in a trauma informed way. This book had easy to understand explanations, great situational examples and prompts to challenge the readers thinking and encourage growth.
I absolutely love Daniel J. Siegel and the work he has done in helping parents and educators work with our children in a trauma informed way. This book had easy to understand explanations, great situational examples and prompts to challenge the readers thinking and encourage growth.
March 15, 2021
So good. Such a great read for anyone who works with and has children in their lives. The ability to show up and be emotionally attuned to a child with the outcome of regulation or their feeling seen and cared for... this is so so so powerful. Great examples and research in the book. Some parents might find it helpful to be coached on these tasks, which I found limiting in the text.
March 31, 2021
"Efectul neurobiologic al atasamentului securizant este un creier integrat: un sistem nervos puternic care nu ramane prins intr-un stres prelungit. Drept urmare, copiii pot aborda viata pornind de la premisa ca sunt protejati, ca dragostea si relatiile vor fi consecvente si prezente in vietile lor si ca pot gestiona inevitabilele momente dificile ale vietii,simtindu-se in siguranta si in largul lor in lume".
November 10, 2021
One of the best parenting books I’ve ever read. It has the perfect mix of science, psychology and real-life strategies for being present for my kids. Highly recommend!
February 7, 2023
Excellent. Everyone with kids should read this to help your kids. Everyone without kids should read this to help yourself understand a little more about why you are the way you are.
April 20, 2025
One of the best parenting books I’ve ever read. It helped our family tremendously
December 9, 2021
Wow! If you are a teacher, parent or caretaker of children you should read this! Lots of the ideas in here I do already but it was a great reminder and also shows you what works and what probably is not going to work and WHY! Understanding the why is so important! Great read!
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