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As you know,I'm trying to organize our little house,and so Jennifer Sommersby had a terrific idea to add folders from old posts that had a topic of discussion. I can't figure out how to move individual comments to new topics/folders, so until I do I'll be copying and pasting.
Here's the original post that got the discussion about show don't tell started:
All righty,

I've had quite a few people request that I read their WIP's this summer. I've loved the fact that they trust me with their work, and I've tried to offer as much as I can to make the work stronger. I'm certainly no expert, and I know we have others on here that can write circles around me, but in the interest of starting the thread I thought I'd point out a few key issues that keep cropping up.

First issue: you can't just state how other people feel. It pulls the reader out of the story.

Ex. He was angry.

Now granted, I'm making a blanket statement here, and honestly if you said these exact words it wouldn't be that bad, but for the sake of example I thought I'd go with an easy one.

Instead of "He was angry", it reads much stronger if "anger marred his face". We now have a visual cue in our mind's eye. If you don't want to go with that one, there's always his fist clenched, his jaw tightened, his brow lowered, maybe he slams something down...all of these are actions that I can physically see that through the eyes of the character that proves the other guy's pissed.

Second issue: You can't just state what's going on. Some writing workshops call this "the police report". We're all guilty of it, especially in first drafts, but it has to be rooted out more aggressively than cliche`s.

Ex. The car stopped and I tried to get out.

Again, over simplistic example, but hey, I'm trying. :-)

The tires screeched across the pavement as the car jolted to a stop. I ripped the keys from the ignition, my hands still shaking, and I fumbled for the handle.

"Oh no you don't," he growled as he pulled me back.

Not the best in the west, I'll admit, but my point here is that first person is all about the senses. Remember, the reader is looking through the eyes of your hero/heroine. They want to be submersed in the story line, and the senses help do just that. In this example we hear the screeching, we sense her urgency, her shaking, we hear his growl. If we continued the scene, maybe the gritty smell of alcohol brushes her cheek as he draws near, or the cold wind stings her face... I could go on for days, but I'm weird that way.

For my grammar friends, remember this is a thread that deals with the art, not the nuts and bolts, and I'm writing on the fly trying to get back to work so I haven't let this steep, I haven't gone back with a fine tooth comb, and so if my wayward comma's are a detraction please forgive me!

Now I'd love it if someone would post about cliche`s, what they are and how to avoid them like the plague! (I'm sure we could find a few in the examples above :-)

Hope this gets the ball rolling!
Elizabeth

So, is it mostly emotions? Or is that just one place to look for?
Because I had a deep edit from a writer friend/publisher and she pointed out a few places in the first few chapters, but I'm kinda lost at how to comb through the rest

I think emotions are just one place to look.

I free write everyday (to warm up the ole noggin),and one of my favorite exercises is this: stop what you're doing and write down what is going on in your home. The catch is,you are not allowed to "tell". I'm by no means an expert, but I am getting better. In the interest of showing you what I mean, I'll give it a whirl.

The sound of the TV bled through the door as tried to concentrate on typing. Brandi, my good friend, asked for help, but I wasn't sure I was making any sense.

"Charlie!"

Kate's frustration rose over the TV as the pup playfully barked. I stopped typing,looked to the ceiling, and sighed.

What on earth could be wrong now?

Now please take into account that I am not editing, not going back and revising, this is just raw words, so please don't think too badly of me :-)

Here's the telling counterpart:

I sat at the computer typing on a Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ thread to my friend Brandi. She had asked for help, but I wasn't sure I was making sense.

Suddenly, from the other room, Kate, my daughter, shouted at the dog, and he playfully barked back. I sighed.

What on earth could be wrong now?

In the first one, we hear the TV muffled in the background, Kate's voice rise over the TV in frustration. In the second, we are just told. The reader never gets the chance to become involved in the scene. They're just stuck, reading me telling them what's going on.

The thing is, I think writers sometimes mix up perspective. If you are writing first person, everything has to be through the eyes of the protag. The reader is the character, and so sensory has to come into play. What they feel, smell, taste, touch, hear ... all of it has to be there. That's my take on it, anyway.

That does help, I just need to try to read from a reader's perspective, because it's all so real and each scene brings memories to me.

The other thing you can do it take a snippet of a scene that is in doubt and try to tell it. You'll soon find out if it's already there :-)

And I hear ya! I don't know of one writer that doesn't struggle with this. My first drafts are completely riddled with telling scenes, and so I have to go back and take them paragraph by paragraph and show what I meant in the first place. Remind me to show you the first draft of the battle scene by the portal sometime. :-D

I will say this and then I'll shut up. I do think there are times when telling is perfectly appropriate and drives the story along. The trick is knowing when to show, when to tell, and understanding the difference between the two.

So-- I have feedback to show here: But I feel like I am showing after the first general sentence. Does it do better without the first sentence or am I still not quite getting it?


"I know that my depression isn’t helping anything, but I can’t shake it."

This is what comes after:

I’ve been keeping up with chores, and driving Lucy to basketball-making anything that I can at least a bit better. The numbness is taking over my life, keeping me from reaching out to my sister or having a meaningful conversation with my mom. I want to be in control, not feel like the walking dead. Though I have no idea how to break through and make a chance.

Brandi wrote: "So-- I have feedback to show here: But I feel like I am showing after the first general sentence. Does it do better without the first sentence or am I still not quite getting it?

Hey Brandi ~ Here's my take: The what comes after is all telling. You're telling me the character is keeping up with chores and driving Lucy to basketball. You're telling me about the numbness and the inability to reach out.

Now, this won't be great shakes, but here are some methods to bring it from telling to showing.

I glanced around the house before grabbing the keys to drive Lucy to basketball to make sure nothing was out of place. (This implies since nothing was out of place that the chores are being kept up)

For the lack of conversation with the mom & sister, suggest having her see the phone, realize she needed to call, but not be able to summon the effort to pick the receiver up.

For the numbness (I really did like your line), maybe describe how the character feels about everything going on around them and yet feeling like it doesn't touch her (I'm guessing her here) and then follow with The numbness is taking over my life.

I hope that helps.

That does help some... but she's in the car with her mom and sister on the way to the college and things are really tense...

I tried to add in more concrete detail- is this any better? Or still not there?


The drive, even though it was only two hours from the house, feels like it takes forever. Lucy usually our social leader, keeping conversation going, but today she stares out of car window. I know that the hours I spend in my room by myself isn’t helping put my family back together, but it feels like it will take more energy than I have to get out of bed. If I could just smile more, or figure out something to say, it may not make our family what it used to be, but anything has to be better than this silence so thick I shouldn’t be able to see the front seat of the car.
The numbness takes over my life, keeping me from reaching out to my sister or having a meaningful conversation with my mom. If I’m not in my room, I feel like I’m a glass bubble—their emotions and conversations just don’t touch me. I want to be in control, not feel like the walking dead. Though I have no idea how to break through and make a change.

Brandi wrote: "I tried to add in more concrete detail- is this any better? Or still n..."

This is better, but I don't think it's quite there yet. One of the issues is the mixed tenses threw me a bit and caused the passage not to flow for me.

I really like the part that starts If I could just smile more...

One other part that made me stumble a bit was ...silence so thick I shouldn't be able to see... because silence is associated with hearing. I know what you're tyring to say, but feel like it didn't quite come off.

And a nit-picky If I'm not in my room... would flow better as When I'm not in my room...

Now to go back to the beginning part. The two-hour drive instead of the wordy clause. But even with the rewording, it is still telling. What makes the drive feel like it is taking forever. Does she see things she thinks they should have passed already? When a milestone is reached, does she check her watch and see that only a few minutes have lapsed since the last time she checked it (or cell phone, or ipod or whatever time keeping device fits).

While you may be able to get away with the telling of the two-hour drive, the telling in the sentence about Lucy I think needs to be addressed. Lucy usually our social leader, keeping conversation going, but today she stares out of car window. Might be changed to something like: Lucy stares out the window. What's up with her? Usually she chatters non-stop, fulfilling her role as the family social leader, but not today. Or however you want to bring out the feelings of the MC toward her sister.

The next sentence just needs a little tweaking. One thing I have found in going through my revisions is that when I'm in the characters thoughts, I need to aggressively watch for phrases like I think/thought and I know/knew because people say I know & I think, but if you're already in the character's thoughts those words are extraneous.

Hope my comments help. LK

LK, I have to say I'm loving the comments! Thanks so much for joining in. I'd hoped that this is what this thread would be, and I so agree with everything you've just said.

Thanks again!
Chi

Thank you- great suggestions, this is really what I need!

Thanks for the comment about the tenses. I switched bad enough before I started writing When I Wake- which is actually in past tense, and now when I edit, I'm worse than ever.

So--how's this? Again, thank you for your suggestions!


The drive is two hours, but I feel like every time I look at the clock it’s only moved minutes where it should be fifteen minutes or a half an hour. Lucy just stares out the window. I have no clue what’s up with her today. She usually chatters away and is our social leader. I try to think of something to say but everything sounds empty, fake. So I just sigh and check the clock again. Only two minutes this time.

The hours I spend in my room by myself isn’t helping put my family back together, but it feels like it will take more energy than I have to get out of bed. If I could just smile more, or figure out something to say, it may not make our family what it used to be, but anything has to be better than this silence. The numbness takes over my life, keeping me from reaching out to my sister or having a meaningful conversation with my mom. When I’m not in my room, I feel like I’m a glass bubble—their emotions and conversations just don’t touch me. I want to be in control, not feel like the walking dead. Though I have no idea how to break through and make a change.

Brandi wrote: "Thanks for the comment about the tenses. I switched bad enough before I started writing When I Wake- which is actually in past tense, and now when I edit, I'm worse than ever.

This is much better. This is definitely showing me how long the drive is taking for your character vs. telling me it felt like it was taking forever before.

Only three little things to think about: where is the clock she's looking at? Since you say clock, I get the impression that she's not using a watch. And if it is the clock in the front seat, then I'd expect some craning of the neck to see it (unless she's sitting in the middle).

I'd like a little bit of how she feels about Lucy being the social leader. Don't tell me, but color the words so I get the sense. This type of thing is very subtle, but can make a huge difference. Does she like it because that lets her off the hook? Or is she annoyed by the usual constant chatter?

And this may be covered in the subsequent paragraphs, but in the last sentence I wanted to feel her frustration at not knowing how to break through. She doesn't like her silence, she wants to be able to carry on conversations, not knowing HOW to change is frustrating. Let us as the reader feel it.

Elizabeth wrote: "LK, I have to say I'm loving the comments! Thanks so much for joining in. I'd hoped that this is what this thread would be, and I so agree with everything you've just said.

Thanks again!
Chi"

This is one of the areas close to my writing heart. And trust me, my first drafts are riddled with telling & I go back through with a hatchet & hack it out. And even then, I'll skimp some places, but I have excellent partners who nail me on it every time. So I go back, swearing under my breath the whole time, but fix it because it really is MUCH better & much stronger writing when I do.

Thanks- those are great points as well!

OKay-- hope that you guys don't mind, but I had another example I wasn't quite sure to do with- this is original:
I’m glad for Mom’s assurance, because I enjoy my time with Kaden, but I also want a healthy relationship. Between my books and my parents, I have a good idea what I want in a relationship. I admit, I’m already in pretty deep with Kaden, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll sacrifice what I want. Luckily, Mom’s explanation makes a lot of sense and it doesn’t sound like I have to compromise on either one.

This is how I revised:

All the tension melts and I feel lighter. Mom’s words make a lot of sense—everyone gets angry. It doesn’t have to mean something deeper� I know that I’ve been angry too, often without reason. It surprised me though, that the gentle Kaden who always had an ear to listen to me could yell like that. I turn on the radio and we sing for the rest of the drive.

Soooooooo much better!

Brandi wrote: "OKay-- hope that you guys don't mind, but I had another example I wasn't quite sure to do with- this is original:
I’m glad for Mom’s assurance, because I enjoy my time with Kaden, but I also want a..."

Excellent job with the revision. Much improved over the original. You do have a bit of telling still in there. ...that the gentle Kaden who always had an ear to listen to me could yell like that. I'm going to presume that we already saw him yelling because this is reflecting on what happened. Do we also previously see him listening to her?

I might tweak the sentence by breaking it up a bit. It surprised me though because Kaden always listens to me. I didn't know he could yell.

Also, you'll want to watch the that's. I mention them because I happen to be a very that-y writer and always have to go back through and kill hundreds of them. Most of the time they can be removed or there is a better way to phrase it. I'm more lenient in dialogue, but usually reduce by 75% or so when I'm revising.

Thanks--I'll work on the Kaden phrase a bit more :)

Yeah--I like that and really. I'm also the Queen of Adverbs--but I figure those are easy fixes, and I can search for them and take out... Unfortunately word does not have a function to search for telling... Someone really should get on that quickly.

If it makes you feel better, I took out over 900 extra that's from the first draft to the final in Asteria. THAT makes me the Goddess of all things THAT! :-D

I think it might have something to do with regions. Here in Kentucky, we throw that's around like they're candy on a float on Fat Tuesday. It wasn't until the WIP made it to Chicago that someone pointed it out.

Brandi wrote: "Thanks--I'll work on the Kaden phrase a bit more :)

Yeah--I like that and really. I'm also the Queen of Adverbs--but I figure those are easy fixes, and I can search for them and take out... Unfort..."

You're right, someone should get on the ball and figure out something to detect the passive writing and telling passages. Maybe the MS should just correct itself or at least speak up and tell us when we're going off the rails (but we'd need an off switch during the creation phase)

Elizabeth wrote: "If it makes you feel better, I took out over 900 extra that's from the first draft to the final in Asteria. THAT makes me the Goddess of all things THAT! :-D

I think it might have something to do..."

I don't know how many that's I've killed. I refused to count because the body count was racking up too quickly.

Lately though, I've managed to keep the that's under some semblance of control, but other words sneak in ... it's amazing. I think I know which ones I've overused until I do an actual word count (via a website) and can be shocked at some of the overusage. Although sometimes the overusage can be in much smaller numbers... like when I used the word Surprisingly 4 or 5 times in one book and needed 0 of them.

Which website do you use?

I keep a notebook on the writing desk at all times, and when I come across a word in revisions that I've repeated, I just jot it down. After every pass, I go back and clean those with the search/find in Word. The problem is making sure you don't replace the word with another word that's already in play, and then that word becomes overused. My favorite word at the moment is marred. Something's always getting marred ... so frustrating, but I attribute it to the creation phase to. When your just getting the story down, anything goes!

And yeah, which website? :-D

Being so caught up in my own stories, sometimes I can't catch things I'm doing over and over. I do notice that I have a tendency to use 'as if' a lot. EX: Sylvia's mouth puckered as if she was sipping lemon juice. OR Sylvia's fingertips raked across the top of the table, as if they had a mind of their own. RAWR. lol