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So, I have some news. For the past two years, between dodging guys who kill my boner and throwing myself at any Michael J. Fox look-alike I come across, I’ve been working on a book. It’s a humor memoir called��Clearly, I Didn’t Think This Through��(November 6, 2012, Berkley Trade) and it’s about how terrible I am at being an adult.

Here’s the cover:

You can pre-order it anywhere that sells books including these places:
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Hey guys! I made a bingo card for women in their thirties over on . It’s like looking in a mirror.��

I started����for me so you can keep up with my non-Shmitten Kitten-related projects. Go ahead and like it if the spirit moves you. Thanks!

I’m emceeing the����this year. Come! Maybe I’ll recite a bunch of food truck-related haikus. Maybe I’ll dress up like a food truck. Maybe I’ll try and marry a food truck and have TLC film it for an episode of “Strange Love.�� The possibilities are endless!

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I wrote this for Hello Giggles. Ch-ch-check it out!

Oh wow! According to , I’m a “giant comedy genius�� that you MUST follow on . Unfortunately, I do NOT crack jokes about giants all day. So if you’re looking for that, I’d recommend going elsewhere.��

In all seriousness, I’m thrilled to be included on this list of talented and funny ladies. It made my day!

The “Girls�� premiere on Sunday night left me underwhelmed. I lived in New York City in my 20s and I expected to relate to the show. But I didn’t. ��Not by a long shot. Hannah Horvath (Lena Dunham) whined and pouted her way through the episode, balking at the idea of weaning herself off her parents�� checking account. She’s 24 years old! Doesn’t she want to succeed? Doesn’t she want to be independent? More troubling, doesn’t she have any pride?��

Speaking of pride, you know who has a lot of it? Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) on “Eastbound & Down.�� The show’s series finale aired the same night �� Spoilers Ahead! �� and it was an interesting juxtaposition to “Girls.�� Like Hannah, Kenny Powers whines and pouts through life. He ended the series returning to April and his son, Toby, which was a little too neat for the usually unhinged Kenny Powers. It’s a shame because I would’ve liked to have seen a different kind of shake-up in his life rather than fatherhood to keep things interesting.

Then, I had an idea: Hannah should switch places with Kenny Powers. Transport Kenny Powers to Brooklyn. Plop Hannah in Myrtle Beach. I’m already laughing just picturing it! Sure, a 24-year-old New York mumbler and an immature baseball pitcher may not appear to have too much in common, but I’d argue that they do.

Read the rest��.

I think this might be the I’ve ever written. Thanks, Internet!��

I wrote this for Hello Giggles!
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I have a flat ass. Hold your applause. After years of wrestling with my��derrière��deficit, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that my butt looks like a wooden cutting board with half of a smashed roasted sweet potato resting on it. Trust me, my lower half is nothing to write home about. It’s lackluster and utterly forgettable; it’s the��Are You There, Chelsea?��of asses. Seriously, Princess Leia has bigger buns��on her head��than I do on my entire body. It’s not fair.

Sometimes I wish I could just take my tush off and leave it at home, but I can’t. It’s my permanent plus one on the guest list of life. It’s always around, trailing my every move even though it adds nothing to the party. My butt is basically Turtle from��Entourage.

In my defense, my badonk never had a chance. I come from a long line of 2-dimensional tushes. My great-grandparents arrived in America with nothing but thick Russian accents and skimpy backsides. Then, by some miracle, they all coupled up with similarly flat-assed people. And, then��their��children hooked up with flat-asses. What are the odds of such a thing? My family is blessed with several appealing traits–curly brown hair, long legs, the ability to eat pizza before it’s properly cooled down–but filling out a pair of curvy jeans from Old Navy is not one of them, unfortunately.

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My birthday is in a week and for the first time ever in the history of my life, I’m not excited about it. Usually I jump up and down for a month straight before my big day. Usually I have my heart set on the party I wanna throw. Usually, it’s the highlight of my year.��

But when people ask me what I wanna do to celebrate my birthday next week, my mind goes blank, my stomach starts to hurt and I feel like I’m gonna cry. There’s literally nothing I want to do. I don’t want to deal with it. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know what my problem is!��

Do you know how old I’m gonna be? I’m gonna be 34 which, in case you’re curious, is as old as balls. I can’t believe I’m gonna be 34. I seriously can’t believe it. That’s older than Jesus! How can I be 34? Birthday cards tell me that I’m as old as I feel but I sure as hell don’t feel like I’m in my 30s. It’s almost comical how un-34 I feel.��I still get excited when I get a free lollipop at the bank! I still have posters on my bedroom walls! I want to watch 21 Jump Street in the theater! Is that what 34 year-olds do? Am I still even in the target demographic for the film anymore? I’m not sure! �� ��

I’ve decided to skip town and visit my buddies in Richmond, VA this weekend. I think I need a change of scenery to get some perspective on a few things. I have a feeling that some bear hugs from my old friends will help get me outta this b-day funk.��

Fuck everything. I’m gonna go watch a Discovery Channel show on Netflix about the Earth’s formation hopefully narrated by an older British actor with a deeply soothing voice*.��

*Is this shit 34 year-olds say? Oh god!��