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Jesse was sixteen the first time he turned into a snake. Not long afterwards he learned to disguise himself as a tiger, and even mastered the ability to grow wings. This wasn’t completely unexpected, though. Jesse was a shapeshifter with unparalleled skills, passed down and collected by his ancestors through the pendant hanging around his neck.

In a world where magic can be traced back generations, mastering the ability to morph into an animal is rather common. Mastering the ability to morph into many isn’t. But Jesse’s pendant is exceptionally powerful. It is special. It is rare.

It is also cursed.

When the magic within the stone begins to unveil a past of darkness, murder, and revenge, Jesse’s only choice is to trace back its power and destroy it. But ancient magic is deceitful, and the stone’s powers have been split in three. In order to destroy it, Jesse must first restore it, beginning with the two shapeshifters living in the human world, oblivious of their connection with him.

Face-to-face with dark forces, binding curses, and a past that seems bent on destroying him, Jesse risks everything to piece together the ancient legacy that binds him, only to discover an even more sinister secret hiding deep within him.

I like how it starts. The story sounds interesting.

But the 2nd paragraph where you said "In a world where magic..." slows the pace because you already hooked the reader with the first paragraph and started describing the pendant.

Maybe you could delete the start of the 2nd paragraph and continue into the pendant being a curse.

@Jevon - great point! Thank you :-)

(Sounds like an interesting story.)

I'm trying to put my analyst hat on but it's not working too well... It doesn't help that I don't know exactly what is needed for a query.

So I'll look at it as if it were a normal blurb.

Strangely enough, I love the second paragraph. It flows better than the first so as a blurb, I'd skip that one (the first, and maybe try to add crumbs of it to the second, but not all). It keeps the thing more mysterious.

Now for the second part. I'm not sure I understand it well. He needs to put the stone back together. That much I understood, what I'm a little lost is here: 'In order to destroy it, Jesse must first restore it, beginning with the two shapeshifters living in the human world.'
I am guessing they have 2 of the 3 pieces, but the way you put it, it's not clear why he needs to begin with them. I mean, is there an order to retrieve them or? The other thing is 'Jesse must first restore it, beginning with... He's going to restore the two shapeshifters? (Ok I know that's not what you mean but it still comes out a little like that.)

The last paragraph sounds good to me. You end up with a huge unknown, which is great.

Hope this help a bit and does not confuse you too much.

@G.G. - It is a bit of both. When I said 'restore it' I don't mean the actual stone. I mean the power that is contained within it (see previous sentence). Also, Jesse in a way restores the other two shapeshifters too, meaning he reveals to them the true nature of the powers they share. I guess maybe I need to clarify the ideas a little bit.

How about just keep that last part out and just keep:

In order to destroy it, Jesse must first restore it.

And then go to the last paragraph?

@G.G. - That's a possibility. The issue that I'm having is that the book is written from three distinct POVs (all three of the shapeshifters that share this power, beginning with Jesse who is the one that introduces the other two). I feel that I need to hint to the other two characters in some way since they two lead the story. I've been wrecking my brain about this.

I see your point for the two shape shifters. So why not just say that Jesse will seek the help of two shape shifters to fulfill his goal?

That's my problem with the query. In my mind, this was done to catch the attention of whoever it is sent to and once you got it, then they'd ask for more Info.
I could be wrong...

Would this help?

G.G. - I am working on the revised synopsis. Thanks for the link. They actually also have examples of great query letters. I'm going to try to be a bit more concise. Will share final product soon :-)

Cool. I admit I've been worried that I might have been too hard on your query. Yet just telling you I liked it would not have helped you improve it, which in the end is the goal no matter how great it was in the beginning. I'm looking forward to read the new one. :)

G.G. - Haha, oh no, darling! I've got a thick skin and I'm used to constructive criticism. Your feedback was fantastic! I'm just pregnant and scattered brain of late. Plus, I updated my feed settings and somehow ended up disabling the notifications. So I apologize if I didn't reply sooner. I will re-post the new synopsis as soon as I get it done. I'm having a couple of other fellow writers read it too. The more feedback the better :-) Thank you!

All right, guys. What do you think about these changes?

Jesse was sixteen the first time he turned into a snake. Not long afterwards he learned to disguise himself as a tiger, and even mastered the ability to grow wings. This wasn’t completely unexpected, though. Jesse was a shapeshifter with unparalleled skills, passed down and collected by his ancestors through the pendant hanging around his neck.

In a world where magic can be accumulated and stored, mastering the ability to morph into several animals is anything but common. But Jesse’s pendant is exceptionally powerful, as is his bloodline. The pendant facilitates his access to the powers of his lineage, and it connects him to an ancient force long ago forgotten.

It also happens to be cursed.

When the magic within the stone begins to unveil a past of obsession, darkness, and revenge, Jesse determines to find the source of its power and destroy it—even if this means sinking deeper into its dark power. But when his plan is threatened—not by the curse, but by the girl responsible for its existence—Jesse begins to question everything he thought he knew about himself, only to discover an even more sinister secret hiding deep within him.

@M.C.
I think you're approaching this from the wrong angle. A query shouldn't read like a mini story. Don't try to be elegant or flowery. You need short sentences that pack a punch. Introduce your character, his conflict and a little of the plot. Give us an enticing first sentence. Maybe something like "When Jesse shifted into a snake at the age of sixteen it was no surprise..." Explain why it was no surprise. Then tell us what is different, what changed and then the pendant.
As a book reader, if your 1st paragraph was the blurb of a book, I'd leave it in the store. That should be a red flag because I really love fantasy. Still, maybe others wouldn't feel this way. The problem with publishing and queries is that it is so subjective.
If you can, go to the query shark site and get immersed in the archives. The agent running the site (Janet Reid) has great advice.

Adding to my previous post, the sentence "It also happens to be cursed" is a great sentence. Leave it!

Also, your last sentence is 41! words long. A big no-no for queries.

@Claire - Thank you for your honesty! You are right. When it comes to query letters the whole process can be very subjective. I will check out the website you mentioned. I myself have done a lot of research from other sites as well, and the advices I've found can vary greatly.

I really like your approach with the first sentence. It would make the concept more direct. The only thing that makes me a little hesitant is that a synopsis on a query letter isn't necessarily the same as a blurb. A blurb is a teaser. A hundred words that will captivate the reader into purchasing a book. The synopsis on a query on the other hand isn't only meant to captivate the agent, it is also meant as a pitch of the book, sometimes on a deeper level. In fact, if you look at examples of the best query letters in sites such as Writers Digest, the pitches are way too long to be considered blurbs.

Like I said though, I really liked your approach and direction, and you are right about it all being subjective. I will research the site and look through their archives. THANK YOU! I really appreciate your feedback!

@Claire - I also already updated the last paragraph entirely. Thanks!

I know that a blurb and a query are different (although I have heard of a case where someone's query was used as a blurb for their book once it was published because it was so good) but I meant to show you how I felt about the first paragraph. You have to do your utmost to snag an agents attention as quickly as you can. You can't wait for the second paragraph to do the work because you risk the agent never getting to that point in the query.

@Claire - which is why I really liked your approach. It was way more direct and straight to the point. What did you think of the other paragraphs? Were they too wordy as well?

@Claire - you mentioned that the last sentence was too long. I agree and I already updated it. Now I am just wondering if there's any other areas that seem too complex or lengthy to you.

I was going to say the last, but you said you fixed that. Someone earlier mentioned combining the first two paragraphs. I think it's a good idea.

@ Clair, Jevon & G.G.

Just wanted to thank you guys again for your help and feedback. It has helped me reconsider my entire approach. I'm trying something completely different this time around. Since the book is written from 3 points of view, I am tackling the synopsis from another angle. Would love to know your thoughts. (Clair: that site is gold!)

The last thing Jeanne Anderson thought she’d be doing this year was trying to break a 200-year-old curse. With a shapeshifter named Jesse. In a parallel world ruled by secret societies. But that’s exactly what happened.

Caught in a place bound by ancient magic, Jeanne discovers she is anything but common. Her own shapeshifting abilities date back generations and the power of the curse is feared by all who meet her. Desperate to free the boy she has come to care for, Jeanne will stop at nothing to piece together the secrets binding him. Even if this means risking his life in the process.

But when her attempts are threatened by the power of her own feelings, Jeanne is confronted by the reality of her circumstances. Jesse won’t survive. Unless she sacrifices everything. Face-to-face with evil forces, Jesse and Jeanne must embrace a past of darkness, murder, and revenge in order to break the curse. Only to find an even more sinister trap laid for them since before they were even born.

I love this one. It's cleaner and 'crispier'.

There is one thing that caught my eyes though. You have a sentence that sounds funny. 'With a shapeshifter named Jesse.' There is no verb, and it feels as if it should be attached to another. I've seen people use fragments to emphasize on something, but yours don't seem to be done for that purpose.
Aside from that little thing, which you may have planned, I don't think I'd change anything.
Thumbs up!

M.C it sounds much better!
The second and third sentences are fragments. As GG said, they might have been done on purpose, but they sound fragmented (pardon the pun?) Maybe join them, change the order around a bit?
Also, in the second paragraph I'd leave out the Caught in a place and just start with bound by. In my opinion it'd read cleaner.
Well done! It takes courage to revamp something entirely!

@ Clair & G.G.

You guys are SO awesome! Thank you for sticking around and helping me find the right groove for the synopsis.

Wow, lookit all that dynamite advice, M.C.
At the risk of jumping into the pool, I'd suggest putting the query away altogether for a week or two and then take it out. I guarantee you'll see it in a new light and be able to make your own decisions on proper changes (and keeps).
I totally jumped into the pool, didnt I?

@Scotty

I know! G.G. Claire & Jevon have been amazing :-)

That's the plan. I'll concentrate on other things and let it sit for a bit. It is amazing how a little break helps your perspective.

@Scotty - and you can jump into the pool anytime. Never apologize for speaking your mind :-)