Ash Ambirge's Blog, page 9
November 25, 2020
I Was On BBC Radio London—ARE YOU DYING???
Yoooooo! Ho ho hooooooo!
Maybe a little too soon for the Santa greetings, but whatever, IT'S THANKSGIVING HERE IN THE U.S., which means that I've officially pulled out my clear bin full of balls and plan on hanging at least one fake garland before the day is out. (Then again, I live across the street from the world's cutest Parisian floral designer, so I should probably go over there with a beret on and a cigarette and pretend to be very, very snooty about my garlands.) (Not like I have cigarettes.) (Or a beret.) (Though I might look alright in a beret?) (Will think on it.)
So, fun news!
The other day I went on the air at (hour marker 2:02:50) with my hot-ass friend and radio presenter and the new love of my life, , to talk all about finding your f*cking voice—except the producer warned me on the phone beforehand that I couldn't swear, which was hilarious because I was like, “Is this the standard spiel or is he saying this specifically to me?�
You should know how the radio works, because I get the biggest hoot out of this. When I was on the Jenny McCarthy Show they did it the same way. (OHHHHH, SHE SHOOTS, SHE SCORES, SHE HUMBLEBRAAAAAGSSSSS, EVERYBODYYYY! Though I guess Jenny's an anti-vaxxer so does that take the wind out of the brag? It does, right?)
So basically when you're going to be live on the radio, you give them your actual telephone number and they call you at a designated time. But, like, on your actual phone. Your “texted the plumber this morning� iPhone. That has hardened earwax you keep trying to remember to clean out, but don't. That has no USB microphone attachment; no no pop filter to prevent you from pop-pop-popping your P's and puffs of air all over the place; no way of preventing your cheek from accidentally hitting the mute button while you're in mid-sentence. (Just me? Because this happens to me all. the. time.) I'm always amazed by this, the idea that you'd go live on the radio on your phone. And not just your phone, but they even asked if they could call me back on Facetime Audio, because apparently, it's clearer. Can you believe that shit? TECHNOLOGY.
So anyway, you have to follow Salma and Lion. Like, must must must must must. Up there I linked you to their Instas, but below are two of my favorite things they've made:
Salma's Ted talk titled, “�
Lion's short titled, �.�
And what fun we had on the radio together! We talked for a little over a half-hour, and I've never wanted to hug people in person more. What brilliant artists they are. They're leading important creative conversations every single night on the BBC, highlighting talent from around the world—and they're just such incredible speakers, thinkers, writers, poets, people.
So what did we talk about for an entire half-hour on the fucking BBC?
(You can stream it ! We're live at hour marker 2:02:50.)
Well first, Salma gave me the greatest introduction on the planet
Lion and I fell in love immediately
We all decided we're starting an umbrella company named “Elizabeth Louis.� (Long story. You have to listen.)
We talked about giving the middle finger to work that doesn't inspire you anymore (obviously)
Where one finds their voice in the first place—and the wherewithal to follow it
Owning how you actually feel about something
Being RICH as a radical act of feminism
Being a woman on the internet and the unexpected advantages this brings (unlike in corporate)
And how writing will help you discover who you really are—and what you really want
For the record? I managed not to swear the entire time. However, I did start to tell the story about “duck nards,� and then I was like, “OH NO, I'M SAYING ‘DUCK NARDS' LIVE ON THE AIR!!!!!!!!!!!' But then it already had come out of my mouth so I had to commit. So there we have it: Ash Ambirge officially referred to the testicles of waterfowl for all 9 million people of London to hear.
Including, omg, The Queen. WHAT IF THE QUEEN HEARD?!?!?
I've just realized this (very remote, but entertaining) possibility. Hey, you never know—the BBC officially announced the 73rd anniversary of The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh right before I was on in the same breath. Isn't that just fantastic? My name was in the same 60 seconds as The Queen's. Now THAT'S a humblebrag. 
November 18, 2020
I Wrote a Book About Changing Careers—And Here’s My Advice to Donald J. Trump, CAPS PIRATE III
Walking around the house this morning looking like my best self—AKA with an oversized Columbia fleece and these really, really thin sweatpants from Target that kind of make my ass look like a bouncy miracle???—and that’s when it hit me:
Donald Trump really needs to read The Middle Finger Project.
Not just because of the book title—though “The Middle Finger Project� is rather convenient for the context—but because it seems like the man is in *desperate* need of some solid career-transition guidance. Then again, the book is all about following your passions unless you’re a serial killer, and Donald's, like, one step away.* HOWEVER, for a guy who's about to have the biggest career crisis on the planet? Who has no idea what he'll do next? Who could really use some words of encouragement? I have JUST the thing.
Here are some hand-selected quotes I pulled special from for the man who has single-handedly ruined my ALL CAPS game for life:
“Authority only works as long as you trust that someone smarter than you is making the rules.�
This is where your presidency hit the skids, Don. Not trying to rub salt in the ol' wound, but we all know that you can't change it until you name it—so here's me yelling with a megaphone that half of America doesn't buy that you are, in fact, smarter than them. (“Yosemite� didn't help.)
“We all go to work every day and feel good about the fact that we have gone. But, what have we done?�
Unfortunately, Homeland Security is still trying to figure out the answer to this question.
“While your status may be admirable, you don’t admire yourself. This is not okay. This is a very real emergency.�
Okay, fine, you admire yourself BIGLY. You've said many times how lucky we are to have you as president. But I think all that pomp and puffery is massive overcompensation for the fact that you actually feel like a giant fraud. (Oops, there's the F-word again!) Truth is, I think you know you're a terrible president. And I think your glaring incompetence gnaws at you. And I think you very much dislike the role because you feel like an imposter every single day of your life. So my advice to you is another humble quote from my own damn book:
“Of course you feel like an imposter: when you’re doing work that doesn’t belong in your life, it feels wrong.�
I don't know if you can feel things, Donald, but feel free to borrow some of the sentiment of the rest of the whole entire world: this job isn't for you, honey. Move on.
“That’s when you know it’s bad: when you’re living a life not even Chip and Joanna Gaines can fix.�
Though I bet they could help you decorate the White House for the holidays since Melania doesn't want to do it.
“Is it any wonder so many of us are left feeling like a bunch of mediocre, midwestern white men who peaked during high school football? The focus has always been on productivity, not creativity.�
I'm sure this quote really hits home so I'm just going to leave this right there.
“Now—she says calmly—there is a lot of fun-filled advice out there for when your life suddenly hits the skids and comes to a screeching halt . . . by which I mean screeching into an empty Kmart Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot, my own Rudy Giuliani's personal venue of choice.
For example, Deepak Chopra would probably advise: “You must find the place inside yourself where nothing is impossible.� (I think he means my stomach. I have eaten some REALLY pornographic things over the years.) (I think he means “in your dreams.� You have seen some REALLy pornographic things over the years.)
Dr. Phil, on the other hand, might say: “If you need a miracle, be a miracle.� (And then we would all look at him like, Did you really just say that, D?) (And then we would all look at him like, DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM, PHIL.)
Nayyirah Waheed, one of my favorite poets, would cryptically whisper in a wonderful fashion: “I don’t pay attention to the world ending. It has ended for me many times, and began again in the morning.� (On Twitter. At 12:01am. When your stream is an all-new slate.)
Amy Schumer would swim up with arm floaties and cheer: “I don’t even want to know someone who isn’t barely hanging on by a thread.� (Second thoughts on this, Amy? An addendum, perhaps?)
And most importantly, Yogurt, from Spaceballs, would call out in a far-off, raspy voice: “May the Schwartz be with youuuuuu . . .� (That guy always knows how to motivate me.)
Yes, plenty of well-meaning advice, but not a whole lot of “BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY� kind of counsel—which is precisely what one needs in a situation like that. What do you do when you’ve hit the rockiest of rock bottoms? Where do you go when it all goes wrong?�
Final answer: you go the fuck home, Donnie. You go home.
“Radical self-reliance comes from following your most dangerous ideas.�
OH GOD, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE! DO NOT FOLLOW THAT ADVICE, DONALD. DO YOU HEAR ME? DO NOT FOLLOW!
“I was determined to become the most middle class of ALL the middle class! I would have carpeted staircases and organic sunscreen and be the kind of person who layered wax paper in between their slices of leftover pizza. (There are people who do this, they should be president.)�
Hear that? They should be president. It's printed right there.
“Most people will say anything to justify their own actions, because most people would rather be right than happy.�
In your case, I think the sentence really should read, “Most Republicans will say anything to justify their own actions, because most Republicans would rather be unprincipled shitbricks than admit defeat.�
“Money can’t cure the deep dissatisfaction of a person who is exasperated by his own life.�
Then again, I bet you could really use some right now—what, with all that debt.
“You can have everything you want in life, as long as you’re willing to sacrifice everything you don’t.�
Just imagine the hookers! It'll be so nice getting back to normal.
“Commitment is a virtue until it becomes a blankie.�
And we all know tough men like you do not sleep with blankies! Conceding the presidency will not make you look weak; in fact, it will prove the opposite: that you don't need ANYONE! Yoouuuu areeee Donaldddd Trumppppp! (*taps mic* Is it working? Is he buying it?)
“Quit often. Quit over and over again. Become an expert quitter, because this means that you are also an expert starter.�
Look at that sweet little reframe, Donald. That's what you needed, isn't it? A nice little reframe. There we go, sweetheart. Ashley's got you. Who needs the presidency when you can be the leader of the Flat Earthers? SILVER LINING, DON. SILVER LINING.
Life circumstances are not life sentences. If a Scranton girl who grew up in a trailer park can make it, so can you.
I guess Scranton's probably a sore subject right now, but I promise trailers aren't that bad—little roomier than a jail cell, you know???? I mean, speaking of life sentences, darling�
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November 2, 2020
“Fuck It, Not Voting, Doesn’t Matter”—And the Surprising Reason Why It Actually Does
It’s fahking freezing here in Philly today—forty-five degrees, which we all know is basically thirty-two degrees, because there’s no rounding up when it comes to the weather. You ever notice that? NO ROUNDING UP IN THE WEATHER. Forty-five is not close to sixty, it’s close to death.
But I’m not here to talk about the weather. That would be the cheapest thing one could write about before Election Day…ever. But I was thinking about the weather, because I was thinking about the concept of tipping points. Water doesn’t turn to ice until it reaches that critical tipping point—thirty-two degrees—that suddenly changes everything. But up until that point, no change happens from forty-five degrees, to forty-four degrees, to forty-three degrees, to forty-two degrees, and so on. Water just stays like, well, water. And in fact, if you were forty-two degrees, you might start to feel a little bit like a failure, right? WHY ISN’T IT HAPPENING? WHY CAN’T I FREEZE THIS WATER??? I SUCK!!!!
And yet, forty-two degrees still has the most critical role of all. Water can’t become ice without it…even though you can’t see any change at forty-two degrees. But forty-two is still a must-happen, no-fucking-joke part of the process: you can’t get to thirty-two without first going through forty-two first. It’s a fundamental part of turning water to a solid. Ice won’t be made without it…even though forty-two can’t see its own effect. (Talk about no job satisfaction!)
The same applies to voting, folks. You might not be able to see the effect that your one little vote has, but we can’t get to the tipping point without your participation. It’s physically impossible. You are forty-two. And your vote is an essential part of the chain reaction that occurs to move us from one place to another.
Nothing about your vote is little. It’s a life-and-death part of a delicate system that depends on the proper ingredients to function correctly. You know, like trying to bake a cake without cake mix flour? One cup less, and it throws everything off.
And one vote less, and our entire democracy is thrown off, just the same.
So if you are feeling exhausted / over it / what’s the use-ish? If you aren’t planning on going to vote tomorrow because you hate both candidates? If you’re thinking it won’t matter anyway? If you’re convinced you’re wasting your time working within a rigged system?
Apathy is the realest enemy of all.
They’re counting on you to say “fuck it, not like it matters.� They’re counting on you to let everybody else worry about this. They’re counting on you to make excuses and be too busy. They’re counting on you to rig the election.
Please don’t.
Show the hell up tomorrow.
It won’t take long.
Go to , enter your address, and find your local polling place—mine is literally just around the block, at a cute little church. They’re often at places like churches, so you don’t have to be intimidated. It’s way easier than you think: you walk in, fill out a card, and walk out. That’s all it takes. And every neighborhood and county has their own, so you’ll be with people in your local area…not hoards of people from all over the place.
Remember:
You can’t wear any political gear for either candidate. No hats, tee-shirts, etc. I know that seems kind of surprising, but it’s been the rule for forever.
My friend Zack even got hassled for wearing a Black Lives Matter tee shirt, but ultimately prevailed. (The Washington Post posted the video of the exchange .) That said, I wouldn’t risk it.
Bring identification.
Wear a mask.
If you’re in line by the time the polls are closing, you can’t be turned away. Here in Philadelphia they close at 8pm.
If you run into any other difficulties casting your ballot and aren’t allowed to vote, you can call this non-partisan hotline dedicated to protecting your rights. The number is 1-866-OUR-VOTE—put it in your phone right now.
Be forty-two in order to vote in forty-six.
I’m personally counting on you.
This, like everything, is how you become unfuckwithable. Like I write in :
Youmust be fearless enough to do the work every day, and you must do it without fail, and you must do it with a clear and excited heart. You must keep showing up. You must trust that if you drive the car one mile every day, eventually you will get to California. This is the simple math that the Dream Zappers like to ignore:
Do thirty push-ups a day, get stronger.
Paint enough watercolors, become an artist.
Raise your hand enough times, become a linchpin.
Whatever you want to do, you can accomplish it with good,old-fashioned cause and effect. We like to glorify it with romantic notions of “I WAS MEANT FOR THISSSS!� but the reality is far less glamorous. Nobody likes hearing that, because it makes us feel less extraordinary. It invalidates our significance. Simply sitting your crotch in a chair and doing the work every single day implies that maybe we aren’t so remarkable at all� that maybe time is the real hero.
But the odds aren’t about luck: it’s about nerve. The nerve to keep going, even when “reasonable� would suggest otherwise. There’s a life hack for you: don’t stop, even when your hands are bleeding.
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October 30, 2020
Right Now, Someone Out There is Admiring You, Greatly.
They might not have said it. In fact, they probably kept it to themselves—�don’t want to seem like a creepy ass stalker.� But no matter who you are, you have changed things for someone.
You have made them rethink their career. Rethink their stance. Rethink their makeup. (Because, hey, Urban Decay is a religion.)
You have made them bolder. Brighter. Less afraid to use their voice.
You have made them hopeful. Hungry. Reinvigorated.
You have shown them what's possible, simply by showing up as you are.
I’m convinced that we need each other for this reason more than any: to act as little guideposts for one another. Every single thing you do becomes a beacon for someone else: That business you launch. That thing you tweet. The way you say no, and the way you say yes, and the enthusiasm with which you walk through this world.
(Side note: enthusiasm is not to be mocked; it’s a change agent as profound as any.)
This is why I write, you know. Not because I like hearing the sound of my own voice, but because I like hearing the echo of yours.
This is why we’re all here, I think. Not because we are so vain as to presume that our opinion matters, and our selfie is the best of ALL the selfies (writing is a verbal selfie, you know), but because by sending ours out into the universe, we hope to find our image reflected back at us.
We want to be seen, so we can be found.
Everything you do today?
Is not just an act, but a flare.
Helping someone else find their way home.
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October 28, 2020
You Don’t Exist to Please Dipshits
You know how when you meet someone, and they give you this snotty little look like, “you’re a fucking freak,� and then you start wondering, �AM I A FUCKING FREAK?! IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?� And you’re so quick to second guess yourself instead of second guessing the constipated stuck up instead?
I hate moments like those.
When I was young, I thought that any person who looked at me sideways was looking at me sideways because something about me was wrong. Too loud, too silly, too sweary, too sweaty (that too), too opinionated, too cheery, too young, too fat, too dressed up, too dressed down, too much, too much, TOO. MUCH.
Too not for them.
As such:
If you were quiet, I’d try to be quieter…to please you.
If you spoke in a formal register, I’d speak in a formal register� to please you.
If you were a fast-talkin� city slicker, I’d be a fast-talkin� city slicker…to please you.
It was only when I found people like me, who were naturally silly and goofy and sarcastic and banter-ey and completely over the top, that I ever really felt like myself.
Until I got older. And I became an adult. And I was on par with all of these other adults, with their cars and their houses and their jobs and their credit cards, when I realized that: (a) Most people are dipshits and; (b) I wasn’t too much—they were too little.
It never occurred to me that the people looking at me, judging me, could be wrong.
And sometimes, even if only by sheer probability, I’d be right at least 50% of the time.
Now that I know this, it makes life so much simpler. You make cross-eyes at me, I automatically assume something’s wrong with you, not me. (Well, USUALLY—unless I’m sneaking gin into a national park somewhere.) This subtle little shift in perspective has saved me more times than I can count. Because when you get out there in this world, there’s always going to be someone trying to break you down. Always going to be someone who’s jealous or shitty or unfair or actually out of their goddamn minds. And what, are you going to let that stop you? Shrink you? Put you back into your shell?
You have the right to exist as you are.
Being a chameleon might seem like a good thing, until you realize it doesn’t make you versatile: it makes you invisible.
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October 16, 2020
[New Podcast 🎤] Abortion, Guns, God & Pussies—And Is Civil War Inevitable?
Okay, so I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU. So, so much. (Besides the fact that “Abortion, Gods, Gun & Pussies� is definitely going to be my new personal tagline.)
Right now I’m on the ground in the Appalachian mountains, driving (with extremely careful COVID precautions) through a series of rural southern towns in an effort to investigate small-town America and the narratives driving conservative voters and how it all fits into the greater�fabric of things. (See for pics as we go!)
I’ve got sooooo much I want to share with you, but in the meantime, as we make our way home to Philadelphia, you have got to listen to I recorded with the founder of (Los Angeles-based producer of courses with Russell Brand, Sophia Amoruso, Deepak Chopra, etc.) all about the different ways rural conservative America and urban liberal America view the world, the hidden human needs of Trump supporters (and why Trump’s brand has been effective, despite traditional Christian values), and why the psychological component is more important than any one policy.
Seriously—Jeff is so damn smart. He’s able to articulate issues I hadn’t yet considered, and the discussion that evolved between us was one that, I think, merits your time. (You know I hardly ever send you podcast episodes of myself talking. 
)
Pop in your earbuds and go for a morning walk or throw it on while you make lunch! Here’s again.
I’m trying like hell to serve as a cross-cultural interpreter—let me know how you think I did. 
Have a great weekend, and be sure follow along on our journey over on . See you there, hustle swan!!!
-Ash
The post appeared first on .
[New Podcast
Okay, so I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU. So, so much. (Besides the fact that “Abortion, Gods, Gun & Pussies� is definitely going to be my new personal tagline.)
Right now I’m on the ground in the Appalachian mountains, driving (with extremely careful COVID precautions) through a series of rural southern towns in an effort to investigate small-town America and the narratives driving conservative voters and how it all fits into the greater�fabric of things. (See for pics as we go!)
I’ve got sooooo much I want to share with you, but in the meantime, as we make our way home to Philadelphia, you have got to listen to I recorded with the founder of (Los Angeles-based producer of courses with Russell Brand, Sophia Amoruso, Deepak Chopra, etc.) all about the different ways rural conservative America and urban liberal America view the world, the hidden human needs of Trump supporters (and why Trump’s brand has been effective, despite traditional Christian values), and why the psychological component is more important than any one policy.
Seriously—Jeff is so damn smart. He’s able to articulate issues I hadn’t yet considered, and the discussion that evolved between us was one that, I think, merits your time. (You know I hardly ever send you podcast episodes of myself talking.
[New Podcast
Okay, so I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU. So, so much. (Besides the fact that “Abortion, Gods, Gun & Pussies� is definitely going to be my new personal tagline.)
Right now I’m on the ground in the Appalachian mountains, driving (with extremely careful COVID precautions) through a series of rural southern towns in an effort to investigate small-town America and the narratives driving conservative voters and how it all fits into the greater�fabric of things. (See for pics as we go!)
I’ve got sooooo much I want to share with you, but in the meantime, as we make our way home to Philadelphia, you have got to listen to I recorded with the founder of (Los Angeles-based producer of courses with Russell Brand, Sophia Amoruso, Deepak Chopra, etc.) all about the different ways rural conservative America and urban liberal America view the world, the hidden human needs of Trump supporters (and why Trump’s brand has been effective, despite traditional Christian values), and why the psychological component is more important than any one policy.
Seriously—Jeff is so damn smart. He’s able to articulate issues I hadn’t yet considered, and the discussion that evolved between us was one that, I think, merits your time. (You know I hardly ever send you podcast episodes of myself talking.
[New Podcast
Okay, so I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU. So, so much. (Besides the fact that “Abortion, Gods, Gun & Pussies� is definitely going to be my new personal tagline.)
Right now I’m on the ground in the Appalachian mountains, driving (with extremely careful COVID precautions) through a series of rural southern towns in an effort to investigate small-town America and the narratives driving conservative voters and how it all fits into the greater�fabric of things. (See for pics as we go!)
I’ve got sooooo much I want to share with you, but in the meantime, as we make our way home to Philadelphia, you have got to listen to I recorded with the founder of (Los Angeles-based producer of courses with Russell Brand, Sophia Amoruso, Deepak Chopra, etc.) all about the different ways rural conservative America and urban liberal America view the world, the hidden human needs of Trump supporters (and why Trump’s brand has been effective, despite traditional Christian values), and why the psychological component is more important than any one policy.
Seriously—Jeff is so damn smart. He’s able to articulate issues I hadn’t yet considered, and the discussion that evolved between us was one that, I think, merits your time. (You know I hardly ever send you podcast episodes of myself talking.
[New Podcast
Okay, so I have SO MUCH TO TELL YOU. So, so much. (Besides the fact that “Abortion, Gods, Gun & Pussies� is definitely going to be my new personal tagline.)
Right now I’m on the ground in the Appalachian mountains, driving (with extremely careful COVID precautions) through a series of rural southern towns in an effort to investigate small-town America and the narratives driving conservative voters and how it all fits into the greater�fabric of things. (See for pics as we go!)
I’ve got sooooo much I want to share with you, but in the meantime, as we make our way home to Philadelphia, you have got to listen to I recorded with the founder of (Los Angeles-based producer of courses with Russell Brand, Sophia Amoruso, Deepak Chopra, etc.) all about the different ways rural conservative America and urban liberal America view the world, the hidden human needs of Trump supporters (and why Trump’s brand has been effective, despite traditional Christian values), and why the psychological component is more important than any one policy.
Seriously—Jeff is so damn smart. He’s able to articulate issues I hadn’t yet considered, and the discussion that evolved between us was one that, I think, merits your time. (You know I hardly ever send you podcast episodes of myself talking.
