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Pshaw you're the only member! lol!

I'm Kenzie, I've written or worked on seven different screenplays, only four of which I've ever completed. I'd love to get one of them out there, but I don't have the connections and I have no idea where to start. I love writing (obviously), I'd love to direct and act as well, hopefully I'll get the chance. I'm glad someone besides me on this site is into writing screenplays, hardly anyone I know is and I can never get a discussion going. I find it rather frustrating. I know a bit about the writing aspect, but I know I'm constantly learning and improving and am thrilled whenever I learn something new.

Oh, that's a long post.

Actually, I take that back.

Hi, I'm Lauren and I am a freak and just posted one of my screenplays on here so if you want to check it out and give me some well needed and solicited feedback, I'd greatly appreciate it.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/4...

I've only read the first scene so far, but I like it. I love your style, btw.

yeah, thanks, that's super exciting. i posted a request for critiques from my fiction writers group and i think a lot of them don't get it.

lol, I'm only 14, jtlyk, so don't take my advice too seriously, 'cause I only kinda know what I'm doing.

Let me stress the 'kinda'.

doesn't matter, 14 year olds go to movies, 14 year olds buy books, and 14 year olds don't have years and years of conditioning from people telling them what they should like in order to appear like an adult, they just like what they like, and frankly I appreciate that. Kids are way more honest then adults.

eh, it depends on the person

Nope, haven't seen many foreign films, unfortunately.

No, who's the author?

lol

i thought i was in my battle royale group. oh the awkward tiredness of me.

Battle Royale by Koushun Takami
there are also, four? graphic novels.

Oh, nope, never even heard of them.



"?��

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

A cute chunky girl squirms impatiently in a chair in front of a cake with six glowing candles. The flickering candles are the only source of light in the room and the shadows they cast on the walls are large and menacing. The little girl points at the shadows and laughs. She’s MIRI [LITTLE:], a happy, sunny child.

MIRI [LITTLE:]
(cute)
Can I blow the candles?

A stunningly beautiful lady smiles down patronizingly at the child. The lady smoothes her pale green dress and pats her hair again, to make sure everything is just right. This perfectionist is CHALISE.

CHALISE
(fond)
Just a few more minutes, Miri. Your father said he’d-

A car door slams shut. Heavy footsteps sound beyond the door, in the hall. The door swings open and a heavy-set man enters the room. He’s dressed in a light-coloured business suit and is carrying a briefcase. He drops the briefcase to hug Chalise, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. This is EDWARD, Miri’s father.

CHALISE
How was work Edward?

EDWARD
Same as always.

MIRI [LITTLE:]
Daddy!

Miri [Little:] jumps from her chair and runs to her father. She flings her short arms around his knees and hugs them fiercely. Edward laughs and picks her up. He holds her tightly, as if she were going to disappear.

EDWARD
(still holding Miri [Little:])
How was our little girl today, Chalise?

CHALISE
An angel.

Miri [Little:] beams happily.

MIRI [LITTLE:]
Now cake?

Edward sets Miri [Little:] down with a laugh.

EDWARD
Yes, we can do the cake now.

Miri [Little:] settles herself in the chair again and notices a candle is out. She grabs the box of matches lying nearby on the table and tries to relight the candle.

EDWARD
(whispers to Chalise)
They found us. They’re coming.

Chalise glances at Miri [Little:] worriedly.

CHALISE
(quiet)
How long do we have?

EDWARD
I don’t know.

Candle relit, Miri [Little:] turns around, eyes traversing her parents�� troubled faces.

MIRI [LITTLE:]
Mommy, daddy. Is something wrong?

CHALISE
(quick, changing subject)
Be careful with the matches don’t burn yourself.

EDWARD
How old’s my little lady turning?

MIRI [LITTLE:]
(proud)
Six!

Edward smiles at his little girl.

CHALISE
Ready?

Miri [Little:] nods enthusiastically, bouncing in her seat.

CHALISE & EDWARD
(harmonizing)
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday dear Mirali...
Happy bir-!

Candlelight glints off the barrel of a gun. A gunshot interrupts the festivities. Edward falls to the floor, a dark patch quickly spreading across his chest. Miri [Little:] spots the murderer, with his cruel grin, and shrieks. The killer is KIRIL, a young man of about twenty-eight or so. He lowers the gun, aiming at Miri [Little:]. Chalise, in tears, hair a mess, yanks her away right before the bullet hits her chair, exploding it into a billion tiny pieces. Vines sprout from the wall behind Kiril and wrap around his arms and legs, making it impossible for him to move. Chalise kneels next to Edward, choking back sobs, holding Miri [Little:] in her arms. Miri [Little:] is sobbing into Chalise’s shoulder.

EDWARD
(faint whisper)
The matches... I can give you five minutes... Keep our girl safe.

Chalise nods and grabs the box of matches from the table, reverently handing them to Edward. They smile at each other sadly, tears in their eyes. Kiril slowly melts into the shadows and vanishes, unnoticed. Carrying Miri [Little:] awkwardly, Chalise walks out the door.

EXT. STREET �� CONTINUOUS

Chalise runs down the dark street, holding Miri [Little:] close. Behind them, their home explodes and burning debris showers down upon them. Chalise continues to run, and despite the tears rolling down her cheeks, never once looks back.

INT. MOVING CAR �� DAY

Chalise drives slowly, occasionally glancing at the girl in the passenger seat. The girl stares at nothing, quiet and closed. She is MIRI, the sixteen-year-old version of Miri [Little:]. It’s her birthday. Chalise pulls into the high school parking lot and stops. They sit in silence for a few moments before Miri opens the door.

CHALISE
Miri?

Miri pauses, and looks back.

MIRI
Yeah, Mom?

Wordlessly, Chalise hands Miri a cream envelope/letter. Miri gives her a funny look and makes as if to open it.

CHALISE
Don’t open it yet.

MIRI
Why not?

CHALISE
It’s... Wait until after school.



Would you mind telling me what you think?

i think if you end it before the last scene where she turns into a teenager, you have the start of a good short film. Otherwise, if you want to make this into a feature I have a question about whether it is Science Fiction, because of the vines growing out of the walls, and who is it that has found them. In short film you can be a little more abstract because you don't have enough time to justify everything, you kind of get a little bit of take it on blind faith that this is the world they live in, otherwise you have to really create that world and show us everything about it.

Yeah, it's pretty much Sci-Fi, with a little bit of fantasy, and sorry I forgot to mention that this is only the beginning of a longer film. That's all that I have typed up (I love notebooks...), but I have a couple more pages written, but I'm kinda stuck right now because I have to write the letter and I'm horrible with that kind of thing. Thanks for your advice, btw, it's helpful.

the letter?

Yeah, the one Chalise gave to Miri.

ahhh... is it from her father?

No, it's from her mother, telling her that their in danger, but she's not supposed to freak out, simply come home, prepared to move and leave everything behind, and telling her about her magic/powers and everything or something similar to that, I can't quite remember, I haven't worked on my script for a while.

totally understandable. here's a random thought, it might be more powerful if the letter was from her dad, and he is warning her that he cast a spell to protect her until she was 16, that when he died for her, he left her shielded from this other world until her 16th birthday, when she becomes a woman, and that now she has to go back to the life she was born to live, something like that. just a thought, you can totally tell me to shut up.

lol, let me go find my notes and I'll type up what the letter's going to pretty much say.

Okay, I finally found it...

So this is some components of the letter, this is written by Chalise to Miri:

�� sums up Edward's 'death' (they both believe him to be dead, it's why he died, or why they think, at least)
�� Chalise will will come get Miri by 2:30, if she doesn't come, something is wrong and Miri is supposed to get away
�� be careful, Chalise and Miri have been found
�� throws a bunch of the magic stuff at Miri
�� Chalise notifies Miri that she's actually her stepmother, but loves Miri all the same
�� Lenora (the antagonist, not yet introduced) is actually Miri's mother, beware of her, she's the leader of the rebels
�� ends with, "Happy Birthday, Love Mom"

ok, sounds like it gets relatively complicated and has lots of subplots, i think when you have more stuff to read then you should have people go for it otherwise we might be giving you totally off and random notes.

What do you mean, 'have people go for it'?

have people read it, post the story in your writing section and request reviews.

I might, I'm rather paranoid about my stuff...

you just posted it in a comment section
if you post it in your writing atleast then you can prove it's yours and its date stamped.

True. I guess I probably should, and you've got a good point.

I try occasionally I succeed

lol

I really like this paaaaage! Kenz, Lauren is right you need to get that copyrighted before you post it... also finish it. And, as always I will try to help. I'm not sure how far you are...I haven't seen you in months.

PS What is a better name for a intellectual, self absorbed, brave, with a bit of a bitter past- Robert or Mortimer? (fantasy/medieval)

mortimer... its just funner. i know its not a word, but its appropriate.

Morty! :D jk. I'd go with Mortimer if he's older, and Robert if he's younger.

That what I thought, but (he's 30)

Mort

Hmm....okay, thanks guys. I had a lot of names for this guy, and it was a bit hard for me. Character attachment, you know.

totally understandable. you kind of just have to keep experimenting until you find the one that rings with you. i personally think if you can find any event to put in a mortimer you are awesome.

I really liked Forrest for a while, but that was a bit odd because he is known as The Green Prince so, it was too cliche for me.

ahhhhhhhh.

where is this set?

lol, could you show it to me sometime, Sparrow-Girl? (sorry, I just can't resist teasing ya, but I need a name for you on ŷ������...))

:( Whaaaaaaaaat? Kenz..........

You can call me Ella, Mal does.

Are you sure? I didn't think you'd want me to use your name on el internet, but sure! Although I'll still call you Sparrow-Girl from time to time... :P

What do you mean on 45?

I don't know. Sure, but I get to call you Nezzie......(jk) I wouldn't do that.

Yeah, I know you wouldn't. 'sides, there's only one 'z'. =D

Hey everyone, just joined the group, and I added a couple of you as friends already. My name is Adam. I'm an accountant living and working out of Columbus, OH. Trying (desperately/feebly/pick your depressing adverb) to break into the screenwriting world.

welcome adam