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I LOVE THIS BOOK.

First off, I literally couldn't put this book down. There were about forty-two other things I should've or could've been doing, but I chose to read this book instead.

SO much of this resonated with me. Thank you Jennifer Senior! She voiced so accurately and vividly all of the things that are still not socially acceptable to discuss, such as how kids actually add CONFLICT to a marriage, instead of adding strength, as is the commonly accepted belief. People are "allowed" to moan and groan about their jobs, but they can't publicly voice their worries/concerns/gripes of parenthood. Strangers are quick to say, "Well, you CHOSE to have kids, so don't whine about it." But, people CHOSE their jobs as well.

Modern-day parenting is exhausting, overwhelming, and isolating. Jennifer discusses at length about how lonely parents feel. There is a struggle to be the perfect parent with the perfect child. The concept of "parenting" is relatively new--- a post WWII invention. The family dynamic has been turned on its head-- with the children acting as the "boss" (bosses?) of the family. Children now expect to be entertained. They have way more stuff (toys, gadgets, etc) than any previous generation ever did. They don't handle being "bored" as well as previous generations of children who actually had real responsibilities. One mom mentioned how boredom was not tolerated when she was a child: she'd be told to clean her room (or some other constructive task). Tangentially , in the show Mad Men, "old-fashioned" mom Betty tells her daughter "only boring people get bored!" Ha ha ha. What a great line. In some ways, we'd be better off approaching parenthood like our grandparents' generation did.

There are no clear-cut goals for parents now as there were in the past. Historically, parents taught their kids how to be a good (insert specific trade here -- farmer, blacksmith, printer). Teaching a specific craft / trade (for men) and for women-- learning how to cook, sew, and do all the household chores was the extent of the parental role. Nowadays, parents have a less concrete and more amorphous goal -- they want their kids to be well-adjusted and happy (and hopefully self-sufficient).

She doesn't say it outright, but Jennifer illustrates how it is much more difficult to be a mother. Mothers, despite the majority working outside the home, STILL do most of the childcare. They sign their kids up for all the activities, shuttle their kids about, plan and make the meals, clean the house, act as counselor and nurse and an arbiter of seemingly endless sibling rivalry, and the enforcer of rules ("the family nag").

When a man needs "me time", he gets it. A woman, on the other hand, feels tremendous burden of guilt, and will NOT take time for herself. And then, the woman gets resentful when she feels (and rightly so) that she is "doing more." The difference here is that men will TAKE WHAT THEY CONSIDER TO BE A RIGHT to free time. Whereas women (generally speaking) will take on the role of martyr, and will attempt to "do it all"... ( This difference in men/women was covered extensively in Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Women will NOT ask for help, because women feel that they shouldnt have to ASK for it. It should be volunteered. However, men are not like that. When they want help, they specifically ask for it. And if they dont want help, they won't. For women-- "Love means not having to ask for help." The main thing to be learned from this is: Women have to specifically ask for help from their husbands / partners if they want help.)

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The #1 frightening claim in the entire book is: "the worst part" (or hardest part) of parenting is yet to come: adolescence.
I was repeatedly told by many well-meaning parents that the first year with twins is THE worst. I thought I was over-the-hump!

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The smallest chapter of the book is the final one "Joy." It made me inwardly chuckle because the other chapters detailing the trials and tribulations were so horrifying and loooong chapters, and the chapter on JOY was so comparatively small. If you've seen the movie What to Expect When You're Expecting there's this part towards the middle of the movie where one of the dads explains what parenthood is like: "It's awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, awful, then something amazing happens that makes it all worth it, and then it's awful, awful, awful, awful, awful." I could be bungling the quote (it has been a while since I've seen the movie, but you get the gist of it.) Jennifer Senior, essentially, gets to the same point-- parenthood is truly miserable when you are experiencing the day-to-day, but there are high points sprinkled here and there, and overall, parenthood brings joy (not happiness, an important distinction). And someday, you'll look back on the rough growing up years with teary-eyed fondness, forgetting how bone-tired you were and remembering only the sweet moments.

In a nutshell, the misery of being a parent is preferable to the carefree existence of a non-parent.

“Siddhartha began to understand that it was not happiness and peace that had come to him with his son but, rather, sorrow and worry. But he loved him and preferred the sorrow and worry of love to the happiness and peace he had known without the boy. � � Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

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There is one major issue I wish Jennifer Senior had taken more time to discuss: mothers cannot win no matter which path they take--regarding the choice to have a career or not. If a woman chooses to have a time-intensive career, she is seen as a self-absorbed mom who doesn't put her kids first, even if she does. If a woman stays home, the woman is seen as an unproductive (read:"lazy") member of society--a leech. And women who work from home or who work only part-time jobs are villainized just like the others. Western society (heck , EVERY society) expects so much more women than they do from men. If a man just sticks around , he is already considered a great dad. A man can have the powerful vibrant career AND the family. Society doesn't expect him to give up anything. If a man becomes a stay at home dad , he is instantly seen as a selfless superhero.

I liked that Jennifer mentioned that no matter what choice a woman made, the woman is compelled to justify her decision in the context of what's best for the child(ren). If she works, she says it's for the child(ren) so that they have a strong role model and extra money for activities and an improved life. If she stays home, she says it's also for the child(ren)'s benefit. The working mom would rather not admit that she works because staying home means the kids would drive HER insane. And the SAHM would rather not admit that she stays home because they can't afford a babysitter or daycare. Essentially, Jennifer Senior suggests (in a roundabout way) that we should OWN our decisions, whatever they may be. Don't feel like you have to explain your choice(s) to anyone-- you don't owe others an explanation.

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Whew! Hoooooo wheeee! I went a wee bit overboard and veered off-topic, but yes, I do fully recommend this book. Especially if you're a mom. Dads, I dunno how much you'll like it. You get slammed a bit--- but you deserve it? For taking all those god damn breaks?!