"This book is a manual for managing relationships with irrational people. It captures why we find ourselves in traps when dealing with the irrational people in our lives, how to avoid these traps, how to find a productive way forward, and how not to become crazy ourselves. It is particularly valuable for managers, parents, and children-of-aging parents.

My favorite excerpts from the book follow. I am putting these here in the hope that I come back and remind myself of these insights. The excerpts spill over into the comment because I ran out of space in this review.

Chapter 2 Recognizing How Crazy Happens
�� “Don’t reason with crazy people, “Why? Because garden-variety craziness, just like real psychosis, isn’t just something you can talk people out of. It doesn’t respond to facts or logic. And if you keep trying to reason with irrational people, they won’t just suddenly snap out of it. It’s not that they refuse to change. It’s that they can’t. Most people who behave irrationally aren’t even remotely psychotic, but like psychotic people, they’re unable to think sanely��
�� “Chronically irrational people... constantly feel threatened, and that makes them consistently act in ways that make no sense. They become locked in self-preservation (“I am threatened and must do anything I can to survive��) or self-identity (“This is who I am and the only way I feel confident, competent, and in control��). It’s as if they’re trapped in a hologram of their own making—a fiction based on their past. They can’t see the reality that’s right in front of them.��

Chapter 4 Knowing When to Talk to Crazy and When to Walk Away
�� “Why? Do you have a good reason for trying to engag"e with this person? Or would you be better off steering clear?��
�� “To start, take stock of what you should be able to expect from each irrational person in your life and what you’re actually getting. Ask yourself:*Can you rely on this person for emotional or psychological support, or is the person distant or even abusive? Can you rely on this person for practical help, or does the person let you down whenever you need assistance? *Does the person accept responsibility for his actions or blame others? Is the person reliable or unreliable? *Is the person self-reliant or needy? In addition, ask yourself what this person should expect from you and what you’re actually giving. Decide if you’re doing your fair share in the relationship. Also, ask yourself if you’re doing far more than your fair share, and if it’s frustrating or exhausting you. When you’re done with this exercise, review what you’ve written. Then ask yourself, based on your answers: Is this a relationship worth saving? Or should you cut this person out of your life? Before you answer this question, however, think about your entire track record with the person. For instance, if you’re dealing with a demanding parent, ask yourself: *“For most of our relationship, did she do her best to support me when I needed help—or did she constantly ignore, abuse, or undermine me?�� “Is this a good, loving person who’s behaving this way because she is old, sick, or demented—or has this person always been nasty and negative?�� Sometimes you’ll owe the person loyalty “just because.�� Because you’re grateful for everything she did for you earlier. Because it’s not her fault that a trauma or illness is making her behave irrationally. Because you love her, no matter what. But other times, you’ll discover that you’re sticking with an irrational person simply because you don’t want to feel like a bad person yourself. You’re terrified to let yourself think, “I hate you. I want you to go away,�� or even, “Please die, because you’re killing me.�� If that’s the case, realize that thinking these thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person. It only makes you human. And if you’re feeling this way, it’s a very strong sign that you need to disconnect from the person. If you determine this is the case, forget about talking to crazy. Instead, if you can, just walk away. Sometimes when you walk away, the person will try to pull you back in. If this happens, you can use what I call the DNR method for escaping a relationship: *Do Not React. Don’t make this person’s problem and responsibility your fault or responsibility. Instead, tell yourself, “This is the other person’s view, the other person’s problem, and the other person’s responsibility.��*Do Not Respond. Do not say anything that the person could twist to make it your fault, problem, or responsibility. (But you can acknowledge what the person says or even say, “I’m sorry you feel that way�� or “It sounds like you feel upset.��) Do Not Resuscitate. Do not engage with the person in any way that will cause him to rev up and try to rehook you. Once you implement a DNR, do not go back. At first, the person may try very hard to entrap you in a relationship again. But if you don’t weaken, eventually he will most likely look for a new victim... Remember: You can’t always change the people around you. But you can change the people you’re around.��
�� “Here’s one way to smoke out a person with a personality disorder when you’re on a date or you’re conducting a job interview. Ask the person what has frustrated, upset, or disappointed him in the past. (That’s the FUD part.) Then, when he answers, see where he hangs the blame for his problems. For instance, does he say, “I wish I’d pursued my interest in art��? Or does he say, “I wanted to be a painter, but my family didn’t support me and neither did my first wife��? If the person has a personality disorder, you’ll quickly see a pattern of blaming other people... and that’s the CRUD part that tells you this isn’t a person you want to get to know better.��
�� “Instead, consider whether you should continue your connection with a person with a personality disorder. Ask yourself if there is any reason to keep putting energy into a relationship with someone who will suck you dry.��

Chapter 6 Keeping Your Own Crazy at Bay When You're Under Attack
�� “When an irrational person attacks you, your instinct is to fight back. But that won’t work. So don’t think of it as an attack. Instead, reframe it by pausing and then mentally saying: “Opportunity for poise.”��
�� “Then take a deep breath and repeat to yourself: “Opportunity for poise.�� Right now, the person you’re talking with will be expecting you to get defensive and yell, start crying, or escape. When you don’t, the person will be disarmed. And this is when you look the person squarely in the eye and say in a puzzled but not angry tone, “Whoa! What was that about?�� As you do this, watch closely. You’ll notice that the person becomes upset because her verbal grenades didn’t wound you. So she may say even more cruel and hurtful things. If that happens, here’s what you do: Simply repeat, “Yeah... and that too. What was that about?�� When you do this, you’re likely to trigger a psychological response called an extinction burst. This happens when someone discovers that an old, reliable trick no longer works. Rather than giving up, the person will escalate the behavior to see if doing it more will work. Let the person go off verbally on you again. Then say something like this:*“I can’t say I like your tone or style, but just so I don’t miss the point you’re making—what is it exactly that you’d like me to get from this?��*“Not the best delivery on your part—but going forward, in your mind’s eye, what exactly do you want me to start doing and what do you want me to stop doing, so we don’t have this conversation again?�� Eventually, if you keep demonstrating poise, the person you’re talking with will realize that lashing out wildly doesn’t work anymore. At this point, you can steer the conversation back to more positive ground. And even if you still don’t succeed in talking to crazy that day, you can feel proud of your own behavior.��
�� “Training Yourself to Be Saner Staying in control during a conversation with an irrational person�� or during any life crisis—is hard, especially at first. That’s because you need to remain calm even as you’re experiencing a nearly overwhelming urge to give in to anger or fear.��

Chapter 7 Regrouping When Crazy Wins
�� “After you admit the powerful emotion you’re feeling, breathe deeply and slowly through your nose with your eyes closed and let it go. Keep doing this as long as it takes to let it go. After you’ve released your emotions, keep breathing and r-e-l-a-x. This will allow you to begin to regain your inner balance.... Do this drill whenever you experience a crisis at home or in the offi ce. Over time, you’ll fi nd that you can gain control over your emotions more and more quickly. And when you do, you’ll be able to move quickly from “Oh f#@&�� to “OK�� when an attempt to talk to crazy takes a bad turn.��
�� “If you’re tempted to act, remember: 72 hours is the amount of time that psychiatrists can put patients on an involuntary hold, giving them time to calm down so they won’t act on some dangerous impulse. And in the midst of your personal meltdown, that’s how long you need to regain control. Therefore, when you’re experiencing a meltdown and feel like you need to do something right now, take the following actions. These will help you act maturely rather than making a bad situation worse. In essence, it’s like giving yourself an adult time-out until you’re sane again.��

8 The Belly Roll: Putting the Irrational Person "in Charge" to Defuse a Tense Situation
�� “Sometimes you win the battle by surrendering... Version 1: When you know you are in the wrong Admit you are wrong. Then ask, “What do you want me to do?�� Version 2: When you don’t know what move to make Say to the person, “If I say or do something, it will make things worse. If I don’t say or do something, it will make things worse. Given that I have very little confidence in what to do now, I need you to tell me what you need me to say or do to make the situation better for you.�� Then ask, “What would it take to make this right?�� Version 3: When you know you will need to say “no�� to an unrealistic request Say to the person, “I have to say ‘no�� to what you want, and I’m preparing myself for your reaction. I don’t have any idea what your reaction might be. So I’m in your hands.�� Then say, “Would you help me?”��

Chapter 9 The A-E-U Technique: Highly Effective—But Scary
�� “When your life is turned upside down, feeling alone makes it worse. Many people need to verbalize what they’re feeling to someone who will listen and care. And when they spill out all the emotions they’re feeling, it frequently results in... a breakdown that leads to a breakthrough.��
�� “The A-E-U technique is powerful in situations ranging from marital breakdowns to neighborhood feuds because even the most defensive people are defenseless against an apology, a display of empathy, and the relief of being cleansed of their dark thoughts... Action Steps 1. Think of a difficult relationship you have with an irrational person and decide if you want to improve it. On paper, list the pros and cons of taking action. 2. If you decide you want to take action, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and list some of the ways you make things difficult in the relationship. 3. Finally, write down some of the dark and deeply destructive thoughts this person might have toward you—thoughts he might feel ashamed of.��

Chapter10 Time Travel: Getting an Irrational Person to Stop Dwelling on the Past and Focus Instead on the Future
�� “don’t keep going round and round in the same tired conversation with an irrational person:.... “I can tell that I’m doing or failing to do a lot of things, and this has upset you for a long time. Going forward, what in your mind’s eye would you like me to do differently?��... “Can I ask a favor? You don’t need to agree to it, but I hope you will. Going forward, when I get home from work, could you let me know exactly what you need me to do, or not do, that evening—and tell me in a loving way so I won’t feel like I’m under attack and want to escape?”��
�� “don’t ask, “Do you understand what I’ve said?�� Instead say, “What do you understand about what I’ve asked you—and why do you think what we’re doing here is important?�� This helps to make the person feel like a participant rather than a target.��

Chapter 11 The Eye of the Hurricane: Finding the Sane Inside the Crazy
�� “As the person vents, keep your expression empathetic and interested. Let him finish venting. And when the screaming or crying winds down, help him tell you what he needs from you. TIP When you’re talking with someone who’s highly emotional, focus on the person’s left eye. I believe this trick works because the left eye is connected to the right brain. Just as the layers of your brain differ, so do the right and left sides. The right side is the more emotional side of the brain, which is where a screaming, crying person is coming from—so putting your attention there will help you connect with the person. More important, it will give you something to focus on other than the person’s ranting.��
�� “many people feel that acting out emotionally is the only way to get their needs met. So they yell, sulk, cry, scream obscenities, or even lash out physically. Most people react to this by retreating or shutting down. This leaves the irrational person thinking, “Nobody cares! Nobody listens!�� As a result, the person decides that the only way to get through is to be more emotional the next time. That’s why the yelling, screaming, sulking, or door-slamming keeps escalating.��"

"This is a self-help book based on advice from "some dude" as opposed to being based on scientific evidence or on the world's wisdom literature. The dude in this case is a lawyer who apparently is a social media star for making 47-second videos. Relying on multiple examples from legal depositions, the book functions as a long infomercial for how great he is at his job because he can get witnesses and clients to say what he wants them to say.

The advice itself is mostly unobjectionable, but I didn't find it very interesting. It's stuff like you should pause and take a breath when you're nervous. And you should listen before you talk. And so on.

These tactics work for conversations with people who are at least somewhat open-minded, honest, and reasonable. However, the big problem in life is the people who are not like that. There is a "hidden bonus chapter" regarding "toxic" personalities. I did not bother to go find it online.

As the author notes at the end, if you are bothering to read this book, it's probably because you have a difficult conversation to deal with. Depending on the specific need, I think there are more helpful books.
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Talking Across the Divide: How to Communicate with People You Disagree with and Maybe Even Change the World
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change
How to Win Friends & Influence People
How to Give a Pretty Good Presentation: A Speaking Survival Guide for the Rest of Us
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide
Mastery





I received a free advance copy of this book from the publisher via ŷ������ in exchange for an honest review. Thanks."

"I was given this book and finally got around to reading it. Harold Kushner served as a congregational rabbi for over 30 years and fell into writing after suffering the loss of his son (inspiring his first book). This book explores how simple principles such as good and evil can pervade our culture, our lives and affect us. It's up to us to decide if the outcome is positive or negative. He starts out referencing the Garden of Eden/Adam and Eve story. Eve ate the apple, God punished them both: man would worry about work and providing for himself and his family; women would suffer incredible pain during childbirth and know the pain of romantic love and uncertainties that accompany romantic longing. Sounds great! Kushner's position her is this: Eve did mankind a favor if this is how it went down; she inadvertently created that which is unique to being human. Kushner believes that the human condition is fraught with complexities and sometimes suffering but that this is worth it as it is part of living a rich, full life.

While I was raised Catholic I don't practice anymore yet still found this interesting. Didactic religious rumblings make me tune out but this book has none of that. Instead of proselytizing, his tone is conversational, friendly, humble, sympathetic and mostly importantly it's hopeful. His optimism and straightforward approach reflects how many rabbis impart information (to their congregants but also to curious people outside their community). There is no gloating, no drawing the line at excluding others outside of his faith and that, to me is the sign of a highly developed intellect.

His approach is intellectual and he weaves personal anecdotes, quotes from the psychologist Gottlieb, Immanuel Kant, John Steinbeck, St. Augustine, the Talmud and others. In other words it's a very interesting read. My favorite parts of the book were the words he shares with some congregants seeking his counsel (part of a rabbi's job) and he picks examples of common issues to hold up as examples to readers perhaps experiencing the same issues.

This book could be appreciated by anyone regardless of their religion. He shares his thoughts and observations on long term estrangement/feuds within families and how the quest for perfection alienates us from ourselves, our families and from God. This quest for perfection also takes away the joy we were all meant to have. So many wonderful passages and quotes on this topic. A large section was also dedicated to the complicated relationships between parents and children (particularly as they get older) and also the emotionally charged relationships between siblings (and how often the latter is overlooked and unappreciated when considering what forms our personalities).

Forgiveness of ourselves for making mistakes is essential; God forgives us, he says, why can't we do the same? We also need to forgive those who hurt us (for our health and joy more than anything). This doesn't mean accept repeated poor behavior; just forgive and let go. All of this has been heard in some form or another of course but the anecdotes and texts he uses in the book to illustrate this make this come to life. Kushner thinks too many choose 'righteousness' over happiness. He notes (as someone who has seen literally every family dynamic and drama play out over the course of his tenure as a rabbi) many of us are still reluctant to forgive. "We nurture grievances because that makes us feel morally superior. Withholding forgiveness gives us a sense of power, often power over someone who otherwise leaves us feeling powerless. The only power we have over them is the power to remain angry at them." We all can relate to that passage on some level. Very potent stuff.

And according to sages of the Talmud they say the normal span of a quarrel is two or three days (if someone offends or upsets you you're entitled to be mad for that long; this is routine arguments, not major stuff) According them if our bitter feelings extend into a fourth day it is simply because we are *choosing* to hold on to them, we're nursing the grievance- almost using it like a crutch. Kushner expounds on this satisfaction some seem to take in clinging to grievances or playing the 'victim' role but said it was bad for two reasons. 1) it estranges you from someone you could be close to( and if it becomes a habit, estranges you from people you *could* have become close to) and 2)Makes you see yourself as a victim. His opinion? A shallow sense of moral superiority not worth seeing yourself in that way.

A quick read and something I would lend to a friend.
"

"idk what kind of drugs y’all are on but i evidently did not receive my portion


maybe manvi is right and i just really hate popular books
but, this was just�� not good?


the pure agony of having to read this. yes, i was held at gun point and forced to finish it, do not ask questions, i am not allowed to talk about it

i actually picked this to have something fun and easy to read in-between studying but instead i got this infuriating reading experience and a massive spike in my heart rate just from sheer annoyance. you will hear from my cardiologist, believe me, he’s not happy.


this was just plain boring. do i care about the couple? no. they could have not ended up together and it would have made no difference to me. why would i root for people who can’t manage to open their goddamn mouth and just talk to each other about their feelings? how does anyone even have relationships? the miscommunication in this was just *chefs kiss* and not in a good way. everyone and their mum knew that adam was in love with olive and yet. yes this man who let’s you coat him in sunscreen and buys you your disgusting pumpkin spice latte (yes, i am with adam on this one. but. hear me out: i’m allergic, so.) and looks at you like the sun shines out of your ass is definitely head over heels for another woman. makes sense.

also, the whole spiel about adam being this huge asshole when in reality he a. wasn’t and b. was actually right in that one specific instance and just doing his job of „raising�� good future scientists by giving them pointers how to do good research. and yet i had to sit through that whole drama of „buhu, how dare you date this mean prof, who made me do actual work on my dissertation, i will now hate you, because you are enabling him by dating him��. first of all, have you considered that you’re just doing shit work. second, how the fuck is it olive’s problem. why did i have to read this. it was such an unnecessary conflict.


there’s this thing in romance books where they have to hyperfocus on one of the man’s physical attributes and if it’s not the eyes it’s his fucking size. we get it. adam is big. HUGE. ENORMOUS. A FUCKING GIANT. HE HAS MUSCLES. I GET IT!!!!!! HIS FINGERS ARE MASSIVE AND SO IS HIS DICK. GREAT.
you didn’t have to tell me in every paragraph though. i know i have shit memory but i am not close to dementia yet. once or twice would have been enough. like what do you want me to do? shall i applaud him? good job growing, i guess you ate your carrots as a kid, go you!


have i mentioned that this book could have been 350 pages shorter if they had just talked to each other? communication, so important.


this book started every chapter with a hypothesis except that most of them weren’t actually hopotheses but who cares. who cares. wait�� my test theory prof is calling and i think he does.

other than that, the science was actually the best part of the book. also the criticism of the bad working conditions of phd students was very well done. i’m only a master’s student but a phd might be in my future plans and i can already feel the poverty, so #relatable.


there were only two chapters i liked: chapter 16 and chapter 20. small spoiler ahead.

chapter 16 is the sex chapter and in chapter 20 a certain character gets called out on their behaviour and adam does this sexy thing of nearly beating them up.

having read another review that has quoted chapter 16 though�� ugh�� cringe. idk what i was on reading this. in my defense i haven’t seen my boyfriend in a week so maybe i was feeling touch starved.
also, there's this very fine line between finding your partner so sexy that you can't control yourself and premature ejaculation. i am not saying that adam belongs in the second category. but i am.

i still stand by my opinion that chapter 20 was sexy.


i did actually like adam even though he’s a very stereotypical grumpy-only-drinks-black-coffee-and-eats-broccoli kind of character. he is definitely kinda bland. but maybe i just like my men bland *shrugs*.
i have like zero opinions on olive though. she was there i guess.


all in all: i don’t think this book has done anything new or swoon worthy. the characters were average. the story was average. the writing was average. i don’t really get why everyone is so crazy about it. i guess the STEM aspect was fun but even that has been done before i think?

overall, i was mainly bored and infuriated by the amount of unnecessary drama and height descriptions. you all do you i guess. but i’ll do me: 1.5 stars"