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Near the end of the book, Amy quasi-defends her actions as follows:

“’I just want you to be happy, Amy.� How many times did he say that and I took it to mean: ‘I just want you to be happy, Amy, because that’s less work for me.� But maybe I was unfair. Well not unfair, but confused. No one I’ve loved has ever not had an agenda. So how could I know?� (394)

NNEDV’s VP of Development & Innovation, Cindy Southworth, decries the “intergenerational cycle of violence� as follows: “When you think that one in three girls, one in six boys will be a victim of child sexual abuse before they’re 18; one in three women, or one in six men are not perpetrating crimes against people every day. So the majority of victims are resilient and strong and fabulous and live wonderful lives and don’t hurt anyone. [Abusers] make intentional choices to do these horrific acts, and while I feel bad for the small child [they were], there’s no excuse.�*

What do you think about “the intergenerational cycle of violence�? Do you think abusers are victims of their past, or do they make choices to harm others?


* All In with Chris Hayes (August 1, 2013)

I think the cycle is strong and it somehow sustains itself. The last book I read The Sabi by Diane Brown also shows how things are passed down from one generation to the next, and how difficult it is to break.
I have just finished Gone Girl and those themes about violence and generational "pass downs" or how we become products of where and how we grow up, are strong.
In the end they make choices, but they have a strong inclination, and difficult to break free from

I think it's six of one, half dozen of the other. When it comes to parenting and relationships, I strongly believe that "the cycle repeats itself" because those are the behaviors that one witnessed at a formative time.

My mother was very abusive to my sister and me. Her mother (my grandmother) was very abusive to her and her own sisters. I think my mother simply learned that to be a mother is to be abusive - her only model of parenting was abusive, and that's all she knew to enact. Had my mother been given early intervention, attended parenting classes - were such things available in the earl 1980s? - maybe she could have been a different parent.

I think that model is more true than some kind of genetic inheritance model.

I want to push back a bit on this 'learned behavior' and 'generational violence'. Yes, I agree that if you grow up witnessing violence, it is more likely that you will use violence or be a victim of violence, research shows us that to be true. But I don't accept it's because people think it's okay or acceptable. If that were the case, then the vast majority of interpersonal violence wouldn't happen in private. If people who grew up witnessing violence believed it was normal, then they would talk about it; instead of knowing, often without words, that they are NOT to talk about it. I think 'it's what a grew up with' or 'it's all I know' is a handy excuse and tactic of batterers.

I agree with Kimp. Not all abusers come from an violent home, and not all violent homes create abusers.

Ashley wrote: "I agree with Kimp. Not all abusers come from an violent home, and not all violent homes create abusers."

I agree as well. If abusers are only following what they know why would they take such drastic measures to be sure the "public eye" is transfixed on their greatness?