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This is going to be the only #BehindTheScenes for the month. I will continue doing some videos, updates on the events and the oddball things. This episode will explain why...

So, to be honest, I never liked the holidays.

It is long, overwhelming and unhappy. I never like doing anything because I am focused on my son. I've had some very bad years too. My extended family tried to make the days loving and bright. But there was only so much that could be done.

As I got older, I ignored it and ran to a friend's house. After Calvin was born, I had to turn my head around. I HAD to make it happy for my son. While it took some years before he could appreciate the holidays, I tried to always have a smile on my face, no matter what. Brian and I always planned special traditions and that made it better for me. I can forget the past with the smile on my son's face.

But seeing the same people who caused you harm does not make it better. Sometimes, it is unavoidable because family gathers where the glue stays. Triggers happen. Tears fall. And then, there is an argument with your other half while your kid bounces in the back seat...

This year, we decided to take it easy and do as little as possible. While we will still see family, we are drawing many boundaries. Hopefully, it will be more peaceful than previous years. I wish that the patterns we are used to vanish. When you survive trauma, you sometimes envy those with normal families

But then, I am reminded of the most important thing in my life: MY FAMILY. Because we are trying to be normal and loving. Because we are trying to shake off the heavy cloak of dysfunction. Depression is heavy. You cannot always let it go, but you can look at things differently.

Be kind. Be patient. You don't know what people are going through. Sometimes, all that is needed is one gesture...and you can make or break a day.

In case I do not return to the blog until the New Year...stay safe, everyone. Enjoy your holidays! Comment about your traditions.

#HappyHolidays #NotWonderful #Depression #YesVirginiaThereIsASantaClaus #SpecialNeedsMom

Here in the US, a joyous Thanksgiving. There will be no #BehindTheScenes today.

Thank you, everyone, for watching my exercises in gratitude. I have more to be thankful for, and more to reflect upon, because of this. Stayed tune for more! Author Quest will continue and there will be more updates, info and news in the coming weeks.

Namaste!

#Thanksgiving #Holidays #PumpkinPie #Turkey #Cranberries #Family #Love

It's Thursday again, and we are #BehindTheScenes. This has to do with me personally and professionally. It's about technology, and how much I love it and hate it. Why? Read on...

I was born in the late 80's, so technology evolved SOOOOOO quickly when I was growing up. I was caught between a lot of worlds. Even my parents were learning new things, but they could not always afford it. We had to share computers. I did not have my own cell until I was working on my own and in college. My parents did not believe in us having them.

Knowing that, imagine having the childhood outdoors and in. I retained some of the old values my parents held (the good ones anyway). I also understood that they raised me in a world that no longer exists...and some of it never did. Getting into new technology for me takes time. I get used to something and then it all changes. I also have to keep updating.

I am simple. Phone and laptop. I write on my laptop (with notes by my side) and use the phone to communicate with all of you. I try the best I can to be tech savvy and keep up with the latest. And sometimes, it takes the slightest convenience to make me happy. No, seriously. Some of the latest things are so awesome and make life simpler. For example...DICTION! I love it when my hands hurt.

But what I hate is how it is so involved with our lives. NOBODY has the perfect balance (that I know of anyway). Our lives are dependent on technology! If someone hacked in our systems, everything could be lost. I could be simpler. The wifi goes down, everyone goes nuts, even me! I need the internet for my work...and that is scary.

And just to let you know: yes, I do have a tech support. My husband works on my appliances. If he does not know, we try the other one: our son. Calvin is very good with fixing gadgets.

To add: I am not a technophobe. Just annoyed, like any other aging person, how everything changes all the time. Sometimes, we long for simpler times...

Namaste!

#Technology #NotAPhobia #WindowsOrApple #EvolvingTooFast #MicrosoftWord

Ahh, the question that EVERYONE asks me: where do your ideas come from? Well, it is a little complicated. There are many angles to it. This #BehindTheScenes will explain it all...

Everything inspires me. I am an observant person, sometimes a little too much for my own good. I overthink a lot too, and ask lots of questions. Sometimes, my dreams form a story and I get intrigued and want to follow the idea. There is always history too! Pieces of characters, emotions, things I've learned.

I first began writing fan fiction. I still do sometimes. There are ways to rethink your favorite shows, movies and books! But I wanted to expand beyond that. While A World So Bright and Dark did not reach that far, the Wrapped in the Rays of the Sun series helped. Using that same world/character building that professional writers and directors did before me set an example...and I set my style.

I will take Casting Shadows as the example. Some of what I wrote was based off of history, current events and more.

The physical features of Nora and Jayne were from secondary sources about Mary and Anne Boleyn (of Henry VIII of England fame). Jayne's fate was the same as Anne Boleyn's, although she was proven guilty. Losing her mother to the sword was also something Nora shared with Queen Elizabeth I of England. She also tried to honor her mother's memory. While I have lost my own mother in some fashion, I also honor the past and who she is. King Gerald of Klenard was a composite of several kings throughout history, such as Henry VIII of England, Francis II of France and even the current King, Charles III of England. He also reminded me of several veterans I met throughout my years. "Mother Church" grew into a perverted version of the Vatican and the pope and research into the Middle East. This is NOT meant to offend anyone, but show an exaggeration of selfishness, gluttony, abuse, etc. And yes, I am aware much of it happened, and in our lifetimes too. I am not debating it. Having as many children as one could was the norm in many cultures when death in childhood was common. Using men and resources in faraway places was based off of the Crusades.

I think you all get the point.

Have a wonderful Thursday, everyone. Namaste!

#BackToBasics #History #FictionWriter #Ideas #TooMuch

Well, I realized that I did not add much to the announcements on my social media yesterday.

So...

For the moment, Howard's Bookstore will no longer consign my books. I have not decided if I will replace them after Through the Meadow is published. You can only buy my books on Amazon. THAT IS THE BESY WAY to get my books and the ONLY WAY to get them. Reviews are, again, appreciated! I am on Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ too. I will add that to my social media links in a bit.

Yes, I am going to be one of the many authors for the Indie Author Event at the Norwalk Public Library. I will be there tomorrow, first thing in the morning. I do not know how long I am staying, but at least until the library closes. Please check it out! There will be many more other than me!!!!!

And finally, Through the Meadow, the child I've been growing. The date of release is December 8, a year after The Circle is Broken. All I can say is, my father-in-law will have this book in his hands before his birthday this year (December 16)...and it will be in your hands before the holidays too. Stay tuned! The Klenard Saga continues!

Namaste, everyone! Love you!

#Announcements #NotBehindTheScenes #OffIGo

Just when you thought that I was running out of ideas, think twice. I'm pulling back the curtain again and revealing more #BehindTheScenes. You know, I'd get to my writing process eventually. This one has to do with notes...

Sometimes, I post pictures of my notes. Unlike most authors, I DO buy pretty notepads and I DO love to use them. It took me a bit to get over that hump. Once I did, though, it was amazing. I was able to keep track of details in my books, connect the dots, and make up characters, family trees, towns and more. With a series like this, I could not keep it all in my head alone!

Often, you will see note cards, stickie notes and different colored tabs and paragraphs. I did that on purpose. It actually helps me find the notes. If something was a specific color, coded by a tab, then I could find it again and connect it to the next point. Sometimes, I get ahead of myself and make notes for other books too. And yes, I am checking every one, in case I need it for another book!

Not to mention, I put a list in the inside front cover. I number each notepad and write down the books I am working on underneath. I do add ideas that came in dreams in the back too. Sometimes, for prequels and sequels, I make mention in the cover and mark the place.

When you are working, do you have something that helps you remember? Do you use paper or technology? Are there other creature comforts that helped? Or, did you go remote and never returned to the office?

#Workaholic #AuthorAtWork #ShortAndSweet #WritingProcess #Notepads #Stickies #TooManyDetails

This is another thing that is always a difficult topic for me to discuss. As a domestic violence survivor, it is also the hardest thing for me to have. It is not just the wrong people I pick in my life, those who keep me out of sentimental value or they feel sorry for me. It is myself.

I will not go into what happened and who did what. There were more people at fault than many believed. But the biggest one is myself. Yes, it is my fault too! And why?

If I cannot trust anyone, I will push everyone away.

When I was younger, I was squished into a small ball. Expressing my feelings was taboo. I was neglected. It was difficult to get close to anyone, and it still is. I prefer to take on the mom role and pretend everything is going all right (me counting my blessings sort of thing). I am embarrassed when people do things for me. I am up to where people can say, "Happy Birthday" to me and my husband and son can give me gifts and I am ok with it.

But it made me realize my value. The people around me DO reflect who I am. And in reflection, I did get a little selfish. I mean, what does it tell you when your own family cannot even call when you are the only one trying? Your friends on Facebook do not even want to be bothered with your career change? There are always excuses when you drop everything yourself?

This past year, I had a mental breakdown. I have been diagnosed with chronic illnesses. The trauma I inflicted upon myself came to an ugly head (and I am still experiencing more). I also stopped reaching out to many people and blocked even more. After checking in on everyone almost everyday, I found I was the only one screaming and I could be a creep about it. Boundaries also keep me from telling most what is going on. I learned my lesson with someone I knew.

I found that it was one thing to be busy with your life. Everybody has that issue. We work, play and get sucked into our own drama. Even I do! But I found that I juggled so much, and everyone knew it, but not one hand came out. And I am not talking about taking my kid when I have work and school at the same time (which I did have at one point). Not one word from anyone other than "I admire your strength" from two people and that was from this past year.

I mean, I know this is a compliment. But I do not want to be a model for overworking and have it labeled as strength. It is NOT! It made me sick and still is.

Support makes the difference success and failure. When we do not cheer each other on, help the underdog, we are as guilty as those we point the finger at. Community is important. Family (whoever that is to you) is important. We must remember that they will come for us too. Silence will not help in the end.

Namaste!

#SupportYourLocalFreaks #TheOutcasts #AloneAndLovingIt #FewInMyCircle #LittleSupport #DoNotUnderstand #MovingOn

We all have an opinion about siblings, no matter if we had them or not. We are upset and annoyed. We want to hug them. And we cannot live without them. Sound familiar?

I will speak of one of my siblings, my younger brother. I have an older sister. I will talk about her later. My brother, Dan, is exactly a year and four days younger than I am. My earliest memories of him were being woken up for school by him. We used to share a room together, the three of us, and he was the youngest.

When you grew up in a narcissist household, it is difficult to describe where one thing ends and another begins. Relationships shift often and the narcissist chooses who gets to be what. Growing up, Dan and I never got along. He had his own room. He was the only boy. He also got away with anything!

And what did I have? Living in a poor family as I did, not much compared to him. Lesser clothes and attention and I was not male. Polish families are notorious for favoring males. And well, I was not the golden child, but neither was he.

A story I remember was from when I was a senior in high school. They were doing pictures of seniors who had siblings in the school. My brother and I obviously fit the bill. So, while everyone else posed with hugs and love, we showed ours differently.

Dan is tall, like over six feet sort of tall, and he has big feet. I am big boned and kinda short at 5'4. So, hugs were not in order. I looked like I was going to punch him. He towered over me, taunting me. It looked like he was going for the hit too.

The thing is, we still were not getting along at the time. We agreed on this. The photographer was horrified, of course, but we explained that we had to tell the truth. We were not the loving siblings everyone else pretended to be. We had to be us.

And we still do it today. We do get along a lot better these days. We are working through the trauma too. And this week, he is physically here. I can hug him (with his permission, of course)!

Namaste!

And that was it! Since returning, James had been faithful, pious and kind, and I could not help but wonder if he truly committed a crime. As my husband, he protected my interests and the children’s (although I do not think he saw them more than an hour a week). His days inside were spent laughing in his rooms and helping me with the papers he could touch.

T

he nagging did not go away. I had to ask James! I found my chance. We were in bed together, with only Pelkey barking in the other room. James laid beside me, tired. As he panted from behind and promised me another son, I asked him if he did it.

James vowed to me that he did not wrong. “I was drugged,� he claimed as he finished. “The woman charmed me.�

“You were drinking, I was told,� I replied carefully. “How could you know she was giving you anything?�

James shuddered. He moaned. He kept shaking behind me. On the other side of the door, Pelkey barked louder. His little claws scratched.

James slapped me on the hip and pulled out. Blood and seed dribbled. Dizzy, I collapsed on the bed. I looked up at my husband and hoped that he gave me the right answer.

Do you want the truth, or do you want him to lie and say he was good?

I did not know.

“Of course, I was drinking,� James argued softly. “But it was not like that, Miranda! There is a point where I knew where I was and what I was doing. I was thrown off of my horse. I landed in the woods before her home. She was above me. Someone was holding me down.�

He told a story about being bound by powers that were not of this world. A cup of bitter liquid was forced down his throat. He blacked out and remembered being tortured by powers God swore no human should have. There, the woman and many others danced around him and chanted the words of Satan.

James swore that this woman was a true witch!

“She could not touch the Word of God,� he finished. “I tried praying, but she stopped me by choking me.�

It was unreal. James’s side of things sounded so silly! Witches did not exist. I almost giggled. It pointed out to me that James was guilty. Then, horror washed over me. It means that I was married to a rapist!

What will I do?

After that night, I told myself: I did not want to be a wife and mother that runs away from her duty. I had two handsome, healthy sons, against all of the odds, and both of them will be the heirs to two towns. It is the ultimate dreams of every woman to have such a luxury, I reasoned to myself. I could not ruin my marriage.

What other choice did I have?

When the cooling season started, Poppa Henry walked around Jennie House, disappointed. Then, he left and remained in Brenton for some weeks. He claimed that there was business he had to tend to, but I knew better. He had to get away from James. Brenton and the Earls need answers and Poppa Henry had to take care of it.

They were disappointed in Poppa Henry’s answers. His speeches and letters about “justice running its wheels� was not very well received. On his way back to Shaeriden, people threatened him. He was ambushed many times. At the Shaeriden border, some of the Army challenged him. Poppa Henry could report it all he wanted, but it was not going to do any good. No matter what was said or done, nobody believed that James was innocent.

It all changed for us too. In the last days mourning for Poppa, our letters of condolences turned into threats and dirty pictures. I ignored them until some of them showed James being lynched. The next ones were of me burning in a pyre next to him. I hid in my rooms all day, but I knew that it would not solve anything. Poppa Henry suggested using the means we had. I had to tell the Elmwood.

I was going to post this last week, but I was fried. It brings back the point of this special #BehindTheScenes and why this world has changed. It is not that technology or anything has changed us. We have become more aware of who we are, and that is disturbing...

Of course, like many people, I have mental health problems. Mine stemmed from long-term abuse that mainly stopped when I was 22. The end results, over 11 years later, are still a work in progress. Even though I've had thoughts of suicide at times in the past, I still got through it somehow. How it happened, I will keep close to my heart. But there are so many people out there, who have taught me what not to be. And this has shaped who I am now.

"A World So Bright and Dark", as I've said, was not all pure fiction...

I have depression, anxiety, C-PTSD and OCD. In the past, I have harmed myself in various ways and I have tried to commit suicide. I am not saying this for attention. I am saying this because I am not afraid to say that I have diseases in my head. And it reminded me of a turning point in my life this year...

I had a feeling of finality last year. Death, rebirth, SOMETHING. It was going to happen in February. And it happened. But on the way, I read a book, "Daughter Detox". All of a sudden, much of my life made sense. Some parents have the possibility of being unloving and that does pass to children. It could have passed to my son, but my husband and I worked on never letting it happened.

When you are self-aware, it is difficult. Sometimes, you realize too late that your normal behavior was toxic and you lost people on the way. But how you proceed is the way you make it. How will mental health improve if we do not explore all of the avenues of treatment and how it changes the human condition?

How has mental health affected your life?

Namaste!

#MentalHealth #MeToo #ISurvived #NoMore #NarcissistAbuse #SavedMyLife #ItsMyFaultToo