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I was asked by Travis to post this article I wrote for the website Confessions of the Paranormal. See which ones you agree or disagree with!
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As a writer and avid reader of vampire fiction, I’ve seen a lot of different themes, styles, and clichés come in and out of popularity over the years. Rather than nit-pick which is which, it’s easier to call all of these things tropes, which is a more neutral term that has come to mean any sort of regularly occurring metaphor, symbol, or literary device.

With that in mind, I decided to come up with a personal list of what I think are the top 5 vampire-related tropes that have become over-used recently and need to be put to rest. You might agree, you might disagree, and you might even want to put a sharp wooden stake through my eye, but I hope this will give any vampire authors some food for thought.

To be fair, none of these tropes are beyond redemption, but I think that many of them have become so familiar that authors are beginning to include them in their stories without any good reason. Maybe they think they’re expected now. That way leads to Blandsville and the Land of Been There, Seen That.

Without further introduction, here’s my list:


5. Monsters, Monsters Everywhere!
This is the current vogue in Urban Fantasy and Paranormal Romance that owes its popularity to authors like Laurel K. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris, Jim Butcher, Kim Harrison, and others. The logic goes that, if vampires are real, so is every other damn mythological creature, horror archetype, folktale monster, and nursery rhyme character! So now we have an avalanche of kick-ass monster hunters who sleep with vampires, fight tooth fairies, shoot it out with Sasquatches, barter with leprechauns, and ride unicorns into battle against demon-possessed Minotaurs while arch-angels battle candy-house witches in the skies above!

Seriously, aside from comedic value, what do all of these creatures bring? Ask yourself if your series really needs the entire monster menagerie before you throw them in because “everyone else is doing it.� I’ve gotten to the point where I find it refreshing to read a story about vampires that doesn’t feel the need to include every other type of monster, too. Build your world carefully. The best kind of fantasy always keeps a foot grounded in the real world.


4. Putting On The Game Face
This one we owe to movies like The Lost Boys and TV shows like Forever Knight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Angel, but because of their popularity it has begun to crop up in vampire novels as well. This is the idea that vampires alone aren’t scary enough, so they have to have a special “monster face� that they bring out for feeding or whenever they want to surprise someone into screaming and running away. C’mon, really? A risen corpse who can socialize with you before leading you off alone to drink the blood from your body isn’t scary enough? A serial killer with super-human powers isn’t enough?

I’m a bit of a nit-picker, I admit, so the idea that muscles re-arrange themselves in the vampires face all for the purpose of giving them a wicked Halloween look just doesn’t make any sense to me. Movies do it because their special effects guys get bored, but there’s no excuse for it in a novel. If your vampires are some form of demon, that’s great, but either keep them possessed and looking normal or make it a permanent transformation. The reason vampires are fascinating and frightening is because they are the monster with the human face.
4.a. Everybody Was Kung-fu Fighting
Just a quick addendum to that last bit is another that we owe to Joss Whedon and the Blade series. Not every damn vampire in the world is a martial arts expert! Outside of China and Japan, nobody in the f***ing world knew anything about this style of fighting until the 20th Century! Ancient vampire sword master: no problem. Ancient vampire kick-boxer? No. Just no.


3. Playing With Your Food
You see this in so damn many movies and books and it just makes me want to scream every time! A bunch of vampires get some humans together for dinner and, before you know it, there’s vampires laughing with blood smeared all over their faces, vampires tearing open jugular veins with gleeful abandon and spraying blood all over the wall, and vampires wearing entrails like Mardi Gras beads! Yes, yes, we’re supposed to recoil at how savage and capital-E Evil these vampires are, right? Instead, I find myself thinking “How pathetic!�

Seriously, when’s the last time you and a bunch of friends had dinner and poured the soup down the front of your party clothes? Laughed and poured gravy all over your face? Scooped up half your mashed potatoes and threw them against the wall before shoving your face to the plate to lick up the rest? If your answer to any of these questions is a number other than never, then please remind me to never accept a dinner invitation from you. Even evil people can have table manners! When blood is your food supply, why slop it around like a three-year-old? Vampires can be cruel without being sloppy and, in my book, an elegant predator is far more interesting and frightening. Leave the mindless mauling to the werewolves, please.


2. Romeo and Juliet � Again � and Again �
How many times do readers need to read the same story before moving on? The first thought that comes to mind is Twilight, but this formula has been going far longer than She Who Must Not Be Named has been writing. Vampire Romeo and Human Juliet, Werewolf Romeo and Vampire Juliet, Werewolf Romeo and Human Juliet, Vampire Romeo and Vampire Juliet—it’s all been done. Several times.

Now, I’m not saying get rid of romance in a vampire story, because that would be a ridiculous request (not to mention killing an entire genre), but let’s try to do something just a little new! For one thing, keep in mind that Romeo and Juliet was effective because it was a tragedy! They both die at the end! It doesn’t work out! In every novel I read with this kind of story, however, it always works out hunky-dorey in the end. I’m a romantic, too, and I’d love to believe that love conquers all, but if you’re going to pull that story off then you damn well better earn it! Elevate your star-crossed lovers above the stereotype with strong characterization and throw in some twists! Here’s another idea: Othello, Much Ado About Nothing, The Tempest, and many other Shakespeare plots are out there just waiting for a clever supernatural riff. Let Romeo and Juliet rest in peace for a while.
2.a. Boy, Girl, Boy
I’m going to make a few female readers mad here, but I don’t care, because it has to said. Does EVERY female heroine in EVERY paranormal series have to be loved/ lusted after by EVERY male creature she encounters? Furthermore, do we have to put up with the same damn “love triangle� over and over again? “Gee, I love Hottie McFang, but I also get super-juicy every time Rugged Wolfbane comes near me! What’s a girl to do? My life is, like, so complicated!� I realize that this is a cherished and time-worn female fantasy, but seriously! If every series with a male protagonist included the hero having a threesome with different gorgeous twin sisters in every book, the feminists in the audience would start campaigning for book burning!


1. I’m Too Sexy To Be A Monster
Okay, here’s my least favorite trope in recent fiction: vampires who have been neutered so much for romance purposes that they hardly bear any resemblance to vampires anymore! We’ve all seen this, I’m sure: the super-rich, super sexy, super powerful vampire romance god who maybe has a problem with sunlight (but sometimes not even that) and really only needs, say, a wine glass� worth of blood a night. Really? How convenient! He’s always a fantastic and considerate lover, just dark and mysterious enough to be attractive, but otherwise completely harmless. Blech!

This is not a vampire. This is a male model with a blood fetish! I fully support the idea that vampires can be both heroic and villainous, but let’s try to keep some vague connection to the mythology, shall we? The vampire should be given his due and there should always be real danger present or else you’re just contributing to the slow sterilization of the vampire genre. Let’s keep our vampires deserving of the name, okay?


So, that’s the list. I hope you enjoyed it. I’d love to hear any reactions or your personal additions to the list in the comments! Stay thirsty, my friends!

Lol! I can't breathe from laughing so hard!! I have NEVER wanted to be stuck in any kind of love triangle, especially not one where both the men have an innate instinct to kill me!

Fortunately, I think that we are moving back to the "true" vampire, *fingers crossed*. I certainly aimed for that with my book, The Hunters. (Well, except for the playing with their food thing. But it is more like cat and mouse!)

I am glad I am not the only reader who is tired of these tropes!

Hopefully I'm not the only writer already making the change ;)

Good article. I'm afraid that vampires in general have lost much of their potency and have become a tired cliché.

Entertaining article! I never read vampire books, personally, for exactly the reasons you stated. Even reading one of the original vampire novels would likely get on my nerves thanks to all the knock-offs I hear about.

Aw, that is too sad. Vampires will always hold a special place in my heart (not for loving, but for killing!) But I too have been overwhelmed by the fandom they have received. Now society is ruining zombies the same way :(

Thanks, everyone! Glad you enjoyed it! So, are there any tropes I missed that you have noticed?

Definitely agree with number 3, really gross! Playing with your food. Reminded me of Hanibal Lecter who was the most mannered sociopathic serial canibal ever. Vampires should take a lesson from him. He is very scary.

Loved the whole article, thanks for posting.

I used to read vampire novels and stopped for most of the reasons you list. I'm particularly done with human-vampire romance, which I realize isn't what you were talking about exactly with the Romeo and Juliet point. This is just me; I get it that others like this fantasy. To me, it's dressed up necrophilia. ICK. I'm more for killing the vampires. Or vampires in love with vampires is fine. And I don't like cross-species stuff either (werecreatures and humans, etc.). That, my friends, is dressed up bestiality. But hey, I'm not judging. People can have their fetishes. I'm just not into it, myself. I'll read a good novel about a human who hunts vampires or werecreatures or who even allies with them, but having sex with them is JUST. TOO. ICKY.

I blame She Who Will Never Be Named in My Presence for this neutering of the vampire genre in modern books. I agree with all of these tired tropes.

The ancient vampire martial artist makes me laugh pretty hard, but I disagree with you to an extent. If they're ancient, then they've been around and have traveled pretty damn far and wide in order to be able to learn certain styles. Honestly, I'd have to say an ancient western vampire martial would be believable if he were an Olympian that was turned. Pankration, that is all.

Drago wrote: "I blame She Who Will Never Be Named in My Presence for this neutering of the vampire genre in modern books. I agree with all of these tired tropes.

The ancient vampire martial artist makes me lau..."

There you go Vampire Olympians. Rewrite 300 on that theme. :)

That is not actually such a bad idea, if done right! I had the idea of writing Judas (yes, the one from the bible!) as turning into a vampire, but couldn't quite get it to sit right in my own head! The guys from 300 as vampires?! But you know, some fanfic girl would come along and ruin that ala fifty shades!

Travis wrote: "Drago wrote: "I blame She Who Will Never Be Named in My Presence for this neutering of the vampire genre in modern books. I agree with all of these tired tropes.

The ancient vampire martial artis..."
Vampire Olympic Games. :P

Heidi wrote: "That is not actually such a bad idea, if done right! I had the idea of writing Judas (yes, the one from the bible!) as turning into a vampire, but couldn't quite get it to sit right in my own head!..."

Dracula 2000 did that idea, revealing that Dracula was in fact Judas. It did do a pretty neat job of explaining the common Dracula tropes, I admit, I just wish it had been a less cheesy movie.

Great post, Brian!
That's some funny stuff!

Thanks, William! I felt it was important to make the article funny, since it's essentially a list of complaints. Nobody wants to hear someone bitch and moan about anything for three pages without a few laughs.

Do you ever visit that T.V. tropes site?
The section on The Giant Ham killed me.

I have been there, but mostly on the vampire tropes page. I have to explore more there, that's some funny stuff!

Ha! I was laughing so hard my sides hurt. I can definitely agree with all of them, especially the love triangle.

Here's a trope: Vampires attending high school. You are immortal, a monster, and have the equivalent of superpowers. Why would you waste you time attending school with children?

Noree, love it! That would be my worst nightmare! (I mean, it kind of is... I often have nightmares that I had to go back to high school!)

Noree wrote: "Ha! I was laughing so hard my sides hurt. I can definitely agree with all of them, especially the love triangle.

Here's a trope: Vampires attending high school. You are immortal, a monster, and ha..."


I forgot about that one! I never understood that either. Last thing I would do if immortal was go back to high school!

Guess I did pretty well with "Bloodline", it has none of your "tropes".

Heidi wrote: "Noree, love it! That would be my worst nightmare! (I mean, it kind of is... I often have nightmares that I had to go back to high school!)"

Yeah, you're right! Especially in YA, that's becoming a new trope. High school was one of the worst parts of my life, so going back over and over would be my equivalent of Hell!

Heidi, Cynthia, and Brian: I completely agree. I hated high school, I have so many other things I'd want to do if I was a vampire, like travel the world or take over a country.

Playing devil's advocate for a moment here, but I can see going back to high school. At least, doing it once, for fun (not somehow doing it over and over for eternity). When I got to be in my twenties I finally figured out a lot about how people work, and I used to wish I could go back to high school because I was sure I'd do a better job of it the second time. I'd be popular, know how to talk back to the teachers when necessary, not let the jerks get to me, etc. So I can see that as a wish fulfillment some young vamp might go in for. Like I said, though: ONCE. Otherwise you're entering Wooderson territory: "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

Sophia wrote: "Playing devil's advocate for a moment here, but I can see going back to high school. At least, doing it once, for fun (not somehow doing it over and over for eternity). When I got to be in my twent..."

If I was a vampire going back to high school in all my worldly undeadness, I would be there for one reason: to kill off all those people that bugged me so much the first time around.

That's what you call a target rich environment.

:)

Sophia wrote: "Playing devil's advocate for a moment here, but I can see going back to high school. At least, doing it once, for fun (not somehow doing it over and over for eternity). When I got to be in my twent..."

Yeah, I'm not the type of person that wants to go back and try and do things over like high school. My past, mistakes and all, shaped the kind of person I am today. I can only take what I know now and move forward. Even if I became a vampire there are so many other things I would want to do rather than going back. Still, I suppose I could understand a vampire wanted to attend high school because they never had and wanted the experience...

Brian wrote: "I was asked by Travis to post this article I wrote for the website Confessions of the Paranormal. See which ones you agree or disagree with!
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As ..."

Brian...I really like you even more after this article. You're a writer after my own heart! The Shakespeare ref and hilarity nailed it.

I think we need a comeback of tragedy in vamp stories. Seriously...it's a dark subgenre. It needs to be a lot more tragic. I am so tired of happy endings in horror stories! Darn you Steven King!

Michelle wrote: "Brian wrote: "I was asked by Travis to post this article I wrote for the website Confessions of the Paranormal. See which ones you agree or disagree with!
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Thanks, Michelle! I was really uncertain how much snark to put into this topic at first, but I am glad now that I decided to go for it. I'm a huge Shakespeare fan and really do think that there's some wonderful stuff that's un-used or under-utilized.

They always say, if you're going to steal then steal from the best!

Travis wrote: "Sophia wrote: "Playing devil's advocate for a moment here, but I can see going back to high school. At least, doing it once, for fun (not somehow doing it over and over for eternity). When I got to..."

Yeah, but school is on during the day and vampires operate at night...unless you targeted night school! :)

R.M.F wrote: "Travis wrote: "Sophia wrote: "Playing devil's advocate for a moment here, but I can see going back to high school. At least, doing it once, for fun (not somehow doing it over and over for eternity)..."

That depends on the vampires. Even Dracula could go out in the day, he just didn't have any powers. The whole burning in the sun thing actually came along from movies.

I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Great article! And I especially agree with you about the love triangle. It's hard to feel sorry for a girl going "Gee I have a tough life, all these perfect men want me and I have to choose just one. What am I to do?" And the kung-fu fighting, sterilization of vampires, all of it really. As an author myself who's considering writing a vampire book, I plan to tape this next to my computer so I don't accidentally get sucked into one of these overused tropes. Again, really funny and well written article. Joined this group just so I could comment and tell you that (although now plan to explore group a bit - it looks interesting). :-)

Lola wrote: "I haven't laughed that hard in a while. Great article! And I especially agree with you about the love triangle. It's hard to feel sorry for a girl going "Gee I have a tough life, all these perfect ..."

Thanks so much! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Please enjoy the group, it's a great bunch of people!

LOL! Here- here- on the Love Triangle angle.