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Looking back on my career managing a number of quite different non-profits, I can point with pride to the accomplishments and successes of which I was part. I shy away from saying my accomplishments because virtually all that took place was done by teams of dedicated people most often held together by the desire to create change in our world. But this is not an essay about teambuilding, but rather about gaslighting.

I have been gaslit in three jobs where I was as the Executive Director (ED) reporting to a board of directors, and in one case, as a Deputy Director reporting to the ED. I will also say upfront that in each of these cases, I managed an escape plan that left me financially and reputationally sound.  But seven years after the last of these jobs, the emotional damage still haunted me…nightmares brought up old wounds, feelings of shame, and the sense that the good front I put on about my career was a lie. And, of course, the question that all gaslit people ask, what did I do wrong? When that happens four times in distinct situations and types of organizations, the commonality is me, so why did I continuously walk into these situations?

�The question that all gaslit people ask, what did I do wrong?�

Gaslighting occurs when those in authority use their power to make another question their own version of reality. So can an ED who theoretically has the highest authority be gaslit? Power is the operative word here. In all organizations, power exists based on position, expertise, ability to reward, moral authority, intimidation and information control. All of these can be involved as a means to gaslighting. In non-profits, one of the most important powers is the ability to control information. Even the lowest position in a hierarchy has information which they alone control. Oftentimes sharing such information is giving up the little power a person has, so it is done sparingly. And in many organizations, the most common form of information control is gossip, not only what people share, but in the ways gossip is shared and who shares information with whom.

I specialized in turnarounds, where significant financial and personal problems threatened the organization´s continuation despite the good cause they were pursuing. A common theme often was founder´s syndrome and EDs that shaped the organization around their personal charisma and power. I was hired for these jobs because I exhibited a confidence in my ability to listen and problem solve, characteristics these groups were yearning for. With a traumatized staff and board, an important part of my job was to reassure people that change could happen and that through our mutual commitment we could do that together.

I must admit that I was attracted to the challenge and the requirements of being involved in all parts of the organization simultaneously. The learning curve was steep, as I urgently needed to get a grasp on the level of the problems, which were always much deeper and messier than anyone knew. Opaque financial systems covering up losses, partners who had lost trust, foundations and government funders threatening to take back funds, underpaid staff that were owed wages, non-existent HR procedures, computer systems teetering on collapse were all part of the picture. I had an ability to prioritize, problem solve and build new systems, while listening and supporting the needs of staff and the people we were serving.

From day 1, I would emphasize and demonstrate listening and consensus building. I acknowledged and rewarded my direct reports and gave them leeway to manage their staff. My door was literally always open to signify that unlike their predecessors, I had nothing to hide and anyone could walk in to talk to me at any time. I made sure that personnel decisions were done in confidentiality. I tried to have friendly and professional relationships with all board members.

My blind spot, however, was the lasting effects of trauma and mistrust.

As the new leader, I was always trying to find out the information I needed about the past, about our relationships with others and our programs. Despite an openness and acknowledgement of each individual´s contributions, I could never break this information power barrier. Board and staff held on to information like their life depended on it, which unconsciously for many was exactly how they felt.

�But they had learned that trust itself was untrustworthy.�

I knew most people had been traumatized by their last leader, so I could understand their mistrust in me despite my efforts to gain trust. But they had learned that trust itself was untrustworthy. This message was repeated over and over during my tenure.

My experiences in organizational transformation taught me that culture change does not come easy. Team building workshops, ropes courses, developing organizational aspirations and charters about how we want to work and respect each other, bringing in specialized consultants, providing outside personal coaches to key staff members, and even our courses on trauma-informed care, did little to change our culture. In trying to refocus on the positive aspects of work lives, I never dared to delve deeply into the way personal and organization trauma affected us all. Ultimately, I was set up to fail and to be blamed.

Trauma was deeply embedded in the boards as well. In retrospect, I should have required the boards that hired me to have a plan for their own rapid turnover. Many members were recruited by the family and friend networks of the previous management with little regard for competencies and skills. None of them fully acknowledged their own lack of oversight and management of my predecessors. I was often shocked about how completely disconnected with the organization they were. Despite new leadership, they still acted in the old ways.

A traumatized board cannot be relied on to renew themselves and govern appropriately. In the three cases where the board managed me as the ED, none had term limits or would consider them, few had any management experience, and most had no clear understanding of the programs and goals of the organization despite any number of reports that I produced and discussions we had. And even when new board members were recruited, they either fell into the behaviors of the old board or quit as they realized the futility of expecting a professional board environment.

I expected to be judged on my accomplishments and was very clear with the board in getting their approval for my and the organization’s yearly goals and objectives and for an annual review process. Yet despite monthly detailed reports both written and oral, certain members complained that the did not know enough. Individual meetings with them, program tours and meeting program participants did little to change this.

It is quite usual for the leaders of turnarounds to leave once the organization is stabilized and headed in a better future. I accepted that reality and even went into the last job with the clear intention that I would be there for a stated period of time. However, I had imagined a successful turnover of leadership following the best management principles. But instead, I was gaslit, the organizations stumbled (and one of the four went under) and there is no indication that anything changed for the new leadership.

And as I said in the beginning of this essay, I rarely talked about my accomplishments, even with the board. I never liked hearing my nonprofit leadership colleagues brag about what they did as if they were the only ones in their organization. Almost always, I talked about what we as a team had accomplished and made the false assumption that the board and organization would understand my role in making things happen.

This was part of my downfall. Unscrupulous and traumatized staff and board members would complain that they did not know what I did. My reaction was frustration that they couldn´t make the connection with my leadership and the achievements of the organization. This is classic gaslighting.

Gaslighting can only occur when the organizational culture nurtures it. When the avoidance of responsibility and blame is a norm, it grows. When certain people are protected over others, when all voices are not heard equitably, when teams are set against each other, gaslighting is sure to occur at all levels.

In the end, gaslighting by the Board made it my problem that they did not understand me or the organization. In one case, despite the clear homophobia of one board member, the board reacted to the board member’s concerns, not to their legal responsibilities or my own achievements. Ironically, as I was being publicly honored by our major partner and funder, the board was plotting my removal. In a second case, a board co-chair met secretly with a staff member and promised them my job, while in guise of board oversight met with me about vague and unspoken issues that I was to fix. The hurt I felt deepened when almost none of the other board members chose to talk to me about what was going on.

It is this hurt that lingered. The purpose of this essay is to open this door about the abuse of people at any level in a hierarchy that are entrusted to do good. Despite my meditation practice, therapy and specialized workshops, I continued to carry this trauma with me. Writing this essay helped to spur an acknowledgment of the hurt and the gaslighting I experienced. And then I had a remarkable dream that helped my healing take a new step.

�I see you.� These simple three words touched me deeply in a way that I never imagined possible.�

In the dream, I entered a room filled with a number of former staff, who were the most abusive and secretive in their gaslighting. They began to apologize to me. I resisted their apologies as our current world is rife with unapologetic apologies. And more importantly, I had learned not to trust them and was angry.

Then, one of the ringleaders said, “I see you.�

“You see me, what?� I snapped.

“I see how you really are, how hard you are trying to get us to change. I see what you are doing for us.�  

I was unmoved. “If you see me, why were you so awful towards me? Your behavior was despicable and hateful. You don’t have any idea of the harm you caused me.�

“I do know. At the time, I was too deep in my own hurt and mistrust from what happened before you got here. But even so, I am now telling you honestly, that I always saw what you were doing. I see you and I am sorry for what I did, for what we did. I see the good in you I could never acknowledge when you were here. I see what you have accomplished and know without you, none of those things would have happened.�

“I see you.� These simple three words touched me deeply in a way that I never imagined possible and sent a shiver down my spine. For the very first time my work and efforts were acknowledged by the perpetrators that harmed me. I never really realized how much I needed to hear them to own their harm. But most importantly, I felt unequivocable pride in my previously unsung accomplishments. Being seen was the missing element in my healing.   Even though it was a dream, I woke up feeling the traumatic past loosening its grip on me.

This experience made me wonder, do I see others? In the next weeks, I experimented using those words “I see you� with friends and acquaintances that were suffering. And in each case, I saw an immediate change, as people’s eyes lit up and their words softened. “I see you� as an individual. I see and acknowledge your struggles. I see that you are more than your struggles or accomplishments.

“I see you� is simple to say. Try it out in conversation with someone you trust first to get the hang of it. Follow up with an acknowledgement of what you see in them. With one friend, I saw how hard he was trying to overcome his past. Talking to another, I saw her emotional pain and the difficulty she had to live with it. I did not offer a fix for their problems, as I did not have one. All I needed to do was to listen to what opened up for them.

I hear some of you saying all of this is too simplistic for a complicated issue like gaslighting. Perhaps that is true. By the time that gaslighting is happening and the relationships have been set in motion, it may be too late to respond in any way other than a protective mode. I do wonder what would have happened if “I see you� was in my toolkit when I was working in these turnarounds.

Seeing someone, seeing their humanity is a way to put empathy into tangible action, something we all can do. It does not negate the past, but seeing a person and their humanness models better behavior and makes it harder for all parties to objectify and demonize each other. Recognizing that humans are imperfect, allows one to see how the past, present and even future have seeds of potential that can be nurtured. With this perspective, trust can be created. While it is a long road to travel, seeing a person, just might be a way to cut off pernicious behaviors like gaslighting from taking hold in organizations.