Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ

Bill Murray is one of the funniest dudes ever.

Everything he does just kills me.  Seeing him in an '80's version of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol is like cinematic crack to me.  Every single year, I watch . It's directed by Richard Donner of Lethal Weapon and Superman fame, so you know it's amazing.  Ghosts and Bill Murray are always a good combination.

If you haven't seen this, then be prepared to laugh your ass off.  I mean, just look at his hair on the cover. Check this shit out:


That's right.  How about this is killer dialogue?

Frank Cross (Bill Murray)I want to see her nipples.
Network WomanBut this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross (Bill Murray)Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Set ContractorYou can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross (Bill Murray)See? And these guys are REALLY looking.
If that doesn't seal the deal, then what about the idea of watching Bill get his ass kicked by a ghost with angel wings? She hits him in the face with a toaster. It's amazing.

If you want to have a laugh over the holidays, watch .  It's on Amazon Prime Video if you want to stream it.
More of my favorite X-Mas movies to follow.

I have utterly failed at blogging lately.

Despite my lack of updates, there is quite a bit going on around here.

ASH is almost finished.  For those who don't know, ASH is my rewrite of ECHOES. I'm turning it into a full-length novel. I've added new characters, changed others, and put in a LOT more action. This book is nonstop. There will be multiple sequels.

At some point, Cthulhu knows when, I will have WEST OF HELL, DEVOURED, and CONSUMED in audiobook format.  Both sound fantastic, but the production is taking a lot longer than I'd hoped.

As soon as I finish ASH, I'm going to start on the third book in THE HUNGER series. It's tentatively titled RAVAGED. The series might even go beyond that one.

After that, I have a werewolf story, haunted house idea (that plays out in the same universe as THE GATE and THE DARK), and a handful of others that I want to finish by the end of 2014.

Whew.

Plus, I have a lot of beer and food to consume over the holidays.

My wife and I enjoy watching independent horror films. We slog through some real stinkers, but it’s always nice to find a diamond in the rough. Fortunately for you, we’ve weeded through thousands of awful movies to bring you a true masterpiece. Citizen Kane, Gone with the Wind, Casablanca� amateur hour. I’m here to share with you the greatest movie of all time. No shit.


Rock ‘n� Roll Nightmare is hands down the best thing you’ll ever see. The twists and turns, mullets and perms, blouses and spandex, and terrible glam rock running throughout the film will make you jump up so fast you’ll spill your can of Schlitz. Obviously, you’ll want to make sure you have at least an entire six pack sitting beside you, just in case.

So, what is Rock ‘n� Roll Nightmare about? Honestly, I can’t even say. It seems like a haunted house movie, but then all kinds of other ludicrous crap is sprinkled throughout that makes the entire plot nonsensical � in an awesome kind of way. Jon Mikl Thor (seriously) writes, produces, and stars in this masterpiece, and his bad assery can be felt in every single frame. This dude wears more makeup than Ronald McDonald, sings worse than I do, and has a wardrobe that appears to be full of women’s blouses that he adorns with pride. He is the ultimate male.

Women get pregnant if they get to close to him.  Hell, I think I might pregnant just from watching this movie.

After a truly horrible opening sequence where a woman is seemingly killed by her oven, the movie switches gears and we watch a bitchin� van drive down the road. And then we watch it drive some more. One of Thor’s songs is playing and apparently we have to watch the van drive until it’s over. That takes four minutes � I’m not kidding. I just watched a van drive down the road for four damn minutes.

After being introduced to Thor, his possibly retarded band, his hoes, and his righteous haircut, we get to see a rehearsal session. I guess this farm house in the middle of Canada has a recording studio in the barn. Yup. Anyway, the band is there to record a new album so we have the glorious honor of watching them rehearse.

In a barn. With makeup on.

In the world of Thor, rehearsal means wearing aviators inside, prancing around like you’re performing at a concert, and adorning an animal print tuxedo vest without a shirt under it. That’s right; he’s wearing a tuxedo vest with his bare chest sticking out of it. Once again, we’re lucky enough to sit through this entire sequence until the song ends. I almost forgot to mention that a sock-puppet monster pukes in the producer’s coffee and then he unknowingly drinks it. You would think this was used to make the guy sick or turn him evil, but he gets killed in the next scene by another monster, so I have no idea what the point of it was.

It’s as bad as it sounds, trust me. The monster is a socket puppet.

Now we get a couple of killer sex scenes and character deaths. They’re kind of spread around with no real rhyme or reason. These are some of the most annoying people I’ve ever seen who aren’t named Kate Gosselin.

A couple of hookers show up at the house and then we never see them again. There’s no explanation here � they arrive, and then are forgotten for the rest of the movie. The band members continue to have sex, die, and then come back to play some more music.
For real.

More music video sequences, more character deaths, and more bad hair work their way through the movie. I could take screenshots all day, but I’d hate to totally ruin the first-time-viewer experience for anyone. I will tell you that this is quite literally a laugh-a-minute. My college buddies and I used to get wasted and watch this and it NEVER got old. Hell, I kind of want to watch it right now.

I really hope that you’ll give Rock ‘n� Roll Nightmare a watch � you won’t be disappointed. If I haven’t talked you into it by now, then I’ll leave you with one last screenshot. I don’t want to ruin the movie’s amazing twist ending, but I can’t talk about this ‘film� without giving you a little taste of the most epic fight scene you’ll ever see. Enjoy.


*

I know a lot of you wanted to hear me ramble on about writing and publishing, so here ya go. It runs about an hour. Simon managed to edit out most of my buffoonery and make me sound semi-human. An impressive feat.

In the interview, I go over my business plan for being an author/publisher and how I've managed to make all of this work.  I also talk about all of the shit I've screwed up along the way. You'll probably learn more from that than anything else if you look at it as a cautionary tale.
If none of that interests you, then at least you can hear my sexy voice and listen to me make fun of anyone and everything.
is a cyborg.

Like Samson, people who have the balls to rock a sweet mullet have powers that we mere mortals can’t fully comprehend. I wish I could understand what it is about this hairstyle that gives those it adorns almost supernatural abilities. Unfortunately, I don’t have the courage or manliness to pull off that look. It’s a character flaw that I’m working hard to fix.
As of late, it seems that people have felt the need to scoff at the mullet, but I’m here to tell you that they're dead wrong. There have been many incredibly influential people throughout the years who have been given special skills thanks to their bitchin� mullets. Because power corrupts, they eventually become vain and disheartened and will often cut their hair.
Little did they know that this would lead to their downfall.
Who are some of these fallen heroes? Here are three examples.
Mario Lemiux and Jaromir Jagr: This dynamic duo crushed the hockey world in the �90’s, leading the Pittsburgh Penguins to several Stanley Cup victories. Jagr cut his rad mullet in 1999 and immediately began suffering from an affliction I like to refer to as ‘sucking ass�. Lemieux, beloved by the city of Pittsburgh, fell upon a string of injuries that resulted directly from defiling his perfectly quaffed mane.

Richard Dean Anderson aka MacGyver. He cut his mullet and then aged instantly. The time frame between these two pictures is a matter of hours.


Billy Ray Cyrus. He changed his hair and then sired a demon. Cutting his mullet and then birthing that monstrosity should be a capital offense. I think that's in the bible.

Now, there are also plenty of instances where someone’s career has skyrocketed because they’ve cultivated the mullet. Here are two current examples of those.
Kenny Powers. OK, so the actors real name is Danny McBride, but I’m fairly convinced that this role wasn’t much of a stretch as far as acting goes. He has a hit TV show and burgeoning movie career. All  of that is because of his righteous mullet.

Elle Casey. Though I don’t have an up-to-date photograph, I do have one from her childhood. Her hairstyle has remained unchanged throughout the years though, so this is a good representation of what she is currently rocking. Obviously, her writing success is directly attributable to the mullet. Don’t be fooled by the boyish looks in this picture � I’m fairly certain she is indeed female.


For years, I thought that hard work and perseverance were the keys to success and happiness, but I’ve learned the error of my ways. There is a fast track to all that is good in life, and it drapes over the back of your neck. I hope that I’ve been able to illustrate the importance of keeping things ‘business in the front and party in the back�. It is in your utmost interest to work on growing a wicked mullet of your own. Your career, sex life, and overall awesomeness depend on it.
**I originally wrote this for my editor, Cynthia Shepp, last year.  It can be found .**

This is my favorite horror movie of all time.

Typically, I find remakes to be crap. They often modernize a film, while stripping out the core of what made it a classic in the first place. That's not the case here.

Most people don't even realize that The Thing is a remake of the 1951 film The Thing from Another World. Both are based on a novella titled Who Goes There? that came out in the 30's. This is one of those rare cases where the remake surpasses the original and it's not even close.

The first movie is good, but John Carpenter hit a grand slam with the remake. First, it has Kurt Fucking Russell. I know that's not his middle name, but it should be. His character is so hard in this movie that he destroys a computer because it beat him in chess. He sets shit on fire, blows things up with dynamite, and shoots a dude in the face. He also wears this bitchin', nonsensical hat:


Keith David, otherwise known as He Who Does Not Age, stars in The Thing. Seriously, does this guy have a deal with Cthulhu? Why is he not getting any older?  He spends half the movie running around with a flame thrower on his back.  Now that's manly.

Anyway, if you haven't seen this film yet, you have to check it out. Scares, monsters, gore, mystery - it has it all. To be honest, The Thing is a huge influence on my need to write horror. It has shaped my taste for the macabre. I watch it at least once a year. Not bad, considering it came out 31 years ago.


Dogs split in half and tentacles come spilling out. Someone's chest cavity opens up, grows teeth, and bites a dude's arms off.  A guy's head detaches from his body, grows legs, and scampers away. Yeah.  Beat that, I dare you.

And it has Kurt Fucking Russell.

The long-awaited sequel to Echoes is coming... just not yet.

I've been talking about writing a sequel to Echoes ever since I released the novella. The problem has always been that I don't like the way Echoes was written. To be honest, I'm not happy with it at all. It was the first piece of fiction I ever attempted, let alone published, so it doesn't meet the quality standards of my current work. No surprise there, everyone gets better with practice.

Several times, I've tried to write the sequel, and I just can't get past the issues of the first book. I really love the story and characters though, so it's not a world I can just walk away from.

So, I'm going to rewrite the first book. I'm expanding on it, changing some of the plot points and characters, and turning it into a full length novel. Because so much of it is going to change, I'm going to rename the book from Echoes to Ash and release it as something new.

This will allow me to write multiple books in the series, all starring the snarky, bad ass Asher Benson.

I'm already working on it, so expect a release in November.

I was fortunate enough to have a lot of auditions come in for Devoured.  It took a lot of time to listen through all of them and it was very hard to choose.

Fortunately, I managed to land a big fish in the audiobook industry.   will be narrating the series.

If you aren't up on audiobooks, that probably doesn't mean anything to you.  So, I'll present you with this reading.  How freaking awesome is his voice?


I'm dying to listen to his performance of Devoured and Consumed!

This is going to be short, but sweet.

I discovered Zdzisław Beksiński while in college. Don't ask me how to pronounce his name. Any dude with two Z's in his first name has to be a bad ass. That's in the Constitution.

Zdzislaw (bad ass!) was a fantasy/horror artist who painted some seriously twisted stuff. Obviously, there are artists who have more gruesome work, but there are few who can disturb so well without resulting to gore.

People tell me quite often that they're glad they can't see inside my head. Yeah, well, I say that about Zdzislaw (bad ass!)


I mean... whoa. Just. Dude. I love it. If my wife wouldn't divorce me for it, I would buy a print of this and hang it on the wall.  Zdzislaw (bad ass!) must have enjoyed some good drugs in his day.


I don't even know what the hell this is.

Want to see more? 

Zdzisław (bad ass!) Beksiński is a great artist to check out during the Halloween season. One of my favorites.

In celebration of Halloween this year, I'm going to write a lot about my favorite horror-related things. Books, movies, authors, etc.  This is the best time of the year for me, so I'm going to celebrate it by talking about awesome stuff.

Up first is H.P. Lovecraft.

The man is a big influence on me.   was a bit of an homage to Lovecraft on my part.  I'm extending a bigger nod to the man's work in The Dark Gate.

Ancient gods, cosmic beings, and indescribable horrors make up Lovecraft's stuff.  If you enjoy scary stories, then reading him is a must.  He writes in a style that can be hard for some people to get used it, but stick with it and you'll get some great enjoyment out of it.

I highly recommend At The Mountains of Madness.  It's one of my favorite stories.  I'm putting a huge nod to it in my next book.  The Dunwich Horror, The Call of Cthulhu, and a dozen others are all required reading for horror fans.  Most of them are short stories, so you can read one in a very small amount of time.

Like many of history's great authors, Lovecraft died alone and broke, having never been truly appreciated during his life.

By the way, if you want to hear something insanely awesome, then get one of .  Impossibly awesome.  Seriously, I want to hire this guy to read one of my books at some point.

So grab some of Lovecraft's stuff.  A quick google search will bring up .  Don't deprave of yourself of one of horror's all-time greats.