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“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”
― Jarod Kintz

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want

“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”
― Jarod Kintz, Great Listener Seeks Mute Women

“Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“I wanted to tell her “I love youâ€� back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.â€�”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.â€� Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.â€�”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“Love is like a forest, I think as I kill trees by squandering toilet paper while “decoratingâ€� my ex girlfriend’s front yard.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.â€� That’s basically me asking for a small large in a medium cup.â€�”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I’m putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I’m more like clay.â€�”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I am the sunrise of sunsets, and I make love like noon at midnight.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“For me, it’s not about winning an award. It’s also about not even being nominated.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a patch of Bigfoot’s fur, and a patch of land on Pluto (limit one per customer).â€�”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I found love in the arms of another woman. Who needs two legs, a torso, or talking?â€�”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title