ŷ������

I've put on so much cold cream on my face today that my brother is willing to take me to a dermatologist.

Oh well, I got rejected by City :( I'm officially crushed :(

So Valentine's was fun :/

Hallie wrote: "Oh well, I got rejected by City :( I'm officially crushed :("

I mean, I knew I wouldn't get in, but I'm still fucking disappointed in myself.

I'm considering asking for feedback/appealing against their decision, but I still doubt it would change things. I'd just get hurt twice :(

I still want to do it, though. I might need to make a sacrifice to someone to make this miracle happen, though.

Hallie, my advice would be to ask for an appeal or at least feedback. They've already said no so if they dont change their answer it's not a surprise but at least you'll know why you were rejected. The best case scenario is that you'll get accepted. But the worst they can say is no which has already happened.

Hallie wrote: "Oh well, I got rejected by City :( I'm officially crushed :("
💀 theyre idiots if they didnt accept you

Lillian wrote: "Hallie, my advice would be to ask for an appeal or at least feedback. They've already said no so if they dont change their answer it's not a surprise but at least you'll know why you were rejected...."

You're back!!! Yaay!

I did exactly what you this. My only worry was that I'd be devastated again when they reject me twice, but like you said, it's not a surprise, and I should deal with it. I've asked for feedback and based on that, I'll ask for an appeal. I doubt they'll change their decision, but it's still better than regretting not doing anything.

edge wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Oh well, I got rejected by City :( I'm officially crushed :("
💀 theyre idiots if they didnt accept you"

I know :( I'd kill it there, though. I just know I will.

No, not really, but I honestly love the course they are offering, and when I like something, I give it my everything. So even if it's not the best, I'd still do my best. And based on my current status, my best is the department's best, so...

Oh crap! My cousin got engaged. Time to start thinking of excuses to skip the wedding.

I think they decided on a date, but everyone's probably busy right now, so Mum said she would call one of her sisters tonight or tomorrow. I really hope it's in late September or October because I'm probably going to move out early September (wanna go by August, but that's a long shot). I could just say I'm too busy to travel and that I'm saving money ergo don't want to fly in just to attend a wedding and leave the same day. (My aunt suggested this when she tried to convince me to attend her son's wedding set during finals week in my first semester at uni. Yeah, did not happen.)

But if it's in the next few months, that is, before August, I can use workload at uni as an excuse. "Hey twin! Listen, I have a bunch of presentations, assignments, and exams the week of your wedding, so I'm afraid I can't attend. Happy married life, though! :) "

I think the wedding is in September. Not sure, but if I'm right, that works in my favour :)

Kuddos to Riverdale and Euphoria being implausible yet not stopping. Riverdale was fine in the first season, but eventually they stretched it way too much. Now it's ridiculous. euphoria isn't preposterous in that way, but everything that happens is so out of proportion.

My brother is officially 29. What an idiot! xD

Also, I asked a representative at City about feedback and she said that some schools may not provide feedback, but even if they do, it might take about 2-3 weeks. Their website says 10 days and an email if they are going to take long. So I suppose I may never get it :(

I also talked to a representative from Birkbeck, too, and he said that he would prompt admissions to look into my application by next week. So not looking forward to see another rejection next week :(

Although I still have Westminster, so I'll work on my scholarship application there.

:(

I'm just so tired and all of this is making me too sad and stressed.

Yesterday, I forgot to attend a class. Nope, not forgot. It didn't occur to me to attend class. I saw the notification and it just didn't occur to be me that I should join it. I realized that I fucked up about 10 minutes before it ended, texted N, who told me to join, and saw the last slide of an introduction to either criticism or critical theory. And later that afternoon, I didn't feel like listening to my non-European Literature class so I helped HR with her exam and just continued talking to her while playing freecell.

My cousin sent me pictures of her engagement party and I don't know how to react, so I'm just not opening the message for a while xD

I'm so sick of offline uni. I'm also sick of seeing my family.

I don't mind the studying part, but I just don't want to go there anymore. The commute is exhausting and I just hate the people I have to travel with (dramatic, noisy, judgemental, and whatnot). I also just hate stepping out at this point because I feel so self-conscious.

Also, I'm so dead. Like why am I still living? What is the point?

My friend has been trying to get me to enjoy life (see the happier aspects of life or something like that), and I keep thinking what's the point.

Draw a Car

I was at a cafe watching a movie with HR yesterday. All our classes were cancelled except for the last one, so we had to stay back just to attend that one. We were watching it when a guy came up, introduced himself to HR, and said, "You are very pretty. Can I have your Instagram ID?" It was sooo awkward. She said no and he respectfully walked away, so the nonsense about "all men" went out of the window.

I have no classes in the afternoon today, but I have to stay :( I have no one to hang out with either because HR didn't come today, so fuck my life.

Also, this happened earlier today. During my Industrial Psychology class, my prof decided to do an activity to help us with what we were doing. She handed out chits at random and they essentially divided the class into managers, employees, and observers. I got manager. The managers were given tasks which they should convey to the employees, but there are limitations on what words could be used. For instance, one of the tasks was to make the employee stand like the statue of liberty without using the words 'statue', 'liberty', 'US', 'torch'. The way we were trying to figure out which hand she holds the torch, lol. Please, we're not from the US.

So we were supposed to pick an employee for the task. The first person we picked was a guy - let's call him Y. Y is an asshole. Nearly three years ago, on the first day of uni, he said that all of us were inferior so he does not want to talk to us. Anyway, the task was to make him draw a car without using the words 'car', 'wheels', and something else. We told him, "Draw something that we usually drive and suitable for transporting 4 people." Y got so pissed that we picked him that he drew a wheel. Then he drew another wheel. Then another. Then another. Then another. Wait, why did he draw a fifth wheel? He drew another. Wait, what?

He drew a fucking tank.

He knew we meant a car. Everybody knew we meant a car. He deliberately drew a fucking tank.

And he spent the rest of class watching visuals of Russia attack Ukraine (by the way, Putin, please! Stop! Not that he is going to listen to me, but for crying out loud!). He is also rather interested in guns, so everyone is like, 'Um... That's scary. Imagine the most silent guy in class opening his mouth just to say, "I'm obsessed with guns." ' We don't mean to call hi a creep or anything - we're mainly just pulling his leg and probably a little bit annoyed that he can't be a team player for even 5 minutes.

When Afghanistan was occupied by the Talibans, my dad asked what "my journalism people" are saying about the whole situation there. Umm... You've misunderstood what I study? My brother straight up said, "That's not even her subject. That is not at all what she studies."

So I swear if anyone asks what I think about Russia declaring war against Ukraine in my "journalistic opinion", that's not what I do. People think that journalism is to offer opinions or commentary on current events. Op-eds, yes. In some specific sections, yes, journalists do that. But overall, our job is literally to deliver news and fact. Nothing else. The concept of media has taken a different meaning in the minds of people, and I won't say I blame them. They mostly see media being biased, so they are lead to assume that what they do wrong is the actual job.

Nonsense that I just want to get off my chest

You know what pisses me off every time? When people say "You do have friends" when I don't. I'm the loneliest person at uni. I'm always eating by myself because most of the people I don't dislike eat at the food court where outside food is banned (my mum gives me lunch everyday cause I'm a baby), and the one bitch that has the same plight as me never shows up at uni because she's fucking lazy, does not care for her degree, and only bothers asking me for notes and help during exams. She's nice but the level of her indifference towards uni usually drives me nuts because she asks for my help, but never uses them. Like one time, she had to prepare for a presentation and she asked me to help her with case studies. I spent a lot of time finding two and sent to her, and guess what - she skipped all the sessions and at the end, she just said she isn't doing it. She did the same for assignments, too. At one point, I was on a call with someone during a free hour when she asked me for information of her presentation and the guy I was talking to was willing to find it for her (he legit Googled it and began listing textbooks). I told him to drop it and he was sooo confused. "Just trying to help, Hallie." "Don't waste your time. Your help will go useless." I did give her everything she needs to do, and she never did the presentation - nor showed up to that class ever again. And everyone else has someone else more interesting to talk to, so I'm usually left behind because I don't want to fifth/sixth/seventh wheel them like I did in high school. So yeah, I hate the term 'friends' when refer to people. They're all good people and I don't blame them, but I just don't feel like calling them 'friends'. It's complicated, and they're as awesome as best friends cause they're helpful and supportive. Just probably... I don't know.

Also, how do I get people to stop commenting on my weight? Like please shut up :)

Sorry about these random posts. I'm super bored at uni and I have no one to even sit with, and I can't go home yet. I'm literally staring at the grass.

Wow! Now my engaged cousin's elder brother is getting engaged :/ Now I have to come up with excuses for two weddings in September. Fuck my life -_-

What's with my cousins getting engaged at the same time? Seems really rushed.

Ugh whatever.

It's like my cousin thought, 'My little sister got engaged, so might as well get engaged myself. We could have our weddings one after the other."

My brother and I could never xD We'd just walk around alone in life and support each other by roasting anyone that asks why our parents don't have grandkids.

Hallie wrote: "It's like my cousin thought, 'My little sister got engaged, so might as well get engaged myself. We could have our weddings one after the other.""

Although kinda wish my other cousins had done this. I had to go to separate ones since everyone decided I could afford skipping a day at school till GCSE.

I've got to tell my mum to subtly hint to them that I'm not attending. Last time, she deliberately kept back that information from my other cousins and that caused a great deal of problems. They bought a gown that I've never seen, or worn, or never will wear when I was pretty sure I couldn't attend the wedding.

The highlight of today was me nearly crying thanks to paranoia.

I still have to take a screening test for anxiety later (part of my syllabus), so that's going to be fun.

Anyway, N is back in the country, so I might get a tattoo. I had an idea, but now I think I should change it to something else.

But I don't know what.

I got any email from City with 'Hope you found our response helpful'. Except I didn't get a response :/ I don't know what to do? Should I email them again? Should I wait? Should I give up on life? I can't breathe.

I really cannot breathe.

I wrote about 5 pages of something for my professor and I have no idea what I'm writing it for. I think I'm supposed to write 10, but I can't find any more new information.

RIP

I have fucking weird classmates. However, I also do have cigarettes from Dubai stashed in my bag at the moment, so no complaints.

For some strange reason, people think I've gotten skinnier. N came back yesterday, and she blurted out, "Did you get even more thin? I'm giving you food everyday." Another girl also pointed it out. It's strange.

Today was absolutely bizarre. I've not been doing that great for the past month or so, and I guess it really showed today. It's that time of the month for D and since yesterday, I've been hearing, "Hallie, I'm tired." I get that and I also probably sound like a bitch for saying this, but I'm tired of hearing how tired she is. I feel bad because she should be able to express how she feels without worrying about me judging, but meanwhile, I've been having panic attacks literally everyday for 2? 3? weeks and it just tells me that I need to get my shit together.

N came in later and only sat beside me during our Industrial Psychology class. After a while, she kept asking, "Why are you so sad and grumpy?" And D agreed. Then they started bullying me to tell them what's wrong. Well, not bullying, but it was just persistent. Finally, when the professor left, N legit stood up and began to yell stuff about me being sad and grumpy to a bunch of random classmates (who were genuinely confused and um, concerned), and proceeded to question why. It was embarrassing. One girl even came up to me later to ask if I was okay.

After lunch, we were supposed to have a class, but the prof didn't show up. I was watching a Netflix show in class with earphones in, so I didn't pay attention to anything around. I didn't want to, honestly. Then N walked in and another girl legit slammed the desk to get my attention. N said, "I screamed your name 10 times, you depressed piece of shit." Now the entire class thinks I'm depressed. We're legit Psychology majors learning about clinical depression, guys. DSM - 5. Diagnostic criteria.

All of this was with good intentions, though. They were mostly just playing around, and N constantly tried to feed me along with make plans with everyone else to kidnap me and go on a trip somewhere. RIP me.

Hallie wrote: "RIP

I have fucking weird classmates. However, I also do have cigarettes from Dubai stashed in my bag at the moment, so no complaints.

For some strange reason, people think I've gotten skinnier. N..."

So at the beginning of this class, before the prof came, one of my classmates asked why N and D did that yesterday. And if I was okay with it, and that she didn't feel good about the way it went. She said that she felt they should have just left me alone with my book.

I guess, yeah. I really haven't been feeling great lately.

I mean, I'm physically and mentally so exhausted but I still refuse to sleep at an acceptable time. I end up getting about 4 hours of sleep and just do stuff.

And everyone and everything is pissing me off.

SF has been pissing me off with her indolence for the past three or so semesters. And she continues to piss me off. The girl legit asked me to search if there were any cyber activism movements on hate speech. She posted the topic hate speech. She asked me if her topic was okay. I said she might need to be a bit more specific and asked if she knew the name of any movement. She said "idk can u search for me if u r free." And now I'm stuck carrying her notebook around in my backpack till maybe Monday.