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Joe's Reviews > Twilight
Twilight (The Twilight Saga, #1)
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Save your time: here's the entirety of Twilight in 20 dialogue snippets & a wiggedy-wack intermission.
First 200 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You shouldn't! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm dangerous!"
Next 50 pages:
"I'm a vampire!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm a vampire! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
Next 100 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You smell good, Bella. I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"Damn, you smell good."
"I like you, Edward!"
"Also, I glow in sunlight."
Next 50 pages:
A. VAMPIRE. BASEBALL. GAME.
(I wish I was kidding)
Last 100 pages:
"Help me, Edward! I'm being chased!"
"I'll save you!"
"Help me, Edward! I'm scared!"
"I'll save you!"
"Oh, Edward!"
"You smell good."
(One half star for lack of quality, and one half star for being unintentionally hilarious... especially page 314.)
First 200 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You shouldn't! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm dangerous!"
Next 50 pages:
"I'm a vampire!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"But I'm a vampire! I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
Next 100 pages:
"I like you, Edward!"
"You smell good, Bella. I'm dangerous!"
"I like you, Edward!"
"Damn, you smell good."
"I like you, Edward!"
"Also, I glow in sunlight."
Next 50 pages:
A. VAMPIRE. BASEBALL. GAME.
(I wish I was kidding)
Last 100 pages:
"Help me, Edward! I'm being chased!"
"I'll save you!"
"Help me, Edward! I'm scared!"
"I'll save you!"
"Oh, Edward!"
"You smell good."
(One half star for lack of quality, and one half star for being unintentionally hilarious... especially page 314.)
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Reading Progress
January 15, 2008
– Shelved
Started Reading
January 29, 2008
– Shelved as:
grad-school-young-adult-lit
January 29, 2008
–
Finished Reading
November 17, 2008
– Shelved as:
young-adult
November 6, 2017
– Shelved as:
romance
November 6, 2017
– Shelved as:
horror
Comments Showing 1-50 of 913 (913 new)
message 1:
by
Gregory
(new)
-
rated it 1 star
Jul 24, 2008 08:57AM
I have not read "Twilight" and I have no plans to do so, so it came as quite a relief to see all of my suspicions realized in this amusing review. A vampire baseball game? Sounds hysterical, but I think I'll pass ...
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OMG... I thought I was going to pee my pants after you did your Twilight rendition... horrible piece of drivel... how/why could anyone our age really like this book?
So my sister forgot her copy of Twilight when she went back home this week and on my day off yesterday I found it staring at me. Next thing I knew I was halfway through and horrified by how awful the book is. Also, very amused at how spot-on your abridgement turned out to be.I may finish it just because I left off right before the baseball game (!), but my goodness, what a terrible piece of trite filth this book is. Unintentionally amusing doesn't even begin to cover it ...
You nailed it! The only thing you forgot to mention was Bella's internal conversation throughout the entire book: "Oh my... he is so handsome! He'll dump me when he'll finally look at himself at the mirror."
That is so true. The best review of "Twilight."
even though Im madly in love with Twilight, I found this review most halerious. I mean I started reading this and started cracking up, its true, but I love the book anyways :)
I really do like this book...But man, this made me really crack up...it is all so true!!
Awwwh..c'mon, what happens on page 314?
Terence wrote: "Awwwh..c'mon, what happens on page 314?"Yes, those of us who have no intention of reading the book now need to know.
Yes, do please tell us what happens on page 314? :D
A vampire baseball game, you say? That's rather odd. I really, really don't understand the appeal of these books. Total Trash, methinks. (Sonic Youth reference intentional.)
HAHAHAH hilarious! I like the book too but danm that was pretty funny!
Thanks for the heads up, Joe. I was tempted to read Twilight to find out what all the hype was about. I decided to pass after reading your comment. I guess this is why it is catagorized as a YOUNG adult book.I am humbled when I think back on all the "masterpieces" I read as a teen. I guess books like Twilight are a rite of passage for some. Live and learn!
Although I am an absolute fan of the Twilight series...I found this comment hilarious! And, even though it is dead-on in it's most poetic prose... I will continue to obsess over this love story in it's most simplistic form.
You are an amazing person. HAHAH. BEST. REVIEW. EVER. XD
Alright, I'll give it to you, that is hilarious when you look at it that way. But I loved the book!
Ah ah, so true. That about sums it up. And now I have to go read page 314, because I don't remember what happened there although I'm sure I made it that far, at least the first time I tried to read Twilight. O___O I must have been so very bored by then I wasn't absorving anything. :p
I was shopping at Target and cracked open a copy of Twilight...I still don't know what happened on page 314.
very trueeven if i loved the book, still love the review XD
Though I have to admit I liked the book anyway, it is true. This really made me laugh. Thanks. :) 
I'm actually reading this book right now (and plan to read the others), but you are so completely spot on. The writing is pretty bad as is Bella's annoying "Oooh, look at Edward being dreamy again" internal dialogue, but I find the story entertaining. As is your review, good sir. :) Thanks for making me laugh.
Hahahah! Even if I liked this book (which I don't) I would still think this was hilarious! Good job.
What's even better with this book review is that it also applies to the movie version as well!
I am only about 300 pages in, but I can already tell you have nailed it. Most over-rated book ever.
I've never finished the book and I won't, unless someone pays me 1000 $. Twilight is crappy, I wonder why there are people galore who like it so much. Your review makes me want to pee in my pants, 'tis really funny. And yeah, you got that right. You're amazingly brilliant!
HA HA HA!!!! I just left my review and saw yours..how effing PERFECT!! I should've just sent a link saying "See Joe's review..that about sums up my thought on this stupid book!" You ROCK!!
HA HA HA!!!! I just left my review and saw yours..how effing PERFECT!! I should've just sent a link saying "See Joe's review..that about sums up my thought on this stupid book!" You ROCK!!
:D Thank you! I haven't read a more accurate summary - I tried, and my mind REFUSED to go back to the literary darkness that WAS Twilight. Just no. :) I am in complete agreement with this review. It actually made me feel a bit silly for mine! I ranted! I rant about good books! Why did I spend that much time bashing it, when ALL I needed to write was "WOW. It was CRAP." with a link to your review!
I agree I could only read half way through the book and I jumped out of my seated and laghfed my head off cuz it was just so cheesy
Even though that about sums it up, I still have to read the rest of the series. I am so interested in these characters. I suppose that is part of my eagerness to continue reading - they could use a bit more depth and I keep waiting for that to happen. Loved your review, couldn't help but laugh. :)
LOL My thoughts exactly. And what bugs me most is that all of my friends in school are head over heels in love with it. And I quote; "It's the best book I've ever read."
*sigh*
LOL! Dumbest book I ever almost finished. I got to the last 10 pgs and just put it down. I'd wasted way too much time on it already. I guess I should have read your synopsis first and saved myself a lot of time and anguish.
I hate this book...and the way u summarized it...exactly why i hate it! :) nice work
Hilarious bc it's so true! I enjoy corny dialogues. hahaha
OMG. Hilarious. Your review is perfect. Exactly how I feel. I am currently reading this book. I am 26 going on 27, my 31 year old sister has read the whole series and told me I HAD to read it. She absolutely loves it. Her being my sister, I took her advice. I have been trying to read this book since early November. I have only made it to page 305. I have a feeling the vampire baseball game is next. I am so glad you gave me a heads up, because I really don't think it is worth my time to finish reading this book.
my friends convinced me to read it...didn't like it. same reason as u! took me mUCH more than one night to finish (like most ppl)
i know what you mean..
someone needs to tell the people who don't plan on reading this book what happens on page 314. we're curious, but not curious enough to read it. :) awesome review!
Jenny wrote: "someone needs to tell the people who don't plan on reading this book what happens on page 314. we're curious, but not curious enough to read it. :) awesome review! "It's probably funnier in the context of the book, but here goes:
(Edward has sneaked into Bella's room in the middle of the night and has been watching her sleep - a situation that already creates a bit of absurdity. Bella, ostensibly, has been talking in her sleep.)
"You were very deeply asleep; I didn't miss anything." His eyes gleamed. "The talking came earlier.
I groaned. "What did you hear?"
His gold eyes grew very soft. "You said you loved me."
"You knew that already," I reminded him, ducking my head.
"It was nice to hear, just the same."
I hid my face against his shoulder.
"I love you," I whispered.
"You are my life now," he answered simply.
In the context of the book, this is hilarious because they've only "been together" for about 2 or 3 weeks. Also, what 101-year-old-pretending-to-be-17 would say, "You are my life now"? C'mon.
Haha, so true! You forgot one motif:Bella: "Oh no, someone's attacking!"
(Makes a pathetic attempt to help herself)
Bella! "If only someone would save me..."
(Edward saves Bella for the 400th time)
THAT would be what drove me nuts.
Joe wrote: "Jenny wrote: "someone needs to tell the people who don't plan on reading this book what happens on page 314. we're curious, but not curious enough to read it. :) awesome review! "It's probably fu..."
Hahahahaha
That is really funny
OMG ROTFLMAO XDDDDD That's stinking hilarious. and startlingly accurate... heh xD lost a star on my part just coz it was repetative like that.
an amazing review xD so perceptive xD LOL
Even though I gave this book 4 stars (apparently my inner child is a 16 year old in love with love), your review was RIGHT ON. Hilarious!
