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Roxanne wrote: "Irene wrote: "As far as the showing goes, it's that you are showing really well in places so when you tell it really sticks out. It seems to show up in the character descriptions. Like I said, it's..."

Glad I could help! I wasn't sure how to pick out certain spots, since a lot of it is literally a phrase or two.

Emma wrote: "It seems as if you're just trying to prove us wrong at times.

(Don't take it personally - it's just my opinion)"

Haha, it's okay. Like Roxanne said, we are trying to fill the job of editor here. No matter how perfect your piece is there is going to be some flaw, correct? SO, an editor's job is to hunt down that flaw, mark it in red ink and say "this is wrong fix it!"

So, that said, no matter how perfect all your writings are I try to find something wrong with it so you can make it even better. I know that I am, personally, terrible about not giving you guys enough praise when something is right, but I do try my best to give constructive critiques instead of telling you "it's wrong, just all wrong". Like with Roxanne's piece, she said that she has been told in the past that she shows well. That is true and it is apparent in her writing. However, if I told her "good job" she might go about believing there was nothing to improve on. So, I found the flaws and said "hey, go make this piece better by fixing this, this, and this".

(Roxanne, hope you didn't mind me using you as an example)

Irene wrote: "We all have opinions so just because you don't like something doesn't mean it is wrong, and when you critique you have to be very aware of that. So say the person I'm critiquing writes in a way that I maybe don't enjoy or maybe really like. I have to make sure, when I critique it, that it is actually wrong or right and I'm not letting my biased rule my decision."

Oh, that makes sense. I get it now! :)

Irene wrote: "(Roxanne, hope you didn't mind me using you as an example)"

No worries! I don't mind. ^w^

Joshua, this is a thread for links to "unpublished" (I use quotes because, as Irene said, anything on the internet is technically published) works for critique. Your post did not belong here so it has been removed. There are, however, some places in this group specifically for authors looking for reviews and such. You can try there and will probably get better results than you would have gotten here anyways. :)

I wish I could get as far as to have someone review my stuff. I've got snippets that I like but nothing concrete.

Selena wrote: "I wish I could get as far as to have someone review my stuff. I've got snippets that I like but nothing concrete."

Hello Selena! Are you looking for someone to review the entirety of your piece or...? Some clarification as to exactly what you are looking for might be helpful, along with a link to your work(s) if they are "unpublished" (see the post above yours made by Tara regarding the unpublished quotes).

I finally got onto Red Fez! I would love to get more feedback on this short short if anyone is willing.

Irene wrote: "Hello Selena! Are you looking for someone to review the entirety of your piece or...? Some clarification as to exactly what you are looking for might be helpful, along with a link to your work(s) if they are "unpublished" (see the post above yours made by Tara regarding the unpublished quotes).
"

Not the entirety, but once I have more than a few sentences I might post links here, but that's a long way off as yet.

Selena wrote: "Irene wrote: "Hello Selena! Are you looking for someone to review the entirety of your piece or...? Some clarification as to exactly what you are looking for might be helpful, along with a link to ..."

A few snippets is okay!

Grace wrote: "I finally got onto Red Fez! I would love to get more feedback on this short short if anyone is willing.

"

Hi! I realized I read yours and didn't respond to you, so sorry about that. Anyways, the first thing that comes to mind is I feel very lost as the reader. I think your descriptions could be tweaked a bit, but they gave me a good image. I realize this is a short story but I would provide a bit more detail, like what is Rex or be a bit more clear about what they are hiding from. The vague descriptions were actually too vague to me in that they caused a bit of confusion with what they were hiding from/what Rex was/what the main character is wearing. Also, you don't say said a whole lot, however, because this is such a short piece it really stands out when you use it repetitively. Use words like, whispered, hissed, etc, that can really amp up the reader's visual picture. I thought it was a good piece overall though and think that it could successfully expand it if you wanted to. It struck me as a flash fiction work, did you intend it to be such?

Tary wrote: "This is the link to my four short stories/flash fiction stories, please check them out! Feedback from any of you would mean the world! And I'm sorry about the few typos.
..."

It informs me that the user is not found? Could you provide the link again.

These are the 4 short stories I have written so far! Let me know what you think :)

Tary wrote: "These are the 4 short stories I have written so far! Let me know what you think :) "

I went ahead and did a quick read through all of them and am going to give feedback individually.

Second Chance: The overall story was nice and well developed, but I feel that you could work on showing instead of telling. Telling the reader the story makes it "flat", where as if you show the reader they can form a three dimensional picture in their head a whole lot easier. I sometimes have a hard time with this, which usually means the authors is also using passive instead of active voice. You should always write in active, check out this link of examples and compare it to your writing: It feels like there are passive sections in addition to telling, but I am not totally sure. Like I said though, the storyline was nicely laid out and it progressed appropriately keeping the reader interested.

She the Ripper: Again, very nicely done, however be careful with your word choice. This one feels like it is almost being told as a journal entry so the lack of showing is acceptable and the almost ranting phrases are perfect. I would advise you to read over it though, out loud, and look for places that don't feel right. One sentence that really stood out to me is this one: "My hatred for the filthy whores of Whitechapel began to grow even larger.", specifically the part that says "began to grow even larger". It feels oddly phrased.

With Bleeding Hands: I can say for certain that you are telling instead of showing and you seem to like using passive voice. To really hook your readers you want to show them the story, don't tell it to them, let them see it through the images they create from your words. The passive voice also 'helps' with the telling feel. It feels like I am reading more from a journal than a story I would pick up off the shelf. You have a solid storyline here too, which is a great thing. Some people have a hard time getting the story down, which is usually considered the hard part, you do this very nicely, the way you do it just needs to be tweaked.

The Monsters: Same thing, show me the story don't tell it. You have great ides, but putting them in passive voice and telling me the story dims their light.

Irene wrote: "Tary wrote: "These are the 4 short stories I have written so far! Let me know what you think :) "

I went ahead and did a quick read through all of them and a..."

Thank you! I did write these stories in the beginning of the year, and I do not have normal english classes, only English Second Language, so all year I've been taking classes online and watching Brandon Sanderson's lectures, and have learned a lot. This summer I am planning on going over them and reworking them! These were never going to be the final product, they are a working progress! Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read and give feedback, it is greatly appreciative!

Tary wrote: "Irene wrote: "Tary wrote: "These are the 4 short stories I have written so far! Let me know what you think :) "

I went ahead and did a quick read through all..."

No problem, sorry I can't sit down and finely comb it. So is English your second language and do you mean classes like school classes or classes you are taking on your own?

English is my first language but I moved to a province where French is the most spoken language, this place is barely bilingual, so for two years now I have not had a decent english class. That's why I started watching Brandon Sanderson's lectures on YouTube to teach myself how to write since no one else plans on doing so.

Tary wrote: "English is my first language but I moved to a province where French is the most spoken language, this place is barely bilingual, so for two years now I have not had a decent english class. That's w..."

Oh, okay. I don't know who he is, but it makes sense that you have had no formal teaching. There are certain little things here and there that stand out to me as odd. You should really check out the Writer's Journal folder, it's not a perfect selection of tips, but it may help you get started with certain things. Also, if you feel you want a particular writing question answered please message me and I will answer it in the Writing Tip of the month that is featured in the newsletter.

Brandon Sanderson is an epic fantasy author who also gives university classes on writing fiction and his students filmed his class, I've spent a majority of the year studying those videos. And thank you :)

Tary wrote: "Brandon Sanderson is an epic fantasy author who also gives university classes on writing fiction and his students filmed his class, I've spent a majority of the year studying those videos. And than..."

I might have to look into that, thank-you for explaining. One thing to keep in mind (well a few really), but the big one is that everyone writes differently so there really is no "correct" way to write once you have the mechanics and grammar correct.

Ashley wrote: "What a great forum - thanks for this. My book is available here: "

Hi Ashley! Glad you are sharing you book, but here is the issue, you posted in the wrong place. We have guideline threads for EVERY folder for a reason, please read them. Your post belongs over in advertisements and posting it here is spam so I have removed it.

A.M. wrote: "If you like dark fantasy that has romance, action, and strong characters, you might want to give this book a try. :) The Benighted"

Hi AM, if you read the rules for this folder you will see that we only ask you post "unpublished works." I put that in quotes because anything that is on the internet is technically published, but we mean we only want you to post things that haven't been officially published in a book format. Your post has been removed because your piece is published and thus, it belongs over in the advertisements area.

Here is the link to some poetry in prose that I wrote:

Please be aware it is 18+ and contains BDSM erotic imagery. Nothing graphic, but I am giving notice of content. Also, please provide constructive criticism if you wish to comment on it.

@Willow: I will take a look at your story and get back with you as soon as I can.

P.S. wrote: "Jessica wrote: "Us mods want to read your stories! Post the LINKS to them here. :)"

for 14 books 8 supernatural suspense novels 2 collections and 4 kids books."

Hello! While it's nice to see members sharing their work we ask that they do follow the rules of the group. If you will read the rules page for this folder you will see that we do not allow "published" works on this thread, so your post has been removed. We are aware that anything on the internet is published, but what we mean by published is officially published works in a book format such as your items. Please go advertise in the advertisements folder.

Aaron the Werebear Writer wrote: "Here is the link to some poetry in prose that I wrote:

Please be aware it is 18+ and contains BDSM erotic imagery. Not..."

Hi Aaron, I would love to read your work but alas erotica is REALLY not my thing and I would not be able to provide a helpful critique. Sorry about that. Hopefully you will have someone else come along who can help :)

Willow wrote: "Here is the link for the first three chapters of my YA paranormal fantasy:
The Lux Seekers: Book of Shadows
/story/show/...

This novel ..."

That's exciting! I wish you the best of luck. I did a quick read through it and have two things. One, be careful with your comma placement as it can make the flow really painful for the reader. Two, if characters are spouting off thoughts in their heads try to make those different than the rest of the text, the one at the beginning threw me off. You can italicize them or do something else to set them off. Otherwise it sounds good, I wish you luck!

Willow,

I sent you a private message about my feedback. I hope it is helpful.

Thank you for your feedback as well. :-)

@Irene- - It is ok. I like to get feedback from segments to see if my ideas work for someone else in that they can see the imagery in their mind.

It is more struggle for me to write a short story because my mind works differently than most because it flows more along the lines of multithreaded simultaneous thoughts.

I'm not sure whether I want to or don't want to put this up, but even just the first two or three paragraphs - what do you think?

/story/show/...

Aaron the Werebear Writer wrote: "@Irene- - It is ok. I like to get feedback from segments to see if my ideas work for someone else in that they can see the imagery in their mind.

It is more struggle for me to write a short story ..."

It's just really not my thing, more so than other genres, so I end up biased and unable to tell you whether it is actually good or not or if I just don't like it.

I enjoy receiving that feedback too, Irene. :-)

It is perfectly fine to say you don't like something, even a genre.

Emma wrote: "I'm not sure whether I want to or don't want to put this up, but even just the first two or three paragraphs - what do you think?

/story/show/......"

I didn't read all of it, but it sounds good overall. I would work on the beginning, it's a little rough. You start out telling instead of showing and almost like you meant to write it in first person instead of third...Not sure how to explain that exactly, but it feels weird.

Alright, thanks :)

@Elly -- Thank you so much for your feedback. :-)

It makes me feel good about my writing when I have constructive feedback and someone who understands what I am trying to do. I am very bold when I write, but very apprehensive when I share with others. It is one of the times I let all defenses down and open myself up to criticism about parts close to me - my dark chocolate rocky road thoughts that make most vanilla minded people run or want to give me a very disgusted look.

As you gave me your feedback on my sample, I will honor your thoughtfulness with the same in return.

@Elly -- Thank you so much for your feedback. :-)

It makes me feel good about my writing when I have constructive feedback and someone who understands what I am trying to do. I am very bold when I write, but very apprehensive when I share with others. It is one of the times I let all defenses down and open myself up to criticism about parts close to me - my dark chocolate rocky road thoughts that make most vanilla minded people run or want to give me a very disgusted look.

As you gave me your feedback on my sample, I will honor your thoughtfulness with the same in return.

/story/show/...
My writing, a shot at entertaining nonfiction. Please comment even if you do not like it

A short-short, Heart Shaped Box. I'd love to hear reactions. Thanks

/story/show/...

I recently re-wrote this from two stories I wrote 14 years ago. It's a part of a series of science fiction stories that I originally wrote from 1999 to 2005 (all of which I intend to re-write someday). The series would have had 60 such stories (chapters) divided into 6 volumes, each representing a year. I have since set them aside to concentrate on my Draconia series.

"Rock the Cradle"

V. wrote: "/story/show/...
My writing, a shot at entertaining nonfiction. Please comment even if you do not like it"

Hi! I'm not entirely sure where you are going writing style wise, as it seems more prose than straight nonfiction. That aside I really liked the piece, I think you have a specific audience that you are catering to, which is good. Effective nonfiction needs to be aimed at a specific audience :)

Renee wrote: "A short-short, Heart Shaped Box. I'd love to hear reactions. Thanks

/story/show/..."

I really like the concept and the overall storyline (even thought it's little), and it's great that you are showing instead of telling. However, I would suggest that you add a bit more to the dialogue. There are numerous words you could add in to help boost the feeling in the dialogue, is the doctor's tone disinterested? Does the patient care? Does worry taint their voice?

Elly wrote: "I have a mythology-related erotica work I'd love for folks to read and let me know how they feel about it. Obviously, this is only for adults. Those under 18 - I am requesting, strongly, that you w..."

Sorry, Elly, but I couldn't trace that link.

F.J. wrote: "I recently re-wrote this from two stories I wrote 14 years ago. It's a part of a series of science fiction stories that I originally wrote from 1999 to 2005 (all of which I intend to re-write somed..."

Hi F.J! One immediate thing I see is, have you thought of breaking it up into multiple sections for the sake of posting it on GoodReads? It gets complicated to read just because you feel like you are scrolling forever :) Other than that it looks good.

Aaron the Werebear Writer wrote: "Here is the link to some poetry in prose that I wrote:

Please be aware it is 18+ and contains BDSM erotic imagery. Not..."

This is practically a short story, but I really really like it. As a young audience, I can't really give critique, but I a poet/novelist who exerts descriptives in my writing/prose, and yours was very well-written

Irene wrote: "F.J. wrote: "I recently re-wrote this from two stories I wrote 14 years ago. It's a part of a series of science fiction stories that I originally wrote from 1999 to 2005 (all of which I intend to r..."

Yeah, I guess that would help.

It is done.

F.J. wrote: "Irene wrote: "F.J. wrote: "I recently re-wrote this from two stories I wrote 14 years ago. It's a part of a series of science fiction stories that I originally wrote from 1999 to 2005 (all of which..."

Thanks, it's much easier to read now! I don't know that Sci-fi is my thing, but I enjoyed it and say I would just double check the fluidity in places!

Irene wrote: "Renee wrote: "A short-short, Heart Shaped Box. I'd love to hear reactions. Thanks

/story/show/..."

I really like the concept and the overall storyline (even ..."

Thanks for the reaction. I appreciate you taking the time.

I use short-shorts to pare a story down to bare bones, to get to the marrow. This one will likely wind up being the beginning of a longer work at some point (I like this protag and there's a story behind this), but it's good exercise in writing lean which can help keep me honest on the longer stuff.

And I find I do like the spareness of the form.

If I left you wondering about the protag's drama-lessness; if you caught the feeling of apathy, the fact that neither one of the characters particularly cares (the doc's "patina of concern" and "aura of professional equanimity," that's what's there.

I'm afraid, even in dabbling in [urban] fantasy cum sci-fi cum magical reality (the only accurate genre label I can put on any of it is trans-genred, lol) I tend to fall over into the cauldron of literary fiction. I don't write *pretty* as R. Rommalb, not even the poetry. Nothing resembling "I wandered lonely as a cloud" comes out. ;-)

Renee wrote: "Irene wrote: "Renee wrote: "A short-short, Heart Shaped Box. I'd love to hear reactions. Thanks

/story/show/..."

I really like the concept and the overall st..."

No problem, glad it was helpful! We try to give you guys good feedback because we know even getting any feedback can be very hard.

That's fine, it is all more of a suggestion too because you have to find what is right for you when you write! There are concepts that get overlooked though, and so I wanted to point that out to you :)

Title: The Vanishing Academy
Link: /story/show/...
Description: In a world destroyed by magic, 25-year-old Aurea Nettles seems to be the only survivor left--until she stumbles across a perfectly healthy, unscathed man named Thatcher. Though she accepts his offer to help her in the new world, she likes him very little and trusts him even less.

Horrified that her fellow witches would start the end of the world, Aurea sets out to find answers with the mysterious Thatcher in tow. But is she really leading him, or is that just what he needs her to think?

*There's currently a prologue and 6 chapters posted, but I'd still like to know what everyone thinks!

Alyssa wrote: "Title: The Vanishing Academy
Link: /story/show/...
Description: In a world destroyed by magic, 25-year-old Aurea Nettles seems to be the only survi..."

I gave it a quick look and a few things stood out to me. It seems rather random that she buries herself alive. Can you give a bit more information on this? It would make it seem a little more "realistic" in that your reader can make logical connections.

The other thing that stood out was that you don't consistently show instead of tell. You always want to show your reader your story, you don't want to tell them what is happening. Show them. Show them that the grass under her feet is springy, that the sun is setting and the air is becoming cold.

Now, I have something completely positive to wrap up with, I like the story line. Yes, you can argue that it has been done before, but I like the particular take you are writing. I would say throw in a little more back ground info sooner (without doing an information dump) since it will give your reader a better foundation, but the over all concept is nice :)