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This parenthesis thing has gotten out of control.  They've somehow reached the blog titles...

So, I love bad ass women doing bad ass things in bad ass movies. That's a nice sentence right there. My favorite all time bad ass woman in a movie is Sigourney Weaver in . One of the best action flicks ever.  She tapes a goddamn flamethrower to a goddamn machine gun, with a goddamn grenade launcher attached. Then she shoots Aliens in the face. Then she jumps in a MechWarrior type contraption, and the bad assery continues.

I could add several others in here like Linda Hamilton in , Milla Jovovich in the , Uma Thurman in , Carrie-Ann Moss in , yada yada.  Lots of good examples.  Yup, I love ass kicking women.

What made me think of this was the movie .  I watched it again recently, and found that I just can't get past Angelina Jolie's turn as a superhuman special agent.  She is so skinny in this, that I just wanted to give her a sandwich.  It looks like she's starving to death.  There is a scene where she is running through the streets, and it's painfully obvious that she is struggling to do so.  Man I hate that.  She's proven that she can carry an action movie, so it was disappointing watching that.

If you're going to star in an action film, go to the gym and eat some freakin' food.  Anyway, I don't want this post to turn into me shitting on skinny actresses, so I'll stop here.

What is your favorite female action hero?

has broken out some mad genius and is conning allowing her fans to design her book covers for her next series, Apocalypsis, for free.  That's goddamn brilliant.  Being the helpful and supportive person that I am, I submitted this cover to her.

You can't tell me that if you saw this book sitting on the shelf at Barnes & Noble that you wouldn't buy it immediately.  What is the book about?  With a cover like that, does it matter?

For some reason that I can't understand, she doesn't seem entirely receptive of it.  So, I need everyone to in support of THE GREATEST COVER OF ALL TIME.  I'm a big supporter of peer pressure, so lay it on thick.

Or I'll go America all over your ass.

Less than a year ago I held a promising career as a contractor for the Department of Defense.  I wasn't making go-to-hell money, but it was certainly enough to pay all of the bills, plus quite a bit more.  The problem was that I hated it.  Every second of it.  Everyone I worked with.  The government was literally sucking the life out of me.

I gained weight. I slept and drank a lot.  It was a bad time in my life.  I came to a point where I couldn't take the stupidity, lethargy, and immorality of those I dealt with.  A job that I once found important and satisfying, now rang of self-indulgence and corruption.  When the facility I worked in relocated, I used that as my opportunity to leave.

Deciding to start my own business, I went into computer repair and home theater installations.  Hated that too. People seriously chap my ass.  Then in December I decided to write books.  It's as stupid as it sounds.  I went to college for Film and Television.  A degree in that field required an internship, which I had lined up in L.A.

Then I met a girl - The Tall One.  In a move that I would classify as stupid if any of my friends did it, I eschewed it all to stay back East for a chance with The Tall One.  It was the best thing I ever did.  Though I changed careers, and went into a field I hated, The Tall One made it all worthwhile.

When I told her that I wanted to write books, as it was closer to my original goal of working in the film industry, she didn't even blink.  I had never even written a paragraph of fiction in my entire life.  No songs, poems, screenplays, flash fiction - nothing.  Literally nothing. Yet when I informed The Tall One of my third career path in six months, she did as she always does - back me up completely.

The Tall One works while I sit at home on my ass and make crap up.  She pays the bills.  She takes care of me.  This writing thing could work out.  Or maybe it won't.  The thing I'm most thankful for is that the The Tall One gives me the opportunity to try.

What would happen if you told your significant other, The Short Ones, or the Medium Sized Ones, that you were quitting your job to write novels?

"To the last I grapple with thee; from hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee."
That's right, I just quoted Moby Dick.  Fine... [image error].  I'm a geek, get over it.
Raven.  The bane of my existence.  The German Shepherd next door. The hellhound that haunts my dreams.  Barking, day and night, never giving me a moments rest.  Never allowing me to write.  Why do you hate me?
This freaking dog never, ever, stops barking.  Her owners are retired, so they're home all day, and leave their dog in the backyard A LOT.  Raven barks at other dogs, people, herself, trees, grass, flies, her own piles of crap, ghosts, air, and the baby Jesus.  Do her owners make her stop?  Of course not.  It's much more fun to watch my sanity erode.
She barks.  They tell her to stop.  Bark. "Stop." Bark. Stop. bark. stop. barkstop. barkstop brkstp bksp bp
Looking out the window of my office, I can actually see her looking at my house.  She barked at it as I typed this.  She's watching me.  She's barking at me.

I don't like to read young adult fiction.  Or at least I didn't before I grabbed a copy of by .  You see, I've had to look at this palm tree for two months now, since I released , because it was the number one "also bought" for my book on amazon.  And it was always above my book, selling better, reviewing better - generally kicking my ass at every step.

So I had to find out what the big freakin' deal was with a book about some teenagers trapped on island.  Well, now I know.  Elle Casey can write her ass off.  Like I said, I don't generally like young adult fiction, but the characters of Wrecked had me interested right away.  I was hooked and couldn't stop reading until I knew what would happen to them.  These aren't your typical dumb ass kids - they're intelligent and witty.  Their dialogue had me smiling the entire way through the book.  They were at times smart and funny, then clumsy and embarrassing as teenagers often are.  I even found myself relating to one of the characters, the geeky Jonathon.

Apparently this was her first book.  If that's the case, then I guess I'll just have to get accustomed to riding her coattails.  I've already grabbed the first book in her series , because I want to read more fantastic characters.  You'll probably see me bitching about it's greatness soon.

So in summation:  damn you Elle Casey.  Not only are you kicking my ass in sales, fans, and reviews, but I now have to read your young adult books because they're so entertaining.  It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't so nice.  Shockingly nice, in fact.  Before a few days ago I could at least curse that freakin' palm tree and hope it would fall from grace, but now she's taken that away from me too.  I'm now actively rooting for her success.

Damn you.

 is free for the next three days.  I'm taking it out of Amazon Select, so this will be the last time it ever be free.  Or at least until I decided that iTunes and Barnes and Noble suck, and re-enroll it.  Grab your copy, tell your friends, leave me reviews.

Awesome.  Everyone needs to watch this show.

This is going to be a multi-thronged post (that's right, I have a degree!)  (I'm using parenthesis again) (goddamn it), so bear with me.  I want to rail against dip shits that leave reviews for books that say "it was great, except for the language."  So the book your reading has teenagers having unprotected sex, no problem, but they said a four letter word!  The movie you just watched had a werewolf peeling the flesh from someone's face (that sounds awesome), but the victim swore while he was being eaten alive.  Definitely deserving of a one star review.

I've also seen a review that complained about the "language", but when I checked the other books the reviewer read they were all erotica.  An engorged, throbbing, vein pulsating member, thrusting vigorously into her depths is no problem.  Saying "shit" is a terrible though.  
Congratulations, you're a (goddamn) douche bag.
And now the second throng of this awesome blog - authors thinking they have the responsibility of "protecting the language."
I've seen several authors railing against the use of the word "awesome."  Awesome, is an awesome goddamn word.  Yes, it was used sparingly fifty years ago, but it's commonplace now.  Deal with it.  Someone writing awesome books about zombies eating prostitutes is not a guardian of the English language.  You write fiction, shitty fiction at that, so drop the pretense that you are some kind of savior of the written word.
Someone actually said that we're destroying the foundation that we're attempting to make a living upon.  Or some non-awesome phrase similar to that.  Bitch, please.  I write books about cowboys shooting zombies and people moving shit with their minds.  Bill Shakespeare isn't rolling in his grave when I roll out .  Wait, did me plugging my book ruin the English language?

is maintaining the integrity of writing with his incredible sentence structure and impressive vocabulary.  I want people to say "that book was awesome" when they're done.

Goddamn it.

Things I've done today when I should have been writing:


Twitter and facebook.  I don't even like facebook.Walked the dogs.  Twice.Looked at the clock to see if it was happy hour yet.Watched youtube interviews with UFC fighters.Worked out.  OK, this one isn't too bad, but it still kept me from writing.Rechecked the clock to see if it was happy hour.Watched part of the movie Virus while I lifted weights.  It was worse than I remember. Deleted the movie Virus from our Media Center.Thought about doing laundry.  Didn't do it.Swore at the clock for not being happy hour.Read reviews for the Chernobyl Diaries.  Thought the trailers looked dumb, but I'm a sucker for horror movies.Grabbed some free books for my kindle.  That puts my to read list at about 9 million.Framed a comic book to hang on the wall.  Yeah, I'm surprised I'm married too.Thought about paying bills.  Didn't do that either.Realized it's only an hour until happy hour.Wrote this blog post.

So my wife and I finally got around to watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Yeah, I know, we're eight years behind.  What can I say?  I'm lame.
What the little lady (she's actually six feet tall and could kick my ass) and I like to do with TV shows is to wait until they've either ended, or are several seasons in, and then watch all of them marathon-style.  That's what we're doing with IASIP (yup, too lazy to type that out), and I'm kinda pissed that I've never watched this before.   is unbelievably hilarious!
Everything she does is pure comedic gold.  I've never heard someone say "goddamn" so much.  How I've never heard of her before is beyond me.  For years now I've felt like women aren't viewed as funny in Hollywood.  Very few women are given leading roles in comedies that aren't of the romantic variety.  That's a damn shame.
The wifey (relax, I'm just digging at her, as I'm wont to do) (why do I keep using parenthesis) thinks that Anna Faris is the funniest actress in the biz, and I tend to agree with her.  I've got to say though, watching Kaitlin Olson kick ass in IASIP has me rethinking that.
Someone get her on the big screen ASAP.  And make sure that she says goddamn in whatever future roles she gets.