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Total loss of control. That’s how I’d describe my drinking days. Not just feeling like I had no agency over myself when I was drunk, but I also felt like I was being controlled and manipulated. It gives me the “ick� just thinking about my former self. I couldn’t do anything social without alcohol, not even a phone call to a friend. It eventually seeped its way into every action and thought, either directly or indirectly. A cheap can of beer was at the steering wheel of my life, driving me to places I didn’t want to go, frequently picking up cocaine along the way. The nights usually ended with a skid and a tremendous thud, sometimes losing my pants in the crash.

Loss of control takes many forms. Here are a few examples:

Speech - Slurring your words might be the least sexy thing you can do. Your credibility is annihilated once you’ve lost the basic function of your tongue. It’s not just how you speak; it’s what you’re saying. The phrase “drunk man's tongue, sober man's mind� isn’t necessarily true. Sure, you might verbalize an insignificant, fleeting thought you’ve kept in the dark corners of your brain, but it’s delivered entirely out of proportion. It’s like putting your ear directly to a speaker and turning up the volume full blast. Even the sweetest, most gentle song can turn into an audible rusty chainsaw plunging straight into your earholes at maximum volume. The tune is beautiful when it’s balanced and a nightmare when it’s not.

It’s not just what you’re saying; it’s how you listen. Jumping to outrageous conclusions and connecting dots that aren’t there is another fun feature of alcohol absorption. Starting an argument by constructing assumptions out of thin air, based on little to no evidence, is your surest ticket to sleeping on the couch or getting a *sock in the puss. The words you drunkenly say that are way out of character and context cannot be unsaid. It’s like squeezing all the mustard out of one of those little condiment packets and then trying to put it back in–not so easy. The inability to restrain your tongue from becoming forked will lead you down a lonely road. Being a belligerent drunk prick won’t win you a lot of friends or lovers.

Motor skills - I woke up with more mystery injuries than I can count over my career as a lush. Fractured arms and ribs, bruises and cuts everywhere imaginable, concussions, stumbling and falling–you name it. Imagine having all the symptoms of being really drunk, but you hadn’t had any alcohol. You’d be scared shitless and want to go to a hospital immediately! It’s preposterous how little concern is applied to such a stark deterioration of cognitive acuity and rudimentary muscle movement when it’s packaged as being drunk. It’s brushed off and even laughed at as if nothing’s wrong. Oh, they’re just hammered.

Behavior - To say I made some shamefully poor decisions while intoxicated would be a gross understatement. The fact that I’m alive, haven’t killed anybody, and still have friends is truly a marvel. Having only 4 DUIs, minimal jail time, and never totalled a car is astonishing. Every stupid thing I ever did started with the phrase “Well, I had had a few drinks, and…�

Fighting (physical/verbal), driving drunk, risky sexual behavior, petty crimes like theft and vandalism, putting myself in dangerous situations, spending money I didn’t have, losing jobs and relationships, not performing at my full potential� (Feel free to copy and paste your own favorite consequences here.) Your behavior whilst under the influence of alcohol can lead to repercussions that may haunt you for years, maybe even the rest of your life.

Emotional - The emotional rollercoaster I was on from alcohol was nauseating. It completely derails your baseline threshold to operate as a reasonable human. It causes you to start your day with a cognitive deficit: irritability, hair-trigger anger, depression, lack of focus and energy, and a sense of impending doom. You’re fighting an uphill battle when your dopamine gremlins are making your emotional teeter-totter unbalanced.

Feeling like you’re being controlled

Have you ever seen one of those old western movies where the antagonist shoots at the feet of some poor simpleton, and with a sinister chuckle barks out “Dance for me!�? That’s how I started to feel with alcohol. It made me do, say, and think things I didn’t want to. Like forcing me to get up and leave the comfort of my home to get more, despite knowing I didn’t need it. I was always thinking ahead of how I was going to be able to drink before, during, and after whatever activity I was doing. I was giving all my money and time while getting nothing back in return–like an abusive relationship. Sometimes, I’d even prioritize drinking over sex!

I felt like a marionette with my strings violently pulled in directions I didn’t want to go. It was like being under a witch's spell, knowing I was under a spell, but couldn’t do anything about it. Making it worse was the realization that the witches and puppeteers (the trillion-dollar alcohol industry) are paying billions of dollars for manipulative, propagandizing ad campaigns to keep you enchanted. No eyeballs are free from seeing perpetual commercials portraying alcohol as being nothing other than a good time and the hallmark of any legitimate celebration. These images and perceptions are being deliberately manufactured with the sole purpose of misdirecting your attention from the immeasurable damage alcohol causes. I don’t know about you, but being intentionally deceived chaps my hide well beyond the limits that a hide ought to be chapped.

Getting your control back from not just alcohol itself, but from the malicious cajolery machine behind the alcohol is another reason (among the many) to quit drinking. Stop indulging whiny impulses that boss you around. Don’t give any more money to billionaires who don’t give a fuck about your life, who are selling you poison under the guise of a “good time.� Have decisive authority over your choices and the words you say to others. The only things we have control over as human beings are our actions and reactions–and in some circumstances, even that is up for debate. Alcohol only brings storms and violent waves that make navigating the seas of your existence more treacherous than they should be. Steer your ship more easily, gracefully, and confidently by leaving alcohol behind.



“Men are more easily governed through their vices than through their virtues.�
� Napoleon Bonaparte

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.�
-� Alice Walker

“Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.�
� Elie Wiesel


*If we all band together, we can make the phrase “sock in the puss� popular again.
#sockinthepuss

“Well, duh!�, you might be saying to yourself, but how often have you said you’d do a thing and never did it? Or half-assed something and gave up? Exercising, learning a new skill, quitting a bad habit, having a hard conversation, doing chores, maintaining personal hygiene, reading more, eating better–the list of “I should have’s� and “I’m gonna’s� is longer than a CVS receipt. Like that time you said you'd start a new exercise routine but never did, or when you promised to read more books but ended up watching TV instead. Yet, all of these scenarios have one simple thing in common: they can all be accomplished by taking the first initial step.

Unfortunately, we often let things fester and rot because we don’t implement preventative care into our routines. We procrastinate as if the clock on our mortal existence is infinite. All of our hopes and dreams never bloom because we failed to water them. The next thing we know, with grayer hair and weathered faces, we look back at the squandered years of our lives, wondering where all the time has gone, lamenting our lax sense of urgency. The regret of inaction is a heavy burden to carry. If only we had applied ourselves. If only we had known the dishes weren’t going to wash themselves before they turned into a giant pile of rancid shit!

Embracing action is always the antidote to whatever ails you–even when strategic inaction is the best course of action. The only time I've ever felt trapped in life, whether it be a job, relationship, addiction, depression, or an artistic endeavor, was when I was stagnant. I wasn’t moving the ball forward. Sure, I thought of everything I wanted to do/say or quit doing, but nothing changed until I started acting on those thoughts. All change and progress stems from that one initial move toward your goal, putting you firmly in the driver's seat of your life.

Don’t run backward to what’s safe and comfortable. Like that job you hate or the unfulfilling relationship. Don’t cling to the familiar numbing of a drug or drink that only gaslights you into thinking you can’t do anything better with your life. Don’t get stuck in the glue trap that is despair or the insidious hamster wheel of negative thought loops. Make today the day you do something different by putting your ideas into action! Focus all your energy on what you want to accomplish and do the fucking thing already! Nobody is going to do it for you.

Change is difficult. Even when we want to be less miserable, leaving our familiar misery can feel intimidating. Fear of the unknown can be much more frightening than leaving our unsatisfactory situation. And sometimes, when we do venture out to explore new territories, we panic, give up, and retreat because we haven’t given the unfamiliar thing a fair chance. Look back at your life and think of all the times you were afraid or nervous about doing something and wound up loving it. Or think of a situation where you ventured off your usual path and found a beautiful, unexpected outcome because of that decision.

Choosing to quit drinking alcohol was terrifying to me. I had drunk my entire adult life. Without it, I didn’t know who I was or who I would hang out with. But I needed a change. I was sick of the endless loop of hangovers, blackouts, and just feeling shitty. The quality of my life suffered, and it was robbing me of my full potential. Despite my trepidations, I told myself I wasn’t going to drink for thirty days. The first step I took was more of a stumble and fall onto my face, but It’s now approaching six years without a drink. It was undisputedly the best decision I ever made. And it all started with that one “fuck it; I’m doing this� moment.

The only way to change is to take action. Don’t wait for “the perfect moment� because it doesn’t exist. The right time is always now! And if something doesn’t work out as you expected, at least you’ve learned a valuable lesson. Every day, we are presented with little forks in the road–little decisions that can have massive impacts on our lives. Next time you have an idea about something you’d like to pursue or something new you’d like to try, just do it. The sense of accomplishment that comes from taking action is unparalleled. Have an adventure! Chart new territories, explore, and live. Not just be alive, but live!

So what will be your “Fuck it� moment? What’s something you’ve always dreamed of doing but have been too afraid to try? Or the small daily things you wish were different but became complacent with? Maybe there’s something or someone you finally need to quit. What have you been holding back from saying to a partner, friend, or boss? When you’re feeling down and depressed, do you reach out to someone, get out and take a walk, or just let it eat you alive? Everything takes effort. The more energy you put into something, the more it will change. The only thing standing in between you and the outcomes you desire is that one split second of courage to try. To act!

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.�
–Dale Carnegie

“Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.�
–Norman Vincent Peale

“More is lost by indecision than wrong decision.�
–Cľ±ł¦±đ°ů´Ç

From the second we were expelled from our mother's husk, our indoctrination commenced. Our unsullied, highly plastic brains were taking in every little facial expression from our caregivers, planting deep-rooted seeds that would shape our emotions and perceptions of the world—later dictating how we would form attachments in our adult relationships. Just escaping the womb with good health and strong genetics is a cosmic lottery win. And if we had somewhat attentive, loving parents, maybe a sibling or two, we were off to a better start than most could hope for.

You had no control over who your parents were, your sex, or the color of your eyes, skin, or hair. No choice of what city, state, or country you were spawned in or the language you speak. Where you land on the multi-spectrum of sexuality and balance of feminine/masculine qualities is not up to you. Your proclivity toward cognitive or emotional intelligence–also not your choice. Your religion, or lack thereof, was passed on to you by your parents–and that belief is, by and large, the product of geography, not validity. (if you were born in America, odds are, you aren’t Hindu)

The environment in which you spent your formative years also helped craft the lens through which you observe the world. Were you rich, poor, or somewhere in the middle? Did you live in a good or bad neighborhood? Were you bullied, the bully, outgoing or shy? Did you have access to good schools, libraries, and other essential institutions, or were you in closer proximity to liquor stores and pawn shops? Were you fortunate enough to have relatively good health that required little to no maintenance? Were you skinny, fat, “ugly,� or “hot�? Just your physical appearance alone has an enormous effect on your human experience. “Beauty bias� and “halo effect� are some coined phrases. All of these elements affect how others treat you, thus affecting your perception of the world.

Right from the get-go, there are multiple factors you have zero choice in that determine how your life will be. From there, you enter the school system, where you begin to socialize yourself and have your first taste of cultural influence. Learning what’s “cool� and what you should like and be interested in. You may have picked up a body image complex by comparing yourself to others. You’ve become aware of what the majority thinks is “beautiful� and “acceptable.� If your tastes or looks stray too far from the narrow parameters of normality, you learn quickly that conventional society will look down upon you. Showing too much emotion or imagination can get you exiled. Awkwardness can get you beat up. God forbid you ever challenge authority!

If the school system has worked as intended, you have been groomed for the workforce, which demands a nonconfrontational, compliant worker bee. Going against the grain in this atmosphere can result in firing. Thinking outside the box is more condemned than encouraged. Before, if you stood out in school because of a hairdo or outrageous clothing, you might have been picked on. In the working world, challenging standards might mean you don’t eat. Standing up for your ideals, ethics, and unorthodox ideas can be seen as insubordinate. (I find words like insubordinate and blasphemy both disconcerting and humorous. They criminalize curiosity and differences of opinion. They were undoubtedly made up by the people and institutions we should question most!) As your civil domestication progresses, the societal choke chain around your neck gets tighter and tighter until the last spark of individuality has ceased to be.

Directly and indirectly, we are told how to act, how to dress, what to like, and what to do our whole lives. In adulthood, it is up to us to deprogram ourselves and rediscover who we are. So, who are you really? After you strip away all the layers of cultural influence, peer pressure, parental/societal expectations, and all the other shit that has bombarded your subconscience since birth, who are you? It’s not an easy question to answer. The deeper I explore determinism and Buddhism/ Taoism, the more I believe there isn’t a self at all. But that’s a whole other existential onion to peel.

Following your natural inclinations is crucial to authenticity. You must cleanse yourself of all the nonsense that doesn’t align with your core instincts—leaning into your weirdness, talents, kinks, and curiosities. Owning who you are as an individual takes a heap of courage and unrelenting honesty. You have to be comfortable with being disliked. As Gabor Mate put it, “You can have the pain of suppressing yourself for the sake of being accepted, or you can have the pain of being yourself and not being accepted. You’re gonna have pain either way. Which one would you like?�

We are not being honest when we hide ourselves or act in a way that we believe will make us more acceptable to others. I’ve definitely been guilty of that behavior. I’ve tried to act “cool� when introduced to a new group of people. It never lands the way you think it’s going to. People can smell bullshit a mile away. Trying to be something you’re not sucks for everybody involved. You wind up beating yourself up for being cringy, and the people you were trying to impress with the homogenized version of you most likely thought you were awkward. There is nothing to gain from it.


Authenticity is the light behind your eyes that will beckon those who will genuinely love you. By pretending to be something you’re not, you are robbing yourself and the rest of the world of your uniqueness that has never existed before and never will again. Think of what the world would be like if nobody challenged conventions, did what they were told, gave up, and submitted. All groundbreakers and innovators, from scientists and doctors to artists, philosophers, and inventors, broke the rules and followed their true calling, pushing the world forward. From Gallelo, Darwin, Beethoven, The Ramones, Martin Luther King Jr, Thich Nhat Hanh, Gandhi, Thomas Paine, Tim Burton� In extreme cases, some even died and suffered unspeakable torture for their unwillingness to surrender their integrity.

Not being true to yourself is one of the top five regrets of the dying. When your final breath comes, did you live the life you wanted or the one others expected you to live? Were you true to your heart and spirit? Did you follow your gut, your passions, your desires? It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. Don’t be afraid to fail or look like an idiot sometimes. It’s all part of the process to get you where you need to go. Learn and refine. Be brave, be honest, and, goddamn it, be your true self!

“The world will ask who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.�

� Carl Jung

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.�

� Friedrich Nietzsche

“Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road.�
� Voltaire

Happy New Year! It is time to reflect on the last 365 days and then try to change our lives entirely by the end of the next 365 days. It's a silly tradition of making shallow promises to ourselves that only have the stamina of a month–or two if we're lucky. Going on a diet, exercising, quitting alcohol (for good this time). Maybe you'll start making your bed and doing the dishes regularly. Perhaps you will switch to oat milk to cut out the calories and fat from dairy and, in the process, frustrate and annoy every barista you encounter. The truth is, we could've done these things at any point but chose to wait. We put it off to some arbitrary starting point only to have our newfound motivation crumble by February.

The word Lingchi (death by a thousand cuts) is made into a brilliant analogy in a book I just read about Japanese-inspired personal development strategies (Ikigai & Kaizen by Anthony Raymond). It's a fantastic metaphor for life. If you have found yourself living an existence you are less than enthusiastic about, I'm willing to bet it wasn't because of one colossal, stupid decision or mistake. It was more than likely the accumulation of several little stupid mistakes and laziness that spanned a good deal of time.

So, how do we change course? Waiting for an imaginary starting point is just adding another cut, and setting giant goals will only burn you out. What you fucked up over several years will not repair itself overnight. Implementing tiny, bite-sized goals will be your new "life by a thousand stitches" to mend the cuts that corroded your life into mediocrity.

Finding your Ikigai (purpose) is also essential to making changes stick. You will be unfulfilled and disenchanted if you are only motivated by ego or societal/ peer pressure. If you live a life of one-up-manship, you will find yourself miserable. Genuinely knowing the reason why you get out of bed in the morning isn't something you should take for granted. Honestly, think about it. I don't believe many people actually confront that question. It's, quite frankly, a freaking scary question! I wrestle with it often. I have found that having ever-changing goals and purposes is my favorite flavor of Ikigai, and it works best for my life and philosophies. Having ephemeral purposes doesn't diminish their importance or significance. Having the carrot at the end of your stick change occasionally doesn't mean you are wandering aimlessly. Never dwell on a thing once you have poured your heart and spirit into it. Whether it worked out splendidly or crashed and burned, the only thing to do is continue forward with the new knowledge and skills you gained from the experience.

Another way to approach the next twelve months is to reverse engineer your desired outcome. What do you want to look like by New Year's Eve? A more critical question is, how do you want to feel at the end of the year? Do you want to be less stressed, happier, or healthier? How do you get to that version of yourself? What do you have to add, or most likely, what baggage do you need to drop to achieve that goal? Or, if you want to pan out the perspective even further, picture your whole life as a book or movie. What's the pivotal plot twist that ignites your ferocious comeback? What if this was your last year on earth? How would you live your life differently if you were privy to that knowledge?

There are many ways to approach the new year. Having a set of goals is good, but so is having an overall theme, like "Tenacity" or "Fearlessness." Find a battle cry and attack everything with that passion. The bottom line is change is hard and scary. However, change is also necessary to grow, and growing comes from feeding your head with good materials and having new experiences. Much like how your body won't perform well without exercise and eating shitty food, your brain won't work by only feeding it social media or fear-baiting news channels. If you never break free from your same routines, you will never get out of your rut. Do something you're terrified of! Push yourself way out of your comfort zone. Life is a short, everchanging, chaotic ride. Always put your best foot forward. Don't wait for another year to pass before you finally take action. Make 2025 your bitch!

"Knowledge is power, and it can help you overcome any fear of the unexpected. When you learn, you gain more awareness through the process, and you know what pitfalls to look for as you get ready to transition to the next level."
-Jay Shetty

"The ticket to victory often comes down to bringing your very best when you're feeling your worst."
-David Goggins

"How we pay attention to the present moment determines the character of our experience and the quality of our lives."
-Sam Harris

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks and then starting on the first one."
-Mark Twain

"Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything�- anger, anxiety, or possessions�- we cannot be free."
-Thich Nhat Hanh

I used to be a smoker. I smoked a pack a day for roughly ten years. I started buying brands with lower and lower tar and nicotine levels to try to minimize my addiction and the pain I felt in my lungs. The discomfort was especially bad the day after having consumed some speedy narcotic because I would end up smoking twice as much. The last couple of years that I smoked, I hated it. I tried to cut back, but the nicotine and routine of smoking had me chained to cigarettes. I had to have two on the way to work, two or three smoke breaks during work, two more at lunch, and so on. I was always self-conscious about how I smelled and hated the taste it left in my mouth. But despite all the things I disliked about it, I still couldn’t shake it. I thought it would be something I’d have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I had also built an identity around it. Going on a smoke break during work was something to look forward to. So was congregating outside a bar with a cigarette in hand with all the “cool kids.� I was always the “Zippo guy.� I had my trusty side piece everywhere I went–quickest draw in the west, lighting people's cigarettes with the clack of steel and some nifty trick I had perfected. I even had a sweet monogrammed silver cigarette case in which I’d keep my coffin nails. That’s right–I was one of those dorks. How was I to let everyone down by not being the first at their lips with flame when they needed a light? Who would spark their smoke if I were to quit!?

I finally got so fed up that I didn’t care about losing my self-imposed “cool� image or the few moments I still actually enjoyed a cigarette. I wanted to quit! I tried nicotine gum and patches, but they didn’t work. I tried cold turkey, but I would always break. I finally did some research on hypnosis and came to the conclusion it would be my way out. I had always believed in the human mind's extraordinary powers and thought this method would suit me best.

After one session, poof! My habit was gone! I walked out of there, a non-smoker. The hypnotist had programmed me to reach for a toothpick or piece of gum every time I’d usually spark a butt. It worked like a charm. If I was feeling overly anxious, he suggested that I go jogging–something that wasn’t a part of my usual exercise regime, but sure enough, I became a jogger. I still am to this day (eighteen years later). Even while drinking or doing drugs (the times that I would smoke the most), I stayed smoke-free. I was cured!

My addiction to cigarettes (nicotine) isn’t considered a disease or disorder, yet smoking was something I couldn’t control and compulsively did against my better judgment. It cost me money, not only for the cigarettes, but for all of the ruined clothes, furniture, carpets, and car upholstery I destroyed from ashes, smoke, and burn holes. It was ruining my health and ability to breathe normally. I was helpless when it came to smoking–I had a physical dependence on it. I would forgo money for food to make sure I had enough to buy a pack. It altered my behavior, turning me into an anxious, hair-triggered prick if I was having nicotine withdrawals. I became an unhinged fiend if I was drinking and doing blow and ran out of smokes.

But a few months after my hypnosis session, I no longer thought about cigarettes. I didn’t believe I’d ever be rid of smoking or want to be rid of it, and yet there I was� a non-smoker. There was no particular terminology or moniker for me to exclaim that announced my past addiction. I didn’t tell people I was now “smokeless� or practicing “smokelessness.� I was not a “smokeaholic� or “problematic smoker� because I couldn’t control my cigarette intake. I didn’t smoke uncontrollably because of a “disease.� I’m not currently in a neverending state of recovery to refrain from smoking. I don’t need to go to daily meetings to reminisce about old smoking stories or listen to others reflect on theirs. There is nothing in my daily language or actions that smoking casts a shadow on. You wouldn’t know I used to smoke if you hung out with me now. I used to smoke. I quit. That’s the end of the story.

I view my twenty-year drinking problem in the exact same way. The only difference between smoking and drinking for me was that I needed professional help to quit smoking. I lost jobs and relationships due to alcohol. I went to jail on several occasions and crashed a couple of cars from alcohol. I suffered countless injuries and threw out a ton of money on alcohol. I squandered an enormous amount of time and potential because of alcohol. I nearly got killed by other people and by myself because of alcohol. Yet, I walked away from it: no program, no rehab, no meetings.

I am not an alcoholic, problematic drinker, diseased, or an addict. I am not sober, practicing sobriety, or in recovery. I simply do not drink alcohol anymore.

I equate my drinking to being on fire. When I drank alcohol, it was like being engulfed in flames. I was burning alive and couldn’t seem to put myself out. Once I decided that I didn’t want to be a raging inferno anymore, I extinguished the flames and chose to never be on fucking fire ever fucking again! And not even a little bit. I didn’t want to cut back on being on fire or try to control my burning by just being on fire a little. Maybe just on the weekends? NO! How about just a little Bic lighter to your arm or hot coal on your toes? FUCK NO! And ever since I haven’t been on fire, I have never thought about it, nor do I need to be reminded that I was ever on fire in the first place.

There is absolutely no part of me that wants to drink again. I never had the notion of trying to “cut down� on drinking because I knew that I couldn’t do it. I either wanted none of the drinks or all of them. There’s no in-between. But I don’t need any special adjectives to remind me of my past. I don’t find it necessary to associate myself with names and phrases that point to questionable past behaviors or moral failings for others to pass judgment on. I know that I have problems when I drink alcohol. And I no longer drink alcohol. Therefore, I no longer have alcohol-related problems. I don’t think about it–I don’t want it.

My name is Joshua Deen, and I used to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes, and now I don’t. That’s the end of the story.


National Library of Medicine

“Terms such as “alcoholic,� “addict,� and “abuser� may well reinforce the belief that individuals with alcohol or substance use disorder are immoral, blameworthy, and undeserving.�


National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism

“How certain words are used to describe alcohol-related problems and the people who are affected by them perpetuate stigma. Stigma is a significant barrier in many people’s willingness to seek help for alcohol problems. It can affect how they are treated in all aspects of life, including availability and quality of care. Reducing stigma is a step toward addressing these problems.�


Psychology Today

“Stigma is a problem with many health conditions, and we continue to see it with addiction. Stigma can truly hurt people coping with substance use-related difficulties in many ways. Research has shown that fear of stigma is one of the top reasons people choose not to get treatment for substance use.�

I was driving down the 405 freeway for work the other day when I encountered some traffic. It wasn’t unusual, given that it was a weekday morning. The familiar frustration boiled inside me, spilling into audible sighs and expletives. “Why can’t you morons just go!?� “Get off your goddamn phone, butthole!� “I fucking hate this fucking shit, fuck shit motherfucker!� I’ve been trying to be more mindful about not getting emotional about things out of my control (like traffic), but sometimes it gets the best of me. Once I became aware of my belligerence, I started laughing at myself, saying, “Sheesh� why so angry? Calm down, stupid.� Besides, I’ve grown up in Los Angeles. How on earth am I still shocked and disappointed by traffic?

Up ahead, I see the culprit. There’s a cop car with its lights on, closing off three lanes of traffic and creating a massive bottleneck. A little white hatchback had gotten into a minor fender-bender. Even though the accident didn’t appear that bad, the outcome was in fact tragic. As I got closer, I saw that the officer had put up white sheets on both doors of the crashed car, trying to conceal what was inside. That could only mean one thing–a fatality.

When I approached the vehicle, I could see the silhouette of a man slouched over, with his face coming to rest on the steering wheel. The body sat eerily still in the driver's seat. Everyone seemed oblivious as they inched by the wreck, jockeying for position to get by this inconvenience to wherever they were going. I wondered how many people noticed the empty husk of the person who started that morning, just as we all did.

Where was he going? Was he headed to a job he hated? Did he have things he wanted to do but was constantly pushing them to tomorrow? Did the people in his life know how important they were to him? Was he happy and fulfilled?

Whatever the answers are to these questions, I can almost certainly guarantee you that he didn’t know he was going to die that day. If he did, he picked a hell of a place to spend his last moments. He got up, did his morning routine, and headed out to what was probably an ordinary day. What do you think he would’ve done differently? What do you think he would've changed if he had known years before that that was his last day? What would you change if you had a few years warning and knew the day you were going to die? That’s right� you are going to die, and you have no idea how many days you have left.

Four years ago, like this gentleman, I was in a little white hatchback, going home from work one evening. A lady at an intersection I was approaching thought she had a protected left turn arrow (not only did she not, but there were no turn arrows to begin with) and pulled right in front of me. BAM! I had an airbag to the face, a concussion, torn ligaments in my shoulder, and a completely totaled car. There was absolutely nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. That would’ve been my last day if I were on my motorcycle.

The accident gave me a breath of life I didn’t know I needed. I realized I was putting up with a job I hated for fear I couldn’t find anything better, nor was I wholeheartedly pursuing something else to get me out of it. I found myself hanging onto relationships that weren’t fulfilling. It dawned on me that I wasn’t living up to my potential and being authentically me because I was afraid. I wasn’t engaging in simple aspects of daily life for fear of being judged or rejected. I was scared to fail and to succeed. Afraid of what people thought of me. I was scared to go after what I wanted–what my heart and spirit yearned for just because it might not work out. I was terrified of the endless “what ifs.�

If I had died in the intersection that night, I would not have been proud of myself. I wasn’t on my path. I was putting up with jobs and relationships that were crushing me because I thought they were “secure.� I had let societal standards and people's opinions hold too much weight. I was living someone else's idea of what life is supposed to be like and what I should find value in. I was putting things off like I had the luxury of time–like there’s always a tomorrow.

I’m forever grateful for that accident. It was the epiphany I needed. Tomorrow is never promised–security is a complete illusion. Death is an inch away from us at every moment–never forget that. Do not act like you have all the time in the world to pursue your desires and create the life you want. Start now! You do not want to die trying to meet someone else’s expectations. Don’t be afraid of anything or allow yourself to be stuffed into a box that can’t contain you. Not only are you going to die, but so are all the people whose opinions you’re so concerned with, too. So what is there to fear? Don’t let things go unsaid or stay in destructive relationships or soul-crushing jobs–there is no time to squander. This is your one and only shot at this.

I’ll bet the guy I passed on the freeway that morning had some things he would’ve done differently. If I die today, I will do so with a smile because I know I’m trying my best to be the person I want to be. I will die on the trail of my own making.

“It’s better to shoot for the moon and miss than aim for the gutter and make it� - Danny Trejo

“You can fail at something you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on something you love.� - Jim Carrey

“You live as if you were destined to live forever, no thought of your frailty ever enters your head, of how much time has already gone by you take no heed. You squander time as if you drew from a full and abundant supply, though all the while that day which you bestow on some person or thing is perhaps your last.� - Seneca Roman Stoic philosopher)

“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.� - Marcus Aurelius

In my drinking days, I took almost everything for granted. All I cared about was me, and how fucked up I could get. My mind was never on the present moment but on whether I had enough alcohol or cocaine to get me through the night. This frame of mind hijacked any true enjoyment from whatever I was doing. Every thought and action ultimately had some selfish motivation. This, of course, ruined a lot of my relationships. Nobody wants to be around a selfish, preoccupied butthole! It wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I realized just how much I sucked as a human. When I finally acknowledged that the world, and everybody in it, didn't owe me a goddamn thing, It completely changed my thoughts and actions toward myself and others. Every gesture of kindness from family, friends, or strangers is truly a gift. It was life-changing when I learned to appreciate all the warmth and love I receive.

I will never take anything or anyone for granted ever again. Now that I can see through a lens of gratitude, there is no way I would ever jeopardize my relationships with alcohol or any other destructive habit. Think of having a kitten or puppy in your care. They are fragile, gentle, and need attention, love, and compassion. The same is true with your interaction with everything else. It needs to be nurtured like a garden needs water. To maintain the connections in your life, you must come to terms with how fragile and precious they are. It’s a gift you will never want to take for granted once you open your eyes to it. Revere any source of light that penetrates the darkness.

Practicing gratitude and awareness of even the most minor pleasures, acts of kindness, and conveniences is grounding. It is the foundation for building a better self and stronger relationships. This world doesn’t owe us a thing. We should never expect but be thankful to receive and always be willing to contribute to the greater good and well-being of others. Be grateful for everything in your life. Everything else will flow naturally once you have gratitude in your heart.