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Hi,
I'm planning on self-publishing my next book, Becoming Felicity, in a few weeks time. It is a sequel to my first three John & Andy books, and the story involves a number of the main characters from those books.
The blurb I have so far is:-

Hannah is a world-weary 17-year-old. Having grown-up in Social Care, she knows all the answers, and dislikes most of them.
Fate takes a hand, and Hannah ambushes John Mason when he is on walkabout in Cambridge. John is unique, in part because of his alien AI brain-mate Andy, and in part because he is determined to live by his own moral rules.
John's mother is worried her son’s interactions with girls are out of control. By any reasonable measure she is right. But somehow controlling John proves much harder in practice than anyone could ever have imagined.

Any and all suggestions on how to improve it gratefully received.

Thanks, Nick

PS, I intend to offer this e-book as a free download.

It's not bad. It might intrigue me enough to open the book. Just a few minor things...

So, is there no one named Felicity in the book?
Hannah ambushes John... I think I know what you mean, but on the first reading, having no knowledge of John or Hannah or what their relationship is, I assumed she mugged him, kidnapped him, etc. Might help to make it clearer what actually transpired.
I don't know what an alien AI brain-mate is. But, I don't read a lot of science fiction. Maybe your target audience will get it.
Just an opinion, but I think everyone lives by their own moral code.
Like the problem I had with ambush, it's unclear what you mean by John's interactions with girls are out of control.

Hi Dwayne,
Interesting comments.

Hannah becomes Felicity. I won't go into details, as that would give away a lot of the story.
Ambushes is perhaps not quite the right word. She manages to work out where John is going to be and then attracts his attention by shouting, Think pop fan and Justin Bieber if it helps.

As for moral codes, who knows? Stabbings seem to be common enough, but presumably most people believe killing someone for no reason is wrong.

Andy the AI has no existence outside of John's brain - it could be a case of possession, but it isn't written that way.

It is confusing. Why would Hannah ambush John? What is the connection? And what does John's aiien AI partner have to do with this? And who is Felicity? And how does John's mother play into this?
We need some connections here while leaving us to wonder what will happen.
We need a reason for her to kidnap or ambush John. We need to know more why and where it's headed along with some of the starting complications.
As it stands, there isn't one thing there to make me want to even open the book.

Well I am going to offer the book for free, so maybe you will give it a look to resolve your unanswered questions :-)

I prefer not to give too much away in the blurb, as I feel people should not be told the whole of the story without even reading any of it.

Here's the thing, the reader--any reader--needs a reason to read the book. There is nothing in that blurb that creates curiosity. It is totally disjointed and doesn't give us a basis for wanting to read the book.

There is no "hook" to draw me in. Why should I care about any of these characters? And you need both.

Nick wrote: "Well I am going to offer the book for free, so maybe you will give it a look to resolve your unanswered questions :-)"

I think you misunderstand. Too many vague disconnections in a blurb will make people not want to read your book. No one will pick up your book, free or otherwise, if they aren't interested in the blurb. A good blurb should be intriguing, not confusing.

Nick wrote: "I prefer not to give too much away in the blurb, as I feel people should not be told the whole of the story without even reading any of it."

A blurb should be roughly one hundred fifty words. A novel is significantly longer. You won't give away everything in the blurb, but give the reader enough to get them interested.

Nick wrote: "Hannah becomes Felicity. I won't go into details, as that would give away a lot of the story."

Then a better title might be in order. There's already several things in the blurb that are not connecting and to have a title that doesn't connect to anything in the blurb, it makes the whole work feel sloppy. You need to polish it.

Nick, I think that everybody has given you really good comments. As for me, I sometimes learn best when someone can give me a tangible example. I haven't read your book, nor do I really have a good handle on what it is about. But based on the little I do know, and the many blurbs I've had to write, maybe this might help you with a good jumping off point:
Hannah is a world-weary 17-year-old. Having grown-up in Social Care, she knows all the answers, and dislikes most of them.
Fate takes a hand when Hannah stumbles across John Mason when he is on a walkabout in Cambridge. Little did she know that her life is about to change forever.
John has issues of his own, in part because of his alien AI brain-mate Andy. John is determined to live an ethical life, despite the many influences that are trying to suck him down into depravity.
Will meeting Hannah be a good influence in John’s life, or just one more thing that has him spiraling out of control? And for Hannah, will John be the salvation that she seeks, or will he be just one more person who lets her down?

Please take this with a pound, not a grain, of salt.

To the rest of the responders, I am new to commenting in this group, please advise if I was out of line.

Caitlyn wrote: "To the rest of the responders, I am new to commenting in this group, please advise if I was out of line."

No, you're fine. Some members here like to try to write up a blurb in order to help others. I refrain, usually. In this case, I don't understand enough about what the book is about to attempt a blurb. I'm not picking up on a plot or a theme or much of anything. I am not picking up on anything to work with with the characters. For example: Based on what Nick told me, Hannah is stalking John so she can shout at him. But why?

Caitlyn wrote: "Nick, I think that everybody has given you really good comments. As for me, I sometimes learn best when someone can give me a tangible example. I haven't read your book, nor do I really have a good..."

Hi Caitlyn - very helpful. I'm with you when you say concrete examples of rewording work best for me.

Dwayne wrote: "Caitlyn wrote: "To the rest of the responders, I am new to commenting in this group, please advise if I was out of line."

No, you're fine. Some members here like to try to write up a blurb in orde..."

Hi Dwayne.
Hannah has had a hard start in life, and has spent most of her childhood in government care. She hears that John is due to come to Cambridge and decides to try to use his visit to boost her popularity with her peers. The idea being that as John has a large social media following due to various things he has done, he has a loyal fans tracking his movements.
As I am close to 600K words into the characters in my stories, I'm finding it hard to give enough background to make sense of what is going on in a short blurb.

Nick wrote: "As I am close to 600K words into the characters in my stories, I'm finding it hard to give enough background to make sense of what is going on in a short blurb."

It might help to remember the two key things a blurb needs.

1. Introduce the main character(s). - You have done that.
2. What is the main conflict? What is at stake? - I am not really seeing that.

There are other important things you can add to a blurb, but I believe these to be the most crucial elements.

Dwayne wrote: "Nick wrote: "As I am close to 600K words into the characters in my stories, I'm finding it hard to give enough background to make sense of what is going on in a short blurb."

It might help to reme..."
Hi Dwayne, thanks - v helpful. And thanks to everyone who commented - good support.
As for your title, I'm reminded of an old pun which went something like, "He was a very religious person, even when tending his garden he would begin with the words Lettuce spray. "

I've revised my blurb - ambushes was the wrong word, but I couldn't think of a better one at the time.

Hannah is a world-weary 17-year-old. Having grown-up in Social Care, she knows all the answers, and dislikes most of them.

Fate takes a hand, when John Mason comes to Cambridge and Hannah waylays him on behalf of her friend Maddy. John is unique, in part because of his alien AI brain-mate Andy, and in part because he is determined to live by his own moral rules. He also has a huge Social Media following.

John's mother is worried her son’s interactions with girls are out of control. By any reasonable measure, she is right. But somehow controlling John proves much harder in practice than anyone could ever have imagined.

Hannah was one Don’t-Care girl’s past. Felicity may be her future, if she can cope with John’s outrageous demands.

Hello Nick,
I ran your revised blurb through the Kindlepreneur.com book description generator and got the following interesting feedback:

"This book description could use some work! To make it more enticing, start with a hook sentence that captures the essence of the book such as: In a world where life's answers seem bleak, Hannah and John set out to defy the odds and make their own moral rules.

Then, describe the setting of the book: Cambridge, England is the backdrop of this story, where a world-weary 17-year-old, Hannah, and her alien AI brain-mate companion, John Mason, set out to navigate the complexities of teenage life.

Describe the main character: Hannah is a street-smart, independent teen who was raised in Social Care. She is a master of finding loopholes and quickly learns to manipulate John's alien AI brain-mate, Andy, to her advantage.

End with a suspenseful sentence: As Hannah and John navigate their newfound relationship, they come to the realization that their choices can have far-reaching consequences that neither of them could have ever imagined.

If you enjoyed the book, Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro, you'll love Hannah and John's adventures through Cambridge."

AI can be a useful tool in our business!
Pete

Thanks for the help, Pete - lots to think about.

Hannah is a world-weary 17-year-old. Having grown-up in Social Care, she knows all the answers, and dislikes most of them.

Not a bad first line. We know who we are, the situation, and her age.

Fate takes a hand, and Hannah ambushes John Mason when he is on walkabout in Cambridge.

Here, you’re off the rails. We need to know in what way “fate� caused that to happen, what an “ambush� is in terms of this story, and why it matters. And, you’re relying on Crocodile Dundee for your terminology. A walkabout is extended journey on foot through a remote area. And Cambridge, be it in England, the US, or wherever, doesn’t fit.

John is unique, in part because of his alien AI brain-mate Andy, and in part because he is determined to live by his own moral rules.

I give up. What’s an alien AI brain-mate, and how does it differ from a non- alien AI brain-mate? And why are we to assume that his moral rules are...well, moral?

It appears that you’re trying to present a mini-synopsis of the story in 97 words. But if you could, it wouldn’t be much of a story, right? In any case, information isn't the role of a blurb. Its purpose is singular: Make the reader want to turn to page one and see what the writing is like.

The blurb, just like the story, itself, cannot be written with the nonfiction writing skills we’re given in school because its goal is to involve the reader emotionally, and those school-day writing skills focus on the presentation of facts.

One pretty good resource, is the QueryShark website, because it analyzes queries from the viewpoint of the agent you might submit to. And we can learn a lot from the mistakes of others � often, because we can see our mistakes when others make them, that are invisible when we read our own work.

Thanks, Jay. You make some great points. I'll be back with a revised version soon. I'm rubbish a t writing blurbs. I find it an extremely tricky thing to do.

Nick wrote: "Thanks, Jay. You make some great points. I'll be back with a revised version soon. I'm rubbish a t writing blurbs. I find it an extremely tricky thing to do."

You're not alone, Nick. I'm working on another one, and I'd rather walk on hot coals barefooted. Good luck.

I would write this (if for Amazon):

"Becoming Felicity" is a captivating novel that follows the rebellious journey of Hannah, a 17-year-old with a troubled past and a disdain for society's norms. When fate brings her face-to-face with John Mason, an enigmatic young man with an alien AI brain-mate named Andy, their lives intertwine unexpectedly.
In this exciting tale, Hannah's relentless spirit clashes with John's unwavering determination to live by his own moral compass. As they navigate the complexities of relationships and the pressures of societal expectations, controlling John becomes an uphill battle for his worried mother.
With its compelling characters and thought-provoking narrative, "Becoming Felicity" explores themes of identity, love, and the pursuit of personal freedom. Prepare to embark on a thrilling adventure filled with twists and turns that will keep you hooked until the very last page. Join Hannah and John/Andy as they challenge the norms of our society and discover what it truly means to forge their own paths.
This novel is a must-read for anyone seeking an exhilarating story that dares to defy the status quo. Get ready to embark on this rebellious journey today.

Feel free to use :)

Gail wrote: "Nick wrote: "Thanks, Jay. You make some great points. I'll be back with a revised version soon. I'm rubbish a t writing blurbs. I find it an extremely tricky thing to do."

You're not alone, Nick. ..."

Takes me 5 times as long to write a few sentences of blurb as it does to write the same number of chapters in my story :-(

Victoria wrote: "I would write this (if for Amazon):

"Becoming Felicity" is a captivating novel that follows the rebellious journey of Hannah, a 17-year-old with a troubled past and a disdain for society's norms...."

Thanks for taking the time to bring out some interesting points, Victoria. I'm bashing away at a revised version of my blurb, and you've certainly given me some things to work with.

Revised version of my blurb :-

Hannah is a world-weary 17-year-old. Growing up in Social Care means she knows all the answers, and hates them.

When John Mason visits Cambridge, Hannah realises she can use him to garner serious street cred. She waylays John on behalf of her friend Maddy. But attracting John’s attention carries risks as well as rewards.

John’s unique, in part because of his secret alien AI brain-mate Andy, and in part because he is determined to live by his own moral rules. He’s also rich, and has a huge Social Media following. The upsides of becoming close to John are clear, the downsides, though not hidden, are less obvious.

John isn’t put off by Hannah’s tough girl exterior. He knows inside her there is a vulnerable young girl who longs to belong somewhere; he can use that. The rules John lives by are his own, and his advisor, Andy, has no scruples at all.

Hannah was one Don’t-Care girl’s past. Felicity may be her future, if she can carve out a place in John’s outrageous lifestyle. Being able to imagine Harry Potter growing up in a 50 Shades of Grey world means you can safely ignore this book, for anyone else, reading it is a must.

Caitlyn wrote: "Nick, I think that everybody has given you really good comments. As for me, I sometimes learn best when someone can give me a tangible example. I haven't read your book, nor do I really have a good..."

Caitlyn, this is much clearer.

Wanjiru wrote: "Caitlyn wrote: "Nick, I think that everybody has given you really good comments. As for me, I sometimes learn best when someone can give me a tangible example. I haven't read your book, nor do I re..."

Thanks for that. I've tried to incorporate the points made in this latest version.

Revised to try to simplify - my new version is :

Hannah is a world-weary 17-year-old. Growing up in Social Care means Hannah knows all the answers, and hates them.

When John Mason visits Cambridge, Hannah realises she can use him. But attracting John’s attention is risky. The plusses are he is rich, and has a huge Social Media following. The minuses, though concealed, are very real.

Living by his own rules, John isn’t put off by Hannah’s tough girl exterior. He knows that inside is a vulnerable young girl who longs to belong somewhere; he can use that. John’s built-in advisor, a secret alien brain-mate called Andy, has no scruples whatsoever.

Hannah was one Don’t-Care girl’s past. Felicity may be her future, if she can find a place in John’s outrageous life. Being able to imagine Harry Potter growing up in a 50 Shades of Grey World means you can safely ignore this book, otherwise reading it is a must.