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The big three for getting a reader's attention are title, cover and blurb (or book description).

This thread is for getting feedback about about your book blurb.

Since my inquiry inspired this thread, I'll start. I have a semi-picaresque fantasy adventure almost ready to go to print, but I need to get a good blurb together. I have a draft of one, but I'm looking for feedback on how to make it catchier/more effective.

Here is what I have now:

Explorer, Swashbuckler, Merchant, Adventurer, Bastard - Dug FitzHelen has been called many things by many people. All are true in their own way, but everyone else has gotten the story wrong. When he embarked on a voyage to the edge of the known world, it was only to trade and come back.

But there was another port to trade at just a little further on; and more lands to explore; and more pirates to fight beyond that. There was no one there to remind him of his illegitimate birth. Before he knew it, Dug sparked a revolution, awoke a monter of the deep, and made friends and enemies of peoples he'd never known existed.

Living by his skill, his silver, and his steel, he turned the prow of his ship into the rising sun and sailed into the unknown seas Beyond the Edge of the Map.

It’s an interesting premise, but there’s too much detail here. I think it’s a problem we all have writing blurbs for our books, that we know the story inside out, so we add too much information.

Although I’m not a fan of writing to a formula, I use this as a starting point to write a blurb.

1. An external statement. Essentially a world, scene and genre description.
2. An internal statement. Introduce the protagonist and how they fit into the world.
3. A description of the conflict that is about to ensue.

The blurb only serves to make someone read the first page. Less is definitely more. Challenge yourself to write it in three concise sentences. Chop all unnecessary words so the sentences are snappy. Then let’s see what you have.

Robert, I have to agree with Michael. Your blurb is too much. By the time I've read the blurb, I don't need to read the book.

Here's what James Scott Bell (successful lawyer, novelist, and writing instructor) has to say about how to create blurbs:

Three Sentences

Sentence #1 � Character name, vocation, initial situation

Dorothy Gale is a farm girl who dreams of getting out of Kansas to a land far, far away, where she and her dog will be safe from the town busybody Miss Gulch.

Sentence #2 � “When� + Doorway of No Return

Note: The Doorway of No Return is my term for the initial turning point that thrusts the Lead into Act II. I describe it in detail in Super Structure.

When a twister hits the farm, Dorothy is carried away to a land of strange creatures and a wicked witch who wants to kill her.

Sentence #3 � “Now� + The Death Stakes

Note: Death can be physical, professional, or psychological

Now, with the help of three unlikely friends, Dorothy must find a way to destroy the wicked witch so the great wizard will send her back home.

Think of your blurb as 'setting up' your story and not as telling your story. It's a hook, a promise, a suggestion that survival may not be possible, that the problem can't be solved. And if you've salted in some mystery or nice twists, be very careful you don't give them away in the blurb.

The story is the wanderings of a merchant adventurer. His only goal is to make money and prove he can manage on his own. This blurb is particularly elusive for the same reason I chose the term "semi-picaresque" to describe the novel. The main attraction of the story is the subplots. But they lay a bit like shingles. By the time Dug's angered the pirate admiral by stealing one of his ships, the earlier adventures on land have all wrapped up.

So what if you structured it a bit like "After (short bit of backstory), Dug is out to (win fortune and prove himself worthy--but in pirate language). But when one of his heists goes wrong, and the pirate admiral (whatever he does), Dug (stakes.) Now..." ?

I haven't read the book, so take this with a grain off salt (or maybe the whole shaker). The base structure of the blurb would look something like this:

Dug, determined to live his life as a wandering trader and adventurer, just wants to prove to everyone that he can make it on his on. When he steals a starship from a pirate admiral, he must abandon everyone he knows and run for his life. Now he's alone in the galaxy with relentless enemies thursting for his blood.

That needs a lot more work. It isn't nearly intriguing enough.

Are they really subplots, or are they actually necessary steps along Dug's journey to getting his own ship and establishing himself as a successful trader? You'll want to be clear with readers about what the book represents. Is it a novel with an overarching plot that has a beginning, middle, and end, or is it a serial presentation of Dug's adventures, more akin to a series of short stories? When you say 'semi-picaresque', you make it sound more like a serial.

K.S. wrote: "Is it a novel with an overarching plot that has a beginning, middle, and end, or is it a serial presentation of Dug's adventures, more akin to a series of short stories? When you say 'semi-picaresque', you make it sound more like a serial. "

It's more of a serial. The events are sequential, and pick up from where the characters where when the last one wrapped up, but there's no connection between him battling Frost giants in a barn to him getting ensnared by the high priestess of an elven theocracy, beyond his shifting posessions and companions - ie, he gets the sword he carries for the rest of the book in the first encounter, and picks up some permanant crew members after the second.

There's nothing wrong with that kind of book, but you'll want to thread something in about it being serial in nature so you correctly set reader expectations. That can be done by starting a sentence somewhere with, "In this series of adventures, ..." You'll also want to modify the James Scott Bell blurb structure because you don't have a single doorway of no return but hopefully one of those in each story. You also don't have a single final conflict where Dug faces death, but you very much need to communicate that every adventure has high stakes for Dug, or else the adventures may sound dull. And because it's a series of adventures, you'll still want to have Dug pursuing an overarching life goal that is reflected in each adventure. An example of that would a series of detective novels in which the detective's goal is always to catch the bad guy. You'll want to mention what drives Dug. Whatever it is needs to be something that readers can relate to so they feel an immediate connection to Dug and buy the book. For example, wanting to be a rich trader is pretty shallow. Wanting to prove his self-worth will gain more reader empathy. You have limited words in a blurb. Choose wisely for maximum impact.

All right, lets see how Draft 2 looks.

As the illegitimate nephew of a prince, Dug FitzHelen could have lived an easy life on his uncle's estates. Indolence proved unappealing, and Dug knew he needed to prove he could make it on his own, to himself at least.

With a squad of sellswords and a neurotic interpretor in tow, he sets out for the end of the known world. Living by his skill, his silver, and his steel, he finds adventures, new friends and foes among peoples he never knew existed, and must face battle and catastrophe in the lands and seas Beyond the Edge of the Map.

*Note - The title of the book is "Beyond the Edge of the Map", which is why I keep capitalizing that phrase.

My take would be (maybe you'll find it helpful, maybe not):

As the illegitimate nephew of a prince, Dug FitzHelen could have lived an easy life on his uncle's estates. But Dug spat out his silver spoon and set off to prove he could make it on his own.

With a squad of sellswords and stolen starship he sails Beyond the Edge of the Map, and dares the universe to prove him unworthy.

I'm getting the vibe that this board wants me to convert the book to a science fiction setting...

More seriously, as with any feedback, I'll have to ruminate on it for a bit.

Ah, ha, ha, Robert! None of us have read your book. We're doing the best we can, but you will definitely need to tweak our advice to fit your story. My goal is to give you typical structural examples of what successful blurbs tend to include, hence JSB's blurb for The Wizard of OZ as his exemplar.

Anyway, you've made a huge change in your second draft, and I would say you are absolutely on the right path. I love how you incorporated the title as part of the blurb. Very clever!

Robert wrote: "I'm getting the vibe that this board wants me to convert the book to a science fiction setting...

More seriously, as with any feedback, I'll have to ruminate on it for a bit."

Harck! Aargh - sorry, mate! Knew I'd seen something about a starship in the thread, but turns out it was Kathy's notion! :D

K.S. Said "None of us have read your book."

Well, once it goes on the market mid-junish, I'll be looking to rview someone's book around here. After that maybe someone will.

I definately need to clean up the last sentence in draft 2, it's way too long. Overlong sentences are bad enough in the text, in the blurb, it looks worse.

At this stage, I think we could shorten it to:

Pirates in starships! How cool is that?

Seriously though. The blurb is on track now. I'm now intrigued by the book.

I'm stepping up to the plate. I have a novella that will be ready to go when I can find enough time to get it finished. It's a tricky story - very focused on one character, so much of the conflict is internal.

Here's what I have for the blurb. Looking for some help to get it into shape.

Ernest Wright is a young man who struggles to fit in with the rest of society. After the sudden death of his only remaining family member, he finds himself alone, his comfortable, safe existence turned upside-down. However, Ernest also believes The Universe has sent him a message of hope and he embarks on a voyage that literally changes the face of the planet.

I'm not getting a sense of the story based on the blurb. I'm not making a connection to Ernest. The second sentence seems over long. I hit a speed bump in the third sentence when you said, "Ernest also believes..." For there to be an "also believes" there needs to first be a "believes."

How does his being suddenly alone relate to his belief in a message of hope? Did the ghost of his dead relative visit him to deliver a message? Did he win the lottery and can now make some planet-changing dream come true? I need to see how the hope follows from the death for it to make sense or else I'm making wild guesses that are probably pretty silly. :) But I'm very glad to see you're about to launch something new. Hooray! I look forward to reading it.

I think that the anonymity of 'only remaining family member' distances the reader from engaging with Ernest. As the blurb reads, this seems to be an event that takes place early on. If that's the case, what's wrong with revealing the relationship in the blurb, and saying something like, 'the death of his brother leaves Ernest alone in the world'?
I also agree with Kathy's comments above. On the positive side, it's a nice length for a blurb, readable in a few seconds.

Thanks folks. Good feedback. I'll have another go at it :)

The story is called Gone Wonder Land. I've had another go at it. Not happy that sentences two and three start with 'after,' so rewording is still required. Hopefully this is getting closer...

Ernest Wright is a young man who struggles to fit in with the rest of society. After the sudden death of his Uncle, who raised him from an orphan, he finds himself a family of one. After the funeral, Ernest is convinced The Universe has sent him a message about what he must now do with his life. This is the story of how one man, a voyage and a lot of rubbish literally changes the face of the planet.

I love the last sentence. I also love Ernest's belief that The Universe--I like the caps too--has sent him a message. I kind of prefer him believing rather than being convinced. But my primary suggestion would be to cut the first sentence. It doesn't hook me because it doesn't say anything unusual. How many protagonists do fit into society? You could start with the second sentence--adding Ernest's name to it--and instead of "After the funeral," start the next sentence "But he believes..." I am definitely intrigued by the message, wondering if the Universe really sent it or not, and I look forward to the the voyage, rubbish, and changes to the "face of the planet!"

Thanks Winnie. It's definitely on track now.

Ernest Wright finds himself a family of one after the sudden death of his uncle, who raised him from an orphan. But he believes The Universe has sent him a message about what he must now do with his life. This is the story of how one man, a voyage and a lot of rubbish literally changes the face of the planet.

How about:

Orphaned as a child, Ernest Wright finds himself alone once more after the sudden death of the uncle who raised him. But he believes The Universe has sent him a message as to what he must now do with his life. This is the story of how one man, a voyage and a lot of rubbish changes the face of the planet.

I think starting with his orphan status generates sympathy. Also, I'd cut 'literally' out of the last sentence because it diminishes the impact of the statement. At least for me.

Intriguing concept. I'd like to read it. Let us know when it's published.

Yes, I like it. Thank you everyone. Been most helpful. I'm going to vet blurbs here every time!

Much improved blurb, Mike! I like that!

As this is a thread mainly about writing blurbs, I thought I'd post a link to this short blog post about what a blurb should contain. I'm not sure I absolutely agree with all the advice, but it's an interesting take. I was especially interested to see that two of the 'good' examples were in first person, as if the character is speaking. I had the impression that you shouldn't do that. I'd be interested to hear what others think. The blog is posted on a site that offers book promotions and advertising. I've used their services and felt I got what I paid for. Here's the location of the post:

Very interesting article. My two take outs from it are:

1. We can not write a blurb alone. I wrote a rant about this and then deleted it. Basically, it ran along the lines that self-publishing is a misnomer. I can see David Rose face-palming and saying, “No, Mike. Please, not again...�

I certainly wouldn’t have � what I feel � is a much better blurb for my story without the feedback I was given here. I was motivated to buy Robert’s book after his blurb was refined. It’s a fun book too. I think the blurb sells it well. Be good to get some feedback from Robert about if he thinks we managed to help.

2. Blurbs need to change over time.

Gad, I preach this to clients for work � but do we take our own advice? *face-palm* If your book ain’t selling and it should, let’s figure out why. Seems to me that we have the right forum for it here.

Oh, it definately helped refine the blurb, and the final version was better.

I can't say how much it help sales, because the overall pattern appears to be each book sells fewer copies than the last. But that trend started well before the latest book.

Robert, you mention that each book sells fewer copies than the last. Would you mind sharing what you do for promotion as you launch a new book? Do you arrange to have reviews drop on launch day, or during launch week? If so, how many? Have all the books been at the same price point? Do you use social media or paid advertising for the launches or afterward? With millions of books available now, I'm curious about how authors get a foothold with readers.

There are lots of resources we can share to help with publishing. I've started another thread in this folder about it.

I have another blurb to refine. This is for the Not quite complete "Prince of the North Tower"

Kord Grosz von Karststadt-Salzheim is not prince charming, nor does he want to be. Raised as the ward of the Graf of Ritterblume, he was well trained in the arts of war. His interest, however, lay in the arts of magic. As his land falls under attack from without, duty compels him to pick up a sword when the only thing he desires is to pick up a book. Needing allies to retake the lands already lost to the invaders, he sets out to find those who would fight alongside him. He finds himself fighting the impulse to set aside his blade and become lost in the study of the arcane as much as he must fight those who would see him dead. Coming to the aid of the Prince of the North Tower is not high on priorities of those buried in the political machinations of the South, and Kord must convince others to aid him in a task he himself would rather set aside.

Same feedback as before about length. Kord's name is a real mouthful to open the blurb too. Could you call him Prince Kord? The one line that really piques my interest is that he's more interested in magic as a vocation. Is this a point of conflict? I.e. is magic frowned upon, or forbidden etc. I'm not getting a sense if the death stakes either. It reads like the Prince of the north tower is the guy in trouble.

Michael wrote: "I'm not getting a sense if the death stakes either. It reads like the Prince of the north tower is the guy in trouble"

So it's unclear that Kord is the Prince of the North Tower.

Is this a point of conflict? I.e. is magic frowned upon, or forbidden etc

It's supposed to go towards a theme of interest versus responsibility. But, it's more nitpicky than that - A: It's illegal to be both a wizard and lord of a territory in the Empire. B: Kord is really bad at it.

You tell us four times in this blurb that Kord would rather study than fight:

1) "He was well trained in the arts of war. His interest, however, lay in the arts of magic."

2) "duty compels him to pick up a sword when the only thing he desires to pick up is a book."

3) "He finds himself fighting the impulse to set aside his blade and become lost in the study of the arcane..."

4) "...aid him in a task he himself would rather set aside."

Reading this blurb would make me wonder if the author thought I was dense. #2 is strong and it (or some variation) would work well on its own.

I thought you were really on a roll where you said Kord was a student of MAGIC... I was like ooo... this is getting good! But then that got dropped for some topics that may not be as much of a hook (reading, studying, not liking to fight, political machinations.)

I'd totally go back to the magic and punch this up!

Is this a point of conflict? I.e. is magic frowned upon, or forbidden etc

It's supposed to go towards a theme of interest versus responsibility. But, it's more nitpicky than that - A: It's illegal to be both a wizard and lord of a territory in the Empire. B: Kord is really bad at it

Forbidden magic? Even better.

Robert wrote: " A: It's illegal to be both a wizard and lord of a territory in the Empire. B: Kord is really bad at it..."

Now I'm interested. Two very juicy conflicts right there.

And no, I didn't connect that Kord was the Prince of the North Tower. Blurbs need to be succinct. We don't know the story yet.

Just as an exercise in paring down the information, I sometimes start by writing my blurb as a blockbuster movie trailer read by the guy with the melodramatic, deep, gravelly voice...

He was the Prince of the North Tower, driven to unlock the secrets of the arcane. But the price of learning magic means more than losing his title, he stands to lose his entire realm...

And so forth... y'know, get straight to the bits that are going to excite an audience...

Kat wrote: "Forbidden magic? Even better."

It's far more prosaic than that. Because so long as you're not in particular offices (Graf von X, etc) it's perfectly fine to learn. The rule is a political one for political reasons.

I'm still ruminating on the rest of the feedback, so I don't have a new draft blurb as yet.

In reading your blurb, I found myself wondering why he is having such difficulties finding help to fight the invading forces.

Also, his desire to study rather protect his people makes him less appealing rather than more. At least for me. Is he abrasive? Known as a coward? Shy and retiring? I almost get an Aspergers vibe which is actually pretty cool and might compel me to read.

Just some very random thoughts

Kathleen wrote: "In reading your blurb, I found myself wondering why he is having such difficulties finding help to fight the invading forces.

Also, his desire to study rather protect his people makes him less appealing rather than more. At least for me. Is he abrasive? Known as a coward? Shy and retiring? I almost get an Aspergers vibe which is actually pretty cool and might compel me to read."

There are a couple of different things, so I'll have to address them separately.

The traditional allies who might come to his aid are already committed to another war elsewhere (and one of them gets occupied by a foreign power during the book) that he eventually ends up aiding that war first to help free up armies to aid him.

His upbringing was a bit insular. He more or less focused on the academic topics that interested him to the point of thinking the title he was heir to wasn't even substantive. At one point his foster brother literally hits him upside the head and asks why he can only remember events that happened over two hundred years ago.

The problems facing the territory he stands to inherit when declared of age don't look as bad at the beginning of the book, and it's only after later information reaches him that he realizes A: this is serious, and B: it's his responsibility to sort out.

Thanks for the extra info, Robert. I'm afraid I'm still not seeing the conflict or perhaps the stakes don't feel high enough. Kord's desire is to study magic, and in his kingdom (or all kingdoms?), that's illegal for someone in his position, so he could be chucked out as ruler (and it sounds like he'd like that). His duty is to gather allies and repel the invaders. If he tries to both be a leader and study magic, the consequences are...?

I don't get a sense that he's irreplaceable to his kingdom. He's paid it not the slightest attention to this point. Why is his leadership critical now? Can no other general lead the troops into battle? I'd be more likely to believe that the allies won't negotiate with underlings, and therefore Kord is indispensable in those efforts, but surely if all he has to do is chat up the allies, he could study magic in his off hours?

In a blurb, I would want to know that there's this conflict between duty and desire, the consequences of doing each, and that if he tries to juggle them both, he faces death. If he ditches his duty, the invaders will overrun the kingdom and the result will be horrific because these invaders are very, very bad people. But if he doesn't train in magic now and waits until later, he'll be too old (or something) and will never master the subject. If he does both things and is discovered, he'll be executed. Those are the kinds of dire consequences and outcomes that will pique reader interest. I realize these may not be the consequences in your work. I use these as examples of ramping up and clarifying the tension. Hope you find this helpful. It sounds like you have a complex story to tell.

Speaking of blurbs, how about this one (or maybe it's more of a pitch):

It's a dirty story of a dirty man, and his clinging wife doesn't understand. His son is working for the Daily Mail--it's a steady job, but he wants to be a paperback writer.

I'd require more clarity to be interested. What is it the clinging wife doesn't understand? In the second sentence, who wants to be the paperback writer, the man or his son? Even as a pitch, there needs to be clearly defined conflict and some sense of the stakes. If the son wants to be the paperback writer, what's stopping him? Many journalists have become successful fiction authors. If it's the dirty man who wants to write, why do I care where his son works or that his wife is clingy--unless he intends to bump her off to free up his time. ;)

This is something that's been stuck in my brain for half a century. And yes, I am that old. I think it has potential. What do you think?

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed,
And then one day he was shootin at some food,
And up through the ground come a bubblin crude.

Oil that is, black gold, Texas tea.

Well the first thing you know ol Jed's a millionaire,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from there"
Said "Californy is the place you ought to be"
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly

Hills, that is. Swimmin pools, movie stars.

I see it as a tragedy. The corrupting influence easy money has on the unsophisticated. Heartbreaking, really.

Yep, it does have tragic potential. I have seriously considered writing a novel based on the "Sloop John B", which (as you probably recall) starts out:

We come on the Sloop John B
My grandfather and me
Around Nassau town we did roam
Drinking all night
Got into a fight

That's a great chapter 1, right there. Then Sheriff John Stone shows up (great name or what?) What's his agenda? What kind of mess has the narrator gotten himself into?

It's all Grandpa's fault. What's he doing hauling a kid on a boat like that and getting him drunk and into fights? All the poor kid wants to do after that is go home. Can't blame him, but it does get rather monotonous. Makes me want to turn my head and say in my worst irritated Mom voice: Don't make me turn this boat around!

Sorry for the long delay in a new blurb draft. I just kept drawing blanks. Here's the new iteration:

Prince Kord preferred the book to the blade, but studied both diligently. When what looked like a minor incursion of goblins into his family's lands turned out to be more serious, he was sent to fetch aid. Frustrated playing messenger, Kord is tempted by the opportunity to leave his obligations behind and study magic. When his uncle and foster father are caught in a trap, Kord needs an army to rescue them - only everyone else is busy fighting their own wars.

Edit - fixed spelling error.

Wow, Robert, I like that! I have a very clear idea of what the story is about and what the stakes are. Kord no longer seems like a self-indulgent juvenile, but someone bent on helping others.

I would look for a way to avoid starting two of your sentences with "When..." James Scott Bell suggests using "Now..." for that final sentence. That doesn't exactly work for your final sentence as it is currently written.

I would also cut "by the opportunity" to make it more succinct. Great work!

Hi all! I could use some advice.

After reading a few reviews (YOUR reviews) of my book (Wake of the Sadico), I hired a new editor. The editing is done, and the new proof reading should be done in a day or two. It's not a big change - but the transitions were smoothed and I like it much better.

Currently the book has 24 reviews on Amazon, 4.0 rating, and a 4.17 rating on Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ. Should I just put the changes out there without comment?

That's a tough one, Jo. I guess I'd say you'd found ways to make it better because you wanted to improve the story, rather than saying your review group prompted changes. Who were the bullies? I'll ban them LOL.

I wouldn't comment on the changes. If I saw a comment that was basically "It wasn't great before, but I think it is now," I probably would not buy the book. This is not a judgement on what you did--you probably did the right thing--but for marketing purposes, I think the author has to radiate absolute certainty that this is the greatest book ever written.