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First of all let me apologize, once again, for using the terribly insensitive and hurtful phrase:Ìý Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.

Although I said it to a group of friends at a private dinner party, Alexa reported it and it quickly went viral, and sparked not only Twitter outrage, Instagram Outrage, Snapchat Outrage, WhatsAppWooHooWitchyWoman Outrage, but also MySpace came back from the dead to be a platform for yet more outrage.

I have apologized over and over, but the triggered witches are clapping back.Ìý Gradually I have learned that in this day and age it is crucial not only to be sorry, but to not be forgiven.

I’ve lost many comedy gigs over this, which is curious because I am not a comedian.

The witches â€� which, by the way, is a hurtful term that rises from years of oppression and misunderstanding while being stereotypical of gender roles (Persons of Broom, they would like to be called) have stood strong and made their voices heard and sent me many colorful death threats â€� among them, shoving me in an oven if they ever catch me following the cake crumbs to their house.Ìý They also found a photo of me with a crow on my shoulder in 1993, which is clearly appropriating their culture.

Yahoo’s article:Ìý “OMG Kathy Hepinstall Triggered the Persons of Broom and Um, They Aren’t Having It,â€� really made me stop and think.Ìý As did the massive brass bra burning, which was more of a melting.

I don’t want to add fuel to the fire � and by that I am not making light of the fact that Persons of Broom used to be burned at the stake � but once again, I want to say I’m sorry, just to give the Persons of Broom one more chance to tell me my apology means less to them than an out-of-season toadstool.

I would also like to add that the whole black cat trope is insensitive and comes from my entitled perspective as a person who does not have to cast spells to get ahead in this world, and that Persons of Broom also own other feline varieties, including Tabby, Burmese, and Scottish Fold.

The rain forests are burning, the birds are dropping from the sky, our safety net is as strong as a web knit by a deranged, pesticide-addled spider, and 1.8 billion people don’t have access to sanitation.

But all this pales in comparison to my comment.Ìý And I don’t mean to imply that witches are pale, or have warts or beady eyes.

And although the worst sex I ever had was with a witch, I want it known that there are millions of witches out there who are not only sexually competent but masters of the sensual arts.

So please, accept my new, woke phrase:Ìý Colder than the cold hearts of those who say insensitive things at private dinner parties and should be shot.

And please stop throwing pointy shoes at me.

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