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Setting Boundaries: Care for Yourself and Stop Being Controlled by Others
Setting Boundaries is not just about saying 'no'.
It is about pursuing the things that set our soul on fire, loving deeply without losing ourselves, and better resisting the demands and expectations of others.
Dr Rebecca Ray, Australian clinical psychologist and author, shows how boundaries are the key to many of the emotional and practical difficulties we encounter in daily life.
Many of us, raised to be people-pleasers, find ourselves giving in to draining colleagues, friends, partners and relatives.
In Setting Boundaries, Dr Ray shares science-based advice and tools to help you:
- identify your boundaries and when they have been crossed
- recognise the patterns and habits that have failed to support you to feel empowered
- engage in difficult conversations from a place of strength and self-kindness
- set clear, intentional boundaries and become your most loving, fulfilled and authentic self.
Accessible, inspiring and deeply practical, Setting Boundaries ignites us to rethink our relationships, reclaim our lives and protect our mental health and wellbeing.
It is about pursuing the things that set our soul on fire, loving deeply without losing ourselves, and better resisting the demands and expectations of others.
Dr Rebecca Ray, Australian clinical psychologist and author, shows how boundaries are the key to many of the emotional and practical difficulties we encounter in daily life.
Many of us, raised to be people-pleasers, find ourselves giving in to draining colleagues, friends, partners and relatives.
In Setting Boundaries, Dr Ray shares science-based advice and tools to help you:
- identify your boundaries and when they have been crossed
- recognise the patterns and habits that have failed to support you to feel empowered
- engage in difficult conversations from a place of strength and self-kindness
- set clear, intentional boundaries and become your most loving, fulfilled and authentic self.
Accessible, inspiring and deeply practical, Setting Boundaries ignites us to rethink our relationships, reclaim our lives and protect our mental health and wellbeing.
352 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 2022
123 people are currently reading
862 people want to read
About the author
Rebecca Ray
7Ìýbooks40ÌýfollowersDr Rebecca Ray is a clinical psychologist, author and speaker who helps big-picture-thinking people master their psychology. Over the course of two decades of consultations, speaking events, books, and audio, she has encouraged thousands of humans making an impact on the world to live a life that's fulfilling, unapologetic, and free.
Beck’s expertise as a professional zig-zagger sets her apart as one of Australia’s most in-demand and authoritative voices in the personal development space. Her science-backed, hard and heart truth approach is uniquely informed by her pivots from pilot to psychologist, from dating men to marrying a woman, and from being burnt out to bestselling author.
Beck is the author of six books, including Be Happy, The Art of Self-Kindness, The Universe Listens to Brave, Setting Boundaries, Small Habits for a Big Life, and Difficult People (released in May 2023).
She lives in the soul-fed hills of the Sunshine Coast in Queensland with the great loves of her life: her wife Nyssa, son Bennett, two rescue Irish Setters and one gangly Weimaraner.
Beck’s expertise as a professional zig-zagger sets her apart as one of Australia’s most in-demand and authoritative voices in the personal development space. Her science-backed, hard and heart truth approach is uniquely informed by her pivots from pilot to psychologist, from dating men to marrying a woman, and from being burnt out to bestselling author.
Beck is the author of six books, including Be Happy, The Art of Self-Kindness, The Universe Listens to Brave, Setting Boundaries, Small Habits for a Big Life, and Difficult People (released in May 2023).
She lives in the soul-fed hills of the Sunshine Coast in Queensland with the great loves of her life: her wife Nyssa, son Bennett, two rescue Irish Setters and one gangly Weimaraner.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews
July 18, 2021
I couldn’t put this book down! It arrived at the perfect time and has so much good information about boundary setting and also how to deal with the consequences as well. I’m sure I’ll be re-reading many times as I practise!
April 26, 2023
They should make this a high school text book. Could have saved me years of grief if I had read such a practical book earlier in my life. This book lays out complex ideas in an easy to understand manner and has practical tools to use.
July 11, 2021
‘My mind rarely gives me just one thought at a time. For maximum effect, it floods me with thoughts that will press my buttons. The problem is that they get in the way of the boundaries I set for myself around time for self-care. If I listened to these thoughts, they urge me to work more, rest less, and take zero time out to look after myself because, ‘I have too much to do!� But these thoughts are old.�
Most people don’t necessarily have trouble setting up boundaries but it becomes more difficult when it comes to enforcing them for your own sanity. You know what you like, you know what’s good for you � you also know the ways your energy gets drained. This is the reason I turned to this book - to understand, to trust my instincts and listen to that inner voice that would lead me in the right direction.
‘We have evolved to listen to our minds as though they speak the whole truth all the time. But minds can be a little prone to melodrama, and occasionally create a picture of reality that’s not entirely accurate.�
It is not just about saying ‘no� - there is so much more to it. In today’s world we are faced with so many personal and professional demands and time is precious. If you are not careful you will face exhaustion at best and become lost at worst. This book is about finding ways to reclaim your time and energy that promote your values and long term goals.
‘Setting boundaries requires us to be vulnerable - which is uncomfortable. To draw circles of empowerment around ourselves, and to respect the circles other people draw around themselves, we need to find a way through the feely stuff, to live in the deep end of life. It’s here we get to explore life in its entirety, rather than avoiding it for the illusion of comfort in the shallow end.�
Setting Boundaries helps by providing both the theory and practice in regaining equilibrium and establishing your wellbeing as a central focus. When the everyday situations and interactions become draining, it is time to return to your valued boundaries. Identify them, know them and understand that they are key to your mental health. Learning to become more mindful rather than mindlessly partaking in something knowing that it is not for you.
‘There’s no shortage of information about what boundaries are. But it’s more difficult to find strategies that can help you communicate and reinforce your boundaries - especially when it makes you feel anxious, guilty, frustrated that you’re not being heard, or overwhelmed by a potentially unpleasant reaction. I want you to learn how to empower yourself with boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable, so that you can live unapologetically and authentically.�
This is a book that provides practical guidance when working with your personal boundaries and how to both promote and protect them whilst living with the demands of society. Embrace the life you want without being overwhelmed by emotions and situations that drain your energy. This life is not just about surviving but living - rewrite your script, define those boundaries, live the life you want and those that love you will both understand and support you.
‘At the end of the day (and at the end of your days), you are answering to yourself about how you used your time, energy and love. Boundaries help to ensure that you use these personal resources in a way that is consistent with your values and who you want to be as a person, and that you are respected by others while doing so.�
This review is based on a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The quoted material may have changed in the final release.
Most people don’t necessarily have trouble setting up boundaries but it becomes more difficult when it comes to enforcing them for your own sanity. You know what you like, you know what’s good for you � you also know the ways your energy gets drained. This is the reason I turned to this book - to understand, to trust my instincts and listen to that inner voice that would lead me in the right direction.
‘We have evolved to listen to our minds as though they speak the whole truth all the time. But minds can be a little prone to melodrama, and occasionally create a picture of reality that’s not entirely accurate.�
It is not just about saying ‘no� - there is so much more to it. In today’s world we are faced with so many personal and professional demands and time is precious. If you are not careful you will face exhaustion at best and become lost at worst. This book is about finding ways to reclaim your time and energy that promote your values and long term goals.
‘Setting boundaries requires us to be vulnerable - which is uncomfortable. To draw circles of empowerment around ourselves, and to respect the circles other people draw around themselves, we need to find a way through the feely stuff, to live in the deep end of life. It’s here we get to explore life in its entirety, rather than avoiding it for the illusion of comfort in the shallow end.�
Setting Boundaries helps by providing both the theory and practice in regaining equilibrium and establishing your wellbeing as a central focus. When the everyday situations and interactions become draining, it is time to return to your valued boundaries. Identify them, know them and understand that they are key to your mental health. Learning to become more mindful rather than mindlessly partaking in something knowing that it is not for you.
‘There’s no shortage of information about what boundaries are. But it’s more difficult to find strategies that can help you communicate and reinforce your boundaries - especially when it makes you feel anxious, guilty, frustrated that you’re not being heard, or overwhelmed by a potentially unpleasant reaction. I want you to learn how to empower yourself with boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable, so that you can live unapologetically and authentically.�
This is a book that provides practical guidance when working with your personal boundaries and how to both promote and protect them whilst living with the demands of society. Embrace the life you want without being overwhelmed by emotions and situations that drain your energy. This life is not just about surviving but living - rewrite your script, define those boundaries, live the life you want and those that love you will both understand and support you.
‘At the end of the day (and at the end of your days), you are answering to yourself about how you used your time, energy and love. Boundaries help to ensure that you use these personal resources in a way that is consistent with your values and who you want to be as a person, and that you are respected by others while doing so.�
This review is based on a complimentary copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The quoted material may have changed in the final release.
November 17, 2021
I'm not in the habit of reviewing books that I read for work, but every so often one comes along that I think is useful. My criteria for 'useful' is a book that's written in a straightforward, easy to understand style; that has its basis in science (yes, there are plenty of 'spiritual' self-help books available but I find they're only 'useful' for a small audience at a very specific time in their lives); that presents information in multiple ways (think diagrams, case studies, check-lists, and practice exercises); and is one that you might revisit.
by fits the criteria.
Ray explores the ways in which people establish, maintain and strengthen their personal boundaries. She defines boundaries as '...circles of preservation, protection and personal empowerment that you draw around yourself'. In other words, personal boundaries articulate our limits and without them, we'd be constantly at the beck and call of others.
Ray provides a structured approach to understanding boundaries and includes exercises and self-reflection tasks. For this reason, it's a book that would be best to work through relatively slowly, testing and putting things into practice as you go. That said, there are plenty of gems peppered throughout which you're likely to latch on to, such as -
and
One of the common misconceptions about boundaries is that they are 'selfish', or 'aggressive', and are focused on saying 'no'. Ray highlights that in fact, boundaries are the most helpful form of communication you can offer to another person - they allow us to give direct instructions about needs and limits, rather than expecting others to be mind-readers.
I enjoyed Ray's incorporation of the neuro-science associated with boundaries, particularly that in understanding and knowing our self-worth, we create a foundation for healthy boundaries. Ray explores 'worthiness' within the context of 'biological' pull -
Of course, this is all good in theory and much harder to actually do (and sustain). Although some of Ray's suggested affirmations and exercises struck me as slightly simplistic, lots of valuable work starts with awareness. So, next time you feel a little resentful or frustrated by someone else's behaviour, it's a reminder to review your boundaries.
3.5/5 Lots to work with.
I received my copy of Setting Boundaries from the publisher, Pan Macmillan, via , in exchange for an honest review.
by fits the criteria.
Ray explores the ways in which people establish, maintain and strengthen their personal boundaries. She defines boundaries as '...circles of preservation, protection and personal empowerment that you draw around yourself'. In other words, personal boundaries articulate our limits and without them, we'd be constantly at the beck and call of others.
Ray provides a structured approach to understanding boundaries and includes exercises and self-reflection tasks. For this reason, it's a book that would be best to work through relatively slowly, testing and putting things into practice as you go. That said, there are plenty of gems peppered throughout which you're likely to latch on to, such as -
Your resentment is showing you that your boundaries are being crossed.
and
You will always receive the greatest resistance to your boundaries from those who profit from you having none.
One of the common misconceptions about boundaries is that they are 'selfish', or 'aggressive', and are focused on saying 'no'. Ray highlights that in fact, boundaries are the most helpful form of communication you can offer to another person - they allow us to give direct instructions about needs and limits, rather than expecting others to be mind-readers.
I enjoyed Ray's incorporation of the neuro-science associated with boundaries, particularly that in understanding and knowing our self-worth, we create a foundation for healthy boundaries. Ray explores 'worthiness' within the context of 'biological' pull -
We fixate on the measurement of worthiness as if it were tied to our very survival - because once upon a time it was. Access to protection, resources and connectedness depended on our ancestors contributing, fitting in, and not compromising the safety of the clan at large. Our current culture is a product of our need to belong to each other, and it uses measurement of worthiness for grading how well we're doing at being human.
Of course, this is all good in theory and much harder to actually do (and sustain). Although some of Ray's suggested affirmations and exercises struck me as slightly simplistic, lots of valuable work starts with awareness. So, next time you feel a little resentful or frustrated by someone else's behaviour, it's a reminder to review your boundaries.
3.5/5 Lots to work with.
I received my copy of Setting Boundaries from the publisher, Pan Macmillan, via , in exchange for an honest review.
January 26, 2023
Absolutely loved reading through this book. I took my time to read through this and process each chapter. It’s a lot of information, but easily digestible and written in simple language. I usually don’t read self-help books, but I enjoyed this one.
Talked about boundaries - how to determine your own boundaries and how to set boundaries with others; inner self - our own thoughts, ways we protect ourselves from discomfort; self-regulation - regulating our thoughts and emotions.
I am someone who struggles with creating healthy boundaries with other people. I think this was an important reset for me, and a reminder that I am allowed to put myself first.
Great way to start of 2023.
Talked about boundaries - how to determine your own boundaries and how to set boundaries with others; inner self - our own thoughts, ways we protect ourselves from discomfort; self-regulation - regulating our thoughts and emotions.
I am someone who struggles with creating healthy boundaries with other people. I think this was an important reset for me, and a reminder that I am allowed to put myself first.
Great way to start of 2023.
August 4, 2021
I feel I’ll be referring back to this book a lot as I move forward on my journey. Clear, concise advice that makes you stop and really think about your relationships, plus the courage to stay true to your authentic self!
April 7, 2022
Some great practical advice and I like the idea of an inner leader but all the other inner selves got a tad confusing and repetative for me. This book did give me the little push I needed to say NO more often and to not be such a people pleaser any more.
November 21, 2024
I have learnt a lot around boundaries, boundary settings, my inner leader, protective self, and myself in general. This book has also shown me the things I am currently doing well. However, there is room for improvement in some areas.
March 25, 2025
This book is such a practical toolkit and guide for setting boundaries, I genuinely feel more equipped to set and maintain and adjust boundaries when needed. I like the use weaving in examples through stories as well was straightforward prompts, reflection and actions.
February 8, 2022
- thanks to @macmillanaus for my #gifted copy
I did not know I needed this book so much in my life until I finished reading it. I seldom write or highlight my physical books, but I couldn't help annotating so much on the margins of this one while I was reading it, highlighting passages that I know I will come back to in the future.
Setting Boundaries is divided into three sections -or pillars- where the author delves into different aspects of boundaries: inner leadership, self-acceptance and rules of engagement. At the beginning and during the first section, I must admit that I was not too convinced about what I was reading. I mean, with a history of over six years of therapy in my life, I thought I had heard it all about setting boundaries. But, alas, I was wrong.
The more I read and understood where the author was going, the more everything made sense, especially that first section that initially did not feel too compelling. In fact, I found myself going back and rereading passages from the first section while connecting ideas, reflecting and trying on the exercises the author proposes.
I was also impressed by how relatable this book was, even when the author shares other people's experiences that might not resonate much with my personal experiences. I truly enjoyed getting access to invaluable information and examples of what being human looks like and how, ultimately, we are all here trying our best, learning every day. It was relieving and reassuring to read, again and again, that even though things go wrong and we make mistakes, we can truly learn from those experiences without the automatically assigned guilt.
Thanks to her straightforward, concise and entertaining writing style, all the priceless lessons and recommendations Dr Ray shares in her book are effortless to absorb. Although she delves into challenging issues that might be difficult to read, she does so with humour and constant positive and comforting vibes.
Overall, Setting Boundaries is a must-read for every single human out there trying to cope with our inner and outer lives. 100% recommended.
I did not know I needed this book so much in my life until I finished reading it. I seldom write or highlight my physical books, but I couldn't help annotating so much on the margins of this one while I was reading it, highlighting passages that I know I will come back to in the future.
Setting Boundaries is divided into three sections -or pillars- where the author delves into different aspects of boundaries: inner leadership, self-acceptance and rules of engagement. At the beginning and during the first section, I must admit that I was not too convinced about what I was reading. I mean, with a history of over six years of therapy in my life, I thought I had heard it all about setting boundaries. But, alas, I was wrong.
The more I read and understood where the author was going, the more everything made sense, especially that first section that initially did not feel too compelling. In fact, I found myself going back and rereading passages from the first section while connecting ideas, reflecting and trying on the exercises the author proposes.
I was also impressed by how relatable this book was, even when the author shares other people's experiences that might not resonate much with my personal experiences. I truly enjoyed getting access to invaluable information and examples of what being human looks like and how, ultimately, we are all here trying our best, learning every day. It was relieving and reassuring to read, again and again, that even though things go wrong and we make mistakes, we can truly learn from those experiences without the automatically assigned guilt.
Thanks to her straightforward, concise and entertaining writing style, all the priceless lessons and recommendations Dr Ray shares in her book are effortless to absorb. Although she delves into challenging issues that might be difficult to read, she does so with humour and constant positive and comforting vibes.
Overall, Setting Boundaries is a must-read for every single human out there trying to cope with our inner and outer lives. 100% recommended.
July 11, 2021
Fantastic book. Readable, with plenty of tips, tricks and examples of setting boundaries, engaging in difficult conversations and becoming more empowered in our day to day life. I definitely recommend this book to all! Thanks to NetGalley for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
August 9, 2021
This was actually a joy to read, even though it was also calling me out on all of my *cough* less-than-helpful *cough* behaviours and mindsets. It gave me the perspective I needed to just step back and realise that I was allowing myself to be walked on, and then getting mad about it later, among other things.
Setting boundaries is something that I have generally always been interested in, as I just don't feel like the average person is given much help in knowing how to do these things. It's only been in recent years, even, that I've seen individuals who have a good twenty or thirty years on me notice that their relationships with their parents have been intensely warped due to non-existent or extremely permeable boundaries: this is just not something that most people know innately how to do.
This book arrived at a time when I was really suffering with some difficulties with my neighbours, as well as wondering if a friendship of mine had reached its natural end (though that natural end came with some resentment, at least on my part). Reading this book brought home to me, once again, that good boundaries start with me, rather than some outside force, or expecting people to just know innately what my needs are and meet them using some kind of intense telepathy (honestly, when I think about it, people I know having intense telepathy skillz actually freaks me out a whole lot - better to just set the boundaries and monitor them myself...)
I felt a bit nervous that Dr Ray was going to make this into a gimmick, but, aside from a couple of naming techniques which I found a bit cheesy (but have to acknowledge that it makes it easier to remember and understand certain concepts), everything felt down-to-earth, logical, and, best of all, welcoming. I didn't feel like I was being judged for not having good boundaries or not knowing how to enforce them - Dr Ray draws on years of experience as a clinical psychologist, but also as a boundary-setter herself, and she doesn't talk down to the reader or cloak everything in useless jargon - it's all straightforward and helpful.
Basically, I really enjoyed reading this one, and will be returning to it a lot, I think.
10/10 boundaries in place.
{I received a review copy of this book from Pan Macmillan in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and feelings are my own. Thank you!!}
Setting boundaries is something that I have generally always been interested in, as I just don't feel like the average person is given much help in knowing how to do these things. It's only been in recent years, even, that I've seen individuals who have a good twenty or thirty years on me notice that their relationships with their parents have been intensely warped due to non-existent or extremely permeable boundaries: this is just not something that most people know innately how to do.
This book arrived at a time when I was really suffering with some difficulties with my neighbours, as well as wondering if a friendship of mine had reached its natural end (though that natural end came with some resentment, at least on my part). Reading this book brought home to me, once again, that good boundaries start with me, rather than some outside force, or expecting people to just know innately what my needs are and meet them using some kind of intense telepathy (honestly, when I think about it, people I know having intense telepathy skillz actually freaks me out a whole lot - better to just set the boundaries and monitor them myself...)
I felt a bit nervous that Dr Ray was going to make this into a gimmick, but, aside from a couple of naming techniques which I found a bit cheesy (but have to acknowledge that it makes it easier to remember and understand certain concepts), everything felt down-to-earth, logical, and, best of all, welcoming. I didn't feel like I was being judged for not having good boundaries or not knowing how to enforce them - Dr Ray draws on years of experience as a clinical psychologist, but also as a boundary-setter herself, and she doesn't talk down to the reader or cloak everything in useless jargon - it's all straightforward and helpful.
Basically, I really enjoyed reading this one, and will be returning to it a lot, I think.
10/10 boundaries in place.
{I received a review copy of this book from Pan Macmillan in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and feelings are my own. Thank you!!}
August 21, 2023
I loved this book (and lately I didn’t like self-help books that much).
This one was an easy and enlightening read for me. I loved the way she writes, as well as the way she tried to empower us in setting boundaries and respect ourselves. I found myself in few situations and I feel more happy an confident in what I believe, who I am, and what I want in life! As I always believe, life is one and our to own, no one else can design our path or try. If someone really love us and accept us, they have to do it respecting also our choices and boundaries, otherwise I don’t need you in my life.
The book covers aspects of how sometimes we are controlled by others without noticing it or without paying attention to it and how to take back that control without malice. Because we come first and we need to be happy! If someone is not ok with our boundaries and they feel hurt somehow by that, it’s their problem to deal with, not ours.
And sometimes is ok to readjust our boundaries and with that our relationship with some people.
We are all human, we all change, and it’s ok to loose people on the way that no longer align with our way to live, think, and are, especially if they don’t respect out person.
One of the best quotes in the book, which sums up Dr Ray’s argument, is by Behavioural Scientist Steve Maraboli, which states “If you’re offended by my boundaries, then you’re probably one of the reasons I need them.�
Setting Boundaries is, in my personal opinion, one of the most useful and important self-help books on the market. While the focus of self-improvement is often on how to recognise one’s own failings, Dr Ray has flipped the argument to focus on how we liaise with the negative external influences on our life. It’s a lesson in empathy and communication as much as it’s a lesson in being assertive.
I really want to read other books from her now!
Thanks 😊
This one was an easy and enlightening read for me. I loved the way she writes, as well as the way she tried to empower us in setting boundaries and respect ourselves. I found myself in few situations and I feel more happy an confident in what I believe, who I am, and what I want in life! As I always believe, life is one and our to own, no one else can design our path or try. If someone really love us and accept us, they have to do it respecting also our choices and boundaries, otherwise I don’t need you in my life.
The book covers aspects of how sometimes we are controlled by others without noticing it or without paying attention to it and how to take back that control without malice. Because we come first and we need to be happy! If someone is not ok with our boundaries and they feel hurt somehow by that, it’s their problem to deal with, not ours.
And sometimes is ok to readjust our boundaries and with that our relationship with some people.
We are all human, we all change, and it’s ok to loose people on the way that no longer align with our way to live, think, and are, especially if they don’t respect out person.
One of the best quotes in the book, which sums up Dr Ray’s argument, is by Behavioural Scientist Steve Maraboli, which states “If you’re offended by my boundaries, then you’re probably one of the reasons I need them.�
Setting Boundaries is, in my personal opinion, one of the most useful and important self-help books on the market. While the focus of self-improvement is often on how to recognise one’s own failings, Dr Ray has flipped the argument to focus on how we liaise with the negative external influences on our life. It’s a lesson in empathy and communication as much as it’s a lesson in being assertive.
I really want to read other books from her now!
Thanks 😊
November 23, 2022
Setting Boundaries is the perfect introduction into self-knowledge and setting boundaries. Starting at the beginning, Dr Ray introduces the reader to the idea of self-knowledges and how we can better understand ourselves, through unlocking our unconscious thoughts and feeling.
Dr Ray explores the notion of regulating and accepting our feelings, providing the reader with detailed activities to reconnect and take control of our emotions. Presenting the idea of boundaries as control over our emotions and simply priorities the actions and behaviours which are important to us and that align with our values.
Dr Ray reframes the idea of setting boundaries as a way to liberate oneself and live a more fulfilled life, a life in which your core values are being respected by both yourself and those who you surround yourself with. This viewpoint offers a friendly and approachable guide to reclaim your power and set meaningful boundaries.
Important pages
o 82/83� boundaries and values questions/list
o 85/86� bill of rights
o 102/161ïƒ different roles in ourselves (guardian and child etc.)
o 181� honouring feelings
o 190/191� feeling feelings
o 209/210ïƒ detachment exercise
o 248/250ïƒ communication skills/types
o 257/278ïƒ actions
o 263/296� focusing on what you can control
o 307/308� managing judgement and boundaries
Dr Ray explores the notion of regulating and accepting our feelings, providing the reader with detailed activities to reconnect and take control of our emotions. Presenting the idea of boundaries as control over our emotions and simply priorities the actions and behaviours which are important to us and that align with our values.
Dr Ray reframes the idea of setting boundaries as a way to liberate oneself and live a more fulfilled life, a life in which your core values are being respected by both yourself and those who you surround yourself with. This viewpoint offers a friendly and approachable guide to reclaim your power and set meaningful boundaries.
Important pages
o 82/83� boundaries and values questions/list
o 85/86� bill of rights
o 102/161ïƒ different roles in ourselves (guardian and child etc.)
o 181� honouring feelings
o 190/191� feeling feelings
o 209/210ïƒ detachment exercise
o 248/250ïƒ communication skills/types
o 257/278ïƒ actions
o 263/296� focusing on what you can control
o 307/308� managing judgement and boundaries
June 19, 2023
This book is incredible and essential. I have saved some pages to type up later. This book has really helped me be brave and set boundaries with assertiveness often. There has been one particular person who I have been resentful towards because they expect me not to have boundaries and have been negative towards me whenever I have tried to set boundaries. It was so traumatising to me that I think it made my reproductive system pause out of fear and stress that I wouldn’t be able to protect my children.
Now I feel like I can set boundaries with this person and I don’t care what they throw at me. They’re behaviour has made me uncomfortable with having a close relationship with this person. I don’t feel guilt about choosing to keep this person at arms length. I think it’s totally reasonable for me to distance myself from someone who makes me feel physically and emotionally unsafe.
I still feel nervous about setting boundaries at times but I feel like I now have to tools to deal with situations where I need to speak up and state my boundaries.
I would recommend this book to everyone. I think if more people practised healthy boundaries our world would be a more peaceful place.
Now I feel like I can set boundaries with this person and I don’t care what they throw at me. They’re behaviour has made me uncomfortable with having a close relationship with this person. I don’t feel guilt about choosing to keep this person at arms length. I think it’s totally reasonable for me to distance myself from someone who makes me feel physically and emotionally unsafe.
I still feel nervous about setting boundaries at times but I feel like I now have to tools to deal with situations where I need to speak up and state my boundaries.
I would recommend this book to everyone. I think if more people practised healthy boundaries our world would be a more peaceful place.
July 17, 2023
I found Rebecca Ray after listening to . I found the chapter on boundaries particularly interesting and wanted to know more - happily my search was quickly rewarded with an entire book by Rebecca about boundaries!
I listened to the audio version read by Rebecca herself, who is a delight to listen to. I did get a bit lost trying to keep track of all the protection selves - I might end up buying a hard copy or kindle version I can highlight and refer back to. Definitely needs a reread at some point. Highly recommended.
I listened to the audio version read by Rebecca herself, who is a delight to listen to. I did get a bit lost trying to keep track of all the protection selves - I might end up buying a hard copy or kindle version I can highlight and refer back to. Definitely needs a reread at some point. Highly recommended.
August 28, 2023
I was familiar with a lot of this from therapy, but having it all comprehensively laid out like this was really useful. The book is formatted very well, with prompts, examples, questions to the reader and summaries; my thanks to the poor person who had to format the eBook I read, with all the graphics. I find that self help/psychology books can sometimes overstep with advice to the reader, so I appreciate how balanced Dr Ray is (e.g. in the real life examples, she clearly says that verbal or physical abuse in response to boundary setting is unacceptable, but doesn't respond with 'you should end this relationship.')
Hopefully I'll be able to set boundaries now without getting a stress headache.
Hopefully I'll be able to set boundaries now without getting a stress headache.
December 25, 2023
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟/5
� Applicable, evidence-based strategies for establishing and managing boundaries , and recognising unhealthy habits/patterns of thinking
� De-identified examples given, making the content relatable
� Sets you up for a growth mindset; and the understanding that continuous growth is the goal
� Processes and mantras are easily applicable to real life situations.
� ‘Protection selves� were a game changer for me. Also, ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn� response.
I listened to the audiobook, revisiting each chapter to highlight and take notes. I attempted to apply strategies as I went, pausing reading sporadically to not be overwhelmed with too much information. This meant reading the book entirely took 8 months.
� Applicable, evidence-based strategies for establishing and managing boundaries , and recognising unhealthy habits/patterns of thinking
� De-identified examples given, making the content relatable
� Sets you up for a growth mindset; and the understanding that continuous growth is the goal
� Processes and mantras are easily applicable to real life situations.
� ‘Protection selves� were a game changer for me. Also, ‘fight, flight, freeze, fawn� response.
I listened to the audiobook, revisiting each chapter to highlight and take notes. I attempted to apply strategies as I went, pausing reading sporadically to not be overwhelmed with too much information. This meant reading the book entirely took 8 months.
December 14, 2023
One of the best "self help" books I've ever listened to. From a self professed doormat who has spent her first 30+ years being stamped all over and taken advantage of, this book has really taught me how to set some solid boundaries in ways that don't make me want to run before the words get out of my mouth. I still occasionally want to run, but I'm able to quell my fear, and lay down solid, reasonable boundaries. I've never felt so empowered.
March 6, 2025
This could’ve been 100 pages and still would’ve given the exact same message.
A lot of yap and repetitiveness. I could see what she was trying to do but it took too long to explain it all that I lost interest/motivation for doing what she wanted me to do (set boundaries). I’m sure she’s a very clever lady but at times it didn’t feel like she was too confident in what she was talking about while reading lol.
A lot of yap and repetitiveness. I could see what she was trying to do but it took too long to explain it all that I lost interest/motivation for doing what she wanted me to do (set boundaries). I’m sure she’s a very clever lady but at times it didn’t feel like she was too confident in what she was talking about while reading lol.
November 15, 2021
This book is like a good therapy session, or perhaps a series of them. This was a library borrow, and the digital app literally took it back as I had it open - I just want to reread... ahhhh.
So I had to go buy a copy.
I think it will be very useful indeed.
Some tables did not go well in the digital format and that should disappear in a paperback copy.
4 stars
So I had to go buy a copy.
I think it will be very useful indeed.
Some tables did not go well in the digital format and that should disappear in a paperback copy.
4 stars
November 22, 2021
Without boundaries, we give up our choices about how we live to someone who is not us. At the end of your days, you are answering to yourself about how you used your time, energy and love. Boundaries help to ensure that you use these potential resources in a way that is consistent with your values and who you want to be as a person - this is Inner Leadership.
January 18, 2023
I found this really easy to get through and it was useful for me. Self help isn't for everyone but Dr. Rebecca Ray does a really nice job of setting boundaries not only with others but especially within yourself and how to manage your internal thoughts. For self-help lovers, this is a great read, one I think I will be referring to quite often.
June 12, 2023
A fantastic manual on how to navigate the ins and outs of how to set your own boundaries. This hardback book was a philosophical tool to help me reclaim my mindset around this topic, and recognise times in my life where in my childhood I neglected my needs. Big fan! Onto book #2 - Difficult People now.
October 31, 2021
A very good guide, boundaries are a thing??!! As a child of trauma this was a revelation, great in conjunction with work with my own psych. Not sure how you'd go without th at support....but a good place to start.
May 7, 2022
A must read for all adults. This book clearly states how you should set boundaries and maintain healthy relationships. This book is also based on psychology, so it's great for those who do not want faith based help.
March 24, 2023
This self-help book contains great practical advices on the importance of setting boundaries in order to maintain healthy relationships with yourself and others.
I liked it, but it felt a little bit repetitive sometimes.
I liked it, but it felt a little bit repetitive sometimes.
July 24, 2023
Must read for all adults. Very well written and one of the best self help books. This is a book that provides practical guidance to set up boundaries. How to communicate, promote and protect your boundaries without being overwhelmed by emotions.
February 9, 2025
Has great thoughts and advice, and stands out from other self-help books I've read. Would definitely recommend this one. I read this as an audiobook on Borrowbox but will now also be getting my own copy.
April 14, 2025
Incredible!
Packed to the brim with tools and strategies; balanced with empathy, curiosity and kindness.
It’s alot of info to take in (as a very novice reader). So I took it in chunks over a few months.
But SOOO worth it.
Packed to the brim with tools and strategies; balanced with empathy, curiosity and kindness.
It’s alot of info to take in (as a very novice reader). So I took it in chunks over a few months.
But SOOO worth it.
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