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Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them
Real solutions to a hidden epidemic: family estrangement.
Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved--collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations, More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.
Fault Lines shares for the first time findings from Dr. Pillemer's ten-year groundbreaking Cornell Reconciliation Project, based on the first national survey on estrangement; rich, in-depth interviews with hundreds of people who have experienced it; and insights from leading family researchers and therapists. He assures people who are estranged, and those who care about them, that they are not alone and that fissures can be bridged.
Through the wisdom of people who have been there, Fault Lines shows how healing is possible through clear steps that people can use right away in their own families. It addresses such questions as: How do rifts begin? What makes estrangement so painful? Why is it so often triggered by a single event? Are you ready to reconcile? How can you overcome past hurts to build a new future with a relative?
Tackling a subject that is achingly familiar to almost everyone, especially in an era when powerful outside forces such as technology and mobility are lessening family cohesion, Dr. Pillemer combines dramatic stories, science-based guidance, and practical repair tools to help people find the path to reconciliation.
Estrangement from a family member is one of the most painful life experiences. It is devastating not only to the individuals directly involved--collateral damage can extend upward, downward, and across generations, More than 65 million Americans suffer such rifts, yet little guidance exists on how to cope with and overcome them. In this book, Karl Pillemer combines the advice of people who have successfully reconciled with powerful insights from social science research. The result is a unique guide to mending fractured families.
Fault Lines shares for the first time findings from Dr. Pillemer's ten-year groundbreaking Cornell Reconciliation Project, based on the first national survey on estrangement; rich, in-depth interviews with hundreds of people who have experienced it; and insights from leading family researchers and therapists. He assures people who are estranged, and those who care about them, that they are not alone and that fissures can be bridged.
Through the wisdom of people who have been there, Fault Lines shows how healing is possible through clear steps that people can use right away in their own families. It addresses such questions as: How do rifts begin? What makes estrangement so painful? Why is it so often triggered by a single event? Are you ready to reconcile? How can you overcome past hurts to build a new future with a relative?
Tackling a subject that is achingly familiar to almost everyone, especially in an era when powerful outside forces such as technology and mobility are lessening family cohesion, Dr. Pillemer combines dramatic stories, science-based guidance, and practical repair tools to help people find the path to reconciliation.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2020
334 people are currently reading
1659 people want to read
About the author
Karl Pillemer
27books62followersKarl Pillemer, Ph.D., is one of America's foremost gerontologists and family sociologists. He is a professor of human development at Cornell University. He founded the Marriage Advice Project, which surveyed hundreds of older Americans on their advice on love and marriage. He is the author of a number of books, including "30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans," and "30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 77 reviews
December 9, 2020
Audiobook
...narrated by Sean Pratt
Estrangement - rifts - sorrow - shame - anger - guilt - hopelessness - call it anything you want.... but being in a fractured relationship with an adult child is a very painful life experience.
“Fault Lines�....was even better than the last estrangement- type book I listened to this year.
It’s more researched - offering more ‘researched guidance� on practical repair steps to do.
Who knew that more than 65 million Americans suffer estrangements from a family member? Wow!
Dr. Pillemer spent 10 years researching reconciliation through a Cornell reconciliation project.
Hundreds of people were interviewed.
People who have successfully ‘been there� shared stories -of the different ways reconciliation
came about for them.
There were tons of variety of different types of family estrangement scenarios.
Lots of tools for the toolbox:
....science based-research of how to use those tools to repair broken family relationships.
I may need a few more construction lessons.
Nothing about reading this book was ‘smiley-enjoyable� ....
As in “Yippy... I have seen the light�....
No,
....my light still feels dark.
The book might be helpful ... ( ok it was -I guess -but my mind also wanted to shut down)..
Just thinking about this topic —especially if it pertains to you - isn’t as easy as baking a cake. (not that I do that easily either)
I suppose I need to read it again.
Part of me was too entangled and reactivated to hear everything ....
As in.... “okay, easy-breezy, I can do that�....
No,
.....it was more...
“Is ANY OF THIS REALLY POSSIBLE?� .... sounds excruciating hard to put into action.
Many other participants...managed to come through (better).... not perfectly.... but better!
The stories sounded real -several like my own.
Kinda...... inspiring?/!!!
Ask me in a few years.
The information was sound, definitely offering hope, helpful advice, possible encouragement ‘for�
reconciliation....
But it was still very painful to read/listen... ‘either�.
It ‘does� have me thinking about choices & possibilities
It also had me wanting to take a nap.
That’s all I got...
Of course this isn’t a book I recommend- hoping nobody needs to read it....
But if you do....
....it’s probably AS GREAT AS ANY TYPE BOOK on this subject can be.
Karl Pillemer is a professor of human development at Cornell University and a professor of Gerontology in Medicine at the Weill Cornell Medical College. He is an internationally renowned family sociologist.
He specializes in research examining how people develop and change throughout their lives.
Karl ... and the voice reader - Sean Pratt - both seem like very genuine and compassionate men.
...narrated by Sean Pratt
Estrangement - rifts - sorrow - shame - anger - guilt - hopelessness - call it anything you want.... but being in a fractured relationship with an adult child is a very painful life experience.
“Fault Lines�....was even better than the last estrangement- type book I listened to this year.
It’s more researched - offering more ‘researched guidance� on practical repair steps to do.
Who knew that more than 65 million Americans suffer estrangements from a family member? Wow!
Dr. Pillemer spent 10 years researching reconciliation through a Cornell reconciliation project.
Hundreds of people were interviewed.
People who have successfully ‘been there� shared stories -of the different ways reconciliation
came about for them.
There were tons of variety of different types of family estrangement scenarios.
Lots of tools for the toolbox:
....science based-research of how to use those tools to repair broken family relationships.
I may need a few more construction lessons.
Nothing about reading this book was ‘smiley-enjoyable� ....
As in “Yippy... I have seen the light�....
No,
....my light still feels dark.
The book might be helpful ... ( ok it was -I guess -but my mind also wanted to shut down)..
Just thinking about this topic —especially if it pertains to you - isn’t as easy as baking a cake. (not that I do that easily either)
I suppose I need to read it again.
Part of me was too entangled and reactivated to hear everything ....
As in.... “okay, easy-breezy, I can do that�....
No,
.....it was more...
“Is ANY OF THIS REALLY POSSIBLE?� .... sounds excruciating hard to put into action.
Many other participants...managed to come through (better).... not perfectly.... but better!
The stories sounded real -several like my own.
Kinda...... inspiring?/!!!
Ask me in a few years.
The information was sound, definitely offering hope, helpful advice, possible encouragement ‘for�
reconciliation....
But it was still very painful to read/listen... ‘either�.
It ‘does� have me thinking about choices & possibilities
It also had me wanting to take a nap.
That’s all I got...
Of course this isn’t a book I recommend- hoping nobody needs to read it....
But if you do....
....it’s probably AS GREAT AS ANY TYPE BOOK on this subject can be.
Karl Pillemer is a professor of human development at Cornell University and a professor of Gerontology in Medicine at the Weill Cornell Medical College. He is an internationally renowned family sociologist.
He specializes in research examining how people develop and change throughout their lives.
Karl ... and the voice reader - Sean Pratt - both seem like very genuine and compassionate men.
October 2, 2020
Great read for estrangement that doesn’t involve mental illness or abuse, but these topics are not covered and I found that disappointing
Read
December 10, 2020A fascinating examination of family estrangement, which is far more common that you might think.
March 30, 2021
Made all the difference in my family
Specific and practical advice based on real and relatable research. This book helped me reconcile with the people I love most. Forgiveness is possible. Take the chance.
Specific and practical advice based on real and relatable research. This book helped me reconcile with the people I love most. Forgiveness is possible. Take the chance.
February 26, 2021
I was particularly impressed by how seamlessly the author transitioned from one survey participant’s anecdote to the next one and then into the larger takeaway. There was a nice flow to it, and the author’s assertions seem to come directly from the common themes of the survey. I would have liked to see a deeper acknowledgement and integration of estrangements that never reconcile; as it is written, the book seems to suggest that reconciliation would be universally desired at some point for all estranged people. Nevertheless, this is a *fantastic* book if you are hoping to learn practical ways to restore broken relationships.
January 31, 2021
Well written, for a certain group of people....He is definitely a positive thinker.
He really does not cover abusive relatives.
I think this book would be useful for disagreements within families where there are faults on both sides, so you can try to see the other point of view.
In some situations, however, that is just not possible. I wish he had written more about the estrangements which cannot be patched up.
He really does not cover abusive relatives.
I think this book would be useful for disagreements within families where there are faults on both sides, so you can try to see the other point of view.
In some situations, however, that is just not possible. I wish he had written more about the estrangements which cannot be patched up.
December 3, 2020
I highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to know more about how to better communicate with others and preserve familial relationships. While focused on the incredibly complex topic of family estrangement, readers can gain incredible insight into how families work (or do not work) and develop proactive communication strategies through the tool kits strategically woven throughout the book. Admittedly, it was an emotional read, but a very needed one so that I can hang onto treasured relationships and create stronger bonds around the others. If you are grappling with communication challenges or even estrangement in your family, you’ll want to take a look.
April 11, 2021
An interesting read on estrangement. However, I found some portions of the book to be fairly one sided and significantly over simplified the complex dynamics of families and attachment.
May 25, 2024
For those who’ve endured abuse - emotional, physical, or mental - this book is toxic and I would NOT recommend. I couldn’t even finish it it was so terrible. Really tried to push through it since I was nearly halfway through, but when I got to the part about an estranged parent’s advice that absolves other parents of any kind of responsibility and totally dismisses the child’s pain. I’d had enough. Kids don’t just make up painful experiences up and often times are tired of having to be the adult all the time.
I liked how the book started and is very research based. Author is up front about not being a psychologist or therapist, but the approach is thorough and data driven. I could see it being a better, more useful book to a wider audience had he worked with a licensed professional.
As someone who is currently no contact with my family of origin because of emotional abuse, to be told to simply “get over it� because “it’s family� is terrible advice. Especially as someone in my position who spent years trying to find ways to communicate and reset expectations to no avail and eventually had enough of being treated poorly and allowing it “because they were family.� Very manipulative and guilt-shaming methods too using children as why to make amends without addressing the quality of life or mental health for the person doing the amending. And what that opens up to for the children should the behavior be something they’re made to tolerate “because it’s family.�
I liked how the book started and is very research based. Author is up front about not being a psychologist or therapist, but the approach is thorough and data driven. I could see it being a better, more useful book to a wider audience had he worked with a licensed professional.
As someone who is currently no contact with my family of origin because of emotional abuse, to be told to simply “get over it� because “it’s family� is terrible advice. Especially as someone in my position who spent years trying to find ways to communicate and reset expectations to no avail and eventually had enough of being treated poorly and allowing it “because they were family.� Very manipulative and guilt-shaming methods too using children as why to make amends without addressing the quality of life or mental health for the person doing the amending. And what that opens up to for the children should the behavior be something they’re made to tolerate “because it’s family.�
September 22, 2022
The author is a research scientist rather than a psychologist or psychiatrist. He oversaw surveys related to family estrangement, a topic that hasn't been studied extensively until recent years, and did in-depth interviews with hundreds of people. He emphasizes that the advice in the book comes from the people he interviewed who have reconciled successfully with family members. It's not advice based on his opinions.
What I learned:
� In general, parents care more than children about ending estrangements.
� If you are considering whether you can forgive someone who has wronged you, instead of trying to do so for the other person's sake or for the family's sake, consider forgiving the other person for your own sake. You'll likely feel better, and if you become re-estranged, at least you'll know you tried.
� If the estrangement is related to a conflict over inheritance, the breaking up of a business, or some other legal issue, consider hiring a mediator to help you work things out. Mediators often work with divorcing couples, but they can help siblings too.
� If you decide to try to reconcile, give the other person very specific examples of what you want. Saying "I expect you to treat my husband with respect" can be interpreted by a lunkheaded person as "I expect you to share your valuable opinions with my husband."
� It's common for people to claim they have no idea why their family member doesn't speak to them anymore when in fact the person who initiated the estrangement was extremely clear about their reason for doing so. Often the people initiating the estrangement send long letters to the person explaining exactly why they will no longer communicate with them. The person on the receiving end often dismisses these reasons out of hand and refers to them as crazy or ridiculous.
� If you want to reconcile with someone, saying "I'm willing to apologize for anything I did wrong" is an extremely poor bargaining position. Someone who doesn't know what they did wrong is at a disadvantage, and someone who claims to be willing to apologize for anything doesn't seem sincere or trustworthy.
� Sometimes people really do change. Addicts get help and navigate recovery. Conflicts seem less important over time. The power balance between people shifts. Someone who was physically or emotionally powerful becomes less so. However, these changes may take years or decades.
� Even if you reconcile successfully with a parent, child, or sibling, that person is going to bring their personality along with them. So you're unlikely to have a "perfect" relationship with them. But sometimes things really do work out well!
� When two people in a family become estranged, that estrangement often affects other people and other generations. Some niblings and grandchildren have no contact with their relatives because of a conflict that took place 30 or 40 years ago.
� If you are looking for perspective on the estrangement, ask people who are related to you but who aren't directly involved. They may have information and perspectives that you lack.
� Seeing a therapist solo, even for just a few sessions, can help you figure out how to make yourself stronger emotionally and can help you decide whether ending (or beginning!) an estrangement could be worth it.
What I learned:
� In general, parents care more than children about ending estrangements.
� If you are considering whether you can forgive someone who has wronged you, instead of trying to do so for the other person's sake or for the family's sake, consider forgiving the other person for your own sake. You'll likely feel better, and if you become re-estranged, at least you'll know you tried.
� If the estrangement is related to a conflict over inheritance, the breaking up of a business, or some other legal issue, consider hiring a mediator to help you work things out. Mediators often work with divorcing couples, but they can help siblings too.
� If you decide to try to reconcile, give the other person very specific examples of what you want. Saying "I expect you to treat my husband with respect" can be interpreted by a lunkheaded person as "I expect you to share your valuable opinions with my husband."
� It's common for people to claim they have no idea why their family member doesn't speak to them anymore when in fact the person who initiated the estrangement was extremely clear about their reason for doing so. Often the people initiating the estrangement send long letters to the person explaining exactly why they will no longer communicate with them. The person on the receiving end often dismisses these reasons out of hand and refers to them as crazy or ridiculous.
� If you want to reconcile with someone, saying "I'm willing to apologize for anything I did wrong" is an extremely poor bargaining position. Someone who doesn't know what they did wrong is at a disadvantage, and someone who claims to be willing to apologize for anything doesn't seem sincere or trustworthy.
� Sometimes people really do change. Addicts get help and navigate recovery. Conflicts seem less important over time. The power balance between people shifts. Someone who was physically or emotionally powerful becomes less so. However, these changes may take years or decades.
� Even if you reconcile successfully with a parent, child, or sibling, that person is going to bring their personality along with them. So you're unlikely to have a "perfect" relationship with them. But sometimes things really do work out well!
� When two people in a family become estranged, that estrangement often affects other people and other generations. Some niblings and grandchildren have no contact with their relatives because of a conflict that took place 30 or 40 years ago.
� If you are looking for perspective on the estrangement, ask people who are related to you but who aren't directly involved. They may have information and perspectives that you lack.
� Seeing a therapist solo, even for just a few sessions, can help you figure out how to make yourself stronger emotionally and can help you decide whether ending (or beginning!) an estrangement could be worth it.
January 20, 2022
This was an excellent book with a lot of interviews with people who had been estranged from a family member. Dr Pillemer's body of research deals with the study of elderly people and the biggest regret he heard from them when they got into their 70s, 80s and 90s was the regret of being estranged. This book studies why families split up and, more importantly, what some families have done to reconcile. These stories were particularly meaningful and gave me some hope that my husband's family will be able to have reconciliation someday too.
Some notes:
- Think of the collateral damage beyond yourself and your generation. What are you teaching your children? What are they not getting because of family estrangement?
- Why reconcile? FOR YOURSELF. Avoid regret, peace of mind.
- Timing is crucial. Look for the signs that a reconciliation is right.
- Let go of the past: 1. Your pasts may not align 2. Abandon the apology (or recognize that it may come AFTER you have reconciled, not before) 3. Build a future starting from now, not delving back into the past
- Take responsibility or at least LOOK where you might have responsibility. Perhaps you don't, and that's ok, but be willing to look at yourself when considering a family estrangement. 1. Try to put yourself into their shoes and look at the estrangement from their point of view. 2. Write a letter from their point of view. How are they looking at the situation? 3. Look for feedback outside your family. What might you be missing?
- Change your expectations. What is the least you can accept to make the relationship work? What expectations could you let go of?
- Set Boundaries. 1. Be clear about your terms for the relationship 2. Be persistent in setting limits. Acknowledge that they will be crossed and that you'll have to set them again and again until they stick. 3. Get counseling. If you can't go together, get counseling for yourself.
Some notes:
- Think of the collateral damage beyond yourself and your generation. What are you teaching your children? What are they not getting because of family estrangement?
- Why reconcile? FOR YOURSELF. Avoid regret, peace of mind.
- Timing is crucial. Look for the signs that a reconciliation is right.
- Let go of the past: 1. Your pasts may not align 2. Abandon the apology (or recognize that it may come AFTER you have reconciled, not before) 3. Build a future starting from now, not delving back into the past
- Take responsibility or at least LOOK where you might have responsibility. Perhaps you don't, and that's ok, but be willing to look at yourself when considering a family estrangement. 1. Try to put yourself into their shoes and look at the estrangement from their point of view. 2. Write a letter from their point of view. How are they looking at the situation? 3. Look for feedback outside your family. What might you be missing?
- Change your expectations. What is the least you can accept to make the relationship work? What expectations could you let go of?
- Set Boundaries. 1. Be clear about your terms for the relationship 2. Be persistent in setting limits. Acknowledge that they will be crossed and that you'll have to set them again and again until they stick. 3. Get counseling. If you can't go together, get counseling for yourself.
December 9, 2020
Definitely the best (only?) book out there to help families suffering from estrangement. Although a lot of work still needs to be done, and maybe that includes a special kind of family counseling, this book is a great start in identifying core issues and provides general guidance on how to heal these painful rifts. Hint: You have to let go of the past, and sometimes putting in guardrails makes this possible.
September 20, 2020
This is precisely the text I needed to learn to examine my family's fractures and how I can try to mend them.
Broken down into simple concepts, I completed this book feeling hopeful.
Broken down into simple concepts, I completed this book feeling hopeful.
January 6, 2021
The author has done sound qualitative research in the topic of family estrangement. Unfortunately he believes that reconciliation is always possible.
January 17, 2025
Wow wow wow. Okay. I have a lot to say and it's probably TMI for ŷ but here goes.
What a validating, challenging, and thought-provoking book about the nature of family estrangements and how to heal from them. The first part of the book looks at the landscape of estrangements, and it was eye opening to see that there is a a low estimate that 27% of American families have some sort of estrangement. That, of them, 22% feel upset about it and 85% of the estrangements last over a year, and half that number is 4 or more years. This author mentions the different paths to estrangement and common themes in them. He talks about the adverse effects of it such as chronic stress and violations of human nature (such as social rejection, needs for certainty, attachment, etc).
This first part, felt so validating. It is comforting to see that this is a wide spread issue. It is also concerning to look at the adverse health effects and it does make me want to check in on family members more impacted by the family estrangement going on. At times, I also felt resentful of the initiator in my family and also felt sad about it. The book talks about "ambiguous loss" and there was a particularly moving moment where the author explains and validates the claims that many interviewees felt like "it would just be easier if the person were dead". I actually verbally said "oh wow" because that spoke to me. That human nature doesn't like uncertainty and often an estrangement is when a loved one is "physically absent but psychologically present" or "potentially available but deliberately inaccessible" . That death provides closure and ways of coping because it is so common. This, on the other hand, is less talked about and often has no certainty to it.
So then the second part of this book is all about ways to heal from the estrangements. And this author uses survey data to gather anecdotes and categorize them into broad categories of recommendations (by people who had been estranged who reconciled). A lot of these strategies, I have thought about on my own. And some of them made me angry. Some of them make me roll my eyes. Some gave me some hope.
One strategy for healing is to let go of the past. The author talks about how people's narratives are engrained in them, and often when estrangement happens, the two parties can cite the same moment but with drastically different observations and feelings based on their narratives of self. He says that to force someone to align their version of the past to yours is likely not going to work, as it would mean changing that person's self narrative. This was challenging to hear, as I feel stubborn in my views and would have a hard time letting things go. He says that one might know when it's time to reconcile when the desire for a better present and future is more important than the past hurts....and oh man, this makes me feel like I will be in an estrangement for a while longer.
He goes on to other helpful chapters, looking at peoples perception of fault, changing expectations, and setting boundaries. I won't go into tons of details with these but I can appreciate the focus on perspective shifting and his ideas for getting distance from your own view by looking through the POV of the other.
One thing that is dissatisfying to me is that it seems like the initiator of the cut off has all of the cards. When the author talks about setting boundaries and expectations, it often felt like the person who did the cut off gets the determine everything and those others who were hurt in the process have to just go with it? I do think that setting expectations must go both ways for reconciliation. I had an incredibly negative reaction to the example given in Chapter 9 where a mom, in wanting to have a relationship with her daughter again, says she will "do anything" that the daughter says. I wished the mom would have been able to have a say in the expectations and boundaries too instead of just doing whatever is told. If that were my mom, I would want to insist on some expectations of her own (but maybe that is because I am not yet in a space where I am willing to let go of the past....)
Anyway, I have about 10 and a half typed up pages of notes that I am going to reflect on and talk to my own therapist about.
Five stars because I feel like I need to talk about what I've learned with everyone. This speaks to me exactly in the moment I am in given my specific family stuff. I imagine for someone not dealing with estrangement, it will not be as resonant. Or if someone's family stuff is drastically different (other reviewers claim that for instances of abuse and neglect, this book is not satisfying...I do not have an opinion on that).
What a validating, challenging, and thought-provoking book about the nature of family estrangements and how to heal from them. The first part of the book looks at the landscape of estrangements, and it was eye opening to see that there is a a low estimate that 27% of American families have some sort of estrangement. That, of them, 22% feel upset about it and 85% of the estrangements last over a year, and half that number is 4 or more years. This author mentions the different paths to estrangement and common themes in them. He talks about the adverse effects of it such as chronic stress and violations of human nature (such as social rejection, needs for certainty, attachment, etc).
This first part, felt so validating. It is comforting to see that this is a wide spread issue. It is also concerning to look at the adverse health effects and it does make me want to check in on family members more impacted by the family estrangement going on. At times, I also felt resentful of the initiator in my family and also felt sad about it. The book talks about "ambiguous loss" and there was a particularly moving moment where the author explains and validates the claims that many interviewees felt like "it would just be easier if the person were dead". I actually verbally said "oh wow" because that spoke to me. That human nature doesn't like uncertainty and often an estrangement is when a loved one is "physically absent but psychologically present" or "potentially available but deliberately inaccessible" . That death provides closure and ways of coping because it is so common. This, on the other hand, is less talked about and often has no certainty to it.
So then the second part of this book is all about ways to heal from the estrangements. And this author uses survey data to gather anecdotes and categorize them into broad categories of recommendations (by people who had been estranged who reconciled). A lot of these strategies, I have thought about on my own. And some of them made me angry. Some of them make me roll my eyes. Some gave me some hope.
One strategy for healing is to let go of the past. The author talks about how people's narratives are engrained in them, and often when estrangement happens, the two parties can cite the same moment but with drastically different observations and feelings based on their narratives of self. He says that to force someone to align their version of the past to yours is likely not going to work, as it would mean changing that person's self narrative. This was challenging to hear, as I feel stubborn in my views and would have a hard time letting things go. He says that one might know when it's time to reconcile when the desire for a better present and future is more important than the past hurts....and oh man, this makes me feel like I will be in an estrangement for a while longer.
He goes on to other helpful chapters, looking at peoples perception of fault, changing expectations, and setting boundaries. I won't go into tons of details with these but I can appreciate the focus on perspective shifting and his ideas for getting distance from your own view by looking through the POV of the other.
One thing that is dissatisfying to me is that it seems like the initiator of the cut off has all of the cards. When the author talks about setting boundaries and expectations, it often felt like the person who did the cut off gets the determine everything and those others who were hurt in the process have to just go with it? I do think that setting expectations must go both ways for reconciliation. I had an incredibly negative reaction to the example given in Chapter 9 where a mom, in wanting to have a relationship with her daughter again, says she will "do anything" that the daughter says. I wished the mom would have been able to have a say in the expectations and boundaries too instead of just doing whatever is told. If that were my mom, I would want to insist on some expectations of her own (but maybe that is because I am not yet in a space where I am willing to let go of the past....)
Anyway, I have about 10 and a half typed up pages of notes that I am going to reflect on and talk to my own therapist about.
Five stars because I feel like I need to talk about what I've learned with everyone. This speaks to me exactly in the moment I am in given my specific family stuff. I imagine for someone not dealing with estrangement, it will not be as resonant. Or if someone's family stuff is drastically different (other reviewers claim that for instances of abuse and neglect, this book is not satisfying...I do not have an opinion on that).
July 8, 2023
I can't recommend this book enough. I had a falling out with several members of my family and it hurt me so much. Then I went through a period of grief that was ferocious, like nothing that I had ever felt before. I went to a counselor for grief and family relationships, but this wasn't the answer. I was finally able to figure out that what was happening was estrangement. The problem was that I couldn't find anything to read that helped. This book was the answer. It identified the problem, discussed the fact that estrangement was fairly common and defined and explained it extremely thoroughly.
The second half of the book was all about hope and how to reconcile. Even that was helpful beyond measure because it explained why any attempt at reconciliation was so difficult.
The author uses tons of case studies that are relatable and further explain what people are feeling in estrangement.
I can't recommend this book highly enough if you are having difficulty with a family rift.
The second half of the book was all about hope and how to reconcile. Even that was helpful beyond measure because it explained why any attempt at reconciliation was so difficult.
The author uses tons of case studies that are relatable and further explain what people are feeling in estrangement.
I can't recommend this book highly enough if you are having difficulty with a family rift.
November 5, 2020
This book gave me hope. I have family members who, while not officially "done" with each other, are always on the verge of a rift. At times, they try to drag me and another family member into the middle of their disputes. The book offers multiple anecdotes of real family rifts and how they were resolved, what stood in the way of resolution and tools for getting to that point of resolution. I felt it was a very readable, honest look at family relationships. The first and most important takeaway is not to allow the rift to develop/drag on.
December 30, 2020
This is a bigger problem than most people are willing to admit. It is something people don't like to talk about. People who consider estrangement or go ahead with their decision feel real pain. It is difficult because sometimes continuing an unhealthy relationship can be very painful, but so can estrangement. The book goes through many ways that estrangement happens: divorce, in-laws, money/inheritances, unmet expectations and value and lifestyle differences and also has some good strategies for how to resolve the fractures.
August 1, 2021
This Book Hit My Target
I have been estranged from my adult son for nine years. I read every help book about this subject that I could find. This is the first book that has given me appropriate examples and useful tools that give me the courage to attempt a reconciliation with my son. I ordered this book for my son as well. I am thankful I found this title via estranged parent page on Instagram. Good resource.
I have been estranged from my adult son for nine years. I read every help book about this subject that I could find. This is the first book that has given me appropriate examples and useful tools that give me the courage to attempt a reconciliation with my son. I ordered this book for my son as well. I am thankful I found this title via estranged parent page on Instagram. Good resource.
February 27, 2021
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It is such a well written, thoughtful book on estrangement in families, an all too common problem in life. I wouldn t say I picked it up because of being estranged from anyone but it can offer such valuable insight to someone who wants to maintain healthy family relationships and AVOID estrangement.
October 4, 2020
Very informative with very good examples. Has opened up my eyes to a lot of things.
December 23, 2020
Finally!
A brilliant book about family estrangement. Working through my own family estrangement made easier. Thank you Karl Pillemer.
A brilliant book about family estrangement. Working through my own family estrangement made easier. Thank you Karl Pillemer.
November 16, 2021
Put a hold on the wrong audiobook titled Fault Lines, but glad I did. This was an excellent book!
April 15, 2022
Not bad. Now everything I’ve been taught in therapy makes a lot more sense. It also provides some kind of catharsis when you discover most families have pain and drama.
April 17, 2023
Last month I was with a group of friends in conversation about books we've read and would recommend. I had recently finished Fault Lines and thought it would be of interest to everyone. To open up sharing, I asked a general question. Does anyone have any estrangement in their lives? All shook their heads no. I felt like a wall was erected. Now, I know for a fact that at least three of the people had or continue to have dealt with estrangement from an adult child. It surprised me they flat out denied it. I guess estrangement is a very touchy subject. Other books were brought up... and I missed an opportunity to recommend this book.
As Pillemer wrote, "We are, as the psychologist Alexander Jordan has pointed out, 'embarrassed by our own sadness.' He explains: 'With everyone reluctant to express their genuine attitudes lest they be embarrassed or rejected by peers, people end up feeling more alone in their private attitudes than is warranted.'�
So, in the privacy of your own sadness and stress, if you are a person who has had to deal with an estrangement - relative or friend - this book is a wonderful introduction to the subject. It provides insights and strategies. "Estrangement is rarely one person’s responsibility. This insight may sound simplistic, but it is in fact one of the most important points in this book."
One concept I learned that is really helpful is "Defensive Ignorance."
"What keeps people from an objective evaluation of their own role in a rift? Through my interviews, I discovered that many estranged persons adopt a stance of what I term “defensive ignorance.� This standpoint cuts them off from information that might help them understand their relative’s perspective and stands in the way of reconciliation.... There is both a desire to know why the estrangement occurred and simultaneously a dismissal of the reasons provided."
The stress caused by estrangement, particularly from family members, is deleterious to health.
"Scientists have shown us another fact about chronic stress that helps explain the unending distress of estrangement. It’s not just the actual events that stress us; additionally, simply thinking about the situation has almost identical negative effects. Psychologists call this source of stress “perseverative cognitions,� or what we laypeople might call rumination. Even if the stressor is not actually present—say, for example, the big argument with a child or parent occurred months ago—we re-create the event in our minds. We play the scene over and over in our imagination, ruminating about it long afterward. This kind of thinking has the same psychological and physical effects as the event itself, so we suffer by keeping the stress alive in our thoughts. Indeed, that’s why it’s called “chronic.�
The effects of rejection have particularly toxic psychological repercussions.
Pillemer: "The impact of rejection, according to my interviewees, exceeds that of other losses."
Getting beyond the past is hard:
Soren Kirkegaard: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.� "If you are struggling with the role of the past in an estrangement, let that saying wash over you for a bit."
William Faulkner: “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.�
There were many people who successfully reconciled. Pillemer polled their advice and experiences of success. He discovered insights and shares the advice.
*Abandon the urge to align the past:
1. "Bridging the rift requires abandoning the urge to align the past."
2. "Time spent waiting for an apology is time wasted.
3. Focus on building a new future that can eclipse the past.
"Some reconcilers admit that they gave up imposing their view of the past at a cost to themselves. They did it because they believed the restored relationship was more important."
*Lifelong personal "narratives" need to be faced and recomposed.
"The issue is not one of “Apologize for this thing you did to me.� Rather, the demand is “Apologize for how you have treated me for my entire life.� It is asking others to abandon their lifelong narratives, to which they are equally attached. Narratives form our sense of identity; we do not give them up easily."
* Move forward together. "These reconcilers told me that the key to bridging a rift was to focus on what could happen...next in the relationship, rather than what had already happened."
"For many people, the attempt to create a shared “backward understanding� will fail, because our narratives are our own and form part of our identity. If you are considering an attempt at reconciliation, you must ultimately move forward together, whether or not the two pasts can be aligned.
It's Not My Fault! is a trap:
"... a phrase I heard over and over from estranged family members: 'It’s not my fault.' And my research revealed that few greater barriers to reconciliation exist than an absolute belief in that statement."
Expectations need to be recalibrated:
"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.�
“Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.�
Pillemer admits that there are circumstances where no reconciliation is possible, but most peoples' situation is not that dire. If the estrangement is on the knife's edge, he recommends "One Last Chance":
"If you have a relative desperate to reconnect, offer one last chance; if you are offered one last chance, take it."
As Pillemer wrote, "We are, as the psychologist Alexander Jordan has pointed out, 'embarrassed by our own sadness.' He explains: 'With everyone reluctant to express their genuine attitudes lest they be embarrassed or rejected by peers, people end up feeling more alone in their private attitudes than is warranted.'�
So, in the privacy of your own sadness and stress, if you are a person who has had to deal with an estrangement - relative or friend - this book is a wonderful introduction to the subject. It provides insights and strategies. "Estrangement is rarely one person’s responsibility. This insight may sound simplistic, but it is in fact one of the most important points in this book."
One concept I learned that is really helpful is "Defensive Ignorance."
"What keeps people from an objective evaluation of their own role in a rift? Through my interviews, I discovered that many estranged persons adopt a stance of what I term “defensive ignorance.� This standpoint cuts them off from information that might help them understand their relative’s perspective and stands in the way of reconciliation.... There is both a desire to know why the estrangement occurred and simultaneously a dismissal of the reasons provided."
The stress caused by estrangement, particularly from family members, is deleterious to health.
"Scientists have shown us another fact about chronic stress that helps explain the unending distress of estrangement. It’s not just the actual events that stress us; additionally, simply thinking about the situation has almost identical negative effects. Psychologists call this source of stress “perseverative cognitions,� or what we laypeople might call rumination. Even if the stressor is not actually present—say, for example, the big argument with a child or parent occurred months ago—we re-create the event in our minds. We play the scene over and over in our imagination, ruminating about it long afterward. This kind of thinking has the same psychological and physical effects as the event itself, so we suffer by keeping the stress alive in our thoughts. Indeed, that’s why it’s called “chronic.�
The effects of rejection have particularly toxic psychological repercussions.
Pillemer: "The impact of rejection, according to my interviewees, exceeds that of other losses."
Getting beyond the past is hard:
Soren Kirkegaard: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.� "If you are struggling with the role of the past in an estrangement, let that saying wash over you for a bit."
William Faulkner: “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.�
There were many people who successfully reconciled. Pillemer polled their advice and experiences of success. He discovered insights and shares the advice.
*Abandon the urge to align the past:
1. "Bridging the rift requires abandoning the urge to align the past."
2. "Time spent waiting for an apology is time wasted.
3. Focus on building a new future that can eclipse the past.
"Some reconcilers admit that they gave up imposing their view of the past at a cost to themselves. They did it because they believed the restored relationship was more important."
*Lifelong personal "narratives" need to be faced and recomposed.
"The issue is not one of “Apologize for this thing you did to me.� Rather, the demand is “Apologize for how you have treated me for my entire life.� It is asking others to abandon their lifelong narratives, to which they are equally attached. Narratives form our sense of identity; we do not give them up easily."
* Move forward together. "These reconcilers told me that the key to bridging a rift was to focus on what could happen...next in the relationship, rather than what had already happened."
"For many people, the attempt to create a shared “backward understanding� will fail, because our narratives are our own and form part of our identity. If you are considering an attempt at reconciliation, you must ultimately move forward together, whether or not the two pasts can be aligned.
It's Not My Fault! is a trap:
"... a phrase I heard over and over from estranged family members: 'It’s not my fault.' And my research revealed that few greater barriers to reconciliation exist than an absolute belief in that statement."
Expectations need to be recalibrated:
"Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.�
“Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.�
Pillemer admits that there are circumstances where no reconciliation is possible, but most peoples' situation is not that dire. If the estrangement is on the knife's edge, he recommends "One Last Chance":
"If you have a relative desperate to reconnect, offer one last chance; if you are offered one last chance, take it."
July 28, 2024
Lots of really great information if you have family/friend separations. Personally had for me to read but glad I did.
January 29, 2025
Scrisă din perspectiva unui cercetător, cartea prezintă fenomenul înstrăinării familiale, așa cum rezultă din interviuri cu persoane care au avut sau au în familie o situație de acest gen. Fără a își propune să ofere soluții psihologice, cartea constituie un ghid empiric pentru înțelegerea cauzelor, efectelor și opțiunilor de schimbare a cursului evenimentelor de înstrăinare.
January 1, 2025
This book is better described as a guide on how to return to pre-estrangement communication levels with a family member than on how to have a satisfying relationship with them. A lot of that might have to do with the book’s target audience. Given the way it’s organized, I would guess it’s intended for people in their 50s and older who have been cut off by a family member and most likely aren’t capable of meaningful emotional growth. If you’re someone who made the choice to end a relationship with a family member you’re likely to find the first 60% of this book invalidating. The book starts off with a very strong stance that estrangement is wrong and that those on the receiving end grapple with immense feelings of shame and embarrassment. Although the author never explicitly says estrangement is wrong, it is implied by the lengthy discussion on the harm estrangement inflicts on those directly and indirectly involved. Mindbogglingly, in the first and last chapters he highlights a case involving child abuse and sexual abuse as an example of how reconciliation is possible even in the worst of circumstances. The positive impacts of estrangement are never mentioned. Halfway through the book the author mercifully begins to suggest that estrangement might be justifiable, but then 8 pages from the end clears things up for the reader by saying he can’t recommend estrangement because of the shock it gives to the person being cut off. As someone who chose estrangement to protect myself, I regretted purchasing this book until chapter 8, which is 163 pages into the paperback version. That’s where the somewhat useful information began for me. Again, I think the way this book was structured was purposeful and targeted towards an older generation who the author/publisher felt needed to be made to feel safe before being confronted with some hard truths. For readers seeking meaningful, two-sided relationships or nothing at all (especially with a parent), this book has some tidbits of useful information but it will ultimately fall short of expectations. The author is not a mental health professional, but involving a mental health professional from the very beginning of the project this book describes might have resulted in some truly transformative advice. As it is, I don’t see much value in this book other than in reassuring people that they’re not alone and that it’s possible to go back to how things were, which for some might be enough.
March 25, 2024
Very good. Insightful. Takes the approach of interviewing 2 groups: 1) people with family estrangement and 2) what he calls "reconcilers" ie people who have reconciled family estrangement. He has an interesting style where he manages to be pretty objective, stating what people say and trying to explain how those thoughts or mindsets may be interfering with reconciliation.
Reconcile for you, not for others.
Think about the collateral damage to other family members.
He goes into causes of estrangement, tracing patterns he sees from all the interviews. How does the inciting incident work. What are common causes of estrangement.
How do people talk about estrangement. How does being estranged impact them physically and emotionally.
Cognitive dissonance. How people say they don't know the cause but they also do know the cause--they just don't think it's a good reason.
A big point is that the two sides are never going to agree on the narrative.
How will you know if you are ready to reconcile. What kinds of tools are there for reconciliation. How can reconciliation be different than the relationship you left because it was so anxiety provoking.
This book gave me a lot to think about and clarified and uncovered a lot of the dynamics of estrangement. I highlighted a lot of it and I'll be reviewing it.
Some things really spoke to me. Some things didn't speak to me and it's hard to say whether it's because they were not relevant to my situation or whether I am resisting them. Since the book straddles all sorts of cases, some people are "being stubborn" and some people are right to be wary of reconciliation. Who is who. There is definitely a lot to think about here. I like that there are a number of cases where there are real harms and real objectively horrible things and it shows an approach to reconciliation that is realistic and understanding.
Reconcile for you, not for others.
Think about the collateral damage to other family members.
He goes into causes of estrangement, tracing patterns he sees from all the interviews. How does the inciting incident work. What are common causes of estrangement.
How do people talk about estrangement. How does being estranged impact them physically and emotionally.
Cognitive dissonance. How people say they don't know the cause but they also do know the cause--they just don't think it's a good reason.
A big point is that the two sides are never going to agree on the narrative.
How will you know if you are ready to reconcile. What kinds of tools are there for reconciliation. How can reconciliation be different than the relationship you left because it was so anxiety provoking.
This book gave me a lot to think about and clarified and uncovered a lot of the dynamics of estrangement. I highlighted a lot of it and I'll be reviewing it.
Some things really spoke to me. Some things didn't speak to me and it's hard to say whether it's because they were not relevant to my situation or whether I am resisting them. Since the book straddles all sorts of cases, some people are "being stubborn" and some people are right to be wary of reconciliation. Who is who. There is definitely a lot to think about here. I like that there are a number of cases where there are real harms and real objectively horrible things and it shows an approach to reconciliation that is realistic and understanding.
July 3, 2021
A persuasive argument for giving a relative from whom you are estranged “one last chance”—as long as that chance comes with highly structured boundaries and a willingness to compromise for the sake of re-establishing the relationship.
I expected this book to be one long “but what if they diiiiiie and you regreeeeeeet it???� and there is a bit of that, but it’s more about managing your expectations. Chances are, your relative may never agree with or even acknowledge the reasons that you cut them off, and you’ll likely never get the real, sincere apology that you want from them.
With that said, for some people, the offering “one last chance� can still be beneficial, even if it fails miserably and the only thing you get out of it is the absolute certainty that estrangement is the right choice after all.
I wish there were more concrete examples of boundaries and how to enforce them. Overall, though, this is an engaging read that presents a lot of actionable advice for thinking about—and ending—family estrangements.
I expected this book to be one long “but what if they diiiiiie and you regreeeeeeet it???� and there is a bit of that, but it’s more about managing your expectations. Chances are, your relative may never agree with or even acknowledge the reasons that you cut them off, and you’ll likely never get the real, sincere apology that you want from them.
With that said, for some people, the offering “one last chance� can still be beneficial, even if it fails miserably and the only thing you get out of it is the absolute certainty that estrangement is the right choice after all.
I wish there were more concrete examples of boundaries and how to enforce them. Overall, though, this is an engaging read that presents a lot of actionable advice for thinking about—and ending—family estrangements.
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