Theresa Moretimer's Blog
July 21, 2016
Can You Spot a Victim
I have received so many emails on domestic violence concerning how you can spot a victim of domestic violence.
The most obvious answer I receive when speaking publicly and asking the audience this question is the bruises. Although that is a sure telltale sign it is not the only one.
Some victims don't wear bruises where they can be easily seen. They have bruises that can easily be covered by clothing, or none at all.
Now when I tell my audience that they may have none at all I have some who ask me how can someone be a victim and not have a bruise? Domestic violence victims aren't always beaten, or hit, some are abused mentally. This to me is one of the most dangerous forms of domestic violence. The victim is slowly convinced that the only person they need in their life is their abuser.
Which comes back to the original question: Can you spot a victim?
Aside from bruises, does your friend or loved still hang out with the same people? Have their habits changed? Do they still spend time with family or friends? If so, is it less time? Do they make excuses as to why they can't go each time they are asked to go somewhere? Has there demeanor changed? Do they seem less outgoing? Does it seem as though that the only person they care to spend time with is their significant other? Do they seem depressed or just not themselves? Then nine times out of ten they are a victim.
So when you see a friend that no longer wants to have lunch every Friday, hardly ever sees their family anymore, doesn't want to talk on the phone the way they used to, doesn't seem to smile as much and makes up excuses for not being around family and friends,they are most likely a victim. Try your best to talk to them. However, the victim of this type of domestic violence is very difficult to talk to because their significant other makes them believe that talking to others is disloyal. That victim is drawn into a dark world that they can't seem to find any hope of light. You have to do your best to talk to them, but be careful, you will never get a chance to discuss the situation if the abuser is present. Need more info? Inbox me or email me at [email protected]
The most obvious answer I receive when speaking publicly and asking the audience this question is the bruises. Although that is a sure telltale sign it is not the only one.
Some victims don't wear bruises where they can be easily seen. They have bruises that can easily be covered by clothing, or none at all.
Now when I tell my audience that they may have none at all I have some who ask me how can someone be a victim and not have a bruise? Domestic violence victims aren't always beaten, or hit, some are abused mentally. This to me is one of the most dangerous forms of domestic violence. The victim is slowly convinced that the only person they need in their life is their abuser.
Which comes back to the original question: Can you spot a victim?
Aside from bruises, does your friend or loved still hang out with the same people? Have their habits changed? Do they still spend time with family or friends? If so, is it less time? Do they make excuses as to why they can't go each time they are asked to go somewhere? Has there demeanor changed? Do they seem less outgoing? Does it seem as though that the only person they care to spend time with is their significant other? Do they seem depressed or just not themselves? Then nine times out of ten they are a victim.
So when you see a friend that no longer wants to have lunch every Friday, hardly ever sees their family anymore, doesn't want to talk on the phone the way they used to, doesn't seem to smile as much and makes up excuses for not being around family and friends,they are most likely a victim. Try your best to talk to them. However, the victim of this type of domestic violence is very difficult to talk to because their significant other makes them believe that talking to others is disloyal. That victim is drawn into a dark world that they can't seem to find any hope of light. You have to do your best to talk to them, but be careful, you will never get a chance to discuss the situation if the abuser is present. Need more info? Inbox me or email me at [email protected]
May 2, 2016
Are You a Victim?
I have seen and talked to many people who I can tell immediately are a victim of domestic violence, but will never admit to it. How can I tell you ask?
Well, in short, I was a victim myself. I know the symptoms one displays without knowing they do. I know the signs one tries to hide to keep others unaware of what is going on. After all, like I said, I was once that person so it gives me a heads up so to speak.
A victim can begin to act shy that is usually outgoing. They can talk to friends less, keep their sentences and answers shorter than usual, but mostly it's their actions. They begin to keep less and less eye contact when speaking and listening to someone else. Every victim acts differently and no one can attribute one certain action that will help to acknowledge all victims.
Where one victim speaks less, a victim that generally speaks very little to begin with may begin to speak more because they believe this will hide their degrading secret. They begin to speak more out of nervousness.
A majority of domestic victims begin to socialize less and less until eventually their social life is almost non-existent. This is the best way for their abuser to handle them.
Are you in a relationship where your social life is being cut off slowly? Does your partner make snide remarks about your appearance? You could be a victim, are you?
Has your partner ever raised a hand to you? Has your partner tried to prevent you from your normal lunch dates with co-workers or friends? Have they told you that you spend too much time with your other friends? You could be a victim, are you?
Are you a victim? I'm always available to help when and if I can. You can contact me here or you can read my blogs for advice at .
I am now booking speaking engagements for the fall of 2016. If you would like me to speak at your company, let me know.
When I speak at colleges and high schoolsI am always amazed when someone comes up to me and begins to open up. It feels good to know that you have reached someone.
Are you a victim? Do you know a victim? Let's end this tragedy. No one deserves to go through the pain, whether physically or emotionally. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Well, in short, I was a victim myself. I know the symptoms one displays without knowing they do. I know the signs one tries to hide to keep others unaware of what is going on. After all, like I said, I was once that person so it gives me a heads up so to speak.
A victim can begin to act shy that is usually outgoing. They can talk to friends less, keep their sentences and answers shorter than usual, but mostly it's their actions. They begin to keep less and less eye contact when speaking and listening to someone else. Every victim acts differently and no one can attribute one certain action that will help to acknowledge all victims.
Where one victim speaks less, a victim that generally speaks very little to begin with may begin to speak more because they believe this will hide their degrading secret. They begin to speak more out of nervousness.
A majority of domestic victims begin to socialize less and less until eventually their social life is almost non-existent. This is the best way for their abuser to handle them.
Are you in a relationship where your social life is being cut off slowly? Does your partner make snide remarks about your appearance? You could be a victim, are you?
Has your partner ever raised a hand to you? Has your partner tried to prevent you from your normal lunch dates with co-workers or friends? Have they told you that you spend too much time with your other friends? You could be a victim, are you?
Are you a victim? I'm always available to help when and if I can. You can contact me here or you can read my blogs for advice at .
I am now booking speaking engagements for the fall of 2016. If you would like me to speak at your company, let me know.
When I speak at colleges and high schoolsI am always amazed when someone comes up to me and begins to open up. It feels good to know that you have reached someone.
Are you a victim? Do you know a victim? Let's end this tragedy. No one deserves to go through the pain, whether physically or emotionally. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect.
February 10, 2015
Heed the Signs: Domestic Violence Prevention Series 1
We all get excited over the start of a new relationship. The hand holding, soft kisses, shy smiles and getting to know one another. But how do we know when things in this budding relationship are about to go wrong?
Heed the signs!
There are signs in potentially hazardous relationships that prepare us for what's to come. The problem for most of us, including myself, is that we don't pay attention to them. When in a few weeks or months down the road, our new lover says they don't want to go out with our friends, as they normally do a few times a month, we ignore that and take it to mean they just want to be alone with us.
Sometimes that is true, but when it begins to happen each time a date is planned with friends, then you are getting your sign. Now is the time to discuss it and ask why. We usually get an answer of I want to be with you, not your friends, I love you. Don't you ever want it to be just us? Can't we go out alone for a while? Why do we need to go with your friends?
You should be heeding these signs. This is the onset of what could potentially be the most hazardous relationship of your life. You will know when you spend a month or two with your new love and not with your friends. There are no more double or triple dates, or meeting up with friends for a drink. It will be just you and your new love and the one most important thing they count on is that by the time they make their move, you will have so much time invested in the relationship you won't want to end it. But end it is what you should do.
Alienating you from your friends is NOT what a loving, caring partner does. This is the person who is showing one of the signs of domestic violence tendencies. This person and relationship could be potentially harmful to you. Be cautious if you refuse the advice to leave. Yes, a heart has been invested, but is it worth your life?
Heed the signs!
There are signs in potentially hazardous relationships that prepare us for what's to come. The problem for most of us, including myself, is that we don't pay attention to them. When in a few weeks or months down the road, our new lover says they don't want to go out with our friends, as they normally do a few times a month, we ignore that and take it to mean they just want to be alone with us.
Sometimes that is true, but when it begins to happen each time a date is planned with friends, then you are getting your sign. Now is the time to discuss it and ask why. We usually get an answer of I want to be with you, not your friends, I love you. Don't you ever want it to be just us? Can't we go out alone for a while? Why do we need to go with your friends?
You should be heeding these signs. This is the onset of what could potentially be the most hazardous relationship of your life. You will know when you spend a month or two with your new love and not with your friends. There are no more double or triple dates, or meeting up with friends for a drink. It will be just you and your new love and the one most important thing they count on is that by the time they make their move, you will have so much time invested in the relationship you won't want to end it. But end it is what you should do.
Alienating you from your friends is NOT what a loving, caring partner does. This is the person who is showing one of the signs of domestic violence tendencies. This person and relationship could be potentially harmful to you. Be cautious if you refuse the advice to leave. Yes, a heart has been invested, but is it worth your life?
July 29, 2014
Giving Back
We all hear the term to "Give Back", but what does that mean exactly? I would say it has more than one concept, though they are relatively the same.
Most believe giving back is to give back to their community, others believe it means to give more to their church, still others believe it means to give back to those that helped them. You get the gist. They are all about the same.
I am one that fully believes in "Giving Back". When my husband had beaten me nearly to death, I thought that I had nowhere to turn. I thought that I was alone. I ran to my family's farm once I was released from the hospital. There I found sanctuary because there are no shelters in the county where I reside.
I was given a card from The MidShore Council of Domestic Violence by the state trooper that came out to meet me the night the incident happened. (No ambulances that night due to flooding). I was also given a pamphlet for them from a nurse and my treating physician at the hospital. I thought 'What can they do for me?' But I gave them a call.
That is where I met Miss Viola. She was my mentor and set up an entire support system for me. Miss Viola and MidShore helped me with attorneys, protective orders and good sound advice on what to do and not to do. (I followed that advice)
Miss Viola held my hand through everything I had to go through. From the court sessions, to the discussions and finding me counseling to help me get over and understand what happened to me.
I went through four years of both physical and emotional therapy. The emotional therapy was the entire reason that I began writing my series, that and the unending support from my family, doctors, friends and counselors.
I spoke out concerning domestic violence for the governor of my state at a local college and also spoke to his panel for him about the problems in the system here for victims. MidShore was there for me the entire time. They were so supportive of my treatment and my emotional distress and never asked me for a thing. Everything was free. (I lost everything. My husband had emptied every bank account.)
When I published To Hide from Death the first book in the series, Miss Viola asked me for a copy. I happily gave her one. I told her that I was donating 20% of every sale to help victims of domestic violence and I do.
My ultimate dream of "Giving Back" is to build a shelter in each state where they have none. This of course is a large goal, but a goal I have the desire to fulfill. You see although I had support from family, friends, and multiple other sources, the ones I would not have made it through without are my family (who kept me hidden) and MidShore.
So while I naturally give back to my family, I also "Give Back" to help other domestic violence victims through MidShore Council and other sources. I "Give Back" to the victims so they can have a fighting chance at living like I was given.
I pray that you and those you love and care about never have to go through this horrible thing. Should you ever come across someone that is or did, no that there is someone somewhere "Giving Back" so another victim's ordeal will be just a little easier to go through.
I also "Give Back" by speaking at colleges about the warning signs of domestic violence so as to help prevent future cases.
I believe wholeheartedly in "Giving Back." It makes me feel better about myself and I gain comfort in the knowledge that I am helping others.
I want to thank everyone that has bought my novels, for in so doing, you ultimately have "Given Back".
Most believe giving back is to give back to their community, others believe it means to give more to their church, still others believe it means to give back to those that helped them. You get the gist. They are all about the same.
I am one that fully believes in "Giving Back". When my husband had beaten me nearly to death, I thought that I had nowhere to turn. I thought that I was alone. I ran to my family's farm once I was released from the hospital. There I found sanctuary because there are no shelters in the county where I reside.
I was given a card from The MidShore Council of Domestic Violence by the state trooper that came out to meet me the night the incident happened. (No ambulances that night due to flooding). I was also given a pamphlet for them from a nurse and my treating physician at the hospital. I thought 'What can they do for me?' But I gave them a call.
That is where I met Miss Viola. She was my mentor and set up an entire support system for me. Miss Viola and MidShore helped me with attorneys, protective orders and good sound advice on what to do and not to do. (I followed that advice)
Miss Viola held my hand through everything I had to go through. From the court sessions, to the discussions and finding me counseling to help me get over and understand what happened to me.
I went through four years of both physical and emotional therapy. The emotional therapy was the entire reason that I began writing my series, that and the unending support from my family, doctors, friends and counselors.
I spoke out concerning domestic violence for the governor of my state at a local college and also spoke to his panel for him about the problems in the system here for victims. MidShore was there for me the entire time. They were so supportive of my treatment and my emotional distress and never asked me for a thing. Everything was free. (I lost everything. My husband had emptied every bank account.)
When I published To Hide from Death the first book in the series, Miss Viola asked me for a copy. I happily gave her one. I told her that I was donating 20% of every sale to help victims of domestic violence and I do.
My ultimate dream of "Giving Back" is to build a shelter in each state where they have none. This of course is a large goal, but a goal I have the desire to fulfill. You see although I had support from family, friends, and multiple other sources, the ones I would not have made it through without are my family (who kept me hidden) and MidShore.
So while I naturally give back to my family, I also "Give Back" to help other domestic violence victims through MidShore Council and other sources. I "Give Back" to the victims so they can have a fighting chance at living like I was given.
I pray that you and those you love and care about never have to go through this horrible thing. Should you ever come across someone that is or did, no that there is someone somewhere "Giving Back" so another victim's ordeal will be just a little easier to go through.
I also "Give Back" by speaking at colleges about the warning signs of domestic violence so as to help prevent future cases.
I believe wholeheartedly in "Giving Back." It makes me feel better about myself and I gain comfort in the knowledge that I am helping others.
I want to thank everyone that has bought my novels, for in so doing, you ultimately have "Given Back".
April 28, 2014
It Can Happen to You
I have heard some say “That will never happen to me� but I’m sorry to say it can. What is ‘it� you ask? A dirty little secret most dislike talking about. It’s a cold-hearted misery that I speak of. It’s called domestic violence, though I believe we could come up with a better name, for there is nothing domestic about it. After all, think about it. What comes to mind when you hear the word domestic? Certainly not violence, but that’s a blog for another day. What we are discussing today is that it can happen to you. I never dreamed it would happen to me, but it did. I new the signs and still it happened because I chose to close my eyes. I did not want to see them, I did not want to know them. How could my perfect lover be a cruel being in disguise? Believe me the signs were there. I listened to the same sweet voice tell me I didn’t need to wear makeup…Here’s your first clue beginning to beep. When you hear someone tell you that several times or tell you you don’t need to paint your face to go out or be seen with them your alarm should be beginning to sound…Beep…It can happen to you. When they ask you why you need to go out with your friends…Beep…It should be sounding again. It can happen to you. When the blatantly tell you that they don’t particularly care for your choice in friends…Beep…It can happen to you. When they tell you that you really don’t need anyone else…Beep…It can happen to you. Do you see where I am going with this? Can you understand that what some people may believe is someone being sweet is actually far from it…It can happen to you. Domestic violence has no prejudice, it does not care what color your skin is, what your social status is, or what sex you are. It is an equal opportunity disease stricken love. What? You don’t recall asking or applying for this? No one ever does. After all, who in their right mind would say “Will you beat me half to death and tell me you love me after?”…It can happen to you. It can happen to you, someone you love, your neighbor or your best friend. Evil doesn’t care who you are…It can happen to you. So before you decide to take that relationship that you are unsure of to the next level, sit down and reminisce about the good, the bad and the ugly. How many fights have you had? What is that behavior like after a few drinks? Did he really not mean it when he struck you? I bet that make-up session was good. It usually always is, that’s why it’s hard to decipher the signs when your heart and your head have different opinions…It can happen to you. Stay safe, think, reflect…because: It can happen to you!
March 21, 2014
Domestic Violence
When domestic violence first reared it's ugly head I didn't want to face it. Like may other victims I refused to accept the fact that this was happening to me. I decided that I could fix it. I could beat this ugly thing and make this man love me and stop hurting me. Those were my first mistakes. One cannot change domestic violence. You cannot change the person hurting you and you cannot change the circumstances. You must leave, remove yourself from the situation. In the beginning you feel as though you cannot leave, you need to fix yourself, that if you do this or that differently you will stop this vicious cycle that has now begun and threatens to ruin your lively hood. Don't allow this to happen to yourself. Domestic violence is not prejudice, it does not care as to your race, social standing, whether you are male or female,how many friends you have or how much your family loves you. It does not feel your pain nor does it care. It is a sickness, a disease that you have no control over. The best thing you can do for yourself when confronted by domestic violence, is leave. Do not pass go, do not wait for the next paycheck, do not wait for I'm sorry and the make-up session that comes along with it. Just leave!To Hide from Death: Where Do You Go When Death Is Lurking?Theresa Moretimer
