Bea Pilotin's Blog
February 14, 2019
The Heartbreaking Pain Of Loving Someone I Can't Have
It has been a long time since I’ve written something about us. It has been a long time since I wrote something about how I felt- my longings, my regrets and what ifs. And I think I had enough, you know?
You were twenty-four and I was eighteen and you thought I was inappropriate for you. You never tried to love me. You said we were too young and you were stuck on the ‘what ifs� and timing. I had wished you were vulnerable back then and less scared to give us a chance despite our differences. If you had opened your heart to me, things could have been different. Maybe this time I’d be writing poetry embedded with love. Or, maybe this time I wouldn’t know how it felt like to have this heart-wrenching pain of loving someone I couldn’t have.
I walked out of your life because you hurt me, but I wish I hadn’t left. Yes, I left without a word and came back without warning. I showed up late- too late. You already have your own life out there and I’m still here, surviving the swell of pain and loneliness of being alone.
It hurts. It will always hurt. And I only want you, always you, to touch the places that hurt the most.
I have lived my whole life feeling oddly envious without any escape. I envy that ‘someone� who gets the chance to see and hold you, to talk to you, and to be with you after a bad day. I envy that ‘someone� who hugs and kisses you goodnight. I envy that ‘someone� who showers you good morning kisses and who gets the chance to watch you smile as you open your eyes each morning.
How lucky that ‘someone� who hears you sing a beautiful love song and gets to dance with you in a crowd. Who sits across from you at a table, smelling that brew black coffee while listening to the tweeting of the small birds and staring at the marks of brilliant reds and oranges below the horizon.
How lucky is that some
one!
It’s true; I never have a beautiful life that most people have because I am a woman who is alone in bed at night, who cries until the birds of dawn pick away the debris of darkness. I’m not an ideal woman. I’m no one’s dream.
I am a woman who smiles to cover up so much pain and who lies about being fine.
I am a woman who pretends that nothing is breaking me and nothing is hurting me.
I am a woman who honestly admits that I will die alone while watching you smile and hold hand with someone else in photographs I will never be in.
I am a woman who wishes, hopes and prays of holding you and feeling you as you fall asleep beside me.
I am a woman who loves too much and who never stops loving even when all she feels is pain of a broken heart.
I am a woman who bleeds from her heart, who falls apart and pulls herself together again.
But I want you to know that my love for you isn’t lost in me. I will keep it so I could have something to carry with me through the period of aloneness.
You will always be the most beautiful part in my memory. It’s the kind of beautiful that will forever hold a special place in my life. You are the one I’ve always wanted from love. You are always the one who carves and fills forever in my heart. Please know that I’m not going to forget you. It’s your familiar grin and your lovely stare that keep the smile on my face and the love I have for you. I will always remember the way you make my mornings beautiful by the thought of you.
I know you were never mine and will never be, but I want you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart and I will always love you from afar.
You were twenty-four and I was eighteen and you thought I was inappropriate for you. You never tried to love me. You said we were too young and you were stuck on the ‘what ifs� and timing. I had wished you were vulnerable back then and less scared to give us a chance despite our differences. If you had opened your heart to me, things could have been different. Maybe this time I’d be writing poetry embedded with love. Or, maybe this time I wouldn’t know how it felt like to have this heart-wrenching pain of loving someone I couldn’t have.
I walked out of your life because you hurt me, but I wish I hadn’t left. Yes, I left without a word and came back without warning. I showed up late- too late. You already have your own life out there and I’m still here, surviving the swell of pain and loneliness of being alone.
It hurts. It will always hurt. And I only want you, always you, to touch the places that hurt the most.
I have lived my whole life feeling oddly envious without any escape. I envy that ‘someone� who gets the chance to see and hold you, to talk to you, and to be with you after a bad day. I envy that ‘someone� who hugs and kisses you goodnight. I envy that ‘someone� who showers you good morning kisses and who gets the chance to watch you smile as you open your eyes each morning.
How lucky that ‘someone� who hears you sing a beautiful love song and gets to dance with you in a crowd. Who sits across from you at a table, smelling that brew black coffee while listening to the tweeting of the small birds and staring at the marks of brilliant reds and oranges below the horizon.
How lucky is that some
one!It’s true; I never have a beautiful life that most people have because I am a woman who is alone in bed at night, who cries until the birds of dawn pick away the debris of darkness. I’m not an ideal woman. I’m no one’s dream.
I am a woman who smiles to cover up so much pain and who lies about being fine.
I am a woman who pretends that nothing is breaking me and nothing is hurting me.
I am a woman who honestly admits that I will die alone while watching you smile and hold hand with someone else in photographs I will never be in.
I am a woman who wishes, hopes and prays of holding you and feeling you as you fall asleep beside me.
I am a woman who loves too much and who never stops loving even when all she feels is pain of a broken heart.
I am a woman who bleeds from her heart, who falls apart and pulls herself together again.
But I want you to know that my love for you isn’t lost in me. I will keep it so I could have something to carry with me through the period of aloneness.
You will always be the most beautiful part in my memory. It’s the kind of beautiful that will forever hold a special place in my life. You are the one I’ve always wanted from love. You are always the one who carves and fills forever in my heart. Please know that I’m not going to forget you. It’s your familiar grin and your lovely stare that keep the smile on my face and the love I have for you. I will always remember the way you make my mornings beautiful by the thought of you.
I know you were never mine and will never be, but I want you to know that I love you from the bottom of my heart and I will always love you from afar.
