This book is very thorough in explaining what goes wrong in romantic relationships and how to minimize the risk of it. It's hard for me to remember anThis book is very thorough in explaining what goes wrong in romantic relationships and how to minimize the risk of it. It's hard for me to remember anything when I just hear it, and this was an audiobook, but I'll summarize my takeaways below.
Self, please re-read this if you think you're falling in love again!
-- The author's main model of relationships in the RAM model. He asks us to imagine it like a graphic equalizer, with one slider for getting to know someone one, one for trust, one for relying on them, one for commitment, and one for sex. You want to move them all up slowly and never move a slider higher than the ones to its left. (ex. don't commit before you really know someone, trust them enough to rely on them, and rely on them enough to know whether they are reliable. Don't trust someone until you know them. Etc.)
If you want to have a happy relationship, you need chemistry, you need someone you can count on, and you need someone you enjoy being with as a best friend. It's not a fantasy to imagine you can have all of these in one person, it's required! If you don't laugh with the person and enjoy their company, if you're not both attracted to each other, if you don't have the closeness and supportiveness of best friends... this relationship will not work in the long run. If it's just a problem of lack of communication skills or you've become polarized, but you used to have these things together, then it may be fixable. But otherwise, find someone else.
To predict what your partner may be like in the long term, realize: - most patterns can't be detected before 3 months, and many take at least 2 years to detect - the way things are in the beginning is likely the best they'll ever be. Over time, the good often fades out and the bad gets worse. - notice how this person treats their acquaintances; close people like friends, parents, and children; and exes. Would you want to be treated the way this person treats their waiter, workmates or underlings, exes, parents, kids? Because when you're fighting, you'll probably be treated as the worst of these.
I generally assume a person's best self is their real self, and maybe that's true, but that's not who you'll be in a relationship with. At best, you'll be partners with their average behavior. So if their average isn't good, then leave.
Why we become oblivious to how shitty things are getting until we leave: Our brains are designed to analyze a potential partner for the first three months, then stop analyzing and assume everything is fine. Also, the more we need a feeling of security, the more we'll chalk up bad behavior as a fluke (not a pattern) revise our picture of this partner not to include it. The author gives an example of a woman whose husband had many violent episodes, including one in which he broke her arm, and she just wasn't able to see it as a pattern. (Until she finally did.) I wouldn't believe this except I know that's exactly what I did in my last two relationships. Not that there was violence in any of my relationships, but even just controlling behavior is frankly embarrassing to admit you put up with and easier to revise/deny away, because if you admit the truth, then you have to do something about it.
Also, I had been seeing my long series of 2- or 3-year relationships as a general failure at life. But according to this guy, I didn't fail at a bunch of serious relationships. I had a bunch of people fail their auditions, so I appropriately sent them on their way before things could become any more serious.
The author does seem to see marriage as the only legitimate form of romantic relationship, which doesn't match my view. I have no interest in ever marrying again. As he points out, if you don't really mean an unconditional commitment, then wtf does marriage even mean and what's the point? Well, I've promised "til death do us part" twice now, and both of those people are still alive as far as I know, so I don't see how (or why) I'd promise it again.
The author also has a lot of studies that show that people who have sex with anyone but their one-and-only spouse are more likely to divorce, cheat, etc. I mean, I'm sure the statistics back that up, and he even brings up the argument that those stats could be because of an underlying belief causing both the sex and the poor marriage statistics. But then he dismisses that out of hand and concludes that people just shouldn't have sex outside marriage. He insists that it's impossible to have sex without catching feelings, and gives one whole anecdote to back that up! Woo!
In my experience, his whole stance on sex is a bunch of hooey, and refusing to have sex until after you're married just makes for a big rush to marry someone you shouldn't, and a bunch of expensive regret later. But YMMV.
And if married people are so much happier and healthier than single people, as the author says, then where are all the happily married people? I'm thinking through all the married people I know, and I can't think of any that are happy. Yeah, sign me right up for that. Can't wait!
That said, I do think this book contains helpful information about selecting a good long-term partner, or at least eliminating people who would be bad ones. That's useful to me....more
This book has appeared to me in the midst of my unconditional love project and reinforced everything I was already coming to believe. It says the sameThis book has appeared to me in the midst of my unconditional love project and reinforced everything I was already coming to believe. It says the same things I’ve heard many times, but in a different way that feels like a whole new approach to it has been opened.
The micro-version is: everything we believe and everything anyone has ever told us, it’s all suggestions that we accept and hypnotize ourselves further with, or reject and de-program in ourselves. So pick the good stuff, create consciously, dispute all negative thoughts immediately and replace them with what you want. Focus on what you want and you will create it.
But it’s a short book. Don’t take the summary, read it (again). It feels so good.
Note to self: this is the book with the flight instructor who helps the lady whose husband is unconscious land her plane while flying beside her, and 30 years before he was hypnotized and believed he was in a room made of stone walls with no way out....more
I read this back in 2021 but apparently I forgot the key lessons. Even the second time, it was so eye-opening. Long story short, the problem is that tI read this back in 2021 but apparently I forgot the key lessons. Even the second time, it was so eye-opening. Long story short, the problem is that these men see women as their property, not human beings, and feel entitled to control us and have all their wants and needs catered to. If we want or need something, that’s secondary at best, and if we don’t do everything they want, they see it as us abusing them.
It’s worth reading again for the specific examples, but note: they know what they’re doing, and they do it on purpose. Ex. The “out-of-control� rager who throws things and breaks stuff but only breaks her stuff, the drunk who is still careful to leave marks only where they won’t be seen by outsiders. ...more
I encountered the author in one of Mike Dooley’s programs. I wasn’t at all convinced I’d like this book, but I got it anyway. it was a very slow startI encountered the author in one of Mike Dooley’s programs. I wasn’t at all convinced I’d like this book, but I got it anyway. it was a very slow start for me, but once I started reading and doing the experiments, I was super into it.
I didn’t get what I asked for within the deadline for every experiment, but I did for many of them. Some came later in a bigger way than I imagined. For others, it was instructive to watch the way my approach to the experiments matched my approach to my business or other areas of my life. Even if I didn’t get the answer or result I was expecting, these insights were the answers I needed more.
There are still a few experiments that I skipped (the coat hangers, the seeds, and I think one other one) because I didn’t have the materials on hand at the time. I’d like to go back and do them again.
I think my favorite experiment was actually the sunset beige cars. I had never even heard of “sunset beige� as a color before, and I was quite convinced that there were no sunset beige cars in the entire world. But then I started seeing cars that I would previously have called tan, gold, or champaign, and I realized there are actually tons of sunset beige cars. I started seeing them everywhere.
Then, just for fun, I decided I wanted to see only white cars for a few minutes. I live on a busy street, so there are always dozens of cars out there. Usually it’s a mix of colors, but for a few minutes there, the universe delivered all white. It was really wild.
This life is a beautiful game, and I’m grateful to be learning that bout it, and I’m grateful to be learning to play it well. :)...more
This would have been a 4-star “book� if not for what I regard as serious ethical problems. But first, let me tell you what it is and what’s good aboutThis would have been a 4-star “book� if not for what I regard as serious ethical problems. But first, let me tell you what it is and what’s good about it.
This is more of an outline for writing sales copy than an actual book. It presents a model that’s the author’s compilation of a few other people’s models, and I think it could be very effective and save time in writing a sales page.
One thing that shocked me is the author said he used to spend two months writing one sales page! I was getting down on myself for taking 10 hours to write one. Using this system, he got it down to two weeks, though. Huzzah?
Pros: - This guy is an extremely persuasive writer and this system is based on other systems that I know work well, and he’s sure made a lot more money than I have! - It’s a short read - I think the structure would work and be pretty easy to implement
Cons: - The author seems to have no concept of ethics. In one section, he talks about how powerful the “us vs. them� mentality is, encourages the reader to include it in their sales copy, specifically using the example of Hitler as one to emulate. What?!
I can’t argue that the guy was persuasive, but I would think that would serve as a cautionary tale, not an example to follow.
The author also gave an example of how he used Republicans� hatred of Democrats to add divisiveness to our society and sell [I don’t know what]. To me, all that “us vs. them� stuff is the worst thing that’s going wrong in our country. Do you not worry about making the world a worse place? Is it worth it to do so, just to make a buck?
This model is mostly a simplified version of one I already knew from Russell Brunson, so I probably will use the good parts. But if I see this author coming, I’ll cross to the other side of the street.
After devouring this book, I was curious as to whether the author had written anything else, so I looked him up on Amazon and was shocked to see this “book� listed for $39.99! It reads like a free lead magnet, so I assumed that’s what it was. If I had paid $40 for it, I’d be PISSED. ...more
I didn't think I really knew that much about this stuff, but almost everything in this book, I had already read or seen before. Including: somehow as an undergrad, I already knew that I would study more efficiently if I always went to the same place to study (especially if it was a boring one). So, whenever I had a big test coming up, I went to the boring library on campus and holed myself up in a study room. There was nothing else to do in there—it was just a white room with a table, a chair, and a whiteboard—so I'd get right to work, and over time, as soon as I got there, I'd just settle right in, because that's what we do there.
However, even though there didn't seem to be anything new in this book, it was still worth a read.
Notes
Ch. 1 1% better every day for a year = 1.01^356 = 37.78 1% worse every day for a year = .99^365 = .03 It's a compounding process, and there's usually a tipping point before which it doesn't look like anything is happening.
Which way are you going?
Ch. 2: Most people try to establish habits from the outside (the outcome they want). But the goal matches the person's identity (i.e., start from the inside), it will never stick. The right order is identity -> process -> outcome, not the other way around.
Ex. When turning down a cigarette, "I'm not a smoker" is way more effective than "I'm trying to quit."
To change your identity, decide what type of person you want to be, then give your self evidence that backs up your new identity. (Ex. writing sessions => I'm a writer, so do as many writing sessions as you can, and notice that you're doing it because you're a writer.)
This is why Tiny Habits practices work. By doing the thing, you prove to yourself that you are the kind of person who does that thing. And then it becomes natural to do the thing.
Chapter 3 Habits are a self-reinforcing cycle of cue (the trigger) -> craving (desire for the reward) -> response (what you do to get the reward) -> reward (the result, which feels good)
How to create a good habit: 1. (cue) Make it obvious 2. (craving) Make it attractive 3. (response) Make it easy 4. (reward) Make it satisfying
How to break a bad habit: 1. (cue): Make it invisible 2. (craving): Make it unattractive 3. (response): Make it difficult 4. (reward): Make it unsatisfying
Chapter 4 Make your habits conscious or you can never change them. Make a list of all of your daily habits and which ones are "good," "bad," or neutral. As you do anything, announce it to yourself out loud. (ex. I'm about to eat a cookie, which is contrary to my goal of losing weight and being healthier.)
Chapter 5 Two keys to starting a new habit: - Make a plan including specific date and time or other cue that will trigger you to do the new behavior - Start on the first day of a new week, month, or year because that's when hope is highest
Habit stacking: use an existing well-established habit to trigger another habit. Ex. After I eat breakfast, I'll put my dish in the dishwasher.
Chapter 6 Environment trumps motivation. Put water / fruit / whatever you want to consume more of everywhere and make it visible, and you'll consume more of it.
We also associate certain locations with certain behaviors. Ex. the boring library is only for studying.
Habits are easier to change in new locations with no existing associations.
For more creativity, go someplace new and big/spacious. To eat more healthy food, go to a new grocery store that doesn't already have all your old routines. He recommends using each space for only one purpose (ex. cooking, exercise, working). Then only go to that space when you want to do that thing. When you go there, it will be natural to do that thing.
Chapter 7 35% of US soldiers in Vietnam tried heroin, as many as 20% were addicted. But 90% of those who were addicted dropped it entirely when they came home. No trigger, no easy access, no association of surroundings with the habit. Whereas the opposite thing happens when addicts go home from rehab and are once again surrounded by their old using environment.
To have "self-control," set up your environment to minimize the need for it.
"Once a habit has been encoded, the urge to act follows wheneverthe environmental cues reappear. This is one reason behaviorchange techniques can backfire. Shaming obese people with weight-loss presentations can make them feel stressed, and as a result many people return to their favorite coping strategy: overeating. Showing pictures of blackened lungs to smokers leads to higher levels of anxiety, which drives many people to reach for a cigarette. If you’re not careful about cues, you can cause the very behavior you want to stop.
"Bad habits are autocatalytic: the process feeds itself. They foster the feelings they try to numb. You feel bad, so you eat junk food. Because you eat junk food, you feel bad. Watching television makes you feel sluggish, so you watch more television because you don’t have the energy to do anything else. Worrying about your health makes you feel anxious, which causes you to smoke to ease your anxiety, which makes your health even worse and soon you’re feeling more anxious. It’s a downward spiral, a runaway train of bad habits.
"Researchers refer to this phenomenon as “cue-induced wanting�: an external trigger causes a compulsive craving to repeat a bad habit."
** To stop a bad habit, make it invisible / remove temptation / reduce exposure to its cues.
Chapter 8 The thing about baby birds pecking the red spot on the cardboard beak -> how we create junk food as an extreme version of what we're evolutionarily drawn to, to trick our own species.
Use this for good, not evil!
Pair something you enjoy and look forward to with a habit you want to build. Ex. If you want to eat a popsicle but need to do burpees, After [some well-established habit or cue], I will do 10 burpees. Then I will eat my popsicle. Ex. Guy who rigged up his Netflix to only work if he was on his exercise bike and moving at or above a minimum speed
Chapter 9 We imitate people we're close to, our culture at large, and the powerful. To reinforce your habit, join a culture where you already have something in common and your desired behavior is the norm. (Ex. Nerd Fitness)
Chapter 10 Every craving has a deeper motive below the surface. Ex. conserve energy, get food or water, get love, reproduce, get approval, bond, reduce uncertainty, get status/prestige
If you figure out what you really want beneath the surface of the craving, you can get it another way. ... hm, so what's another way to get numbness? Just askin'.
Also, reframe your shit so it sounds good. Ex. replace "ugh, workout, sweaty and hard, blah" with "yay, I get to get strong and fit!"
To make it easier to drop into your work, create a starting ritual so it becomes automatic. Ex. "Ed Latimore, a boxer and writer from Pittsburgh," found that putting on his headphones got him into writing mode, even if he didn't turn on music.
Chapter 11 Class was divided into two groups: one graded on quantity of photos (submit 100 photos, get an A), the other on quality (submit one perfect photo, get an A). The first group made lots of great photos. The second each made one mediocre one.
Motion vs. taking action: motion can be preparation, busywork, learning, and/or distraction. Taking action is actually doing the thing. Make sure you keep taking action.
Setting a habit isn't about 21 days or 30 days or whatever. It's about doing enough reps to cross a tipping point. That's why we start so tiny until the habit is established.
Chapter 12 Reduce the friction required to do your habit. Ex. don't pick a gym that's out of the way, pick one that's right on the way home from work. Subtract wasted effort and leave everything set up for next time.
For bad habits, do the opposite. Delete Facebook off your phone, don't buy ice cream, etc.
Chapter 13 The 2-minute rule: when starting a new habit, it should take less than 2 minutes to do. Ex. read one page, get out your yoga mat, open your notebook, put on your running shoes
Once you've established the habit, this 2-minute thing becomes your starting ritual for the larger habit. But don't go bigger until you've got the baseline habit established.
Chapter 14 1830, Victor Hugo kept screwing around and procrastinating instead of writing. Publisher set a six-month deadline, so he had his assistant lock up his clothes. Since he couldn't go out, he holed up and finished the book. (The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which he finished two weeks early)
Commitment device: something that forces you to do the right thing. Ex. internet router plugged into smart outlet that turns off at bedtime each night, having the waiter box up half your meal before he brings it to the table
Chapter 15 Slums of Pakistan, people could be saved by washing hands, everyone knew they should do it but people weren't doing it. Donated Safeguard soap, considered a premium soap in Pakistan. Much nicer than regular soap. People liked the experience, so they started washing their hands. Five years after the last free soap, people still had the habit of washing their hands. Disease and death way down as a result.
Similarly, gum and toothpaste used much more since added flavors. A woman gray-rocked a narcissistic relative and he found her so boring, he started avoiding her!
Rewards need to be instant or we don't really care!
To make it satisfying to NOT do something, make progress visible. Ex. Trying to spend less money => whenever you pass on a purchase, put the money in an account to save for something you really want (ex. leather jacket, vacation). Seeing the money adding up in there gives you immediate satisfaction, so you'll keep doing it.
Chapter 16 Visual progress bars
Ex. Stockbroker Trent Dyrsmid had a jar of 120 paperclips on his desk (and another empty jar). Every morning, he'd start making sales calls. For each sales call, he'd move a paperclip to the other jar. He moved all 120 every day. Within 18 months he was bringing in $5 million to the firm.
You can also use a habit tracker for this. Or just put a mark on the calendar for every day you do the habit.
Ideally, automate the tracking! Ex. Fitbit counting steps
Note: you can miss one session of your habit without hurting anything, but don't miss two! That's the road to breaking the habit.
Chapter 17 Habit contracts and accountability buddies ex. have to pay your trainer $100 if you don't do what you said you would
Chapter 18 Play a game that matches your strengths and predispositions (ex. If you're 6'4", don't try to be a gymnast) Do what you like and comes easy to you.
Chapter 19 Spend as much time as you can in the sweet spot of challenge. Too easy is boring, too hard is discouraging. Just barely outside your current ability level (specifically, 4% beyond) is the sweet spot.
The difference between the great ones and everyone else is being able to handle the boredom of showing up and practicing every day.
Chapter 20 The downside of habits it they make good behavior non-conscious. Use metrics and review processes (ex. year in review) to make it conscious again and find areas to improve.
Generalize your identity so it will be flexible to evolve with you. Ex. "'I'm an athlete' becomes 'I'm the type of person who is mentally tough and loves a physical challenge.'"
Conclusion The secret is piling one session on top of another, one foot in front of the other, day after day. Over time, it will accumulate into significant results....more
I read this because I watched Judy Blume Forever on Amazon Prime, and I couldn’t remember whether this was the book I was thinking of or not.
It’s notI read this because I watched Judy Blume Forever on Amazon Prime, and I couldn’t remember whether this was the book I was thinking of or not.
It’s not. I don’t think I read this one before.
The big-deal scandal is that teenagers have sex. Gasp! Clutch pearls!
I read a lot of Judy Blume books back in the day—most of them, it seems. So I’m surprised to feel so indifferent to this one. The writing seems kind of dry, with a lot of tell as opposed to show. I’m bummed about the ending, which seemed kind of rushed and unnecessary, but I guess everything ends sometime. ...more
This book was recommended by someone on an internet group. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I gave that recommendation so much credence—maybe it was juThis book was recommended by someone on an internet group. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I gave that recommendation so much credence—maybe it was just the confidence with which it was given. I definitely would have DNF’d if not for that recommendation.
There were a few times when I felt like I had gotten a new insight from this book, although I don’t remember any of them now. Mostly it was pretty obvious stuff re-warmed, though, and I really don’t like this guy’s style, which was mostly arrogant with some touches of preachy thrown in. Blah. ...more
This was an intense book. The author really brought the characters to life. That’s not exactly to say I enjoyed it. It’s a sad story, and all of the cThis was an intense book. The author really brought the characters to life. That’s not exactly to say I enjoyed it. It’s a sad story, and all of the characters were jerks to one degree or another. Well written though. ...more
Some really dumb stuff happens, and the male lead is seriously codependent and self-absorbed. But overall, this is a sweet book, and I had fun listeniSome really dumb stuff happens, and the male lead is seriously codependent and self-absorbed. But overall, this is a sweet book, and I had fun listening to it. Can’t believe it was recommended on NPR, but whatever. ...more
“All your questions answered�? Well, I still have two that haven’t been answered, but I got an eyeful of tutorials on things I wasn’t expecting.
I did“All your questions answered�? Well, I still have two that haven’t been answered, but I got an eyeful of tutorials on things I wasn’t expecting.
I didn’t actually intend to read the whole book, just wanted to check it out when I stumbled across it on Scribed, but here we are. All in all, an interesting book....more
I started this audiobook on the way home from PA and then forgot about it for months. Now that I’ve finally finished it, I’m not sure what to think. SI started this audiobook on the way home from PA and then forgot about it for months. Now that I’ve finally finished it, I’m not sure what to think. Some of it turned out the way I expected, and some definitely didn’t. The ending was� a lot. ...more
I originally got this book mainly because I wanted to understand someone else’s illness. But before I finished it, I was diagnosed with melanoma. SuddI originally got this book mainly because I wanted to understand someone else’s illness. But before I finished it, I was diagnosed with melanoma. Suddenly, shit got real.
I recognize myself a lot in the stories and behaviors of the patients in this book. All that politeness and protecting others� feelings and wanting to take care of other people and trying not to be selfish!
Also, I had no idea I repressed my emotions. I cry all the time! How could that be true? But observing myself since my surgery and since reading this book, I see that it is true. It’s not rare for me to feel the tip of the iceberg and then shut it down because it’s too big and scary.
The author lists one of the most helpful things as a 6-session group therapy program that helped people connect and open up and cope. I’ve been in therapy for over 20 years, so I feel a little bitter that I haven’t worked this shit out long ago.
Notes and highlights to be added here if possible from Scribd.
Super interesting book—highly recommended.
Highlights - unfortunately in reverse order and without the locations because Scribd doesn't want me to save my notes, the jerks.
Affirmation
6. Assertion
5. Attachment
parents see their children’s pain?� “I’ve had to ask myself the same thing. It’s because we haven’t seen our own.
4. Autonomy
3. Anger
2. Awareness
1. Acceptance Acceptance is simply the willingness to recognize and accept how things are. It is the courage to permit negative thinking to inform our understanding, without allowing it to define our approach to the future.
“If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.�
guilt is a signal that they have chosen to do something for themselves. I advise most people with serious medical conditions that there is probably something out of balance if they do not feel guilty. They are still putting their own needs, emotions, inte
There is a remarkable consistency in people’s coping styles across the many diseases we have considered: the repression of anger, the denial of vulnerability, the “compensatory hyperindependence.� No one chooses these traits deliberately or develops them
Rather, it is a willingness to consider what is not working. What is not in balance? What have I ignored? What is my body saying no to? Without these questions, the stresses responsible for our lack of balance will remain hidden.
the key to healing is the individual’s active, free and informed choice.
If we would heal, it is essential to begin the painfully incremental task of reversing the biology of belief we adopted very early in life.
8. I have to be very ill to deserve being taken care of
7. I don’t exist unless I do something. I must justify my existence
6. I’m not wanted—I’m not lovable
5. I can handle anything
“I had to be very, very careful. When I started going out with Eva, who is now my wife, and we would have a fight, I would start smiling. I told her I was enjoying that we could actually fight and be different, and she was not going to go away. I definite
4. I’m responsible for the whole world
3. If I’m angry, I will not be lovable
2. It’s not right for me to be angry
1. I have to be strong
tendency to feel alone with their emotions, to have a sense—rightly or wronglythat no one can share how they feel, that no one can “understand.�
Children in non-attuned relationships may feel loved but on a deeper level do not experience themselves as appreciated for who they really are. They learn to present only their “acceptable� side to the parent, repressing emotional responses the parent rej
Her fundamental expectation is that she will be abandoned. “I believe if anybody got to know me, they would leave me for sure,� she says.
For the adult, therefore, biological stress regulation depends on a delicate balance between social and relationshipsecurity on the one hand, and genuine autonomy on the other. Whatever upsets that balance, whether or not the individual is consciously awa
The less the emotional capacity for self-regulation develops during infancy and childhood, the more the adult depends on relationships to maintain homeostasis.
“The existence of a mind-body link and a person-per-son link means that it is possible for anxiety in one person to be manifested as a physical symptom in another person,� Dr. Kerr writes. “As is the case with the emotional dysfunctions, the one prone to
Women who were more selfregulated, less emotionally dependent on a relationship that failed to work for them, had stronger immune systems. Greater differentiation means better health.The less powerful partner in any relationship will absorb a disproportio
On the other hand, if my ability to function is independent of other people’s having to do my emotional work for me—that is, if I can remain engaged with others while staying emotionally open to them and to myself—then I would be said to have basic differ
Given the effect of emotions on hormonal regulation, it is not unlikely that isolation may have a direct promotional effect on the development of this set of cancers.”¹�
Women experiencing a stressor objectively rated as highly threatening and who were without intimate emotional social supporthad a ninefold increase in risk of developing breast carcinoma.”¹⁰
Other traits identified in the psychological investigations of people with rheumatoid disease include perfectionism, a fear of one’s own angry impulses, denial of hostility and strong feelings of inadequacy. As we have seen, similar traits are said to be
pseudo-independence, described by the authors as a compensating hyperindependence. Celia’s rigid belief that she could get through everything by herself was a coping mechanism, a compensation for emotional needs ignored in childhood. A child in her situat
Characteristic of many persons with rheumatoid diseases is a stoicism carried to anextreme degree, a deeply ingrained reticence about seeking help. People often put up silently with agonizing discomfort, or will not voice their complaints loudly enough to
The greater the trauma, the lower becomes the sensory threshold. A normal amount of gas in the intestinal lumen and a normal level of tension in the intestinal wall will trigger pain in the sensitized person.
When, as a child, you felt sad, upset or angry, was there anyone you could talk to—even when he or she was the one who had triggered your negative emotions? In a quarter century of clinical practice, including a decade of palliative work, I have never hea
Repression, the inability to say no and a lack of awareness of one’s anger make it much more likely that a person will find herself in situations where her emotions are unexpressed, her needs are ignored and her gentleness is exploited.
the elements of denial and repression of anger and of other negative emotions . . . the external appearance of a ‘nice� or ‘good� person, a suppression of reactions which may offend others, and the avoidance of conflict
while the Type B easily expresses anger, fear, sadness and other emotions, the Type C individual, in our view, suppresses or represses ‘negative� emotions, particularly anger, while struggling to maintain a strong and happy facade.”�
“extremely cooperative, patient, passive, lacking assertiveness and accepting
patients with malignant melanoma displayed coping reactions and tendencies that could be described as indicating ‘repressiveness.� These reactions were significantly different from patients with cardiovascular disease, who could be said to manifest the op
They found that cancer was most apt to occur in those women with a ‘helplessness-prone personality,� or some sense of helpless frustration which could not be resolved in the preceding six months.”²�
cancer, the most consistently identified risk factor is the inability to express emotion, particularly the feelings associated with anger.
At the University of Rochester, a fifteen-year study of people who developed lymphoma or leukemia reportedly found that these malignancies were “apt to occur in a setting of emotional loss or separation which in turn brought about feelings of anxiety, sad
The results indicated that for lung cancer to occur, tobacco alone is not enough: emotional repression must somehow potentiate the effects of smoke damage on the body. But how?
anti-emotionality, or R/A. The eleven questions identifying R/A measured a single trait: the repression of anger. “Indeed cancer incidence was some 40 times higher in those who answered positively to 10 or 11 of the questions for R/A than in the remaining
The people that I see with cancers and all these conditions have difficulty saying no and expressing anger. They tend to repress their anger or, at the very best, express it sarcastically, but never directly.
Research has suggested for decades that women are more prone to develop breast cancer if their childhoods were characterized by emotional disconnection from their parents or other disturbances in their upbringing; if they tend to repress emotions, particu
Studies at the U.S. National Cancer Institute found that natural killer (NK) cells, an important class of immune cells we have already met, are more active in breast cancer patients who are able to express anger, to adopt a fighting stance and who have mo
The researchers found that emotional factors and social involvement were more important to survival than the degree of disease itself.
The research literature has identified three factors that universally lead to stress: uncertainty, the lack of information and the loss of control.
they were exposed to acute and chronic stress by their childhood conditioning, and their ability to engage in the necessary flight- or-fight behaviour was impaired. The fundamental problem is not the external stress, such as the life events quoted in t
the role of emo- tional repression in cancer. In many people with malignancy, there seemed to be an automatic denial of psychic or physical pain and of uncomfortable emotions like anger, sadness or rejection.
In important areas of their lives, almost none of my patients with serious disease had ever learned to say no. If some peo- ple’s personalities and circumstances appeared very different from Mary’s on the surface, the underlying emotional repression wa
When emotions are repressed, as Mary had to do in her childhood search for security, this inhibition disarms the body’s defences against illness....more
I read Part I, then skipped to Part IV. This book is interesting but depressing. Given the author’s other work, I thought it would eventually talk aboI read Part I, then skipped to Part IV. This book is interesting but depressing. Given the author’s other work, I thought it would eventually talk about fasting to prevent cancer, how that works, how to do it, how much to do, etc. But no, it ended with a depressing description of the state of the art. At first, I was excited to read about promising-sounding immunotherapies, but then it turned out the best breakthroughs still do things like raise survival rates to 20% or give people 8 more months to live. Seriously? Fuck that shit.
One tidbit that stood out for me was the accidental discovery that catching a different disease sometimes mobilized the patient’s immune system and took out the cancer, too, especially if it involved a fever. And, based on my very rudimentary understanding, it seems like the mechanism breakdown that causes MS (which the author compares to turning off the “kill switch�) is the exact one being used to unleash T cells against cancer? Not sure if I’m right about that or not, but it’s certainly intriguing. ...more
This book was so funny at first! I was literally laughing out loud. Then things got awfully chaotic, then sad. Now I’m not even sure whether I enjoyedThis book was so funny at first! I was literally laughing out loud. Then things got awfully chaotic, then sad. Now I’m not even sure whether I enjoyed the book. I did, though. It was my favorite thing up until today....more
I listened to this book on audio, and I was suddenly very confused to find that what I thought was one person was actually two different people. I wanI listened to this book on audio, and I was suddenly very confused to find that what I thought was one person was actually two different people. I want to go back and listen to the beginning again, to see whether I missed a big clue while thinking about driving or something.
Definitely not what I thought it was going to be, but I enjoyed it. Perfect to make a long drive fly by. ...more
I worked through this book with my therapist. I had been stuck for years on an ex-boyfriend who died, and going through the process in this book reallI worked through this book with my therapist. I had been stuck for years on an ex-boyfriend who died, and going through the process in this book really did help me let go of the pain and being stuck in the past, without having to give up the memories of good times. Now our relationship feels like a sweet interlude that I’ll always cherish—that happened a long time ago. It no longer feels like the crux of my life.
At my therapist’s urging, I also went through the process for my relationship with each of my parents (even though they’re still alive and we get along better than we ever have now). I’m sure that was helpful, too, but it was less obvious than the one with my former boyfriend. I feel like I had already resolved all the big stuff with my parents years ago.
Anyway, I really recommend this book. It’s not just about death. There are all kinds of losses. Even when something good happens, life changes, and we experience the loss of the way things were. Even if the new way is better, there can still be grief there.
I had been feeling like there was a perpetual haze of blah over my life, and even when I was pretty happy, there was still a hollowness about it. Now I feel like that’s gone, and I can just be in the present without the past fogging everything up. I had forgotten what it even felt like not to have that. It’s pretty amazing....more
I really enjoyed the first few chapters of this book. I found it really eye-opening. In fact, I read it in tandem with The Perfect Day Formula, and thI really enjoyed the first few chapters of this book. I found it really eye-opening. In fact, I read it in tandem with The Perfect Day Formula, and they’re such complete opposites, I found it even more powerful.
This book happened to cross my path at a time when I had been so perpetually tired and unmotivated for so long, that I had begun to enjoy nothing in my life and hate everything. I finally decided it wasn’t worth it to live this way, despite the hopeless amount of work still left to do. So I took a day off. Then I took another, then another.
I took six days off in all, and I found this book on day 3. It really reinforced what I was experiencing: as I rested, slept, and did a lot of nothing, I was slowly starting to feel better.
The best part for me was the chapter where the author refutes people’s most common arguments about why they in particular are lazy people and that’s bad. The three main reasons people give as unimpeachable arguments for this point are: being depressed, procrastinating, and not caring about what they’re supposed to care about and thus not being able to be motivated.
For depressed people, there’s a whole passage about how exhausting it is to be depressed and how it makes perfect sense for depressed people to barely make it through the day sometimes. I related so much to this chapter, and the compassion here had me in tears.
For procrastinators, there’s the realization that most procrastination comes from fear of not doing/being good enough and/or lack of clarity on how to start or how to do the task. Again, it’s not evil. If anything, the problem is caring too much and being too much of a perfectionist.
And for people who can’t care about whatever they’re supposed to care about, that’s on their leaders. If a teacher or boss or whoever is assigning the task hasn’t communicated the purpose or importance of it, you’re not evil for not caring. That’s just normal.
I found all of this really useful. I gained some insights I hadn’t had before, and I felt such relief. I unlocked new levels of compassion for myself, and I’ll definitely be taking more breaks and resting before the point of exhaustion from now on.
The later chapters, on the other hand, felt like they dragged on way too long. They covered more specific situations, such as setting boundaries in relationships that feel shitty, limiting our consumption of news and social media, and keeping our activism to healthy levels rather than killing ourselves trying to solve problems like racism or global warming single-handedly.
The conclusion focuses on applying compassion to ourselves and others when they/we could be perceived as lazy. The author points out that there’s almost always some reason that makes the behavior totally understandable if we know it. So why not give people the benefit of the doubt and/or ask what’s going on with them?
All in all, this was a good book, but if I was truly taking excellent care of myself, I probably would have stopped reading after chapter four. Some weird achievement drive compelled me to finish it even though I wasn’t enjoying it anymore. How meta....more
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