Mariel's Updates

"A shameless 1994 modernisation of Ambrose Bierce’s 1911 The Devil’s Dictionary, which I reviewed HERE.

At first, I cynically assumed it was unnecessary plagiarism for profit, but Bierce is credited in the acknowledgements, and his acerbic tone is here, though less sharply. For example, Bayan’s cynic is “An idealist whose rose-coloured glasses have been removed, snapped in two and stomped into the ground, immediately improving his vision��. Not as elegant as Bierce’s “A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be��, imo.

Period Piece

It’s a little window into the days when political correctness was new, and computers were around, but the internet was not ubiquitous, portable, embedded, essential that it is today. Thus, the listings are more about ethics and tech, but less about religion and the law than the original.

US or UK?

I’m not sure of Bayan’s nationality or his target audience: it was first published in the US, but although there are plenty of nods to and mentions of the US, it uses British spelling and there are lots of very British elements (e.g. referring to the little Isle of Wight in the context of the Greenhouse Effect, and mentioning motorways, without giving the American English translation of the term). I suppose he’s trying to appeal to all, or perhaps make it sound exotic to Brits, but it created a rather elusive effect.

Examples of the Time

Here are some definitions that pinpoint the period (which is the only reason to pick up this, rather than Bierce's book, imo). They are not my favourites (I disagree with some), and not all are quoted in full:

ACID RAIN: Industry’s revenge on nature for resisting its advances.

AIDS: The Black Death updated for the free-love era; a slow-motion epidemic that threatens to purge the world of its sexual adventurers, along with haemophiliacs, intravenous drug users, recipients of tainted blood, half the population of East Africa, and anyone else who gets in the way.

ANSAFONE: Yet another technological convenience that enables us to avoid close encounters with real people.

BUZZWORDS: The verbal equivalent of dressing for success in the business world.

COHABITATION: Living together with probably intent to practise conjugation; a semi-scandalous lifestyle shared by young libertines and elderly pensioners, although not usually in the same dwelling quarters.

COMPUTER: A nimble electronic brain devoid of animal passions and human with, and therefore admirably suited to the contemporary corporate environment.

CREDIT CARD: Plastic passport to the valley of the shadow of debt.

DATE RAPE: Unilateral escalation of a courtship to its inevitable conclusion, without the usual niceties of flowers and consent.

DEMAGOGUE: Traditionally a politician skilled in the use of incendiary rhetoric to inflame a mob. Now more likely to be a talk-show personality whose utterances consist entirely of calculated applause lines.

ETHNIC JOKE: A vaguely conspiratorial method of communicating unpalatable truths and half-truths about various minority groups, esp. those presumed not to be present in the audience.

FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS: Tidy, congenial roadside bistros that clog the nation’s highways and the arteries of their patrons.

FAX: A modern enhancement of the telephone, enabling us to send and receive illegible information in seconds.

FEMINIST: A woman who intends to fulfil her destiny by aping the worst traits of her oppressors. Also a man who believes that siding with women will get him more dates.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH: The inalienable right of all citizens to have their opinions shouted down by the guardians of political correctness.

GREENHOUSE EFFECT: A purported global warming��

HISTORY: The vast and thrilling pageant of human deeds and misdeeds, esp. as recorded by the lackeys of systematically oppressive male power elites. Now a moot point as the memory of our species gives way to computerized ROM and RAM - no relation to Romulus and Remus - and our span of consciousness dwindles to the electronic present.

HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT: Corporate nomenclature intended to confer greater dignity on personnel managers while reducing everyone else in the company to the status of bauxite or wood-pulp.

JET SET: Gypsies with money.

OXBRIDGE ACCENT: Used to be a prerequisite for working at the BBC, but now considered almost an impediment.

PERSONAL COMPUTER: Man’s best friend for the post-canine era: a gentle, undemanding companion who demonstrates infinite patience with our mental limitations�� and who asks only that we provide it with a sturdy table, and electrical outlet and, every so often, a major project to eat.

PIZZA: A giant communion wafer shared by celebrants of the great god Gluttony.

POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMINOLOGY: Inadvertently comical euphemisms mandated by committees of humourless academics for the purpose of offending no group except believers in free speech.

RAP: A pounding headache set to rhythm; a profane street sermon; the end of music as we know it.

RECYCLING: The meticulous separation of one’s rubbish into its fundamental components, so as to conserve precious natural resources like glass and plastic.

SEGREGATION(US): In an earlier era, the government enforcement of that which now occurs naturally at golf tournaments and hip-hop concerts.

SEXUALITY: One’s bedroom demeanour worn outside the bedroom, like a badge or a hairdo to be admired by curious onlookers.

SHOULDER PADS: The part of a baseball player’s uniform designed to make him look as fearsome as a female executive.

SMOKING: Voluntary self-pollution�� now banned in many public areas by Britain’s health police, forcing renegade hobbyists to take a whiff of fresh air along with the fatal weed.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

STUD: A slut with chest hair.

TELEVANGELIST: In the US, a charismatic good ol�� boy with the power to perform miracles, such as transforming the donations of dirt-poor believers into a thirty-room mansion with a pink limousine out front.

VCR: An electronic device for capturing the flotsam of the airwaves and granting it an immortality denied to saints and sages.

PS

There is one excellent definition that is worthy of sitting alongside those of Bierce:
REACTIONARY: A sentimental curmudgeon for whom the past is perfect, the present tense, and the future extremely conditional.

And finally, especially for Apatt:
SCIENCE FICTION: Fairy tales for nerds."