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Sandberg references Carol Frohlinger and Deborah Kolb, founders of Negotiating Women Inc., and their description of “Tiara Syndrome,�� which they describe as a phenomenon wherein women expect that if they “keep doing their job well someone will notice them and place a tiara on their head.�� Sandberg asserts that despite the fact that hard work and results should be recognized, they often are not. Instead of waiting for our power to be seen by our coworkers and supervisors, women need to be assertive and use all available opportunities to demonstrate their power and worth.

Though Sandberg is making a powerful assertion about a woman’s need to be more assertive in the workplace, this conflicts with her other assertions that women who are more assertive in the workplace are often penalized for this more “masculine behavior.�� Do you find that these two ideas to be in conflict?

What do you think about the concept of “Tiara Syndrome?�� Do you think that women should risk being penalized in order to avoid it? Have you witnessed “Tiara Syndrome�� in your own work-life or in your workplace?

This is something that I'm definitely guilty of. However, it's really hard to think about being more assertive when the research indicates that women are penalized for it. I was frustrated with this part of the book - it seemed like Sandberg was saying "Women are bad because they don't ask for what they deserve; however, they are penalized when they do ask for what they deserve. So...you should just ask for it anyway and just deal with it. It will probably go well?"
Not very actionable advice.

I think that they can conflict, but not always. Too often, we have an individualistic workplace culture that is all-or-nothing - you are either a team player or individually ambitious. But I think there's a way to be part of your team, aware and helpful to the broader issues, but still outspoken in a diplomatic way about your needs and your achievements. I've watched many women excel, not because they were only after acknowledgements for just their work, but because they worked to highlight both their work and others work. I think Sandberg got to this a little when she talked about some powerhouse women getting together and sharing their work - they couldn't go back and toot their own horns as much as they could brag about each other. I think an eye out for others, your team, and your organization can go a long way in allowing women to speak up, advocate about the work being done, and not see all the backlash. Part of it is that while men may be less judged when they seem individually ambitious, they are often still not liked very much or respected - the cut-throat seeming drive for success is just more expected. It's not that they are playing into well-liked roles, but just expected roles. Because we expect it, it causes less gossip and resentment. Maybe...