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? Choosing Happy ?
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Jingle ?áê
(last edited May 31, 2020 05:27AM)
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Feb 17, 2020 04:48AM
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Moon River
Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way
Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me
27 February 2020How did the time fly ±õ¡¯³¾ on my way to an interview for my first potential job
7 March 2020
Time has flown even further and ±õ¡¯³¾ gonna be teaching at Stars if all goes well with my teaching demo. And ±õ¡¯³¾ ending my intern journey next week, can you believe it? I don't think I've processed that ±õ¡¯³¾ about to embark on a new chapter of my life.
Working at Stars was a daydream I would indulge in when I was stressed or hurting, because it reminded me of how happy I'd been there. But now that I'm about to live that dream, I'm more scared and unsure than ever. I thought I¡¯d know what I want to achieve by now, but have I ever? ±õ¡¯³¾ starting to realise everyone kinda figures things out as they go.
(view spoiler)
ahh to be audrey hepburn singing moon river
princess maggie wrote: "ahh to be audrey hepburn singing moon river"Isn't that the dream xD
Tracy Mc Milan:¡°There¡¯s this saying that goes, "You ask for patience, and what you get is a line at the bank." Life does not give you what you¡¯ve asked for - it gives you the people, places and situations that allow you to develop what you asked for. And the thing is, if you don¡¯t get it right the first time life will give it to you again.¡±
(view spoiler)
20 March 2020?¡ªTake that extreme ball ride ?
When I was a child, I remember the glee I felt watching the ball-like structure swing/catapult in the air, the screams of riders echoing through the streets as passersby stared. I was too young, but I imagined the feeling must come close to flying.
Well, it kinda does. Strapped into the ride next to my cousins, butterflies in my gut, they asked who would press the button that would release us upon being strung up high in the air. Upon reading my cousins expressions, I volunteered in fake bravado. Next I knew, we were hoisted so high that the passersby that stopped to video us looked like ants. We were angled downwards, so that you'd need to look up in order not to face the dark waters of Singapore River directly. Around us was what seemed like endless city lights, and one cousin read out the names of bank buildings that towered in her nervousness. "I'm going to press it in 3, 2 - wait what did you say? Okay I'm gonna press it in 3, 2, 1 -"
And then we were swinging down and screaming at the top of our lungs, and laughing until the ride ended all too soon. We wandered the city till midnight, taking photos at Cavenegh Bridge, the Merlion, Esplanade... and it reminded me again how pretty the little place I lived in could be. And how idle chatter with people you loved could make a quiet night lively, and how I hoped I'd never forget this moment.
25 March 2020
My internship has ended and I've been trying to reboot my life and recharge before I start working again. I'm rather confused because although I enjoyed my internship, being around the teachers left me in a constant state of anxiety and helplessness. While the staff were no doubt nice and the most skilled I had observed, they were difficult to get close to and often spoke in a language I didn't understand. I think I worried so much about talking that I became even more awkward, and it was an external locus of control that spiralled.
Some days I'd go home in tears not because of the kids, but the frustration I felt because why couldn't I socialise like a normal person? And on my last day, none of my class teachers said goodbye (which says a lot about our relationship, considering how much they cared about the last batch of interns leaving). But I truly enjoyed interning in that centre and it taught me many lessons about respect, communication and reflection as a teacher. I tried to convey my thankfulness through my handmade gifts, and I'm just trying to accept that sometimes things won't go the way you want, but that's okay. With my next journey, I'll remain hopeful that things are better and take this time to re-charge.
Life Updates Amidst A Global Pandemic
Where I live, WHO praised us for handling the situation well. But that's changed pretty quickly and we are currently doing what they call a ¡°circuit breaker¡± until May ¨C in short, everyone working from home and having to stay in unless getting food/groceries/exercise. The cases reported daily have been rising and I think this ¡°temporary¡± circuit breaker is either going to extend or repeat itself.
I was hired at Stars to teach the playgroup class, and spent exactly 7 days there before schools closed. The teachers joke that I really chose the ¡°best¡± time to join because we're now swamped with writing curriculum, calling up parents, conducting live lessons (which is harder than you think considering my kids aren't yet 2 y/o), and going back to work on rotation (preschools are still accepting kids whose parents are essential workers + have no other childcare arrangements). COVID-19 aside, I'm also stressed (and low key pissed) because I realise the previous English teacher didn't really follow the children's syllabus, purposefully plan their classroom environment, enforce classroom routines - I can go on.
Do I regret my decision in getting a job at this time? I may rant, but I wouldn't change it if given the chance. I'm choosing to take on the mindset that this is a chance for me to learn and contribute to the world in some way. Because of this pandemic, I have been forced to communicate closely with staff and parents, building rapport. Because of this pandemic, I have become resourceful in finding alternatives to teach. Because of this pandemic, I have become more grateful for the resources we had and for the people around me. Besides, is it not flipping cool that I'm in charge of my own class now? That I'm finally in a position to teach and nurture? All this must be worth it.
I Can...
?¡ªTake ownership over my wardrobe and style ?
?¡ªWear a crop top ?
You ever feel that sudden urge to Marie Kondo your house and completely revamp yourself or something? Yeah, one of those hit me and boy, I did not expect clearing my room and closet to feel so good. There were so many things I realised I never used, clothes I never wore or liked... It reminded me of how shopping for clothes used to stress me out so much. How I hated how I looked no matter what I wore and just aimed to be inconspicuous. It was kind of a "Oh shit, I'm healing" moment when I realised I was actually excited to figure out a clothing style that made me happy. My closet still needs work (view spoiler) but it's progress!
20 April 2020
Me: I'm going to try using the ukulele for tomorrow, they seemed to like it during my lesson
Parent: Yeah, we have a chart with pictures of occupations. He's been pointing to the singer (girl with guitar) and saying 'Teacher Jingle'
^ By far, the best part of my day and the confidence booster I needed to conduct my first lesson tomorrow
cruel summer
hang your head low in the glow of the vending machine
i'm not dying
we say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times
we're not trying
so cut the headlights, summer's a knife
i'm always waiting for you just to cut to the bone
devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes
and if I bleed you'll be the last to know
Have you ever gotten so emotional about a character that you were writing that you cried bc WHY AM I CRYING
The Pain Eater:"I've given you back your souls, and I'm giving you back your pain. Because souls and pain go together, Sure, there's happiness too. But if you're alive you're going to feel pain... You can't give away your pain, not really. What's yours is yours - that's just the way it is."
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19 May 2020I love how when I conduct my lessons for the tots through Zoom all the parents (mothers and fathers alike) are doing actions to nursery rhymes or pretending to be ducks and essentially throwing any sense of dignity out the window with me (view spoiler) instead of just watching the teachers try to engage their kids. Like, this here is what I call teamwork and I'm so, so thankful.
Also I made vegetable soup with the kids today and I was a chaotic mess, what with spilling soup and being super goofy by adding soup stock and stuff fast/slow and a parent freaking laughed at me (not in a bad way). And it made me want to laugh with her because what a mess this period has been for all of us. But if I can make even the parents laugh during my lesson, I feel like I'm doing my part.
22 May 2020"And so he's been asking to sing Wheels on Whatever Vehicle he can think of, and he asked for 'the doors on the airplane go open and shut' but I said no, everyone will die!"
"I think he's got some misconceptions because I'll see him stoning and then suddenly he's singing ABC and you'll see his fingers going down " (what we do to show counting)
"At home he can show me all the actions of the song but I don't know why, maybe you hypnotise him with your ukulele or something so he just stares"
This mum (and kid) is so iconic I cannot
Going to take the COVID test swab tmr and high key nervous
27 May 2020It's raining heavily and there's thunder so that means it's a good day even though I'm currently still stuck solving two week's worth of horrible lessons the teachers sent me and it's 12 am and I have full day courses for the next 3 days and definitely will not be sleeping tonight if not tomorrow
(view spoiler)
A motto:I will teach you in a room
I will teach you here on Zoom
I will teach you in a house
I will teach you with my mouse
I will teach you here or there
I will teach because I care.
7 June 2020Me again, casually freaking out for the hundredth time about:
1. How music therapy is not well recognised where I live = job security up in the air
2. Requires overseas studies, usually Masters = large sum of money when I'm refusing to take anything but a small loan from my family
3. Is a very specialised skillset = would not be able to apply in much settings apart from the MT industry
So why am I trying to pursue this again?? Am I crazy? It scares me so much that when I think about my career end goal because none of the "safe" options feel like the answer. I don't see myself as a school principal or curriculum specialist - I work for the interactions I get with kids and while I have managed teams I certainly don't enjoy it. I don't see myself as a teacher/music teacher long term; I'm interested in psychology as much as early childhood and frankly the salary won't pay the bills. Early intervention is my second choice (except the salary situation would be the same). Speech, occupational and physical therapy frankly don't interest me enough. I've been researching all these jobs but music therapy seems like the dream - to be able to use my passion in music to help others develop? To use psychology and early childhood to plan and implement therapy? It's literally all I could ask for in a job yet it is so, so hard to pursue :(
I'm telling myself that in the time that I'm working, I'll do my very best to find out if such a job would even be possible for me to pursue while continuing to learn about different pathways. Somehow, I'll figure it out.
22 June 2020Last Friday I had my newest kid (pseudonym Skye for favourite Paw Patrol character) was crying her head off (as expected). I had just finished my numeracy lesson (matching identical objects to each other) so I had buckets of spoons, cups and bowls with me and a kid to placate. And so I:
- Started singing "I have a bowl/spoon/cup, I keep the bowl/spoon/cup, look at the bucket, it's all the same" while repeatedly taking out and keeping the cutlery like an absolute lunatic
- Pretended each cup/bowl had a different dish and dramatically eating thin air and asking "Do you want a bite? No? That's okay!" and singing again
- Pretended to draw Paw Patrol designs on the cup like the cartoon characters on Skye's water bottle
- Used a cup as a fire engine, pointed to the white wall and acted out an entire fire rescue scene similar to Paw Patrol
And throughout the whole thing it must have been because I was acting too much like a maniac to not be stunned, but she watched me with wide eyes and ceased her crying throughout my 20 minute "performance". Suddenly she walked to the family picture wall, pointed to her family's picture and told me calmly, "Mummy come back. Daddy Come back."
"Yes, Mummy and Daddy will come back."
And then we had a conversation about her family and her new classmates' family. I don't have much a reason for writing this except that I don't want to forget how unbelievable this moment was (never thought I'd be making up songs about cutlery ever, full stop) and how accomplished I felt when after doing all that crazy shit it felt like a barrier had been broken and it was the longest she had interacted with anyone all week.
4 July 2020
Yesterday was just unreal
10 July 2020My colleague from the past just shared her journey with mental illness on social media and ±õ¡¯³¾ just so proud of how candid she is and how she¡¯s assuring others that mental illness is not a flaw. She asked me once if I had the same diagnosis as her and I hadn¡¯t been able to give her a straight answer - even though I¡¯d never judge a person for their struggles I had felt mine were - and still are - a shameful part of me. One more year and I¡¯ll seek the help I promised myself. But for now, ±õ¡¯³¾ thankful that the voice in my head soothes me instead of torments. ±õ¡¯³¾ thankful that my coping mechanisms seek to help me grow rather than hurt. When I look back I now feel a sense of pride when I think about how far I¡¯ve come and learnt to care for myself too.
Bless This Mess(aka reminding myself to embrace this process and celebrate how far I've come and how much more I can achieve)
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?¡ªAcclimate new children (
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?¡ªPlan assessments (
?¡ªCarry out assessments (
?¡ªPlan assigned school events (I, II, III)
Yes, your desk has been a mess for weeks. Yes, you've walked home in tears multiple times. Yes, you've not been able to relax for months dealing with the backlog of work. But you've achieved this much already when you thought it'd be impossible. Things are looking up even if you don¡¯t see it right now.
(last update: 20 sept 2020)
23 August 2020Flowers drawn against the transparent door in the bathroom, hurried but determined. When the condensation drips and begins to merge I write in my messy cursive: Growing.
Hypothetical shifted perspective:A.'s parents: See a pretty girl next door
A.'s parent #1: Hey she looks about A.'s age
A.'s parent #2: Maybe her and A. would get along
A.: uh ok
@Lexa Now drag this out ten years or so and voila! :')
13 September 2020So guess who's getting swab tested (again)? :')
Long story short, my co-teacher and I got sore throats (hers is worse with while mine feels mild) and got prescribed to be swabbed and stay home for 5 days mandatorily. And right now I'm so worried and guilty I just hope everything with the test results go well
15 September 2020We're all hoping that my centre has a normal flu virus outbreak because the hit list is currently at 5 teachers and 4 students (from my class). The symptoms have been ranging from runny nose to fever and sore throats and the centre's engaged vendors to disinfect the whole school because of it. For me, my sore throat and giddiness went down... but I think a fever's coming and my nose won't stop running ;_;
Edit: Just got my swab results and I'm negative!! It's just a bad flu virus (thank goodness)
easy
you really, really know me
the future and the old me
all of the mazes and the madness in my mind
you really, really love me
you know me and you love me
and it's the kind of thing I always hoped I'd find
always thought I was hard to love
'til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy
always thought I was hard to love
'til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy
touch me 'til I find myself, in a feeling
tell me with your hands that you're never leaving
always thought I was hard to love
'til you made it seem so easy, seem so easy
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Cruel Beauty (other topics)Arrowheart (other topics)
The Name on Your Wrist (other topics)
Anna and the Swallow Man (other topics)
If I Stay (other topics)
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