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“Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monsters. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant...The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives.”
― Derek Landy

“Are you going to shoot me?' Vengeous sneered. 'I wouldn't be surprised. What would a thing like you know about honor? Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.'

And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said.

China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Kindness suits you."

"Really? I think I'm quite allergic to it.”
― Derek Landy

“What is it?' Stephanie whispered.
'That, my dear Valkyrie, is what we call a monster.'
She looked at Skulduggery. 'You don't know what it is, do you?'
'I told you what it is, it's a horrible monster. Now shut up before it comes over here and eats us.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“So that plan worked out well."

"Skulduggery, your entire plan consisted of, and I quote, "Let's get up close and then see what happens."'

"All the same," he said, "I think the whole thing worked out rather beautifully.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“There’s no such thing as winning or losing. There is won and there is lost, there is victory and defeat. There are absolutes. Everything in between is still left to fight for. Serpine will have won only when there is no one left to stand against him. Until then, there is only the struggle, because tides do what tides do–they turn.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“I need a weapon,�� Valkyrie muttered.
“You’re an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained in
a variety of martial arts by some of the best fighters in the world,�� Skulduggery pointed out. “I’m fairly certain that makes you a weapon.��
“I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick.��
“I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry,�� she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.��
“If the bad man comes,�� Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.��
“We make a great team.��
“Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,�� he said.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“We didn't die,' she said.

Of course not. I'm too clever to die, and you're too pretty.'

I am pretty,' Valkryie said, managing a grin.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“I'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“Are you kidding? I jumped off a building -- of course I'm hurt.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“What is it with you women?" he yelled, kicking at the air. "You come into our lives, you take everythin'! Throughout the years you got little pieces of me, of my very SOUL, and NOW? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even SHAVE?”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Valkyrie: “You are such a moron.��
Skulduggery: “Don't be jealous of my genius.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“Then I reckon we got ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff."
...
Nobody moved, or said anything, for the next few moments.
"Old-fashioned standoffs are mighty borin”
― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“Found something?��
“No, sorry. I thought I had, but, no, it turned out to be, uh�� more floor.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“I'm sorry, I don't know what any of you want, or why guns and knives are being waved around, or why the girl has just been taken hostage, but everyone seems to be acting like having a TALKING SKELETON in the room is perfectly normal. And you, where are your eyes? How can you see? How come the only people with eyes in this room are me and her?”
― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I love you all, even those I don’t particularly like. That’s you, Beryl.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“You think Bernadette Maguire killed him?��
“Uh�� no. She’s, like I said, she’s old.��
“Old people can kill people too.��
“I know, but…��
“She could be a ninja.��
“She’s not a ninja, for God’s sake. She’s somebody’s great grandmother.��
“I want you to think carefully about this, Kenny. Have you ever seen her with a sword?��
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“How about throwing stars?��
“This is ridiculous.��
“Have you ever seen her dressed up as a ninja? That would have been my first clue.��
The girl sucked in her cheeks so she wouldn't laugh out loud.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“What would killing the Elders result in?"
"Panic? Fear? Three empty parking spaces in the Sanctuary?”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“We're not really intruding," he called down. "This is all a big misunderstanding."
"Stop right there!" shouted one of them.
Skulduggery held his hand to an ear he didn't have.
"What's that?"
"Stop!"
"Keep going?"
"STOP!"
"OK, we'll keep going.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Can I just point something out?" Fletcher asked. "That is an awful plan. On a scale of one to ten - the Trojan War being a ten and General Custer verus all those Indians being a one - your plan is a zero. I don't think it is a plan at all. I think it's just a series of happenings that are, to be honest, unlikely to follow on from each other in the way in which everyone's probably hoping."
"Do you have a better plan?" Valkyrie asked.
"Of course not. I'm a man of action, not thought."
Valkyrie nodded. "You're definitely not a man of thought."
"Why are you in charge anyway? What do you know about organising something like this?"
"I have faith," Tanith said.
"As do I," said Ghastly.
Valkyrie smiled at them gratefully. "So you think the plan will work?"
"God, no," said Ghastly.
"Sorry, Val," said Tanith”
― Derek Landy

“Every solution to every problem is simple. It's the distance between the two where the mystery lies.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.
'I could have tripped.'
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
'I'm joking,' he said at last.
She relaxed. 'Really?'
'Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“I think zombies are kind of cute.��
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“I may be thinking about bunnies. Which one has the fluffy little tail, zombies or bunnies?��
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“Then it’s bunnies I’m thinking of.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The rain battered the cottage. Valkyrie risked a look up at Skulduggery.
“What is it?�� she whispered.
“It’s a box,�� he whispered back.
“What kind of box?��
“A wooden one.��
She gave him a look.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I kill a sofa for you and you go and sit in a chair?�� Skulduggery asked. “I don’t think you appreciate the sacrifice that has been made for you.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Valkyrie dialed Skulduggery's number and he picked up. 'Hey,' she said, 'It's me.'
Skulduggery paused. 'No it's not. If it were me, then I'd be talking to myself, and I don't do that any more. I certainly don't RING myself. That's one of the first signs of madness, and if it's not, it should be.'
She sighed. 'Are you finished talking nonsense?'
'I haven't talked nonsense all morning. I miss it.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“By the way, all joking aside, do I call you Ghastly or Elder Bespoke?'
'You can call me whatever you like.'
Vex nodded. 'Thank you, Gladys.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer