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Life Isn't Binary: On Being Both, Beyond, and In-Between
Challenging society's rigid and binary ways of thinking, this original work shows the limitations that binary thinking has regarding our relationships, wellbeing, sense of identity, and more. Explaining how we can think and act in a less rigid manner, this fascinating book shows how life isn't binary.
237 pages, Paperback
First published May 21, 2019
330 people are currently reading
4,698 people want to read
About the author
Meg-John Barker
40books328followersDr. Meg-John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Their popular books include the (anti-)self-help relationship book Rewriting the Rules, The Secrets of Enduring Love (with Jacqui Gabb), Queer: A Graphic History (with Julia Scheele), and Enjoy Sex, How, When and If You Want To (with Justin Hancock). Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and has published many academic books and papers on topics including non-monogamous relationships, sadomasochism, counselling, and mindfulness, as well as co-founding the journal Psychology & Sexuality and the activist-research organisation BiUK. They were the lead author of The Bisexuality Report � which has informed UK policy and practice around bisexuality � and are currently co-editing a book on non-binary gender with similar aims in that area. They are involved in running many public events on sexuality and relationships, including Sense about Sex and Critical Sexology. Meg-John is a UKCP accredited psychotherapist working with gender, sexually, and relationship diverse (GSRD) clients.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 167 reviews
October 24, 2019
Cast aside flat black and white binaries.
See textured landscapes of many colours.
Be kind.
(.)
Labels (seem to) make life easier, and binary ones even more so.
We fall into using them, unthinkingly and often unquestioningly.
But there are way more grey areas than black and white ones.
Binaries constrain. Even two-dimensional spectrums do.
And they rarely reflect the world as it is.
This book starts with the obvious topics of sexualities (beyond gay/straight) and genders (beyond female/male). Subsequent chapters extend non-binary ideas about both/and (rather than either/or, let alone the divisive, distancing us/them) to:
� Relationships
� Bodies
� Emotions
� Thinking
It occasionally draws on Buddhist mindfulness, queer theory, and Paganism, which might have put me off a little had I known in advance, but, it’s all very chatty, readable, relatable, and chunked, so it’s easy to dip in and out.
This book is for you. Yes, YOU
Even if you think LGBTQI+ is “political correctness gone mad�, that gender-fluidity is a faddish label for something that doesn’t exist, or that none of this is relevant to you, you’ll discover that non-binary thinking is liberating and practical, less judgemental and less confrontational.
I read this to better understand my non-binary genderfulid twenty-something, and I think I do. The huge and unexpected bonus is how much better I understand myself, a straight white cisgender woman.
Image: Marbling hands (.)
Short video of body marbling
In between the binaries
The Ancient Greeks had . We often settle for loving - or not - and many other binaries, all of which are covered, including:
Abled/disabled, black/white, natural/unnatural, normal/abnormal, stupid/clever, educated/ignorant, nature/nurture, old/young, urban/rural, poor/rich, mad/sane, left/right (Conservative/Labour or Brexit/remain or GOP/Democrat), male/female, cis/trans, binary/non-binary, gay/straight, coupled/single, monogamous/non-monogamous, partner/friend, sexual/platonic, ugly/pretty, good/bad, happy/sad, right/wrong, mind/body, emotional/rational, pleasure/pain, gain/loss, praise/blame, fame/disgrace...
Sometimes binaries are coupled in explicitly judgemental ways: gay = unnatural and therefore wrong, for example. But normal, natural, and widespread doesn’t necessarily correlate with good: genius and altruism are abnormal and not widespread, but clearly good, and medicine is widespread but unnatural.
So much of what we read and watch about trans people frames their story as a journey from one binary gender all the way to the opposite one, but that's not necessarily the case. Some trans people are closer to non-binary or genderfluid, and genital dysphoria is not always a major component of a person’s gender dysphoria. We’re in a strange, paradoxical time when many are more open to non-binary ideas of gender just as ultrasound (sonograms) and Instagram make gender reveals the first and primary thing we know about an unborn baby. But gender is bio psycho social construct (identity, role, expression) - see Sally Hines� excellent Is Gender Fluid? My review is HERE.
(.)
There are some binaries we readily accept are not really binary. For example, there are more colours and races that black and white, and a near infinite number of blendings (race isn’t a biological category anyway). Most people accept that bisexuality exists, even if they tend judge bi people on their current relationship, so push them towards gay or straight.
Other binaries are ones that change during a life: young to old, obviously, but some people start abled and become disabled. Happiness, education, wealth, and class can change, too. More controversially, the authors demonstrate that some people change sexuality, or evolve to acknowledge attraction in different ways, which is a challenge to the “born that way� gay rights argument.
Binaries can be harmful even to those in the privileged majority: trapping them there, think there is no alternative, or that it’s too risky.
Some binaries are so institutionally embedded they’re hard to break: the two-party system is not working well in the UK or US at present, but it’s difficult for centrist or alternative parties to flourish, and easy for deliberately divisive rhetoric to entrench the binary division.
Too many labels?
I’ve sometimes wondered why people want so many labels to choose between (there are multiple types of asexuality alone for example).
My kid explained that for them and their queer (the word is reclaimed, as an umbrella term) friends it’s about community: safe spaces, shared experiences, representation, support, and belonging. The same point is made here. Being (gender) non-conforming or eccentric is not the same, and not necessarily sufficient.
Singular “they�
Both authors prefer “they� as a personal pronoun. MJ says “I experience myself as pretty plural�.
I explain this in detail in my review of A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson, HERE.
Key lessons
� Consider both/and, rather than either/or.
� See landscapes, not binary good/bad.
� Embrace uncertainty, in yourself and the world around.
� Debate isn’t inherently good: beware false equivalency, giving legitimacy to false beliefs to be “fair�.
� Learn from conflict.
Image: Rabbit God versus Duck God, by Paul Noth
Binary thinking is inaccurate and limiting. It’s clearly damaging for oppressed minorities who don’t fit, but those who seem to be privileged can be trapped, too.
� Be kind, don’t judge, and be open to tangential outcomes and compromises.
� Informed consent of those directly affected is what matters.
� Context is all.
For examples of the power and dangers of false binaries and false equivalents used for political ends, see Steven Pool's excellent Unspeak: How Words Become Weapons, HERE.
Categorising
Appropriately, this book does not fit a single, binary label.
� It is both self-help and a textbook.
� It is both a treatise and a dual autobiography.
� And both a mirror and a window.
Image: “Mirror or window?� Shanghai, China, by patrizia zanetti (.)
A parable
This Taoist parable is included to demonstrate why it's futile and unhelpful to view everything in terms of good and bad:
See textured landscapes of many colours.
Be kind.
(.)
Labels (seem to) make life easier, and binary ones even more so.
We fall into using them, unthinkingly and often unquestioningly.
But there are way more grey areas than black and white ones.
Binaries constrain. Even two-dimensional spectrums do.
And they rarely reflect the world as it is.
This book starts with the obvious topics of sexualities (beyond gay/straight) and genders (beyond female/male). Subsequent chapters extend non-binary ideas about both/and (rather than either/or, let alone the divisive, distancing us/them) to:
� Relationships
� Bodies
� Emotions
� Thinking
It occasionally draws on Buddhist mindfulness, queer theory, and Paganism, which might have put me off a little had I known in advance, but, it’s all very chatty, readable, relatable, and chunked, so it’s easy to dip in and out.
This book is for you. Yes, YOU
Even if you think LGBTQI+ is “political correctness gone mad�, that gender-fluidity is a faddish label for something that doesn’t exist, or that none of this is relevant to you, you’ll discover that non-binary thinking is liberating and practical, less judgemental and less confrontational.
I read this to better understand my non-binary genderfulid twenty-something, and I think I do. The huge and unexpected bonus is how much better I understand myself, a straight white cisgender woman.
Image: Marbling hands (.)
Short video of body marbling
In between the binaries
The Ancient Greeks had . We often settle for loving - or not - and many other binaries, all of which are covered, including:
Abled/disabled, black/white, natural/unnatural, normal/abnormal, stupid/clever, educated/ignorant, nature/nurture, old/young, urban/rural, poor/rich, mad/sane, left/right (Conservative/Labour or Brexit/remain or GOP/Democrat), male/female, cis/trans, binary/non-binary, gay/straight, coupled/single, monogamous/non-monogamous, partner/friend, sexual/platonic, ugly/pretty, good/bad, happy/sad, right/wrong, mind/body, emotional/rational, pleasure/pain, gain/loss, praise/blame, fame/disgrace...
Sometimes binaries are coupled in explicitly judgemental ways: gay = unnatural and therefore wrong, for example. But normal, natural, and widespread doesn’t necessarily correlate with good: genius and altruism are abnormal and not widespread, but clearly good, and medicine is widespread but unnatural.
So much of what we read and watch about trans people frames their story as a journey from one binary gender all the way to the opposite one, but that's not necessarily the case. Some trans people are closer to non-binary or genderfluid, and genital dysphoria is not always a major component of a person’s gender dysphoria. We’re in a strange, paradoxical time when many are more open to non-binary ideas of gender just as ultrasound (sonograms) and Instagram make gender reveals the first and primary thing we know about an unborn baby. But gender is bio psycho social construct (identity, role, expression) - see Sally Hines� excellent Is Gender Fluid? My review is HERE.
(.)
There are some binaries we readily accept are not really binary. For example, there are more colours and races that black and white, and a near infinite number of blendings (race isn’t a biological category anyway). Most people accept that bisexuality exists, even if they tend judge bi people on their current relationship, so push them towards gay or straight.
Other binaries are ones that change during a life: young to old, obviously, but some people start abled and become disabled. Happiness, education, wealth, and class can change, too. More controversially, the authors demonstrate that some people change sexuality, or evolve to acknowledge attraction in different ways, which is a challenge to the “born that way� gay rights argument.
Binaries can be harmful even to those in the privileged majority: trapping them there, think there is no alternative, or that it’s too risky.
Some binaries are so institutionally embedded they’re hard to break: the two-party system is not working well in the UK or US at present, but it’s difficult for centrist or alternative parties to flourish, and easy for deliberately divisive rhetoric to entrench the binary division.
Too many labels?
I’ve sometimes wondered why people want so many labels to choose between (there are multiple types of asexuality alone for example).
My kid explained that for them and their queer (the word is reclaimed, as an umbrella term) friends it’s about community: safe spaces, shared experiences, representation, support, and belonging. The same point is made here. Being (gender) non-conforming or eccentric is not the same, and not necessarily sufficient.
Singular “they�
Both authors prefer “they� as a personal pronoun. MJ says “I experience myself as pretty plural�.
I explain this in detail in my review of A Quick & Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns by Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson, HERE.
Key lessons
� Consider both/and, rather than either/or.
� See landscapes, not binary good/bad.
� Embrace uncertainty, in yourself and the world around.
� Debate isn’t inherently good: beware false equivalency, giving legitimacy to false beliefs to be “fair�.
� Learn from conflict.
Image: Rabbit God versus Duck God, by Paul Noth
Binary thinking is inaccurate and limiting. It’s clearly damaging for oppressed minorities who don’t fit, but those who seem to be privileged can be trapped, too.
� Be kind, don’t judge, and be open to tangential outcomes and compromises.
� Informed consent of those directly affected is what matters.
� Context is all.
For examples of the power and dangers of false binaries and false equivalents used for political ends, see Steven Pool's excellent Unspeak: How Words Become Weapons, HERE.
Categorising
Appropriately, this book does not fit a single, binary label.
� It is both self-help and a textbook.
� It is both a treatise and a dual autobiography.
� And both a mirror and a window.
Image: “Mirror or window?� Shanghai, China, by patrizia zanetti (.)
A parable
This Taoist parable is included to demonstrate why it's futile and unhelpful to view everything in terms of good and bad:
The situation... is like that of the wise Chinese farmer whose horse ran off. When his neighbour came to console him the farmer said, "Who knows what's good or bad?"
When his horse returned the next day with a herd of horses following her, the foolish neighbour came to congratulate him on his good fortune. "Who knows what's good or bad?" said the farmer.
Then, when the farmer's son broke his leg trying to ride one of the new horses, the foolish neighbour came to console him again. "Who knows what's good or bad?" said the farmer.
When the army passed through, conscripting men for the war, they passed over the farmer's son because of his broken leg. When the foolish man came to congratulate the farmer that his son would be spared, again the farmer said, "Who knows what's good or bad?"
When do we expect the story to end?
August 10, 2019
I predict this book will be a landmark in LGBT studies, in particular in bisexuality and transgender studies. When I finished this book, I felt much as I did 27 years ago, when I discovered and read Bi Any Other Name: Bisexuals Speak Out—I felt seen, and more than that I knew there were other people like me, communities I could belong to, and a multilayered identity that I shared with many others. It was life-changing. In the same way, Life Isn't Binary has the potential to change lives. It will certainly change hearts and minds, as the old slogan goes—people who don't have an experience of looking beyond binaries will be challenged to rethink their assumptions. People who have always questioned binaries but have felt alone in that questioning or have had difficulties articulating their viewpoint will feel seen, understood, and supported.
I loved everything about this book—the warm tone, the accessible language, the personal anecdotes from the authors as well as direct quotes from a beautifully diverse range of individuals, the questions for reflection, the places where the reader is encouraged to take a breath, give themselves time and space to take in what they've read, and avoid being overwhelmed or overloaded. The authors' trauma-informed approach is the foundation of a text full of wit and wisdom, deep insight, and crucial questions. They don't provide definitive answers to many of the questions, either.
The authors' approach is brilliant because it allows them to explore their ideas without the expectation that they must be unquestioned authorities and because it allows and even urges readers to think about the questions and come up with their own answers, or decide that there may not be answers, at least in the conventional sense.
Iantaffi and Barker show clear respect for previous sexuality researchers such as Kinsey and Kline while still bringing a fresh, critical approach to old theories and assumptions. Their take on the Kinsey scale, for example, is on point, radical, and absolutely necessary. Here's the heart of their critique, which sets the tone for much of their insightful discussion:
This is a crucial critique that provided an a-ha moment for me. I've read plenty in the past about the Kinsey and the Kline scales, and I'm somewhat familiar with bisexuality research (e.g., Lisa Diamond's important work, also cited in this book). But it's Iantaffi and Barker's approach that shines new light on what is now an old idea about binary-based sexual attractions. The value of their insights here cannot be overstated.
Highly, highly recommended.
I loved everything about this book—the warm tone, the accessible language, the personal anecdotes from the authors as well as direct quotes from a beautifully diverse range of individuals, the questions for reflection, the places where the reader is encouraged to take a breath, give themselves time and space to take in what they've read, and avoid being overwhelmed or overloaded. The authors' trauma-informed approach is the foundation of a text full of wit and wisdom, deep insight, and crucial questions. They don't provide definitive answers to many of the questions, either.
The authors' approach is brilliant because it allows them to explore their ideas without the expectation that they must be unquestioned authorities and because it allows and even urges readers to think about the questions and come up with their own answers, or decide that there may not be answers, at least in the conventional sense.
Iantaffi and Barker show clear respect for previous sexuality researchers such as Kinsey and Kline while still bringing a fresh, critical approach to old theories and assumptions. Their take on the Kinsey scale, for example, is on point, radical, and absolutely necessary. Here's the heart of their critique, which sets the tone for much of their insightful discussion:
As you might've already noticed, this kind of spectrum [the Kinsey scale of sexual attraction] is still pretty limited in capturing our sexualities. For a start it suggests that as our attraction to the "same gender" decreases, our attraction to the "opposite gender" increases and vice versa.
This is a crucial critique that provided an a-ha moment for me. I've read plenty in the past about the Kinsey and the Kline scales, and I'm somewhat familiar with bisexuality research (e.g., Lisa Diamond's important work, also cited in this book). But it's Iantaffi and Barker's approach that shines new light on what is now an old idea about binary-based sexual attractions. The value of their insights here cannot be overstated.
Highly, highly recommended.
October 12, 2021
I was expecting this book to be a deep dive into queer lives and how they defy any attempt at quantification, and then how that could apply to all lives. What I got instead was a queer theory book that was also attempting to be a self-help book written for the masses.
That is my main problem with this book: the topics could have been expanded upon ten-fold but it seemed that the authors shied away from being too complex, and anytime it got to a complex point it was broken down into very simple chunks.
That said it is definitely my most annotated book ever and I will be returning to it frequently. It is absolutely worth a read if you're looking for a new paradigm to see the world through.
That is my main problem with this book: the topics could have been expanded upon ten-fold but it seemed that the authors shied away from being too complex, and anytime it got to a complex point it was broken down into very simple chunks.
That said it is definitely my most annotated book ever and I will be returning to it frequently. It is absolutely worth a read if you're looking for a new paradigm to see the world through.
August 14, 2021
Déjà, j'aimerai dire que le titre en français est extrêmement trompeur. Je m'attendais à ce qu'on parle du vécu des personnes non-binaires, et je m'attendais également à un point historique montrant peut-être à partir de quand on a commencé à penser du point de vue binaire au niveau du genre, ou bien s'il existe des populations où cette binarité n'existe pas, mais rien de tout cela. Et puis le "personne ne l'est" en dessous du titre suggère d'autant plus que le livre va parler du fait d'être non-binaire, et essayer de nous montrer qu'à la base personne n'est binaire justement.
En fait comme le titre en anglais l'indique ("Life isn't binary"), ce livre parle plutôt de la binarité de manière plus générale, et de ce qu'on pourrait appeler plus communément la pensée dichotomique, çad le fait de percevoir le monde de manière polarisée. Par exemple, bon ou mauvais, émotionnel ou rationnel, beau ou laid, homo ou hétéro, etc... Bref, tout ça pour dire qu'au final ce n'est pas ce à quoi je m'attendais et ça m'a pas mal déçue. D'autant plus que du coup, je trouve le concept un peu trop simple, et je ne crois pas que ce soit bien difficile de voir au-delà des extrêmes.
Les premiers chapitres sur le genre et la sexualit�� m'ont pas mal intéressée, et j'ai trouvé que les petites pistes de réflexion proposées étaient une bonne idée pour nous amener à remettre en question nos croyances, mais j'étais moins fan des autres chapitres. Surtout ceux sur les émotions et la pensée. D'ailleurs je n'étais pas vraiment d'accord avec ce qui était dit sur les troubles psychologiques, mais bref. Dans le livre il y avait également des "instant pause" de type méditation en quelque sorte, et personnellement je ne les ait pas fait parce que je ne trouvais pas ça très utile, et même parfois bizarre (faire un autel, wtf ?), mais bon pourquoi pas 🤷🏻♀�.
En bref, ce n'était pas aussi intéressant que je m'y attendais, et j'ai vraiment galéré à le terminer. Je pense que ça pourrait être utiles pour certaines personnes, mais pour moi ça ne l'a pas fait. Pour finir quand même sur une bonne note, le point positif pour l'édition française c'est que l'intérieur du livre est très beau et rend le tout beaucoup plus digeste et ludique.
En fait comme le titre en anglais l'indique ("Life isn't binary"), ce livre parle plutôt de la binarité de manière plus générale, et de ce qu'on pourrait appeler plus communément la pensée dichotomique, çad le fait de percevoir le monde de manière polarisée. Par exemple, bon ou mauvais, émotionnel ou rationnel, beau ou laid, homo ou hétéro, etc... Bref, tout ça pour dire qu'au final ce n'est pas ce à quoi je m'attendais et ça m'a pas mal déçue. D'autant plus que du coup, je trouve le concept un peu trop simple, et je ne crois pas que ce soit bien difficile de voir au-delà des extrêmes.
Les premiers chapitres sur le genre et la sexualit�� m'ont pas mal intéressée, et j'ai trouvé que les petites pistes de réflexion proposées étaient une bonne idée pour nous amener à remettre en question nos croyances, mais j'étais moins fan des autres chapitres. Surtout ceux sur les émotions et la pensée. D'ailleurs je n'étais pas vraiment d'accord avec ce qui était dit sur les troubles psychologiques, mais bref. Dans le livre il y avait également des "instant pause" de type méditation en quelque sorte, et personnellement je ne les ait pas fait parce que je ne trouvais pas ça très utile, et même parfois bizarre (faire un autel, wtf ?), mais bon pourquoi pas 🤷🏻♀�.
En bref, ce n'était pas aussi intéressant que je m'y attendais, et j'ai vraiment galéré à le terminer. Je pense que ça pourrait être utiles pour certaines personnes, mais pour moi ça ne l'a pas fait. Pour finir quand même sur une bonne note, le point positif pour l'édition française c'est que l'intérieur du livre est très beau et rend le tout beaucoup plus digeste et ludique.
December 23, 2021
no está mal pero no es lo q buscaba y (la mayoría) no eran cosas q no se supieran ya
ademas estaban todo el rato diciendo “esto lo explicamos luego� o “esto ya lo explicamos antes� !! pero en plan cada dos páginas lo decían me quería morir
ademas estaban todo el rato diciendo “esto lo explicamos luego� o “esto ya lo explicamos antes� !! pero en plan cada dos páginas lo decían me quería morir
September 10, 2019
Occasionally you read a book that's a life-changer and Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi's latest book Life Isn't Binary: On Being Both, Beyond and In-Between was just that for me. It's a brilliant look at how binary thinking (i.e. there's only two options and usually one is seen as being better than the other) is unhelpful in lots of areas of life.
The non-binary authors focus chapters on how thinking about gender and sexuality in less binary ways can open up new possibilities, and their clear way of expressing ideas meant that despite having read a ton on sexuality and gender I still got loads out of these chapters and came to some new ways of thinking about myself.
But gender and sexuality is only the start of Life Isn't Binary, and what I loved most about this book was how the authors expanded their critique of binary thinking into the realms of relationships, bodies, emotions, and ideas. They break down some binary assumptions that we've been stuck with since the Enlightenment and look at alternative ways to relate to ourselves and others.
There's so much to think about in Life Isn't Binary, I honestly wanted to write an essay on every page and read every book in the bibliography. It's trauma-informed, written with the kind of compassion you'd expect from two therapists, and manages to make some complex ideas very readable. If like me you're a person who likes to question everything this is the perfect book for you, I really can't recommend it enough.
The non-binary authors focus chapters on how thinking about gender and sexuality in less binary ways can open up new possibilities, and their clear way of expressing ideas meant that despite having read a ton on sexuality and gender I still got loads out of these chapters and came to some new ways of thinking about myself.
But gender and sexuality is only the start of Life Isn't Binary, and what I loved most about this book was how the authors expanded their critique of binary thinking into the realms of relationships, bodies, emotions, and ideas. They break down some binary assumptions that we've been stuck with since the Enlightenment and look at alternative ways to relate to ourselves and others.
There's so much to think about in Life Isn't Binary, I honestly wanted to write an essay on every page and read every book in the bibliography. It's trauma-informed, written with the kind of compassion you'd expect from two therapists, and manages to make some complex ideas very readable. If like me you're a person who likes to question everything this is the perfect book for you, I really can't recommend it enough.
September 16, 2021
I was torn between 4 and 5 stars for this one, but in the end it was a great reading so I opted for 5.
This book was incredible, I honestly had never realized how many binaries we deal with on a daily basis. I loved how the book went beyond talking just about sexuality and gender, by exploring the binaries in emotions, thoughts, etc.
I should also mention that the further resources sections at the end of each chapter are simply amazing. They are incredibly useful, and give so many options for further readings.
There's also several reflection points in each chapter, that could use as journaling prompts.
Overall it was a very good reading, and I feel like it's a great starting point for discussing the binaries in every aspect of our lives.
This book was incredible, I honestly had never realized how many binaries we deal with on a daily basis. I loved how the book went beyond talking just about sexuality and gender, by exploring the binaries in emotions, thoughts, etc.
I should also mention that the further resources sections at the end of each chapter are simply amazing. They are incredibly useful, and give so many options for further readings.
There's also several reflection points in each chapter, that could use as journaling prompts.
Overall it was a very good reading, and I feel like it's a great starting point for discussing the binaries in every aspect of our lives.
June 9, 2023
It's a good book to challenge our ways of thinking and goes beyond gender and sexuality. I just found it to be a bit too much detailed at times and a bit hopeless with just explaining current - and very unfair - situations but without providing with a clear way forward other than what has been said before about being a good human being. Had to skip some of the chapters a bit to finish it.
April 26, 2024
súper decepcionante. un "ensayo" con miedo de realizar cualquier afirmación o tesis, estructurado como un libro de autoayuda, y la cosa más estadounidense que he leído.
creo que engaña bastante (sobre todo la edición española, en la que salen los colores de la bandera nobinaria) porque no es un libro que profundice en el binarismo/nobinarismo de género, sino que habla de binarismos en general (hetero/homo, monogamia/poliamor) y según se adentra, lo hace cada vez de forma más abstracta (sano/no sano, emoción/acción, debatible/no debatible)... hay un par de ideas interesantes por las que pasa por encima sin profundizar de ninguna manera. no perdáis el tiempo que hay mil ensayos buenísimos e interesantes.
creo que engaña bastante (sobre todo la edición española, en la que salen los colores de la bandera nobinaria) porque no es un libro que profundice en el binarismo/nobinarismo de género, sino que habla de binarismos en general (hetero/homo, monogamia/poliamor) y según se adentra, lo hace cada vez de forma más abstracta (sano/no sano, emoción/acción, debatible/no debatible)... hay un par de ideas interesantes por las que pasa por encima sin profundizar de ninguna manera. no perdáis el tiempo que hay mil ensayos buenísimos e interesantes.
August 20, 2021
Good exploration of problems of binary thinking and gentle invitation to be a bit more non-binary
I’d imagined this book was mostly about non-binary gender and bisexuality - how black and white binary my thinking was 🤦🏻🙃. It examines these, sure, but lots of other binaries as well - usual (“normal�) bodies vs (dis)ability, mad vs. sane, mind vs. body, rational vs. emotional - and in particular invites us to explore how non-binary thinking can help us overcome either-or / good-bad polarisations to appreciate both the negative sides (e.g. feeling you don’t belong either in the country you were born in or in the one you moved to as a young adult; non-binary genders as perceived as being inauthentic) and the positives of non-binary thinking, e.g. “both-and�. Lots on privileges and oppression (white, academic, cisgender feminists 🔭) with the term I’d not come across before “dominant culture� (with no article). Everyone would benefit from reading this!
I’d imagined this book was mostly about non-binary gender and bisexuality - how black and white binary my thinking was 🤦🏻🙃. It examines these, sure, but lots of other binaries as well - usual (“normal�) bodies vs (dis)ability, mad vs. sane, mind vs. body, rational vs. emotional - and in particular invites us to explore how non-binary thinking can help us overcome either-or / good-bad polarisations to appreciate both the negative sides (e.g. feeling you don’t belong either in the country you were born in or in the one you moved to as a young adult; non-binary genders as perceived as being inauthentic) and the positives of non-binary thinking, e.g. “both-and�. Lots on privileges and oppression (white, academic, cisgender feminists 🔭) with the term I’d not come across before “dominant culture� (with no article). Everyone would benefit from reading this!
December 26, 2019
It started out as a really nice book that provides very loving advice on how to deal with things as a queer person in a non-queer society, but then it turns into a major advertisement for 'mindfulness' and whitewashed Buddhism. There really is some solid advice in there, the sections on how enforced binaries (not just limited in daily life) are present in daily life are very helpful. But then they make the switch to mindfulness and it just... Well, I wouldn't recommend their exercises if you're feeling a bit under the weather :). When you look into the abyss you might not always like what looks back.
February 22, 2023
This book challenged a lot of binary thinking I didn’t even know I was taking part in and offered new ways of thinking / understanding the world (including but not limited to sexuality, gender, relationships, bodies, & emotions). It has me wanting to read every book in the ‘further reading� section
January 28, 2021
I have mixed feelings about this book. Overall, I think they had some really good insights. Every chapter had at least one or two worthwhile ideas that caused me to reflect and question how and why I use binaries in different aspects of my life, and what benefits it could give me to change that. There were several chapters and sections that I really enjoyed. I especially liked the quotes used at the ends of the chapters. Although I didn't use the "slow down" check-ins, I appreciate that they were there and that they might be useful for people.
This was a challenging book for me in terms of it being really dense at points, and it was hard to get through. There were parts that flowed very well but certain chapters overextended themselves, making it mentally draining to try and figure everything out. Also, it was uncomfortable to see them referencing different religions and cherry-picking different concepts through a very Westernized lens to complement their ideas. Finally, I disliked the suggested exercise of "making an altar to yourself," which, as a Catholic, it wouldn't feel right to do.
This was a challenging book for me in terms of it being really dense at points, and it was hard to get through. There were parts that flowed very well but certain chapters overextended themselves, making it mentally draining to try and figure everything out. Also, it was uncomfortable to see them referencing different religions and cherry-picking different concepts through a very Westernized lens to complement their ideas. Finally, I disliked the suggested exercise of "making an altar to yourself," which, as a Catholic, it wouldn't feel right to do.
September 16, 2019
An interesting exploration of binaries and why they're not really binaries (broadly divided into sexualities, gender, relationships, bodies, emotions and thinking), with lots of encouragement towards reflecting on one's own experience.
September 1, 2021
This book is incredible. The authors write with such clarity and empathy.
Beyond sexuality and gender, the authors also explore topics including relationships and our bodies with regards to how we are conditioned to think in binary ways.
They make curious but logical arguments that are truly mind-opening. I’d maybe even say this book changed my life.
Beyond sexuality and gender, the authors also explore topics including relationships and our bodies with regards to how we are conditioned to think in binary ways.
They make curious but logical arguments that are truly mind-opening. I’d maybe even say this book changed my life.
September 6, 2024
already read this in February! Was mostly basic information on gender, kind of boring at parts but also a lot of stimulation to think about own gender expression and from the ones around you
January 28, 2025
“Knowing who we are, what we want, and being able to express our needs, wants, and desires—so that we can find others to share them with—makes us poor targets for capitalism, because we can now access intimacy in many ways, with several beings, and even by ourselves.�
As an aro (greyromantic), I don’t normally disclose this aspect of my identity since I’ve always struggled with trying to match society’s expectations for what relationships “should� look like, but this book has helped me accept that visibility is important, not just for me, but (obviously) others as well who identify as queer or are part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Life is Not Binary was insightful in recontextualizing my own self perception in a more positive light and becoming familiar with perspectives aligned with and beyond my own.
Also, glad to learn the term “decolonial love!”—I’ve tried describing this intuitively before, so it’s helpful to have a term for it (…though the book does encourage challenging categorization in favor of a more landscape-esque paradigm, which I find to be a necessary and refreshing paradox).
Another quote I resonated with, especially given the moment of now: ”When opinion and facts become equivalent, and when people’s lives become a matter of debate, that’s when we start to get into the lethal waters of fascist rhetoric masquerading as free speech.�
As an aro (greyromantic), I don’t normally disclose this aspect of my identity since I’ve always struggled with trying to match society’s expectations for what relationships “should� look like, but this book has helped me accept that visibility is important, not just for me, but (obviously) others as well who identify as queer or are part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Life is Not Binary was insightful in recontextualizing my own self perception in a more positive light and becoming familiar with perspectives aligned with and beyond my own.
Also, glad to learn the term “decolonial love!”—I’ve tried describing this intuitively before, so it’s helpful to have a term for it (…though the book does encourage challenging categorization in favor of a more landscape-esque paradigm, which I find to be a necessary and refreshing paradox).
Another quote I resonated with, especially given the moment of now: ”When opinion and facts become equivalent, and when people’s lives become a matter of debate, that’s when we start to get into the lethal waters of fascist rhetoric masquerading as free speech.�
December 6, 2019
Overall, a really thought provoking book. Some of the beginning was familiar, but I really enjoyed the extension beyond sexuality and gender. Sometimes it got a bit cerebral, but very fascinating. I found the bit at the end about political "debates" and how binaries contribute to the toxic mess we have today very insightful and relevant.
A few little nit picky things:
-I found the pauses annoying and made it harder to get into a flow of reading where I could get into the text based on my reading style. I can see how those exercises would work well in a workshop, but stumbling over them really made absorbing info hard for me. I also was reading this on my lunch break, so I was rarely in a place mentally or physically where I could do these even if I wanted to.
-A lot of the exercises were things I engage with already, so they weren't as useful to me, though they could be helpful for someone brand new to this way of thinking, so this is a personal issue not one with the text.
-It ended kind of abruptly, which was disappointing. I kind of felt like it was a let down after such thorough passages throughout the book.
-A lot of the solutions at the end seemed to come from Buddhist traditions. Which is perfectly fine, but some of the suggestions seemed incompatible with other traditions (like building an alter to the self would be something as a Jew I'd be uncomfortable with). It would have been nice if this could have been interrogated more, since it is a very real intersection and could be interesting to look at. Also, what are the implications of drawing so heavily on Buddhism (and Western interpretations of Buddhism) given the history of the West's corruption of various Asian concepts and rituals? Again, not impossible to discuss, but it felt like a missed opportunity, and it felt more like the authors' were asserting what worked for them personally rather than arguing for a larger framework, which was unfortunate because the overall framework of most of the book was the strongest part.
Don't let any of that prevent you from reading, I'd highly recommend and overall it's really well done.
A few little nit picky things:
-I found the pauses annoying and made it harder to get into a flow of reading where I could get into the text based on my reading style. I can see how those exercises would work well in a workshop, but stumbling over them really made absorbing info hard for me. I also was reading this on my lunch break, so I was rarely in a place mentally or physically where I could do these even if I wanted to.
-A lot of the exercises were things I engage with already, so they weren't as useful to me, though they could be helpful for someone brand new to this way of thinking, so this is a personal issue not one with the text.
-It ended kind of abruptly, which was disappointing. I kind of felt like it was a let down after such thorough passages throughout the book.
-A lot of the solutions at the end seemed to come from Buddhist traditions. Which is perfectly fine, but some of the suggestions seemed incompatible with other traditions (like building an alter to the self would be something as a Jew I'd be uncomfortable with). It would have been nice if this could have been interrogated more, since it is a very real intersection and could be interesting to look at. Also, what are the implications of drawing so heavily on Buddhism (and Western interpretations of Buddhism) given the history of the West's corruption of various Asian concepts and rituals? Again, not impossible to discuss, but it felt like a missed opportunity, and it felt more like the authors' were asserting what worked for them personally rather than arguing for a larger framework, which was unfortunate because the overall framework of most of the book was the strongest part.
Don't let any of that prevent you from reading, I'd highly recommend and overall it's really well done.
April 6, 2024
While I am not nonbinary, I have found myself surrounded by many people who are important to me and who are nonbinary or who don't fit into gender norms. As a way to make sure I'm not treating these people as textbooks, I've been trying to find books and resources to read to become familiar with life experiences of people who fall under the trans umbrella. This book in particular was very helpful in the informative way of offering information, self-care and personal experiences. I learned a lot of ways I can help and support the people around me with new outlooks on life and gender expression and experiences and tools to keep in mind as well. I know that no one life is the same and everyone will be experiencing their gender differently but I'm thankful to find books like these that give me (a cis but also queer person) an insight into identities I cannot personally relate to so I can better understand and support the people in my life.
The introduction of this book said that it was written for people who were figuring out their nonbinary (or gender nonconforming) identities, but I feel like as a cis ally, this was a very well written and helpful book for me to read as well. I encourage anyone who is interested in supporting trans-umbrella folks to also take a look at this: it might surprise you how much you'll learn.
I also think this goes far and beyond gender identity in the way it talks about all sorts of binary pairs in the society we live in. For example, the Emotions chapter (rational/emotional) really spoke to me on a personal level and paired nicely with my current therapy experiences and tools and what I've been working through over the last two years. I feel like this book is really great for anyone who wants to break out of society’s binary structure to try to approach life differently and with more compassion and understanding.
The introduction of this book said that it was written for people who were figuring out their nonbinary (or gender nonconforming) identities, but I feel like as a cis ally, this was a very well written and helpful book for me to read as well. I encourage anyone who is interested in supporting trans-umbrella folks to also take a look at this: it might surprise you how much you'll learn.
I also think this goes far and beyond gender identity in the way it talks about all sorts of binary pairs in the society we live in. For example, the Emotions chapter (rational/emotional) really spoke to me on a personal level and paired nicely with my current therapy experiences and tools and what I've been working through over the last two years. I feel like this book is really great for anyone who wants to break out of society’s binary structure to try to approach life differently and with more compassion and understanding.
June 1, 2022
This was a slow go because of some fairly heavy thought content but I really really liked it. The way it’s written is so affirming and I’m setting a reminder to re-read it in a few months or maybe next year. It’s a really really great guide to dismantling a lot of internalized harmful systems that make up dominant western culture.
November 29, 2021
Picked this up to read more about fluid sexuality and gender identity, but learned so much more from it. A lot of it resonated with me deeply. This book hasn’t changed my life, but it has given me a completely different perspective on it.
August 20, 2019
Really enjoyed this. The authors seem more interested in *getting* you to think than telling you *what* to think which I personally appreciate.
September 13, 2021
J'attendais la collection Pluriel•les avec impatience, puisque les ouvrages sont écrits par des concernés sur des sujets de société rarement évoqués. Celui-ci, sur la non binarité est tout simplement passionnant. Je ne pourrais pas tout évoquer ici mais je vous le conseille à 100% si vous souhaitez déconstruire le mode de pensée binaire dans lequel nous évoluons depuis toujours. Cet essai invite à l'instrospection et nous montre que l'on n'est pas obligé d'être une seule chose à la fois mais que nous sommes des êtres pluriels. Il est très dense, puisqu'il s'agit de théorie, je conseille donc de le lire chapitre par chapitre, en plusieurs fois. Mais il est très complet, accessible, coloré et propose des exercices, des pistes de réflexion et des témoignages intéressants. Il n'évoque pas que la non binarité de genre et de sexualités, bien qu'il y ait deux chapitres à ce sujet, mais aussi celle de nos relations, de nos pensées et de nos corps, en abordant la santé mentale, le handicap, l'intimité ou la fluidité. J'ai beaucoup réfléchi à ce que la société m'a toujours imposé alors même que mon identité est plus facile que d'autres. Car les auteurices évoquent souvent l'intersectionnalité et la diversité des individus, autant qu'il y a d'êtres sur cette planète. Iels déconstruisent les normes et nos cultures dominantes, en proposant des alternatives à la pensée binaire. J'ai apprécié leur bienveillance, notamment sur les étiquettes que la société ou nous-même pouvons chercher à avoir, pour se sentir représenté et appartenir à une communauté. Mais je vous en parlerais après ma lecture d'Asexualité, qui me concerne plus particulièrement. Bref, à la lecture de cet ouvrage inclusif, on se sent pleinement écouté et compris, une expérience incroyable !
July 14, 2023
“[S]ocial models of disability regard all of us as interdependent, rather than suggesting that people with disabilities are dependent in order to shore up a myth of everybody else being independent. Being reliant on a carer, for example, is part ofa wider system of interdependency which includes the reliance that everybody has on those who produce our food, remove our garbage, and run public transport. The cultural emphasis on health and being "normal" place bodies with disabilities at the margins because people don't want to be reminded of their interdependency, limitations, pain, and mortality.�
July 23, 2020
Really introspective book on a number of topics, not just non-binary ways of thinking gender and sexuality, but thinking in general: success/failure binaries, good/bad binaries, etc. It gave a lot of food for thought and was written in a way that wasn't too academically overwhelming and was accessible. Being non-binary myself, and bisexual, this was a great read, and has left me thinking a lot about the way I think about the world as a whole, and myself, not just in relation to gender, sexuality, but my whole self.
January 28, 2025
It’s going to take me a while to process this book and I think I’ll have to revisit it soon and make notes as I’m reading. So much to think about beyond the binaries of sex and gender. I found the chapters on Emotions and Thinking particularly thought provoking. So much that resonates about acceptance, relational thinking, interdependence, as well as the ideas of both/and and between thinking, opening up/closing down and embracing uncertainty.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 15, 2020
THIS! I want to recommend this to everyone - anyone who would like to familiarise themselves with or read a concise discussion of issues, questions, and facts around gender, sex, and sexuality, but also to anyone who would like to explore more of our binary thinking and the areas of life in which is occurs and causes problems. After reading this I feel validated and I feel more educated. This is definitely worth a read.
April 2, 2025
Some very cool ideas and I agree with everything being said just repetitive and a drag to get through. I’m never much of an info dump fan and that’s what this felt like. Even though I was very bored because the ideology connect with me so much and who I am I feel I must give it a positive rating.
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