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How to Walk into a Room: The Art of Knowing When to Stay and When to Walk Away
New York TimesBestseller
If life were a house, then every room holds a story. What do we do when a room we’re in is no longer a room where we belong?
What do you do when you start to feel a shift and must decide if it’s time to make a change? When it comes to navigating big decisions about when to stay and go, how can we know for sure when the time is right? Though we enter and exit many rooms over the course of our life—jobs, relationships, communities, life stages—knowing how and when it’s time to leave is a decision that rarely has a clear answer.
Podcast host, spiritual director, and bestselling author of The Next Right Thing, Emily P. Freeman offers guidance to help us recognize when it’s time to move on from situations that no longer fit, allowing us to find new spaces where we can flourish and grow.
How to Walk Into a Room helps us begin to uncover the silent, nuanced, and hidden arrows for anyone asking questions How do I know if it’s time to move on? What if I stay and nothing changes? What if I leave and everything falls apart?
Through thought-provoking questions,spiritual practices, and personal stories, How to Walk into a Roomwill help you to know and name the caution flags in your current spaces, discern the difference between true peace and discomfort avoidance, navigate endings even when there is no closure, find peacefor when you feel ready but it isn’t time,and courage for when it’s time but you don’t feel ready.
For anyone standing in a threshold, here’s a book to help discern the how, when, and what now of walking out of rooms and into new ones with peace, confidence, and a whole heart.
If life were a house, then every room holds a story. What do we do when a room we’re in is no longer a room where we belong?
What do you do when you start to feel a shift and must decide if it’s time to make a change? When it comes to navigating big decisions about when to stay and go, how can we know for sure when the time is right? Though we enter and exit many rooms over the course of our life—jobs, relationships, communities, life stages—knowing how and when it’s time to leave is a decision that rarely has a clear answer.
Podcast host, spiritual director, and bestselling author of The Next Right Thing, Emily P. Freeman offers guidance to help us recognize when it’s time to move on from situations that no longer fit, allowing us to find new spaces where we can flourish and grow.
How to Walk Into a Room helps us begin to uncover the silent, nuanced, and hidden arrows for anyone asking questions How do I know if it’s time to move on? What if I stay and nothing changes? What if I leave and everything falls apart?
Through thought-provoking questions,spiritual practices, and personal stories, How to Walk into a Roomwill help you to know and name the caution flags in your current spaces, discern the difference between true peace and discomfort avoidance, navigate endings even when there is no closure, find peacefor when you feel ready but it isn’t time,and courage for when it’s time but you don’t feel ready.
For anyone standing in a threshold, here’s a book to help discern the how, when, and what now of walking out of rooms and into new ones with peace, confidence, and a whole heart.
232 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 12, 2024
875 people are currently reading
5,405 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 508 reviews
April 11, 2024
I was enjoying this book until she revealed why she left her church. I finished the book because I thought that even though I didn’t agree with her reasoning, there were possibly some good nuggets to glean. There were.
I was actually thinking about buying the book for a friend until her revelation. Her reason for her change in theology was due to proximity and I find that really sad. So when something traumatic happens, a boldly professing Christian stops believing the word of God? She’s supposed to be a spiritual director and when something tough happens in her family, she stops believing what Scripture has to say on the topic, what she has known to be absolute truth, and then she condescends other’s understanding of true Scripture�.because of proximity? I find that reasoning to be so weak.
I don’t doubt the intense feelings she has for her family’s situation but she came across as kind of petty and that her understanding of Scripture was right and her former church had it wrong. God is not confused about His word and I hope that anyone reading this book actually dives into Scripture for the truth because Emily missed the mark here.
Compassion and love and truth are foundational to our faith. I’m not arguing that point. What I’m saying is that just because you have close proximity to challenging biblical truths, you don’t abandoned Scripture nor do you condescend others for staying true to it. You love others but you stay true to Scripture. I don’t believe her friend Jesus told her to walk out of that room for that reason. We don’t know the whole story but my hunch was that she started having inklings of her own family before she left her church.
I listened to the book on Audible and even after I finished the book, I did buy the hard copy so that I could reread some of the good nuggets she did provide.
If you’re looking for spiritual guidance with this book, you won’t find it. She has departed from truth. Now she’s just an author and podcaster with some good nuggets to share. And I’m sad about that.
I was actually thinking about buying the book for a friend until her revelation. Her reason for her change in theology was due to proximity and I find that really sad. So when something traumatic happens, a boldly professing Christian stops believing the word of God? She’s supposed to be a spiritual director and when something tough happens in her family, she stops believing what Scripture has to say on the topic, what she has known to be absolute truth, and then she condescends other’s understanding of true Scripture�.because of proximity? I find that reasoning to be so weak.
I don’t doubt the intense feelings she has for her family’s situation but she came across as kind of petty and that her understanding of Scripture was right and her former church had it wrong. God is not confused about His word and I hope that anyone reading this book actually dives into Scripture for the truth because Emily missed the mark here.
Compassion and love and truth are foundational to our faith. I’m not arguing that point. What I’m saying is that just because you have close proximity to challenging biblical truths, you don’t abandoned Scripture nor do you condescend others for staying true to it. You love others but you stay true to Scripture. I don’t believe her friend Jesus told her to walk out of that room for that reason. We don’t know the whole story but my hunch was that she started having inklings of her own family before she left her church.
I listened to the book on Audible and even after I finished the book, I did buy the hard copy so that I could reread some of the good nuggets she did provide.
If you’re looking for spiritual guidance with this book, you won’t find it. She has departed from truth. Now she’s just an author and podcaster with some good nuggets to share. And I’m sad about that.
May 1, 2024
I liked the next right thing and was excited to read this, but this was more of a memoir of her leaving her church. The value of the book was the list of questions to ask when considering leaving and the list when entering a new space. I think those are very helpful. I have no doubt this book will speak to many and empower them to take action, but not sure that will always be a good thing nor do I think this really offers most of what is needed to spiritually discern. The focus is on listening to yourself (which is part of discernment for sure) but it has heavy be true to yourself themes. There are a lot of opinions and advice that lack authority beyond subjective experience, yet it is framed as a spiritual formation and spiritual discernment practice from a Christian perspective. So overall I was disappointed by a lot of what was going on here even though the author writes vulnerably and thoughtfully. I have recommended the next right thing to others, but I could not recommend this one.
April 11, 2024
Emily is a very gifted writer. She has a unique way with words that captivates her reader. Unfortunately, embedded in a garden of flowery language, are the roots of bad theology.
It’s a sneaky thing though. Emily’s phrases are “almost� sound. And there are partial truths hidden throughout her work. She is careful not to offend anyone of any religion. She makes her book accessible across all faiths. Herein lies the problem.
The gospel is offensive. Jesus warns us that if the world hates us, it hated him first. When we dig into the gospel of the Christian faith, it offends other religions. Emily balances on the tightrope of people pleasing and what feels like New Age Christianity- careful not to vex anyone or provoke outrage.
Jesus did not once affirm sinners. He said, “Go and sin no more.� This day in age, people don’t like to hear that their lifestyles go against Biblical teaching. Everywhere you look, the world is affirming sin- affirming lifestyles that go against what Jesus taught. Unfortunately, today, a book like that, would not hit the NYTimes best sellers list.
And so, this one is not a 5-star read for me. I have, however, learned the art of chewing and spitting. And there is some meat here on the art of changing life seasons, and coming and going. However, there was a lot of fat in this book- a lot of gristle that tasted like weak theology and red herrings. I wanted to like this one- I really did- but it is a “no� from me.
It’s a sneaky thing though. Emily’s phrases are “almost� sound. And there are partial truths hidden throughout her work. She is careful not to offend anyone of any religion. She makes her book accessible across all faiths. Herein lies the problem.
The gospel is offensive. Jesus warns us that if the world hates us, it hated him first. When we dig into the gospel of the Christian faith, it offends other religions. Emily balances on the tightrope of people pleasing and what feels like New Age Christianity- careful not to vex anyone or provoke outrage.
Jesus did not once affirm sinners. He said, “Go and sin no more.� This day in age, people don’t like to hear that their lifestyles go against Biblical teaching. Everywhere you look, the world is affirming sin- affirming lifestyles that go against what Jesus taught. Unfortunately, today, a book like that, would not hit the NYTimes best sellers list.
And so, this one is not a 5-star read for me. I have, however, learned the art of chewing and spitting. And there is some meat here on the art of changing life seasons, and coming and going. However, there was a lot of fat in this book- a lot of gristle that tasted like weak theology and red herrings. I wanted to like this one- I really did- but it is a “no� from me.
April 11, 2024
Let me begin by saying I'm a long-time admirer of EPF and her work. I enjoy the concept of finding your next right thing, as she calls it, and this book is meant to take this topic a layer deeper. However, the "room" analogy really didn't work for me. It felt forced, clunky, and quite odd. I remember hearing the title for the first time and being confused—and I couldn't shake that confusion throughout the book. It also lacked more scriptural and theological reasoning than her other books, which I expected more of with her growing work as a spiritual director.
The one part of the book I liked was her chapter on Arrows and Answers, where she vulnerably shares her family's journey in deciding to leave their church. I wish there were more stories like this instead of returning to the odd analogy. I'm so bummed this fell flat for me. I'll still enjoy her podcast!
The one part of the book I liked was her chapter on Arrows and Answers, where she vulnerably shares her family's journey in deciding to leave their church. I wish there were more stories like this instead of returning to the odd analogy. I'm so bummed this fell flat for me. I'll still enjoy her podcast!
April 23, 2024
I wanted to love this book. I’ve been listening to the Next Right Thing podcast for years. My job is really hard right now and I was excited to read this book hoping for insight and practical ideas to help me navigate this journey. I wanted help to discern what is next. What I found instead was a lot of words not saying much. There were nuggets of truth and helpfulness but they were buried under too many words that were saying the same thing over and over with different verbiage. It was pretty much the story of why she left her church, it felt like she wanted written justification to feel better about that choice with a few tidbits thrown in. The format was similar to James Clears, Atomic Habits but where that book thrived this missed the mark. I have left churches in the past but I’ve not felt the need to post it on instagram and write a book upon leaving. A simple, I felt like I needed to leave would have sufficed. Overall, it fell very short of expectation.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 22, 2024
Beautifully written, of course—it’s Emily P. Freeman. I resonated strongly with the room metaphor and felt a sense of comfort, clarity, and hopeful inspiration throughout.
Not everyone will be able to identify with or connect with her specific experience, which is woven through the book, and more conservative readers may find parts of it off-putting and distracting.
However, regardless of whether or not one fully agrees or disagrees with various aspects, this book is a treasure trove of wisdom and discernment tools for those navigating spiritual trauma, deconstruction/reconstruction, or any significant life change that feels lonely and disorienting.
I suggest listening to this one, as it is read by the author, whose voice lends a gentle kindness to every word.
Not everyone will be able to identify with or connect with her specific experience, which is woven through the book, and more conservative readers may find parts of it off-putting and distracting.
However, regardless of whether or not one fully agrees or disagrees with various aspects, this book is a treasure trove of wisdom and discernment tools for those navigating spiritual trauma, deconstruction/reconstruction, or any significant life change that feels lonely and disorienting.
I suggest listening to this one, as it is read by the author, whose voice lends a gentle kindness to every word.
April 1, 2024
I wasn’t expecting this to speak to me directly, since I’m not currently considering walking out of or into any rooms. But it was 100% relevant to 100% of my life because it’s not really about staying anywhere or going anywhere, it’s about showing up wherever you are as your full self. Loved it. Will reread. I listened bc I live EpF’s voice but it’s very very underline-able.
March 26, 2024
Ugg, I am a fan of EPF and have read all her other work and have listened to her for years. I was excited about this book, but this book felt like a mashup of general overarching Spiritual Direction questions, emotional personal memoir and lots of metaphors and cliches. Which “could� work� but just didn’t. This book is densely formatted and jumps between these modes without transition (besides an arrow graphic between one paragraph to the next.) The chapters are without form and an easy way for you to apply it to your life. There is some wisdom in this book but it is buried in words.
I love the content and conversation Emily is having around this book—look those up! :)
This book is less accessible/applicable than her other work. It’s missing the clarity that EPF usually offers. This feels it was published before it was ready.
I love the content and conversation Emily is having around this book—look those up! :)
This book is less accessible/applicable than her other work. It’s missing the clarity that EPF usually offers. This feels it was published before it was ready.
April 26, 2024
If you’re looking for a Bible study with chapter and verse to tell you when to stay and when to walk away, this is not your book. But if you want a thoughtful guide that, while acknowledging the role God plays in our decisions, also pays attention to arrows, red flags, questions, our bodies, this is it. Illustrations from Freeman’s own story effectively demonstrates how to use her guiding principles.
May 18, 2024
Hmm. Much of Emily's advice and questions about discernment is spot on. However. I think she fails to give God's Word its proper place in our decision making. Without a right understanding of it, we can make some really thoughtful, intentional bad decisions.
January 10, 2025
January 2025 reread on kindle so I could take notes. Just as good the second time and applied to some different situations.
—Ĕ�
I loved this book and have been thinking about it for days. I imagine it would be most profound for those who find themselves on a threshold of change, but it would be relevant for anyone who has lived through a transition (chosen or not), made a big decision or anticipates change in the future (aka everyone). I found myself thinking back to seasons of change in my own life and felt affirmed in the struggles of these transitions. She also helped me give myself grace for things I wish I’d done differently.
I listened to the audio and Freeman’s voice truly made me feel like I was sitting in a session with a spiritual director (which she is). While I loved the audio experience I will definitely be purchasing a hard copy for myself to read again and take notes. She asks so many excellent questions that I’d like to write down and ponder longer.
All that being said - the book reads in part like memoir as Freeman uses the example of her own journey of leaving a church as illustration for the “room� metaphor. If her decision to leave because of difference of opinion about sexuality will be a distraction you cannot look beyond, this book probably isn’t for you. I think she handled it thoughtfully in a descriptive rather than prescriptive way, but you need to look no further than the 1-2 star reviews to find that not everyone had the same experience. While I don’t align 100% with everything she shares, I found SO much value in her process and practice that it did not detract from my overall reading of the book. I will heartily recommend it with these caveats in mind.
—Ĕ�
I loved this book and have been thinking about it for days. I imagine it would be most profound for those who find themselves on a threshold of change, but it would be relevant for anyone who has lived through a transition (chosen or not), made a big decision or anticipates change in the future (aka everyone). I found myself thinking back to seasons of change in my own life and felt affirmed in the struggles of these transitions. She also helped me give myself grace for things I wish I’d done differently.
I listened to the audio and Freeman’s voice truly made me feel like I was sitting in a session with a spiritual director (which she is). While I loved the audio experience I will definitely be purchasing a hard copy for myself to read again and take notes. She asks so many excellent questions that I’d like to write down and ponder longer.
All that being said - the book reads in part like memoir as Freeman uses the example of her own journey of leaving a church as illustration for the “room� metaphor. If her decision to leave because of difference of opinion about sexuality will be a distraction you cannot look beyond, this book probably isn’t for you. I think she handled it thoughtfully in a descriptive rather than prescriptive way, but you need to look no further than the 1-2 star reviews to find that not everyone had the same experience. While I don’t align 100% with everything she shares, I found SO much value in her process and practice that it did not detract from my overall reading of the book. I will heartily recommend it with these caveats in mind.
March 12, 2024
A gentle guidebook about discerning when to leave, when to stay, and when to enter new spaces, this is one you will relate to and learn from. In it, Emily shares her story of leaving her church, and while it is not a faith deconstruction memoir, she describes wrestling with trying to change the system, ultimately leaving, and making peace with theological curiosity, this "gathering without walls." I especially appreciated her chapter on self-leadership, because this process of leaving certainty and exploring the hallways requires a "well-differentiated leader who insists on being okay with or without [others'] consent." Emily is a wise and gentle leader first to herself and then to us in this practical and thoughtful book.
March 18, 2025
LOVE this book. I decided to listen to the audiobook and that was such a great decision. I felt like I was meeting with a mentor who was speaking so much life and light into me. This book was so helpful for being in a season of transition and discernment. She talked very vulnerably about her story, but also included scripture into it. Highly recommend and shoutout to Abi for telling me to read it :)
December 10, 2024
I read this slowly. Emily has a lot of wisdom on endings, beginnings, and in betweens. She gave voice to many of my feelings, and I felt seen as I read her words. I appreciated the tools she gave to deal with the "rooms" of life. Her words were a gift in this season.
And the last two chapters are gold�
And the last two chapters are gold�
November 16, 2024
Summary: A books about discernment.
Anyone who is a regular reader of my book reviews probably knows that I have been on a long-term reading project about discernment. I listened to an interview with Emily Freeman on the , and then a couple of days later, Audible had a sale on How to Walk Into a Room, and I picked it up.
One of my convictions about discernment (), is that while discernment includes decision-making, I am more interested in formational discernment, how we are formed toward Christ so that we both intuitively follow Christ's lead as well as how we consciously make decisions. I think both parts are important, but How to Walk Into a Room is mostly about the consciously deciding aspect of discernment.
Over the past decade there has been a near constant discussion about the rise of the 'Nones", those who no longer identify as part of a specific religious community. Those nones are not necessarily leaving Christian faith, but they are leaving a religious community for one reason or another. One of the findings of the research study that was detailed in , is that most people stop going to church when they move. It is less an intentional withdrawal from church than a lack of motivation to find a new church. Another large group of people stopped going to church during Covid and never found their way back. But Freeman is talking about a third group of people, those who are intentionally trying to discern whether to continue in a church or leave because of specific reasons. Those reasons can be different, spiritual harm or abuse, differences in theology or practices, personality conflicts, etc., but there is conscious intention to ask God if they should continue or leave. In many cases, these people are not leaving faith, they are leaving a specific community and intend to go to a new faith community.
Freeman walks through a four-part process of discernment that would apply to a number of different decision making steps. She includes other examples like work/vocation or continuing education, but her main example is her own process of deciding to leave her congregation.
The four parts are the acronym PRAY: Point & call; Remember your path; Acknowledge presence; and Yield to arrows. Point and call is easily remembered because it is probably the most tangible. Started by Japanese rail workers, point and call is a safety practices of naming out loud the simple steps of a process so that both the person naming and those around them know and can see the steps of the process. This is one of the main benefits of spiritual direction, specifically naming areas where you see God at work or where you have questions so that you can have a second person walk with you in seeking God.
Remember your path is somewhat like a calling/vocation/rule of life. I have been in a group with who has completed a book on building a rule of life (it will be published 2025) and he is leading us through the content of the book in a shortened form. While Freeman doesn't exactly mean a rule of life in her "remember your path" there is a significant overlap because the remember your path is partially about calling/vocation and partially about the guardrails we have.
Acknowledge presence is about acknowledging the presence of God in the process. This is part of the Prayer of Examen and is what is meant when there is a call to worship or invocation in a worship service. God is always with us, but there is reason to specifically remember God's presence.
The fourth part is what we most commonly think of as discernment, identifying the arrows (red, green, yellow) that we see around us with the help of the Holy Spirit. Where does God seem to be leading? Is that an open door? The value of a book like this is in the illustrations and the illumination of wisdom about how we can get the process of discernment wrong. Not every seemingly closed door is closed. Not every seemingly open door is open. Our history, emotional and relational make up, our personality and intellect all matter to this process. Having a community around us can help us to discern whether we are seeing rightly. But especially when the question is about whether we should be leaving the community of faith we are in can be difficult because we do not always trust the advice and wisdom of people who might be making a different decision.
I read this alongside . Othered is particularly about ways that the church can traumatize or further injure those who are traumatized. How to Walk Into a Room has good discussion about the role of trauma on discernment and that is helpful, but there are many ways that discernment is impacted beyond trauma. Our culture, and theology, our experience, and personality all impact our discernment in various ways.
As I skimmed through reviews on ŷ before writing this, I found two main complaints that were common among the negative reviews. The first was complaining that this was "not biblical' or that it was simply a self-help book. I think much of this type of complaint is from a stream of Christianity that distrusts that individuals are led by God. At the end of the book Freeman talks about how she and her husband have found a place in a local Friends (Quaker) congregation. The original heresy that Quakers were charge with was believing that the Holy Spirit directly guided them. But it wasn't only Quakers that have had this charge. Ignatius, the founder of the Catholic Jesuit order, also in his Rules of Discernment, assumes specific individual direction by the Holy Spirit in his Spiritual Exercises. How To Walk Into a Room was not specifically making the case for individual and corporate direction by the Holy Spirit, it mostly assumes that the reader already believes this. But much of the negative reviews specifically name this as why they rated the book poorly.
Most of the rest of the review that are negative are about the specific reason why Freeman and her family eventually decide to leave their church. The reason is somewhat obscured because Freeman is careful not to directly share the story of her child. But something about that child's sexuality causes Freeman and her husband to reevaluate their understanding of the theology of sexuality. It isn't only her child, but also other relationships. But the most proximate cause for leaving the church is her changing ideas that come about because of her child.
There are obviously many Christians who believe strongly one way or another about LGBTQ+ issues. But several reviews I read about How to Walk Into a Room specifically condemned Freeman for changing her mind because of experience or proximity. And I do think this is an area where there is a lot of misunderstanding. Experience and proximity is one way that God can use us to change our mind. The apostle Thomas changes his mind about the possibility of Christ's resurrection because he sees and touches Jesus. Peter changes his mind about whether Gentiles should be part of the church because of his experience of a vision of God. Paul changes his mind about whether Jesus was the messiah because of his experience of being blinded and healed. Post-biblical era, there are many other similar examples. Many abolitionists became abolitionists after experience with slavery. John Wesley and Richard Allen both resisted the ordination or licensing of women to preach until they directly experienced women who they identified as called by God. And many changed their mind about the sin of usury because of their experience with the rise of capitalism. That doesn't mean we always accept something as a result of experience. How to Walk Into a Room explores the role of experience on discernment. But experience and proximity are influences on our understanding of discernment.
The broader "room" metaphor I thought was less helpful than the PRAY acronym. But there is truth to the metaphor that we are called into and out of spaces and that God is with us regardless.
Anyone who is a regular reader of my book reviews probably knows that I have been on a long-term reading project about discernment. I listened to an interview with Emily Freeman on the , and then a couple of days later, Audible had a sale on How to Walk Into a Room, and I picked it up.
One of my convictions about discernment (), is that while discernment includes decision-making, I am more interested in formational discernment, how we are formed toward Christ so that we both intuitively follow Christ's lead as well as how we consciously make decisions. I think both parts are important, but How to Walk Into a Room is mostly about the consciously deciding aspect of discernment.
Over the past decade there has been a near constant discussion about the rise of the 'Nones", those who no longer identify as part of a specific religious community. Those nones are not necessarily leaving Christian faith, but they are leaving a religious community for one reason or another. One of the findings of the research study that was detailed in , is that most people stop going to church when they move. It is less an intentional withdrawal from church than a lack of motivation to find a new church. Another large group of people stopped going to church during Covid and never found their way back. But Freeman is talking about a third group of people, those who are intentionally trying to discern whether to continue in a church or leave because of specific reasons. Those reasons can be different, spiritual harm or abuse, differences in theology or practices, personality conflicts, etc., but there is conscious intention to ask God if they should continue or leave. In many cases, these people are not leaving faith, they are leaving a specific community and intend to go to a new faith community.
Freeman walks through a four-part process of discernment that would apply to a number of different decision making steps. She includes other examples like work/vocation or continuing education, but her main example is her own process of deciding to leave her congregation.
The four parts are the acronym PRAY: Point & call; Remember your path; Acknowledge presence; and Yield to arrows. Point and call is easily remembered because it is probably the most tangible. Started by Japanese rail workers, point and call is a safety practices of naming out loud the simple steps of a process so that both the person naming and those around them know and can see the steps of the process. This is one of the main benefits of spiritual direction, specifically naming areas where you see God at work or where you have questions so that you can have a second person walk with you in seeking God.
Remember your path is somewhat like a calling/vocation/rule of life. I have been in a group with who has completed a book on building a rule of life (it will be published 2025) and he is leading us through the content of the book in a shortened form. While Freeman doesn't exactly mean a rule of life in her "remember your path" there is a significant overlap because the remember your path is partially about calling/vocation and partially about the guardrails we have.
Acknowledge presence is about acknowledging the presence of God in the process. This is part of the Prayer of Examen and is what is meant when there is a call to worship or invocation in a worship service. God is always with us, but there is reason to specifically remember God's presence.
The fourth part is what we most commonly think of as discernment, identifying the arrows (red, green, yellow) that we see around us with the help of the Holy Spirit. Where does God seem to be leading? Is that an open door? The value of a book like this is in the illustrations and the illumination of wisdom about how we can get the process of discernment wrong. Not every seemingly closed door is closed. Not every seemingly open door is open. Our history, emotional and relational make up, our personality and intellect all matter to this process. Having a community around us can help us to discern whether we are seeing rightly. But especially when the question is about whether we should be leaving the community of faith we are in can be difficult because we do not always trust the advice and wisdom of people who might be making a different decision.
I read this alongside . Othered is particularly about ways that the church can traumatize or further injure those who are traumatized. How to Walk Into a Room has good discussion about the role of trauma on discernment and that is helpful, but there are many ways that discernment is impacted beyond trauma. Our culture, and theology, our experience, and personality all impact our discernment in various ways.
As I skimmed through reviews on ŷ before writing this, I found two main complaints that were common among the negative reviews. The first was complaining that this was "not biblical' or that it was simply a self-help book. I think much of this type of complaint is from a stream of Christianity that distrusts that individuals are led by God. At the end of the book Freeman talks about how she and her husband have found a place in a local Friends (Quaker) congregation. The original heresy that Quakers were charge with was believing that the Holy Spirit directly guided them. But it wasn't only Quakers that have had this charge. Ignatius, the founder of the Catholic Jesuit order, also in his Rules of Discernment, assumes specific individual direction by the Holy Spirit in his Spiritual Exercises. How To Walk Into a Room was not specifically making the case for individual and corporate direction by the Holy Spirit, it mostly assumes that the reader already believes this. But much of the negative reviews specifically name this as why they rated the book poorly.
Most of the rest of the review that are negative are about the specific reason why Freeman and her family eventually decide to leave their church. The reason is somewhat obscured because Freeman is careful not to directly share the story of her child. But something about that child's sexuality causes Freeman and her husband to reevaluate their understanding of the theology of sexuality. It isn't only her child, but also other relationships. But the most proximate cause for leaving the church is her changing ideas that come about because of her child.
There are obviously many Christians who believe strongly one way or another about LGBTQ+ issues. But several reviews I read about How to Walk Into a Room specifically condemned Freeman for changing her mind because of experience or proximity. And I do think this is an area where there is a lot of misunderstanding. Experience and proximity is one way that God can use us to change our mind. The apostle Thomas changes his mind about the possibility of Christ's resurrection because he sees and touches Jesus. Peter changes his mind about whether Gentiles should be part of the church because of his experience of a vision of God. Paul changes his mind about whether Jesus was the messiah because of his experience of being blinded and healed. Post-biblical era, there are many other similar examples. Many abolitionists became abolitionists after experience with slavery. John Wesley and Richard Allen both resisted the ordination or licensing of women to preach until they directly experienced women who they identified as called by God. And many changed their mind about the sin of usury because of their experience with the rise of capitalism. That doesn't mean we always accept something as a result of experience. How to Walk Into a Room explores the role of experience on discernment. But experience and proximity are influences on our understanding of discernment.
The broader "room" metaphor I thought was less helpful than the PRAY acronym. But there is truth to the metaphor that we are called into and out of spaces and that God is with us regardless.
Part of the difficulty of discernment is that we will not come to a single universal conclusion that applies to all people at all times. To think we will is to misunderstand what discernment is. And that is really the problem with the way that many people understand Christianity. It is not that we can do anything and ignore the bible and the creeds, but that everything about Christianity is in part an interpretive process of discernment. All interpretation of scripture is an interpretation. All application of scripture is an exercise in discernment based on that interpretation. All of the discernment and interpretation is fallibly guided by our understanding of the direction of the holy spirit as part of the universal body of Christ. If you have not picked up How to Walk Into a Room and do not believe in the inclusion of LGBTQ+ people into the body of Christ, I want you to know that the subject is here. But I also would encourage you to still be willing to listen to the process that Freeman walks through here because that process is not just her conclusion, it is a process that can have more than one conclusion.
This was originally posted on my blog at
October 30, 2024
I think I would have really enjoyed this book as a memoir of the author’s experience leaving a church after her teenager came to her questioning her own sexuality.
Or even as a nonfiction how-to on decision-making.
I didn’t really resonate with it as a spiritual book that quotes a lot of other books but never the Bible. Several quotes I highlighted concern me (what is a “generous orthodoxy�? and is the “God within me� she references multiple times the God of the Bible I know?). I think the practices she puts forth could be helpful, but I couldn’t quite focus past the foggy backdrop of her leaving her church over a doctrinal disagreement.
Or even as a nonfiction how-to on decision-making.
I didn’t really resonate with it as a spiritual book that quotes a lot of other books but never the Bible. Several quotes I highlighted concern me (what is a “generous orthodoxy�? and is the “God within me� she references multiple times the God of the Bible I know?). I think the practices she puts forth could be helpful, but I couldn’t quite focus past the foggy backdrop of her leaving her church over a doctrinal disagreement.
June 16, 2024
This book genuinely feels like walking with a spiritual director. She asks the most insightful questions and offers life-giving words about some of the most important decisions we face: staying or leaving. I journaled alongside this book, and she helped me with several realizations. I’m excited to share what I’ve learned from this book with others. Thank you, Emily Freeman!
March 19, 2024
Love and respect EPF, preordered the book. Some valuable nuggets but overall this metaphor did not resonate with me which made a lot of the book clunky and confusing.
August 30, 2024
Another blessing from the work of Emily P Freeman. A gifted human at making the emotionally complex navigable without diminishing the toll it takes. If you’re looking for new rhythms or practices that point you back to the heart of God for your good and flourishing, it’s here.
January 12, 2025
I loved The Next Right Thing and just like that book, this one puts helpful and practical language around discernment and decision-making. Mark read it in August and we used this book’s verbiage for months to make some big decisions, so I am playing catch up :)
December 18, 2024
EPF does such a great job of helping me process things, and where she shines best is with her reflection questions. I’ve been going through them very slowly and will continue to return to them. This book has been a huge help to me in this season.
February 18, 2024
Emily P. Freeman, THANK YOU for writing this book. It arrived in my hands the very month I needed to make a major employment decision.
Emily’s latest book is about what transpires in the “rooms� of our lives to signal that an ending is imminent and then takes us through the discernment process of whether it is time to go or time to stay. She cautions that the process of discernment is inefficient, taking time, self-awareness, and patience. She talks about different kinds of endings -- anticipated (e.g. retirement) or forced (e.g. fired) � and the luxury of closure. She gives practical tools for discernment tied to the acronym PRAY: Point & call; Remember your path; Acknowledge presence; and Yield to arrows. I also appreciate her distinction between peace that comes from doing the right thing versus relief that comes from avoidance.
An older book, “Transitions� by William Bridges, covers similar territory, but I found Emily’s more helpful to me personally because it’s intended for an audience with a faith orientation. I took 16 pages of notes on my first read through and know I will be returning to “How to Walk into a Room� soon.
Emily’s latest book is about what transpires in the “rooms� of our lives to signal that an ending is imminent and then takes us through the discernment process of whether it is time to go or time to stay. She cautions that the process of discernment is inefficient, taking time, self-awareness, and patience. She talks about different kinds of endings -- anticipated (e.g. retirement) or forced (e.g. fired) � and the luxury of closure. She gives practical tools for discernment tied to the acronym PRAY: Point & call; Remember your path; Acknowledge presence; and Yield to arrows. I also appreciate her distinction between peace that comes from doing the right thing versus relief that comes from avoidance.
An older book, “Transitions� by William Bridges, covers similar territory, but I found Emily’s more helpful to me personally because it’s intended for an audience with a faith orientation. I took 16 pages of notes on my first read through and know I will be returning to “How to Walk into a Room� soon.
March 12, 2024
Disppointing
Not what I was hoping to read. Too liberal. I will be returning this book as soon as I can.
Not what I was hoping to read. Too liberal. I will be returning this book as soon as I can.
August 5, 2024
An interesting read with some good thoughts to think on. I felt there was too much of a focus on the reasons why the author and her family left their church and this became the focus of the book. It pushed the good content to the background, though I did appreciate her honesty in telling her story. I do find her writing to be easy to read but the book itself felt too simplistic. I think there are better books on this topic (which I’m hoping to pursue) and would be hesitant to recommend this one and I wouldn’t keep it on my shelf.
November 28, 2024
So applicable, peaceful, direct, and helpful. Encouraged reflection over recent big changes that I needed. If I would have read this book last year, it may have been too much for my heart lol. So appreciative to have read it in this season to process and move into the next right thing!
July 11, 2024
So helpful and encouraging. Will be revisiting this one as I work through some of the different exercises/questions.
November 22, 2024
Holy moly. The richest words! I had to take it slow so I could soak in every chapter. Beautiful message for all stages of life, asks great questions and I will carry these practices for the rest of my life.
February 9, 2025
I found this book to be interesting, but not necessarily one I’d recommend.
As someone who has left many rooms, and pushed out of a few it was very thought provoking. I think the challenge of the book is that this one was written from the middle not after the healing of the story.
As a mom who has wondered how I would respond if my kid “came out� to me I had hoped it would be an interesting thought experiment to hear how she experienced it especially in light of her faith. But with all the story there was enough there to start to follow, but not enough freedom in the story to allow for learning and closure. (Which I get, guarding your child’s privacy, but in that case I don’t know that including it was helpful protection of the child.)
I 100% think people are allowed to have faith in (as she would say) the “hallway.� But a book that’s supposed to be a spiritual guide to others, when you don’t know where you are going or what you believe in that moment feels a bit of blind leading the blind.
To me no matter where they land in 5 years, I think this would have been an interesting book to read.
As someone who has left many rooms, and pushed out of a few it was very thought provoking. I think the challenge of the book is that this one was written from the middle not after the healing of the story.
As a mom who has wondered how I would respond if my kid “came out� to me I had hoped it would be an interesting thought experiment to hear how she experienced it especially in light of her faith. But with all the story there was enough there to start to follow, but not enough freedom in the story to allow for learning and closure. (Which I get, guarding your child’s privacy, but in that case I don’t know that including it was helpful protection of the child.)
I 100% think people are allowed to have faith in (as she would say) the “hallway.� But a book that’s supposed to be a spiritual guide to others, when you don’t know where you are going or what you believe in that moment feels a bit of blind leading the blind.
To me no matter where they land in 5 years, I think this would have been an interesting book to read.
May 14, 2024
When did the self-development section start crossing over with religion? * internal scream *. I'm sure the tools in this book could have been enough on their own without looping Christianity into this. You could probably make your own reflective exercises and get more from them than this book.
Notes:
- The central metaphor in helping to attain this wisdom is to think of your life as a house in which each commitment, community, role, and relationship represents a room. The author prompts us to assess these rooms carefully and thoughtfully. What does it feel like to be in these rooms? Does it feel good? Bad? Indifferent?
- the author recommends the concept of pointing and calling, which is borrowed from James Clear's book Atomic Habits (I count that as cheating)
- the author identifies 'personal guideposts' as your spiritual personality and your core values
- Should she stay or should she go? is a core theme in this book
- practice breath prayers like “Let in what is� on the inhale and “Let go what isn't� on the exhale (kinda liked this one)
Notes:
- The central metaphor in helping to attain this wisdom is to think of your life as a house in which each commitment, community, role, and relationship represents a room. The author prompts us to assess these rooms carefully and thoughtfully. What does it feel like to be in these rooms? Does it feel good? Bad? Indifferent?
- the author recommends the concept of pointing and calling, which is borrowed from James Clear's book Atomic Habits (I count that as cheating)
- the author identifies 'personal guideposts' as your spiritual personality and your core values
- Should she stay or should she go? is a core theme in this book
- practice breath prayers like “Let in what is� on the inhale and “Let go what isn't� on the exhale (kinda liked this one)
August 20, 2024
Read this if you ever plan to make a decision again in your life. As someone who can't make decisions, this book was kind of transformative. It's written very much from a Christian perspective but I think her advice is so good that a reader of any background would appreciate it.
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