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“Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“Orion brightened. "I have an idea."

"Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained.

"Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident

“Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.”
― Eion Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“I feel a little dizzy," said Orion. "But also wonderfully elated. I feel that I am on the verge of finding a rhyme for the word orange."

"Oxygen deprivation," said Foaly. "Or maybe it's just him.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only been set one task. A hundred applicants were handed a walnut and asked to smash it however they could. Only two succeeded. Pex had shouted at the walnut for a few minutes, then flattened it between his giant palms. Chips had opted for a more controversial method. He placed the walnut on the table, grabbed is interviewer by the ponytail, and used the man's forehead to smash the nut. Both men were hired on the spot. They quickly established themselves as Arno Blunt's most reliable leiutenants for in-house work. They were not allowed outside Chicago, as this could involve map reading, something Pex and Chips were not very good at.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“So, what did you get for me?"
Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans."
"What?" croaked Artemis.
"And a T-shirt.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian?”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."
Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell.
"I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“How do I love thee? wondered Orion. "Let me see. I love thee passionately and eternally...obviously eternally-that goes without saying." Holly blinked sweat from her eyes. "Is he serious?" she called over her shoulder to Foaly. "Oh, absolutely," said the centaur "If he asks you to look for birthmarks, say no immediately." "Oh, I would never." Orion assured her. "Ladies don't look for birthmarks; that is work for jolly fellows like the Goodly Beast and myself. Ladies, like Miss Short, do enough by simply existing. They exude beauty, and that is enough." "I am not exuding anything." said Holly, through gritted teeth. Orion tapped her shoulder. "I beg to differ. You're exuding right now, a wonderful aura. It's pastel blue with little dolphins." Holly gripped the wheel tightly. "I'm going to be sick. Did he just say pastel blue?" "And dolphins, little ones," said Foaly.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Relax, Mr. Diggums. Have another nettle beer, or some spring water." The commander took two bottles from the cooler and offered one to Mulch.
Mulch studied the label. "Derrier? No thanks. You know how they put the bubbles in this stuff?"
Vinyaya's mouth twitched with the ghost of a smile. "I thought it was naturally carbonated."
"Yeah, that's what I thought until I got a prison job at the Derrier plant. They employ every dwarf in the Deeps. They made us sign confidentiality contracts."
Vinyaya was hooked. "So go on, tell me. How do they get the bubbles in?"
Mulch tapped his nose. "Can't say. Breach of contract. All I can say is it involves a huge vat of water and several dwarfs using our ...eh" Mulch pointed to his rear end-"... natural talents."
Vinyaya gingerly replaced her bottle.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Arctic Incident

“It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.
Opal tapped this into her notepad.
Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“Artemis simple-toon”
― Eoin Colfer, The Artemis Fowl Files

“You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it.
This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit?”
― Eoin Colfer, The Lost Colony

“The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

“Very well, I promise. So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" croaked Artemis. "And a T-shirt" ...Artemis took several breaths. "Does the T-shirt have any writing on it?" A rustling of paper crackled through the phone's speakers. "Yes, it's so cool. There's a picture of a boy who for some reason has no neck and only three fingers on each hand, and behind him in this sort of graffiti style is the words RANDOMOSIY. I don't know what that means but it sounds really current." Randomosity though Artemis, and he felt like weeping.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles."

Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Opal Deception

“My bugs don't have bugs.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“how does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.
Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall.
Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Time Paradox

“Artemis: I am not buoyed by that.
Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized.
Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your way back. Then I can make a few pennies wth my verses while you build us a shack and perform circus tricks for passersby."
This was such a surprising statement that Foaly briefly considered jumping into the hole to get away.”
― Eoin Colfer, The Atlantis Complex

“Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselves did nothing to debunk. They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with him wherever he went. While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers' high-risk occupation, no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn't stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery.”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl