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When people think of CEOs, the general perception is that they have it made.

But what happens when the reality is different then the perception?

The concerns of those who have made it to the top are easy to dismiss. But many CEOs are plagued by feelings of isolation once they take on the top job.Ìý

Half report experiencing feelings of loneliness in their role, and 61 percent of those who experience loneliness believe it hinders their performance.

Those just moving into the top ranks are particularly susceptible—nearly 70 percent of first-time CEOs who experience loneliness report that the feelings negatively affect their performance.

These feelings are not limited to CEOs. Isolation and loneliness can occur in anyone with newfound authority. Leaders owe it to themselves � and to their organizations � to make sure this isolation does not interfere with their effectiveness. �

Those who feel isolated can come across as aloof and distant, leading to a reputation as a leader who is uninterested and cold—which, in turn, makes it harder to lead.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are things you can do to counter any feelings of isolation and loneliness that result from your level of responsibility:

Loneliness is a human condition, as leaders we must learn to cultivate it.

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Face Reality: Simply acknowledging your feelings of loneliness or isolation can be a relief in itself. Constantly denying these emotions in exchange for a (false) sense of self-assurance is exhausting. Take a moment each day to process and accept how complex, and even frightening, your responsibilities can be. Accepting your reality and feelings is the first step in dealing with them.

Open Yourself To Trust. It takes a lot of trust to break the cycle of isolation and become more open, especially when you are the leader. The trust to open up requires a level of vulnerability that can be difficult to allow, but it’s essential to your happiness and effectiveness. Start small if you need to, but start somewhere.

Find A Support Group: Cultivate a group of trusted advisors from among your peers and create a support group that will help you and others in the same position. Other sources of support may include a great coach, friends, people in other industries. Make a list of those you can reach out to.

Speak Your Thoughts:. If you have ever been to therapy, or even shared an intimate conversation with a close friend, you know that as soon as you tell someone what has been weighing on your chest you start to feel better.

Feel Your Feelings: Your heart expresses the language of feelings, our feelings allow our senses to summarize what our mind interprets, arranges, and directs us to feel.

Our heart has its feelings, not to feel is not to be alive.

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Isolation causes the loneliness, and it takes trust, bravery, and vulnerability to overcome.

CEOs and other top leaders go to great lengths to maintain a facade of unflappable confidence, concealing any insecurities or anxiety. But this cycle creates dangerous problems for both the leader and the organization.

Leaders simply cannot afford to ignore doubts and anxieties that put their organization’s success at risk—not to mention their own happiness.

Now is the time for leaders to acknowledge these feelings and work to triumph over them.

Our reality cannot be comprehended without taking into account our feelings.

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Lead From Within: Wherever you are, stay connected to what you’re feeling and hold yourself open to finding ways to work through it.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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Difficult conversations with difficult people come in all sorts of situations and circumstances.Ìý Often they involve a sensitive topic, and we worry about finding the perfect time and perfect place to approach it.

So how do you engage in a difficult conversation with a difficult person?

The answer is in the heart.

Anything that can be felt can be communicated, and anything that can be communicated can be managed.

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My method of Redden Mit h’arzTM, translated from Yiddish, means “speak from the heart.� It can help you keep things positive and productive when entering a difficult conversation with a difficult person.

Speaking from the heart is not about the right time or place but about doing the right thing. It does not need to be role-played or practiced, because it comes straight from the heart.

Here are the fundamentals:

Be available: listen without having an agenda or assumptions.

Don’t think Here we go again—I will never get a chance to speak.

Be attentive: listen deeply to everything that is being said. Don’t be dismissive.

Don’t think Same as always—he always has to be right .

Be articulate: Repeat what was said, with vivid and great articulation.

Make it so vivid and expressive that your partner says, “Wow, you get me. I wish I had put it that way.�

Don’t think I’ve heard this a thousand times before.

Next, Acquiesce: Let your partner know you understand his side completely.

Don’t think I can never have a say because he won’t let me state my point.

Acquire: Tell your partner all the things that you’ve just learned from listening to him. Sincerely let him know what you have learned from the conversation.

Don’t think He always thinks he knows everything.

By now, you have placed your difficult conversation with a difficult person in a different context.

You have made room for acknowledgment, appreciation, and approval.

Speak from the heart. Open the space for being heard.

When you speak from the heart the communication is about the other, not so much about you.

When you speak from the heart it is not about reacting but about being interactive.

When you speak from the heart it’s not about frustration but about staying engaged and connected.

When you speak from the heart there are no assumptions or judgment. You are just relating on a deeper level.

When in a bind, allow the heart to lead and let the mind follow.

ÌýSpeak your mind but let your heart do the talking.

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Lead from Within: In business, as in life, difficult conversations happen—with employees, peers, bosses, suppliers and customers, and with a partner or spouse, children, friends. To ignore or handle them badly can bring irreversible damage. Let the heart speak where difficulty resides.

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As a coach, I love listening to the stories leaders tell. Hearing these stories is a great way to get to know someone. It’s always interesting to see how they compare to what I might see or what others experience.

Most of the time, I can tell what kind of leader someone is, and where their insecurities lie, by the stories they tell.

Some leaders need to always be the center of attention.



Insecure about not being heard, they make it impossible not to hear them.

Some leaders need to always be right and have trouble with other points of view.

Insecure that their own information or perspective might not be the best, they make sure their opinion is the only one that counts.

Some leaders need to take all the credit, even for work others have done.

Insecure about the value of their own talents, gifts, and self-worth, they require constant affirmation.

Some leaders engage in bullying, tyranny, and intimidation.

Insecure about their own loneliness, they relate to others only through a limited range of behaviors.Ìý

Some leaders are quick to place blame.

Insecure about their own ability to weather mistakes, they cannot focus on problem solving.

As you can tell, leadership is not an external event but an internal narration.

We all have insecurities, but how we deal with them is a choice.

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We can own them and work through them, or we can display them without self-awareness and allow them to lead us.

As a leader, learning your insecurities is part of your personal and leadership development—and it is a not a simple task.

Our realities come from deep within us, from the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Recognizing and working through our insecurities is an important part of being a heart-based leader.

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The heart of leadership is to nurture the whole person, to grow the whole leader.

Here’s how to get there:

Pay attention: Listen to your own stories and figure out what insecurities they’re revealing. If you don’t have a clear sense of your own insecurities, ask a trusted advisor for their thoughts.

Break the habit: Develop new habits that resolve your insecurities and showcase your heart to those you lead.

Forgive yourself: Once you realize that your insecurities are showing, forgive yourself for being human and know through awareness and forgiveness you can do better.

One of the greatest journeys in life is learning to overcome our insecurities—and in doing so, we begin to reveal our gifts.

Go inward and discover heart; go outward and discover your gifts.

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Personal and leadership development is not easy. It takes guts and it takes a strong heart.

Our deepest learning comes from inside out.

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As leaders, when we are honest about our insecurities we become vulnerable in our state of development. Attention to our own experiences can provide insights into the ways we can grow.

Dig deep within yourself and uncover the gifts you have.

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Lead From Within: As a heart-based leader, we understand as the person grows so does the leader. Recognizing our inner narratives, working on our awareness, and finding the balance of our inside-out leadership lead us to our own heart.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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In 2000 under the leadership of CEO John Chambers, CiscoÌýwas at the top of the game. For a couple of days its market cap was number one in the world.

Then in early 2001 came an industry-wide crash, and suddenly Cisco was near death.

Chambers later said that if somebody had told him they would go from 70 percent growth to minus 30 percent growth in 40 days, he would have said it was mathematically impossible.

The company was in a free fall. At its peak in 2000 Cisco stock was $80 a share. By 2002, it was down to $9.42.

Cisco was in deep trouble. But Chambers was intent on turning things around. And he went on to make some great judgment calls.

Within five years, the stock had rebounded to $28 a share with market capitalization of $170 billion.

Chambers� judgment helped produce one of the most dramatic turnarounds in business history. But this CEO whose leadership transformed and revitalized the company was the same one who was at the helm when it tanked.

And for Chambers, the task was to figure out where he had gone wrong and how to correct the situation. He needed to figure out what had brought them to the bottom.

What brought you here won’t get you there.

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Many said he should have sensed and identified theÌýcrisis earlier, because the signals were there.

But leaders are human, thank God. And because we are human, we sometimes have blinders. We get attached to people. Our view of the facts can become distorted, and we don’t want to believe the worst can happen. But when the day comes that you look around and realize it has happened, what do you do?

Chambers crafted his comeback using a four-point strategy:

Make heart based judgment calls by processing, preparing, planning and proceeding.

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Process: First he framed what had happened, and what was occurring in the present.ÌýHe listened, he observed, he learned, he thought.

Prepare:Ìý After assessing all that had occurred, he began laying the groundwork for what needed to happen next. Extensive discussions took place and judgments began to form.

Plan: Then came the time for decisions. Chambersâ€� plan involvedÌýdeep staff cuts and a moratorium on acquisitions. But he was also insistent on changing how the company worked together, breaking down silos and reversing the free-spending culture.

Proceed: As he carried out his plan, he kept his focus on a single goal: saving the company.

A good judgment call doesn’t happen with a simple adjustment here and there. It requires complex adjustments, putting together all the pieces to create a plan that can be successfully executed.

It requires the ability to sense and learn—which are the same abilities that can best help to prevent a crisis from forming.

A great leader is always sensing and learning.

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Heart-based leaders already know how to do these things, because they represent the wisdom of the heart. As you’re processing, preparing, planning and proceeding through any situation, learn to trust what you’re sensing and your ability to separate the important signals from the unimportant.

Lead From Within: Heart-based leaders sense and make good judgment calls well before circumstances become a crisis. Climbing is the only cure for gravity.

For coaching, consulting, workshops and speaking.

© 2013 Lolly Daskal. All rights reserved.

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